I Almost Died | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 199

[@Piggyn]

Bert a couple weeks ago: I'm jacked. Photo at baseball game: 😐 Bert now: A spray tan can hide all that.

[@GLo1991]

Bert obsessed with not getting skin cancer while simultaneously getting drunk and taking Xanax every night is hilarious

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

I'm sure he takes more than he admits. Not the kind of thing you can do casually

[@GLo1991]

@@sentientcardboarddumpster7900 uh-huundred-percent

[@joeshmoe562]

someone should telll him benzodiazepines cause alzheimer's '

[@GLo1991]

@@joeshmoe562 indeed they should. The drinking will only increase that risk too. It’s gonna be a bummer when all this catches up with the guy

[@johnnolen2781]

I'm sure he takes less than he admits. You'd be surprised at the things you can do casually. He also very clearly exaggerates it so that he can get more interaction from people like you and OG comments. Simple marketing@@sentientcardboarddumpster7900

[@twodeepmatt]

Bert's complete delusion about how he looks is always incredible.

[@fatguyonalittlebike3336]

It’s like Enny and his ability to do things he’s never done and beat everyone 😂

[@Vex319]

him thinking hes sexy and incredible looking is peak comedy, he must genuinely have something wrong with him though lmao

[@il94z12]

@@Vex319he’s a complete joke himself. He’s delusional

[@dogg92]

​@@Vex319Him insinuating that his stomach only looks fucking disgusting in that one picture is peak comedy.

[@bringinfunny1]

Bert isn't funny. If annoying is funny, sure he's aces! If not, then not so much. Tom on the other hand is hilarious!

[@jakedummy]

I love how Bert said he’s been talking too much lately especially about himself, and then spent the rest of the episode doing exactly that .

[@JaeHimself]

Tom: Did you hear about the roast this year? Bert: No. Tom: You didn't know they do that every year? Bert: No. Tom: You didn't hear anything at all? Bert: No. Tom: Ok well, this year it was umm.. Bert: Jessica Kirson.

[@dman2095]

LMAO, I caught that, too😂😂😂

[@faithresigns]

Doesn't even read the cawlments bapa.

[@reedusurrights2547]

@@faithresignswut??

[@tray-key-OS-tuh-me]

@@reedusurrights2547 fr

[@ProlerSkyphet]

Burnt Chrysler 😂

[@SincereDoper]

It's so nice of Tom to spend so much of his free time with someone in their final years of life. Most people can't take it, due to how depressing it is being around someone who is clearly about to die. Thanks Tom, the world needs more men like you!

[@marshallplan651]

Theo wants his glasses back Tom! Poor guys out here without his disguise.

[@_TMac_13_916_]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@archibaldcreep1]

Very nice sun glasses

[@georgeedward602]

The first thing I noticed and don't know what to think... it's a love-it-hate-it thing..lol

[@morganst.pierre]

They’re not as comically oversized and ugly as theos pair but the similarity is there

[@Tametruthfullness]

He’s trying to be more like Theo cus of theogate

[@HotRangus]

Another great episode of "Bert Tries To Tell A Story For A While."

[@GingerBleghMan]

Tom's face when Bert said he won comedian of the year 😂😂😂😂 I'm fucking crying

[@to8860]

LOL....he's not in the top 40!!!!!!

[@macktheturtle5890]

I’m from bend Burt, no bears here but your ass… also please come back hit up zydeco we love you!!!

[@Madagon367]

To be fair I don't think anybody really thinks he's a great standup. Just watch his last special. But he 100% did amazing things for comedy and many many comedians these last couple of years. The way he does his promos, the tour and everybody he has on there, the podcast, how he is working his ass off etc. So I guess for everything combined give him his award.

[@Berdymadafakas]

​@@macktheturtle5890are you having a stroke bro

[@jan.plays.guitar]

@@Madagon367100% agreed. He’s happy now and won’t be there forever, let him have it and he did do all that stuff.

[@MyBlitz7]

21:40 Bert trying to show off his spray tan and all I can focus on is the guy begging him to stop drinking 💀

[@ravensclawtemplar]

Oh you're right I didn't even read the comments at first. I think he will reign his drinking in eventually. He has the money to be able to spend time getting sober. Not that that makes it automatically easy, but a lot of the usual hurdles for getting into rehab are already laid down for him. Hopefully he won't hit rock bottom first. I'm sure he feels untouchable like consequences are never going to happen to him.

[@jor5309]

Bert bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase “if you can’t tone it, tan it”

[@andrewcampbell9mm]

Do you think when Bert was banging his wife after the tans he was fantasizing about Louis J Gomez

[@BPH55]

Redden it.

[@squigtonianmayhem4602]

Funny how he says he wore a thong, yet, his whole ass is white! WTF?

[@Mark-xb7ro]

The amount of time he has talked about his shoulders, jacked, popping, defined Tom must filter the repetitive stuff out.

[@LocChicago5]

I wish we could have seen Bert's head going nuts and crying having a nervous breakdown before this episode thinking Tommy was going to replace him with another bear hahahahahaha

[@dgkphs]

I'd pay a monthly subscription to YMH if they removed the annoying narcissist

[@Js-hu5cm]

Same

[@Safushiful]

their advice about talking about your feelings even if it's uncomfortable in the intro is so true. did not expect that from this pod of all things.

[@chase_k23]

What Brent here is trying to say is that he's more fit and athletic in his 50's than most star athletes are during their prime.

[@paulasemple]

😂😂

[@deyakson]

*"I get turned on by myself."* is a peak Brent Schreiber's comment.

[@impossiblegems]

True narcissist- ever watch American Psycho

[@SNIPES936]

This really makes me appreciate and enjoy even more the episodes of 2 bears when Bert's not there.

[@Hayfever33]

Tanning to cover up the red bloated skin, a strategy my alcoholic mother used for years

[@republicofcasuals]

and you used to give her the spray tan, didn't you perv 🤣

[@Freddy_v]

Hahahahahah

[@littlewigglemonster7691]

"It's just sun burn"

[@murica8]

I love how amused Tom gets talking to Bert when Bert says silly shit. Tom's face and reaction makes the entire show. So damned great!

[@JKimPersonal]

“Uncomfortable conversations” Odd way of pronouncing “Intervention”

[@mrs.h2725]

Curious to see if he ever connects the dots that his inability to control his emotions from overly excited to sobbing mess is from the alcoholic brain damage.

[@PapaJango37]

The Bert hate is becoming corny lol we know he’s a fat drunk😂what do you expect

[@EvoMonsters]

LOL you are so right! I was thinking what the convo could have been about but this has to be it. Getting piss drunk more often than before and is affecting their joint businesses.

[@Js-hu5cm]

Hahahaha

[@F3RAL3NTITY]

41:44 toms control is fucking unreal. I love Bert entirely but I would have BULLIED his ass for that💀

[@higherstandard710]

Bert and Joe List needs to come on”Taste Buds” since you guys good and hash out that Thai food vs Pizza!! We all want this 😂😂

[@Podus81]

Hell yeah

[@sernastyle]

That would be epic

[@minchoazar2732]

someone know which podcast/episode does bert mention about Ari Shaffir and his behavior?

[@higherstandard710]

Why did my Bert and Ari podcast comment get deleted!? Bert got roofied by Ari and never shown the podcast. Will this be deleted too. Is so they are tying to make this not happen haha

[@Mr_Dopey]

I heard Joe List and Jay Mohr are starting a podcast together.

[@JC_wonderland]

Bert is somewhat of a real life Homer Simpson

[@beercavetech]

Id really like it if this podcast gave Burnt a talking time limit

[@fleischer236]

Yeah like a chess clock

[@WingedSoda]

Just stop listening?

[@beercavetech]

@@WingedSodathere’s always that single Brett fan

[@FreddieJ65]

I wish the world gave Bart a talking limit. Like a shock collar. Tom needs a "motivational" speaker to remind him he's a ungrateful asshole several times a day.

[@lillithremedy]

It would be fun for 1 episode to have a clock and limit him to 2 mins at a time

[@drunkngenius22]

Tom starts out with a funny bit, Bert: let’s just start talking about me right away

[@John15293]

Bret describing the reasons he loses friends like we should feel sorry for him lmao. "I don't see other people" isn't the issue itself, it's knowing this and not feeling the pressure to change for others (therefore prioritising yourself over others). These people who cut ties with Bart are just correct in their judgment that he is a self prioritising narcissist.

[@republicofcasuals]

ok, now talk about Bert 🤣

[@ravensclawtemplar]

Self awareness never absolved anyone of anything. Do better Brent

[@ovechkin0831]

So, you always give the food off of your plate to the homeless hungry guy outside before you take a single bite then? What a stupid take 😂😂😂

[@reedusurrights2547]

@@ovechkin0831your take the stupid one!, what in the actual F ck does your comment have to do with his at all???

[@glenhoddinott3799]

Everyone should prioritize themself. Nobody else is going to.

[@johnkaligandis5941]

Anyone else notice Tom’s strategy for dealing with ocean currents is the same as talking to Bert? Every time you stop paddling the Bert waves ripping you out to sea. Hes coming at you with a tangential story you gotta duck under and come up the other side and keep swimming. 😂😂😂

[@allyourbase888]

Is Nadav the lifeguard? 😂

[@socksignal]

Bert did more promo for Matt's special than Matt did lol

[@impossiblegems]

Jealousy is a wild thing

[@beetox8278]

Hi Shane.

[@cheekywippets9163]

I don’t have the willpower to listen/scrub to find the shaman shoutout. Anyone got a time stamp?

[@stantondavid4435]

Bert’s sense of reality is wild,thinking he looks amazing?? bro you look insane with a spray tan, u have no muscles and big ass belly that’s about it ….But yea buddy you look amazing as you say

[@boneun1t]

@@cheekywippets9163 32:48

[@nicholashodges460]

Bert is a real artist he feels like a man should in these times he loves well and those feelings are undeniable

[@TheRealRonRico317]

You guys sitting down and talking about your feelings is what's going to make your marriage work. You guys are a beautiful couple. #BeefShoulders 🥩 💪

[@steph7960]

Until Tom realises, yet again, that Bert has either not learnt anything or just doesn't give enough of a shit.

[@seae2030]

He should can burnt Chrysler if he won't move to Austin. I doubt they really are best friends

[@steph7960]

@@seae2030 I think they probably have been, but they re both ego maniacs especially Bert, and starting to become more well known. As, what often occurs when individusls become more famous, that's starting to rear its ugly head in their friendship, as it often does, with these people. They begin to compete with one another.( I.e Bert pretending to mention his crying episode to Tom, when in fact, he really wanted to rub it in that he won" comedian of the year")

[@birdeffer89]

​@@steph7960 what is blud saying💀

[@bobbert24]

21:28 - Bert out here looking like DJ Khalid

[@mnmsaregood1]

Bert is embarrassed about his shirtless picture but will do literally nothing about it

[@neighborbruce]

Hell somehow convince himself that it's the angle of the camera and the position of the sun that caused him to look like that

[@bobsterapper]

But he did a Spray tan 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@MassiveScore]

He thinks getting a spray tan is doing something about it

[@Dakotarob2003]

Bro he’s a famous multimillionaire that’s built an empire behind his name and ur a nobody who r u to judge😂

[@KZ_MMA-KZ]

Except for keep drinking

[@sydneypage2980]

I love that this is basically Bert being a 5year old just chatting up Uncle Tom for hours. Tom comes home Bert at the door imma tell you about my whole week. Tom smile and nodding 😂

[@hunterstarkey5089]

With each passing day, Bert manifests new ways to mask his weight. His most recent venture being spray tan

[@Fireproofwitchnz]

The photo of Bert and also him describing his tanned body "I looked BEAUTIFUL" 😂 He honestly has amazing self pump up talk 😂

[@_yooniversal_]

Friends fight but also drunks react irrationally to a simple pizza instead of thai 😂 have a nice week everyone

[@salamimamii2912]

Not to mention joe doesn’t drink LOL

[@MikeH7186]

Bert just keeps finding ways to avoid losing weight and being healthy. Somehow now spray tanning is the next excuse.

[@diceydie-c]

That's definitely some Burt logic right there just get a spray tan so you can't see the cellulite don't actually get healthy so it goes away😂😂 Jesus I can't wait to hear what his secret hack is for cirrhosis of the liver😂

[@republicofcasuals]

I feel that there is a lot of self-reflection in your comment 🤣

[@Danteandras123]

He already has claimed that testosterone injections “cured” his liver.

[@JamesMoniyaw]

Tom out here looking like a guess who card

[@tsullivan93]

Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper already have a podcast, it’s called Two Brads, One Coop

[@samarcher7498]

Underrated comment

[@kaerynbass8355]

Brilliant

[@sarahlowell3763]

This is so good that it needs to become a thing!!!! 👏🏼

[@Sutterbombz]

Tom: Man I saw this shit over the weekend Bert: SCHREECH Tom: so I was looking at.. Bert: SQUEEEEELLLLLL REEEEEEEEEE I CAN BENCH 450 REEEE FUCKIN VODKAAAA

[@jeremykhan887]

That photo isn't even close to the worst for him. During that beer thing with Shane Gillis, I paused it at some point and he looked like a burnt out dad with his special needs son.

[@JP-tc9mj]

He was so red and bloated in that beer olympics, I was shocked.

[@republicofcasuals]

Go look in the mirror... "What The Hell Is Even That!"

[@zeroa69]

Him and shane at the downs parade!

[@EricMrRareAir]

22:00 😂😂😂😂 “Thank You” 😂😂😂😂

[@WKRP187]

It is funny how everyone thinks that two buddies can't get into it during a night of drinking and still be buddies the next day.

[@adamhaney2196]

When Tom initially brings up the State of the Industry, you can see the him realize he gets to drop it on Bert and catch his first reaction live. That joy is something we all strive to feel

[@dylanb1522]

I’ve watched nearly 200 episodes of 2B1C and just realized that Bear Tom tickles Bear Burnt’s tummy in the intro graphic. Love it.

[@ABN_TNKR]

Maybe some day again soon we will get to enjoy guest Bears. So glad we got an hour of Brent’s spray tan.

[@ryanalexander984]

Maybe Tom will start doing Tom Talks again. Then we won’t have to listen to his wife or Bert ruin his commentary.

[@surgicalfixer1720]

That picture is Bert’s swollen liver trying to escape.

[@martymcdry]

That swimming story was the most Tom has talked on an episode of 2B1C ever

[@Mumu108-h5z]

This whole podcast is Bert meeting/getting to know Tom for the first time because he is so far up his own ass he doesn’t see the world around him at all

[@jerowm5568]

..damn him talking about that pitch pic hit me when I saw the look on his face & took a huge drink.. I hope this motivates him to make a change and really take getting in shape seriously.. the country need this national treasure around till this recessions over 😂

[@CalvinEast]

Bert is such a great guy man. Always means well, wants to have a great time and is so enthusiastic about it. Him and ric flair would be great 😂

[@5thjonasbrother219]

i don't think Bert gets why you have the talks. precious gems

[@zeroa69]

I figured it was really them shitting on bobby again since he purposefully doesnt answer the phone/text

[@murderburger1811]

He's R worded

[@lukecasio9810]

Tom is a genius; he just encourages Bert/ asks questions and he just goes... Easy work for Tom

[@TheStammzilla]

I feel like Bert and Tom just need hugs sometimes.

[@joanneweed1683]

Very much so!

[@LHuson88]

This podcast, this friendship, and specifically this episode of 2 bears…. PERFECTION. I laughed SO hard and so much. I absolutely LOVE you guys. The world is brighter in ways you don’t even know because of you both. You 2 make my soul smile and that’s an amazing feeling in this dumpster diarrhea world 😂😂😂😂 never stop what you do 🩵🩵🩵

[@Frost00586]

This episode.....I feel like I watched this before. I could've sworn I heard you guys talked about surfing and renting the Waco wave pool before.

[@404Tony]

You’re right I believe they have talked about going surfing at Kelly slaters wave pool

[@nathancaliff3796]

There is no doubt about it. I came to the comments just to see if someone else caught that.

[@justinchurch8440]

Funny how a guy like Bert who is so egotistical can be so popular with people. Dude doesn’t even really listen to anyone else, he’s just chomping at the bit to get his two cents in. It’s all gonna bite him at some point, modesty is the best policy

[@mattcouey2572]

Goddamn this the Bert Bert Bert show Tom has said like 4 sentences the last 5 episodes lol

[@jeffreymcclellan1717]

Bert, its so crazy, I daily get myself into panic , obsessing about skin cancer. And I medicate myself to stop panic attacks. Every new dark spot that shows up, forget it, im certain its bad. Whether it is or not. It runs on my dads side. So eventually, it probably will be but I can appreciate your anguish. And Tom, because of you, I now know what I have going on mentally , and in 42 years, several doctors and I couldnt label it. I too have excessive internal monolog, and I very much get in arguments with myself, always outloud. I have never seen another person, other than my mom who has the same condition. So by total accident I woke up and saw you addressing it and there was my " aha, I told you all im not crazy" moment. Just want to say thanks. Btw, purely by accident, i have the same glasses. Well, the " I'm not rich" version anyway. How many people have you met with the same condition man? You've been a guy who gets around for awhile so this intrests me quite abit. Hopefully you take the time to answer. I know youre busy. But I love that I've found someone with the exact same mental thing as me. Side note: no im crazy, I'm not that big of a fan really. I was arrogant like you , and people don't like when a dude argues with himself, and don't like when im always looking up alot, planning out what im going to do. They see a person scheming and plotting they think. Crazy man. I was thinking i was going to be a musician or stand up, but when you live in the armpit of America, you dont stand a chance. Im so glad I woke up and saw you talking about this with Christina on YMH. Unless your rich, the world has very little use for you. Makes me glad that someone made it. Kudos man

[@Laffhole]

bert's explanation of his wife "dating" him again: she has cocktails an got a one time spray tan...

[@robertj1777]

"Drownding?" "Yeah" "yeah, and it should..."😂😅 I'm dying

[@twistymcslide2]

You can literally see Bert's liver in that baseball picture . . . . . . Very cool , he's fine . . . .

[@Neverland4747]

The very best conversation in any podcast ever from y'all bc people in our age group need to start having the hard conversations

[@MeticulousTechTV]

Bert getting that “overweight advisor to the emperor” voice

[@papa_pt]

just take out "advisor to the" and you got it

[@jasonnash1421]

Unless Bert admits that he’s a liar, he will never get better. I feel very bad for his family. He is a very sick and miserable man, and society rewards his sickness with fame and money. But he will die miserable.

[@kevingallagher3]

Bert is so modest. A true shining becon of a Man.

[@dannyganelin9777]

More like shining bacon of a Man

[@Biologia101-eb2fn]

Swimming in the ocean 2 miles everyday after 30 years of smoking. Three months without smoke and swimming, I look and feel 30 instead of 45. Incredible how the body heals. Swimming 2 miles under an hour already. Very happy.

[@Timjacks01]

As much as I love Bart i need more Tom & Theo in my life!

[@SeanGunn-if8ik]

Dude. I'm ex Royal Navy. And I've done man overboard exercises in the Arctic circle. I volunteered to be the swimmer that jumps off the side of the ship to rescue the man. Hands down one of the best experiences of my life. The ocean is a pimp, and we're it's bitches. The Machine was awesome.

[@sernastyle]

36:31 to skip past Bert’s rambling and hear Tom talk

[@allyourbase888]

You, Sir, are an Internet Hero. 🏆

[@DocMalk]

Can I be thr 3rd person in the podcast, so I can keep Bert on topic! SO MANY times he talks about something and I want to know the end and he never goes back to finish. 😂

[@lacefacethegreat]

"Tan fat looks better than white fat!" My former boss told me that when I was 20 and it always stuck with me. 😂

[@republicofcasuals]

Maybe stop letting your boss watch you when your changing 🤣

[@cayciyoung5802]

His stomach is hilarious! 😂 This is the man who says he is in great shape.

[@smolpretty4497]

"Joe List and I are friends" That goes against everything you've ever said about him on podcasts over the last decade

[@boojiela]

Bert has final reached the look of the cgi thing Tom stabbed on his dance video

[@keatonclark3017]

The ad break as soon as Bert pulls his ass out is perfect

[@416John]

"Drowned-ing?"🤣🤣🤣

[@dylanlooney6573]

Bert being comedian of the year is like Ben Simmons being MvP of the NBA

[@republicofcasuals]

? Yea, that doesn't make a lick on sense..... you better stick to Lizzo and Sam Smith for your entertainment there buddy 🤣

[@Matthewtaylorn]

Tom: Rick Rubin is a pretty good surfer... Bart: I'M FRIENDS WITH ROB MACHADO!!

[@kennyprice7441]

Nice to hear bert shout out the DAWG Matt

[@breezybee8469]

When Bert is talking about Rob he’s referring to the dvds Drive Thru and that group all went to Hawaii and New Zealand and just surfed and goofed around 😜

[@DDrrjj_j]

Bert looks like the first male pregnancy ever recorded

[@republicofcasuals]

I bet you thought that was funny in your head.....

[@emilydau3656]

Bert talking about how hot his wife is after getting a tan is making me want to get a tan to impress my boyfriend 🤣🤣🤣

[@napalmdon357]

At this point. Tom’s just collecting checks lol

[@ranpalmer6045]

Burt is describing alcoholism to a T. It's not you burt! It's the sauce!!!! 😂😢😂😢

[@jeffrycastro3850]

Toms reaction to Bert’s tan line!! “ Oh really great, thank you..” also can someone find me the video of Bert’s speech when he cries

[@tylergerber3432]

Bert said “drownding” and Tom was like “drownding?” 🤣🤣🤣

[@tyler4418]

A 2Bears episode with Brad Pitt as the guest Bear would be the best 😂

[@allyourbase888]

It will be better without Burnt. 😂

[@Frisco_Schills]

How could we tell the difference between Brad Pitt and Bard Fletcher?

[@allyourbase888]

@@Frisco_Schills If you look closely, Brad sometimes, very, very rarely forgets to wear coverup on his right inside bicep tattoo. That is the only proven method to determine one from the other.

[@goldenlugia6631]

Getting a cameo tbunz laugh in the intro clips was amazing. Great work jeans!

[@jayjason2517]

Leann looks younger with a spray tan while Bert looks older with a spray tan. 😂

[@Vex319]

21:30 goddamn he didnt wanna read that top comment lmfao

[@spincyclelaundrylounge2548]

I know it's "cool" to shit on Bert, but this dude has made me laugh so many damn times. Always rooting for ya, Bert! -Sincerely, a fat poor.

[@tjbailey6896]

The beginning of the this episode is the reason I listen to podcasts so I stay out of my head

[@joshuaevans8316]

ditto

[@HonorableCnut]

Bert… that was the worst pitch for spray tans. “Nobody wants to lay in the sun by the water, they’d rather get shit done!” Nah big dog nahhhh

[@yurielcundangan9090]

Friends can be drunk and say wild crazy a** shit 😂 -Bert 2k23😂

[@gregma63]

The Garth "G" Brooks 300 bodies Tulsa, Oklahoma card with a brother in the back is the best thing in the world!! 😂😂😂

[@ayylmao2716]

A hard watch with Bert as always! 😬

[@tobiasdangershaft3036]

Bart comedian of the year?😂😂😂 I guess comedy fans didnt vote

[@dogg92]

Bert might not be that funny, but him thinking his stomach ONLY looks fucking disgusting in that one picture is peak comedy 😂.

[@jonw8697]

Joe List's new special is fkn hilarious