How to Love Yourself ft. Humble the Poet

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Merry Christmas and happy holidays, friend. I know the holidays aren’t the easiest time for people, and no matter what today looks like for you, I wanted to share this video. It’s a beautiful conversation I had with my good friend Humble the Poet, where we talk about how to love yourself, set boundaries, and build healthier habits around love and attraction.
In this new video, we go deep. It touches upon some incredibly important truths relating to how to get back in touch with ourselves (and what makes us happy), so we can make better choices in a partner.
I found his words incredibly heartwarming and uplifting, and I hope you’ll feel the same way.
Happy holidays, everybody,
Matthew x
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 11:43 - Self-Love and Patterns That Keep Us From Finding Love
11:43 - 17:16 - How to Know If Someone’s Struggling to Receive Love
17:16 - 24:28 - Our Definition of Love and “Enoughness”
24:28 - 30:05 - Our Relationship With Ourselves
30:05 - 38:10 - How to Attract a Self-Aware Person
38:10 - 1:01:35 - How Can I Stop Being Attracted to the Wrong People?
1:01:35 - 1:06:09 - Competition in Love
1:06:09 - 1:13:50 - Self-Love, Boundaries, and Vulnerability
1:13:50 - 1:29:16 - When Someone Finds You Intimidating
1:29:16 - 1:35:48 - Perfection Isn’t Required
1:35:48 - 1:41:08 - "How to Be Love(d)"

[@benjaminnielsen4288]

"We often adore those who ignore us, and we ignore those who adore us"..... now that's a powerful reality. True in every sense.

[@barbararomeo9817]

Very True😏

[@colleencontreras6950]

I totally agree!

[@AikiraBeats]

Right once he said that everything clicked

[@thiacari]

I haven't really noticed this? Like once there was this handsome smart guy and I tried to get his attention, I chose the same classes and teams, but he was never more than polite and friendly. It put off my interest pretty quickly - why chase him when he obviously liked something different?

[@likila284]

I'm here to just say thank you. Was going through a break up, had my world shattered to pieces. And now I'm healing and learning how to love myself again. This comment is just appreciation for all the great content on this channel, thank you very much for helping me to see the light again

[@humblethepoet]

Thank you for having me... my book HOW TO BE LOVE(d) is available everywhere books are sold =)

[@philipcallado5693]

I feel like my love life has been ripped open from watching this. I’ve had a pattern of being enamored with beautiful, successful women who don’t reciprocate that feeling, and I’ve been realizing it’s from a place of needing my ego fed. It’s almost like a revenge of the nerds deal where I was always the nerd who wanted the hot girl but couldn’t get her, and now that I’ve gotten in better shape and am more fashion conscious, I’m on like a quest to get the hottest girl I can so I can be like “Up yours, bitches!” To everyone who said I couldn’t. And it’s made me anxious and ultimately miserable. And what’s made it tough is it’s not like these women were horrible people. They were actually really cool. But they got caught up in this whirlwind of me using them to heal my own insecurities. And it also comes with me having to chase love and approval my whole life since I wasn’t really getting it from my parents. They took care of my physical needs, but not really emotionally.

[@MaricaIvica]

Wauw what a insight you have !

[@marcusappelberg369]

I have done the same. At least we know!

[@paris3331]

At the very least it's a great start to reflect & become self aware. Keep it up! Sending love

[@saphira122mimi]

Practical tips: - Think about what his important for you in a partner and WHY it is important. Question it. - Pray. Even if you are not a believer. Pray about what you want and what are you thankful for. Its a moment of vulnerability with yourself. For you to become best friends with someone you need to have those moments of vulnerability with them. Its the same with self love. - You are a complete person (like a pillar). Abandon the idea that you need somebody to feel complete. - Prioritize self respect, instead of self esteem based on others validation. To do this honour your commitments, not your feelings. Do hard things and have intentions. - Be compassionate when you break the commitments with yourself. Maybe make easier commitments, more attainable. - Be your own best friend. Take yourself on dates. Time is our most valuable thing. - Perfection is not needed to love yourself. Your flaws do not make you unworthy of love. Society makes us think that you are never enough and we need this or that to be worthy, but we dont. - Look for PEACE in your relationships, NOT for toxicity, people keeping you in your toes, mixed feelings, not pleasure or even excitement. Peace is the goal. Peace gets rid of the extra drama and junk. - Have good love role models and try to mimic and understand what they do differently. 💗

[@nwadaiigbo]

Thank you for summarising this!

[@saphira122mimi]

@@nwadaiigbo u welcome ☺️ have a good year 💗

[@lisasummers1163]

Yawn.

[@Gabby0026]

I think people really need to heal and do inner work in order to not turn down great opportunities

[@coolbreeze5683]

I kinda laughed a bit at the part about people who are only attracted to extremely good looking people. If they're dismissive of someone they think is less attractive than they are then why be surprised or upset if someone "more attractive" then them shows them the same dismissiveness. Self-awareness is important. Also the part about what feelings being with an attractive person conjures up. Is it the societal acceptance that comes with being with an attractive person? If you were on a deserted island with someone where money, status, societal opinions etc. didn't matter and you had to be stuck with them for a year, would you still be attracted to your usual type?

[@littlecat2222]

I find myself very related to this meaningful and deep conversation. I have been a single mum for 8 years and feel like giving up especially during this festive season. Just feel extra lonely. Thank you so much for this video and I wish everyone watching this a new year filled with love 💕

[@ariellauschi3933]

Been crying the whole night and in the morning my eyes couldn’t see…i just broke up with him yesterday..I thought this season I would spend it with the people i love but all i see around is me…its soo hard I don’t even know how i will start moving own…

[@katjamfohr]

You are not alone ✨ Single moms are the super heroes. You are stronger than you think. Sending you lots of peace and light !

[@user-ec5mz3xb4o]

@@katjamfohr not easy really

[@carmenkamberos1156]

Ariela Uschi, breaking up is hard, specially during Christmas. I hope and pray that the Lord Jesus gives you consolation, hope and courage to go on with your life. Jesus is the reason for the season… He has plans and a future for you: Jeremiah 29:11. Blessings

[@annwrog]

Sending you warm positive wishes. Praying for you.

[@ChristinaGuzik]

Thank you. It is Christmas, I'm alone and needed this today. 💖

[@shivanthikulasingham6131]

I know you feel alone, just know there are a lot of people who are also alone, and needed this today.

[@notapottopissin7493]

"making people feel less than for not being married, having kids" etc... I love that this has been said. It's exactly how I've felt and have been made to feel by those that are married, have children. I am valuable without those things💜

[@paris3331]

Those ppl were behind the times. Still are.

[@demongoblinghoul629]

Used to watch Humble all the time, such a cool and unexpected crossover

[@soyouwantagodlywoman3418]

The strange thing is... when you guys were talking about the woman who wants a self made man, I understand that. I spent 7 years in the workhorse, sole provider role in my family before separating from my abusive ex. Clearly financial abuse was just one of the forms of abuse. So a man that doesn't ask me to make the money, pay the bill, bail him out, etc... is essential. But as Matthew said in one of his other videos, that ambition to always be out there or preoccupied with getting the bag can be boring or worse yet, he's gone all the time. It's about balance. And balance is hard to achieve in ourselves let alone find it in another person.

[@Iudicatio]

I haven't watched the whole video but my mom has always told me something about that that I think is true. Self made men can (at least sometimes) be humble, down to earth, normal people, whereas men with rich parents are always assholes who are primarily concerned with clinging onto their family fortune. I think it's true. I have never been on a date with a guy from a rich family but I once went on a date with a guy who made a lot of money by himself and he was clearly much more concerned with finding an emotional connection with someone than with anything else. And it wasn't much different from going out with a guy with less money except he took me to a more expensive place than I had ever been before. Just my opinion.

[@amieamie6268]

I once read this quote by an unknown source, and I feel it fit in here pretty well. It goes: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you, with everything they have got." Now, it's up to you if you want that level of love or if you're looking for a different level of love.

[@rusalkanyc4670]

😭❤️ Needed to see that quote. Thank you.

[@Natallou55]

That makes me cry. Great quote

[@PhetteHollins]

I definitely agree with Humble about the person having to “actively be in therapy” part. No longer will I entertain anyone unwilling to become self aware.

[@membering]

Yes! Every time I think back how I used to watch Sex and the City and thought it was perfectly fine that Carrie was chasing Big(her main love interest) around all the time, when all he did was constantly give her mixed signals. The entire show! AND the movies lol...Smh...

[@dcooper2664]

WOW- LOVE the depth of this conversation and how open Humble is!! Thank you Matthew for having him on. 🙏🏼♥️

[@sohila5033]

We also want things that other people are incapable of giving to us, we give what other people don't want or need from us. Thank you so much for putting this out for all of us.

[@catrina1026]

That's what I do i danxe or read when i am feeling lonely. I never feel lonely with a book or music to move my body to it.

[@cashmererose1101]

Creating something from me or photography 😊

[@mompreneurlife]

❤ excellent advice! Breaking up with someone may be hard to do but it also offers the opportunity to find yourself ❤

[@faiqabadreldin3753]

“‘I’m specifically lovable’ and ‘I’m specifically unlovable’ are both rooted in the same place” Pure gold!

[@asena1181]

Btw I’ve seen the change that jiu jitsu can make in people and I find it so fascinating what it can teach people about themselves on and off of the mat. Congratulations on your Blue belt Matthew!

[@shannonferguson4810]

More of these conversations with other love and lifestyle experts, please! I'm Canadian and have been following Humble for some time now; he is so thoughtful.

[@jamaalsmith5626]

You're broken lols.

[@claudiafegari5116]

1:32: "-The feeling is peace, it is not pleasure."

[@MD-yp7im]

Getting this book. I rarely buy books on relationships but this interview absolutely SOLD me. Humble has an amazing energy and insight. Hope you have him on again!

[@barbaralynch5119]

Loved this! I spent most of my life believing I wasn't able to love. I have been working on myself for the last couple of years, the hardest part has accepting love in all forms. I have said this from day one of finding your content, you are so much more than a dating coach, you are a life coach and so good at it, thank you!

[@priyabali8347]

You're the best Matthew! I really need to listen to you this new year!

[@Avoid_Low_Frequency]

You two were phenomenal and what great insight. My takeaway is you have to be willing to try something new AND quit doing the same thing over and over.

[@lucyallerton8476]

Hey Matt, I’ve watched hundreds of your videos and I’ve never commented. I just want to thank you for your massive contribution to me and all of your other followers ❤ I always get something new out of watching your videos.

[@PkmnMasterHolly]

Happy holidays everyone! 🎁🎉Great video Matthew!! Thank you! 😊 ❤️

[@hey_lilz]

This is such a great interview. Def my thoughts exactly . Humble you are on it !! Everyone don’t date unless you have done the work on yourself. See your patterns and change your view on how you engage. If it feels bad it is bad. ❤

[@mundo_de_lesly]

I'm listening to this in pieces and already I want to say thank you for sharing this Matt and thank you to Humble the Poet for speaking some truth!! You have gained a fan Humble, and Matt, it's always a pleasure to support you ❤️

[@annamanna3]

Thank you to you both. Its been almost a year since my last long term relationship and I've suddenly started missing him and only remembering the good parts rather than the issues that we couldn't work through. Out of all the amazing things that was said the reminder of feeling peace in the relationship is really helpful. Purchased the book. Excited to read. ❤️

[@AdrianneZamandra]

I loved that conversation so much. Thank you Matthew & Humble ❤

[@ersheri]

I’ve watched this three times. And I’m buying the book. One of your best videos ever!!

[@mihaelasandu5651]

Matt, I come here today, in Christmas day, to say a huge and from all my heart Thank You for all the precious things I learn from you each day! I am so grateful to have you in my life. To you and to all the members of your team, I send big and warm hugs with all my love! 🤗❤

[@taniaioannou6507]

Merry Christmas to you and your family! I just want to thank you for your words of wisdom! God bless you! 🎄🙏💖

[@tomaohanjanyan7472]

So interesting. Especially about "Mixed signals are a NO" and all the information in general.

[@t.d.6731]

Wow!!! Huge eye-opener!!! Thank you so much for sharing this information. ❤❤❤❤❤

[@amandayorke481]

Hey, I actually wrote this in a recent comment on a post - that when we say that we feel love, it can mean WE are feeling loving at the same time we are feeling loved!

[@yelissahernandez8598]

This is the first interview I watch from Matthew and I love it. Great job! 🎉🎉

[@ajayioluwatosin1581]

Well done Matthew 🙏🙏🙏🌲🌲 happy Christmas 🌲🌲

[@karenfischer]

Great interview, all day long! I appreciate both of you for this interview

[@saras.raywhite]

It's absolutely true that we have to love ourself, before anyone else. After i love myself, improve and taking care of myself. Guys are just coming to me and i was selecting them 😅 . Then came one man who has the same intention, want to comitted, and then he purposed me. Now we're engaged. And it's true that everything become so easy with the right person. ❤️❤️❤️. I hope everybody who watch this video will find their right person soon!

[@anubhootiaurora7796]

Pure gold! So authentic!

[@Southerngrl]

This is by far my absolute fav interview!! Ty. N it’s nice to hear another perspective from Humble the poet.

[@joeiznang]

Thank you. I needed this today x

[@julitaserrano5550]

Ordering this book! Really needed to hear all of this, both of you. About the rejection, being gracious to myself, will save it to listen to again sometime.

[@paris3331]

Matthew u made this conversation so bearable w the questions & listening gracefully.

[@Perspectivesbyme]

Loved the conversation thank you!

[@claudiar0815]

That was beautiful. Thank you. Martial arts are certainly a good way to learn about boundaries and self-respect (maybe even self-love), because if you don't have them, it can get dangerous. And often we forget that we have to be good training partners ourselves to help others develop in their training. The same applies to love.

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

Perfect timing!

[@kimdecker8901]

I enjoyed and appreciated this 1:41:08 so much more than I expected to. Thank you, Matthew and Humble, for surprising me, and for making me that much wiser for having spent the time with you!

[@carmenkamberos1156]

Merry Christmas Mathew!!!

[@Paula-fd6lj]

I absolutely loved this conversation, what great insight!

[@thunabs7759]

I think there is a lot of contradiction in love.. you're supposed to compromise but think of yourself in the same time. And it is never really clear when you are compromising and being a good partner or thinking of yourself and being selfish. Where do you draw the line? when is it ok to do things for your partner even if you dont like it and do the things that you want to do even if your partner doesnt like it... how do you navigate thst without resorting to (I need to love myself first) ... I think no matter whether you love yourself or not. Having clear guidelines could cure that problem too... 2+2=4. but I think when it comes to togetherness vs. autonomy.... the lines are not clear.

[@coolbreeze5683]

I think it's important to have a definite set of boundaries that you aren't willing to compromise on at all. Everything else can be compromised. When you're with the right person, you won't need to think too much about it. You'll have a gut instinct.

[@andreamagyar5541]

There is ever a clear line, unless you come to your deal breakers, sometime he needs more, sometime you need more. Sometimes love needs more, as a 3rd being.

[@edithgicheha2213]

Beautiful useful conversation. Loved it

[@Natallou55]

The real you can never be rejected, because the real you is just pure love

[@wthlv4876]

I really enjoyed this talk. More please.. Thank you🙏🙏

[@dande_lion]

Such a great conversation. Loved to listen to the two of you - and will grap a copy of the book.

[@lilynguyen4298]

Thank you so much for your video. Didn’t know I needed it that much.

[@HarleenMokha]

Love this duo! Humble & Matt❤

[@ligiasommers]

Amazing, beautiful, helpful episode . Thank you 🙏🏻🌹🥂✨🙏🏻

[@fieldsofyasmine6255]

I really like the questions you asked Humble, would love to see more indepth awnsers on these topics.

[@kalpanad2484]

Thank you tahnk you for having sikh represented on your platform :) I finally subscribed

[@afmirak]

Thank you. I needed this 😊

[@tripplethreat1414]

Wow , so many different perspectives in this podcast ❤️ thank you

[@winterclarkactivates1010]

What a beautiful conversation to listen to on Christmas Day!✨🙏🏽🤍 Thank you both and Humble the Poet, your energy and demeanor… delightful 🥰

[@connect.communicate.create]

This is so true. Thank you for revealing it.

[@meh-hair-Vaughn]

Amazing conversation. So many useful nuggets of information! I could relate to quite a lot that was said by Humble.

[@annwrog]

So could I.

[@brendageorge9800]

I would be interested if you were to create a self help/self love workbook featuring some of the topics covered in this video. You both did a great job presenting the key ideas we should focus on to be in a healthy frame of mind no matter where we are in our love lives. Thank you for what you both have done by offering this video.😊

[@jons4934]

Workbook? Just what I want to do draw in someone else's book with some colored pencils like it's 3rd grade

[@UtkarshBegiens]

A great episode, lots of truth bombs dropped by none other than Humble The Poet. I was sitting with my notepad and pen. Lots of points I have written down which really made sense to me. Surely gonna grab the book soon. Best wishes to Humble The Poet for his new book.

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

It's good to learn to say 'no'

[@taria4718]

Such a beautiful video ❤ Pre ordered the book 🙏

[@anthonyszymon3032]

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love him and most times I cant stop thinking about him, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of him, but i just cant, i love him so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about him.

[@nancysainhigh1354]

its always difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation my husband for 12 years left me, i couldnt just let him go, i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring him back.

[@anthonyszymon3032]

@@nancysainhigh1354 wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?

[@nancysainhigh1354]

@@anthonyszymon3032 Her name is Isobel Bonnie Gowdie, and she is a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex

[@anthonyszymon3032]

@@nancysainhigh1354 Thank you for this valuable information,i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@lisasummers1163]

Hahahahahaha

[@amyloves9940]

Congratulations on your blue belt, Matthew! I'm a blue belt, and I haven't trained in 5 months bc I partially tore my ACL from someone incorrectly judo throwing me. I miss it though! It's a great mindset game of an athletic martial art, and shows you strengths and confidence you didn't know you had. Jiu-jitsu also helped give me some push to love myself of things I didn't know or didn't think I could do before.

[@mellmoi7571]

Great self empowering advice.👏🏾👏🏾

[@aacreations17]

This was awesome!

[@Mytown2024]

I love it! Thank you so mych❤

[@arcuda2001]

really loved this so much!!! thank you for such wonderful insights and thought provoking conversation!! healthy happy and loving new year to you .. thanks again.. Norakag ..

[@LotusSun639]

I really enjoyed this interview. I really like simply put into one sentence to ask yourself….does this person align with what matters to you! Brilliantly put! Thank you for sharing!!

[@annwrog]

This is just about the most perfect podcast ever. It covers everything I ever thought about in the "struggling to find a relationship" department! Everything that was said seems to be speaking directly to me. Keep up the good work!

[@annwrog]

It is motivating and inspiring me to keep on moving forward.

[@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247]

Wow! This is so good! Love it! ❤️

[@35pri2ish]

Wowwww brilliant. I need this. 🙏

[@vosgita]

Thank you so much for this debate! ❤ I never had kids. My mother had four, and even when I was a child I was more mature than she was. I still am more mature than she. Life isn’t just black and white.

[@buddy4972]

Ma'am, how can I be more mature? I mean I am the kind of person who is more emotional to the extent that no one can bear with me. People have distanced themselves because of this nature of mine.

[@pppmanly]

Matt - Thanks for having Humble the Poet on the show! This is the first time I am watching a full interview with him, and this was an EXCELLENT conversation! 👏🏽👏🏽1:09:14 "She was full-bottle-of-shampoo-in-her-checked-luggage and what-is-a-speeding-ticket? pretty" - That was such a brilliant and funny way to express that concept, and I totally get it. 😃

[@MysteryUnfold]

The second half of the interview was the best.

[@FDouglas1895]

This is a profoundly deep, insightful and informative conversation.

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

It's interesting, I find reframing having a list of "this is who I want my partner to look" that manifestation tells you to be precise about and instead just go by how you want to feel and that's to "be attracted" which is a more vague, open and healthy way to see it. It's a bit foolish to think that physical attractiveness doesn't matter at all, though it certainly doesn't matter for everyone or matters to varying degree but don't try to date people you're just repulsed by either but sometimes physical attraction can grow!

[@MrSpudnik59]

Thankyou Matthew ❤❤

[@adrienblanquart3569]

Probably the most interesting video so far

[@annieregol5243]

we do not have to have all the same path, selflessness isnt the pinacle of life... you dont have to have children to be the best of who you are, but it is true having children does change you... my way of seeing it is more like having a mirror put in your face... selflessness will be reflected on you but also many other things that belong to each and everyone of us...but lets not judge, it doesnt mean parenthood makes us better ( actually not many inspiring ones out there ...

[@Natallou55]

Matthew asks brilliant questions

[@biti9811]

Thank you for this amazing interview!

[@SJ-zg1xn]

Wow great !

[@marijehiemstra6454]

Is it going to be on spotify as well? A lot of commercials here and I really like the conversation!

[@TR6-2.0]

“Oshi Shinobu” 🙏🏽 - congrats on the Blue Belt ✊🏽.

[@blancaseleneespinosa3093]

Some people might confuse self love with being conceded?

[@ebony2413]

Phenomenal! 🙌🏾🎤🔥💃

[@nardabramer]

I was literally looking at myself naked in the mirror when humble the poet asked “ when was the last time you looked at yourself naked in the mirror ?” And complimented yourself . I had also given a compliment of a friend smile on social media this morning! Synch🤯💥..

[@lisasummers1163]

You need a therapist, badly!

[@fairlyknute]

Humble, you briefly bring up building resilience, but how do I do that? You state that "convenience is an attack on our resilience," but if I'm trying to build my self-respect by keeping my intentions, shouldn't I be making baby steps that I can definitely achieve? If so, how do I make sure I'm not taking it too easy and breaking down my resilience?