Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

[@hippopilot6750]

I love how they smoothly shift it from "the minotaur did nothing wrong" to "we can't be held liable for the minotaur" classic media misdirection

[@XDarksoulX1129]

Perfect reflection of CNN

[@jakestephano3145]

@@XDarksoulX1129 dawg how, if anything this is a direct comparing of how republicans try to downplay their vile acts

[@flysoup3607]

@Jake stephano Any examples? Republicans don't do anything good or bad, they just sit on their asses all day.

[@someguy8273]

​@@jakestephano3145 same fuckin party bro

[@unholydiver1095]

@@XDarksoulX1129 Even though CNN and Fox News are different sides to the same coin, this more accurately reflects what Fox News does

[@jacobstewart3310]

"Forcing prisoners to wander in an infinite labyrinth, living in fear of being torn limb from limb by the Minotaur may seem harsh to some people now, but you have to remember what it was like after 9/11" Is my favorite quote now.

[@itwontcomeout5678]

Not to mention the dozens who had their spines added to the Minotaur’s Spine Pile

[@airwolf3607]

Hopefully that's where they throw trump.

[@vullord666]

For me it's the griffins

[@Bdoc76]

Have you ever heard Peter O' Hanrahahanran's report from the morning of 9/11 for The Day Today ?

[@XXMatt0040XX]

@The Mad Philosopher lmfao khorn would LOVE this

[@clickbait3753]

The fact that removing the minotaur is even _on the table_ shows how far our nation has fallen from grace.

[@ATFADL]

Agreed, as a Canadian I can say that our nations abolishen of beast-based interogation in the late 1960s was wrong. In retrospect it was clearly a political move that was not supported or motivated by facts or evidence. I can say our nation is likely worse off without it and yes I will say it. IT HAS COST THE LIVES OF INOCENT CANADIANS, I know that this is unpopular and to some even offensive but it is TRUE!!

[@mobeenkhan824]

A Travler from a different land I am totally against removing beast based interrogation but there is a more humane option; in the Arabian peninsula, there is a type of djinn ( or shadow person as westerners call it ) called a ghoul. This is more cost effective because we don't have to build an underground labyrinth, more humane because ghouls over the age of 150 rarely torture unless asked to by their masters ( although young ghouls are eager to torture ) and more efficient because they have human like intelligence allowing them to use more advanced interrogation methods. The only downside is that many of them have converted to a religion which prohibits interaction with humans ( possibly a human plot to stop ghouls murdering us ) and the largest concentrations of ghouls are in enemy lands so ghouls willing to comply would be rare. Are only hope would have been Pakistan's ghoul population but I doubt they would let us in since that Hillary Clinton incident. ( kzbin.info/www/bejne/q3mboKqZgq2WaZY )

[@MK_ULTRA420]

Another hardworking minotaur getting screwed over by the government.

[@MK_ULTRA420]

@@mobeenkhan824 The real reason the US Department of Defense doesn't use ghouls is because they would rather not have to rely on foreign powers for interrogation methods in case of a major war. Also minotaurs have a proven higher interrogation success rate which Uncle Sam would rather pay a premium for. Most people under interrogation can handle being tormented by ghouls, but a minotaur? That's how you know Uncle Sam isn't messing around.

[@starkillersneed]

@@MK_ULTRA420 Ghouls, minotaurs... where's your patriotism, America? Why do we need to rely on foreigners for our monster-based torture when we can use our own? Paul Bunyan is taller than a minotaur, has an axe and can ask Babe the Blue Ox to immolate terrorists with horns like the minotaur does. It'd be cheaper, patriotic and strenghten the local economy.

[@sigridmiller2801]

As a former terrorist I can assure you that hearing the minotaur audibly catch your scent as it pounds around the tight, 90 degree corners is far more terrifying and confession inducing than being magically induced by the 12 ton sphynx they had before.

[@AlexssandroMeneses]

Dude,that Sphinx was too fucked up. Getting confessions by melting the prisoners' heads was horrifying,this without mentioning the numerous guards killed by it during that Columbus day incident.

[@wako1576]

bullshit your not a terrorist, your just one of those extremist conservatives who want to bring the Endless Labyrinth back. Ever since employing the Cyclops weve been getting confessions and info without inhumane treatment. You lost the election, get over it.

[@AlexssandroMeneses]

@@wako1576 yeah,it's way more efficient and humane. Who wants to get in the labyrinth to recover the bodies to either,get lost or be killed by the minotaur!? And don't even get me started in the sphinx incident and the way the media covered up everything,thanks gosh for 4chan.

[@Cursedsoup9954]

@@AlexssandroMeneses And what's more fucked up, they still haven't captured it! For all we know, it could still be out there, silently manipulating the government as we speak. Call me craze, but surely it's no coincidence that Biden just HAPPENED to make that "12 ton giant marble sphinx statue lives matter" speech just weeks after it broke loose from its holding cell on Ellis Island.

[@AlexssandroMeneses]

@@Cursedsoup9954 That thing is going to haunt this world till the day we put it back where the US found it. The way this situation is being handled is ridiculous. SMH

[@Diditallforthexp]

America always goes for the flash and bang. An ancient mummy's withering gaze would have been efficient and cost effective, but they had to go with the Minotaur again.

[@roguishpaladin]

Just goes to show the power of the cattle lobby in Washington.

[@red_doggo7219]

If you don't want your taxes going toward the minotaur you're free to meet the pain monster.

[@jjtomecek1623]

If America does something that isn't flashy and bangy, then was it really America that did it?

[@OceanbornAngel]

This is just a smokescreen to hide the fact that the Slenderman has been working for the government starting in the early 2000's.

[@fulcrum2951]

Tbh i agree with the ancient mummy rather than the minotaur

[@LezbionestHere]

"We could use griffons but we dont use griffons and thats what makes us better than them!" Best line

[@definitelynotanAIchatbot]

The whole thing is gold from start to finish.

[@treyebillups8602]

Studies show that griffons prolong the suffering of their victims for much longer than minotaurs. Those damn Chinese are willing to torture their captives while we only have them gored and rent apart with the horns of a beast.

[@louiscypher4186]

This shows how far we've fallen as a society, Now we're comparing ourselves to states that use griffons in order to justify the use of Minotaur? this whole labyrinth deal is a violation of individuals rights. Detainees should have the right to be tied to a stake, given an opportunity to confess their sins before being burnt alive just like every other accused criminal.

[@sernoddicusthegallant6986]

- Papa nurgle justifying the use of biological warfare against altdorf

[@ziril3972]

Instead we use minotaurs Ha

[@Verdugo777]

Classic misdirection from the media. No-one is even going to talk about the Dragon defending the US Treasury building, aren't they?

[@GodActio]

Everyone knows that the Dragons control the media and banking. No way they would allow discussion about that.

[@eliezercohengoldberg1381]

@@GodActio yeah my cousin Shekelstein was tragically killed when he tripped over the dragon’s tail and it ate him. Working for the federal reserve and the treasury is hard work!

[@princessnovainacottage3326]

@@GodActio the dragons are part of the one percent

[@bogomilsgg4848]

@@princessnovainacottage3326 This is blatant anti-dragonism. Dragons are normal, productive members of society and the fact that there are lots of them in positions of power has nothing to do with their species and everything to do with their rich culture that values hard work and perseverance.

[@princessnovainacottage3326]

@@bogomilsgg4848 they stole that treasure from the dwarves, the money they built there empire on is corruption incarnate

[@CaesarCapone]

"First of all, the minotaur is only 11 feet tall - not 20 as is commonly reported." This is hilarious

[@ben66562]

"It doesn't mah- whether the minotaur used one razor sharp axe or seven- it doesn't-"

[@blablah9938]

that "this MINItaur issue was blown out of proportion" cracked me right off the start

[@callmeshaggy5166]

We still have Trogdor, The Burninator

[@fraydizs7302]

I thought the Minotaur's audioboook would be him speaking with a sophisticated English accent and using large words.

[@Chunkboi]

Nah, he still can’t lose the greek accent.

[@KingK-vl6cc]

@@Chunkboi as a greek i can confirm that this is actually how we talk

[@boothe2803]

King K feta feta feta feta feta tzastiki

[@allen8376]

@@boothe2803 Completely unsubstantiated

[@jacobc9221]

This comment is so insensitive. English is a hard language to learn, so it's such a Karen thing to expect everyone, even forgieners, to speak it. He's trying his best, and *you* should realize that.

[@-ACE.]

12 years after, and still no one being held accountable for this brutality.

[@philbattiste9649]

I know. What strikes me most was that the minotaur was brought before congress and courts of law, and despite clear evidence of it's wrongdoings, the Republicans and even some Democrats acquitted the beast, saying that he learned his lesson. How can America be free if we continue to allow raging bovine creatures to walk free on its cleft hooves?

[@lasarousi]

@Teri G Washington had the RIGHT to ride the Kraken because it was within his homeland, not comparable to this. The minotaur was apprehended and delivered to main land America from out of its jurisdiction, Minotaur deserved better.

[@SebasTian58323]

I remember you being rather for the building of the labyrinth to contain the minotaur and use it to interrogate criminals. What happened, man? I know things got a little out of hand with that falsely convicted guy but that doesn't negate the good that was done does it? I mean, interrogations successes raised by nearly 300% when the minotaur was first put into use

[@chloesibilla8199]

Longer

[@TheSageOfTheSixWays]

@@SebasTian58323 lmao interrogations successes is sure to go up by 300% when you are being minitour-ed to death lol, in the end with enough time all humans break, we all know who is the real terror-stats here.

[@gonufc]

And where's Medusa in all this? Again, a woman is overlooked for a position she is equally qualified for!

[@musiclamar4458]

Medusa wouldn’t even qualify. She’d just petrify them on sight. Again you darn feminazis are taking over muh murica!!!

[@Ozymandias83]

Medusa has a dark and sordid history the sjws dont want you to know about.

[@richardbourton4523]

It's the hiring culture. Americans just don't want to see a woman in a position of power. But it's more than that, the media have really demonised that woman specifically and now it's like no one wants to see Medusa at all.

[@vladivanov5500]

This is the conversation actual feminists are having right now.

[@just_a_tepig3611]

Did you just assume the minotaur isn't female?

[@mystichdx]

*_"Powerful coal lobby adds coal to food pyramid."_* Given previous attempts to get ketchup and french fries classed as vegetables, this is frighteningly close to reality.

[@itwontcomeout5678]

fReeDoM fRiEs 😂😭

[@Mechagodzilla128]

"Attempts" You uh, should check the FDA on the fries part. They succeeded years ago to make fries count as a serving of vegetables.

[@ccfffvbbbbbffg1774]

Well I mean potatoes *are* vegetables

[@ccfffvbbbbbffg1774]

@@Mechagodzilla128 And successful attempts are still attempts

[@ChrisRedfield--]

Coal builds strong bones. Eat more coal.

[@bud389]

This idea of a world where mythical creatures are normally integrated into casual every day society and discussion is hilarious and intensely interesting.

[@markhayes3523]

That sounds lile an awesome idea for a tv show

[@samsaraslight8377]

They should have included this entire segment in bright.

[@nanore5116]

I know that this comment is very old but there is a TV serie call grimm, it has various fantasy and mythological creature in it, dont know if you are intested.

[@Comand94]

What do you mean *the idea of*? A few days ago I was in the mountains begging Big Foot to stop chewing on my sister's thighs.

[@olliestone5549]

Welcome to the onionverse.

[@embe1]

Now you want to tie the hands and hooves of our interrogators even further?

[@BrianPatrickOMalley]

That line was hilarious

[@KostyaT]

that was spot on

[@xl000]

you watched the video too ?

[@Chunkboi]

Hey, ever seen a satyr interrogate a prisoner? Not a lot of trauma, but a lot of booze. I mean, even though the koran is explicit about not tasting the fermentation of grain or grape, there’s still wiggle room for rum (sugar cane).

[@smaller_cathedrals]

Small details like these make the whole thing.

[@frozetei8169]

Seeing this poor minotaur get screwed out of his job by the people he served for countless year is appalling. Here in the UK we hold our Dragons in high regard for the hard work they do rehabilitating entitled young women by taking them away and imposing a strict isolation on them before our government sanctioned ogres retrieve them when ready to re-enter society

[@dakotablount251]

Yeah, I know this was a year ago but I'm not letting this one slide. The UK's ogres need to be put on far more strict training regime's before they're EVER allowed to retrieve anyone. Literally only a month ago one of YOUR ogre's threatened a nice family of Canadian Centaur's (the eldest of the group literally being a RETIRED policeman) because they were "too close to being on the path of the girl". It's called tourism. And yet i haven't heard ANY of you talking about that. I do agree your dragon's however are extremely deserving of the respect they're given for their services, however i do feel their need to hoard all of their wealth is a bit elitist.

[@GregLemons]

@@dakotablount251 Our ogres don’t need more training, you disturb their goal and they mess you up. The path to a tower shouldn’t even BE a tourist route! That’s like if America made the Minotaur maze a friggin tourist destination.

[@SebasTian58323]

@@GregLemons yeah,that labyrinth was condemned after the Minotaur was relieved of his job, and it's highly dangerous for anyone to be in it. Unfortunately without the Minotaur patrolling the infinitely sized and ever changing maze, it's been infested with all sorts of unsanctioned monsters and is scheduled for demolition within the year. It's really a sad day in American history. Never let anyone tear down your dragons and the amazing jobs they and your ogres do

[@dharmallars]

@@GregLemons I know this is an old comment but…..to be fair, the labyrinth did have a gift shop that sold souvenir “I survived the Minotaur!” T shirts and personalized license plate keychains. I still have the Minotaur beanie baby I got there during a trip with my family when I was a kid (people keep telling me it’s worth tons of money but idk the sentimental value makes it hard to consider selling)

[@Predator20357]

@@dharmallars Yo a Minotaur Beanie Baby? Man! I remember those things, they had the lovely random little blood splotches on them that made each one a little more unique.

[@jeremygregorio7472]

What really makes this seem so realistic is that there are three people in favor of tortured and one against it and that somehow supposed to be fair and balanced

[@lucre113]

What really makes this realistic is that three people are in favor of torture

[@mr.outlaw231]

First they try to fire a hard working minotaur, next they'll be after our magic books. I'm a responsible and licensed magic user. I shouldn't have to give up my rights just because of mass magic attacks.

[@dekaw9138]

Mr. Outlaw magic doesn’t kill people people kill people

[@me3596]

The second amendment grants me the right to purchase and use fireball spells in the defence of myself, my family, my property and my country. Stalin's first actions were to disband the russian mage guilds and hunt down practitioners of magic. That should be a warning not a guideline

[@maciejrozanski154]

@@me3596 Defensive spells like magic shield or fire orb is ok, but fireball spell with some buffs can be used to mass devastation in terrorist attacks, all scrolls with magic of that scale should be banned. We are not talking here about spell for personal defense or hunting but war weapon used by professional wizards.

[@Redmanticore]

just because you can get a 30$ tip replacement from black markets into your C4 class fireball wand to reign infinite fire armageddon from the skies, does not mean, that C4 class fireball wands should be limited. there are vary many law abiding citizens, who dont reign infinite fire armageddons from the skies.

[@Chunkboi]

That’s why you learn intrinsic spellcraft. You don’t need wands or staves to work the fundamental cosmic power. Also, spells leave arcane signatures, so a responsible mage should not have anything to fear.

[@HarrisonCSmith]

This feels like real news.

[@0Clewi0]

Change Maze with Guantanamo and Minotaur with waterboarding (even if they had use worse but that's the one told the most) and you will se it's real news.

[@Icewind007]

Real news became so ridiculous, Onion had to up their game.

[@meruneru20]

good actors and production quality

[@tinders6494]

In a different world, it is real news

[@adama5929]

Given the lunacy that's usually pushed with real news, it almost feels like this would be preferable.

[@uberpansy77]

“The US cannot be held responsible for its actions, because: it is a beastly minotaur and no chains can bind it!” 😂

[@Ytremz]

Biblical descriptions lol

[@cdsworkshop2855]

I love the fact that these people can utter phrases like, "loose canon minotaur" and keep completely straight faces.

[@meowchat6175]

But why wouldn't they keep straight faces? This is a very serious matter🐮

[@RealHorsen]

Damn its almost like they're actors or something

[@VeryPeeved]

cannon.

[@InternetLaser]

It's a good thing the Geneva convention has such specific statutes, but we need further regulations on things such as loch ness monsters and cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurus' use on the battlefield.

[@robertaylor9218]

Cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs are an important part of a modern army​ and modernized military doctrine. That's why we have more than any other nation, our investment in cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs is a critical element in US force projection and serves as a powerful deterrent.

[@johnnygreenface]

Robert Aylor true

[@Zomana9]

@@robertaylor9218 The cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs are simply too out of line. They cause so much collateral damage its just too costly! I remember back in Vietnam when the Americans used the cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs the land was just all destroyed! Even now they are trying to repair the damage caused by them and their mechanical teeth. The amount of bone piles are so extreme they've been deemed unmovable by any modern technology! Simply put, I think after the repeal of the cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs, our army has become too reliant on these BRUTAL and SAVAGE murderous cybernetically augmented tyrannosaurs.

[@dalek--ck9oy]

@@Zomana9 to big to move why don't they just move the bones to the wold wide bone pocket dimension I mean like duh

[@dalek--ck9oy]

@@Zomana9 I'm sorry I forgot it's owned by ""necromancers""

[@garcalej]

Next up: Contractor Daedalus says he "regrets" working with Blackwater to build labyrinth, claims he was coerced.

[@j.martinez8767]

The latest leaked tapes show otherwise. He was perfectly willing to. I bet he even built an escape route. Using wax and feathers to fly away to the Russian embassy is nonsense.

[@Chunkboi]

Daedalus is in enough trouble over the fighter jet designs which fell apart during overheating.

[@chinggis_khagan]

@@Chunkboi His own son died in that accident; I say he's been punished enough!

[@Chunkboi]

@@chinggis_khagan Hey, I'm with you on that.

[@legitimate8463]

stormbow

[@Pikagirl541]

I'm appalled by the comments complain about the use of a "foreign" monster. How do you know that minotaur wasn't born in the US? You can't just assume he's not American.

[@madensmith7014]

A lot of Americans used to come from Europe, the minotaur and his family obviously migrated to the Americas as well to find better job opportunities

[@stevenbean9731]

Plus, the Minotaur is on record as having immigrated on a ship in 1978 from Crete. Really goes to show how a nation of immigrants can truly become a melting pot of all cultures and methods of dying horribly!

[@miligrant]

@@stevenbean9731 I can't 😂

[@anarchomando7707]

@@stevenbean9731 example Cthulhu is seen as an American monster of nightmare and terror as well as any other eldrich abomination from the old ones

[@MK_ULTRA420]

@@anarchomando7707 Cthulhu doesn't really identify with any nation. American propaganda called Cthulhu an American just to scare the Soviets, and ever since then it just stuck. China is doing the same thing by saying that Cthulhu is actually of Chinese origins since ancient times.

[@bobbinette3368]

I love the idea of having ironic conversations in front of strangers. Could you imagine walking in a gas station to pay for fuel, only to have two people in front of you talking about mythical creatures and having Oblivion-like conversations! We need more of this in the world imo

[@saccorhytus]

holy shit i think this is the beginning of a new prank channel

[@alexanderwhite8147]

Yes

[@peterkerj7357]

quirky

[@thetacopunch]

a small but brilliant touch they put the author of the book as "Asterion" the real name of the minotaur.

[@simoneangeliquemaloney3990]

The get mythology correct where as high bought movies don't... They should make movies

[@infiniteraide1642]

Oh dear, his knockoff is gonna need to run then

[@enderdrache]

That uncanny moment when the youtube comments greatly enrich the experience. Props to everyone who writes these great lines.

[@MahajiHaji]

We could always replace the Minotaur with a Manticore. Having the Manticore paralyzing the terrorists with their venom is surely a more merciful cause than the Minotaur scenario, given that the Manticore doesn't just pounce around the corners and tear them up with their tusk-teeth.

[@cocacraesh]

This comment is 8 years old

[@davineves8529]

@@cocacraesh this reply is one year old.

[@Osama-Bon-Jovi-01]

@Wayne Rocha this comment is 11 hours old

[@elm4453]

@@Osama-Bon-Jovi-01This comment is 6 days old

[@arcadecarpet631]

@@elm4453 this comment is 1 month old

[@furiousfajitaa2367]

"this maze violates the Geneva convention which prohibits the use of any bovine animal that wields an axe and has teeth longer than 9 inches" lmao best quote imo

[@addelirium1126]

The guy makes a good point: The minotaur is only doing what comes natural to it, and no chains can bind him!

[@Chunkboi]

Believe me, I know. A bunch of engineers bet him that they could bind him with anchor chains. I took the bet, won a grand on that. Gave him $800 since he did the work.

[@yesmansam6686]

I agree. Besides, it's either violent criminals or innocent teenagers. I think I know who we'd prefer to sacrifice.

[@lukenichols8219]

Honestly, the amount of people complaining that they couldn't understand theminotaur's accent is proof of how racially insensitive our society is!

[@trafalgarq805]

Why do all the Sphinxes think that all centaurs look the same! We dont! In fact, it's the sphinxes that look the same! And dont get me started on sphinxes thinking that we are from the forest! The forest centaurs look nothing like us and they speak an entire different language! I'm a woodland centaur!

[@seriouspain4136]

@@trafalgarq805 you centaurs with your petty first world problems. Meanwhile us satyrs are discriminated against universally, and unicorn brutality against satyrs is on the rise. Quadriped privilege is real

[@schouwstra_7778]

@@seriouspain4136 Universally?! In your dreams! Us goblins have to deal with 24/7 racism and stereotypes that are sooo outdaded, at least you have the privilige to resemble one of those dumb humans.

[@anomalocaristheabnormalshr3248]

@@trafalgarq805 ah yes, fighting racism with racism

[@idkwtcm984]

@@schouwstra_7778 at least you goblins don’t have to deal with thieves and murderers all year round, like us dragons. Do you know how many times people have come into my lair to steal my treasure or to mount my head on a wall? You filthy goblins and your privilege!

[@GraveUypo]

these videos should be sent 50 years to the past in a VHS tape labelled: "From 2010. Help us prevent this"

[@aaronmarks9366]

😂😂😂😂

[@sopapopp]

Oh my god. And then they would think they fixed it, and they wouldn't know the videos were fake. It's perfect.

[@zoewells3160]

They didn’t have VHS 50 years ago!

[@magenta3712]

@@zoewells3160 Yes they did, the VHS was invented around the 1970s and that's 50 years ago, it's around 45 years to be precise but it's still close to 50 years ago.

[@scientificthesis]

The ultimate troll

[@shaneokeigan6150]

“We can’t tie the hands and hooves of our interrogators” Absolute gold.

[@SpiralSine6]

Is no one going to mention how coal is now on the food pyramid?

[@robertbogan225]

Make sure to eat your coalOs tm. Paidforbybigcoal.

[@jabberw0k812]

That was the funniest part.

[@justas423]

Honestly this sounds like an actual thing they'd do.

[@Sorakeyblademaster37]

The food pyramid is already poison. The largest “food group” is carbs (grains and potatoes) and sugar (cereal).

[@dsandoval9396]

I just don't know anymore. All the coal labels I see at health stores here in CA have cancer warnings on them. I'm on the fence about organic coal. I just don't know what to make of this.

[@ArborealOreo]

So much regulation on mythical creatures these days, don't you know these are necessary for when we have to go to war?

[@Chunkboi]

They aren’t beasts of burden. They are volunteer soldiers. If you ever see a marine riding a unicorn, the Unicorn outranks the Marine.

[@deanholderde5959]

Silent Solitude oh no, really?

[@simoneangeliquemaloney3990]

@Silent Solitude I am so sorry... Tge governments don't trust our kind

[@nathaliecoulibaly763]

@@simoneangeliquemaloney3990 yah but have you heard of the crime rings and magic wars

[@simoneangeliquemaloney3990]

@@nathaliecoulibaly763 indeed and the underground trading of mythology animal parts and plants... what has this world come to

[@bigdapramirez6157]

This is definitely inhumane. The minotaur kills them too quickly, not giving spectators their money's worth on those tickets!

[@enakuen1]

I am the law.

[@meowchat6175]

The Minotaur was my uncle

[@atropa6053]

this could be easily solved by taking the axe away but society isn't ready for that conversation

[@gangstalkedindividual]

@@atropa6053 it's just going to take the axe away from law abiding monsters! criminal monsters will still have axes.

[@TheDuskOfAnEra]

⁠@mcr00kesprivatize torture of terrorists? You KNOW that’ll lead to corporations praying on the millions of people being healed the wizards and witches of our hospitals.

[@WarriorMonksDojo]

“Powerful Coal Lobby Adds Coal To Food Pyramid” The Onion never disappoints

[@Greenscyth22]

I nearly pissed my pants laughing from 1:34-1:42. No chains can bind the might of the Minotaur!!!!

[@gabrielotalvaro6853]

Ikr 😂😂

[@captainobvious9233]

Wow... when I was there, we used a pair of cloned velociraptors. They must have upgraded.

[@LoydAvenheart]

Down graded the velociraptors where too good, couldn't get any info out of them before they mauled them.

[@gxgycf8348]

@@LoydAvenheart Yeah but you better believe the squealed during those first couple seconds

[@gracelessabomination9847]

*_why were you there...?_*

[@mamatorinq5678]

One thing's for sure though, the minotaur is extremely cost inneffective. Putting asides the many who died wandering the labyrinth before ever encountering the minotaur, the labyrinth is nothing but a money hole. It created a lot of jobs, sure. However, most of those jobs disappeared and we're left with maintenance jobs. That's not good for the economy. Also, let's not forget that the minotaur's lack of intelligence doesn't make for the most effective interrogator. At most, he serves to intimidate the prisonners into giving away information. In that case, I can think of many local monsters that could do the exact same job at the fraction of the cost. Alas, It's just like this country to go for big, flashy, foreign options when instead they could go for more cost effective, made in America monsters.

[@richardbourton4523]

As the Onion pointed out in another video, pouring money into the money hole is an American tradition.

[@Adam-xf6sq]

@@richardbourton4523 yes, but werewolves can tear through more money in 1 full moon than the Minotaur tears through yearly. #WerewolveLivesMatter.

[@richardbourton4523]

@@Adam-xf6sq How much of this pro-werewolf propaganda have you been snorting? Wake up sheeple! You want to eject a qualified blue collar minotaur just to give his job to some workshy werewolf? The jobs are there for them, they just aren't proactive enough to get them! A werewolf might tear through more spines than a brutish bull-man but it's about the qaulity of the spine removal! Werewolves are just out for an easy buck and cashing in on sympathy bleeding hearts like you! Minotaurs are the real oppressed minority. Mino-taur-ity. Mintaurity. Mino... Never mind.

[@theAverageJoe25]

Exactly why don’t we use any of the multitude of different Sasquatch’s for this task?

[@pedrocorrea6870]

@@theAverageJoe25 The Sasquatches are in their reservations getting rich off their cassinos. Why would they volunteer their sacred mind melding rituals to aid a country that still fails to recognize their sovereignty? And please, call them big-feet, there is no need for political correctness here and this is how they call each other (except for the noble yeti, but that's a whole different subspecies).

[@antitheist3206]

Excuse me, the Minotaur we used only had teeth 8.75 inches long, so it was completely legal. The nerve of some people, honestly.

[@fuchiigi4188]

What do you mean by mythical creatures? We literally employ them, or are you conspiracy theorists who believe the earth is flat? Every progressive or Rich nation employs great beings, for example, the dragons in the UK, the gnolls in France, the djinns in Arabia. Go out more and vist towers or broken bridges.

[@IncognitoSprax]

"Resist talking to a minotaur while he disembowels you" Yeah I think that constitutes under screaming in agony. Don't think I'd be able to 'talk' either.

[@modestiny85]

"Its completely unsubstantiated." lol

[@RenanMeloC]

simply the best line

[@williamwang3729]

What does it mean?

[@swiggersyolo5748]

@@williamwang3729 theres nothing to back up the statement, like some solid proof or something

[@crazando]

I wonder what's wrong with today's generation, our maze used to have 5 Minotaurs and no one complained, but now there's only one due to safety regulations

[@CreamCakes420]

I remember the good old days when a goblin could find work at like any place like in the last 40 years 6 generation of my family worked their but now they won’t let us in cause a couple dozen goblin were getting eaten .

[@aduckwithayoutubechannel]

So much of what the onion uses as throw away gags could be turned into full length movies. The ideas of the ways that modern day governments would deal with mythical beings and try to use them is such an interesting concept.

[@GrayDaDolf]

Didn’t they already have a movie?

[@aj9777]

I love how accurate the conversation energy is. How they get louder with each other lol

[@bigdapramirez6157]

I actually got cornered by the minotaur and thought he was gonna eat me alive, but then I asked how his day was. As it turns out, the big fella never really had any friends and was scared of social interactions, which explains why he prefers to rip the heads off potential conversationalists. Poor guy just needed some friendship.

[@manumaker0859]

How has the cigarette trading stalled since the pandemic? Is it up to 3 handjobs now?

[@mysteriouslyseeing]

How's it going Big Dap?

[@The_Rising_Dragon]

He and the minotaur escaped the labyrinth about 11 months ago, and are now wanted in 48 states. The minotaur has been temporarily replaced by a couple sirens and a swimming pool in the center. Results are positive as of now, but we need more data to be more conclusive.

[@Resi1ience]

@@The_Rising_Dragon Update on this situation; fortunately, Big Dap Ramirez _was_ apprehended, shot, and killed by the national guard. The arrow was inspected and the blood on it was confirmed to match the suspect's. The minotaur has been recaptured and is being extradited to Greece as we speak.

[@The_Rising_Dragon]

@@Resi1ience That's sad. :(

[@djzanis5220]

“We could use griffins but we don’t use griffins and I think that’s what separates us from them” Nice

[@lyricusthelame9395]

This is absolutely sick seeing so many people defend this abomination of a prison. My father was sent to the Labyrinth to be interrogated for crimes he didn't even commit. He was detained there for four months and it was a miracle he escaped alive. To this day he still wakes up in the middle of the night screaming about the Minotaur.

[@wastedkami9605]

This is like gazing into an alternate world where all of greek mythology is real and this is that world in modern times

[@anarchomando7707]

Hey we have naiads as our best River defense Force And the Mermaid Maritime Marine corps Wood nymphs are our special form of defense against the Fae them being able to turn into trees are perfect against those pesky little things

[@rhyzvanic3660]

I for one see the benefits of the economy, normally finding jobs is difficult for these mythical creatures. The discrimination they face for their murderous acts really puts them at a disadvantage, even when accounting for this superior physical characteristics in niche jobs, on top of already other favorable conditions! We need to be helping even the harpies, sirens and perhaps even cyclopes, if we want our economy to grow, and that may include a shifting, never-ending labyrinth of pain or two.

[@handburgerman4224]

I really like your profile pic

[@Chunkboi]

Vlad1m4ra Actually I met the minotaur. He works for Blizzard now,

[@iananderson4754]

youre right. I hear that cyclopes are 35% less likely to get jobs as truck drivers. even though they dont need to drive because they are humongous they could carry it to their destination

[@Mr_Brains]

My opion on the subject is that these murder monsters can not be killed or die and we dont get them jobs we will join their millions of victims

[@ding1466]

The real issue is the funding. Do you have any idea how much it costs to build a infinite labyrinth? We can barely afford our air force fighter dragons.

[@OswaldM_14]

And have you seen the upkeep for the Shadow Demon Spy Organization (SDSO), or the Elven Special Forces (ESF)? It is truly insane!

[@errortryagainlater4240]

Sounds like even more of a reason to abandon the whole maze thing if you ask me! Just let the terrorists listen to some relaxing banshee death-screams, that's much cheaper and easier.

[@creditsunknown7974]

Yeah but the labyrinth is arleady there! Cutting funding will not only be unfair to the people gored to but wont actually do anything as its still there!

[@delta3244]

You have the problem backwards; we pay those "honorable" soldiers far more than they're worth. They're just plain greedy, the lot of them! I know they brag about "putting their lives on the line for our nation" and various other patriotic-sounding gibberish, but they have no right to demand the payment they do. That level of money is meant to be given to those who stay away from the front lines and tell others what to do, courageously taking on the stress of having other peoples' lives depend on their decisions. It isn't meant for the meaningless cannon-fodder who exist merely to follow those directions. Even worse, they have the nerve to complain about being mistreated after they leave, as if they somehow deserve to be rewarded for surviving their battles! No, funding the minotaur is not an issue. If we need money, we can get it from cuts elsewhere.

[@A_A_K_123]

Hats off to the Geneva Convention. They did good, detailed work.

[@dragonlogos1]

Yeah like how it specifically says you must not perform terrorist acts against civilians and must act like a military (be uniformed and declare yourself) to be covered under its protections. So even if you consider this minotaur a breach which I don’t think it is, those thrown in the labyrinth do not qualify for its protections.

[@spoookley]

“we could use griffins but we don’t use griffons and i think that’s what separates us from them” is by far my favorite line from this

[@Toastoffire100]

I just noticed the guy against the use of the minotaur is named "Jason" lmao

[@MidnightSummerRain]

Thank you Minotaur, for your patriotism, service to your country, and your razor sharp hooves used to disembowel countless threats to our wonderful nation.

[@ConcurrentSoap]

You're welcome

[@ambergris9359]

Finally, a reliable news channel.

[@ninjameng]

The Onion, you need to make a comeback with this kind of content. The Daily Show just isn’t the same, Colbert is schleppy, John Oliver lost steam, but you are a timeless force of nature. Rise again, my child, with regular content.

[@davidvschoor]

Minotaur: "Aahhhwuhmoooggrrr." Commentator: "Completely unsubstantiated." I'm dying

[@Slayton1978]

Down with the Minotaurs! Gorgons are losing their jobs thanks to the recession. Give the jobs back to the Gorgons!!!

[@Chunkboi]

Too many gorgons are serving time for getting other people stoned.

[@knightenchanter7908]

Gorgons are being ignored again for being female. And people say misogyny don't exist SMH

[@fist-of-doom487]

@@knightenchanter7908 while I won’t deny the persecution of the Gorgons you have to acknowledge the string of violence done by Gorgon kind. I’m sure no one is going to forget anytime soon about the tyranny of Medusa. Abductions, Murder and then displaying her victims in her home. Many impressionable Gorgons are still following in her steps and I think the end of this violence and prejudice should begin with better education for Gorgons.

[@Adam_Lonneborg]

"I'm Julianna McKannis, filling in for Clifford Banes who is vacumming" Is a top tier intro

[@homefront1999]

Finally, someone is talking about this!

[@moogy4031]

Dude, my Grandad was a victim to the Gryphon Torture, and I'm glad we're a lot more humane than them.

[@The_Ghost_King]

These people sicken me. "The Minotaur this, the Minotaur that." That poor half-man half-bull has a name and it should be rightfully used. His name is Asterion, though some - myself included - call him Asterius because it sounds cooler, and I'm sure if anyone bothered to call him by either name, instead of simply screaming "AHG! The Minotaur!" he wouldn't be goring anyone. They'd be able to wander the labyrinth for eternity in relative peace, and maybe even get some mild conversation, even if they had trouble understanding Asterius' through his admittedly thick bovine accent. What people seem to forget is that he's just another troubled being whose life was ruined just because some useless goddess cursed his mother to lay with an animal. Frankly, with how he's treated by the majority of people, I'm not surprised Asterius gores so many people in anger, and at this point, I don't even blame him for it.

[@philippeamon7271]

Okay, okay, but you have to consider that the entire defence contract was for 'a Minotaur Labyrinth', so it's really quite natural that Asterion is being referred to by his function, more so than his identity in this context. It's not like they're generalizing all the wild minotaurs, derogatorily referring to them as just a homogenous gray mass of 'the minotaurs' or anything.

[@The_Ghost_King]

​@@philippeamon7271 The labyrinth was built by Daedelus for Asterius on the orders of his grandfather, King Minos, so that people wouldn't bother him. It's his home. And there are no others of his kind. That useless goddess only cursed his mother to sleep with a bull once, and part of the curse was to ensure his birth, just to make people even more disgusted at his mother. That contract is a sham, because the government is just tossing people into a half-man half-bull's home and using him for their own twisted amusement. Just because he's got an eternal life - so long as he isn't killed - is no reason to use him for their own amusement. There are other immortal beings in the world due to other people being cursed by other useless gods and goddesses too. But we don't see anyone being shipped off to the Shapeless isles to bother Stheno and Euryale. Not after Perseus murdered their sister Medusa in cold blood anyways. If we can accept two immortal gorgons, and let them live in peace, why can't we let Asterius do the same? Or do we have to wait for someone capable of besting him in combat, and killing him before we realize we should have done left him alone, like we did with Stheno and Euryale when Medusa was killed?

[@philippeamon7271]

@@The_Ghost_King You're not making any sense. First of all, I don't think you should be saying that of a marginalised group that they don't exist in the wild. There are so many places on the planet, especially the artics, and the ocean floor, not fully explored yet, undisturbed by modern civilisation. Moreover, if there were only one minotaur, then 1) who in their right mind would ever conceive of the utility of 'a Minotaur Labyrinth' as a terrorism countermeasure, and 2) why would you have any concerns about the psychological ramifications of disregarding the minotaur's identity - if there is only one of them, his name might as well be The Minotaur, everybody would know who we are talking about, nothing would be strawmanned, and it's identity would be safeguarded. Further, it is also clear from the overhead view of the Labyrinth in question, that it wasn't built by Daedulus at all, the architecture is not his style. And why would he even accept a contract from the american Department of Defence in the first place?

[@The_Ghost_King]

​@@philippeamon7271 No, you're misunderstanding entirely. But it's clear you're already a slave to the corrupt government's mad agenda. That first line "You're not making any sense." is a clear sign that any argument will baffle and confuse you due to the obvious mind magic the government has put you under! But I will not be swayed, and I will stop these mad plans of using ancient immortal beings, some of which are one-of-a-kind, for the plans of self-serving politicians.

[@The1Floyd]

"BECAUSE of the Labryinths constantly shifting walls." Always makes me laugh.

[@callmeshaggy5166]

Not to mention the dozens who had their spines added to the Minotaur's spine pile

[@ottopike6000]

"Raaaghhhuuurrrr... huuuunngurreen" "That's completely unsubstantiated."

[@sovietunion7643]

modern american politics summed up in one youtube comment

[@jarvis911]

13 years later I died again when she said "the errors made by one loose-cannon Minotaur who, yeah admitedly went too far"

[@letrokid1121]

21st Century D&D.

[@johnsmith8981]

"well the minotaur himself has some new suggestions in his tell all audiobook." 😂

[@Fede_uyz]

I agree with the minotaur on this, his reasoning was completely grounded in reality

[@Agnyaanamdhvamsakah]

Such liberal nonsense. Next you know they'll be saying waterboarding is unethical.

[@UnintelligibleCourtneyM]

***** Hi, you must be new here. This is The Onion News Network. You may also notice that their videos are hilarious satires.

[@Agnyaanamdhvamsakah]

:

[@Agnyaanamdhvamsakah]

AnEpilepticsVlog Lol, nah. Been here seven years. I was joking. Or trying to, I guess.

[@UnintelligibleCourtneyM]

***** Ah gotcha. There are so many comments on these videos where people think this is a legit news show.

[@Agnyaanamdhvamsakah]

AnEpilepticsVlog heh, yeah.Seen that happen even on sites you'd except fairly savvy people visiting, like reddit.

[@SxTxferlife]

This is one of the greatest things I've ever seen, for real.

[@SafeBurrito5465]

my uncle is a marine, and he says he doesn’t even regret turning one terrorist to stone with medusa’s gaze.

[@tedtedstone1231]

Is no one considering the Minotaur's rights? He's a mythic predatory beast with his own values and culture. Who are we to deny him his needs to stalk and kill in a dank warren? Minotaur Lives Matter! You have to love these actors. "We don't use griffons, and I think that's the difference between us and them", delivered without a hint of absurdity. Absolutely great.

[@michaellopez4746]

That minotaur has a really good point. Even the newscasters quit talking over one another when the minotaur spoke. That's how you know his point hits well with everyone regardless of what you believe.

[@theninkyn0nk463]

It's always such a joy to see an old onion video in my recommended. Even before clicking, I'm giggling.

[@brennanperry8001]

As horrible as the minotaur interrogations were, they did spawn my personal favorite moment of reporter integrity yet. Before writing his 2008 article "believe me, it's torture" for Vanity Fair, Christopher Hitchens was a staunch conservative, and believed that, while seemingly gruesome, the minotaur and labyrinth did not constitute torture. But - unlike reporters nowadays - he put his money where his mouth is and went into the labyrinth to see if it really was as bad as people made it out to be. He wasn't even in there for 10 minutes before the minotaur gave him acid reflux as he was dangling from his small intestine wrapped around the beasts horn. Though he was given the answer to the minotaurs riddle to let him pass, meaning he could stop at any time, he still experienced true mortal terror as he was minced into a fine pate by the minotaurs razor sharp axe. He was willing to put his own health on the line to learn the truth, and he actually changed his mind entirely, believing that the combination of monsterous roars, heavy breathing, and the clacking of hooves on hard stome getting closer and closer to you as you run through endless corridors for your life was absolutely torture.

[@IWantAGreatName]

Right when she said "vacuuming", someone started to vacuum in the other room. Is my mom Clifford Banes?

[@thelordofcancer10yearsagoe68]

43 likes in 8 years F

[@mittenstherealest]

@@thelordofcancer10yearsagoe68 Username checks the fuck out

[@Imnowusingthisname]

It just feels like everyone is talking around the issue. Like sure - we can get rid of the minotaur, but what would you even replace it with? That's right...nothing. It's obvious that the minotaur is a necessary part of the criminal process. I know there's a lot of people that don't like the minotaur, but at this point, anti-terror in this country is essentially built on the fear of the minotaur. Again, you can not like it, but this is simple self-defense at this point. If you get ride of the minotaur, terrorist attacks will go up. I'm a 100% calling it right now.

[@mobeenkhan824]

Imnowusingthisname There is a type of Arabian djinn ( or shadow person as it is known in the west ) called a ghoul, it is more cost effective and if the ghoul is old then it is also far more humane, while the minatour and young ghouls prefer torture and are hard to tame, ghouls older than 250 will often try to get information without causing pain but because of its docility it will not hesitate to torture if deemed necessary. And Islam forbids asking help from djinns so this will be annoying for the terrorrists. The only downside is that many of them have converted to a religion that forbids interacting with humans ( possibly a human plot to stop ghoul murdering ) so ghouls willing to comply are rare.

[@beatrixxxkiddo]

I love the idea of a mythological story being real and being tied up with politics on a news broadcast

[@Meshakhad]

"That's completely unsubstantiated" at the end KILLED me!

[@ZebraLemur]

The irony is that 13 years ago the media actually had debates like this

[@cliffordbanes1548]

Thanks Julianna! I hope I didn't make too much noise with the vacuum!

[@joldomines4005]

Glad someone raised awareness to this situation.

[@matthewmccoy7437]

god i can’t tell you how many times these videos have cracked me up. the over the top news intro with how professional the actors are delivering those stupid lines without cracking a smile kills me every time

[@ipodtouch495]

This is proof that we need affirmative action now more than ever in the federal government. Many underprivileged werewolves simply don't get the same opportunities as minotaurs. The official policy of this administration and indeed every administration from now on in this great nation should be no horrific monster of the night left behind. #WerewolfLivesMatter

[@yesmansam6686]

You're not seeing the issue here. Despite common misconceptions, the minotaur is in the institution because we're on amicable terms that work for our society and the minotaur. A deal like that just can't be made with the werewolves as they "refuse to abide by our lowly mortal machinations."

[@PhishyBusiness]

I love that the Minotaur’s pile of human spines is referred to as “the Minotaur Spin Pile”

[@favoritemustard3542]

They didn't want it confused with all the other ones lol

[@DKlugt]

I am convinced that these are not actors but this is just a recording from an alternate universe

[@WayneT1969]

That was the most passive Minotaur I’ve ever heard.

[@mikasaackermann8736]

Surrealism aside, these guys are having a debate that's more livelier and engaged than anything cspan has seen in decades. Everyone has a clear argument and point of view. Not to mention they're incredibly articulate and straight to the point. If the government didn't pour fluoride into our water systems fifty years ago, the American public would be able to hold and stand conversations with an intellectual base this strong.

[@legrandliseurtri7495]

Please tell me you don't actually believe in this fluoride in water nonsense.

[@MMurine]

This comment has to be a parody. You have to be incredibly ignorant or willfully obstinate to not see the obvious allegory, much less believe that both sides are providing cogent perspectives on the matter.

[@tudeslildude]

Ah the good old days, when all we had to worry about were Minotaurs....

[@LettingtheDemonSpeak]

Thumbs up for the minotaur's spine pile

[@Omgacow1000]

All of these in the know skits were incredible, but I think this one might be my favorite. The writing is just so damn good, so many amazing lines

[@itmereef564]

It is a very interesting concept as it gave our local Minotaur populations employment. Me myself having relationships with Minotaurs really puts me close to the struggles they have in a day to day basis.

[@nuclearrabbit1]

But we don't use Griffins, and that's what separates us from them.

[@GrahamKracky]

This minotaur is at least better then when Reagan tried to put a basilisk in the labyrinth. A much larger creature, that needs much more food? What was he thinking, did he want to waste our money?

[@pandamonium9255]

This is the only news I watch. Nothing but the FACTS!

[@xtra3547]

Love that this was made 13 YEARS AGO and is still accurate

[@Lorendrawn]

They initially trialed a Gorgon in a much smaller maze to comply with the Geneva convention but abandoned it after discovering you can't interview someone who's stoned.

[@illustriouschin]

I love how every single Onion article begins as satire and eventually becomes reality.

[@anthonymeade7345]

"Now you wanna tie the hands and hooves of our interrogaters?"