I Almost Died | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 199

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It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave with the OG bears Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! They bears start off with sharing how they recently dealt with conflict resolution between them, spray tans, the worst picture of Bert yet, and the Just For Laughs Comedian of the Year award. The bears see if you can cure stinky body parts, they discuss surfing, and Tom shares a story of how he almost drowned. They wrap up the episode with reviewing videos of Great White Sharks, Orcas and Polar Bears attacking people.
tomsegura.com/tour
www.bertbertbert.com/tour
store.ymhstudios.com/
KZbin Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro + Conflict Resolution
00:10:32 - Spray Tan + Comedian of the Year
00:12:24 - Worst Picture of Bert Yet
00:15:30 - Just For Laughs Comedy Festival
00:19:56 - Back to Spray Tans
00:27:21 - Stinky Body Parts and Back To Tans
00:32:42 - Surfing
00:36:28 - Tom Almost Drowned
00:53:24 - Shark, Killer Whale, and Polar Bears are Terrifying

[@twodeepmatt]

Bert's complete delusion about how he looks is always incredible.

[@fatguyonalittlebike3336]

It’s like Enny and his ability to do things he’s never done and beat everyone 😂

[@Vex319]

him thinking hes sexy and incredible looking is peak comedy, he must genuinely have something wrong with him though lmao

[@il94z12]

@@Vex319he’s a complete joke himself. He’s delusional

[@dogg92]

​@@Vex319Him insinuating that his stomach only looks fucking disgusting in that one picture is peak comedy.

[@bringinfunny1]

Bert isn't funny. If annoying is funny, sure he's aces! If not, then not so much. Tom on the other hand is hilarious!

[@marshallplan651]

Theo wants his glasses back Tom! Poor guys out here without his disguise.

[@_TMac_13_916_]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@archibaldcreep1]

Very nice sun glasses

[@georgeedward602]

The first thing I noticed and don't know what to think... it's a love-it-hate-it thing..lol

[@morganst.pierre]

They’re not as comically oversized and ugly as theos pair but the similarity is there

[@Tametruthfullness]

He’s trying to be more like Theo cus of theogate

[@Piggyn]

Bert a couple weeks ago: I'm jacked. Photo at baseball game: 😐 Bert now: A spray tan can hide all that.

[@GLo1991]

Bert obsessed with not getting skin cancer while simultaneously getting drunk and taking Xanax every night is hilarious

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

I'm sure he takes more than he admits. Not the kind of thing you can do casually

[@GLo1991]

@@sentientcardboarddumpster7900 uh-huundred-percent

[@joeshmoe562]

someone should telll him benzodiazepines cause alzheimer's '

[@GLo1991]

@@joeshmoe562 indeed they should. The drinking will only increase that risk too. It’s gonna be a bummer when all this catches up with the guy

[@johnnolen2781]

I'm sure he takes less than he admits. You'd be surprised at the things you can do casually. He also very clearly exaggerates it so that he can get more interaction from people like you and OG comments. Simple marketing@@sentientcardboarddumpster7900

[@GingerBleghMan]

Tom's face when Bert said he won comedian of the year 😂😂😂😂 I'm fucking crying

[@to8860]

LOL....he's not in the top 40!!!!!!

[@macktheturtle5890]

I’m from bend Burt, no bears here but your ass… also please come back hit up zydeco we love you!!!

[@Madagon367]

To be fair I don't think anybody really thinks he's a great standup. Just watch his last special. But he 100% did amazing things for comedy and many many comedians these last couple of years. The way he does his promos, the tour and everybody he has on there, the podcast, how he is working his ass off etc. So I guess for everything combined give him his award.

[@Berdymadafakas]

​@@macktheturtle5890are you having a stroke bro

[@jan.plays.guitar]

@@Madagon367100% agreed. He’s happy now and won’t be there forever, let him have it and he did do all that stuff.

[@JaeHimself]

Tom: Did you hear about the roast this year? Bert: No. Tom: You didn't know they do that every year? Bert: No. Tom: You didn't hear anything at all? Bert: No. Tom: Ok well, this year it was umm.. Bert: Jessica Kirson.

[@dman2095]

LMAO, I caught that, too😂😂😂

[@faithresigns]

Doesn't even read the cawlments bapa.

[@reedusurrights2547]

@@faithresignswut??

[@tray-key-OS-tuh-me]

@@reedusurrights2547 fr

[@ProlerSkyphet]

Burnt Chrysler 😂

[@jakedummy]

I love how Bert said he’s been talking too much lately especially about himself, and then spent the rest of the episode doing exactly that .

[@HotRangus]

Another great episode of "Bert Tries To Tell A Story For A While."

[@deyakson]

*"I get turned on by myself."* is a peak Brent Schreiber's comment.

[@impossiblegems]

True narcissist- ever watch American Psycho

[@Hayfever33]

Tanning to cover up the red bloated skin, a strategy my alcoholic mother used for years

[@republicofcasuals]

and you used to give her the spray tan, didn't you perv 🤣

[@Freddy_v]

Hahahahahah

[@littlewigglemonster7691]

"It's just sun burn"

[@chase_k23]

What Brent here is trying to say is that he's more fit and athletic in his 50's than most star athletes are during their prime.

[@paulasemple]

😂😂

[@JC_wonderland]

Bert is somewhat of a real life Homer Simpson

[@jor5309]

Bert bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase “if you can’t tone it, tan it”

[@andrewcampbell9mm]

Do you think when Bert was banging his wife after the tans he was fantasizing about Louis J Gomez

[@BPH55]

Redden it.

[@squigtonianmayhem4602]

Funny how he says he wore a thong, yet, his whole ass is white! WTF?

[@Mark-xb7ro]

The amount of time he has talked about his shoulders, jacked, popping, defined Tom must filter the repetitive stuff out.

[@Safushiful]

their advice about talking about your feelings even if it's uncomfortable in the intro is so true. did not expect that from this pod of all things.

[@LocChicago5]

I wish we could have seen Bert's head going nuts and crying having a nervous breakdown before this episode thinking Tommy was going to replace him with another bear hahahahahaha

[@dgkphs]

I'd pay a monthly subscription to YMH if they removed the annoying narcissist

[@Js-hu5cm]

Same

[@MyBlitz7]

21:40 Bert trying to show off his spray tan and all I can focus on is the guy begging him to stop drinking 💀

[@ravensclawtemplar]

Oh you're right I didn't even read the comments at first. I think he will reign his drinking in eventually. He has the money to be able to spend time getting sober. Not that that makes it automatically easy, but a lot of the usual hurdles for getting into rehab are already laid down for him. Hopefully he won't hit rock bottom first. I'm sure he feels untouchable like consequences are never going to happen to him.

[@beercavetech]

Id really like it if this podcast gave Burnt a talking time limit

[@fleischer236]

Yeah like a chess clock

[@WingedSoda]

Just stop listening?

[@beercavetech]

@@WingedSodathere’s always that single Brett fan

[@FreddieJ65]

I wish the world gave Bart a talking limit. Like a shock collar. Tom needs a "motivational" speaker to remind him he's a ungrateful asshole several times a day.

[@lillithremedy]

It would be fun for 1 episode to have a clock and limit him to 2 mins at a time

[@anthonyl1145]

Bert did more promo for Matt's special than Matt did lol

[@impossiblegems]

Jealousy is a wild thing

[@beetox8278]

Hi Shane.

[@cheekywippets9163]

I don’t have the willpower to listen/scrub to find the shaman shoutout. Anyone got a time stamp?

[@stantondavid4435]

Bert’s sense of reality is wild,thinking he looks amazing?? bro you look insane with a spray tan, u have no muscles and big ass belly that’s about it ….But yea buddy you look amazing as you say

[@boneun1t]

@@cheekywippets9163 32:48

[@SincereDoper]

It's so nice of Tom to spend so much of his free time with someone in their final years of life. Most people can't take it, due to how depressing it is being around someone who is clearly about to die. Thanks Tom, the world needs more men like you!

[@JamesMoniyaw]

Tom out here looking like a guess who card

[@JKimPersonal]

“Uncomfortable conversations” Odd way of pronouncing “Intervention”

[@mrs.h2725]

Curious to see if he ever connects the dots that his inability to control his emotions from overly excited to sobbing mess is from the alcoholic brain damage.

[@PapaJango37]

The Bert hate is becoming corny lol we know he’s a fat drunk😂what do you expect

[@EvoMonsters]

LOL you are so right! I was thinking what the convo could have been about but this has to be it. Getting piss drunk more often than before and is affecting their joint businesses.

[@Js-hu5cm]

Hahahaha

[@John15293]

Bret describing the reasons he loses friends like we should feel sorry for him lmao. "I don't see other people" isn't the issue itself, it's knowing this and not feeling the pressure to change for others (therefore prioritising yourself over others). These people who cut ties with Bart are just correct in their judgment that he is a self prioritising narcissist.

[@republicofcasuals]

ok, now talk about Bert 🤣

[@ravensclawtemplar]

Self awareness never absolved anyone of anything. Do better Brent

[@ovechkin0831]

So, you always give the food off of your plate to the homeless hungry guy outside before you take a single bite then? What a stupid take 😂😂😂

[@reedusurrights2547]

@@ovechkin0831your take the stupid one!, what in the actual F ck does your comment have to do with his at all???

[@glenhoddinott3799]

Everyone should prioritize themself. Nobody else is going to.

[@coreymcphee5871]

Tom starts out with a funny bit, Bert: let’s just start talking about me right away

[@SNIPES936]

This really makes me appreciate and enjoy even more the episodes of 2 bears when Bert's not there.

[@hunterstarkey5089]

With each passing day, Bert manifests new ways to mask his weight. His most recent venture being spray tan

[@_yooniversal_]

Friends fight but also drunks react irrationally to a simple pizza instead of thai 😂 have a nice week everyone

[@salamimamii2912]

Not to mention joe doesn’t drink LOL

[@surgicalfixer1720]

That picture is Bert’s swollen liver trying to escape.

[@johnkaligandis5941]

Anyone else notice Tom’s strategy for dealing with ocean currents is the same as talking to Bert? Every time you stop paddling the Bert waves ripping you out to sea. Hes coming at you with a tangential story you gotta duck under and come up the other side and keep swimming. 😂😂😂

[@allyourbase888]

Is Nadav the lifeguard? 😂

[@YourGFsFavoriteBF]

“Joe List and I are friends” Joe List: “Bert’s a drunk and a terrible father, I do not like him”.

[@1Deep43VA]

Did Joe actually say that?

[@YourGFsFavoriteBF]

@@1Deep43VA probably

[@Tut708]

@@1Deep43VAi mean he’s not wrong

[@1Deep43VA]

@@YourGFsFavoriteBF lol so no. Damnit. I wanted him to have publicly said it

[@SAHtoshiDude]

Bert is a great dad, don’t spread bs lies

[@TheRealRonRico317]

You guys sitting down and talking about your feelings is what's going to make your marriage work. You guys are a beautiful couple. #BeefShoulders 🥩 💪

[@steph7960]

Until Tom realises, yet again, that Bert has either not learnt anything or just doesn't give enough of a shit.

[@seae2030]

He should can burnt Chrysler if he won't move to Austin. I doubt they really are best friends

[@steph7960]

@@seae2030 I think they probably have been, but they re both ego maniacs especially Bert, and starting to become more well known. As, what often occurs when individusls become more famous, that's starting to rear its ugly head in their friendship, as it often does, with these people. They begin to compete with one another.( I.e Bert pretending to mention his crying episode to Tom, when in fact, he really wanted to rub it in that he won" comedian of the year")

[@birdeffer89]

​@@steph7960 what is blud saying💀

[@boojiela]

Bert has final reached the look of the cgi thing Tom stabbed on his dance video

[@murica8]

I love how amused Tom gets talking to Bert when Bert says silly shit. Tom's face and reaction makes the entire show. So damned great!

[@higherstandard710]

Bert and Joe List needs to come on”Taste Buds” since you guys good and hash out that Thai food vs Pizza!! We all want this 😂😂

[@Podus81]

Hell yeah

[@sernastyle]

That would be epic

[@minchoazar2732]

someone know which podcast/episode does bert mention about Ari Shaffir and his behavior?

[@higherstandard710]

Why did my Bert and Ari podcast comment get deleted!? Bert got roofied by Ari and never shown the podcast. Will this be deleted too. Is so they are tying to make this not happen haha

[@Mr_Dopey]

I heard Joe List and Jay Mohr are starting a podcast together.

[@citruscollins]

I’m finding the only time I laugh at Bert is when I laugh *at* Bert.

[@cactusjackhausen8508]

I find that the only time I shit my pants is when I shit my pants

[@rangleski3695]

I'm finding the only time I throw up my food, is when I throw up my food.

[@diceydie-c]

That's definitely some Burt logic right there just get a spray tan so you can't see the cellulite don't actually get healthy so it goes away😂😂 Jesus I can't wait to hear what his secret hack is for cirrhosis of the liver😂

[@republicofcasuals]

I feel that there is a lot of self-reflection in your comment 🤣

[@Danteandras123]

He already has claimed that testosterone injections “cured” his liver.

[@DagGror]

That swimming story was the most Tom has talked on an episode of 2B1C ever

[@mnmsaregood1]

Bert is embarrassed about his shirtless picture but will do literally nothing about it

[@neighborbruce]

Hell somehow convince himself that it's the angle of the camera and the position of the sun that caused him to look like that

[@bobsterapper]

But he did a Spray tan 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@MassiveScore]

He thinks getting a spray tan is doing something about it

[@Dakotarob2003]

Bro he’s a famous multimillionaire that’s built an empire behind his name and ur a nobody who r u to judge😂

[@KZ_MMA_]

Except for keep drinking

[@jeremykhan887]

That photo isn't even close to the worst for him. During that beer thing with Shane Gillis, I paused it at some point and he looked like a burnt out dad with his special needs son.

[@JP-tc9mj]

He was so red and bloated in that beer olympics, I was shocked.

[@republicofcasuals]

Go look in the mirror... "What The Hell Is Even That!"

[@zeroa69]

Him and shane at the downs parade!

[@mattcouey2572]

Goddamn this the Bert Bert Bert show Tom has said like 4 sentences the last 5 episodes lol

[@napalmdon357]

At this point. Tom’s just collecting checks lol

[@ABN_TNKR]

Maybe some day again soon we will get to enjoy guest Bears. So glad we got an hour of Brent’s spray tan.

[@ryanalexander984]

Maybe Tom will start doing Tom Talks again. Then we won’t have to listen to his wife or Bert ruin his commentary.

[@TheStammzilla]

I feel like Bert and Tom just need hugs sometimes.

[@joanneweed1683]

Very much so!

[@MikeH7186]

Bert just keeps finding ways to avoid losing weight and being healthy. Somehow now spray tanning is the next excuse.

[@ayylmao2716]

A hard watch with Bert as always! 😬

[@WKRP187]

It is funny how everyone thinks that two buddies can't get into it during a night of drinking and still be buddies the next day.

[@nicholashodges460]

Bert is a real artist he feels like a man should in these times he loves well and those feelings are undeniable

[@Camilaramos171]

This whole podcast is Bert meeting/getting to know Tom for the first time because he is so far up his own ass he doesn’t see the world around him at all

[@dicbutkiss865]

Bert w the quick shout out to Matt let’s goooo! Matt rules! Speed of light, WAtch It

[@twistymcslide2]

You can literally see Bert's liver in that baseball picture . . . . . . Very cool , he's fine . . . .

[@Timjacks01]

As much as I love Bart i need more Tom & Theo in my life!

[@keatonclark3017]

The ad break as soon as Bert pulls his ass out is perfect

[@kennyprice7441]

Nice to hear bert shout out the DAWG Matt

[@dylanlooney6573]

Bert being comedian of the year is like Ben Simmons being MvP of the NBA

[@republicofcasuals]

? Yea, that doesn't make a lick on sense..... you better stick to Lizzo and Sam Smith for your entertainment there buddy 🤣

[@DocMalk]

Can I be thr 3rd person in the podcast, so I can keep Bert on topic! SO MANY times he talks about something and I want to know the end and he never goes back to finish. 😂

[@Laffhole]

bert's explanation of his wife "dating" him again: she has cocktails an got a one time spray tan...

[@smolpretty4497]

"Joe List and I are friends" That goes against everything you've ever said about him on podcasts over the last decade

[@tsullivan93]

Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper already have a podcast, it’s called Two Brads, One Coop

[@samarcher7498]

Underrated comment

[@kaerynbass8355]

Brilliant

[@sarahlowell3763]

This is so good that it needs to become a thing!!!! 👏🏼

[@sydneypage2980]

I love that this is basically Bert being a 5year old just chatting up Uncle Tom for hours. Tom comes home Bert at the door imma tell you about my whole week. Tom smile and nodding 😂

[@Sutterbombz]

Tom: Man I saw this shit over the weekend Bert: SCHREECH Tom: so I was looking at.. Bert: SQUEEEEELLLLLL REEEEEEEEEE I CAN BENCH 450 REEEE FUCKIN VODKAAAA

[@5thjonasbrother219]

i don't think Bert gets why you have the talks. precious gems

[@zeroa69]

I figured it was really them shitting on bobby again since he purposefully doesnt answer the phone/text

[@murderburger1811]

He's R worded

[@oiyoustfuplz]

Burt sure does talk a lot more than Tom

[@Trashtrashtrashhh]

Buckle up 😂

[@5thjonasbrother219]

sounds like when a buddy does blow and just goes on rants.

[@legalcake6125]

thats cuz hes comedian of the year

[@jaydiaz8666]

he wont ever shut up.

[@user-gv7eb8tv5o]

Barts narcissist has grown taken away from his funny

[@xXxlolxXx9]

I wish I was as delusional as Bart

[@republicofcasuals]

Instead, you cry yourself to sleep thinking about spilt milk 🤣

[@TheFireproofWitch]

The photo of Bert and also him describing his tanned body "I looked BEAUTIFUL" 😂 He honestly has amazing self pump up talk 😂

[@Frost00586]

This episode.....I feel like I watched this before. I could've sworn I heard you guys talked about surfing and renting the Waco wave pool before.

[@404Tony]

You’re right I believe they have talked about going surfing at Kelly slaters wave pool

[@nathancaliff3796]

There is no doubt about it. I came to the comments just to see if someone else caught that.

[@M1NCH_]

as a german i makes me so proud to hear Bernd say "10 meter dive"

[@kevingallagher3]

Bert is so modest. A true shining becon of a Man.

[@dannyganelin9777]

More like shining bacon of a Man

[@sernastyle]

36:31 to skip past Bert’s rambling and hear Tom talk

[@allyourbase888]

You, Sir, are an Internet Hero. 🏆

[@shagam00]

Bert in full Portnoy tan & chain is wild.

[@tyler4418]

A 2Bears episode with Brad Pitt as the guest Bear would be the best 😂

[@allyourbase888]

It will be better without Burnt. 😂

[@gen3kali877]

How could we tell the difference between Brad Pitt and Bard Fletcher?

[@allyourbase888]

@@gen3kali877 If you look closely, Brad sometimes, very, very rarely forgets to wear coverup on his right inside bicep tattoo. That is the only proven method to determine one from the other.

[@EricMrRareAir]

22:00 😂😂😂😂 “Thank You” 😂😂😂😂

[@GrandTreeChunker]

21:28 - Bert out here looking like DJ Khalid

[@yurielcundangan9090]

Friends can be drunk and say wild crazy a** shit 😂 -Bert 2k23😂

[@jeffrycastro3850]

Toms reaction to Bert’s tan line!! “ Oh really great, thank you..” also can someone find me the video of Bert’s speech when he cries

[@jonw8697]

Joe List's new special is fkn hilarious

[@kyleriggs93]

Blert can’t be replaced soon enough

[@lacefacethegreat]

"Tan fat looks better than white fat!" My former boss told me that when I was 20 and it always stuck with me. 😂

[@republicofcasuals]

Maybe stop letting your boss watch you when your changing 🤣

[@jerowm5568]

..damn him talking about that pitch pic hit me when I saw the look on his face & took a huge drink.. I hope this motivates him to make a change and really take getting in shape seriously.. the country need this national treasure around till this recessions over 😂

[@breezybee8469]

When Bert is talking about Rob he’s referring to the dvds Drive Thru and that group all went to Hawaii and New Zealand and just surfed and goofed around 😜

[@dylanb1522]

I’ve watched nearly 200 episodes of 2B1C and just realized that Bear Tom tickles Bear Burnt’s tummy in the intro graphic. Love it.

[@29A]

Thanks Bert for rep'ing our local Wichita Wind Surge

[@tjbailey6896]

The beginning of the this episode is the reason I listen to podcasts so I stay out of my head

[@joshuaevans8316]

ditto

[@jennwarmerdam1581]

The very best conversation in any podcast ever from y'all bc people in our age group need to start having the hard conversations

[@416John]

"Drowned-ing?"🤣🤣🤣

[@agraves13]

Tom got to talk so much this episode 😂

[@MeticulousTechTV]

Bert getting that “overweight advisor to the emperor” voice

[@papa_pt]

just take out "advisor to the" and you got it

[@TheOfficialShytster]

It’s crazy how much I needed that conversation clip, I felt like they were reading my mind

[@CheesyCrotch]

Did Tom have a talk with Bert about his lack of ability to let the guest talk when Bert is hosting a guest on 2 Bears?

[@jarnold1789]

Could be. Tom did seem to talk more this episode than normal

[@AmericanArgonaut]

Scary to truly think about how many more Berts there are in this world.

[@allyourbase888]

..And they have control over anything more complex than a shoelace.😱

[@hernandezclem41]

Hell yeah. Stuck in traffic in socal and this episode came in clutch! 👌🏻

[@portal432]

I’m on a farm in Minnesota at the same time and I agree

[@LHuson88]

This podcast, this friendship, and specifically this episode of 2 bears…. PERFECTION. I laughed SO hard and so much. I absolutely LOVE you guys. The world is brighter in ways you don’t even know because of you both. You 2 make my soul smile and that’s an amazing feeling in this dumpster diarrhea world 😂😂😂😂 never stop what you do 🩵🩵🩵

[@cayciyoung5802]

His stomach is hilarious! 😂 This is the man who says he is in great shape.

[@tobiasdangershaft3036]

Bart comedian of the year?😂😂😂 I guess comedy fans didnt vote

[@AarononYoutube]

I was standing outside the cellar over the weekend. Joe list 100% still hates bret.

[@18Callahan]

😂😂 I hope this is true.

[@Mr_Dopey]

Joe List on the Regz was hilarious. LJG kept trying to bring it up, and List kept fouling it off like a pro.

[@andrewf6111]

Yes Tom. Gym, tan, laundry. The holy Trinity. Real talk

[@republicofcasuals]

Fist Pump, Push Up, Chapstick! 😎

[@allyourbase888]

He’s from Florida not New Jersey.

[@goldenlugia6631]

Getting a cameo tbunz laugh in the intro clips was amazing. Great work jeans!

[@Denbot_is_here]

Tom mimicking the kids getting wave pummeled had me laughing out loud...

[@gingandmidg8708]

This is a much better podcast after their Bert to Bert

[@chrisstolinski2246]

Loving this episode with Burnt and Junior Soprano! 😂

[@TheRealRonRico317]

Junior Soprano...😂😂😂😂

[@adamhaney2196]

When Tom initially brings up the State of the Industry, you can see the him realize he gets to drop it on Bert and catch his first reaction live. That joy is something we all strive to feel

[@ranpalmer6045]

Burt is describing alcoholism to a T. It's not you burt! It's the sauce!!!! 😂😢😂😢