Forget Forgiveness and Harness Hate | Olivia Porter | TEDxChicago

[@AA-iy4gm]

thank you for highlighting that forgiveness is not a natural feeling for people, no wonder it felt off when people would keep preaching to forgive and move on, it just sounds like they don't want to hear or deal with anyone's hardships and find it easier to rush the person to basically shut up.

[@LifeofDayy]

This has been my perspective for a long time. You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone. And if you feel like you’re being guilted into forgiving someone (by that person, by your community, by your religion, etc.), it won’t bring you peace. It may make some people feel better to forgive terrible things but I find it nearly pointless, especially if someone’s done something really heinous to you. There are a handful of people to whom I will never extend forgiveness, and I’m truly happy and at peace with that.

[@Simon-d8n]

Well said. . I agree. .. I. Tryed to forgive. But I can’t. Forgive. Abusers. ..it’s. Low vibration mindset people behaviour. And. It’s. Week. Behaviour

[@JonkoJointson]

​@@Simon-d8n you are both mistaken. Forgiveness is not for others. Forgiveness is for the self to move on. "sin is trusting yourself more than God"

[@Simon-d8n]

@@JonkoJointson I not into religion or cults. So my ideology is different from most people. Yes. I. Don’t. Ever forgive. Anyone. Who. Behave bad towards me or others. .. and. I fine with that path. .. I live a very private life. Because I sick of cutting people off. For doin Bad behaviour. .. look I not perfect but. I better person when I live in solitude and. Sry to my own path.

[@Simon-d8n]

I don’t believe in forgiveness. At all.

[@ivadedeva7005]

@@JonkoJointson well you are mistaken. Person who is stuck with abusers already forgave them for the abuse and it lead to more abuse more violence and more lack of self esteem.

[@ronwilcoxson946]

So beautifully said. I “hate” the phrase forgive and forget. You will never forget. Our brain circuitry is there to protect us and forgetting opens us to being injured again. I love what she says because it’s not about forgetting, it’s about taking the focus away from the offender and the event(s). Every time we think about and chew on how we’ve been offended we keep that memory fresh. What she’s saying is to take our focus and put it on something positive, love. When that’s where your focus is, then the freshness of the event begins to stale because you’re no longer feeding it with your thoughts.

[@oporter1452]

Yes!!! I’m so glad you understand my message.

[@fear_less_2020]

Excellently articulated, Ron!

[@Simon-d8n]

That right. If you hate. Then you never go back. To be. Hurt again. And. If you forgive. You giving. Them. A. Pass. For there behaviour. Ha. They even. Tried to wipe my memory. So. Yes. I don’t forgive. But I do go live a amazing life away from them. And I left military. And I now. Happyest I ever been. That. Blue on blue. Behaviour was intense. And. The. Military. Lost. Me. For there behaviour

[@Simon-d8n]

Yes. Focus on a positive. New love or a new hobby or life path. All that god stuff. Is the key to a happy. Life and to be at peace ☮️ also.

[@TxHoneyBee]

Thank you Olivia Porter! I was abused by an 'alcoholic' narcissist, and I spent way to much time in the cult called 'Al-Anon' where they victim-blame, insist that abuse survivors 'detach' and stay stuck in abuse, and that we must 'forgive' these demons. Al-Anon is more victim-blaming abuse. It was so awful! Al-Anon kept me stuck. The only way I got away and to peace was to harness righteous anger and hatred of the person who harmed me. Thank you for this message. I felt it in my life that this was true, and I love that this talk is so validating for survivors.

[@SunitaDe]

You hate injustice, because you strive for fairness. You hate abuse, because you want to help others. Use your hate to fuel the opposite - what you love. Ok now this made some damn sense. Well done!

[@oporter1452]

Thank you! I’m glad you appreciate my talk.

[@abc-rp2nf]

Nope. Focusing on the negative will only give it more power

[@michaelboahenayeh6587]

@abc you should read more

[@bastian6173]

Wow, I absolutely love this concept!!! I've had emotional issues for close to 20 years now. Was bullied a lot as a kid. Had a raging father. Parents almost divorced. Mother always crying. I just always had trouble moving forward. Literally always felt like I was attacking myself from within. The point you mentioned about movement and reasoning and physical energy is so spot on! Hate can be a very powerful driver. But only if you know how to channel it and use it wisely. This video shows the way. The ideas you presented are gonna be stuck with me for days. Thank you! ❤❤

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome!!

[@onlytruedreamer7697]

Wow, that has to be the best perspective of love/hate when it comes to being wronged. I've never thought of seeing hate in that form before. Props to Mrs. Porter for this awesome perspective.

[@oporter1452]

Thank you !!!!

[@1LovedbyHim]

Oh my goodness…This was such an eye-opener for me! I’m definitely going to practice this because this forgiveness thing is no joke, it’s so hard, especially having to be around the offender and his family EVERY SINGLE WEEK! Thank you for this!

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome!

[@africanwildshealthcare254]

❤❤❤ I love your content. Now I understand why I can never forgive the things that some people have done to me, because I love respect and honesty.

[@alisonrobinson6570]

I’ve been trying to forgive a truly heinous act for months and months. This is the first video I’ve encountered that finally makes any sense when it comes to forgiveness. Thank you to Olivia a million times over.

[@oporter1452]

Alison Robinson I am so glad my video could help you. I hope you are healing and God bless you in everything you do. Please share the video and keep in touch.

[@dianeibsen5994]

Alison. Thank you for your comment. I have a question for you as I am working through a lot of hurt, anger and disgust. did you feel bad that you weren't able to do the whole forgiveness thing "right" and it wasn't "working" did anyone make it your fault? like that you weren't doing it "right" because you were still feeling hate towards this person or anger? This is what a lot of the mental health "professionals" and or "spiritual" mentors. I've run into in the past would say.

[@fear_less_2020]

This is what I needed. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you, Olivia Porter.

[@kc7476]

This a seriously underrated concept! She explains it so well.

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!

[@pmproductions3712]

This was a really good message and a very powerful mind shift. I needed to hear this as I'm currently working through some negative emotions and now I have some tools to help me.

[@Lowdermoomoo]

This is my View on forgiveness when they say to forgive my ex husband. I did the same thing. It works sooo much better! I hate him because I love myself more than his abuse

[@oporter1452]

Yes!!!

[@mangoyacho]

well said

[@feilumina7621]

Thank you for the very interesting and different approach. I like how you were so real and true about emotions, and how you turned the hate into love. ❤

[@myriamtuttle]

Thank you Lord for Olivia Porter, this humanizes the suffering without giving my soul up to the toxicity I have been living with. This gives me an alternative out. Awesome and intelligent woman, I wish we could clon her and send copies of her wherever there are hearts trapped by suppression or denial

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!!! I’m so glad you benefited from my talk. Please feel free to share it with anyone you think might like it.

[@lorakdoggett]

Oh, wow. This is amazing! Thank you for this perspective..

[@juliekrol]

Can this woman be president…of the world 😂 I think I’ve never gotten over my traumas because therapy and people tried to get me to forgive and forget and that went against what was in my heart. I’m going to try this exercise. I don’t think we should ever forget, we should just let it not bother us as much and focus on things/people that deserve it.

[@oporter1452]

I’m so glad I could help!❤

[@justinb3846]

Good video and message. What I dont like about that forgiveness thing is that it’s avoiding reality. Like everything will be good if you stay positive..a naive perspective that gives a false sense of security.

[@oporter1452]

I totally agree with you. I’m glad you liked the video. Please feel free to share it. Have a great evening.

[@scottblack7182]

One of the most important and helpful ted talks I have ever seen. ❤

[@Catlady77777]

Thank you, my Queen, for pulling me out of the abyss...

[@oporter1452]

An abyss!? Wow, I'm glad I could help.

[@shanelivingston3334]

This is best Ted talk I ever had thank you

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!

[@textilechica]

This is exceptional and realistic advice!!!

[@snschannel3316]

Thank you so much Olivia. I really needed this at this point in my life. Blessings to you and keep doing the wonderful work that you're doing to help people. ❤️

[@Ikeneengameplays]

this is such a powerful advice for everyone since we all hate something but just a few can actually forgive or use that hate in a positive way, i apreciate it thank you

[@oporter1452]

I’m glad you appreciate my speech. Thank you!

[@betsyschreiber4498]

Best TEDx talk I ever listented to

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!!

[@kennyguinto1864]

At first I was concerned about the concept of harnessing hate, but after she explained it I'd love to give it a try!

[@inspirefrance5194]

This is the best video ever, so clear and effective

[@oporter1452]

Merci beaucoup! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

[@patrickmoan4086]

Thanks Olivia, I found this very helpfu.

[@LauraSmith-ue3ck]

Expecting people to forgive can enable abuse and allow social injustice to continue. We are taught from kindergarden to be fair, honest, peaceful people, so if after going through almost 2 decades of basic education at home and at school, even more in college and post graduate education ..but still some behave poorly or abhorrently, then having expectations of change is unrealistic. There are millions of people with whom one can have decent social interactions so why get stucked with people (friends, family, partners) who don't behave in a fair manner. Once someone wrongs us, trust is broken, and like a broken glass, even if repaired, it's never gonna be the same, so why not instead stay away from the wrong doer, avoid remembering their actions and focus on one's life or on building new social relations with people that had learned the value of treating others fairly.

[@unmappedinsights4787]

Much wisdom!

[@taninkamangar5862]

The most powerful speech! Thank you 🤍

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!!

[@sightinthedarktarot7807]

Yes! I said the same thing about negative emotions and Hate specifically, and so many times and people just stick their fingers in ther ears like the Vancome Lady from Mad TV. Awesome share, madam. I love the concept of that journal/affirmatation exercise, too!

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!!

[@jeeyoona]

Luvvvv this logic! Thank you for a faster way out than "Forgiveness!"

[@maureenbennett809]

I have been struggling with this for 13 years with a dentist. Thank you for your teachings, much appreciated! ❤️❤️

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome! Wow, 13 years is a long time. I hope this video brought you some much deserved peace.

[@mangoyacho]

but are there no other dentists in your area?

[@maryannwatkins7166]

Did you work for that dentist?

[@maureenbennett809]

@@maryannwatkins7166 No, I was his patient.

[@drshilpa9701]

Most important one for every mistreated personalities 🔥🔥

[@cindyhalpern3187]

She is brilliant.

[@oporter1452]

Brilliant?! Thank you!!! Lol

[@geofsearles1535]

Ms. Porter, thank you. I will keep this in mind in the future. The past year for me has been one struggle with forgiveness after another. I wish I'd had this enlightenment before then. Others will surely find power and freedom in your message.

[@oporter1452]

Geof Searles Thank you. I’m so glad my talk was helpful. I hope this year brings you nothing but love and success.

[@dianeibsen5994]

Me too Geof. How are you getting along these days. I've gone through a lot this last 3 years and it is brought up so much anger and hate and hurt.

[@brittneywilliams1309]

I truly appreciated this because growing up I was told and taught is a very strong word that you shouldn't hate and I felt like I was denying a real emotion Ann's feeling when I got older and experienced things that I would force myself to so called forgive and be told that's the only way to heal and move forward

[@oporter1452]

Yes, I think most people were taught that. Hopefully, this talk gives you a fresh perspective.

[@kurts5635]

Olivia is a one-of-a-kind person. She speaks with an understanding that is both straightforward and empathetic. Knowledgable and guiding. Great Talk Olivia. =)

[@juliapilgrim6074]

Olivia thank you! I think maybe what you are saying has me feeling that hate and forgiveness and its companion love are not really so opposed to one another because you are talking about taking the focus off of an individual someone might have been trying to forgive and putting the hatred instead onto circumstances that have been bought about by that person, such as being a in hospital and not being healthy as the victim of violence. In this way the perpetrator becomes beside the point. I can see that there are merits for forgiveness as well, as featured in another inspiring talk by Sarah Montana. Thank you again for being so supportive to me and to many. I think a better word for what I seek would be compassion, but words have limitations too.

[@joshsblee]

Tbh i thought it was going to be a different kind of talk.. I remember doing an exercise my sister recommended that she learned from her therapist which was to write down the reasons why I hated my father, who was the villain in my life. In doing so, I noticed a pattern: The reasons why I hated my father were because he violated the things I held dear to my heart. Then I had the brilliant idea to write down what I loved about him too.. While I couldn't find too many reasons, the few things I wrote sort of humanized him. I still hate him though because he hasn't changed one bit. Thanks for justifying my hatred.

[@johnbaker5717]

Enlightening and inspiring. Thank you.

[@harrypreckwinkle6316]

This talk really made me think. Thanks, Olivia!

[@carlaa.k6763]

This just healed me 🙌

[@FAITHandLOGIC]

Depends on the circumstances. Sometimes forgiveness is not justified.

[@Justadudeman22]

Forgiveness with apology is always justified.

[@Moszan]

@@Justadudeman22 Not if that apology is halfassed.

[@NadiaStAmand]

i hate being hazed at work because i love my job: makes so much sense! xoxo

[@therealdeal3672]

Awesome, inspirational, original, brilliant! Thank you!!

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome!!

[@tracybianco7511]

Love your message, Olivia!

[@ladyjusticesusan]

This is amazing. I love it.

[@danturner1331]

That is a great thing. It's up there with the best stuff I've ever heard. I think I have the answer now. thanks.

[@oporter1452]

You are very welcome!

[@moolalchemy]

Love motivates me to forgive . After many years I confronted my abuser and saw the wound they carried . In that moment it became so easy to forgive .

[@scottblack7182]

No 😅 thats what grifters say in order to make people feel guilty for not forgiving. Again no one is ever owed forgiveness. Sure it's a nice thought but it never heals the victim and tends to only empower abusers. You can forgive someone who's mind is completely broken because they are insane. That's a totally different story. But the pathological abuser who knew exactly what they were doing was wrong? No no kiddo, we should never forgive those types. It won't help you or them in the long run. IDC if you have an "emotional scar" . That never gives you the right to deliberately harm others .

[@scottblack7182]

Only the insane or brain damaged can and or should be forgiven..and they still aint owed it 😅.

[@arletemachadodalmolin5693]

Amazing and wonderful!

[@violeta3425]

What a change of perspective! 💜🙏🏻

[@oporter1452]

I’m glad you appreciate it!

[@denisdenak]

@@oporter1452 finally someone who actually makes sense.

[@InGodITrust-u2c]

That was so good I nearly cried

[@avasalvatore1643]

This is outstanding

[@oporter1452]

Thank you very much!!

[@megnemo6403]

I was always told as a kid that hate is wishing someone was dead

[@karenquehl6869]

Thank you!!! Just the message I needed.

[@oporter1452]

You are so welcome! I’m glad I could help you.

[@tttman4385]

Had a big discussion with my x while back this backs up what i was telling her 100%

[@dusanblagojevic4430]

watched it like five times already! I really needed to hear this.. thanks

[@oporter1452]

I’m glad I could help you. God bless you!

[@dusanblagojevic4430]

@@oporter1452 keep it up! I'm going to come back to this.. lots of love from Holland!

[@oporter1452]

@@dusanblagojevic4430 Dank je! Please feel free to share my talk with your friends.

[@Euphoric22]

i love this!!!!!!!!

[@hmmhmmhmm3]

BRILLIANT!

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!!

[@ivadedeva7005]

I PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN!

[@carlarynbeek6510]

Powerful...Thank you!

[@SED8official]

Thank you so much for this. This was much needed. I'm so thankful I came across this video. 💗

[@oporter1452]

I'm glad the video helped you. BTW, I love your KZbin channel - very cool and thought-provoking.

[@RazvanDaba]

Wow, what a refeaming. Thanks!

[@deaundramoon5042]

Kate focused on her self only. Great exercise. Keep focus on what YOU love! Whew!

[@cheesygobblens]

Definitely surprised me

[@DonaldDork]

Thank you.

[@AkshayDakhane]

This saved me!

[@oporter1452]

That's great to hear! Thank you listening to my talk and much luck and success to you.

[@emanon2794]

This video is the reason I'm doing anything today and any other day going forward. God bless you! She used to attack me when I hid in the bathroom. She broke the cheap door down and choked me in the shower and broke the shower door. I cried when I heard Depps story, it was to real to me.

[@DaoNguyen-vp7ki]

very insightful. i found this talk much more effective than others I've viewed. thank you Olivia.

[@oporter1452]

Thank you!

[@perla15NO]

Thank you !

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome! I hope it helped you in some way.

[@hugojj101]

nice, So obvious really. Thank you.

[@hilaryquinlan837]

Thank you

[@georgianabodoiu59]

The more you forgive the more they walk all over you and disrespect you

[@Jessica-jt7ul]

Thank you so so much. Thank you.

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome! Thank you for viewing it.

[@aadyakapoor2583]

loved it

[@alanabeaumont2650]

Thank you for this.

[@oporter1452]

You’re welcome!🙏🏽

[@FarieFly]

I love you Thank you

[@TLowCTI]

Awesome video

[@cheaptrickfan]

Absolutely spot on! Wonderful talk.

[@andreyk3036]

Bulshit

[@susiesa8295]

i can not forgive or even want to. there is a few people who know i hate them i can not have peace in my life cause of their evilness!

[@jennifercoolidgeislife6760]

Omg glad to know the techniques don’t work. I’m tired of trying to forgive my ex. I might as well hate him and stay motivated.

[@oporter1452]

Nothing is “one size fits all”. Do what works for you and honor your emotions.

[@jennifercoolidgeislife6760]

@@oporter1452 thank you for replying and great advice !!

[@jackieade6599]

Yup! Turn that hatred into a positive direction 🤣🥰😇!

[@MsGorella]

Well, put. Excellent advice.

[@dialedin5875]

Horrible advice to ignore the self grown hatred in your own communities for white Americans and this nation

[@kameishalaneise6541]

Beautiful 🥰💕❤️💛

[@pamelaobrien4840]

Authentic and practical. The best thing I have heard or read on the subject! Brilliant.

[@oporter1452]

Pamela O'Brien Thank you very much! “Practical“ is a good word for what I believe. Please share my talk with your friends.

[@dianeibsen5994]

Thank you so much for sharing this. You're such a beautiful woman. I am having a hard time finding a way to deal with all the hate, dicust and hurt that comes up. I hate forgiveness and I hate that ppl say that it's for you. Its ironic that you're already having a lot of feelings of hate. then you have the other feeling of hate..people telling you that this is supposed to work when it doesn't work for everyone. I will try the writing exercise. Did you come up with this idea yourself? I could use some help I wrote a statement I hate my dad because he's self-centered I hate my dad because he's cruel, mean and disgustingly weak. do I make these all individual statements? and then how do I change them statements?

[@oporter1452]

@Diane Ibsen Thank you for viewing my talk. Please feel free to share it. I was suggest making the statements a more specific. For example, what specifically did he do to demonstrate his cruelty or meanness? I would start off with no more than three of his most egregious acts then turn those into hate/love statements. Let me know if that helps.

[@Misssixty510]

Beautiful ♥️

[@oporter1452]

Misssixty510 Thank you!

[@minanikki15]

This is the kind of 3am thoughts people should have. 😉 (yup watching this at 3am in my country)

[@oporter1452]

Are you in Asia?

[@minanikki15]

@@oporter1452 Yesss ☺️☺️

[@oporter1452]

Hello, friend! I hope you liked it. The premise of my talk has kept me awake at 3am many times. :)

[@MA-bm2qs]

I pray God to give you courage and strength.

[@toriblancoreyes3331]

Forgiving someone who hurts u so bad is not easy, but I chose to forgive to give peace for myself and let my heart free of anger then move on. But I can't forgive my ex husband even I wanted to that's why I search for some opinions that brought me here. Enlighten me a little but will work on it. Thank u so much❤❤❤

[@candid.303]

Wow.

[@KarmicWealth]

Thanks for being different....

[@BlackWingedSeraphX]

Forgiveness is naive.

[@brittneywilliams1309]

I can't even count how many times I've watched and listened to this video... so thankful for this perspective and explanation because this truly resonates with me more than anything especially being taught the typical love your enemy bs and forgiveness is the key to healing and expanding your love... nope nope nope

[@TxHoneyBee]

'Love your enemy' is one of the most harmful things to come out of religion, and I say this as a church-going Christian. Some things our body simply understands far better than these 'spiritual authorities'. Hate can keep you protected and inspired to make action to defend what you love, just as Olivia described with the movement and reasoning activation in the brain. I really appreciate the way she explained that.

[@theresagirlinthecorner8392]

Wow yes

[@sofiahassan7568]

I agree with you do what you Love Thank you !

[@kathyfann]

I live a happy life forgiving everyone who has harmed me not for their sake so much because they rarely even know it but for my sake I can laugh I can have fun I can be free because I don’t hold anything against anyone and it sets me free

[@tristan583]

Forgive and forget is such a nonsensical thing to say

[@rosie6]

Lmaooo I love this ngl