Except the humans by SomeOne111Z | Humans are space Orcs | HFY | TFOS1048

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Thank you to Tier 4 and 5 Patreons and Channel Members:
Brenton Verlo
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PlagueRunner
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Sergeant Boomer
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{TimeStamps}
00:00 Intro
00:40 Except the humans by SomeOne111Z
#Audiobook #Fiction #HumansAreSpaceOrcs
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This Story is Classified as HFY , but what does the Mean?
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HFY is a story/series that takes a “human element” in either humanity or an “other” (race/species or object) that exists in a “setting” (future or other world/universe) with varying levels of culture, technology, society and history that help show in some shape or form the potential good or bad for humanity’s race/culture.
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Taken from the FAQ of the r/HFY subreddit.

[@donaldscholand4617]

Earth: The neighbors are coming over! Tidy up the place!

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@Chokah]

I mean all that "debris" could be used for material if we could easily collect it...

[@joeleek9976]

@@Chokah and since it's already in space, we could use it to build ships. If you can build them in space, they don't need huge rockets to break out of earth's atmosphere. From there we would only be a short while away from mining the asteroid belt.

[@Da_Shark]

@@joeleek9976 so... its not trash..... its actually resources we are saving for later Earths orbit is a leftovers container

[@joeleek9976]

@@Da_Shark oh it's totally trash. Just trash that can be used for something.

[@doctorbright1065]

There are two sides to humanity, the Kirks, and the Imperium of Man, and it doesn't take much to switch between the two.

[@benjaminsovdottir4627]

underrated comment

[@doctorbright1065]

@@benjaminsovdottir4627 Thank you.

[@CrazyDutchguys]

> I wish to pet this creature >D E L E T E No inbetween

[@kellmalleus5825]

I second Benjamin's motion. Humanity is by definition the X-factor of life. In regards to alien contact, we are either going to: 1: Domesticate it. There will always be furries of every species, I dare you to dispute this. >.> 2: Exterminate it. We drove multiple species to extinction purely because we didn't like the fact that SOMETHING out there was scarier than we are. 3: Fornicate the hell out of it. If being on the internet for over 20 years has taught me anything, it is that we humans can be WEIRD. 4: Coalesce with it. We made friends with our direct predators before domestication. Bet your ass we would do the same with some race like the Dan'ik in weeks. Yeah, there would be massive racism in many areas for years (possibly indefinitely), but for sure it wouldn't be species-wide for more than a couple of days' acclimation period.

[@335chr]

Sometimes they don't even switch

[@IRMentat]

Sending humans a panicked bunch of aliens warning of a massive enemy fleet and happy to hand us tech and the ability to mine/exploit our system and clean it up in the process while also letting us travel extra solar? I almost pity them.

[@travisbishop782]

Almost.

[@wrenchpony9735]

For serious! This is the definition of "I think I fucked up"

[@silvadelshaladin]

Yeah.. Thing is even if the Xanxi hadn't attacked earth, we would have fairly shortly met them asking for an explanation of their atrocities on the Danik.

[@renewalacumen1770]

Well, we'll k i n d l y ask them why, then t e l l them why.

[@szymonbollin5074]

@@renewalacumen1770 why were gonna kick their teeth out for what they done

[@Deanobanno]

@@szymonbollin5074 honestly kinda funny how defensive yall are of a non existent race. The truth is humanity would have just been mega racist and probably went to war with the them not offered help.

[@en4833]

@@Deanobanno You have a very pessimistic view of humanity.

[@zyanidwarfare5634]

It seemed humanity was already preparing for their arrival, I would assume the Danik told the humans about them and that’s why they churned out military ships

[@thunderzurafa7056]

*sees planet killing dreadnought* Marines: hippty hoppty this is now my property

[@robertallen5091]

They had to Strategically Transfer that Equipment to an Alternate Location

[@CHRF-55457]

Lol

[@michaelyoung7261]

Someone of culture beat me to my comment

[@cantharelluscibarius2244]

Imagine how you would react if the news suddenly got filled with reports of an extraterrestrial ship filled with refugees just looking for a place to stay to survive. You'd be pretty pissed at whoever kicked them out of their house. Especially if they bring the gift of ftl with them and are willing to share it. That just sounds like the start of a golden age of science for humankind.

[@AgroSquerril]

yarp

[@aleisterlavey9716]

That sounds how Warhammer 40k could have started...

[@redmondthealien7840]

@@AgroSquerril all right bigun

[@MyAramil]

And I imagine the new species would tell you about the ones that attacked them before, and caused them to be forced out of the coalition. The humans always ready for war and want to have the biggest, baddest guns and vehicles they can would over engineer their stuff.

[@Mark73]

Ever see Alien Nation? Either the movie or the TV series?

[@candibunny]

Nothing is more terrifying then properly motivated humans with lots of resources and a little bit time.

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

No there's something more terrifying... A bored and drunk human engineer saying "hold my beer"

[@candibunny]

@@donanthebarbarian5177 lol, how do you think we would pull of the stunt in the first place. I mean, humans typically don't think up crazy things like turning a star into a torus unless they are extremely bored and have had one to many drinks to be thinking rationally.

[@skibidibomumdada9823]

@@candibunny your comments it's literally batman's description.

[@candibunny]

@@skibidibomumdada9823 lol

[@jrm48220]

@@skibidibomumdada9823 Or, also, John Constantine.

[@lornbaker1083]

humanity: "Uh... You just gave us a blankcheck" Alien refugees: "What do you mean? we did not give you any currency. Just technology." Humanity: "Oh you will see."

[@satibel]

technology and manpower, and by proxy resources.

[@mrexists5400]

Xanzi: "You made their stuff better? It's ours now" Humans: "No, what's mine is mine, and what's yours is now also mine" Xanzi: ":O"

[@TheAKgunner]

Humans (also known as Space Orks) in a hyperactive and hyper destructive nutshell.

[@ShackleYT]

@@TheAKgunner you forgot the part where we add more dakka to it.

[@TheAKgunner]

@@ShackleYT That falls under the “hyper destructive” part.

[@ShackleYT]

@@TheAKgunner Ah fair point. you may also want to add hyper creative to that list. only humans are insane and clever enough to turn an entire frigate into a cannon barrel (see the ships from halo for reference, they're basically big ass guns)

[@arthurcodeco1462]

URSS: I'm so pround

[@boingboingresearcherph.d.2871]

They basically threw their old toys to the humans... Humans: "oh shit, they got FTL!" Dan'ik: "yea, but it's slow and expensive to build. " Humans: " if it's slow, then we'll make it faster. And for the expensive part, well just use the scraps in orbit. " Dan'ik: " damn." Humans: "first FTL ships are complete. Remember those weird exoplanets from our telescopes? Yup, resources. Go there and build more ships. " Humans: " oh shit, were under attack! Those who we sent to the other planets, have you built any ships yet? We kinda need those. " The other humans: " yup, we've built a lot. Sending you some. " Humans: " whoa dude, look at that big ship. Can we build those? No? Let's just take it then. "

[@TheKyrix82]

Never underestimate the utility of stealing shit. There's a Star Wars game where the rebels can sneak a small force of 3 units into a planet, no matter how fortified. If one of those three is the combo Han and Chewbacca, you're going to win. Because Chewie is going to find an AT-AT, steal it, and turn that massive firepower against the enemy. And if you blow it up, he'll run away and steal another one. And if it's not alone, Han uses an EMP to stun the other ones.

[@doctorbright1065]

@PurrrmishunToDiez Human Space Marines: "I'm here to do two things, steal property, and purge heretics, and I've already stolen your property."

[@johnwotek3816]

Tactical aquisition of shit.

[@chrisdupuis2523]

@@TheKyrix82 Empire at War (primary) and Forces of Corruption (expansion) is the game you're thinking of.

[@TheKyrix82]

@@chrisdupuis2523 Thanks. I've played it again since, but the comment did need the reminder in case someone didn't know the game and was interested

[@shovel662]

Imagine their captain’s surprise surprise when a bunch of crayon-munching maniacs with shotguns suddenly kicked rushed into the bridge screaming yeehaw.

[@talonsclaw9058]

Marines: FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA, TO THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI!!

[@objectiveice573]

humanity be like "haha RIGHT BACK AT YA BUCKO" *fires the flagship cannons*

[@tibi423]

"I wonder how big of explosion can this cannon make..." *Combined fleet arrives* "Ah, right on cue!"

[@griffinwindom5533]

@@tibi423 "perfect target practice"

[@riderstrano783]

I can hear the bridge and gun crews yelling “you’re going to the shadow realm jimbo” as the canons Fire

[@griffinwindom5533]

@@riderstrano783 omg i love it

[@smaragdwolf1]

- you send refugees to Earth - you send their technology with them - you allowed them to tell the humans what happened (the refugees are described as "docile". If their appearance match their docile behavour, we would adopt them as ...cute) Thats atleast 4 major Errors.

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Yes, it is an absolute crime to hurt anything which is adorably cute. Mess with me, well I might not bother - mess with my puppy - now you got a problem of major proportions.

[@scotteggert9820]

So basically the galactic bully got the equivalent of getting the tap on the shoulder as they were trying to shake down the nice but weak kid in school and finding out that they had made friends with the new kid on the block. And the new kid on the block was just so much faster, meaner and tougher. And they also hated bullies, so were quite willing to beat the galactic ass for their new friend.

[@AgroSquerril]

yup

[@deathdooddieimmortal.therian]

Lol

[@Jaimyoutubing]

I mean, honestly if you wanted to be friends with modern humans, it wouldn't be particularly hard for aliens. Arrive peacefully with friendly intentions, share in your knowledge, technology, and culture, do your best to be prepared for any accidents or misunderstandings that often occur when two new peoples meet, and just be genuinely neighborly, and you'd gain an equal ally and friend for all eternity, so long as you remained as friendly and generous throughout your friendship as in the beginning. This would mean so many benefits for your race. Humans as a majority, don't like bullies, so if they found out that their new best buds got picked on by the galactic bully, and they're coming back for seconds as well as to mess with the new kid on the block, you'd damn well better belive the humans are gonna go into maximum fucking overdrive in preparing to hand out a major ass whooping.

[@shadowfoxarchon5021]

Basically humans embody fuck around and find out

[@GenStallion]

What if our new budy is the bully?

[@StonedDragons]

The problem with that kind of thinking is an issue of scale, and a lack of understanding of it. A true interstellar civilisation won't be like in most science fiction, Star Trek, Star Wars, Halo, Mass Effect and so on all lack scope on what can actually be accomplished. A single star belonging to a K2 level civilization (Dyson Swarm level) will literally be able to devote a millionth of its population to war and still be fielding more soldiers than the population of earth several times over. The entire star wars galaxy as presented in its canon probably has less population than you can put into a single dyson swarm. If you have a dyson swarm you have a planet nuking gun on call with a range of several hundred light years with some minor reconfiguration. Or just use your over abundance of power generation to power a few big interstellar rail guns on a moon you've left intact somewhere to fire relativistic projectiles. Invading such a structure? Even for a comparable civilization probably not possible. Be it my largest pet peeve is people seem to have a starfighter fetish, they just don't work except as 'brown water' vessels hanging close to planets.

[@UNSCPILOT]

Bonus points if we happen to find said aliens adorable, even entropy itself would be at risk

[@UNSCPILOT]

@@StonedDragons the Geth in Mass Effect were getting close as they were starting to build a Dyson Swarm, but I agree, the scale of most scifi is much too small. Mobile Suit Gundam is one of the few that even has O'Neill Cylinder Colonies. "Heaven's River" of the Bobiverse book series is the first I've read that features a Topopolus (probably botched the spelling) megastructure around a Star. It's making me crave some modern hard science fiction with actual ambition, bad enough I might try to use my modest 3D modeling skills and sound design tinkering to attempt to make a game or at least an animation that showcases what we already know is possible

[@bogustoast22none25]

Aliens: how did they reverse engineer, upgrade, and mass produce all our technology?! General Jenkins: Well I know a couple of nerds from university, I didn’t treat em’ right so I thought I’d make it up to them by letting them work on knowing how to understand that, told em’ we’re finally funding the construction of a Death Star, and that took care of most of the reverse engineering and upgrading, they still figuring out the planet killer laser and we let them name the first ship off the line, which is why “Millenium Falcon” is our flagship. Alien: wh- GJ: Then I asked corporal Jenkins, not related, to get me the best people he knew that could take a ship apart and put it back together, he showed up with about 5 Russians, 3 Mexicans, 1 Dominican, 1 Puerto Rican and 2 black dudes from Brooklyn, and they figured out how to take apart and put ships together the fastest, after that we just kinda made a manual and let the Germans build the ships. Honestly we pretty much solved all racial and cultural divides, thanks to ya’ll. Alien: But... how?

[@4eversight781]

GJ: don’t underestimated humanity love for fast vehicle and the star of how beautiful they are. Also read some HFY and Star Wars you will get the jiffy.

[@GodActio]

The 5 russians did all the work, the rest gave massages.

[@bogustoast22none25]

@@GodActio not in my story.

[@GodActio]

@@bogustoast22none25 That's why fiction is fun, you can make a fiction like your story work, just like magic

[@carlosdgutierrez6570]

@@GodActio ah, you haven't seen when we sent a whale to the month for just 200 bucks for the boys of south park, the Russian figures out how to do build the ships quickly, we how to make it for chump change.

[@carlfromtheoc1788]

"...and it was at that point that the Xanzi realized they had f**ked up." - said in the voice of Morgan Freeman.

[@WE_DONT_LIE]

KILL THE BASTERDS

[@thelaughinghyenas8465]

The Xanxi should have realized that it's much easier to produce FTL battleships when you are given the plans to FTL drives and you have a population of billions of Dan'ik who know that the Xanxi are coming and what they will do.

[@AgroSquerril]

overconfidence

[@wolfoffenris9951]

@@OfficerHotpants and humans simply said:" oh boy, time to kick into wareconomy again" Probably making the first aliens think what they meant

[@crackedhelm4292]

@@AgroSquerril "Arrogance is the poison the weak use to kill the strong" -A fat man.

[@cgi2002]

@@wolfoffenris9951 the biggest issue with a war economy is often manpower. They provided that in abundance. They also provided people who understand how their tech works that are more than happy to work with humans to figure out how to combine the two systems, no reverse engineering needed. We long ago figured out how to make warships quickly, the hull for a space ship isn't much harder when you don't have to think about having to lift its mass into orbit, the hard part becomes fitting out its systems, but when you have in excess of 12 billion workers on a war economy, that gets alot simpler. They also never looked at humans very closely and went "they are low tech and incompetent", we may have been low tech but our natural development speed in the last 100 years is frankly terrifying. We went from the most dangerous thing we could fire been a few KG's of metal to litterally been able to wipe out all life on the planet, and potentially much bigger with experiments using the LHC.

[@Sinyao]

@@cgi2002 Seeing as how humans ended up with the ability to create entire cities in weeks, it's too far off the question to build a particle accelerator with the ability to fire several kilograms of material powerful enough to erase the bridges of every command ship that passes the asteroid belt through precision artillery. All you need is a giant space station housing the thing and direct line of sight.

[@H3xx99]

"god these guys are so slow. Let's send the newbies to them with the answer to the test and see what they do." "Okay, they own space now. All of it."

[@aresthecrazy9335]

@@OfficerHotpants as a turtler, you can overwhelm entrenched positions through sheer attrition and numbers, the question is can the attacker maintain the economy required for such a tactic.

[@Sinyao]

@@aresthecrazy9335 As someone who used to turtle often, the main tactic against them is in fast raids to get more resources than you expend, and get the hell out of dodge. While the turtle slowly hauls their army to the contested zone, hit them hard on the other side in safety, take what resources you can, and raze what you can't keep into the ground.

[@TheKyrix82]

@@OfficerHotpants In games like Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds, if you give me an hour to fortify, you lose the game. I'll end up with redundant defenses so overpowered and heavily shielded that literally nothing that two other players can throw at me will breach my walls. And while you waste precious resources slamming your head against my shielded walls and turrets, I'm taking my time building MY army and deciding exactly how to use it.

[@TheKyrix82]

@@OfficerHotpants A single row of normal turrets with a row of anti-air behind them. But it's a solid row

[@Roosauec]

As someone who fights turtlers, my main strategy is Blitzkrierg. Bombard hardpoints with artillery, roll in with tanks, and bring in lighter units to mop up.

[@patraic5241]

Xanzi, "We're the toughest kid on the block." Human to the Dan'ik, "Hold my Beer."

[@AgroSquerril]

yup

[@royalroses123]

Aliens: Goes to take over Earth Humans: 'NO U'

[@mathiascroqvist4719]

i think you mean "Uno Reverse card"

[@4eversight781]

Human scientist: free real estate Human engineer: free real estate Stars wars fans: free real estate Friendly neighbor alien: Run! Human: we got this

[@danielstellmon5330]

Doesn't bother looking up. "You didn't bring enough ships"

[@scouttrooper3123]

"It seemed to most scientists that the humans would need another 400 years before they made ships capable of leaving earth..." *Literally laughs in NASA, Space X, CNSA, ESA, JAXA, and many other agencies and companies*

[@yamby6709]

Just so you know this guys are underfunded. Then suddenly it got majority of resource from everywhere. Space conquest it is.

[@MyAramil]

Well while that is leaving earth, its more akin to a young teen venturing out of their neighborhood for the first time, sure they might go to the 7-11 for a slushy but they cannot stay away to long. But once they get a car and a job they can leave their initial neighborhood and get around.

[@Jr837_]

Bros saw satellites in our orbit and really thought it was all junk

[@the7thresponse684]

It's funny because it took us less than a century to figure out how to fly to going beyond the heavens.

[@markuhler2664]

And props to the Danik for coming to Earth with, apparently, the right attitude so we'd help them.

[@ladyodragons3849]

Humans are Space Mongols. "No one could do this! Well... Except the Humans."

[@galwitprifor001]

IS that a John Green reference I see?

[@TheKyrix82]

That is terrifyingly accurate. In the span of a year, Genghis Khan went from basically stone age tech (albeit made out of iron) to full on siege weaponry, because he ran into walled cities and didn't much care for that obstacle.

[@ismaeljimenez6562]

@@TheKyrix82 *yeets plague ridden bodies

[@borgshadow13]

i love the part about reengineering and improving tech - seems to me we have an innate talent to weaponize and fuck around with everything we invent. now combine this with a sudden jump in knowledge, a uniting and urgent threat and you get the human classic: uno reverse card.

[@VadulTharys]

Think about this WW1 jumped our technology ahead 100 years by the standards of 1912. WW 2 again jumped our technology ahead about 40 years. Since 1944 the world has been in a constant race to create certain MAD, no one wanting to fall behind and each one pushing hard the limits of technology. That and humans universally love anything that goes boom.

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

@@VadulTharys exactly! We advance fastest when under pressure, especially when under pressure from what we view as an outside source. Most nations viewed other nations as completely separate beings during the 1900s-1950s where as now we mostly view earth as a whole and anything/anyone not from earth as a separate group. So at this point we need a alien threat that is within our current weapons ability to fight back but not pushovers and we'll once again jump forward in tech as a way to relieve the pressure that outside threat imposes.

[@zyanidwarfare5634]

if you put a human in a dangerous situation, and all they have is a toaster, they will weaponize that toaster, whether its beating something to death with that toaster or turning it into a different weapon

[@gmailquinn]

@@zyanidwarfare5634 ^

[@stevenweaver3386]

Humans prefer not to fight. But, if the xenos insist, we'll make damn sure the survivors let everyone else know not to poke the space apes.

[@scotso]

*angry* space apes

[@sleepygryph]

I feel that this is overlooked a lot in the HFY. The humans generally don't start fights is because they're too slow to runaway if it doesn't go their way. The reason stuff doesn't try to eat us is because we're too slow to run away and therefore always fight or die trying.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

@@sleepygryph and we have developed tools to make sure it's the other thing that dies trying to eat us even if it takes us with it.

[@elduquecaradura1468]

I do have a motion that once humanity reaches galaxy reach, we stop ourselves to call us "Humanity" and call us "Space Apes"

[@VexChoccyMilk]

It was a mistake to give us cutting-edge technology, 7 billion vengeful workers, and over a year to prepare.

[@jopbraber657]

does the fact that human ships appeared out of seemingly nowhere indicate that we already managed to get fully functional hangar bays on other planets

[@RexMK-]

Yes, Yes it does, it also implies that the humans manage to develop stealth technology so advance that can render and entire battlegroup of fleets cpmpletely invisible.

[@Jr837_]

They did say some along "they made the ships, and went to god only knows in space", they were probably forming bases in other places if i had to guess

[@MsVale1977]

@@Jr837_ i think they created bases in interstellar space, so the in the space between two star sistem, and it is unlike of someone build a space station there

[@Nempo13]

@@MsVale1977 If you want an unknown force to be used as backup, the space between stars is perfect for it.

[@gmradio2436]

Agro, call off the swarm. I have five socks left. What do you even do with them?

[@AgroSquerril]

recycle and resell

[@megacharizard7855]

You monster

[@gmradio2436]

@@AgroSquerril The Agro socks. I knew it.

[@JoeSmithpwns]

profit

[@mirzamay]

I love the stories where humans are badass in the galactic canvas. I don't think it would go down like that at all lol. But if we were given time and access to galactic technology we might be the little bees it just isn't worth it to f*ck with.

[@Mr.Monacle]

Interestingly, that's actually the explanation behind why alien invasions on Earth are less common in comics, while individually humans aren't that big a deal, when some select humans can fly faster than light and are immune to any weapon you fire at them, it's just not worth the resources required to invade.

[@gmailquinn]

To og comment: hornets, bees sting once but we don't 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

[@davidtauriainen9116]

@Mr. Monocle One of my favorite examples of this is a 90's version of the X-Men when they were hiding in the Australian outback. An alien ship attacks Oz while a few X-Men are out drinking. A low level alien does some research on the planet; discovers it has repulsed Galactus twice, is the home of the most recent Dark Phoenix host, has repulsed Skrull and Kree invasions, has its own local Watcher, and is listed as off-limits to Shi'ar ships. He fails to warn his captain in time before Havok drunkenly just does a "hey y'all, watch this" and lets loose a full strength plasma blast on the spaceship, disintegrating it.

[@Eramiserasmus]

Got to love the Senate's overconfidence. Humans had friends that warned them, and prepared to beat down the bully.

[@tonywhite9873]

Why didn't the aliens never ask themselves why there was so many wrecked ships around the planet?

[@GalironRunner]

Wasn't wreaks just normal space junk likely didn't notice a lot of the junk were satellites since there wasn't really anything outside our orbit they assumed it was all failures since once you get in space you tend to push out and do stuff even if its just in the local system.

[@AlexVardr]

@@GalironRunner According to NASA: "More than 23,000 orbital debris larger than 10 cm are known to exist. The estimated population of particles between 1 and 10 cm in diameter is approximately 500,000. The number of particles larger than 1 mm exceeds 100 million. As of January 1, 2020, the amount of material orbiting the Earth exceeded 8,000 metric tons." Sounds far worse than it is, though it is quite the scrapyard up there. Most active satellites are unaffected, and the ISS only has to dodge a big piece about once a year. And with Elon doing his thing, there is not gonna be much more added to the existing debris. In fact, he plans to clean up over the next decades, parallel to his Mars colonization plan.

[@ShackleYT]

they aren't ships. they're sattelites.

[@tonywhite9873]

@@ShackleYT The enemy ships that attacked before. lol

[@ShackleYT]

@@tonywhite9873 o, i mean i think they mistook our orbiting sattelites and international space station as debris.

[@robertbemis9800]

Oh your the most powerful military in the galaxy? Hold my beer

[@AgroSquerril]

indeed

[@robertbemis9800]

Your bases are now ours!

[@MrSockez]

if a group of aliens showed up like "yo we got invaded and kicked out of our home, oh and here's the secrets of FTL travel to show were cool" you better believe humans next question is gonna be "invaded by fucking who now?" *loading shotgun*

[@ettibbet5493]

Rip and tear intensifies

[@shinmatsunami]

In my best Will Smith voice, "Welcome to Earth!"

[@AgroSquerril]

indeed

[@NerdyWordyMatt]

Once sufficiently motivated, humans are sometimes terrifying. Even to other humans.

[@Mittelalterfreak93]

Humans:"Haha, military production goes brrrrrr!"

[@AgroSquerril]

indeed

[@user-ft4nc9ei7f]

Lol truth

[@johnwotek3816]

You'll never make a human more happy than allowing him to build something that can blow shit up.

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Well, it is what drives also the civilian inventions, so yea brrrrr.

[@TheCreepyLantern]

i like to imagine the Danik are also cute. Like they remind Humans of Cats or Deer or something and 8 billion humans, on top of the joy of all this new tech, just went "PROTECT THE TALKING FLUFFIES!"

[@aj_the_infamous1013]

hm..... did they basically make space Germany? only instead of leaving them alone with their own devices they are aiming nuclear weapons at them?

[@idkimlikereallybored9533]

they needed ✨lebensraum✨

[@MrGoesBoom]

Wow, that so called Coalition is a pretty shoddy group of allies huh? The one member speaks up and the rest just shuffle around and pretend nothing is happening.

[@milesedgeworth3667]

Theres no reason i could see why they would have joined the coalition or form it for that matter if the other members are so weak/pathetic that they let them get away with anything instead of just conquering them instead

[@233Deadman]

@@milesedgeworth3667 Because from the inside, they can manipulate events to keep it that way. From the outside, they might end up doing something bad enough to have the entire coalition together come down on them.

[@knightoftheone3420]

*cough* Stellaris Custodian *cough*

[@satibel]

tbh if you look at how it's going currently and in the past, a country with decent power can afford quite some leeway before being at war. for example the us was kinda neutral till pearl harbor for ww2.

[@JustALittleGhostOfHallownest]

Would you argue with someone on a council if they were constantly brandishing machine guns and body armor when they attended meetings? (Implying that you are poorly armed in comparison.)

[@WorldWalker128]

If Humanity ever unites under one flag, our animal symbol should either be the War Wasp, or the Honey Badger.

[@Robin93k]

Humanity is such a spectrum, and really not a hive mind, thus we should take atleast take the whole family of Mustilidae to represent earth ships to our alien frenemies. From the least Weasel (stealthy civilian transportships) over Wolverines (Battlecruisers) and Honey Badgers (Warships) to the giant Otter (Mothership)

[@kurtismiller9544]

Bring on your aggression, and find out just how hard you're going to get it back.....in SPADES

[@89Keith]

Ah marines in boarding actions, maintaining the tradition of "hippity hoppity, your ship is our property"

[@daddyleon]

Basically what Cixin Liu’s Three Body Problem/Dark Forest/Death’s End series could be if they teamed up with humanity instead of fighting. We can be good friends or terrible foes.

[@kopkaljdsao]

Wait Xanxi need a special ship to destroy a planet? This capability should be the standard for Terran military spaceships.

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Lol - all it would need is a bottle of especially nasty microbes, bacteria and virus. Very empty planet that could still be used, given that we have some what of resilience against our own trouble making tiny little terrestrial friends. Who knows, maybe those would even be beneficial for us but very, very problematic for them. Of course, alien versions may be dangerous for us too - but then again - one doesn't really need to enter any areas before they are identified or cleansed pure enough. After all, a little bit of a 'gift box' could perhaps do surprisingly much. We all saw Covid spreading. And in medieval day, the plague reached Europe, because certain descendants of the mongols hurled plague corpses over the walls of a trading city, on the shores of the Black Sea - where from the escaping Christians brought it with them to all harbors along the Mediterranean Sea. So much destruction, deaths - and so 'primitive' means of travel compared to even having airplanes. And yet the modern scientist have spent a lot of time wondering how exactly did it manage to move so swiftly from a place to another. Taking time to realize the same illness had 3 different means of transfer. Not just the mites, spreading it from rats to people, but from the breath of air and well from direct contamination through bodily fluids of a sick person - especially the puss generated by the illness casing such a horridly swift and certain form of the Black Death it would kill 99% of anyone contracting it in form of what could basically be called 'blood poisoning'. Well I suppose my point is clear. They often, rather conveniently forget in these stories all those dangers of this kind. But still I did enjoy this, it was rather funny anyhow.

[@iwatchstuffs7933]

Truly the emperors design is gods work

[@christbenitez8797]

Exterminatus

[@ceilyurie856]

Aliens: "It takes months to build a ship." Humans, who have multiple times kick started their industry to massive output to produce complex war machines rapidly, as well as improve the tehcnology behind them. "So have you ever heard about how a nation called the United States managed to over double it's industrial output and produce a a alrge bomber an hour during a conflict we call WW2? NO? Hang on, we'll prep a demonstration."

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@RexMK-]

"Is even funnier the second time"

[@SirKemzieGodle]

Those first human ships probably went to check out already discovered exo-planets

[@Nyrufa]

Most, if not all of these stories keep focusing on the best qualities found in humans. I'm waiting for stories which touch upon the worst qualities. Like, what happens if you tell a human they will not face any consequences for their actions, and then point them in the direction of an enemy. As the great Doctor Who once said, "Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many."

[@redman7775]

Have you heard of Warhammer 40k?

[@elduquecaradura1468]

@@redman7775 ah yes, Jacobine Goverment all over the galaxy, great storytelling, but incongruent in small-big scheme i like it, but I pick it with a pinch of sand. I mean, salt...

[@Gilhelmi]

There have been a few where we ignored the Geneva Convention......... Most ends with us feeling bad about it.

[@CodexisInkwind]

It's always fun to see stories like this. Stories of how much humanity's craving for the stars seems to exceed the similar desire of other races. They just dropped hundreds of years of advancements on us, and a blatant injustice. The fire lit at that moment, in the souls of mankind, would have blotted out the Sun could they have physically seen it

[@Bonesaw4444]

My wardrobe is gone... But the socks are still here.

[@TriXJester]

Dan'ki show up on Earth Humans: Oh hey whats up? Uh we cool? Cool. Dan'ki explain what happened to their race Humans: .....I have trained for this (Star Wars theme plays in the distance)

[@dmm8658]

I enjoyed that more than I thought I would. And I think it has the bones of a really great story.

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@reikolupus136]

If the get so overcondifent, they are basically begging to be obliterated XD.

[@anadaere6861]

Aliens: Space tech! Let's rush to get Humans: WE HAVE NOT YET PERFECTED THROWING ROCKS! GET THE RAILS GUNS!

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Well - space does have some few rocks... just waiting there for some purpose.

[@TheFluffyWendigo]

Its the "If you come at me swinging you'd best not miss" meme

[@admDanRyan]

Ah boarding, haven't seen that since... *checks timeline* the 18th century

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@hdufort]

Great story with vivid storytelling. I would have adjusted the fine frame to 5 years. It seems to me that 400 days is a very short timeframe to complete turnva civilization around, absorb an alien civilization and integrate all these new techs to their industrial base.

[@edwarddeguzman3258]

I get the feeling this story still takes place in our future if we're able to print new cities.

[@tristancorboy8978]

@@edwarddeguzman3258 that’s not to far away now there is a company that is 3D printing houses so a full city sometime in the future is not to far out of the question

[@lawrencem.37]

Listening to that last line made me really take notice of your progression. In one year your voice expression has improved so much, I'm proud of you and keep up the amazing work.

[@CADJewellerySkills]

These stories of human intergalactic badassery are mighty gratifying to read. And the decent narration helps.

[@elfeater1760]

Thank you Agro for the reading.

[@AgroSquerril]

My pleasure

[@Jdne199311]

Xanzi Leader: The Humans were able to mass produce FTL drive, on a backwater planets, with a bunch of scraps! Xanzi Scitenist: Well Im sorry, im not Human.

[@dementededge3266]

No one deserves to be YT famous. Except for the Agro.

[@AgroSquerril]

Thank you

[@paulross225]

You're like the Hussain Bolt of story narration! I just can't keep up! 🥵

[@BingoBangoBong0]

Hussain Bolt: escape from Afghanistan

[@properfunny]

They sent that few number of troops? Ouch they really need to see just how big human army’s can get.

[@AlexVardr]

Worst case, our entire race can become the damn army.

[@lyrigageforge3259]

@@AlexVardr Probably would. Sure usually for example a European country may have say 30 K for an army - but then there are nations small in population - even seemingly so in peace time active soldiers like 29K, but who can instantly pump up to 280K if attacked. All because they held on to compulsory military service and added women in as volunteers. Which also adds up to 900K reservists a top of set 280K war time actives who regularly train on occasion but go on otherwise living their lives in regular jobs. And that's how you got the defense forces of Finland, being my example - a country of 5.5 million, who does actually punch thus above their weight. Now scale that up to global level. Why? All because it is possible to have over 75% of the nation's population is willing to die for their country and thus serve, if need be - simply because history has taught them how necessary it is. No, not all populations of countries are the same simply because they never had to face possible annihilation - but give the humanity massively advanced threat and see that same spirit ignite. Same lesson why Ukrainians now are fighting so fiercely. Come to think of it, when USSR attacked Finland in 1939, we had just gotten out of a civil war, but slightly before and suddenly you got the men from opposing sides united to fight off a common enemy. Just saying that you don't really even need to go as far back in time than say the Spartans, for a nation (or humans as whole entity) to develop a certain - how to say - a form of practical national understanding, that if you want peace you must prepare for war - or generally making military as notable part of the whole society. And thus also have us adopt what has been called either 'total defense' strategy or 'comprehensive defense' strategy - which pretty much gears the whole economy (of a nation, or human societies as whole), from military side of it to all civilian entities for one single minded purpose of fending off an enemy if and when needed. So much so, that such training is not provided only for the conscripts, but literally to the biggest business leaders, politicians and other significant influencers within the society. As Finland decided to join Nato and expected Russian 'misinformation campaigns' - the state did the same as with Covid response, it harnessed in even numbers of your local KZbinrs to work for the common purpose of repelling set misinformation related. Now what to do about those who would make up nonsense about a potential massive alien threat to earth? Like the answer didn't exist already - in how to communicate things. So have suddenly a lot of alien refugees on your doorstep with very interesting tech and a story which sounds a lot like a warning of what will likely be coming. Sure there may be some grinding sounds raised from all sorts of 'peace activists' but even in our own humans history, it is those who refuse to fight who tend to die the first. (Makes one wonder about the fate of the other human species that did exist once - really - especially when even chimpanzee can literally go on war path against each other and other animals.) And sure one may even suffer a loss, and still manage in a way to win - if it none the less cost the enemy in massive numbers of their population and so much financially / equipment wise that they will not be as willing to attack again, as they were originally. Just pointing out that we humans tend to think that freedom and survival are things worth fighting for. So, I'd also say that it would be very weird if the majority of human states would not realize that the clock is literally ticking for a conflict approaching with a flood of aliens who have just lost a war.

[@WingManFang1]

This was absolutely amazing

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@captainhotrod7948]

me: on KZbin at an ungodly hour for no good reason algorithm: here's something completely random that is unlike anything else your watch history. me: nailed it. How did you know?!?

[@AgroSquerril]

When it works is mystical and when it doesn't its not :)

[@tachyon8317]

Reprimanded, executed AND demoted?! Sounds a bit familiar to being "Tried, shot, and THEN sent to the Russian front". (EDIT) Then again the name "Xanzi" looks/sounds a bit TOO much like an anagram of something from the last Terran century. I wonder WHO they could be... (sarcastic "Hmm" emoji here) (Super mega bonus points of you get the reference)

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Well if I don't remember my history lessons wrong there was this medieval Pope who was dragged out of a grave to face a trial and then had his 'blessing fingers' cut off and then he was thrown in the river (even if some other folk then took him back up and put into a grave). The point being - they did 'demote' him per say, after death - so yea - that has really been done too at least once.

[@eddyram4932]

Listen, I’m stronger than ants, but I would never go digging into an anthill😂

[@lyrigageforge3259]

Hehe, I come from a country where some mad lads compete in sitting bare ass on ant hills. There are humans for all sorts of - efforts.

[@GiRR007]

ONLY 400 YEARS :O

[@bradwolf07]

I absolutely love this story. Give humanity a common goal/a common enemy, and we can unite and do wonders. And of course we take our friendships seriously.

[@merlinathrawes746]

We Humans just love to ignore the expectations of others.

[@virtualatheist]

Xanzi: We are powerful warriors. Humanity: Hold my beer.

[@johncastille8849]

Damn. Aliens show up and announce themselves to the world. Theres 7 billion of them looking for a place to call home and be treated as equal and they have 1 thing to offer... Technology. Bruh. Golden age for humanity, new friends AND possible upcoming war because you just know they told the humans right away what happened and everyone knows Humanity loves war. This is a great story and would be the perfect freaking game. Imagine fighting a war against this massive threat with new friends that handed all their amazing technology over.

[@georgesaunders6362]

Agro Squrrel, I've listened to other narrators on KZbin and in my humble opinion so far your style out shines them all. Thanks for the entertainment!

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

Bless the Squerril Bless the Author Bless the Colony

[@shipleypennison2781]

The description on the Dreadnoughts made me think of the Olympus Mons from Infinite Warfare

[@CROW_23]

Xanzi: that's my dreadnaught Earth: *our*

[@Ryu_D]

Thank you for the video.

[@joimumu]

I would say the main reason why we would welcome Dan’ik is that their fate would scared us sh!tless so working together is the only option

[@WallNutBreaker524]

8:38 Don't underestimate Humanities capability and prowess 💪😎👌

[@victortahlor4038]

Thank you for the reading

[@billrich9722]

These timetables are extremely optimistic.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@MantisLizard511]

That whole point

[@crayonchomper1180]

they only brought 1 fleet for the first engagement, no wonder they lost

[@alexs5814]

nice reading, thanks for that.

[@quinnhasse9170]

Pov: bumble bees befriend hornets and you just kicked the nest.

[@flyingturret208thecannon5]

“Yeah, you make the new inventions for us, we’ll just do it better. Sound good? Thanks.”

[@flyingturret208thecannon5]

The refugees showed up goin, “we don’t have much we can offer, it’s just a few FTL drives and some stuff…” and humans went, “AY YO! Mr. 800 credit score! Right this way, take a sit, kick your feet up and relax. You’re part of the family now, would you like anything to drink? Oh, don’t worry about that phone call. The Xanzi are causing some issues, but it’ll all be sorted soon. You just rest your weary soul right there, you’ve been through a lot. Hey, we conquered the universe, wanna be our right hand men?

[@ZM1306]

Is there a version of the human perspective? It would be great. First we didn't even know we were found and being observed. When they showed up having to translate and then get the story of we were betrayed and concured by another race in our government and we need a home. Then we fully dedicate the entire manpower of the planet on building the homes needed for them, increasing farm output, and reverse engineering and building ships for the inevitable war. The random ships that jumped would be a mix of exploration and resorce gathering... and part colonizing for a backup survival plan.... but also to build and store combat ships out of sight of the races that know where we are.

[@abrahamsorby8193]

And they immediately started punching holes in space time to who knows where. I doubt the humans knew either

[@Robin93k]

We do, Humanity literally already made a whole list of planets that we'd like to visit as soon that FTL becomes available. And some governments more than others, but if the US would be first contact, they'd put their flag on another planet before even telling Russia that first contact with aliens had been made.

[@phoenixrq9139]

Marines win the day again, Semper-Fi

[@thunderbird4636]

Awesome story loved the video

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@Iluvantir]

"Except the Humans"... yeah, we like challenges. "Oh, no-one can do that! Oh, no-one takes THAT long to make X or Y!" "Challenge accepted."

[@Iluvantir]

"What's this do? Really? Just that? Well... let's see... yes, add that... and twiddle with this... recite some epic song to pass the time... drink some coffee... shove that over there... Hey look, Dan'ik! It's now a Star Killing Dakadaka Gun!" Dan'ik: O_O... "We LOVE you humans!"

[@adamloga3788]

Humans love conflict, especially if they get to be heroes while involved in it. Refugee aliens bringing news of a hostile enslaving empire? Might as well be Christmas.

[@levantdiggerus3473]

Huh. Kicking the ass of the known world's strongest navy as they try to subjugate us, you say? Sounds oddly familiar. Something tells me PLENTY of human countries have loads of experience in this department. Edit: Except for you, Britain.

[@lupaswolfshead9971]

Spanish Armada ring any bells

[@christophvogel1080]

Sounds like the rest of the Coalition are a bunch of push-overs.

[@SgtSplatter782]

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door." The New Colossus by Emma Lazarus.

[@BinnyKing]

Humanity's slow advance to space is not do to a lack of intelligence, but rather a lack of proper motivation. And nothing motivates humans like a new ally, and a mutual threat. The Dan'ik were the inspiration humanity needed to get their house in order and properly establish itself as an Astro-Industrial Power. The Xanzi were the inspiration humanity needed to establish itself as an Astro-Military Power.

[@shitbag_soldier]

Nice super space gun ya got there be I shame if we just *tactically aquired it*

[@Questor-ky2fv]

Good story! Funny without being a comedy. At the same time there was some seriousness in it which was blended well with the humor. And the actual story itself is good. Having several BILLION very foreign refugees suddenly show up on your doorstep would be a disaster, but in this case the refugees had a very valuable way to help pay for their upkeep. Yes, they were able to pay with a tremendous technology boost, but they also had something else of value to share--intel. They could tell their new friends all about the other alien races in the galaxy, and they could warn the humans about the really dangerous ones. So yes, they were able to pay their way. Humans are intelligent and curious. We often take things apart to see how they work, and will sometimes come up with improvements. If we are unable to do so, we will sometimes MacGyver a solution. I'm no engineer or tech but I have occasionally MacGyvered solutions to things I was doing. (And yes, I loved that series.)😄 Great! Now my earworm is playing the show's theme music.😄🐛🎶 Anyway Thanks for the good story!