Gabor Maté - Authenticity vs. Attachment

CRAZYWISE Conversations: Gabor Maté - Authenticity vs. Attachment
Gabor Maté, M.D. takes a special interest in early childhood trauma and the potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health. Here he discusses the conflict children and adults often face staying true to their authenticity while potentially jeopardizing their important relationships.
Dr. Maté’s approach to addiction focuses on the trauma his patients have suffered and attempts to address this in their recovery. His book In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts discusses the types of trauma experienced by those suffering from addiction and how this affects their decision-making later in life.
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[@rhinoragni8349]

Loss of relationships is often the cost of authenticity. That’s why courage is such a huge part of standing in your truth.

[@sirsirensong]

Many of which are not worth keeping because they only reinforce the false self. In some respects they were not really "our" friends/partners so on, because we were never truly in the equation. I've left behind so much BS and finally feel real, heard and seen for who I really am / what I really think. Not everyone will like it, some will. But the more you stand up for yourself, the less you'll give a *#@&*#. The future is full of opportunity; nothing is over, show up as you are. Especially if you're younger.

[@julianfischer1485]

Well said Rhino. Courage.

[@suesjoy]

And sometimes we need to break away from our parents, if they are inflicting pain and not loving unconditionally. That’s impossible for so many, but sometimes it may be the only thing that saves us.

[@Ivyboma]

I totally agree @Rhino. Only in retrospect most of these relationships we have with people who cannot stand us being our authentic self have some measure of toxicity, regardless of how close or attached we are to them. When a person feels threaten with the authentic you it means he or she is comfortable with the mediocre version of you.

[@yehehe98]

@@sirsirensong wow! That is so true!

[@traceybyrne1690]

I love how Gabor uses his own personal failings with full acceptance of his timely ignorance yet he does this with self respect.

[@lifeslessons9889]

I absolutely agree ... big enough and experienced enough to give the personal lesson . I admire that so much . I enjoy listening to him so much ...I’d love to be treated/healed by this extraordinary man .

[@ahnrho]

Honesty, the ability to reflect on oneself, and admit their own shortcomings, are among the important character traits I find admirable and should be taught from generation to the next. Gabor Mate, personally speaking, is I find an amazing example of this kind of person. He's not perfect, and he doesn't have to be; Just be candid and honest enough to communicate your mistakes so that others and yourself won't repeat them in the future.

[@anjaknatz7157]

I am a Family counselor - and the first thing I try to train young parents is to be abel to allow the child to grow into autenticity rather than dependency.

[@notmyrealpseudonym6702]

Isn't the fact that you train them a form of dependency though? Isnt it more the type of dependency? Isnt In - dependent just as wrong as co-dependent if we, as mammals and primates, are inter- dependent?

[@tarnopol]

"But I had kids in order to encourage dependency on me because I'm afraid they won't ever just love me without some form of coercion! Why do you want me to feel badly about myself?" Just a little black humor to I hope brighten a family counselor's day. Thanks for doing that work!

[@lechat8533]

@John Hillman Teaching.

[@martymasters1894]

Training??? You are guidingthem make no mistake you are not living up to your potential get out of your head and into your heart

[@anjaknatz7157]

@@martymasters1894 The Heart, the Head, the Hand - Feeling, Will, Action - it is all needed to be balanced.

[@TakeBackYourMind997]

This is why inner child work is so important! So many adults look back on their childhood and miss all of these key moments of rejection because they view it through the eyes of an adult. They think "well that wouldn't bother me I know my parents meant well"...but did your child brain know that at the time? You have to view it from a child's perspective.

[@traceuse13]

how do you help your child brain understand that? That's what I'm struggling with. Back then I simply wasn't capable of understanding why my parents would do what they did.

[@remotefaith]

View it from a child like perspective and then what? You aren’t actually offering a solution or practical framework for recovery

[@traceuse13]

@@remotefaith I think what lots of people do is they do a meditation where they go talk to their child self and hear what the child is saying, and they become the adult that gives their child self what it needed. It can be helpful for a lot of people.

[@lostredsock6989]

@@traceuse13 in circumstances where the actions of the primary caregivers are contrary to your own values, to how you have evolved - and children do have an innate sense of fairness, what is right and what is wrong - absorbed from the collective (eg school) - the Inner Child psyche will resist "understanding" as it feels too much like normalizing what had happened.

[@traceuse13]

@@lostredsock6989 I can't really argue with that. But my therapist has found a way to explain things that helped me anyway. I wish I had an answer other than "get therapy" but that's what I can say

[@semasariyildiz4346]

This is actually the core of childhood programming and the lifelong struggle of many of us. Great video!

[@camogrrl]

Sema Sariyildiz not the core. Try classic conditioning as the core

[@sos1474]

Yep!

[@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje]

Also the reason why jesus left attachment to his family to do all that he did, including maria. If everyone does it, no one will be sacrificed..

[@franciehartsog1347]

Does anyone have an opinion about parental alienation vs attachment? If a child is kept away from one parent the child will have attachment problems. And ain’t nobody got time for that!

[@aaronglanville8430]

How do we repair this as adults?

[@cassiecasper8560]

My father was amazing at allowing me to express my authenticity, my mother not so much. My mother tried so hard to cram me into her perfect mold of what she thought I should be and it caused me to grow up to be a very confused adult, half comfortable with my true self, and half not. So when I got in a relationship and tried to express my true self, expecting a reaction of openness like my father's, and instead got forced into another mold...it was a shock. It took me years to get out of that, and I'm just learning to get back in touch with my authenticity. It's so hard, and I'm still afraid of people trying to force me into a mold even though I know I can leave them and be alright on my own...I just want a partner who isn't afraid of the real me. But I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm fully ready to be alone if that's what it takes to be able to express my true self.

[@jeremiet2739]

캐시 캐스퍼Cassie Casper that’s good that you are aware of that though! Most people are not so they stay in dysfunctional relationships..perhaps it’s better to be alone to be your true self, at least for a while and then the right person will come along for you..wish you all the best!

[@melmeyer0]

캐시 캐스퍼Cassie Casper I completely understand you. After years of losing myself in codependent relationships, I decided to stay single until I know how to be strong in myself, and not let my partners change me. Almost 2 years going strong ✊🏼. I’ve had all sorts of eye opening experiences while being single. I admit that I’m scared of being sucked into a "mold" again, and I’m committed to discovering what truly makes my soul happy. I salute you for being committed to being authentic!! I really feel the world needs more authenticity, and not more replicas.

[@UARELOVE1010]

@@Kwall75 You can start with having an open and honest conversation with your wife about what is truly best for your son.

[@unnursturlaugsdottir8215]

I had a father like that who really taught me, told me and showed me that I should, could and have the right, duty and absolute right to be true to myself. My mother was a disapproving background noise. I was never as I should be according to her. I never took her as someone who had anything of any value to tell me or any knowledge or opinion. I think she meant well and loved me as much as she could love. I regarded her as a blabbering nonsensical lunatic but a benign one. Well she was a non malignant covert narcissist. That is not without it´s positive effects (negative too but thats just something you can deal with, grow from and learn from. Personal growth only comes from pain and only if you do the work) I am very factual, knowledgable, extremely reality obejectively nerdy. Nobody will alternate what reality is or change the truth, facts or tell my any crap is real or true if it does not stand upto any anylytical reasoning, knowledge, ethical or moral core attitudes etc. I am defiant as a frame of mind regarding who I should be, have to be, must be , do, think etc. I am independent and really do not cater my life and who I am to fit in or not fit in. As my grown son told my when a close family member who really does not approve of me (like I am here for approval from others as a basis on how i live my life) and I have no issues with with regarding how that person as I phrased in that conversation wants to be firmly in the box and life live as being as socially normative as can be. My son said to me after I remarked that that was that person thing and even if I did not understand it I respect that other people are not nor should they be, think or act like me. Mom he said not only are you not trying to fit in the box you do not accept the existence of there is any box to begin with. We as humans are great because we are unique but only if we respect and feel our shared humanity.I am free to do anything without causing damage to others or to quote J.S. Mills My freedom is unnfettered until it goes against or hinders the freedom of another human. I am as important as everyone else. At last this quote from Kurt Cobain: I will rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. If I am not who I am in my life here then whats the point?

[@evelynbaron2004]

Similar story; my mum was a holocaust survivor who profoundly distrusted authority and was searching for shelter from the storm, which she found in my Dad -- and her strictures belonged also to a cultural moment. What I like to remember about her was that she rescued wild animals and had a wicked sense of humour which to this day I treasure. By contrast my Dad and I would both cry through movies; I never felt like a 'girl' growing up because I don't think he thought about it so yes like you I expected a similar response from other people and learned the hard way that was not going to happen. Exile from Eden:) There came a moment at Uni where a prof I admired got tired of me waving my hand around (yes, show-off) and stopped the entire class to tell me off; "young lady you will learn as you go through life that you will pass exams earn a living etc. but remember that discretion is the better part of valour and at any moment you could be shot down". Silence. Could have left the course but didn't -- ended up a friend. Glad I stayed. Tx for your post, really could relate!!!!

[@mtmessmer]

This is absolutely true. I worry that if I am authentic I will be abandoned. It literally feels like authenticity = death

[@ameliagentle7873]

I used to be so afraid of this, but I'm choosing my authenticity!!!!

[@aeroslimatic]

It's a good time to choose love over fear

[@piehound]

Excellent. This is the first time (in 72 years on Earth) i've heard this conflict expressed so clearly and in such a simple and understandable way. Thank you.

[@lialialia9647]

If I ever told my mum that, she’d immediately emotionally manipulate me into feeling how wrong I am. God forbid I accuse her of doing anything wrong. I can’t even imagine what a conscious parent would be like. Whoever has one, you are beyond fortunate

[@bingoandtoto]

Not that many people are fortunate, I suppose.

[@mau345]

My mom was like yours… but to be honest she changed through time, more wise humble and self reflective. Sometimes, although up to your comfort as well, you can understand your parent’s inner child as well

[@Bar57bara]

In a few short sentences this guy sums up what is probably the most important message of our time. Brilliant.

[@JayHubbell]

From my earliest time as an infant I understood my sense of self was not dependent on my parents values. But I understood that my literal survival was dependent on physical attachment to my predicament of parental dependency. I spent much time wandering alone in the woods at the back end of the family farm where I pondered in fascination my immersion in the spirituality of the natural world as opposed to the structured life of farming and organized religion. I adjudged that I would have to bide my time and go thru the motions of parental attachment until I was prepared for my time of liberation. As a very young child I constructed a shelter of bark, leaves, dry grass, and tree branches but I realized that while that would protect me from the inclimate weather for the short term it did not give me a strategy to provision my nourishment for long term survival. My subversion strategy consisted of reading encyclopedias, National Geographics, and drawing elaborate scroll like scenes of, feudal castle sieges, and modern military conflicts as if that would expiate the conflict I had within my psyche to avoid overt hostile expression that might cause me to provoke retaliatory physical harm. In other words, I chose to not resist my captivity.

[@dreamingrightnow1174]

Gabor Mate is a beautiful human. He was fabulous on Russel Brand too.

[@bodinewaterfire5744]

I love him - he speaks to my soul and my inner child.

[@evelynbaron2004]

Russell Brand - I love people who never stop learning, as a francophone I would add the actor Depardieu -- in France we're obsessed with books and his reading as is the case with R Brand is wide-ranging but you know celebrity has its own parameters so bravo both individuals yes I also saw that conversation, was the sort of real exchange that doesn't often happen, best wishes!

[@evelynbaron2004]

@John Hillman Yes, his exhibitionism was off-putting but a lot of people don't try to change which is my point of view.

[@susanrichard1653]

@@evelynbaron2004his privacy rights were in violation and this is a criminal offence

[@ivonnelopez8203]

He’s so on IT! This is why society is messed up. This is why social media is consuming everyone.

[@evelynbaron2004]

Oy Ivonne don't get me started on social media. Hope you are safe and well during Covid 19!

[@susanrichard1653]

Social media prevents human contact, this is its greatest fallback. We are becoming increasingly isolated and depressed by reliance on a hand held device. Insane way to waste your time.

[@cherp5837]

Its sad that even he wasnt aware. For him its a change too.

[@Tehui1974]

I watch a lot of crap on youtube, but this video has to be one of the most profound I've come across.

[@tiamaria64]

It's really sad that for many of us trusting in ourselves and accepting who we are is such a fearful thing to do. I was lost for a long time trying to be the good wife, friend, daughter, mother and work colleague. One day I realised I didn't actually know who I was anymore. I was acting out roles to make others happy, waiting always for approval. Truth was it had to come from within. It's been a testing journey but I'm no longer anxious what others think or even say about me. I speak my own mind, I can accept feedback and I know when to genuinely say sorry rather than it being a word that was forever falling out if my mouth. I'm no longer acting out my life, I'm now living it. It's not all thrills and excitement but it's peaceful and I find joy in many of the little things in life. So much more precious...

[@RebelHippyProductions]

Im so happy for you, thank you for sharing so encouraging

[@krisscanlon4051]

I completely see what you mean! Good for you! that's my point I don't know who I am now and I did so many maladaptive things just to escape it. Now the worst of that is over and I'm left with the void. The looming question who am I?

[@noelruiz3526]

thank you for sharing. I can relate to this and am trying to fix it

[@suesjoy]

That’s wonderful! I’m the same way now, too! It took me SO long to Be my authentic self. I’m 57 now, a wife and mom of one beautiful, authentic daughter. I feel good. I’m a recovering alcoholic and pot head, and I love being sober! I no longer have to numb myself from pain or run away from life/ I embrace it- all of it. ❤️

[@lovetoread9042]

@@suesjoy so happy for you!

[@Inkinthegrass]

Can't smash the like button hard enough

[@jggrimm]

well said, Ashengrist

[@sharonmccauley4010]

That it the most authentic sentence I've read in 20 years. Brilliant words👏

[@catherinewilson1079]

In other words, we have never been unconditionally LOVED❤️‍🩹

[@christinacatalano]

what sucks about authenticity is you see others appreciate your authentic self but they don’t know what to do with it. they roll with those avoidant issues instead, so I have a lot of people loving themselves and our time together, but being unsure of how to to fit me in their lives. A lot of inconsistency, and what I once thought of as narcissistic abuse, I’ll allow some back. I enjoy myself too, with some- and how great it is to spend a few hours with someone safe to be themselves.

[@NataliaGurdian]

1:19 : "Authenticity is the capacity of know what we feel, to be in touch with our bodies and to be able to express who we are and manifest who we are in our activities and in our relationships" 2:48 "If I give up my attachment for the sake of authenticity I loose my relationships on which my life depends therefore there is not question, what it becomes repressed is our authenticity, our emotions. We become twenty five, and thirty, forty and we don't know who we are" 3:52 "It all begins with this tragic conflict that all children should never be confronted with but are all the time between authenticity in one hand and attachment on the other and even as adults so many people are suffering because they want to be themselves but they are afraid to be because they know or at least they fear that if they let themselves be they are going to loose important attachment relationships in their life"

[@earlsgirl5210]

I gave up my authenticity as a young child but didn't get the attachment after all, so lose/lose. Woohoo! Double trouble! Still trying to sort it all out at 63 and feeling no nearer, but Dr. Maté's work looks like it may help. I would also suggest Patrick Teahan, who does a lot of work on childhood trauma/CPTSD.

[@theohuioiesin6519]

My gut tells me this is true.

[@nomudnolotus4410]

Mine doesnt, damn you parents. Who am I?

[@Soapygeri]

OH My GOD! Gabor just spelled out my core life's issue I am barely just figuring it out. used to beat me up inside for being like this. now I'm starting to cry.

[@expressyourselfwithradka]

It only can get better from here. :) Time to go explore who you are.

[@jannycakes]

Just watched this in my EMDR training and it cut a little too deep!

[@ultimatestubby9778]

I feel like.. i built this crazy network of people that mattered entirely to me all the time. over the years they have died and moved and gone away or lost their ways etc. and I find myself alone and no long have 30 years of these attachments... and i am lost now, unable to parent, or even care for myself, so i tried to CARE about myself, and a month later im more terrorfied that i have ever been

[@DaveE99]

I love how he takes stock how this played out in his life and a parent.

[@thoughtsontravelandlife]

It's comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle, and that it is in fact, part of the human experience.

[@remotefaith]

Is that comforting? It’s the opposite for me

[@machoboyrandyandsavage3439]

Societal systems force people to sacrifice their authenticity every damn day and I’m sick of it man! 😤😞😞

[@mielenalkemiaa]

This is why psychoanalysis works. It offers an opportunity to express you every thought and feeling, no matter how weird they are. Analyst then accepts those feelings and is not "destroyed" by your authentic self, and you have a chance to learn that your authentic self can be accepted, or even cherished. Psychoanalysis offers a second chance at forming a healthy caretaker and child -relationship.

[@kathylambert3334]

Feeling that my Daddy was too violent with rage as he beat my brother for smartmouthing him meant I had to run to my room and hide myself. My authentic self cringed in fear at my Dad's anger, and I was astonished at my mom's ability to blame me for whatever happened to me by "friends of the family." Yes, suppressed turns into depressed. They are both long gone but my dear brother has blocked all those scenes out.

[@kirky9347]

Accept your child's emotions ❤️❤️❤️

[@susanrichard1653]

You don’t belong to you. They never did.

[@abigailgarcia3095]

I was attached to my husband for years (I think it was probably my need to have the attachment I didn’t have as a child) and during that time I felt like he literally treated me like his child. I grew tired of being so dependent and when I started being authentic to myself, our relationship began to fall apart. It hurts to see that he doesn’t like the real me.

[@lionsskyblue442]

' It hurts to see that he doesn’t like the real me.' this is so deep ultimately you have to be authentic for yourself, if he no like...move on

[@domenicocarli8951]

You are strong and brave. You find love again for who you are becoming.

[@maceyr.6583]

You are not alone. 🥺

[@lesliebird6690]

This speaks to me.

[@agnieszkag.5170]

I have been thinking about it 2 days ago at my walks in forest. I was thinking...since I am speaking openly my truth, I can see how people around me are not comfortable with it, are scared, afraid, or do not like me for saing my truth, the others are like - right, right, but most of my family members are not pleased anymore. Before I couldn't handle my life and my problems, so I was seeking people,to whom I could over and over complain about my problems. Now I am learning to cope with life at the moment and by taking responibility for myself.

[@Ge872]

Egocentrism has the characteristic of lack of boundaries: many parents erroneously treat their children as an extension of themselves failing to Respect a child’s individuality and independency which results in the child’s unhealthy emotional development..

[@beatsg]

Which is interesting, because this is what toddlers do. They see their parent as an extension of themselves. I wonder if this is parents still meeting a need they didn't get fulfilled in their childhood?

[@FloveTheo]

I tried giving up attachment to family members to continue being authentic, but this decision was based on the trauma of sudden non-acceptance. The shock of witnessing close connections no longer accepting "who I am" threatened my authenticity, and I briefly suppressed "me" being my true self. Will never do that again. Not being openly authentic never felt right, regardless of what people may or may not think. Letting go of connections wasn't really possible/easy(?) either, because I love them. Now I am trying to find the balance where wonderful health can be fully manifest, and - ideally - my authenticity is accepted and embraced by my connections/attachments. I've found that authenticity thrives when the messages from our hearts are heard, listened to and felt/comprehended not only by ourselves, but by our peers, too. It is so important to select a healthy social-emotional environment for ourselves. I wish I felt that environment present from family, as well. When human kind decides to speak the language of the heart - of emotion and feeling - we will know more love in society and families than ever before.

[@roughpatches]

I've been thinking about children in daycare alot recently and I can't reconcile the fact that children need attachment and yet don't get enough when they are thrown into daycare at a young age due to modern society.

[@evelynbaron2004]

8 months later into Covid 19 daycare because financial necessity boarding school from the age of 7, yikes. just worried about young children in general and social rapport etc. Well said. Don't mean to trivialize what you wrote but I've seen it in my young dog; happy friendly and suddenly not allowed to greet anyone -- she's totally confused.

[@charshill2978]

I've had 4 kids. I couldn't bear to put them in childcare or even babysitters for their first years. They are my responsibility and I am unashamedly attached to them, them to me. I have a friend who worked as an au pair, living with a wealthy family, for 2 kids, 7 and 9 years old. Every year they had a new nanny, many foreign and unable to talk much to them or form any bond. The kids didn't know how to play! And were virtually non verbal, always looking at people and unable to engage very much. They saw their parents at breakfast time and a few hours at the weekend. Another friend is a private tutor teens, wealthy families again, and they have no manners, won't listen to instructions and only spend time with staff, think they can pay for everything but can't form genuine friendships or attachments.

[@taylordossetor3608]

It’s correct, you might lose some of your close attachments for being authentic. You probably, almost definitely will. But it’s still worth it cos then you’ll find connections that actually fit with your real personality and will lose whatever was holding you back (hopefully).

[@dentonet2]

So because parents learn to suppress their own authenticity, it seems to me that they also become addicted to their child's approval, once they teach them to suppress their own needs. Since the parents can't handle their child's authenticity, they teach the child to react in the way that they need to feel comfortable. Oh my gosh it feels so good to just be authentic.

[@heidiccvincentz]

"Violence, whether spiritual or physical, is a quest for identity and the meaningful. The less identity, the more violence." -- Marshall McLuhan

[@hannahh8696]

Great quote, thank you

[@utopian3d]

I think what the doctor is rightly saying without using the words is that our attachment with others is often held together by our fears that we will not be able to depend on them so we repress ourselves true selves. That is why I believe that a child, as they mature, is stuck in a conundrum: do I stay in the safety of the group or express my true feelings? My belief is that learning to care for yourself externally and internally as we mature is the key to having the ability to express ourselves while accepting the risk of being rejected to some extent by our those to whom we are, or want to be, attached.

[@Amazology]

This is the nicest way anybody ever said "grow up" it's ok.

[@evelynbaron2004]

I think Jordan Peterson, the Bane of My Existence, is trying to say the same thing -- I suppose in his case the phrase physician heal thyself comes to mind.... wish him well. Gabor Mate an unusual man indeed.

[@metafive1]

@@evelynbaron2004 Why is he the bane of your existence - I mean apart from creating people who think like him and don't care about others just to sell books...

[@beatsg]

I don't think that's what he's saying

[@kn5132]

Finally! An explanation that cuts through all the bs and makes perfect sense! Thank you Dr. Gabor!

[@katiehewitt1541]

It’s why I picked up my natural ingrained artistic enjoyment ( painting, drawing, creativity it’s what I naturally was and I was taught to not and to suppress it and be something else I was punished and silenced ) and as I come to terms with stuff I realized I don’t have anyone who really loves or cares about me I don’t matter to anyone but I at least have what my authentic self enjoys and that’s my ability to create my gut feelings where all over the place because of being taught I couldn’t make good decisions everything was wrong and punishable that I did or was I was taught I couldn’t think for myself

[@katiehewitt1541]

I woke up this morning and had so much thought on this still working on everything still working on my brain and creativity and being authentic makes you much stronger it’s hard I know because people reject you but at the end of the day you get so strong and it feels so good to be true and to know your feelings and did have to give up my gut feelings and suppress myself and i have no one because the people who pretended to like me saw they where speaking to someone authentic and true so they didn’t like me for who I was they liked me for who they wanted me to be and I’m better off alone and being my authentic self listening to my gut feelings and creativity and expression through art than trying to please people who don’t like me for me

[@katiehewitt1541]

Every day if you work on your brain it gets that much better it helps you learn and know it’s ok to be your authentic self ! Your thought patterns change and it’s really one of the best ways to help the feelings of depression from feeling stuck as your trauma I know this because it works well on me I tried everything under the sun but brain work, creating a peaceful mind space yoga, qui gong meditation, healthy food, physical activity ( walking , running, or whatever you enjoy ) and just keep the peaceful music around you the healing music listen to people like Gabor every day they know trauma and what to do and keep it up the healing gets so noticeable you will feel so much better I’m going to post pictures of my paintings when I’m finished to show what someone who was once stuck can do when the heal and come back to who they are remember your not your trauma and it’s not a life sentence you can free yourself from the beliefs that nothing can change that’s simply untrue so listen every day fill your life with peace and healing and you maybe quite surprised what differences you notice!

[@katiehewitt1541]

It’s a struggle social iscolation last night was a difficult one and this morning I was tough this afternoon I’ll be working on my paintings it’s scary sometimes to be yourself but do be yourself please

[@sarahschwarz9972]

We attract the energy that we create in ourselves and emit to others. Keep working on your own beautiful selves and you will attract beautiful souls.

[@amogasidi]

I completely agree with your premise, that there is a struggle between maintaining attachments and authentic self representation. But what you started to say, or what I am saying, is that the conflict continues into adulthood, where we take jobs that are perhaps practical but we don't have a heart for. We are still torn with childhood trauma and training and need to put bread on the table and solve the problem of companionship and fit in with neighbors and social groups. So the problem of maintaining boundaries maintaining social contact just never get solved. It's sad.

[@rmmst49]

Wow. I actually understand myself better for having watched this.

[@rmmst49]

John Hillman yeah I was too busy getting ptsd from the supposedly Christian cult I survived

[@suesjoy]

I lost a dear friend die to alcoholism a few weeks ago. She died of liver failure. Her alcoholism was a result of an abusive relationship with her mother. Her mother was physically and mentally abusive. She would tell her that she would never amount to anything in her life after she left nursing school (my friend would have been an amazing nurse!). Then, when her drinking became out of control, her mother called her a worthless drunk. I know people who came from the same background- I’ve met them in AA. It is possible to heal oneself- but maybe not always. We went to the same therapist at one point. I didn’t care for this therapist, so I decided not to see her. I found a wonderful one though. I’m six years sober. I wish my friend had found a more suitable therapist, but I honestly think the pain was just too severe. Her mother was abandoned and brought up in an orphanage...so it’s a cycle of neglect and pain. Maybe the best way for her to heal was to die and heal in the spirit world. That is my belief. It’s so hard, because I tried to help her, but the last time I spoke to her, I knew she had given up. She moved back to the states a few years ago. We met in Taiwan where I live. I was so sad when she moved back. She was doing better here. It’s really, really sad.

[@kimlec3592]

My brother died. He was authentic. I survived. Authenticity was not welcome by our mother. Our father criticized then abandoned. Our mother was a manipulator. i try to survive. there are millions of us like this.

[@gersomvanslooten9456]

I've been in therapy for a year and slowly but surely I'm learning to be true to myself. in fact, it leads me to the conclusion that it's not bad to be alone and isolated sometimes if that's what it takes to get in touch with yourself. It's not a long-term strategy for me, but I take this time of solitude (partially inflicted by the Coronavirus) to get used to being myself again.

[@quadencaroline3368]

His book saved my life.

[@rebeckasvensson838]

This is it. Im 27. My father is sick, has been my whole life, due to his anxiety so now he avoids everything. Also he has narcissistic traits. My mom, also has a lot of anxiety due to her very traumatized childhood. My brothers, both have tried to end their lives due to their anxiety levels. My sister, she has gone through alot of therapy and is doing very well. Im here, due to being like a spunge, also "family therapist" or dumpster, thats what it felt like taking everyones trash and internalizing it. I have no idea how to be authentic. I have anxiety almost all the time, and when i dont have it, its because ive done everything to soothe. And thats how the cycle goes. After wathing Gabors documentary, I ask myself, why do I have it? Why do I have so much anxiety. Today I got a little bit closer to the truth. I doubt myself so much, It developes to worry, the worry gets into ongoing worry that never stops, and there I have my anxiety. Im not really depressed. Im very much alive. But its like I see all kids playing and oh my oh my I want to play, but this thing is in my way making be fragile and then I feel like im to fragile for playing with the kids, I cant handle it, but I want to, but Im just caught in a mess.

[@SinisterMud]

I will spread this message until I die! Thank you Dr Maté!!

[@danthadon87]

"To Thine Own Self Be True" was the best advice Gabor ever got according to him, given by his aunt.

[@johnmolefe6765]

I've been going through the comments and it's amazing how people open up. We need to share dr Maté with the world.

[@jasonomnia9295]

Being authentic/finding who you really are, is one of the most if not greatest achievement you could ever do in your life. Our environments has shaped us from who we are, to we've became. A little past my mid 20's I did a lot of inner work on myself, and learned to forgive those who have wronged me including myself, and it is one of the most freeing, most empowering thing you could ever do for yourself. Anyone who are in the midst of some sort of personal crisis, I wish you luck, I wish you love, and I wish you learn to overcome whatever personal struggles you are going through right now. The saying goes that there is light at the end of the tunnel, well to me it's more like there's a, and that saying was never more gratifying when the day I finally felt free and have trust in the world. Anyone struggling right now I hope you find a light at the end of your tunnel, and I hope you find it soon because you deserves it, know that you deserves it even when you feel like the world don't care, know that there's always one person who has the strength who can carry you through this and it is the same person you look in the mirror everyday, you just haven't realized it yet until you start finding compassion for yourself.

[@ashiff7781]

1:16 Need of authenticity.... "Authenticity is the capacity to know what we feel, to be in touch with our body and to be able to express who we are and manifest who we are in activities and in our relationships."

[@frankrockefeller3038]

Reason is a coupling of interest with detachment. Happiness is a balancing of interest with detachment. Authenticity is resolved through the work of self interest. Attachment is made objective, (put in clear focus) through detachment. Detachment is not repression or obsession or not caring - it is giving oneself the peace and space to see clearly. It is not always easy in all aspects of life - self, family, business, politics, life and death. Letting go in music and dance are examples of detachment. The mirror of the parent is an example of detachment that we grow from into healthy adulthood where the mature individual can reflect upon his/her particular life . Allowing a child to feel deeply should be coupled with the validation of detachment - its ok to let go - more will follow.

[@chucksareforshmucks5520]

I believe the subtle and persistent implication that I was too sensitive, and too deep led me to develop BPD. I am not a classic BPD, but I have a quiet version of it. I am very afraid of losing people by being my undiluted self, and I have intense shame and low self-esteem daily. I was also abused by someone outside of my family when growing up, but it was rarely spoken of after my parents found out. I felt like they spent most of the time running away from that reality rather than confronting it, and walking me away from the trauma. I never healed, and I felt guilt for being targeted because it caused my parents pain. So yes, not being authentic yourself and not allowing your child to be their true self is incredibly, INSANELY damaging. I'll probably never be who I could've been even if I become very high-functioning.

[@jacobsl3499]

I feel really sad when reading this. I´m sorry you had to have these experiences. However, I think your insights are extremely profound. Only that, is a far walk on the path to healing. I hope you recover and become the best you can be

[@gill426]

I don't know if that helps you at all but what you wrote here read so much like my personal life story. The similarities are incredible! I'm also still very polite and well behaved most of the time and I'm very functioning considering how deep my trauma lies and how incapacitating it is. Which is why I wanted to write to you because I'm in trauma therapy and it helps *a lot* and there are currently so many people out there, on KZbin too, who are trying to help, who are spreading their knowledge, who are giving concrete life advice on how to overcome this. Believe me, if I can muster up hope for a better life, it is absolutely possible for you too! I have so much pent up anger and hurt and the thing with my parents and family is a huge issue of aggression and hurt and loss and abandonment but it will get better, I know it! I don't know you personally but just know that I love you and you will get out of this. You're so much more than what was done to you! God bless! ☆♡

[@gill426]

@@nicolarenshaw6460 I don't mean this in a negative way but way did you make that your daily mantra? If you repeat this to yourself daily then this gets more and more reality.

[@chucksareforshmucks5520]

@@gill426 I write too!

[@littlemisskitch]

I relate to most of what you have written xx hugs xx

[@Ninof33]

This is what I realized at the age of 40. My authentic self was deeply buried inside me. I was attaching myself to things and people that had nothing to do with my authentic self. I felt more pain than happiness in the earlier years. I let everything and everybody go. Left it all in the past when I turned 40. It felt good. I let go of my old self. Today at the age 44 I’m looking to find a right person to talk to, who can help me with understanding my thoughts and my inner state, so than I’m able to let the real me out. I know who I am. Who I meant to be. Just need help with expressing my authenticity.

[@kitkat3348]

Thanks for sharing your journey...im doing the same at 50. Be free😘. I for so long kept unhealthy attachments just to be attached but we got to be thankful for the pain because it's are soul speaking that we're ready to move forward. Sometimes pain is beautiful because we know that we can transform from it. Stay blessed

[@astridbiram2776]

I Love this man,l could listen to him all day.😙😙😙😙😙

[@dreamingrightnow1174]

Right? He's very calming. Check out his conversation with Russel Brand.

[@bodinewaterfire5744]

I know.

[@susanrichard1653]

Russian/Russets please stop ✋

[@steveruston]

All of us as parents do the best we can with what we have, and so did our parents. I am so grateful to be alive in this time. We now have tools to make the world a better place full of authentic people. Thank you Dr. Maté for making that a reality. Love all the comments too.

[@evelynbaron2004]

I read all the comments as well. So often on the net there''s some kind of mess going on these days; this was a joy.

[@remotefaith]

Parents bring their children into the world without their consent and condemn them to a meaningless life and eventually a death sentence. Driven purely by irrational biological drives. The best thing you can do for your children is not have them

[@joannerzezniczek4599]

What a fortunate woman I am. This happened to me. I got into a lot of sorrow watching my parents read the lyric to my songs when I was a young teenager.

[@itzakpoelzig330]

Yes, it can be truly harrowing when your caregivers don't respect your boundaries. It feels like nowhere is safe, and no one can be trusted.

[@fromexoplanet21]

Yep, actually I've always felt like if any of my friends really knew what I feel and how I actually think they might all leave me. Some of them truly did when I got comfortable with them and decided to open up because I really didn't have anyone else to talk to and wanted them to see the real me. It only worked twice most of them left me behind. It hurts when they leave you for somebody else or because they don't like the real you. There are things that I can't even tell my mother bc I'm sure she won't support me anymore if I did.

[@stephaniecallahan5356]

Maybe your honesty and authenticity made your friends (subconsciously) uncomfortable because they can’t be honest and real with themselves; your ability to do so was like holding up a mirror to their own internal struggles that they just weren’t ready to face yet... I’ve shared “too much realness” with ppl and have had them turn away from me too and I think they just can’t handle it; it’s too threatening to their sense of self... so keep being real and authentic and trust that friends will develop in your life that are like you and who also want to have authentic relationships! Much love to you ❤️🙏🕉

[@jamesbaviello4857]

Being your authentic self is frightening for people who have suppressed their guts all their lives. They value attachment to others over authenticity. This is where you get personality disorders from.

[@beatsg]

@@stephaniecallahan5356 in Brené's book Gifts of Perfection, she mentions being vulnerable with those "who've earnt the right." It can be hard to learn when to share. If we're easily trusting it can go wrong and sometimes it's a case of sharing something precious, and they don't look after it. So picking the right person can take some tuning in and learning.

[@dv0008]

it's not personal, it's evolution. from conformity to authenticity. CELEBRATE!

[@vercingetorixavernian8978]

I’ve never seen a toxic comment on a Gabor Mate video.... always full of beautiful stories and experiences from random strangers :)

[@susanrichard1653]

Such an accomplished compassionate soul through his willingness to expose his vulnerability it’s live giving to others.

[@HarmonousHappenings101]

Yes Im dealing with this right now. Do I loose me or do I loose my husband and daughter? I cant loose me because if I do I will hate myself and resent my family so I will loose both. I will drink again and die thus I will have no life either. I have to choose me today and Damn is it AMAZING to finally KNOW MYSELF and OWN MYSELF! Thank you Gabor for helping me get clean and sober. I am eternally grateful and I love you so much. I am getting my counseling degree to help others now for the gift of Authenticity I have been given is Freedom from the BONDAGE OF SELF and its UTOPIA!!!

[@pambennett8967]

I was ruined by severe and unrelenting trauma at an early age and passed it in to my kids without realizing it. One died of these traumatic wounds. I am broken and my heart if forever broken, because I love my children so much, but I could not feel my gut feelings at all. I have DID .

[@ilqar887]

Can u please if it is okay talk about it? It could be helpfull

[@pambennett8967]

scouse nofeyzulla ok. I would like to help. I was tortured by sadist from newborn to age six when my mom worked. He met her at 8 months pregnant. He fooled her and targeted me before I was born.. he would make the Marquis de Sade look like a boy scout.

[@itzakpoelzig330]

Yes, DID can only be caused by the most horrific of abuse, sustained across years. And it's much more common than most people realize, because it doesn't always present as clearly as it does in the movies. I'm so sorry that that was done to you, Pam. I wish you all the best on your path to self-recovery. Please keep sharing your story (if you feel comfortable to) with those who are ready to understand, because we as a society still have a lot to learn about the things that go on in our midst.

[@pambennett8967]

@@itzakpoelzig330 I am trying to write my autobiography, because I think that what DID sufferers go through can offer insight to the general public about themselves. I am only nine pages in. It is just really really hard to write such an awful story. I also briefly tried to make videos about it here on KZbin, but I gave up due to the fact that most people are not interested, and I am not together enough ti package up the videos , and I don't know how to edit. I want to help people . I do feel I have small insights that could be very helpful, because my perspective and experience of life is so very different than most. I would like humanity to have a better shot at living happier lives , more fully themselves. It seems a shame that we are so backward when it comes to our emotional and psychological understanding of reality. It's unbelievable that in this late age we are still attacking our own children. It is also sad that we don't appreciate the people that truly try to help, and are unsung heroes and truth tellers . Instead we admire people with money or those that work out a lot or are famous for something. We should appreciate our own families and close friends . Idk. Rambling I guess. Anyhow thanks for your comment

[@itzakpoelzig330]

@@pambennett8967 I can see how it would be very difficult to write about. What if you teamed up with a ghost-writer? You're clearly a very competent writer yourself, but having a ghost-writer might offer a layer of emotional insulation. My great-grandfather wrote a book about his experiences in WWII (he was a Polish Jew) and he used a ghost-writer, both because the subject matter was so difficult for him, and because English wasn't his first language. I wish you the best of luck with this because I know you have a lot to share.

[@duggygee1232]

I’m 55... it’s hard to just be...

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Me too I’m 56

[@iainmackenzieUK]

I am 59 this year. I take my weekly singing lessons very seriously and they are raising a deeper awareness and experience of my relationship with (and struggle for) authenticity. As I strive to be authentic in my voice, an internal conflict arises which is totally in line with what Gabor is saying in this video. Actually I am finding it both tough and exciting. Maybe this is going to be my best decade :)

[@beautiful_3209]

You are doing great it's not that hard:)

[@monsterMike62]

57 here and in the midst of a mid life crisis that started a year and a half ago. Yeah Man, its hard.

[@ivonnelopez8203]

I’m sorry you haven’t had real acceptance. You deserve people who really love you and accept you. You are worthy.

[@Infodawg2012]

Gabor is full of wisdom.

[@remioshibanjo5631]

I'm so grateful for this mans work and all that he does

[@itzakpoelzig330]

Same.

[@wendywatson-hallowell1413]

So well said 🤩. Until we replace our outer attachment with our inner connection, we will always sacrifice our authentic selves.

[@rosaliavitale2013]

One of the rare persons on youtube that I can listen non stop since he coveys very importand messages for life.

[@dragonlady2264]

Have you heard Gordon Neufeld yet? 😁

[@perminderkaur8160]

Im so glad I found this video as new parent 🤙🏽

[@joannaprince659]

I love Gabor! His insight into the science of being a person in the modern day world and brings us back to our basic needs! Thank you! Simple, but also acknowledges our complexity of society. My goal is always to be authentic, my goal is to come back to what I was meant to be in this world

[@krisscanlon4051]

It's been a blast to say the least recovering following my inner compass. Being in recovery being true to myself authentic not complete phony. Feel easier and much lighter! My ego is still a big bag of crap but hey one day at a time progress not perfection

[@vivekamar99]

I feel you

[@susanrichard1653]

Excellent attitude 👍

[@hammettfcb]

I also think being authentic can make relationships stronger. Sharing that vulnerability (wich IS a strenght) doensn't necessarily have to be seen as a risky thing only

[@dreadlockbanana]

I don't think vulnerability is the right word. Honesty may be better.

[@majorhoulihan8448]

He got me at "we are the least developed"

[@pizzaperson1]

At birth we are the least developped baby mammal on the planet. Other mammals can walk and feed themselves very quickly (within days) while for humans it take one year at least.

[@jackdeniston9326]

Because we are the most complex, and develop the most.

[@agentsmidt3209]

@@jackdeniston9326 That is debatable. That is a very anthropocentric outlook on existence.

[@ShadesAndBoots]

@@pizzaperson1 I'm pretty sure she knew exactly what he meant...hence her comment.

[@DH-og5yr]

Buck Deniston we still start out the furthest behind. 1.5 years to walk. Show me another creature taking 1.5 years to walk, fly or swim.

[@erienwfryer383]

Well said. The root cause of illness can be found right here. Life, Health and Wellness Coach

[@RebelHippyProductions]

Thank you for taking the time to spread this message. I just turned 30 and realized within the last couple of years that I was a bit lost in truly understanding who I am in this lifetime. It took a lot of reflection and pain to understand that there was a point in my life where I did sacrifice my authenticity for that attachment. I'm still in the path of learning what to do with the losses, it takes an emotional toll on self but I have never felt more liberates than I do now by being honest with me.

[@bickbalsy]

He is my favourite Doctor Who.

[@saraht1367]

This is the truest thing I've ever heard.

[@treevapeacock846]

Yes! SO TRUE, so many of us later as teens in therapy or adults after awareness decide to CHOOSE our own authenticity versus a parent who would prefer a robot or clone .

[@es8117]

The thing is after listening to this I've realised that to lose your authenticity means there is no relationship in the first place. Attachment or not.

[@itzakpoelzig330]

That's very true and profound. You may feel attached to your caregivers as an infant and child, because you depend on them for care. And they may say, and may truly believe, that they love you. But if you have had to adopt inauthenticity to keep their "love", then what they loved was never really you. And if you know or feel that it is the "false you" that they love, then how can you ever feel secure in that attachment? It's a big, fake, hurtful mess from day one.

[@frederiquebertin119]

I always was allowed and loved for my authenticity at home

[@frederiquebertin119]

the babies before me didn't survive , my brother got born with a heavy cerebral hemorrhage and my sister very hill so that the grand parents held my parents as responsible for the death of the babies , for my brother cerebral hemorrhage and my sister illness and took them away from my parents . Just at that moment , mum was pregnant of me . I got born completely healthy with not a single life treat and because of it my grand parents brought my brother and sister back to my parents . Because of all that context , my parents always did respect my life more than any one else on earth .

[@BookemDeno]

I'm 30-years old and have no clue who I am. I'm trying to unpack who I am and find my authentic self. Since I was a child I sacrificed my own self and continued that as an adult to the point I don't know who I am.

[@jyotivyas9286]

प्रणाम गबोर गुरुजी। हर हर महादेव😊🎉❤💐💐💐आदर,बहुत बहुत। आभार। आभार हे परम् bhrhmnd😊😊❤❤💐💐

[@mjparent222]

Yes. I have been ending many relationship before the other can end it. That have been my way to control my attachment needs. This has been sabotaging a lot and have been also very costly, litterally costly. On the road to healing. One step at a time. Thank you Gabor Maté to express those situation in a way that I can access and feel enabled to be as I am, more and more. This really helps.

[@katiehewitt1541]

Healing and acceptance of the authentic self is a process it seems to come in bits every day sometimes small bits and sometimes we suddenly move forward fast and shock ourselves as in WOW I did that? I was capable of this ? It’s true sometimes it feels so hopeless it’s not ! Do not give up

[@danpetru]

after a long period of struggling with this dilema, i feel that authenticity should be seeked and i think that it's a base for better attatchemnt. Though one shouldn't be dogmatic about it, pushing it constantly forward. Authenticity is often hard, the harder, the more u are used to suppress and mask your feels, wants and needs. For me it's an ongoing jorney with authenticity and i can't say that it's payed off but i don't believe in the alternative. I wouldn't like me, if I saw myself pretending to much, perhasp like I was before. That being said, i don't think one should expect to turn around, over night, a perfect being in harmony with the world. It's rather in the small things that you can change at first, not in the many fabulous grand things you can do, but in the insignifiant small things that you can't . Change is slow, hard, annoying. People are not to blame, though they seem sometimes responsable for us not changing. And there's one thing not to ignore, the voice that tells us everything we don't want to hear, when we want at least to hear ovit. Our consciense

[@lifebeelifebee9214]

I had my authenticity for most of my childhood period because I had little to no attachment. My mom was a kind woman who loved my dad more than anything and anyone, and my dad was a psychopath. While they were saturated in each other's problems, we the kids just grew the way weeds grow. We were not abused but intoxicated by severely toxic home atmosphere. So I guess, we were abused emotionally afterwards? The environment was still forming my personality, no matter of how free I was. It is a bit more complex than it seems.

[@markgable3087]

So, you would have liked more attachment/love?

[@commonsense2697]

I can relate to this

[@itzakpoelzig330]

You don't need attention all day from your parents, you just need that attention to be available whenever you want it. I had the opposite experience from the person above. My parents were obsessed with me and in my business, hovering and "helping" 24/7. Even as a very small child, I wanted LESS of their attention. It was a relief to me when they finally had a second child to focus on.

[@gama6749]

How can we un-suppress our gut feelings and avoid addictions? Appreciate Dr Gabor. Wish I could see him for a month lol

[@ginawhoever9734]

this man speaks so much TRUTH. PLEASE... if you are out there, and being faced with this choice... do i be authentically me and have people vilify me and turn away for it, or do i compromise and live a life of only knowing conditional plastic "love and acceptance", BE YOU... either choice WILL HURT. if you must let go and break away from people you love because they do not love you but only *their version of you*, YOU WILL GRIEVE AND IT WILL HURT LIKE HELL. if you try and stay, and at least get the 'breadcrumbs' of "love and attachment" from those around you whom you love, YOUR TRUE SELF WILL BEGIN TO EAT YOU ALIVE FROM THE DEEPEST INSIDE OF YOU OUT... until it gets to your actual physical self and you WILL SUFFER in one way or many others. in my life i TRIED to stay where i at least thought there were breadcrumbs... i was a child, i did not understand any better... but then it became an indoctrination which i began following without even understanding i was doing it... and NOW.... now i have had more than one nervous breakdown, and am currently writing this message bedridden, suffering awfully and in pain, and legitimately DYING. i dont mean that as a metaphor either.... i learned too late the cost of this. and had i the choice to try it all again, i would suffer the absolute TRUE MOURNING AND GRIEF no matter how long it took, of letting go of those who only loved an idea of me... because in the end... ONCE I GOT SO SICK FROM IT ALL, THEY ABANDONED ME ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT TO 'DEAL WITH MY ILLNESS/SUFFERING'. please please please.... whoever you are, parent or child or relative or whatever side of a relationship.... LEARN FROM WHAT THIS MAN IS TELLING YOU. i am proof... and i know many others who only learned it too late and are now sick, suffering, mentally destroyed, and dying. this is NOT PSYCHOBABBLE to keep psychologists in business. THIS IS HUMAN TRUTH.

[@itzakpoelzig330]

Bless you, Gina. I hope you're still alive.

[@amjPeace]

I feel badly that I didn't learn how to allow my 2 older kids to be authentic until they were already four and six years old. Now they are adults and the 3rd child is the only one who knows how to be comfortable with himself.

[@beccareynolds4625]

This is generally what happens ... in most families. 💖

[@victoriacrawford3021]

Thank you! So beautifully and simply explained. Much gratitude and appreciation for this offering!

[@katiehewitt1541]

The only thing I can do is take it day by day as in try to get through the day as ok I have this 24 hours to get through as peaceful and happy as possible the sad truth for those of us who do the right thing and be our authentic selves we are facing a society that abuses us for it shunning and condemning us for being ourselves and not following the masses

[@indiracamotim2858]

Such an important message for us who don’t see this distinction between the two things and spend our life feeling guilty for wanting to be authentic. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@susanrichard1653]

Guilt is necessary to learn, but one should never linger in this emotion Long, it’s toxic to your well-being

[@indiracamotim2858]

@@susanrichard1653 - very true. I am the example for that. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@katheryntaylor9810]

Yep that was my childhood. Love was conditional and only available if I presented the way they wanted me too. Unfortunately happens all too often in our society.

[@Alex-kk8is]

Narcissistic parents. They should not be allowed to breed!

[@3245james]

This hits home for me.

[@martinv.-]

Pleased to see that you like this stuff and also Breaking Benjamin :D

[@emilyzena7070]

I like how honest he is about his own failings as a parent. Great, succinct and important video.

[@efortune357]

"Even as adults, so many people are suffering because they want to be themselves but they’re afraid to be cecause know, or at least they fear that if they’re themselves they’re going to lose important attachment relationships in their life.” ~Gabor Mate

[@rul4522]

To see the deeper meaning when you see authenticity is so, so meaningful!

[@fluffyclouds4303]

Hey it's a real journey finding ones self, authenticity is such a huge lesson for us all.