Is S/He A Narcissist Or Not? If You Can't Stop Wondering... Does it Even Matter?

[@nana820able]

He NEVER apologizes. Ever.

[@izawaniek2568]

Spot on! Whether they are narcisists or not how does their behaviour affect you. How do you feel in their presence. Connecting ourselves honestly with our bodies and emotions will help us discern whether somebody is good for you or not. Thank you Michelle. ❤

[@LeahB4812]

Oh my gosh- spot on! "when we say something to the narcissist, it's because that's how we really feel." I was told soooo many times that my ex didn't mean the horrific words coming out of their mouth. I told him that was unfortunate because when I say something I mean it.

[@Angell_Lee]

For me what helped me to snap out of their lullaby is whenever they were envious, rageful, jealous they looked at me with black eyes even if their eyes were of a lighter color. They changed to demonic faces, when learning about narcissism/psychopaths/sociopath the puzzle finally made sense.

[@rushmanzero]

You’re completely right about all this. I don’t wish this upon anyone.

[@keithwellerlounge74]

It matters. Just because someone isn’t ‘right for you’, (in terms of close relationships) doesn’t necessarily mean they should be completely dehumanised. There is a massive difference between someone with behavioural issues / character flaws and a complete narcissist. We need more resources on how to decipher whether someone ISN’T a narcissist. One is worthless, the other isn’t.

[@bronwynsimons7028]

Michele. So young but so wise. I love your videos so much

[@lukeskywalker6641]

This is Divine timing. I was just searching your channel for a new video today and was disappointed that there wasn't any one that I hadn't already watched. 🎉

[@age93]

Very accurate. We appear as obsessed with "diagnosing", but people won't acknowledge why. Narcissists make us obsessed with them and the relationship through the confusion that comes from the lack of logic. Trying to figure out how to fix whatever the problem is we're blamed for. Then when we come across this, it all makes sense. After all the gaslighting and invalidating, holding onto the conclusion is extremely freeing. It was the only way to come to terms with reality and accept it. It takes the death of hope to let them go.

[@-Dionne-]

"Narcissists make us obsessed with them.." WOW yep it's all about that to a pathological degree. They LOVE that we're obsessed with them and that they control so much about us to make us obsessed with them.

[@shiniemi2754]

Great video, truly spot on! I haven’t been watching videos like these for a while now, but I just had a conversation on this topic with a friend who’s currently ruminating on whether or not her ex was a narc. I pretty much gave the same advice that I’ve learned here from your past content, because it helped me to make sense of things and to start working on myself. I’m now 4 years out of a horrible relationship with a covert, malignant narcissist and can honestly say that I’ve recovered. I’ve learned to put down boundaries and to only keep people around me with whom I can have healthy relationships with. I just wanted to thank you Michele, you helped me to get where I am today 😊❤

[@Kevin-py7hb]

No!!!! It doesn’t matter!!!!! Trust your gut, always!!!!! STAY SINGLE!!!!!!!! Great content Michele….. more love ❤️, less NARCISSISM!!!!!!! Mic 🎤 drop!!!!!

[@Blkac-pill-Black-Life]

we would have, had society (99% of ppl) wouldnt be so sick. i hate enablers more than i do narcs

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

Single is the new 'thing', pretty awesome!

[@ripley7t429]

Goodness, if you have to ask that question, just run. I mean it, unless you want years of misery, RUN.

[@lanaivanovic5272]

This is so helpful!! 👏 The thing of believing to what they are doing and not to what they are saying. And writing things down. And focusing on yourself. (And I have to say this, your energy is just beautiful!🙂)

[@nephilimslayer73]

You are 100% correct. My second husband was a Class A Covert Narcissist. Whenever I was away, he psychologically abused my daughter. But never in front of me. When she grew up and moved out, I endured everything. I finally had enough and decided to move out. I rented a room and he stalked me and found out where I was living. I decided to give my marriage a chance and briefly moved back in with him. My mistake. One of my provisions was that we should have a weekend getaway together to repair the marriage. It never happened. Before we split, I sold some furniture and items online for him and he had around $500 in cash in our home. After getting back together, I often asked him, when we would have our weekend together. Every time, he answered, we can’t afford it, we have bills to pay. One weekend, after cleaning the house, he came bouncing into the lounge room. He asked me if I wanted to go out and look for budgies from the local traders mate. I asked him, if we can’t afford the bills or a getaway, how could we afford the expense? He replied that he had $500 in cash. At that point, as far as I was concerned, our marriage was over. And I told him so. From that day, I began sleeping in separate beds. I waited for the day that I could say I was done. Well, from that day forward, I had to listen to his rants so I escaped to Brisbane to be with my adult daughter. I was accused of adultery. I decided that if I was accused of adultery (countless times), I would stand guilty. And so I did. I reconnected with an American bloke from the late 90’s and he flew over to meet me. I drove him around, we stayed in a hotel, we had a great holiday. When I got home, the accusations began. My ex husband was always an insecure man, and therefore, extremely jealous. When I admitted to the truth, he went crazy. He threw my possessions onto the concrete driveway, trying to smash them. He locked my car into the shed and stole the keys. I called the police. He tried the call of claiming depression and self harm. When the police took him into a hospital for assessment, he didn’t know what to do. So he returned home. He finally, with police supervision, gave me the key to unlock my car, unload it and get the hell away from him. This was in 2013. I drove 3 hours, in the middle of the early hours, to sleep on my daughter’s couch. After two months, I got a room in a homeless centre. In 2014, I finally got my own place.

[@macoeur1122]

OMG...every one of these things you've listed did have me "stuck"...and it's almost embarrassing to admit, but I mean "stuck, literally, for decades". I really felt it was necessary to know for certain not only whether it was narcissism, but what "type" of narcissism because the person in question, for me, was a close family member who has been in my life since day one. I had no clue how I was going to resolve the problems and felt I needed enough information and "proof" to either "force" this person to "see", or at least to be able to convince the enablers in the family to stop enabling and to see clearly what was actually happening. I went through every possible scenario in my mind on how I might accomplish one or the other...even while having been "well advised" by countless advice videos on narcissism that the "only" way to save oneself is to accept that narcissists will not change. I believe what finally flipped a switch in my brain was the following logic. 1. If this person IS truly a narcissist, they will never change. 2. If this person is NOT truly a narcissist and there IS hope, then I will see some sign of that when I set reasonable boundaries with them. I will see an attempt to understand my need for those boundaries, and an good-faith attempt to honor them. 3. If I DON'T see any sign of this, or if I'm met with more invalidation....it DOESN'T MATTER what their "official diagnosis" is! Their lack of consideration is evidence enough that they simply don't have the desire to change the dynamic. 4. The rest is entirely up to me. Weird that it took me so long to finally reach this simple logic....but acceptance of this is a HUGE step that just can't be taken lightly....or even on the advice of KZbinrs far and wide...because we all have to work through all of these questions on an individual-case basis and through the loss and grief and self-questioning...sometimes many cycles of all of these before we are truly convinced that it's time to let go and start giving ourselves what we've learned will never come from the "narcissist". Yes, I still occasionally use the word whether it's "official" or not...just for ease of communication....But in my own mind, it's enough to have identified all of the various tactics...I can see THOSE with my own two eyes and ears and really, that's all I need to know.

[@karinayerena3575]

I’m stoked in hope 😢. I feel that he would say questions 6 and 7 I’m the one who made him feel that way. The rest tell me I’m right to think he’s narcissist 🤔🫤🤷‍♀️

[@patrickdaigle5239]

Thank you for the 10 questions 😊 and I find you radiant Michele 🔥😍🔥

[@yaelisme]

Too many relationships are so accurately described in REO Speedwagon’s song, Time For Me To Fly

[@blessed7927]

Abuse amnesia. That explains the real thing that happens!!!

[@Scottocs15]

7:26 hit home hard for me and got me pretty emotional talking about Hope and having the trauma bond breadcrumb glimmer of hope when you’re ready to get away and can’t take the emotional abuse anymore and all of the sudden your spouse acts like an angel and seems perfect turning on the love bombing again. But only causes you to question yourself and wonder if things really are as bad as it seems and then you backtrack and stay longer, until it of course gets bad again, and is a horribly vicious cycle I’ve been stuck in for a long time. I’ve been stuck in that cycle for a few years and has eroded my own well-being so I feel empty inside, can’t think straight or remember things correctly and causes me to be stuck in extreme cognitive dissonance and running in dorsal vagal fear mode all the time

[@jeremydavis6751]

Yes both of those are so true. It's hard to believe that the person is intentionally doing evil

[@anjachan]

I needed to be clear myself if he´s an narcissist. I don´t need a diagnosis. He would not go to a therapist himself anyway. Knowing it myself helped me to understand what was going on with him since I was a child.

[@danielmar4532]

I had a blow out fight and my sister sent me your videos. She is telling me to listen to your vids

[@Hhbdr]

Exactly. Hope. Then... fear that I'm the problem.:( it's Prison.

[@patrickbradley7360]

Yes to all 10 questions, I find now after many years the abuse, anger, belittling, cheating, the BS, the guilt tripping, twisting your words and reality, you do everything wrong, its never good enough, i will get better than you any day, i hate you, your manhood is useless, i wish you were dead, nearly every important event ruined, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, holidays, twisting facts, not letting you talk or try to explain. Am i wrong in feeling absolutely nothing, No anger, no passion, not caring, out of gas? If any man treated me like that i would beat him into a pulp. Also i am afraid that i may completely snap and doing something i would dearly regret and end up in prison. Oh dear but they are cruel. Mind you i know one thing the universe will dish out balance one day to these awful beings. God bless anyone going through this.

[@Scottocs15]

Yes and the reactive abuse is real. My wife pushes me and pushed me to the edge until I’m about to snap but I always calm myself down and you can just see her mind so disappointed she didn’t get me to snap and then I would get all the blame for the years she’s emotionally abused me. I won’t ever get mad and give her that power. She’s put me through the wringer and taken a nice kind guy and destroyed my heart so her and over again. But then right when I’m about to leave her, she’s perfect and seems like an angel so I stay, put up with more silent treatment and all kinds of gaslighting, and the toxic cycle goes on and on. I ignored all the red flags before getting married so a lot of it falls on me but never ever again. If I ever try to open my heart up again, the first time someone mistreats me they’re gone, no more kind caring gentleman!!!

[@happycat0411]

The big problem with narcissists or anyone with a mental disorder is that these people are unaware they even have a mental disorder thus many of these mentally unwell individuals slip through the cracks. Narcissists tend to either not seek mental health therapy due to their inability tolerate shame and their excessively large egos. Those who do seek therapy tend to revert back to their narcissistic selves within one to two months as narcissism is a personality disorder that tends to be ingrained within the individual's personality to their entire life.

[@yvonnewilson2242]

To be technical, NPD is a personality disorder, not a mental one. The main difference between personality disorders and mental health disorders lies in the person’s sense of who they are. Those with personality disorders report a loss of “self” that is more severe than those who suffer from mental health disorders. A personality disorder relies on YOURSELF. They are what I call the "I group". Examples: BPD: "I NEED YOU. I don't want to be alone." NPD: "YOU are NOTHING without ME. I'm always right. You're lucky I gave you my time." OCPD: "I need everything in order. If I want something done right, I'll do it myself." A mental illness draws on environmental circumstances. PTSD is an example of this, for in order to be triggered, it has to occur externally. Fireworks can trigger a combat flashback from your horrid days in Vietnam. OCD: "Gotta make sure all lights and the stove is off, just to be safe. Doing this ritual gives me peace of mind concerning the other's safety." Again, these are environmental concerns. Safety and precautions are external factors, and most aren't looking at themselves when following certain routines, as their concern is if the environment is balanced.

[@elmaswanepoel1598]

My question these days is whether he is a Narc or Co-dependant, which sometimes seems worse. Great video. Thanks

[@FrankDimino1]

Actually my mom told me when I was a little boy-a “pill” unhappy-angry-jealous lady-she was ahead of the times

[@strawberryhappiness1468]

Hey Mrs. Michele, this video was very helpful. I answered the questions you put up on the screen, but I gave up a long time ago whether they're a narcissist or not. I remember you telling me the label doesn't matter, focus on how you feel. You know this video was helpful. Mrs . Michele, I am right back in the situation again, but I wanted to ask you a question. Well, I am probably going to ask you on your Instagram page.

[@jozsiolah1435]

It’s fantastic, how these guys cause their own disappearance. It may take years to make one disappear, and they try to overpower a super intelligent, enlightened weapon, it’s amazing, when they fail at the end. When one is navigated, entire underground societies try to mind control the person to the final point, and the person driven by thousands of secret guys, simply disappears.

[@joesoap8125]

They will never give u peace of mind. It will never be resolved. Narcissists cause such a load of emotional time wasting. The only answer is the get out. My wife is having an affair with a narcissist and I think she is one too.

[@rmiladelaroca]

Please! Develop questions no 10. I thought I was the only one thinking about this...

[@elizabethgindhart9313]

I knew it...... ughhh

[@SuperUberDae]

With the 10th question, is them becoming more like me a negative sign? I'm confused in how that fits in with the narrative. I definitely see me changing from years of trying to make them happy, but I don't really see them changing (but the situation is more complicated as it's a group setting, not one-on-one).

[@Pyrrhic537]

This is my problem. Is my (she has blocked me for 3 years except a few days when she needed things done for her or the kids) ex wife ? Or is it me? I'm definitely not 100% normal. I'm self aware enough to realise that. I've definitely got a dark side. I'm 100% certain my mother is a narcisist though. I thought she might be borderline or hystrionic because she has never cut me out of her life but after thinking about it she did that to many other people in her live. She suffered childhood abuse. My wife never made my day to day living a misery. My mother does. So I wonder if all narcisists do that or not? The only misery she gave me was month long silent treatments with a smirk sometimes on her face. Cutting off affection. But perhaps the problems I brought to the marriage led to that. I don't know. My mother on the other hand is a mind game player, a martyr. She never respected boundaries and doesn't close toilet doors etc and definitely trys o put me off women...I'm a adult in my 30s living with her after my separation. I pay half the rent BTW. I buy a lot of groceries too.The photo of the older guy isn't mine. It's Gianni Russo.

[@tinaholly9908]

Omg😭

[@cindyc]

🤗❤️

[@IshyVideos]

Timing and random recommends of this video is quite wild. Been happening for weeks now. I've stopped believing in concidences a long time ago. Thank you.

[@clarencebarrett2879]

Is it possible for a Covert Narcissist to be a trauma therapist? My wife has almost all 10 of the items you listed. Her dad is Overt Narcissist and her mom is manic depressant. These traits also lead to Covert Children from other podcast. She loves being a therapist which that confuses me.

[@Kinghassz]

Yes its possible, some toxic/cluster b people are high functioning, they may not nessaserily be narcissists though. I find that the high functioning toxic people are usually sociopaths or psychopaths.

[@alsalazar6502]

9:59 Hi Michele. This is Spot on, but I really need to contact you. Please provide me with your email address. My situation is extremely complex and complicated I'm NOT someone too important to Her anymore. I'm the Lover, SHE (the covert Narcissist) had an affair with, and NOW she seems to be going back to HER husband, and I'm left...😢 I need to speak with you directly. I have been listening to you for a while now...I'm having my doubts after I confronted her and exposed HER. I Love Her Dearly. Please help me here. Thanks!

[@1thatgotaway974]

Noooooooo

[@starr8111]

1:50

[@starr8111]

5:00

[@starr8111]

10:50

[@aldobottle937]

That's true I'm kind of grieving a relationship that never happened and I'm thinking that if she gets better and more grounded maybe we could still be together years from now. Even though I know she's probably not a good match for me I should probably just care about her as a friend I guess🏞💙🏞💙

[@strawberryhappiness1468]

It's like it is hard to grow in a toxic environment around a narcissist or toxic person. It's like you feel a heavy weight on your shoulder, you can't pursue your dreams and goals, aspirations in peace. You have to hide it You're right about what you said in this video to focus on and notice what it is doing to you and how it is affecting you. To be honest, this isn't affecting me in a positive way, it isn't. I am feeling anxious and sick again every day, hopeless, crying every day, and also emotional. It's also like I feel like I can't cry around the person unless it's something that they can resonate or that upsets them too. I just can't do it anymore. Mrs. Michelle can I reach out to you on IG again. I don't mean to bother you, but I just was curious about something.