Why We Don't Change (and What You Can Do About It) | Being Well Podcast

Even after spending the last five years submerging myself in psychology, self-help, and personal growth content, some things have been very hard to change. It surprises me that, even after learning so much, I can still feel like I’m still pushing the same old rocks up the same old hills. On today’s episode I’m joined by Dr. Rick Hanson to explore why we struggle to change for the better, how much change is realistically possible, what makes lasting change hard, the hidden barriers to real change, and how we can keep growing.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
3:50 Why do you want to change?
4:45 Four fundamental strategies
6:55 Three common issues
9:20 Effort, skillfulness, and luck
12:55 People’s autonomy about whether they want to change or not
14:15 “Tailwinds” to help yourself
18:00 Secondary gains, avoiding change, and naming payoffs and costs
24:50 Levity and affection for yourself
27:10 Starting by owning that we choose our behavior
30:30 Resistance and the parts of us that don’t want to change
34:35 Framing, starting with benefits, and absolving shame
40:35 Tactics vs. Strategies
43:20 Celebrating small change, aiming for big healing
47:55 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@galpalsal]

I've been "submerging" myself in psychology since the Seventies. It's a lifelong pursuit. You two are great together.

[@risika]

I was listening to another podcast that said, “it’s important to live life by design rather than emotion. Basically, sticking to a routine is what allows us to be the healthiest version of ourselves (especially when you're fighting these demons ex. OCD for me). In my healing journey - I’ve had to overhaul how I approach change/my habits by practising mediocre consistency. Now I try to put in consistent 50-60% effort into my habits (ex. journaling/working out) - to make sure I do it I began recording it and posting it on my youtube channel. Because historically I have a habit of going too hard, not being able to sustain the Herculean effort, giving up and hating myself. So now I’m trying to give a small-ish, consistent mediocre effort everyday. And its crazy how it adds up, and its crazy how much better I’m able to handle the bad days when anxiety is trying to take over.

[@sunnyadams5842]

WoW!! Just reading that, I felt a sense of having gotten permission to relax my Perfection Principle. My blood pressure must have gone down 20 points. Thanks 💜

[@ForrestHanson]

Love this.

[@jenniferblakemore4150]

😅p

[@karinturkington2455]

Congratulations on 5 years! I just discovered your chanel within the last month. I could have used these podcasts years ago. It's lovely to see a father and son communicate with such mutual respect and love. That, in itself, demonstrates how healthy people speak to one another, quite a foreign concept for me until now.

[@axisludi]

guys, I really appreciate your podcast, I love the dynamic between you two, the exchange of opinions and also what I'm getting from it.

[@Sweetieee]

Is it weird that you & your dad bring me comfort? You’re both so softly spoken & sweet

[@richardwburrill9247]

No, it's a good sign. imo. Good vibes from them make us feel better..

[@complexlittlepirate3589]

44.30 - thanks for this. I'm glad you didn't edit it out. Life is too unbelievable a gift to play small with. I often wrestle with despair about being nearly 56 years old and having held myself back tthrough all kinds of avoidance from the unbounded potnetial i know is all around and inside us. But I want to let go of that struggle, stop looking at the bars of the cage, and instead focus on the wide open door ready for me to walk through. This advice given at this point in the conversation is a real pointer to that open door.

[@SteveBurksMusic]

Congratulations on 5 years! Beautiful work.

[@ForrestHanson]

Thanks Steve, always appreciate your comments.

[@SteveBurksMusic]

@@ForrestHanson Yes sir!

[@avakennedy3519]

I’ve just discovered this KZbin channel, and I’m enjoying listening every day. Today’s topic is perfect. Thanks so much- I’m adding this to my life this new year.

[@saraw112]

What a treasure this program is!! Thank you both!! ❤

[@kittymeow1113]

I really love witnessing the two of you together, having these deep conversations. It is fulfilling for my psyche in ways I can't explain. Thank you for sharing your energy, synergy, depth, wisdome and presence.

[@tylertodd2701]

The homies out here really providing free therapy. Much love to you, your father and your guests I really appreciate your work in coming to deal with my avoidance and all kinds of life things

[@sleepyjoeatemyiceacream]

You and your dad are brilliant. Thank you so much for this!

[@dixie6407]

This was just extraordinary! You guys are so inspiring and affirming! At this point in my life, nearly 70, it has become obvious to me that I am literally called to transformation in spite of all the obstacles, or gifts, life has presented me since the moment of my birth or maybe even conception. I use many tools and sometimes feel a bit "flakey" but I stick with my commitment to progress and so I make progress. Intricate and intimate self reflection and introspection are my dearest friends. There is nothing scary in here anymore, only opportunities to transform. I love that you give examples for each thing you present. And that you use yourselves and your own transformation as a light to brighten the path. Hugs to you both!

[@laurendiane]

“Are you called or Driven?” Thank you for that, it’s something for me to remember. I like to write down quotes that change my life. In exchange, I’ll leave you this quote from my spiritual journey, after you said, “we don’t get to choose our tendencies.” “God, life, universe: We put you down on earth and this is your identity. Your ego. We give you this life. This is where you were born and now we watch you with the life that you live. What are you gonna do with the life that you have now and everything that changes? As children, we depend on our parents to create this change for us because we can’t just walk outside of the door and change our lives. It’s almost like the whole simulation we live in is the test itself. Even our family is a test in itself. None of it can be personal. To put it more practically, it’s like God, universe, life gives you a ton of presents nicely wrapped or just regularly wrapped. It really all depends on your childhood looking back now and how you were born. Were you in poverty? Or did you live nicely? Or were you middle class? How would these presents be wrapped? And so you open it because that is your identity, your ego. That’s just you, You’re supposed to open these presents. Now, you’re grown up after you’ve opened these presents. Now you’re looking at everything in these presents and life, God, universe is asking you, “Do you wanna keep this? Do you deserve this?”

[@dorishaus400]

Congratulations on 5 years! Thanks for helping me get the dishes done a little every day!! ❤

[@mariamas.3312]

This episode deeply resonates with me. Thank you so much! 🙏🩵

[@veroniqueful1]

I love you Forrest. I enjoy so much your podcasts ! They are my favourite. Thank you.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I’m so glad I found this channel. Perfect timing as the new year begins!🎉

[@correodeklau7]

Please, Forrest, do you mind sharing what you studied and what you do for a living? One of my dear nephews is 34 years old and a little stuck in his life. I'm looking for how other young people manage. Thank you for your lovely work in this podcast! ❤️

[@Leafygreen123]

Happy Anniversary and Happy New Year! Love your podcast ! 🎉❤

[@matthew9488]

what an outstanding conversation! so simple and yet so deeply true. thanks both.

[@caterinaguzman1666]

Thank you both for bringing all these "part of being human" topics to social media in such a clear and caring way. This episode remind me of the importance of motivation...the fuel for changing habits.

[@plantsfromheavenbotanicala4792]

Thank you for the honesty and the insightful information. When your videos finish I always feel disappointed because I have that feeling of wanting more and more. Your podcast is AMAZING 🎊 TRULY GRATEFUL FOR HELPING ME CHANGE IN POSITIVE WAYS 🙏God bless you !

[@marjcsb8672]

This father son team is a gift to the world. Two articulate individuals both intentionally serving to change, generational tendencies, visited upon ourselves by our sometimes unaware parents, grandparents, caretakers, and even our ancestral DNA. Thank you for your wonderful podcast, and for all your efforts, candid conversation, and frank vulnerability between two professionals who are related as father and son. One of the takeaways for me, is the way that the son was reminded by his father in a polite way, that he was perhaps a little “lazy”?. I’m the same way. And how the son suggested that the benefit of that perhaps is that he has become more efficient. Either way though …the magnificent gift is that he may be experiencing more joy in his life because his father has worked on healing the past generation as well. I myself thank my son for putting up with me and I wonder how he turned out to be the wonderful person that he is we want our children to be happier than we are, more successful than we are, and have a more wonderful life, and we want them to stand on our shoulders. The amazing thing is that both you, father and son, are highly intellectual, highly articulate, and express vulnerabilities to each other in a wonderfully communicative way. I am trying to change my life inch by inch and your “four trade winds” are what I will put in my journal to focus on in the next year. Thank you for your wonderful work and inspiring my day, and my hope that I too will heal in this lifetime. Please keep going for another 5 years!!! We appreciate you! Namaste

[@sunnyadams5842]

It's the synergy between the helper and helpee that makes alot of the difference, for one thing.

[@jehnnakeshishian2222]

Thank you. I am so grateful I stumbled across your podcast.

[@awakening383]

This is such an important topic, and is habitually underserved. Thank you so much for shining light on something that so many of us struggle with every day.

[@alexsandramunro]

gosh I appreciate you guys can't do everything.. but I would love to be able to do the courses live, so I can ask annoying questions! ;) from Adelaide, Australia :) that said, you have already helped me so much. Planets have aligned... it's really time.. Thankyou!

[@attheranch873]

I’m loving the depth of these conversations. Subscribed.🌷

[@lisas.1002]

This feels groundbreaking. Love your podcast, love your chemistry.

[@dwai963]

Great podcast! Really glad I found this channel, thank you ❤️

[@calexprenas]

Fantastic episode! Thank you

[@joannamgodwin3072]

Congrats on a fabulous podcast!!!! Keep it going

[@pamelahunter8591]

Excellent guys! Positive and informative suggestions. Thoroughly enjoy the interconnection you have with each other and giving personal examples for everyone to assimilate with ~ thank you!

[@karenr5870]

Beautiful episode!

[@hortensemason4073]

Great thoughts.

[@richardwburrill9247]

Finding the good in our defenses etc reminds me of the A = affirming and acknowledging our unpleasant emotions in TEAM-CBT with Thai An

[@destinyforreal9744]

So smart the father is so smart

[@TeddieBuddhaBear]

Congrats!!!

[@tinanadzan1320]

I have only recently started listening to y’all on a somewhat regular basis. The back and forth dialogue is engaging, the personal sharing and openness helpful, and level of knowledge and understanding between two of you is huge. Y’all have brought up several very topics/issues that hit home for me. I have a question about one of these issues brought up today. Forrest, I also struggle with having and needing to carry out certain tasks in pretty rigid ways. In part, I believe, to my anxiety and disorganization. I wonder if you might do a podcast on how you are managing this tendency? I cannot figure out how function in an effective manner without being rigid. I’m sure my tendency/behavior impacts close relationships and co-workers in not so positive ways.

[@ForrestHanson]

Really interesting, will add that to the "good ideas for episodes" running doc.

[@barbaracasler1858]

First, the positive…I always enjoy and get benefit from these episodes. Thank you! Today, for the first time, one of your commercial breaks was unsettling. “Type three diabetes” with a lot of hype and promise that , if I just keep listening, I’m going to learn the secret of how to avoid dementia. It was too sensationalistic and didn’t fit in at all with the great vibe of your podcast. Thanks for “listening “.

[@ForrestHanson]

That sounds incredibly annoying. Unfortunately we have no control over the content of KZbin's ads, we can only influence placement.

[@desireswithhope]

Want to avoid ads, buy KZbin premium. Too bad that even in the midst of meditation by Dr Rick, the ads related to silly products drops in between and break the meditation link. I don’t mind ads in start of video but in the midst of it is so uncomfortable. I know Rick and Forest have no control of KZbin ads. But we make the best of it and expect the ads so it’s not too unsettling when it comes.

[@chrispasson1940]

@@desireswithhope good to know

[@analusouza]

REAlly got me thinking a lot about the decisions I had made, adn some I am actually right now thinking about it! Deciding how those would fit in my life!! Thanks!!!

[@finsterthecat]

The therapist relationship got me wanting to listen to this podcast. Last night my therapist told me I should take up an instrument and I was sort of dumbfounded. Does she not get I broke my hand and unfortunately developed Regional pain syndrome. I can’t bend my fingers of my dominant right hand. So I listen wondering if I had a stuck mental attitude.

[@Sweetieee]

I have a short attention span & I think I have ADHD & this is the only podcast I can sit through & listen to while doing stuff without switching it off

[@ForrestHanson]

That means a lot to me!

[@sarahkercheval8964]

I would love to see more dating vids from you and your dad pls 😊 like how do you date someone who is healthy and not your norm that you are used to dating ? How should it feel. What should jt look like etc etc ❤

[@TallulahGuard]

This is something I've had to figure out!! I've found it's so much scarier to like someone who is actually emotionally available - because that means it could actually happen! And then you have to learn to be emotionally available in return... 😭

[@sarahkercheval8964]

@@TallulahGuard I totally agree!! I am never sure if I start to pull back because of fear or because I am not actually as into them as I thought I originally was because I learn more about them. But subconsciously I now worry that I’m being unnecessarily picky because I’m scared to jump into something only to have them dump me and then I’ll be so hurt. 😢 seems like way too many guys want the ideal of commitment but end up only doing hookups because they’re so unsure about everything but then don’t talk about it. Lol

[@ForrestHanson]

Great topic, will file it away.

[@gwendolynmurphy9563]

I love these guys! I also listen to Roger Castillo ("Being Lived") who asks a variation on change: "What am I really looking for?" Might it be peace of mind in daily living?

[@larkin2890]

[@katherineelizabethco]

Entering this world I have been hard wired to be highly sensitive to my environment. As a consequence I’ve become an introvert consciously limiting my exposure to being alive.

[@IrishMexican]

Positive reframing. Sounds like something from the book Feeling Great by David Burns.

[@destinyforreal9744]

Is your Dad married?

[@ForrestHanson]

Happily to my mom for many years!