How Warped Perception Ends Relationships - Love Is Blind S3 Zanab & Cole

[@NeidaTeresa]

I don’t think Zanab is a monster I think she just has a lot problems that haven’t been dealt with. She’s clearly had a hard life and Cole’s happy go lucky pie in the sky attitude was triggering her. I honestly feel like Love is Blind should give the couples counseling when they leave the pods because so many of the couples were struggling with stuff that had nothing to do with their partners and everything to do with their baggage from before

[@somniatheshow]

A hard life does not give you a free pass to be constantly negative, tear others down (in punishment), withhold information, sulk and then try to character assassinate them on TV to the world. I had a horribly hard life & its made me MORE empathic, more careful, and more aware of peoples actions on others. It makes me very angry when people get to excuse their behaviour on their past. It might be the reason, but its not a good enough reason to get away with it, justify it, not address it & carry on being shitty. They need to be called out, not babies and allowed to run wild hurting others because they "have problems", and to have therapy as you say. Its not a "just" - her lashing out was wrong. Period.

[@downgoesfrazier858]

Wow I can’t believe people still try to find a excuse for her what she did was very wrong regardless of past trauma that doesn’t give anyone a pass to treat somebody else like trash

[@thisishowitallends9321]

@@downgoesfrazier858 Cole treated her like trash on the camera right off the bat. Just because a dude squeezed out a few tears doesn’t automatically turn him into blameless victim

[@kofireeves-miller547]

@@thisishowitallends9321 Come on man however long it’s been since their actual relationship and Zanab is still posting shit about Cole and trying to run his name through the mud even after she “forgave him” at the alter. Weird behavior. Delusional and vindictive. Cole ain’t perfect but looks like a saint next to her

[@NN-re7cy]

@@lv2756 100% 🎯 spot on. After having broken up my narcissistic ex, once you see it, you can't unsee it.

[@NawiTheCore]

Zanab is DELUSIONAL. She truly thought that the "cuties" scene would show how Cole was restricting her food intake, when the OPPOSITE was shown: they were snacking together, he was talking about the huge meal they'd eat in 2 hours, and he was surprised when she told him she had only eaten a banana and wondered why she hadn't eaten the poke bowl he offered. How could she interpret THAT as him trying to make her eat less so she'd be thinner? It's insane.

[@CaulkMongler]

That scene is literally mind blowing to me, and I wish it was called out at the time. It reminds me of so many people I’ve come across in my life where anything bad that happens to them is because of other people, and everything good they have is simply through their own labors. They can’t take accountability for anything bad that happens to them. It’s gross

[@jr5557]

It’s is really giving Alexis and Colby. When she insisted that he call her unattractive when he just said he wasn’t attracted to her. Not nice to hear but very different things

[@mistermistyeye9218]

@@jr5557 she also asked him to explain why he didn’t see a future with her and he was just honest and she didn’t like that. Similar to how Zanzibar asked Cole to rate him, which is such an immature thing to to in the first place, but when he responded (yes, very insensitively and uncalled for as well as in a show of lacking emotional intelligence; if your asks you if you find anyone else pretty than her you’re obviously supposed to say no whether you believe it or not bozo cause she’s not asking for a statistical analysis she’s asking for a compliment and proof of affection for her but I digress) when he responded in a way she didn’t like she took that to men he hated how she looked which he emphatically stated was not the case then from then on just ran with that narrative and twisted everything he said thereafter to reflect her own preexisting self image issues

[@asarishepard8171]

Omg, ty. I've seen videos where people defended her crap! Love may be blind but we are not, we have eyes, we can see what happened.

[@titus5920]

he asked if she didn't eat because she was "trying to get wedding dress bod". He was also eating too but didn't see an issue with that affecting HIS "appetito", just hers.

[@nykia31]

I think she's a monster. To go from that prayer to then a complete 180 was utterly psychotic to me. Cole broke down because he was questioning his own sanity. He felt like he was experiencing an alternate reality and everyone was taking Zanab's version of events as gospel.

[@TheDarkness1]

Anyone that relies on prayer and virtue signaling, does not live in reality. It's victim mentality on a false belief.

[@adam4180west]

She destroyed that poor guy into questioning himself she is a monster

[@saltandpepperandmint]

@@TheDarkness1 that is not true, everyone is different

[@amariebloom]

@@adam4180west she did not destroy him

[@regularity2556]

​@@amariebloom only because netflix aired the cuties footage. If they didn't, then people would believe zanabs version of events, and she said he's a monster

[@ymdroid73]

This was a very good balanced take. I think Zanab’s insecurities make her genuinely hear insults from Cole when they aren’t there. His earlier comments about Colleen likely stuck with her a lot longer than he thought they did and colored her entire perception of little things he said to her.

[@luxbeauty4952]

They were there. Please grow up. If you accept toxicity like this you’ll be sorry and unhappy. Women don’t understand men like men do. Cole was cruel and so was batis. But Nancy coddled him. You gotta do better

[@ymdroid73]

@@luxbeauty4952 to a viewer who saw him offer her something to eat before saying they'd be eating in a few hours anyway, there was not an insult in that instance. Maybe he'd said other things, but this was not a Shake situation where he was putting Zanab down to the other guys and constantly trashing her off camera. I don't agree with people calling Zanab a monster, villain or a liar though. I think Cole opened up some serious insecurities with her when he was fawning over Colleen, and from that point on she took comments from him as insulting even if they weren't. I think she honestly believes she was being insulted. As an outside observer Cole definitely acted immature and annoying, but not insulting. Bartise was openly insulting to Nancy under guise of honesty and I really wish she would have given him the speech Zanab gave Cole.

[@luxbeauty4952]

@@ymdroid73 he was being disrespectful because she can snack on an ORANGE 🍊. It was a mini one at that. Who can get full off it? It wasn’t even like fries and people eat three times a day. She had no meals that day. And he said he offered her a poke bowl which she didn’t want because she ate it prior the night before. He was all in her face about it because he’s a jerk. If he really didn’t care what she eats why mention it? It was an ORANGE 🍊 A SMALL ONE

[@Daveyjonesvi]

@@luxbeauty4952 you’re honestly delusional

[@luxbeauty4952]

@@Daveyjonesvi so was your mom

[@CaylasCapsule]

I’m an INFP, so I also have Fi and Si. Before I went to therapy, I would assume that the things people said had deeper unsaid meanings because I’m careful with my words. Therapy taught me that not everyone is so careful with words, so I should ask for clarification directly whenever I got into the “reading into things” mindset. For Zanab, I hope she goes to therapy to practice asking for clarification. For Cole, I hope he practices speaking more clearly so that his meaning can’t be so easily misconstrued.

[@mahoganysoul7195]

I'm infj , I think I do that " assume that things people said had deeper unsaid meaning ".

[@Whoisceleste]

Wow! I’m an infp and this is so accurate for me thanks for this insight

[@oc2538]

I'm an INFP and am terrible at this too. Mind you I have learnt to say "Sorry I didn't hear you correctly, can you say that again." and sometimes people will say it the same way. Then I have to say "So you mean this and this." And if they keep saying yes, and I say that hurts me. Yet often they will tell me "Don't take it personally, it's just an opinion." 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have a feeling with Cole even if she tried to get clarification he'd probably keep at it.

[@CaylasCapsule]

@@mahoganysoul7195 That’s interesting. INFJ’s share none of the cognitive functions of INFP’s. Possibly different processes, same results? Or you could be like me when I was younger: I thought I was an INFJ for years until I learned more about the cognitive functions.

[@CaylasCapsule]

@@oc2538 It’s possible that Cole would keep at it, but the only person you can control is yourself. Asking for clarification isn’t necessarily about getting the other person to change; it’s about getting clarity for yourself that the way you see things internally matches with the world around you.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

There was so much barely concealed rage simmering under the surface with Zanab all the time. It made me very uncomfortable, because with people like her, you can't just directly ask 'what's wrong' because they would lie and say they are fine. So it place the partner in this constant state of unease and no way to diffuse it.

[@s.s.5106]

So glad you’re back. Your videos are always insightful and astute. Zanab’s conviction made her perspective so believable. Cole’s staunch denial was also convincing so I was not sure who to believe. I’m so glad Netflix included that scene with the cutie tangerines. I was so ready to blame Cole, but I did not see any fault in his words or actions. That made Zanab seem like an unreasonable source. Your take on this explains so much.

[@DrCherieTypes]

It is rarely Right Or Wrong in relationships. It tends to be a two-way street when you dig deeper into the reasons behind the behaviour, rather than judging only the behaviour itself.

[@calvinwilson3617]

Your insight into why cole asked zanab if she was bipolar really seems spot on. Every time he is sad she acts compassionate, and every time he seems to be giddy she seems to find some way to knock him down a peg. I definitely saw her shift in interactions but never connected it to the "equalizer" that you described. Appreciate the insight.

[@andrewd5482]

I learned something new about that too. When I’m down that’s when she comforts me but when I joke or having a good time, she starts an argument and accuses me of bs

[@bdazzld]

He seemed so excited about the dinner too. Poor guy :(

[@archipiratta]

I honestly wish Zanab or someone close to her watches this and helps her with her issues. Her insecurities are holding her back sadly

[@antuanwallace7665]

I agree with the assessment that Cole's statements early on really cut deep for her and she never got past that, but I also think she carried some kind of trauma or insecurity with her weight and looks into this situation. She is a woman of color, being raised by white people in a what I presume to be a predominately white area which probably skewed her own self image. Col's insensitive words immediately put her in competition with Colleen, who is younger and probably in her eyes more physically fit or pleasing than she would have liked. This colored her perceptions of his words from then on, and Cole deserves to be dragged for being thoughtless but not the outcome, or the way she said no. She could have just said no and then had a private discussion about that with Cole but she wanted an audience and that is the part that irks me, she wanted as others have noted elsewhere a Deepti moment and this was not it. As we saw with the Cuties incident, she really took a very negative outlook on what seemed like a pretty normal conversation. Cole was genuinely surprised she was not eating and showed genuine concern for her. He was a jerk but not a thoughtless or callous one, and it showed that his concern for her was not due to her weight or body issues but simply that she was starving herself. He cared, but the damage was done so early on, that I don't think there was any moment of recovery.

[@msf8750]

The other girls likely started to see Cole in a bad light when he started doing his rounds telling everyone that Zanab wasn’t physically his type and that Colleen was better than her. That probably tarnished his image for them and they felt they needed to be on her side and loyal.

[@rhondareid1972]

But viewers seem to forget that. No one is saying Zanab is perfect but in my opinion I believe her about the food issue. Cole is a grown man, he knows 2 cuties aren't going to ruin her appetite. Then the hand gestures he was making were more like he was talking about a body and not a reference to a lot of food. Where's all the smoke for what Cole said and did early on in the episodes. Stop being mean and rude to people then try to dictate how they react. #CauseAndEffect

[@marlamoreno2739]

@@rhondareid1972 he literally said "you better save your appetito! I'm talking like (hand gestures) a big ol' sucker tonight" thats word for word and watched it with closed captioning what he said...as in a big spread/food/dinner. Then went on to question "why" she only had a banana that day. He was definitely immature and clearly didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. But she too has a lot of internal issue she needs to work on that she projected and targeted him for. They should have NEVER been together...ended up doing more damage than good

[@_crusoe]

@@marlamoreno2739 he then asked if she wasn't eating so she could get "wedding dress bod". Whether he is aware of the impact of his words or not, let's not pretend like he hasn't frequently mentioned her weight, body type, joking about "fattening yourself up" etc.

[@dawntaylor8749]

Alexa did rounds after Cole spoke to her in the pool. She was loving hearing the tea. She said that on camera.

[@lez2884]

I so agree. I also thought Cole did not like her size. Plus on the beach when they were eating early on she says are you trying to fatten me up (in a very jovial joking manner because she was having a lot of fun with him), he says you are fattening yourself up. That was literally the worse response after you had just been intimate for the first time. Then from that point on she was very uncomfortable with her body around him. She would not take her cover up off and get in the water. Versus her being very comfortable with the other ladies at the bachelorette party in the pool. Plus I agree him making those rounds talking about her unprompted ruined his relationship with the women especially Alexa. It triggered her because she she was probably concerned about that coming into the show being a little larger than than the other contestants. Cutie scene to me happened just like she perceived it.

[@RoopaDudleyPaintings]

My sister is an ISTJ. She is never happy for me when things are good in my life. But the moment things go wrong, she tries to let me know that things will work out. Having her in my life (she is 8 years older) I learned to monitor my feelings - never share happy news or sad news because I know I will hear something that will only make me regret saying anything.

[@TheDarkness1]

A family member that can't be happy for you when things are going good for you live on the neurotic spectrum. If she's not happy, nobody should be, and misery loves company.

[@anniem2777]

That’s nothing to do with being an ISTJ. She’s just a toxic person. I’m an INFP, but I’ve known very nice ISTJs. I actually am biased against INFJs because I’ve had bad experiences with a couple of them, but that doesn’t mean all INFJs are horrible. Everyone is individual and MBTI is just a way to put people in boxes

[@DrCherieTypes]

There’s a big difference between friends of ISTJs or being a family member of one. When it comes to family they love to sharpen you into a weapon of “success” like a grindstone to a blade. But they can’t provide the emotional support. This will break down the relationship. Everyone are individuals and so are their situations but what I have observed from 100s of consultations is that people have natural tendencies on how they communicate. What they say is from their upbringing and current situation.

[@DrCherieTypes]

I have noticed this pattern in ISTJs “ I have suffered, and survived, so they should too” They believe surviving pain is one way to lead to reward or respect. Fe doms on the other hand support people emotionally no matter how much suffering they experienced themselves. Perhaps ISTJs who have suffered believe this is life so “let’s expedite it”.

[@Vim-eo2zy]

​@@anniem2777But it's a pattern with the ISTJs

[@daniellewalker256]

I think Cole is just not very emotionally intelligent, or at least wasn’t at the moment that he said those things about Colleen and the bipolar comments. I also think that he had just made a huge life decision after like ONE WEEK of knowing someone. I think it would be really normal to doubt yourself and your decision in that moment and I also think that you can absolutely grow to find someone more attractive after spending time with them and it seems like that’s what happened. He just reacted in the moment and freaked out but once he had some time to get comfortable he really did fall in love with her and I really believe that. I feel sad for Zanab that her self worth is that low that she was able to interpret things in such a terrible way. I’m sure that was very real for her.

[@somniatheshow]

Thank you for this! What disturbed me the MOST and I'm wondering why I'm not seeing anyone comment on - Is what you touched on in the tangerine story: He was trying to find a way to have her family included (bc she made such a big deal of it, even though her adopted mother was actually there) - And all she initially did was give big NO energy... like oh no wayyyy too hard, would have to a world tour... Then he suggests at least the people in England?? (still trying to do something nice & looking for yes energy), instead of being thankful of his efforts, just No no no Too hard from her - Until he questions further, then suddenly it flips to being actually NOT that hard to get all the aunts, cousins etc together where her mother is. Ummm that instant flip really bothered me. Flip in information, no flip in attitude. So so negative all the way. Meanwhile, then she also ADMITS to not bothering to properly listen to him. Its just so so gross. Instead she focuses on how to be more negative.

[@lillies2011]

This was the most intellectual and well articulated review of Zanab and Cole that I have seen. Subscribed! Zanab has single handedly ostracised any potential guy to come near her. Regardless of the reason, what she did was mean.

[@ilovepiedoyou2]

I have a friend that often has completely different recounts of what happened in our conversations. We often get in arguments over specific words that were said, and he often accuses me of saying things I know for sure I’ve never said. Watching this season honestly helped me SO much in understanding why he could have such vastly different experiences from me. I used to think he was just a pathological liar but I think his perception is just very far off from reality.

[@tjortaraja]

This is one of the best crits of the situation I’ve seen. Perceptions will definitely affect how we receive information. Hope that They both get therapy.

[@adam4180west]

I think NETFLIX and Nick and Vanessa Lachey owe COLE an apology

[@jennyjenny3531]

Agreed

[@magourn]

Fully agree!, my heart goes out to him. Z needs therapy.

[@boondoggled1]

100%

[@godlovesyoumorethanyoucane4239]

I agree with this

[@peachyy666]

I dont like Cole very much but there were plenty of examples in the show where Zanab seemingly decided to view things negative so that she could create a fight or be victimized.

[@outdoorschick]

One thing that bothers me is the several times she was upset that her parents passed, and didn't acknowledge the non biological parent who stayed with her, and was her Mom for so many years, she didn't thank her (at least what they filmed) for being there for her.

[@jkim8345]

😅

[@wintyforever]

I agree. And her stepmom seems very well aware that she will never be acknowledged as she deserves. That woman is a Saint.

[@theflowergirls7023]

I love your analysis... I agree completely of your assessment. I felt the same way. Early on Z didn't like that she was rated a 9 instead of a 10. She couldn't get past that, and comments that C made in the days to follow just added on to that. On his end, he wasn't tactful at the start, which made it unfortunate for both of them, because she couldn't see the progress he made.

[@yeahumok]

This was so good and informative. I felt terrible for Cole (like many of us) and immediately thought of coming to your channel to get a Zay breakdown so I can try to build some compassion around her perception of their relationship.

[@mistermistyeye9218]

As if Netflix would pass up on the opportunity to make a crazy villain out of Cole to make drama! Even if it was SLIGHTLY offensive they would’ve included it because it would drive the viewers crazy = crazy high views!! It’s simple economics

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

Saying ISTJs are 'equalizers' is brilliant and blew my mind. That explains so much from my personal relationships.

[@Bwoood]

BRO I was so worried everyone was still gonna be on her side. IM SO GLAD they had the cuties clip at the end . Her just projecting her own insecurities on him and making him out to be a monster

[@andrewd5482]

I was in Cole’s shoes for 6 months. I know what he went through. I know why he was confused, felt guilty, and crying at the reunion. It’s absolute hell dealing with someone with insecurities and other mental issues

[@beebee3624]

I'm late to this video but I agree that Cole made Insensitive comments about his attraction to Colleen that quite naturally put Zanab on an insecure path ( that was, in addition, built upon other issues before Cole). Cole started this path in their relationship so she intertwined it into every conversation about food. Zanab was confusing at times, and when Cole was kind and was trying to work through things done in the past, she was still holding on to the past. These two should not have stayed together.

[@Tachouz]

I completely understood what Cole meant when he asked Zainab if she was bipolar. He wasn't trying to be mean but trying to understand what the hell is wrong with her because she kept dramatizing everything. You could see on Cole's face how surprised he was by what Zainab was accusing him of. No wonder some men think women are crazy and emotional. Glad they showed that clip at the end of the reunion. They should have shown it during the reunion though. It might have helped Zainab see how she can be delusional to the point of destroying someone's reputation.

[@Tachouz]

@@carysparks4415 You should try to put aside whatever it is about my comment that has triggered you and actually read it again. I never implied that "One woman on tv is enough to make men think women are delusional"

[@bubullibooooo9928]

​@@Tachouz Are you gonna overlook the constant comments Cole made about Zanabs body size and how much she eats? Or how he kept saying she wasn't his type? He kept praising Colleen over the woman he allegedly loved? I think Cole wasn't attracted to Zanab.... You seem to dismiss Cole's actions and go to the misogynistic "woman are crazy" explanation.... He was insensitive and immature af...

[@bubullibooooo9928]

​@@Tachouz What was wrong with her is that she realised AFTER sex that he wasn't attracted to her....

[@SafiMystic]

Something about her talking about Cole being this awful person, I already was turned off by Zanab. And I wish the other women around didn't just accept what she was saying and going off on how awful Cole is, when they didn't see anything or gather any information apart from getting stories via Zanab. Just wow. This just reminded me of how hateful she was on Wedding day. As much as I understand her concerns while they were together, she's very exhausting in more ways than Cole was. At least he was honest and upfront about who he is.

[@WhyYesIAmABich]

They were saying they saw things he did but it didnt air and they know the real story

[@NeverEnough1]

@@WhyYesIAmABich My question is why did everyone else's messiness get shown, but the stuff they are talking about with Cole did not? These shows LOVE drama. What reason would they have to protect Cole? I am inclined not to believe Zanab's messy friends either. Just like Zanab , all they can say is vague stuff: e.g. "You know what you did Cole." If you're it going to say what he did, then shut up.

[@msf8750]

@@NeverEnough1 do you think they’re being filmed 24/7? No. Even the S2 cast said the producers left out a lot of footage so whatever we’re shown is a curated view of everyone’s story thanks to Netflix. I’d think the cast actually behind the scenes would have a more accurate perspective than what the audience sees and it says a lot that the girls and even Brennon are backing her up.

[@NeverEnough1]

@@msf8750 I know it is a. Edited version, but again. How come, in spite of editing, we see everyone else's issues, but not the things she says about Cole? Colleen is with a potential abuser, Nancy is head over heels for someone who verbally and mentally abused her, Brennen on can't see past Alexa and of course her girls are going to stand up for her with her skewed version of events. Doesn't mean anything. The clip the producers DID show is more in favour of Cole than Zanab and here you are, still believing her when she has been the one putting HIM down at the drop of a hat. You don't believe she is messy when it is in front of your eyes but are willing to believe things unseen just because she said so

[@jtmz87]

I tried to look at it from her side but she didn’t make sense to me. How can Cole be a good guy, her words, but also body shamed her, policed her eating, plus try to kiss a girl a day before the wedding. That’s the definition of an awful individual. She so happy to have gone through this experience with Cole but he completely destroyed her self-confidence. I was and Cole was like why would you put yourself through that. Cole was the only one who told the truth, this experience was terrible for him because he hurt someone why would he ever do it again.

[@michellegrantvaughn1561]

This was such a great analysis!!! Before watching this video I had very little compassion for Zanab but Dr Cherie, your analysis of her behavior through understanding her personality type- and Cole’s- creates compassion. That is the beauty of understanding one’s own personality type and that of significant other people in one’s life. Could make for more peaceful relationships 💙 love it!!!

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thank you Michelle 😊 I’m glad the point of compassion came across

[@kimikochele]

It’s the first video I saw from your channel, but I feel I have to tell you what a great teacher you are! Thank you!!

[@jaimepereda8711]

Great analysis and breakdown of the interactions and thank you for pointing out that the hosts didn't address the way that Zeneb said no at the altar, Bartis brought it up but Vanessa stated that girls support each other instead of really addressing it. Felt like the hosts and other casts were all agreeing with Zeneb and not being honest with their opinions. Even the guys that knew that they all went home after the bachelor party questioned their actions that night instead of agreeing that there were NO women at the bachelor party and they all went home.

[@Lenastar23]

I believe once she spoke to the other ppl and decided she was “too good” for him. She decided she was going to be the ‘Deepti’ of this season

[@Bwoood]

TRUTH

[@Lenastar23]

@@57andstillkicking wow thats crazy - i still think she knew how she was going to come off and tried to flip the script

[@Megz129]

She definetely is an ISTJ but I also believe she is Narcissistic. They tend to "punish" you when ur being too happy and chirpy and when u are sad and down they "reward" you with love. Conditioning ur brain ro release cortisol (which is the bad hormone causing stress) because that is when the narcissistic individual rewards you. This is what im seeing happening with Cole. I noticed him saying he wont be dating anytime soon. This is very common in people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Otherwise he would be out there lining up girls like Bartise. I wish Zay took accountability coz then I would not lean towards her being narcissistic, but she did not. She had a year and a half to reflect before this reunion yet she still comes back with exactly the same narrative. She did not apologise for her side of things. She pre meditated that speech at the wedding. It was her payback for feeling hurt by what he said. I understand her hurt and that she did that but she should have apologised for doing that and be honest she did it because she was so hurt yet she is lying that she didnt pre plan it. Both were at fault at the end of the day.

[@mayra8358]

You’re so right I didn’t think about the year before the reunion. If I had a year before meeting someone again with the way I treated them I wouldn’t be so aggressive like her. I really hate how she said all those things about Cole, she shows lack of respect for Cole and frankly everyone else there because that’s not comfortable for the families to hear and it just leaves a bad taste in my opinion. Matt and Zanab should have matched 😂

[@Megz129]

@@mayra8358 Matt and Zanab Imagine that. 2 vibe killers🤣 Cole and Colleen I can see would have worked out. Poor Colleen just looked anxious and not her usual bubbly self

[@no-thanks]

Narcissist don’t like to be embarrassed. Believe me, she wouldn’t try to embarrass herself to shame him.

[@unicornL]

I feel like Zanab started showing the difference as soon as they were in Mexico- like the first morning. And she really never confronted what pissed her off....and then got angry over smaller things- like the difference between great and really good- which is basically the same thing. It's so sad

[@victoriaberries4324]

That's a great and very clear explanation! I've gone through me spoiling my relationships with my own interpretation of every situation myself. it caused me lots of unnecessary pain and I left it broken in pieces from inside. when years later I managed to look back and see those situations from another perspective, even found the chats what did hurt me in the moment and reread them through - they were not that bad at all. I could see myself in this couple story. And your professional read is very true and very helpful to understand such behavior deeply. THX

[@manifestmoves]

I just watched it. INTP here. Excellent explanation. I think Zanab was triggered and set out on a path to make it clear that Cole had bad taste - in all things. It was her way of proving to herself that Colleen couldn't possibly be prettier than her. (An opinion I agree with, but perceptions of beauty are subjective). That's why she fixated on his ignorance to proper wine glasses and "white unseasoned chicken." Everything tied back to his initial expressed preference for a white girl-next-door vs. Zanab's more exotic beauty. There was a lot of ego here, and I can appreciate that as I have been that way when vibrating low. Ironically, I think Cole was actually overwhelmed by Zanab from the beginning and fumbled into insulting her instead of accepting that he'd actually gotten a "catch of the century" (had she not been so mean). He could have never predicted how her ego would have taken his "upward comparison" to Colleen, because he is a simple guy who has probably dated equally simple girls in the past. Just a bad match.

[@andrewd5482]

Not mean. Evil. Who tf says that stuff at a wedding in front of family and friends. Psycho

[@AiriniMustapa]

Dr Cherie. You just gave me my closure. Thank you so much!

[@TheDarkness1]

Love isn't blind....those that don't love themselves are blind to love and don't feel worthy of it. The system is what skews what love should actually be. It's not about money, but rather a connection between the male and female dynamic.

[@miaduana]

Totally quoting that first statement..

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

This was another great analysis, thank you so much for your insight!

[@Aimee1-11-1]

This was so interesting to me. I could see myself in Zanab, but I didn't realize at the time that she was an ISTJ as well. Your analysis made a lot of sense - blind spots. I totally have them as well as having different interpretations of events. Everyone is out to get me sometimes. In regards to being an equalizer, I do it because I can't match the energy. I feel uncomfortable in that space. I don't do it to bring someone down. It just doesn't feel natural. Wish it did.

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thank you for sharing your personal insight.

[@TheSnugglery]

As an ISTJ, I really appreciated this analysis! Not a lot of mbti youtubers go deep into our type. I hope that zanab learns to have a more nuanced approach to her own emotions and is better able to make sense of them. I never heard of the emotional equalizing thing. I totally do that 🤣 it's so weird. I'm so thankful I married an intuitive type (intp to be exact 😉) who would never leave my Ne inferior ass hanging out there with context-less statements like "you're a 9 out of 10." Or "you're fattening yourself up." I think this is just as much a bad intuition story as it is a thinking/feeling story. Someone desprately trying to piece together a narrative while someone else is unaware of the picture they're painting with the sum of their statements. We sensors really need someone around who knows what the heck is going on or we'll narrative eachother to death 🤪

[@TheDarkness1]

There are healthy and neurotic of each type, but it sounds like your partner has emotional maturity which is one of the most important traits.

[@no-thanks]

This a “He/She is a 10 but lacks Fe” cautionary tale. Too bad they looked great together. Zanab is a 10 so I don’t even know what he was thinking when he said anything less…

[@lez2884]

@@no-thanks Agree 100%. I think they looked great together too. Plus I think they could have worked together if a few things did not happen early in their relationship. I think she loved him from day 1 no doubts in her mind. He really fell for her over time, she could not see it because she was really hurt early on. She had crafted her narrative he was not attracted to her. Really think if they had couples therapy through this process they would have made it.

[@s.melonita4454]

I just got this in my recommended and thank you KZbin algorithm. Sometimes you work just right! I absolutely share your opinion and did so before watching that "evidence footage" as well. From the beginning I noticed her distortion. Thank you! Subbed!

[@crimsonredslayer4926]

Her insecurity is the monster she tries to make him out to be

[@helloterra34]

Been waiting for this! Also waiting for the day when someone with my type shows up on a show but that'll probably never happen lol

[@jubileelikayi3649]

honestly the only video where i don’t agree with. his comments don’t come out because he’s dumb & not thinking, he’s shallow. he keeps telling this girl in 100 and 10 different ways on how he’s not attracted to her.

[@dawn6954]

Your view is the best overview so far! Well done❤

[@quorraquar2677]

I clicked so fast... ✨💜✨

[@HoneyBlissClothing]

ME TOO!! I was waiting for her to upload about this!

[@Jenny-vm3yu]

My father also perceives reality differently from others and is ISTJ. Even when I’ve been present at the same event, others and myself remember it differently to him. I just accepted this is how my dad is and find humour in it. An example is he sees things my mother does through a malicious lense and assigns her negative intentions that aren’t there (they are divorced). For example, by believing that she threatened to snoop on him, when she simply asked where an item was. I also have my own biases but mine can be warped by another person’s emotion e.g. I was biased to Zanab’s side fully initially. Because her emotion and genuine belief that Cole was controlling and body shaming her. This triggered me because I had an ex do this to me in the past. It made me immediately take her side and empathise with her. The same thing happened with Nancy and Bartise. I also initially sided with my father in the divorce because he said things with such conviction about incidents where I wasn’t there. It was only when I got older that I learnt my dad has a truly different perception of events. You’re also right about the ISTJ being the equaliser of emotions. To bring you up or down. Whereas a Fe dominant type will rise or fall emotionally based simply on the emotion of the person they are talking to. The ISTJ subconsciously brings the person they are talking to middle ground, regardless of whether the person is happy or sad.

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thanks for sharing this it made me realize that the warped perception on people’s intentions is their inferior Ne under stress.

[@gizmit420]

Cole and Zanab was extremely difficult and triggering to watch. She is 100% a narcissist. I saw a lot of my own personality traits within cole, speaking without thinking and being so bubbly. Zanab was just like my ex husband. When you mentioned how she is an equalizer, that hit home. Narcissists will completely drain the happiness and joy out of your life and then pat your back and comfort you. That gave me the shivers to listen to.

[@innny8536]

It could be that she maliciously and intentionally twisted Cole’s words around to hurt him and have others side with her and it wasn’t just her perception. The way she try to embarrass him at the wedding, she is not a victim. Dangerous person she could’ve ruined his reputation on national TV.

[@braveheartedlion]

I think I have a completely different view of those earlier interactions than most people lol.

[@ayssjuly]

can you please explain the types and blindspot and the other terms you used?! seems super information and useful

[@tarynriver]

Wow this was so interesting your opinion is so level headed and in depth please continue to make vids like this cause it was great

[@fabibibine]

Sometimes humans are just too complicated 😤🙄

[@Helloo_oo]

This was such a good assessment,,, I've watched the whole video 👏👏👏

[@the1stcalling]

It's interesting thinking about the Fe Blindspot in particular because I find they try to compensate for this by seeking council from multiple people to affirm their introverted feeling and whether it's acceptable to socially feel. And I don't say that as disparagingly either, it's just interesting to pair this with Zanab's case because it does lean into how she values that social value so much, and given her history, why one fault in a partner could really tarnish the entire relationship because she will go to others, tell her side through her lens, and only confirm her tinted glasses because she won't challenge the echo chamber. She values her council too highly to think to challenge them. And it's interesting too because ultimately, all the ladies confirm her feelings in the reunion based on what she's told them, and even with the clapping as you noted briefly, it's all in her design, but only because this has been the safety net and the points of security she feels when so much of her life has been out of her control and hands. Her friends and limited family are all she's got, so of course they will support whatever she feels no matter how extreme it may be. It's just really terrible, honestly. They really are both victims here because Zanab would be prone to sabotage her own joy unknowingly and Cole would know no better because he is ignorant of how much that pain in her echoed for her and still continues to no matter how much she may say she's over it. She's clearly not.

[@DrCherieTypes]

What you said is so on point. I think a lot of relationships need an “interpreter” to decipher what’s really going on

[@the1stcalling]

@@DrCherieTypes definitely. Unless folks can foster more differentiated conversations independently, the need for a facilitator is crucial. They'll tear each other apart otherwise.

[@andianderson3017]

I had an ISTJ room mate in college. I adored her and sometimes things could go so ridiculously sideways and it was confusing. This was eerie.

[@LizNeptune]

Gracious Zanab! She still, to this day, won't admit what she did was wrong. All she says is, "didn't you hear any of the nice things I said?" Gaslighting, manipulative and spiteful.

[@melc8388]

I disagree with the hate and dislike against her! We will kno that he preferred colleen body type, the comments he made, that is his Type! Ofc Zanab will feel like a second choice, I realized throughout the season she hardly went in the pool...shes not comfortable with her body! That scene yes she made up stuff but I believe their are others scenes that we did not see. And yes I believe cole is veryyyy shallow being with a guy like that everything will be triggering

[@CaulkMongler]

Very interesting takes, glad the algorithm brought this video to me

[@raem7287]

This actually makes lots of sense. Im close to three ISTJs. My step mom, cousin, and boyfriend. I noticed that all of them see the world a little bit half empty and I understand why now.

[@DrCherieTypes]

how are you managing their expectations?

[@raem7287]

My cousin suffered from depression before because if some things in his life he had thoughts of suicide so I talked to him whenever he needed to vent out. He's doing a lot better now. My step mom....before and after her cancer diagnosis she's always been critical and angry about every little thing so it's not easy living with her. Luckily my boyfriend is more well balanced so his pessimistic views of life are manageable. Usually he sees the downside to things in life that's outside our relationship.

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your Mom’s cancer diagnosis. I found ISTJs are equalizers. Critical when you are fine, supportive when you are not. This logic suggests to act more depressed / anxious than they are. I’m half joking, but worth trying.

[@knowledgeacquisition9268]

I thought I had lost your youtube channel forever when I revamped my account. I am so happy that the algorithm remembered I would like someone like you!!

[@liestheytell]

What a nightmare. Feel bad for Cole. He’s probably traumatized and less trusting after that experience

[@Petruschkahjajah]

Very good and very interesting. I also wonder why they never pointed out her behaviour at the bachelor party when she shoves the money into the male dancers underpants. She would have slayed Cole for days if he did that an I wonder if her accusation that he tried to kiss another girl is her way of deflecting her own guilt about that night as she was intoxicated and another, way more wilder personality emerged. At the fitting of her wedding dress everyone was happy and she dropped their joy in a matter of minutes to a row of low faces. Her constant reminding her foster mother that her mom is not there - I am indeed sorry for her - but it seems as if she has taken this as something to manipulate the world around her from her victim perspective and almost want everyone around her to feel as low as she does. Cole has dodged a lifetime of someone chopping him down from below while he is feeling happy and extroverted and yes, childlike but not immature as I found him to be quite astute and observant in his own way. If Cole ended up with a lady that was interested in being happy with him he would have soared. I do agree that his keenness on Colleen was hurtful to Zanab and love how you explain everything so logically with amazing perspective and clarity and also empathy. Cole had a great time at the rodeo and was super happy within - it was sad to see him broken in the end. I hope he can return to that moment within and find his inner shine again. Also all the best to Zanab - after your explanation I feel sorry for her as well.

[@gabieella157]

Your awesome. Analysis was on point, hard truths rooted in practical thinking but still sympathetic, I think when I was watching Zanab and Cole I saw my last relationship in them not to the same extent but there’s a lot to learn from this. Thank you! ❤

[@medtle1]

All of the people quick to support cole and criticize zanab forgot that cole kept constantly telling zanab (and other people) that colleen is his type and that zanab was "not his type" and his second choice. Of course zanab was not going to be happy about that, especially as a woc (swana in her case; who can pass for white in certain situations) with body insecurities who already has to deal with people constantly comparing her to white women. No WOC likes it when they find out they were just the "exotic second choice" of their boyfriends (that are not the same race and/or ethnicity as them) used to help them "forget" or "get back" at the women (who are the same race and/or ethnicity as them) that rejected them. Colleen was white, younger, and thinner than zanab, and to cole, that was enough to rank colleen as more "attractive" than zanab (who physically doesn't look that different from colleen). Cole was sad that colleen rejected him, so he tried to use zanab (basically implied that he only saw her as an exotic tool based on her name) to forget about colleen and/or make colleen jealous. Combined with malnutrition and financial threats occurring behind the scenes, plus the way the show is set up, all of this could have been avoided if cole had not tried to use zanab as an "exotic fling" for the show. To cole, zanab was "exotic but too naggy" and not as "attractive" as white younger thinner colleen. To zanab, cole was just an immature white guy using her as an "exotic toy" to "get back" at colleen for rejecting him. [Cole is sort of similar to bartise, but not as d-baggey.]

[@BananaTPie]

That really happened with Shane and Shaina for sure. You can tell in the way Shaina fled during the After the Alter episode. Without explanation she wanted to get her man out of there because she was worried. I’m certain she kept him shielded/wasn’t forthcoming/he didn’t catch her from the messages Natalie was referring to. Shane said, “Show them.” As if it’s even possible to share HIS personal messages. Obviously only he could do that. He likely deleted them by then. The whole summarized conversation and situation Natalie described was exactly their dynamic. And she looked so so sad. Which doesn’t mean much, but she was so happy and carefree before (except for when Shane was being critical and bossy about how she shows love).

[@katec9893]

I disagree. Cole was constantly making comments about how Zanab wasn't his type, how he wasn't into her physically, how he preferred Colleen, and he even flirted with Colleen and told her that. He also made constant insensitive comments about her food and weight. Eventually it all gets too much and she sets him straight, then he turns around and is blindsided. He has no insight into how his comments were hurtful and shallow. The weirdest part is everyone suddenly thinking Zanab is this villain after they showed the cuties scene. I had an abusive ex who constantly made little quips about my food and weight, it's really not OK for a partner to talk like this.

[@eggspedient]

Your segment about Entitlement fits a friend of mine to a tee! I was wondering why she acted so entitled towards people (strangers and family alike) despite coming from a humble background. She is a successful woman and perceives that her achievements and treatment of people is deserving of a certain level of reciprocation, which she does not get because her actions are received differently in reality. I really didn't understand why she could think like this until your explanation, which is funny because she doesn't remind me of Zanab either 😆

[@DrCherieTypes]

People with the same personality type often manifest differently depending on HOW they use their functions, whether they are self aware, their maturity, their personal experiences. There are also groups of personality types that share the same functions but in a different order, so they’ll share some traits but not others :)

[@care4mycaregiver2022]

I really appreciate your thoughtful and fair analysis of these shows/videos and looking forward to watching more. 🤗

[@CoolStorySista1]

I had no idea I would watch this and figure out what’s going on with a family member of mine. She is ISTJ and my other family members and I go crazy trying to figure out how someone so presentable can be so delusional. This helped me so much. Plus, my heart broke for Cole at the wedding and reunion. I saw right through that girl lol I didn’t know how but maybe it’s because I grew up with ISTJ person.

[@angelmushahf]

Does anyone remember when Cole said that Raven and Colleen are 10s? And Zainab is a 9?

[@katec9893]

Everyone seems to have forgotten everything Cole said to Zanab that was hurtful and insensitive. It's bizarre.

[@lmichelle80sbaby]

Being a 9 isn't an insult. I get that it's not a 10 but it ain't a 5 either. Good lord! I just can't see why that's a hill to die on for him making her feel any kind of bad way. No one person is a 10 to everyone and looks aren't the only qualifier in a relationship

[@angelmushahf]

@@lmichelle80sbabyIn that setting, it can make or break a relationship for sure. They haven’t known each other for that long and your fiancé is already telling you that they find someone more attractive than you.

[@andrewd5482]

@@angelmushahfabsolutely, he should of lied. That’s what women prefer in that setting

[@neuman_adventures]

Love these. I have loved Myer's Briggs Personality theory for years and you are incrementally helping me use it better to better myself and understand others. I would be curious to eventually see a video of your story of how you became drawn to this theory and what your type is? Thank you!

[@carlycoppi4769]

I love Cole and i love everything you are saying and explaining ❤❤❤

[@enitacehic]

This was so insightful!

[@jeremysmith9694]

You know what i would love to see? I would love to hear from you what they could have done differently. How do two people in this relationship dynamic make it work? How do they overcome the difficulties they had? Is it possible? I've been in situations like this and i would honestly love to know how to successfully navigate it. How does someone like Zanab work through the blind spots she had and how does Cole adequately help in that situation. You may be one of the only people online I've found that could actually answer this question. Thank you!

[@madamecurious]

I do blame the other girls on the show! They were Zanab’s “flying monkeys”.

[@zaraloveskoda]

You are SO insightful! Glad I discovered your channel.

[@abacoejenks]

He really did talk a lot about her body though. Many waters make a flood. He has already laid the groundwork for this anxiety in her and this makes it possible for him to say something seemingly innocent in isolation, but the effect is a hurricane. Sorry. I disagree that she misinterprets the cuties scene. Who complains about two cuties will spoil dinner?

[@evelynmatt2000]

I think it goes deeper than that. She knew she was on camera. The statement where she said, I could tell you but I won’t . “ I think she was plotting to set him up at the end, all along. The fact that they didn’t air it made her mad. It was like I did all this work to set up this man. They didn’t air the scene I wanted. Am I right to think that Zanab is more manipulative than what others believe her to be?

[@STasugx]

This is exactly how I feel. My main problem with Zanab is the fact that she considered the optics of the situations and took advantage of it. Does she truly have her insecurities? Sure, but she manipulated the situation.

[@ValleyRose21]

The cuties story was the best ammo she had and it blew up in her face! Literally it was Alexa who brought it up first and she would have brought up the most out there story to back up her friend yet it was the most delusional story ever

[@whudang]

She needs therapy. Maybe due to childhood trauma. Cole isn‘t perfecr and did some not nice childish things but not like how she describes it. she gaslid him a lot.

[@andaredvex]

Oh wow, an MBTI-based analysis of LIB, how amazing! I've just found your channel as I'm a regular at another psychology channel (Psychology in Seattle) but I couldn't wait for Dr Kirk to finish his reaction series on S3. This was such an interesting take on Zanab and Cole's personalities, and their relationship dynamic. You've pointed out numerous things that make perfect sense and I wasn't even thinking of them until now. Gained a new subscriber. :)

[@-NiamhWitch-]

Loved this breakdown. Zanab drove me nuts.

[@verolucia2233]

I’m also istj personality and when I was Inmature I would have taken these events as Zanab, however now I see that Colleen is just a nice guy that was sincere when he commented she was not her first option. I would have left him then, or even gave him a change, but I would not react for every little thing with no harm in the way she did, she destroyed him in public.

[@rauliuxas]

I'm glad im high Se myself, i was able to see Zanab's b.s from a mile ago, these scenes made me so angry that she got away with so many things, and Cole being judged for while she's being supported for it. I'm glad that on the end of the reunion they exposed that little clip, it shows Cole wasn't what she made him out to be .

[@privacyservice6387]

I hope someone sends this to Zanab. It will provide valuable insight and help her heal.

[@e.mountain1637]

Excellent analysis! Very informative

[@CindyBlueWho]

I love watching your analysis !

[@missyanndavenport3745]

Did we just not care about Brennon & Alexa?

[@Joseph-zd7kg]

No drama

[@cdel5834]

Zanab needs to go into therapy. She brings all the baggage's from her previous relationship to any new relationship.. she wouldn't move on until she deals with her issues.

[@karlitaalways]

Not the “you can interpret she’s been bitching” from DR. Cherie like it’s a medical term 😂 I love these videos and your takes Dr. ♥️

[@ShoppersL]

Pakistani amber heard 🐍 destroyed Cole

[@dct90210]

When she said she tried to manipulate herself to be that person for him, I was lost. She picked apart just about everything he did. He could never do anything right in her eyes. If anyone was being manipulated and molded into something, it was Cole trying to be what SHE wanted. And towards the end he was in everyway. She would start arguments based off of her own insecurities and Cole would be defensive, yes, but after putting up with nagging all day anyone would be. I saw her critique him instead of letting HIM be himself. I do believe Zanab has a warped perception of reality. Idk how she could watch the whole season and think, I wouldn't have done anything differently. She should regret the experience because she could have done a lot differently.

[@ingridelknermusic]

She always seemed avoidant. Sabotaging of the relationship. Cole warmed to her and fell in love, and she rarely met his eyes. He was trying, even though he's too immature for marriage and needs some relationships first. But she had one foot out the door since day 2 of the honeymoon. Also, he shouldn't date a girly girl. He doesn't have tolerance for the work many women do to look good. He kind of wants a bro he can cuddle.

[@reejay2098]

If you have natural beauty and not all that artificial stuff you can still be girly and do this like all the other girls....

[@ingridelknermusic]

@@reejay2098 Okay. That doesn't negate the core of what I said.

[@reejay2098]

@@ingridelknermusic yeah kinda you said he wants a bro because he doesn't understand high maintenance women...there are plenty of girly beautiful women who aren't high maintenance...I was just watching Beverly hills real estate on Netflix and Sonica I think her name is gorgeous girly and natural..if everything isn't sprayed and painted and glued on then you are free to enjoy life. Which was part of why she was a drag.

[@rae1628]

I am an INTP and found this video so interesting and insightful. I think someone close to me might be an ISTJ. I found myself constantly questioning my own sanity because we clash so often on how an event or conversation transpired. She is also a great “equalizer”… Learning that really gave me perspective, I had never heard of it before! My question is how do I find out what dominate positions and blind spots are? I know I’m an INTP but I never knew about Fe, Fi, etc until I started watching your videos.

[@Carm6896]

Love your videos!

[@stacy6946]

Very insightful, thanks for exploring this

[@Sk88p]

People are forgetting that the cooties thing happend after he already was being carless numerous times. Basically the damage was already done. His tears on the reunion did nothing for me. What you said between 4:00 to 7:00 is exactly what Zennab was already feeling.This was indeed her perception. I do think she needs to get therapy, but not or Cole. But for herself. I still don't see Cole as this blameless little lamb. He needs to learn to watch his words.

[@BebeStellas]

This was a great video thanks for your analysis. I found Zanab to be quite manipulative in her relationships, even in the dynamic with her step mother. She repeated dismissed everything her step mother was doing for her by intimating that she was alone and didn't have parents with her. I may be wrong but it just feels like a card she has played for many years to get what she wants.