Guilt vs Remorse After Betrayal

In the emotional aftermath of betrayal within a relationship, rebuilding trust can seem like an insurmountable task. As a therapist, I often encounter individuals grappling with this challenge, seeking to discern whether their partner truly feels remorse for their actions. This video outlines the crucial difference between guilt, a self-centered feeling of personal regret, and remorse, a profound sadness stemming from hurting a loved one.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
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[@dougie6886]

There is no coming back from being betrayed. It is over.

[@FittinToGet]

This lady is great and really deserves a much larger audience. I'm going through a betrayal right now and these videos are helpful.

[@uncle0eric]

As always, informative and helpful.

[@jimobrien6903]

Thanks so much for your content. It's a big help

[@xeropunt5749]

If people could be 100% honest with each other they could understand the reasons behind actions which always has some justice seeking behind it.

[@melkerner]

I wonder - do you ever see a partner who has committed adultery (no acknowledged, but still secret) withdraw sex and not be able to bring themselves to re-enter your sexual relationship out of guilt or remorse?

[@ElimEx1]

I am on a lot of boards and it's VERY common. It makes sense if you think about it. The person who commits infidelity is in an affair fog and in intense limerence. In my case, there was a complete split in me between home life and work life (where it happened). Then again, there are people for whom nothing changes. But if it happens to you, just know that it's common and is often "fixed" after several years. Might need counseling or not. Depends on the person and it depends on what your marriage was too. Both partners are to blame for the marriage having failed but the cheater is responsible for cheating. But if it was bad, there was probably a disconnect and the person may not want to reconnect for MANY reasons. Have a conversation if you feel it's important.

[@ElimEx1]

I had an emotional affair and i did very little of that even though I was sorry that I hurt my wife. But rather than feel any which way about it, I used it to learn more about myself (turns out I'm Asperger) and i didn't follow the standard path that people expect. Yes, I told her where I was and when there were deviations I told her and it was super annoying but that's what she imposed. But she wanted me to remember to give her my phone (i never did because it was really irrelevant imo but I since learned that painshopping is a normal part of the betrayed spouse experience). I still don't understand why my wife was hurt but she was and at the end of the day, the fact that my choices hurt her is what matters and just to ensure that it wouldn't happen again. I don't know that I ever "felt" remorse or guilt. Not sure how that feels, they are useless emotions as far as I am concerned. But i used the opportunity to become a better person not because of her but because it's not who I should be or who I want to be. I changed because I wanted to, I didn't change because someone else imposed it on me. But it's a process for the wandering spouse to get to that point. We all blame, shift, deflect, trickle truth for months/years. It's a long journey, it never happens overnight. Don't expect that to happen.