INFJ and INFP Fear of Being Seen

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types both have the common fear of being seen by others. Both INFJ personality types and INFP personality types also crave being seen by others. We most often experience a fear of being seen because on some level we know that to be seen is also to be “mis-seen,” which means that other people will attach their stories and projections onto us.
Because INFJ personality types and INFP personality types tend to be internalizers (meaning we internalize most things and blame ourselves for most things) we also tend to take responsibility for the projections of others. If someone misunderstands us, or judges us unfairly, we feel this very acutely, and we also feel the need to fix it, or to correct their judgment. When we take our place in the spotlight, it become impossible to make sure that every single person sees us accurately and does not project anything onto us.
Part of becoming comfortable with being seen is to understand that being seen is a learning process. It is not something that happens all at once. In order to heal our wound of not being seen, we must take baby steps and move out of our comfort zone little by little. We must experiment with each new level of being seen by people, and practice detaching from the stories and the projections they put on us. The more we can detach from others’ reactions, opinions, and stories, the easier it will be for us to let ourselves be seen by others.
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[@colonelgraff9198]

It’s not the fear of being seen, it’s more of a fear of being criticized, minimized, or ignored. (Hint: It’s a trauma response)

[@KJDogluv]

One has to be seen in order for others to do those things

[@sherricannon9407]

@@KJDogluvand that’s the catch22 ;)

[@nellautumngirl]

At the core, we want to protect us but hide ourselves away in the process. It's absolutely a fear of being open, showing our soul.

[@SirenASMR_]

Yup because alot of people love to abuse INFJs because of how kind we are

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

This I love being seen for myself I don't enjoy the fact that in my family they tend to project their insecurities on me and that comes out as being critical, harsh, and dismissive

[@shawkitty2524]

Sometimes I like attention--as long as I'm "on my game" but I also value anonymity! But I ALWAYS HATE being misunderstood!

[@ezracerna9104]

omg you've described me so much lol

[@marinelalarsen3736]

Me too. I can not stand being misunderstood. And it happens a lot.

[@linavirden2824]

The more I learn about how attachment styles affect every aspects of adult relationships, the more I realize that our 'personality types' are really maladaptive coping strategies we had to develop in childhood to stay safe in our home environments. I am finding that most of my INFJ traits are directly correlating the Fearful Avoidant/ Disorganized attachment style I developed as a result of my chaotic and neglectful upbringing.

[@wa7pP986]

Hi Lauren, This is SO spot on. I am always concerned, when I express my ideas, that people will simply not understand the nuanced perspectives I am trying to convey. I am always thinking so completely outside the box that I know I am expressing things in a way people do not relate to. And I have been misunderstood so much throughout my life. I end up just being the active listener.

[@sirphil13]

Gen X INFJs didn't grow up with computers, the internet, nor had cell phones, so our Fe matured much sooner because as kids, we thought staying at home was so boring that we all went outside almost everyday to play with each other until sunset, what a great way to exercise our Fe function. Therefore, we gotten a lot of reality testing out in the extrovert's world. As an INFJ adult, I don't fear being seen, my cognitive functions didn't get underdeveloped during the digital era, I'm humming on all cylinders, so when I decide to go out, I feel like a well-tuned Ferrari... I carry myself like a rock star or an A-list movie star... my presence is enhanced and people are drawn to my vibe. Don't worry INFJs, someday you'll switch from having an external locus of control to an internal locus of control, and over night you'll realize you don't need validations from others when you're the master counselor class, and you have all the resources available to validate yourself. I'll admit I don't like criticism unless it's constructive criticism, my lone wolf's mane puffs up when someone tries to belittle me, but I can now quickly soothe myself and remind myself that I am mature and feel comfortable in my own skin. It might be different for male INFJs because we're okay being lone wolves, and don't have that strong instinct of connectiveness that women traditionally do. We are slightly different from our INFJ sisters, a 0.5% difference, putting us male INFJs in an exclusive club

[@probablypoetic8759]

@@sirphil13 I am also a gen-x er, and even though I tend to ruffle people's feathers, it doesn't mean I'm a pushover, bending over backwards to be liked. Like most of us, I can read the room, it's just not pleasant to be misunderstood. You probably have a point about being male vs. females. We do tend to be more socialized, but I think there are plenty of female lone wolf INFJs, too. For me, it's being seen emotionally or sharing the innermost parts of me that aren't very comfortable. Are you saying you're totally comfortable with that?

[@TomHuckACAB]

I used to have this problem when I was in a narc family system loop. I no longer have this problem. I hope everyone who jumped all over my ass can clearly see my middle finger in their face now.

[@butakun07]

INFJ-A here. I have accepted the fact that when i chose to go into a public speaking career, I would certainly be in the spot light and people would have an opinion of me. Perhaps i've done my work in therapy, and i can say im very comfortable with a crowd, I've accepted that it comes with the territory and I chose it myself. After a serious death threatening illness, I've been liberated about what others would think about me or how others see my actions. In fact sometimes, when I hear from someone else this or that dude said something about me, I just tell them i'm not interested in listening to their negativity and protect my own boundaries. If you don't tell it to my face, i'm not gonna give any attention to address it. My mental space has no room for such things because I realised that certain individuals were often projecting their inner insecurities or triggers onto me, and I have a choice not to hear it, and I don't want to. Yet i'm still typed INFJ and i can say, i'm quite happy with my life and at peace with myself and my inner child.

[@yukio_saito]

Yes. I no longer fix others' problems because their problems are theirs. Let them tackle their problems. 😁 Protect yourself from their projection. ❌📽

[@7632ant]

It is weird. I am not shy or socially awkward. I can speak in public without fear. But there are frequent times l will go out of my way to avoid seeing people l know. Being judged and misunderstood is a real fear....

[@mr.goodwrench8273]

I agree wholeheartedly. I have been through this enough to sense it coming from a mile away. I like to work alone and live alone. I’m really not afraid of anyone. I just don’t like the drama that people exhibit when they hear a better idea than what they have or see someone being more efficient than what they are. Instead of being that guy, they hate that guy.

[@MelModica]

Me too, I prefer to be alone in peace. I’m beyond exhausted from a life time of people dumping their problems on me and so much happier when I’m by myself. I’m done forcing myself to be an extrovert. I also work alone. I worked night shift almost ten years now.

[@mayhawthorn5092]

Fear of being miss seen! Omg so true!

[@MaryDunford]

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of it; but it *is* an icky feeling. Like being slimed or being vomited on. I don't necessarily take their projections personally, and I get emotional triggers are a part of growth & healing. I'm just not interested in being part of someone else's unwilling process anymore. It's a messy, unintentional, and thankless position to be in. Besides, there are therapists who get paid to address this garbage with those who actually want to face it. 😕

[@probablypoetic8759]

I related to this very much. It happens often, where I either say something to a family member and they misundertand what I mean or look at me like why didn't I just keep it to myself, or I make a comment on a video and get called out like I said something stupid or triggering. It is a process, and perhaps a long one for some of us. Thank you, Lauren. 🌸

[@tracydanneo]

I delete comments often if I feel like someone is picking a fight or just being disagreeable for no good reason. I mean, why bother? 😅

[@thedeep436]

@@tracydanneo I do that as well! LOL...

[@probablypoetic8759]

@@tracydanneo I do, too! 😂 🙌

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

O don't fear being seen i crave being seen fully and authentically. What i get is ignored, dismissed, not taken seriously, being seen as a threat for having very deep feelings

[@orchidsrising7910]

I’m pretty sure I’m INFP. I’m always thinking outside the box and asking questions. Not a fan of following group think or the latest fad or ideology. Although I’m Gen X so was raised in practical critical thinking skills and remember an era where society wasn’t dividing people so strangely into all these different groups. All I care about is the essence of the individual person. It’s an honest struggle, to see the amount of followers around me. Either for or against. Either good or bad. I’m a genuine truth seeker at heart, and being that, I know from experience I can’t possibly possess all the knowledge of everything in the world. I’m astounded by the combination of ignorance and arrogance people possess. If someone knows more about something than me, my cerebral mind opens up to receive new information.

[@thedeep436]

The last comment on my only video I posted on youtube is a perfect example of what Lauren is talking about and it made me turn off commentary on my videos. I will follow Lauren's advice and turn them back on as a training step.

[@mariaramos4033]

I have done a lot of deep healing and therapy work and I recently found your videos and I have gotten so much insight and learned so much about being an INFJ. I knew I was an INFJ a long time ago but I am just now putting into perspective how much being an INFJ impacts my relationships and worldview. Thank you so much for your work! 🙏

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Being comfortable being seen is a process. It's not a one time thing.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yes, we have been betrayed a lot which does contribute.

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

this is so helpful. i too, was seeing fear of being seen as a hurdle, something i have to expose myself in order to be fearless, i didn't see it as a lurning curve, that you learn to take responsibility of your reactions when you are mis-seen, and when you are not given the grace of people trying to actually understand where you're coming from. I used to take it as a sign of further failure on my part, that i'm not only afraid, i'm also speaking in a way that makes people react in an un-favorable manner. you help me see that it is about learning how to stay grounded and responsible for what's going on within me and be realistic about living in a world where people do project their narrative into others to make sense of the world... it's not as personal as it seems.

[@PaperCraneOfHope]

Oooh I love the synchronicities of this, I released a video a couple of weeks ago on the very same topic. 🥰

[@robertbethell]

I relate to this so much, I can't quite believe it! I tend to get very defensive when someone misunderstands me and then I go into a shame spiral! I'm going to need to practice this a lot! Thanks for all your videos. On a side note, the audio sounds very hissy, so I don't know if you need to adjust it or something to fix it? Anyhoo, thank you.

[@randomtripswithme]

You sew me, can you be my therapist please, you know my personality so well

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I get to be in charge of the stakes. It's a learning process. It takes time.

[@ushnishasitatapatra]

Lol - I am INFJ on the Spectrum. I took the title of this video literally - as I do with most things. I struggle with people ‘seeing’ me in public. Lol.

[@-HiddenInPlainSight-]

I always say I am hidden in plain sight

[@moonmaiden13]

Your timing is immaculate.

[@lifewithmargot]

People become abusive! 😢

[@matiasschmied1156]

Love you Lauren. You're the mentor I thought I'd never get.

[@theresadutcher4750]

very timely. the dynamic with my co-worker is kind of getting to me right now... and I recently finished my book manuscript but I am too scared to approach publishers...

[@Elizabethpepper8]

People can only understand things from their own level of perception. Dont explain yoursele to someone who is closed minded and commited to misunderstaning you. "The Map of Consciousness" by David Hawkins made me understand these people. along with understanding projection. . It helped shifted my feeling from self insecurity to pity for others.

[@gloriouslyaesthetic]

Perhaps not pity, but sympathy and understanding?

[@JoMalby1]

Thank you, Lauren, much ♥️

[@vanessaskin]

Appreciated this video just in time! it's something I've been working on as you said, in micro ways and I pull in and out and I keep making progress. I just took another big step for me probably one of my biggest thus far and boy the self talks I had with myself was a lot of what you said. Seeing other folks as a reference also is comforting. Lots of reminders of these things is what helped with my anxiety in the past 48 hours since my latest challenge. Thank you! ❤

[@kasiako355]

OMG, that was so insightful and super helpful, thank you so much 🙏✨💖✨🤗

[@2slopr]

Thank you Lauren! ❤

[@DorlaVegas-cw2kz]

Can't remember how words these words are but WE ARE THREE THINGS WE ARE WHAT OTHERS THINK WE ARE, WHAT WE THING WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Take responsibility for the process. My own process.

[@myronschabe]

Wow, this was so helpful!!!!!!

[@selah5792]

Ooo i want that class

[@cheribarkman1784]

Thank you

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yes, we crave both i agree.

[@carinanotivoli9403]

Thank you🙏

[@krisphiles]

This isn't quite it, I'm perfectly able to express myself, publish or any of that. I actually forget people can see me. Literally. I'm not afraid, I just forget. Does anyone else experience this? I already know most people won't understand me, that's a given.

[@cheribarkman1784]

Truth

[@brocklytodd5317]

I'm INFJ and I like attention.

[@MYNKS18]

Every human likes attention, sometimes, more sometimes less! Its basic human nature, so relax❤🫂

[@brocklytodd5317]

@@MYNKS18 Hey I checked your channel just now and I like that song you have! I'm going to download it.

[@MYNKS18]

@@brocklytodd5317 thanks for listening! I stopped producing music since 2019, I am glad that you liked it! 😊✌️

[@brocklytodd5317]

@@MYNKS18 sure

[@thedeep436]

More like attention to your work or creative side or ME attention? I think INFJs like to get attention through the things they produce and/or to the knowledge they share with the world... Will check your channel as well.

[@timothybrown6790]

Thank you