Exiting the FRIENDZONE

[@hankschannel]

Wow... I definitely just googled "couple kissing" and took the first high res one I found.

[@Sammy-rd8gn]

How do you have no replies on this comment it's 8 years old

[@JatPhenshllem]

@@Sammy-rd8gn And he's in the vudeo. I get that's not a reason to do that, but still

[@shinkamui]

@@abdullahenani9670 gossip girl is cool but gossip guy is just so iconic

[@thehealingfairee]

​@@Sammy-rd8gnStrange, but probably because back in the day you couldn't reply directly to a comment. And because this video is so old not many people are watching it since the time the feature was added

[@KathyTrithardt]

"Friendzone zombie lust mongers don't get any love, ever." Well phrased.

[@venomissocute3448]

If you place commas in the right place it becomes 'Friendzone Zombie, Lust Mongers, don't get any love ever'

[@americanslime]

I was in the friendzone for years in high school. I eventually left and stopped being friends with that person, which was pretty cold. I was pretty bitter and shitty about the whole thing. Once I had been in a relationship with someone who really wanted to be with me for several years I woke up one morning and realized that pretty much everything I had been angry about was really my fault and I was kind of a manipulative asshole who should have just been honest in the first place. Fortunately, we made amends and we're really good friends now. If you're in that situation, let me put it like this: you're probably certain you really love this person, and you honestly think that this person would be better off with you, but the fact is, that isn't your call. If they don't want to be with you, that's up to them. If you really do love this person, understand that a huge facet of loving someone is respecting them. If you love this person, you should tell them how you feel. If they reject you (and understand that they almost certainly will), I'm sorry, but you need to accept it. Believe me, I know how insanely, unfathomably hard and painful that is, but you do. It's natural to be angry, but the fact of the matter is that if anybody is at fault here, it's you. I don't care if you think they were flirty, or led you on or whatever. It was you who got into this friendship as a means of getting into a relationship, instead of just being honest in the first place. Now this person sees you as a friend and is being expected to somehow change that into seeing you as a lover. Movies and books will always tell you that works, or even that that's the norm, but it isn't. It's a total fabrication. Believe me, an honest friendship will satisfy you way more than trying to convince someone to fall in love with you under the guise of friendship ever will, because that almost never works. The truth is, a close friendship is pretty much the same as being in a relationship with someone, minus the sex and general physical intimacy, and if that's what you're really lacking, I'd posit that you don't really love this person; you just really need to get laid and have convinced yourself you love this person to legitimize that very simple and crass-sounding desire.

[@nickynak3]

+americanslime Very, very well said :)

[@katnisspotterholmes5206]

This really touches me because I’ve never been in a friendzone, but I have friendzoned someone who I know loved me since 6th through 11th grade. And the thing is I like him but as a friend, I never felt how that person felt and I just couldn’t change it neither could he. And I knew it hurt him but I just could because both have to feel the same, there is no other way.

[@drshohinidas4051]

I think sometimes being friendzoned hurts because that person becomes emotionally unavailable. Especially when you see that person behave in a completely different Manner with someone else

[@npc7679]

​@Aila Verco someone can value you and still not be attracted to you in a sexual or romantic way.

[@lafayettefrancois178]

Another incredibly wrong mindset that perpetuates being in the friendzone (especially if you've never had a significant other) is assuming that you are going to be an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend/partner for the person you're fixated on. Just because you are an endlessly nice and caring and sensitive listener, doesn't mean you're going to be a good partner. Being in a romantic relationship with someone is very different from just being friends, and while being a good friend helps make you a better partner, just being 'nice' does not correlate to being a good partner.

[@Ch1Frequency]

This needs more widespread.

[@ImAmazing1397]

So true. wish I had some advice like this when I was in the "friendzone"

[@drshohinidas4051]

Honestly, being nice and caring and a sensitive listener does help in a relationship. We often enter a relationship based on attraction and that doesn't last very long so

[@poolsidetoiletproductions9402]

D'you miss the part of the video where Hank says just this?

[@BeccaMoses]

I was friends with my boyfriend for like three years. I'm pretty demi, so I don't really understand having a crush on someone whom you don't know well, but he'd liked me from when we first started being friends. But we were friends, like, real friends, instead of one person aggressively adoring another. Instead of seeming like a massive shift, it was more like a natural progression.

[@NotTotallyHopeless]

also, I will drop some cold hard truth. The Friend Zone is only okay in middle school and high school, but once you graduate, it's no longer acceptable. If you're an adult you have a responsibility to be open and honest with your friends. If you're in your 20s and you have a long term crush on a friend you either need to tell them or get over it, because you're not being fair to them. When you're younger you're allowed to be selfish and worry about your own feelings first, but the point of adulthood is to become less of a selfish asshole.

[@ClaraLaherty]

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[@sleepyhoe6452]

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[@TheCommexoKidMusic]

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[@sarahcoleman5269]

Thank you, it's terrifying, especially when you haven't dated since high school, but telling your crush that you like them can be very freeing.

[@horseenthusiast9903]

+++++++

[@jamesmurphy640]

"Crushed under the tremendous power of the fire of my desire" sounds like something that would be in a twenty one pilots song

[@PossiblyNic]

We had a friend zone discussion at the lunch table a week or so ago. I got friendzoned hardcore by a girl last year and I ended up exiting through the friend door. Actually more like the best friend door. Haha. What was funny is that she was sitting a seat down from me and when I chipped in to the conversation with, "Oh yeah, trust me, I know those feels." *Looks at her.* And promptly got a look of confusion back, "Huh? Oh come on, I never friendzoned yo-" Everyone else at the table, cutting her off, "Yes you did." It was hilarious. But I guess my point is that the friend door isn't always bad. She's my best friend in the world now and I love her to death, but have also moved on and now have a girlfriend who I also love very much. So don't lose hope friends.

[@awaisrahman7461]

Wow, I watched this video like 2 years ago and I didn't realize how true Hank was. I literally did everything he described, I was that supportive friend and I was over the top clingy. It wasn't until I kept being too clingy that the girl eventually "told me off" so to speak, that I realized what my failures were. At first the guilt consumed me and I wanted to go back but I realized I needed to give space. Another girl came and although this time around I didn't do things the same way but I was still clingy (So yea ended up in the friend zone once again). And it finally struck me that I'm better off being a friend instead of being the Sun filled with love. Being normal and casual is often the best way she might be attracted to me instead of being so overly attracted. I have no results to prove but if anyone of you are dealing with this then believe in what Hank says. Give it time and you can move on no matter how much you think you love them. Trust me when I say their will always be someone better! If the person you like isn't treating you the way you are with them, then they're not worth your time or love.

[@Master_Arthius]

True.

[@bluebug111]

I know this is old but I just want to say that I appreciate that you kept this gender neutral. Most people would aim it towards heterosexual men being friendzoned by heterosexual females but anyone can be friendzoned. so yeah, thanks for that. :)

[@Determinedbookworm]

Sadly, friendzoning seems to only matter when its done to boys. There's this assumption that every girl is this gorgeous, charming lady who has luck with boys but it's simply not true. The experiences of shy and/or plain looking girls are overlooked or dismissed to make it seem like boys are the only ones who endure rejection.

[@tSp289]

How to get out of the friendzone: Leave.

[@rorolilred]

***** Plenty of relationships come from friendships. Just, as Hank said, real friendships not fake "I'm just being nice because I like you" friendships.

[@tSp289]

rorolilred Relationships come from real friendships, sure, but the friendzone relationship is not a friendship, it's a consolation prize born out of either misinterpretation or pity: she either thinks you're not interested, or she knows you are but hasn't got the heart for a straight rejection because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. In that situation you can either just be content and become a proper friend who doesn't treat her any differently than anyone else, or remain a pathetic hanger-on who spends his time bowing and scraping and hoping to manipulate her into bed with you. Well, that kind of manipulation is not how a man should operate, and it won't gain you any respect from anyone. There should never be any strategy in your friendships. If there is, then you are not a good friend because you are being dishonest and devious, even if you think your intentions are pure or justified. Give yourself a slap and stop being manipulative.

[@rorolilred]

***** Yeah I agree lol, that's what I meant by fake frienships.

[@JEEntertainment89]

rorolilred You just go up and say how you feel... Then the girl notices you actually have guts and somewhat contemplates going out with you rather than the guys twiddling their thumbs in the corner playing mind games that take 6 months. No, you just say how you feel in less than a minute

[@rorolilred]

Bob Jones Yeah I guess, personally I would never go out with someone I'd only just met but maybe that'sjust me.

[@ihateunicorns867]

There's no such thing as "The Friendzone", there's just people who fancy you, and people who don't. Believe it or not, women can make their own decisions and if they just like you as a friend, it's not of your doing. It's their decision. They don't fancy you. You didn't "play the game wrong". They don't owe you anything for being a friend to them. Just be a friend because it's the decent thing to do, not because you're trying to get something out of it.

[@abuel7en1991]

There is really no friendship between men and women, just needs. when a man needs a woman he starts doing everything in his power to satisfy her even if those things are against his believes and ego and thus she friend-zones him because she's getting all the attention she needs for free so why should she put effort to it? and when a woman finds out that the man is treating her like a guy and isn't giving her attention/money/gifts she tries to do her best to attract him. This generation's hell is that we grew up in an era of misleading hollywood romantic movies, and every guys wants to get that girl to like him so we think we can do it by treating her like a goddess which is completely opposite to the truth.

[@ihateunicorns867]

***** I think you've misunderstood what I said. There is, of course, platonic friendship between men and women. It's the concept of the "friendzone" that is a misogynistic construct.

[@zyaicob]

That's... not what the friendzone is. It's just... some people are potential partners and some, for various reasons, aren't. One of those reasons is that the friendship that is already there does not facilitate a romantic relationship. Maybe those people have a friendship that makes them almost family and one person just wouldn't be able to see the other _that way_ but whatever the reason, the friendzone does indeed exist.

[@lylahh.2484]

IM LATE BUT THIS IS THE TEA

[@atelierofwitchhat]

Excellent video Hank! :) This, my friends, is the true definition of friendzone. And Bryarly did a video about it too. I think it's important for people to know the difference between: "I like this person and even though I'm being super nice to them and awesome and amazing, they won't go out with me wah wah wah!" and "I like/love this person, and from all these incredibly intimate interactions we have, it seems they want the same thing, but it turns out they don't and probably never will." I know that from having felt those things myself, and from knowing someone was feeling those things about me.

[@MsAquamonkey]

My boyfriend was my friend for a year. How did he get past the friendzone? He playfully flirted, never tried anything on, I could talk to him about things and he felt he could talk to me. We respected each other. :-) 3 years later, we are still together. It can happen, it just isn't easy. For me, I appreciated that he didn't just go in for a kiss, when we were friends, even when I wasn't entirely sure how I felt. I appreciated that he took the time to get to know me, and he appreciated that I got to know him too. So when we got together, we already knew hobbies, likes/dislikes, sense of humor etc.

[@bananian]

this is what I don't get when people say they guys should flirt with a girl they just meet right off the bat to establish boundaries. Doesn't that mean the guy is only attracted to the girl's looks? How does the guy know if he likes the girl without first knowing her?

[@UnravelingDaily]

I have never been in the friend zone because I don't have any friends

[@Master_Arthius]

Just give it time :)

[@irmakkurt8454]

Josie Is Awkward me_irl

[@samalbury9183]

I feel you. I switched schools 5 times from pre K to 7th and have learned how hard it is to make friends. It didn't help that I'm a very socially awkward introvert.

[@lebaguetteboi7773]

I'll be ur friend. Nerdfighter gotta stick together. DFTBA

[@Mooseplatoon]

I must say, I was honestly expecting this to be a "the friend-zone doesn't exist" video, but I suppose that in all technicality, it does. It exists because the people "stuck in it" create it. This is not a condemnation, because by your definition Hank, I have been on both sides of the fence here. However, the first thing to realize is that this kind of relationship is not only unhealthy, but is a ticking time-bomb. Eventually it's going to burn out one way or the other, it'll end with an explosion or a sizzle, as you describe. My advice to anyone caught in this kind-of situation is to leave it, either by ending the friendship, distancing yourself until your feelings are manageable, or by being honest with them before taking those other steps. The second, most important thing to realize is that if you're "in the friend-zone", you are not being a nice person. You have founded a relationship based on deceit, and the longer that charade goes on the more distorted the other person's view of you will become, because you are not being yourself. Thus, even if that person "fell in love with you", they wouldn't really. They'd have fallen for the wall you've put up between the two of you to hide your true feelings. It is a very frustrating thing to be caught up in, but if you're going to get out of it, and prevent yourself from returning in the future, you must be honest, both to yourself, and to the other person.

[@rorolilred]

Totally agree with this!

[@rutgerholtzer3961]

Shyness and lack of confidence are your own responsibility. Get over them. If you're attracted to a girl and your both single, then ask her out. If she says no, then no harm done. Leave it at that, and if you both want, then you still can be friends. You're only human, so you can't stop yourself from being attracted to that person. But you can close the door on wanting to go out with that person.

[@siyuanthesuper1]

the true definition of YOLO

[@coffee4laffdip]

Siyuan Zheng go away troll

[@siyuanthesuper1]

i mean...

[@JohnGrapes]

The friendship can be awkward after being rejected.

[@siyuanthesuper1]

thats why u gotta ignore them once they rejected u

[@bhnnad]

I think Hank handled this pretty well but I'd like to point out that the "friend zone" isn't an actual thing. It's what someone who likes someone calls it when their crush is their friend. No one put you there, they just don't like you like that, so you've blamed them for it because you think you're owed a romantic (and most likely sexual) relationship in exchange for being nice. Oh, and this is coming from someone who has had crushes on close friends for years and it wasn't reciprocated. I eventually got over it and now we're great friends and I appreciate their friendship. Think about this from the perspective of the person you have a crush on: they think you're their friend but actually you're trying to manipulate them into a relationship that they do not want and are secretly angry at them for not liking them and/or for not even realize that's what's going on. That's not being nice, that's being an asshole. Don't be angry at someone for not liking you romantically, and don't think being a martyr will make that happen. It isn't healthy for you and it isn't fair to your crush/friend.

[@WOok2a]

Of course friendzone is a thing, just not a personal as people made it out to be. It is a state in a relationship where one party feels romantic love for another party, but the other party only feels platonic love towards the other. It happens all the time. You even said it yourself. The word itself gives off no connotation of obligation of one party to another but only describes the state of one's status.

[@paveladamek3502]

Nicole Dashiell Nicole, I think the "no one put you there" thing is a common misconception some women are guilty of. Of course the guy was "put there" by the girl/woman's perfect qualities. I think it is obvious from these discussions that the people who point out being in the friend zone aren't "sexual hunters". I also don't think they "blame" the object of their affection, they are just convinced that they belong together (and who would be surprised after years of friendship in which they have demonstrated the qualities women seek in husbands). Maybe not when they are twenty and life is beautiful, but definitely when they are forty and things suck. That's when you NEED your husband to be your best friend.

[@Tuosma]

Nicole Dashiell Sure it does, it's just not as nearly common as people use it. The vast majority of the times (like 99%?) people use it wrong and it's an angry bitter response to someone not reciprocating their feelings, but to say "it doesn't exist" is the same thing as saying there are no horrible women out there who would do that and that's simply not true.

[@Tuosma]

WOok2a The term friendzone originates from memes like this static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Friend+zone+level+99_187dec_3100430.jpg and afterwards it was adopted by dudes who used it as a bitter excuse. I don't understand why you'd want to own a word like that and use it in a descriptive manner like that? What you're talking about is simply "unrequited love for a friend"

[@SPACKlick]

The friend zone is more often used for a specific subset of unrequited love for a friend. First it's unexpressed love. Once you tell that friend and they say no then it's no longer the friendzone it's just unrequited love/attraction. The second element is about the actions of both parties (moreso the lover than the lovee) In a friendzone situation the lover spends time and energy on the lovee over and above that which they spend on other friends. Doing them favours giving them support etc. It's very self destructive behaviour. In general in the relationship the lovee also ends up expecting more of the lover than they would other friends and leans on them more. This is why from the omnipotent outside perspective it can seem to an observer that "of course the lovee knows the lover likes them, nobody would do that much for someone they wanted as just a friend and the lovee must see that" and from there it's easy to form the impression that the lovee is using the lover because of their URL. It is this false impression that leads to the relationship status of "friendzone" to be named and discussed, often with the lovee cast as the villain of the piece. I wish Friendzone was only used for those cases where the lovee was actually using the lover, because that is a category of interpersonal relationship worth talking about but sadly its used in the broader sense.

[@simonegeurts1406]

An open letter to the Vlogbrothers, Firstly thank you for all the work you do. You presentation of current issues is both witty and well reasoned. Second of all thank you for being nerdy pillars of the community defying stereotypes and fighting against social injustices. This whole comment sounds a bit sappy but I am very grateful that you both there redefining manhood and presenting positive role models. Live Long and prosper. - A very proud nerd fighter. PS I also like all the educational videos :)

[@SmiggzYh]

The best way to get someone to like you, as described in this video, is stop thinking about them as some kind of possession, stop assuming they owe you something, and just be a good person. If you want just sex, you better be attractive and/ or comfortable with maniplulation, but if those things are true, you don't need advice. To build a lasting relationship, you need to actually care about the person you're interested in, you can't just want to pork them. They won't respect you no matter what you do. Unless you don't do that...

[@math6844]

No one can choose who they're attracted to. If she/he doesn't like you, well, that sucks. Believe me, I understand, I've gone through it many times, but trying to "win their heart" will only make things worse. Make your feelings known to them, if they feel the same way, fantastic, but if they don't, stay friends and move on. Continuing to pursue will just make you look creepy.

[@Lightlybow]

Your description of kissing makes me hesitate to ever do so.

[@sqronce]

My understanding is that I'm in the friend zone is someone is talking to me while not wearing glasses?

[@JohnTCano]

+Danielle Redgen What?

[@sqronce]

+John Cano Uhhh... he wasn't wearing glasses for all his friend zone examples. That's about all the explanation my mild joke needs.

[@quilespiritu]

HAHaHAHAha

[@MrLeviathan34]

Today, this 26th of November, I took the friend door and left the friendzone.

[@appleslover]

2019?

[@kwanryan5914]

have you stuck your tongue in someone else's mouth?

[@maskedperson100]

as someone who was is the friend zone for quite a bit i would like to share my story. i met the girl about 4 years ago and by about 2 years later i was fell in love with her, but she did not feel the same. i just kind of accepted it and well, pushed my feelings down because, i figured no mater how hard i tried she would not become gay for me, and even if she did like girls she wouldn't date in high school. about a week ago she confessed that she didn't know her sexuality, but she knew she liked girls because she wanted to kiss my face, and that i made her realize that times she would go off about how someone our age can't know what love is, she was wrong and that she was in love with me. it was the happiest moment of y life, and we are now dating.

[@bkaddictjk]

I would just like to say that after I read this I couldn't stop saying "Awwwww" for twenty seconds. :D

[@globypants6057]

Amazing story thanks for helping me escape the internet I always like to end on a happy note. :)

[@peptoplays]

I was able to escape being in the friend zone through the friend door. The hardest part was forcing myself not to think of him as a crush, but once I started it became really easy. It's actually much better now, because I have a great friend and have let in other people to date, and it's really awesome.

[@slikkh9522]

You know, perceptions around that term might have been a little different a decade ago and the advice in here is solid, I just wish the video had been titled “How to deal with unrequited romantic feelings” or some such. Commenters still seem to think this is like an incel video when it is anything but.

[@Smogget]

Hello from 2019. I've been finding that, on my journey through past Vlogbrothers content, so much of what has been said is still relevant and resonating. Case in point, I recently ended a friendship that was almost a decade old because I tried to get out of the friendzone, and was firmly shoved back in it. So I went through the exit. I haven't spoken in 4 months with someone I used to talk to every other day. I'll tell you something Past Hank, it's painful and I miss him, but I don't want him back in my life any time soon.

[@gogothewind123]

Gotta say from personal experience. Friendship door - highly recommended

[@pinkarific3]

My love, my first love, made it out of the friendzone :P. I met him when I moved to my current house in 7th grade; he was the first person to ever ask me out. I of course blatantly rejected him because I strongly disliked him! But then high school came around and we became friends, then best friends. 5 years later, as we're seniors now, he confessed his feelings and my first instinct was to friendzone! In fact, I did. The next day though, I pulled him aside and realized that, you know what, we could be more after all. We've been together for four months now and I'm new to this stuff, but everything is really great! Being friends for so long I think has even made what we have stronger. It is possible!

[@lilyarcher8351]

Best wishes to y'all. :)

[@JohnnyKelly]

So how did this turn out? I'm curious.

[@terafydetera7463]

I can actually kind of confirm what Hank said about friends who are just friends getting together. Me and my current girlfriend were literally just close friends, I was crushing on someone else and she was dating someone else. She was having relationship trouble and I comforted and even tried to get them back together while I was busy getting this girl I liked to date me (which we did for a little while) and through this my current girlfriend was hearing about things I did for my crush and has told me "Was kinda jealous of her" and after I got dumped by the crush, two weeks later she told me she liked me and about one day later I realized that I could have a happy relationship with her. Which I do. (Side note, while she was with her bf she was trying very hard to make the relationship work and I did tell her stuff like "If he continues disrespecting you dump his ass, you're worth more than that" because it was true)

[@HitsujiMamoru]

11 years old video. Still hold true. I wanna say this: 100% of this is true. There’s no way someone who friendzoned you will eventually un-friendzoned you. After so many years of trying and failing multiple times, the only answer that for sure let me be at peace, was to cut all ties (once in a very, very painful way for both of us)

[@colleenjuneglatzel5926]

I'm in the fanzone with you and John, and I like it very much.

[@Xidnaf]

After I watch each video, I open another tab for three videos in the suggestions.

[@HoneyBoom]

The friend zone is just something teenage boys who can't handle rejection made up to try and make girls feel bad. I think guys like this need to realise if you continuously say you've been friend zoned by every girl ever, it makes you sound like a fucking pervert who only wants one thing from a woman. And from what I've noticed a lot of the time these guys aren't actually nice. One moment they're like "oh i'm such a nice guy why won't girls date me" then like 5 minutes later on 4chan they say "tits or gtfo go make me a sandwich" to any girl who comes by. Guys, she's not friend zoning you. She just isn't interested. It's as simple as that.

[@Determinedbookworm]

The irony is that those who hold the friendzone complaint likes to frame it as "unlike boys, girls make poor choices in choosing mates" but if it's so easy for the 'friendzoned' guy to devolve into saying misogynist things then it shows that not only was he never that nice to begin with but ALSO that the girl made the RIGHT choice in rejecting him.

[@simpsonman956]

You realize that girls get friendzoned too? A good chunk of the musical "Avenue Q" is about a girl with friendzone problems. It may not be a healthy state-of-mind to be in, as you have to move on and let the person you like be their own person, but it's not male-exclusive, and it's very, very sexist of you to suggest that it is.

[@HoneyBoom]

***** *plays invisible violin*

[@KarateShotokanKid1]

***** Yes. But there's not half as many girls complaining about it as there are guys. Maybe it's different where you are, but where I live, most girls go 'eh well' (MOST) while the people complaining about it are generally guys moaning about how xyz has been such a bitch to them.

[@simpsonman956]

QuietFury I'd argue that it doesn't matter how many men vs women let being friendzoned affect them, especially if you genuinely believe that feminism aims to benefit both genders (whether or not you yourself are a feminist). I'd call it a worrysome state of mind worth addressing (as Hank does so well in this vid) regardless of which gender does it.

[@lightwarrior11]

I was in the friendzone once... for so much longer than I'd like to admit. Eventually it came to a point where I knew I just had to walk away, and since I was moving to a new city, it kind of happened naturally. I actually saw him today for the first time in quite a while, and it was a nice moment of closure. I am now in a relationship with an amazing man, and I know that "friend zone" guy was just not meant for me.

[@ahouyearno]

Best way is not to get in. After being friendzoned a few times I was just very very clear. I'm not interested in being "friends" with you. I have plenty of friends. So I take this as a goodbye. Just leave at that point but make it clear why. sometimes she'll beg you to stay. Just tell her to kiss you. It doesn't always work but when it does, you'll be happy you did it that way.

[@Xaiylia]

I am sure that's called "emotional manipulation" and that's probably the most disrespectful thing you can do to any human being regardless of how much you wanna fuck her.

[@ahouyearno]

Wrong. Being "friends" to have companionship from someone who's in love with you is the real emotional blackmail. I put all my cards on the table and it's up to her to choose how to continue. It's the most honest thing you can do to her and yourself. No manipulation involved. I don't want to be friends, I want to be a couple. To remain friends because the other route is "blackmail", is blackmail in and of itself. Emotional manipulation much ... stringing along a man in love. That's really horrible.

[@qsqua]

ahouyearno It differs based on your upbringing amongst other things AFAICT. A kiss though literally the same, would hold varying importance and perspectives to a multitude of people. Hence the reason why some people treat it just like a superficial expression while others signify it as a deep emotional bond.

[@ahouyearno]

This video is about the friendzone. A major problem being that men are not allowed to say to women how much they hate it. How much it hurts. How selfish it is to friendzone a guy in love. I take the other route. If women can be selfish by friendzoning me, I can be just as selfish and honestly explain why I can't accept that. It's either all or nothing. At that point, my selfish yet altruistic act makes her realize she actually likes me more than a friend.

[@whereisrowena]

ahouyearno Your attitude of cutting the friendship off if you want more and she doesn't is fine and probably the attitude I'd take myself. However, calling a woman selfish because she doesn't return your feelings is not fair. How would you feel if someone you weren't attracted you told you they loved you, you apologised and said you didn't feel the same and they called you horrible and selfish? We, like men, can't force ourselves to be attracted to people.

[@youknowinhindsight]

I think one of the prerequisities for an actually mutually enjoyable romantic relationship is that you're not worried about being "friendzoned". That if the person turned you down, you wouldn't feel crushed and would be perfectly happy remaining that person's friend.

[@epicxiphos8269]

I escaped the friendzone... I don't even know how. I think it might have been something like door # 1. It wasn't even on purpose(i didnt even know what the friendzone was at the time) She started calling me her brother and i was like sure ok ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I just kept being her friend but i was probably so shy that i never expressed myself enough to be creepy. Then by the end of the year we were pretty close and i was more then a friend :)

[@jasperfarin]

I feel like Hank missed a kinda important exit strategy, which is just being honest to your friend. If they haven't explicitly said they don't want to date you (which, yes, leaves the two exit strategies that Hank offers), then you've still got the option of simply saying how you feel, which is, like, usually always a good thing. Yes. Usually always. Yeah, it might be awkward if you tell someone you like them and they reject you, but it will help you move on and end your obsession. And ending such an unhealthy fixation is good 100% of the time, no matter how awkward it gets.

[@Whiteguard37]

So where do I stand? I'm a little confused. I am still in the friendzone with a couple of girls including my best friend, but I value my friendships so much that I don't mind and just live on with them as my friend and let my feelings fade. In fact, I friendzoned myself because my one friend had every guy in our group was trying to get into her pants and I knew she needed one guy friend not trying to, so I vowed not to ever make a move on or let feelings develop for her? Am I just like... a doormat?

[@lilyarcher8351]

Now admittedly I don't know you, but that doesn't sound like being a doormat, to me. It sounds like you've got mixed feelings but you're choosing what matters most to you: caring for your friends as friends, in spite of the fact that you feel some attraction to them. And friendship done right, rather than as a means to an end, can be a pretty cool thing even if there is enough attraction mixed into it to make it awkward sometimes. Maybe something else will come up with one of these ladies over time, maybe not. But you'll still have the good times hanging out with them and all the memories you make. ...Hope that's not too cliche.

[@Whiteguard37]

Lily Archer No, I don't think that's cliche'. Thanks, its kinda validating tbh.

[@lilyarcher8351]

I'm glad. :)

[@tSp289]

I'd guess it means you are too afraid to take a risk. Understandable, but a little pathetic. I'd suggest you go look elsewhere for a girlfriend. Then you'll find out if you really are friends with that girl or if you're just a hanger-on. Her feeling 'safe' with you is only because she does not see you as a sexual partner. That's why many women have gay friends; they don't have to worry about that guy trying it on with them. That won't change. Being 'not a threat' in that way also means that she doesn't want you to be a 'threat' (for want of a better word). If you're both genuine friends then that's fine. If you're in a subservient position or pitied, then that's not a realtioinship of equals. Real friends don't bow and scrape: they brush each other off sometimes. Watch wong fu's video on it. Pretty funny and very true.

[@rorolilred]

I don't think that means you're 'friendzoned', there's a difference between having a crush on your friend and being 'friendzoned', at least if we're going by Hank's definition anyway.

[@DANCINGflowerROBOT]

this "friend-zone" thing is bullshit. just because you're nice to a girl doesn't mean she owes you anything! you can't blame someone for feeling the way they feel. y'all should be grateful she even wants your sorry ass around at all.

[@bananian]

stop saying it like only guys use the word. And stop judging and stereotyping men. What if the girl just friendzoned a guy because he is ugly? It's not the girl's fault but it's not the guy's fault either.

[@DANCINGflowerROBOT]

bananian all i got from that was "im angry bc someone is calling men out for their bullshit and that bruises my giant ass masculine ego". stay in your lane, son.

[@bananian]

all I got from you was that you like repeating things you hear from the internet and thinking it's the truth. Might as well jump into conclusion about certain race doing certain things, too.

[@DANCINGflowerROBOT]

bananian nothing you just said makes sense. spare yourself the humiliation and save your "logic" for a concept you actually understand. im not going to argue with an ignorant pissboy. it's beneath me. bye.

[@DANCINGflowerROBOT]

bananian lmao no, actually. you're just embarrassing yourself further. so for the last time, stay in your lane, pissboy.

[@Lucent151]

so getting out of the friendzone is practically being godlike

[@protoman21]

Brilliant analysis of the Friendzone! You recognize that the Friendzone exists, but is not either person's fault. You rightfully put the burden of exiting the Friendzone on the person who is in it, and you basically point out that being nice to someone in order to get something from them is not really nice. I am going to point people to this video whenever I have a disagreement with anyone about the Friendzone in the future.

[@littlemisslucy9801]

why is no one talking about blair and nate in the thumb nail?? or maybe my eyesight is just bad. or im the only nerd that watches 'teen dramas'

[@medjed2511]

FIRE OF MY DESIRE!!

[@victorakintola4145]

I was friendzoned, and it was the worst pain i ever felt

[@mattvalcarc]

That plug at the end was so seamless. Kudos to you, Hank Green

[@keatonsmith5669]

Had a girl that I was just about to ask out, when she told me that she's dating a guy... that she can't believe how similar he is to me... sigh.

[@sarahgrace3562]

I thought I remembered John doing a video response to this one, and I can't seem to find it. Does anyone know what it was called?

[@tiff0795]

My thing is...I'm not 100% sure you can call what I'm in as "the friendzone." Yes, we've been friends for years, but the thing is, when we first met each other, we were prepubescent and going to a Christian school so we were not attracted to each other. Now, as both of us are nearing our twenties, and after countless hours of hanging out together and talking on the phone and skype and sharing videos back and forth on youtube and texting, it is safe to say that we are each other's best friends. More than that, we've helped each other out of depression, there are things that we know about each other than no one else in the world knows, we spent each other's 18th birthdays together, I just this year went to his house to ring in the new years with him and his family and we even went Black Friday shopping together. His family loves me, and I love his family, and it's the same with him and my family. Recently, I have started to have feelings for him and the way his family has been acting, they are rooting for us to ultimately end up together and be each other's first...well, everything. However, I don't want to stick my tongue down his throat or anything along those lines. I love him because he is my best friend and I don't want anything to separate us. The thought of having to go through life without having him to turn to or vice versa scares me. This isn't necessarily because of potential death or him liking someone else (though, from his open house I appear to be the only non-family member female he knows), it is just merely the act of drifting apart, which happens too often in friendships. We seem to be the only ones that can understand each other's thought process and humor. Our friends say that we would be excellent together because we are so alike, but we talk to each other like siblings, but we don't get tired of each other like best friends and it's this weird relationship we have going on that I've never had with any other person. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't care if he doesn't love me romantically so much as I care if I lose him. I don't know if that's necessarily the friendzone, but that's kind of what I've been forced to chalk it up to because there is no other word that comes close.

[@spidaminida]

Well ask yourself how you'd feel seeing him with someone else. If you're not cool with it, you should ask him out ;)

[@tiff0795]

spidaminida I would rather have him be happy with someone else and me not be than me be happy with him but him not be...first and foremost, he's my best friend, and I can't control his life nor would I want to because that wouldn't be love. If he would be happy with someone else, I'm happy for him, I just don't want to lose a friend so whoever that someone else would be, if that would be the case, I hope they would be alright with that.

[@pri0n]

Unfortunately your problem is nothing new and has been happening to people forever. And unfortunately there is no answer to that problem. It's a 50/50 on what his reaction to you will be, and it's understandable if you don't want to risk losing him. But a couple things I see: A. It sounds like neither of you have done much or any dating of other people. If that's the case, I know it gets harder the older you get but you have to put yourself out there somehow to make sure you aren't just becoming attracted to the familiarity. Or the idea that no one else could ever get you. The world is big and there's lots of people out there that would be great for you but they can be hard to find. See: every person looking for love ever. B. If you don't date other people(or maybe even if you do), it will eat at you forever and never get easier. You will eventually have to talk about it if you don't want to be miserable for the rest of your life. There will always be that what if. The only hope I can give you is that I've been there, and if you guys are really that strong of friends, you can push through it if it doesn't work out. I've had a best friend that I dated for like 3 weeks because there had been that tension for years and we just had to try it. It didn't work but we talked about it and were able to remain friends after. You just have to be careful to not do anything hurtful or blame anybody. Stuff just doesn't work sometimes but you have to give it a try or it will consume you.

[@roxyndra]

The first step is for you both to declare to one another than you will never leave each other's lives, regardless of circumstances. You don't need a romantic connection to be there for one another. After that step is taken, you may decide to take your relationship in a romantic direction, and yes, it's scary, but the thing is... if you're truly best friends, nothing will break your friendship, even if dating doesn't work out for you. Friendship should come first. If two people in a romantic relationship can't have a friendship, they won't last.

[@MissCaraMint]

I recently told my friend I had a crush on him. He turned me down (which was sad), but somehow by being honest and just telling him I feel that I won an important battle for myself. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and even though he doesn't like me (in that way), that just means that I'll be able to move on. Also I'm very grateful that I was able to keep him as a friend after I told him, because he is an amazing friend. xxx Someone who is (relatively) content with life.

[@sqronce]

Ok, ok, ok. Here's my issue: I fall in love with literally everyone I know, because I just love everyone. Like, maybe not even romantic love, but, I'd adopt the crap out of anyone. I remember when I was in primary school and my friend who was a couple months older than me, I always told her I wanted to adopt her, 'cause I loved her so much! So, I would date any one of my friends, because why would I be friends with someone I didn't love the crap out of? But maybe this is making me be a creep to all my friends. I dunno. I mean, I wouldn't date my friend Simon, because he's pretty much always on heroin... but, just about any other friend. I forget what point I'm making. It's 6:45am. I'm not supposed to make sense at this hour.

[@Darticus42]

+Danielle Redgen None of us make any sense at that hour. Like when I walk *all the way across my room* and turn off my alarm clock *on max volume* and go back to sleep without even waking up in the first place.

[@DrDingsGaster]

I am in the friendzone but I am not one of the zombie lust mongers. Sure I have this longing for someone to just take me for theirs but I don't try and force them to be with me or try and sneakily get them to realize they do love me because that is wrong. I fully support them as a friend and go on from there doing friend things as friends because friendship.

[@sawrirocks]

Blair and Nate in the thumbnail though...

[@odhranr]

Hank, I very much doubt you'll see this but here goes. At your signing in Dublin this week, my girlfriend said to you that this video inspired us to get together. I was next in the queue, and you told me that the more probable cause was that she was "cute and lovely" (hearing that pretty much made her year, by the way). Either way, I feel like I should thank you here as well as in person. Your video, John's books and nerdiness in general all helped in one way or another. DFTBA.

[@hqlife5128]

Does anyone ever desired to be in the friendzone? I desire to have a good friend of opposite gender

[@oscarfellows6709]

[HQ]Life That's not the Friendzone. That's being friends with the opposite gender, and it's pretty common. The Friendzone is not something that anybody wants because it is a phenomenon that occurs when one person says "Hey, want to be monogamous face-licking partners?" and the other person says "No, but being friends is pretty great, so let's keep doing that."

[@michaelcalabrese6009]

Tbh leaving the friend zone is not as good as the hunt

[@ilikecookies230]

I understand now

[@cheeseincorperated]

I agree with you completely, and I think it's really important that people understand that feminism is really about equality, and that doesn't always benefit women, such as in the case you pointed out. I think that a woman should not be defended if she is hit by someone if she initiated the fight in the first place. What I hope people and society end up achieving is equality in law and in everyday life. I definitely don't think we deserve better, but we do deserve the same rights and conditions.

[@victoriamorris3783]

Can we just get rid of "friendzoned" already? The friendzone is a pretty bad idea on a whole lot of levels, not least because it stems from what should be outdated concepts of entitlement.

[@lilyarcher8351]

Mm. It gets overused in a "she owes me" sense, yes, but I think it the term may have its uses, especially in scenarios where one or more participants feel desire but the relationship hasn't been clarified, or the participant in question hasn't taken the leap to explain themselves.

[@rorolilred]

I agree, I think it just sounds like you're blaming the other person for not being attracted to you. I saw a meme once that said "Friendzoning doesn't exist because women aren't machines that you put niceness coins into until sex falls out."

[@piecesibble]

Newsflash. The friendzone doesn't exist. It's just a word people invented when they couldn't handle someone not having the same feelings towards them. Please, be happy to have wonderful people in your life and don't push someone else's feelings.

[@ivanlagrossemoule]

Actually girls invented it as a method of rejection. But like I just said, it's rejection. So guys should either move on or accept having the girl as a friend. It works the other way around too (women being friendzoned).

[@EcceJack]

Quite. Which is pretty much what Hank pointed out in the video: showering someone with interest and expecting to deserve love in return is a pretty shitty way of treating a friend (not an actual quote; paraphrasing), so while you may be treated like a friend by the other party (due to their lack of knowledge of your motivations), it is not at all friendship, or healthy (in the long run) for any of the involved parties. So either be their friend (if you can, but that doesn't mean 'stay as you are') or just leave.

[@americanslime]

I mean, it's a thing that exists, I think most people have been in it at some point because fiction has always sold us the idea that being nice to someone you like will gradually make them love you (which, to be clear, is incredibly unrealistic and kinda manipulative). It's just that it's probably one's own fault for being in it and people have a tendency to handle it really badly. It's also a term that tends to fare well among douchebags.

[@saraweaver1994]

What if it is they like you and you know it but you're way too shy to say anything.

[@jstir6437]

There was this person that I thought I was in love with, and it was messing with my life not being with them. Then one day, I finally had the presence of mind after like 4 years or this to sit down and look at my feelings. I was like, “what would BEING in a romantic relationship with this person actually look like” and I realized that that kind of relationship was the last thing I wanted. It was actually the catalyst to helping me realize that I wasn’t interesting in romantic (or sexual) relationships with anyone. I had spend so long being told that wanting to be around and close with a person of the opposite gender was a sign that you were in love with them, I didn’t realize that I was just looking for a friend.

[@christinag2420]

The friendzone isn't real. It's a sexist concept used when someone says no to you and you make up a imaginary thing to feel better about yourself.

[@ivanlagrossemoule]

Sexist ? The fuck ?

[@bluespraypaint3914]

ivanlagrossemoule If you were to search up the definition of friend zone many websites while say it is typically a man or ONLY man who can be in the friend zone. although this dose not prevail true because you gender dose not determine whether or not you can be in love with someone you are friends with , and all the friends zone means is that someone doesn't like you back which is completely okay. although the trend seeming to be is that men have larger egos then woman , perhaps because they get paid more for doing the same job , are more likely to not be blamed if they were rapped or murderd , get a better education , vote ect. So they must compensate for said ego by claiming that the deserve something (when they don't) from the other person. saying that because they are oh-so nice the deserve to be in a relationship with that person . although it's not nice if you do it in return for something and would likely lead to a unhealthy , possible abusive relationship. so that is why the friend zone is sexsist.

[@ivanlagrossemoule]

claire macdonald Men don't have larger egos than women, they base their values on different things. Go tell girls in the street they look fat, you'll get alot of ego in your face too. Tell the same to men and most won't even care. Men place alot of effort to get women, and in fact, getting women is what they are told their value comes from. It's not only about ego, it's about feeling cheated after providing alot of effort. In fact, they are told that they are good enough, but at the same time the girl doesn't want them. That can be sort of confusing. But there's nothing sexist about the friendzone, it's simply guys who often are too scared to show that they are interested. Women get the attention and are happy with it, while men get screwed because they provide the effort for no result.

[@XPimKossibleX]

If a girl talks to you about a guy she likes and asks for advice it's inescapable friendzone level right?

[@wrijack]

No, you can still escape. You can either stop talking to that person or become genuine friends with them. You're the one putting yourself in a friendzone, really, so you're also the one that would be able to escape from it or not. That can be an incredibly hard thing to do, though.

[@XPimKossibleX]

Jack! thanks, think i'll just stay friends with them, I mean why leave someone you like being with? Also can I please steal your profile pic?

[@tarannicole7232]

Or just say how you feel.... Its not hard

[@wrijack]

Taran Nicole That's a major part in doing either one of those things. It's just after doing that, you will either accept friendship or move on and hopefully grow from that experience. You know, like what Hank said.

[@MyLalala9]

Actually I've asked my guy friends that I've liked questions like that more than once

[@cheeseincorperated]

Thank you for saying this! Also, it should be noted that if women are "friendzoned" that word is often not used, and while there is sympathy for her, the man is not often blamed for turning he down, and he is less often accused of leading her on, as many women are if they reject someone else. And yeah, saying that "hot" women don't often get rejected doesn't work because people's conceptions of others differ in terms of attractiveness.

[@Micahlee_19]

If you call yourself a nice person but the only reason you're friends with your person is to get in their pants.... spoiler alert: you're not a nice person.

[@TheAlchemyElf]

Hank is kinda weird without glasses.

[@justinr833]

Just happy to be comment number 5,000 So yes.... This comment is pointless

[@TheEelg]

That's actually a great point about the friendzone: it's not like a friendship. I'm so tired of that cliché that once you're friends with a girl she will never fall in love with you. Personnally I need to be friends first, because it's the only way for me to feel equal to the other person. I always feel incredibly awkward with a suitor. In order to work, flirting should go both ways: if the other person doesn't respond to the romance, just try to get to know them first, that actually helps.

[@NekoMimiMisa]

So many people missing the point of this video

[@dyson0187]

The way I realise I was in the friend zone is when she told me that I was more like a brother to her than anything else. God I hate how being nice to girls you extremely like backfires on you. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@Ndasuunye]

LOLOLOLOLOLIOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO............L

[@laurenburnett8202]

lol

[@cristinariveratorres4461]

Crap I told this to a guy I liked...... NoooOoo

[@dyson0187]

Cristina Rivera Torres Yeah but you were the one who said it. You might still have a chance. She said it to me so the idea of both of us together went straight down the toilet. God I hate being a teenager!!!!!

[@guillermoramirez2058]

***** I know that your situation is really bad but its not because you were nice to here. She said that either because she noticed that you liked her and just wanted to be nice to you or the most likely one, she is just not interested on you but she consider you a really good friend and you should be mad and let that friendship go to waste

[@coopersaude6825]

So here's what happens you meet a girl you like her you treat her right and she friend zones you , you guys stop talking then years or months later she comes back wanting more than just a friendship usually it's weird but it works . women don't know what they want until it walks away from them . Emotional manipulation works sorry but it's just the way of life.

[@riversongpond5139]

TheAmazingJoeman its actually true what cooper said. I friendzoned the now love of my life but that was because he was just so awkward. we are now together and planning to be together until we die

[@Ndasuunye]

sorry, too impaitent for that bullshit. That's why I don't worry about girls and only worry about my career. And THAT is how you get the ladies....by not wanting them...wwow sounds gay now that I think about it...but it works for me.

[@TheAmazingJoeman]

Riversong Pond and others. The thumbs up on my comment say otherwise, but I'm pretty sure nobody that has responded to my comment in writing is older than 18. Don't delete your comments though; they'll be hilariously embarrassing to read once you're out of high school a few years.

[@thelol77]

TheAmazingJoeman You sound like quite the high schooler yourself, fawning over thumbs up on youtube. You're misguided and self-righteous, an intellectual drifter moving from one ideology to the next. Feel superior yet, valiant knight? I hope someday you grow a brain cell and realize that everyone is not equal. Not worse, not better, but not equal. And maybe, just maybe, the many historical, biological, and cultural differences between males and females translate to important psychological distinctions as well. Sexuality is not privileged as an area of human life, and there are observable trends within it just like any other domain. But you'll continue to deny the disparities along gender lines. Cling, cling desperately to your spoon-fed crap, manlet. It won't bring you the respect you crave.

[@raynewebba]

Little girls respond fabulously to emotional manipulation. Desirable women however...not so much.

[@quilespiritu]

2:23 is so powerful and honest and humble. More people should hear it, ya know?

[@gabrielleb.9220]

I would like to argue that there is another type of friendzone. This would be when two people are good friends, then one friend finds themselves falling for the other romantically. But the other friend's feelings are ambiguous.

[@alicattor1469]

Hank deals with this in such a good way I think. I feel like it's becoming harder and harder to sympathize with people that are doing shitty things or have shitty mindsets. I personally disagree with the concept of the friendzone and tend to imagine people that think of themselves as being in the friendzone as typically misogynistic guys who are frustrated that women might want relationships with others that don't involve sleeping with them. The thing is, that this makes it really hard for me to relate to people who do believe in the friendzone or think of themselves as being stuck in it. But what I think is special about this video is that Hank is empathizing with those people, understanding them, but also not letting them off the hook. I love the line "I wasn't being a nice guy; I wasn't being sensitive; I wasn't even being a good friend." since this is such a common sentiment that I've heard from people who have supposedly "friendzoned" guys. The way that he's made this video though I think allows people in that situation to understand their actions better - they might listen to Hank and start seeing what they're doing from the other's perspective. After all, it's all about understanding others more complexly.

[@sixpomegranateseeds6893]

In middle school I developed a crush on one of my already best friends for a few months, and if you know anything about me I crush really hard, so I was getting really panicked about maybe ruining our friendship. But when I found out they liked someone else, instead of being sad about it, it made me feel better. Like, I could stop worrying about becoming the object of or losing their affections because I never had them to begin with, and it made it so much easier. They're one of my best platonic friends now!

[@7nathanarmy]

I have a huge crush on this girl, she's my friend. I told her how I felt and that I understood if that somehow made things awkward and she didn't wanna be friends anymore, but I would still wanna be her friend if she did. She told me she didn't feel the same but of course she still wanted to be my friend. She still is my friend almost two years later. Honestly we're better friends now than we were then. It's not the friend zone though, because I like being her friend. She's an awesome friend, she's supportive and fun and a far better listener than any of my other friends. I think if you wanna avoid the friend zone, be upfront about your feelings from the beginning. Don't drop it on her six months later and expect her to return those feelings. People don't have to like you just because you like them

[@JellyMyst]

It's also unreasonable to expect someone who is genuinely in love with you to "just stay friends" because, just like Hank said, they would have to live with those feelings for you every day and be reminded of that devastating rejection every time they see you. The loved may not owe love, but the lover doesn't owe friendship either.

[@yaakarkad]

I think one of the issues is even framing it as a friend zone. I am in love with my best friend, have told them, and have gotten rejected, but I refuse to ever call it a friend zone because I know how toxic that mindset can be. Staying friends with them is not a downgrade, or worse, it’s just different. Another tenet of the friend zone mindset is a refusal to understand the other person’s feelings. After doing so, I realized I just am not their type. Moreover, they have never actually fallen in love before, so it’s not even personal. What would make a romantic relationship with them destiny isn’t your potential compatibility, it’s mutual love. You can’t fail at that, since you can’t really control it, but if it hasn’t happened and you’re pretty sure it never will, then there’s no way you, together, are destiny. Experience also helps. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a massive crush on a friend. Now, I look at my previous crushed in awe, wondering how I could’ve spent so long denying the flaws and the manipulations of that other person. Now, the person I’m currently in love with, I know is good person, unlike those others that have hurt me in the past. However, I can’t deny they probably aren’t the deity I often make them out to be. And that’s a healthy way to look at it! If this is you first time falling for someone, don’t worry: it will pass. Maybe it will take one more year and you’re scared and you feel like you’re going to love them desperately your entire life, but it will pass. Trust me.

[@JBRewind]

Wow, this is... very true. I got out of the friendzone, but I wasn't even trying. I was convinced that it wouldn't happen, so I just wanted to be her friend and keep her happy. Very soon after, she broke up with her boyfriend and told me she wanted to be with me. That was over a year ago and we are now engaged. Before her though, I tried DESPERATELY with another girl to get out of the friendzone, but it never worked, and I am no loner friends with that girl. Well done, Hank.

[@cherryrosetan]

I agree. Life is unpredictable, and you never know what they're thinking. I asked out my best friend, and he said yes. He never expected that I was interested because other guys had been asking me out at the time. Even though we are no longer together, it was a valuable, wonderful experience. I am glad I took that leap of faith. :)

[@eggpojk]

Expecting to be rewarded when you treat someone like a human being is not cool, and people should really stop whining about being "friendzoned" because that boy/girl does not owe you anything. They can't help it if they are not attracted to you. And..if they think of you as a friend or even a sibling, isn't that the most beautiful thing in the world?

[@jevjev1000]

yep you're absolutely right. everyone gets friendzoned at one point or another, it's no ones fault. it just means the two people are not compatible. it used to be rather than saying 'i really liked this person and and i've been really nice to her trying to show im boy/girlfriend material but she said we're just friends' you could say 'i really liked this person but i've been friendzoned' and then everything one would just be like 'ohh ok'. it's sad to see it become a 'whose the victim' game.

[@Son0fHobs]

Wow, this is probably the coolest most serendipitous thing ever. Your Kiva invite helped me eat, & get a little closer to not getting evicted! I love Kiva, but haven't gone there in forever. I was curious what the invite and groups were about, so I clicked on the link. I figured if I could make a free loan, I might as well. When I logged in, I found out that I had never withdrawn the money from my loans years back. I had $75 that I never realized! Food & shelter! Om nom nom... Thx!

[@JessicaLB7]

In my opinion, it is wrong to be nice to someone in order for them to reciprocate the feelings you have towards them. Being nice doesn't mean that the other person owes you anything. You are supposed to be nice because you want to be nice. There is a difference between being nice and expecting something from it, and being nice because you feel that person just deserves to be treated nice. If it were me, and I found out a person who I felt was a friend had feelings towards me, I would have to consider whether or not they were only being nice to me because they expected something from it. I too have fallen for a friend who didn't feel the same. However, I was still nice and a friend because I wouldn't want him to be in a relationship with me because he felt obligated to.

[@Dare2Blink]

I feel your pain man, hang in there. Although I have been "friendzoned" only years later did I realize what I was doing wrong. It does hurt in the beginning, but later on you realize how much better you are with someone else than you would be with that person in the first place.

[@TheGyreMadHatter]

Speaking as someone who was in the friendzone- I really liked this guy I met in class. Found out soon that he was desparately in love with his girlfriend who lived in another city. So, I waited, hoping that they had an open relationship. And then, after constant exposure and seeing how happy his girlfriend made him and what a good dude he was... I just got over it. I even told him that I liked him soon after. And now, we live together. As friends. So yeah, real life. It's not that desperate.

[@Ariel_thenotsolittlemermaid]

I heard the phrase 'friendzone'. Makes it sound like if you love someone, they're doing you a disgrace by not loving you back and wanting to simply be friends. NO ONE OWES YOU ROMANTIC LOVE

[@twittwittwooo]

LOVE that gossip girl was used as the thumbnail for this. Just going to assume Hank is a fan which I love.

[@TylerCurtisSteele]

Surprisingly spot on. I recently became single and there were a couple instances where I was doing SO MUCH for 2 people. Basically more then a normal person would and when he explained it using that ant and sun analogy and further thoughts. I felt like it was my behavior down to a tee. Note to self: Stop all communications with person when that happens. OR don't even fucking do it anymore! Balance your wisdom among other friends and not shower just one person in it.

[@oldanowe1696]

hank now you're on a new series and u helped me with chem, now i will watch all YOUR VLOGBROTHERS VIDEOS

[@zrajm]

To begin with I was thinking "friendzone" had something to do with being *friends*, so the video made no sense to me. I enjoy getting to know people. In fact I enjoy it so much that I *prefer* getting to know people as friends before moving on to any romantic and/or sexy bits. - Looking for (more) ways to go from being friends, to being more than friends, I thought *that* would be what the video would be about. - This was fun too, though! :)

[@LaLuneEstJolie]

As a high school senior, I finally told my crush of 3 years (he was two years younger than me) that I liked him. His response was, "aren't you going to college?" Ouch. Looking back, I realize that it was necessary. You can't build someone up in your mind and obsess over them, it's extremely unhealthy. Less than 6 months later, I met my current boyfriend, didn't go through the obsessive phase, and we've been dating for almost 5 years. The "friendzone" is real, but only because we create it!

[@anayad13]

So here is my thing, I took the friend door a long time ago, thinking "well, I am one of his best and only friends, so I suppose I am most beneficial to him as that. I mean, I care enough to listen and help him out no matter what, even if it puts me at a disadvantage (like when it comes to relationships, I give him legit advice, and help him improve on the what he sees as the negative aspects of himself). Somewhere down the road, if it's meant to be it'll happen, if not oh well still friends"

[@megc4605]

The thing with escaping the friendzone is that you could also find a way in. like my current bf was SO totally friendzoned that we felt comfortable enough with each other that when he would ask me what I was doing I would tell him that I was in the shower and the next day in Algebra class I would say that he was such a good FRIEND that I could trust him. And then one day he writes me this amazing letter that professes his secret love for me, even though we had previously dated for 3 months before he got really needy and clingy so I broke it off. But you know, you could always just profess your love for that person through a poem.

[@autumnnisawesome]

this guy was my friend for years and for the majority of that time that i knew he liked me but he was very needy and i didnt want to be in a relationship where i was just an object of affection and not someone who i had mutual respect with. a couple months ago i think he took a while and realized that and when he started treating me more like a friend and less like a "girl" (like for potential sexy times) then we went out and now weve been together for a while and that was nice.

[@RedneckNinja23]

Start off with some light flirting, comments that let her know you admire her, enjoy her company, etc. Her responding in kind means there may be an interest. Honestly, if she's not completely ignoring you or not responding at all to flirting, go ahead and ask her. About "too soon," maybe you could ask someone you trust to watch how you interact, as sometimes it's easy to misinterpret feelings when they're aimed toward you. Try to interact privately, public usually equals pressure. Good luck!

[@addleboy5283]

Along with what was said in the video, I believe that being shy and lacking confidence are also factors in falling into the "friendzone". (I speak from experience.) I feel like a lot of the time the reason such relationships continue is because the person hasn't told their crush how they really feel about them. The truth is your crush might not even see you as a potential romantic partner. The thought may not have even crossed their mind. With the situation I was in, I had been in the "friendzone" for several months before I finally grew the balls to ask her out. At first, she said no, and that she didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. Things sort of went back to normal even though I felt really awkward about it. I was really surprised when SHE asked ME if I wanted to go on a date a few days later, and we ended up seeing each other for about a year. I just happened to be lucky, but I really should have let her know sooner. You may get rejected, but you'll never know until you put yourself out there. Other than that, Hank's advice on exiting the "friendzone" is great! Also, to those guys saying that they're 18 or 19 and haven't had a girlfriend or their first kiss yet, it's not to late for you! I hadn't had my first girlfriend or kiss until I was 21 mostly for the reasons above.