It’s Not You. It’s THEM!

Are you stuck in a loop of obsession wondering what YOU did wrong? Kudos for taking responsibility, but what if it’s not you? What if it’s them? Here’s how to stop blaming yourself for someone else’s bad dating behavior. In honor of this message, I’ve created some products on my Merch page just for you! See below. (“It’s not me. It’s YOU!”)
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Work with me: susanwinter.net/consultation/
The Dating Games Guide: You know you're being played, but what's the game?
And what's your countermove?
Not to worry. I’ve got you covered: susanwinter.retrieve.com/stor...
The Older Women | Younger Men Dating Guide:
Dating a younger man and wondering if it will last?
Attracted to an older woman and not sure how to make your move?
Answers to all your age gap questions: susanwinter.retrieve.com/stor...
Rough breakup?
Check out: Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache
Audible: www.audible.com/pd/Self-Develo...
Amazon: www.amazon.com/Breakup-Triage...
Wondering how to benefit from life's challenges?
Allowing Magnificence; Living the Expanded Version of Your Life
www.amazon.com/dp/1479176087?...

[@YouTubeUzername]

I don’t think most people realize how lucky they are when this happens to them. You really did dodge a major bullet especially if it happens early in the relationship/friendship.

[@ronbusby3335]

Amen to that! What’s painful in the short term is absolutely NOTHING compared to how painful it could’ve been in the long term.

[@ASMRPanda]

that’s exactly how i see it! they’re doing us a favour and sooner is far better than later

[@GSDXephyr]

this is what I keep saying to myself. "rejection is your protection"

[@ronbusby3335]

@@GSDXephyr - That is one super smart statement!

[@stefanlindner2348]

thank you for your complex answer - everybody experienced that once . His Holiness, the Dalai Lama uses to say : '...it's a big fortune sometimes not to get what you desired ...!' Regards from Munich/ Bavaria/ Germany

[@desertrose111]

Don’t punish yourself with other people’s inability to deal with feelings and emotions, their unhealed childhood trauma, their avoidant drama. Its always their past experiences speaking and usually has nothing to do with how you are. Chances are they were hurt like this in the past, feel sorry for them. You can be the whole package in the wrong address. Even the most beautiful successful kind women who seem to have it all got lied to, cheated on, betrayed, ghosted….etc. because they are with the wrong people. Just look at the celebrities.

[@SusanWinter]

👍👍👍👍

[@missmg]

Thank you, your words complement perfectly what Susan said in the video. It helps me get my closure (he flat out ghosted me) and brings me peace of mind. Blessings.

[@desertrose111]

@@missmg Glad I can help, and happy for your courage to bring your own closure. And hope you are healing. ❤️

[@jeanp.1303]

If they say “It’s not you it’s me”….. they’re right so believe them.

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@misslinda772]

We can’t control what other people do. If they want to leave, wave goodbye!

[@SusanWinter]

We can only control our own actions and reactions

[@laurielaurie8280]

That is totally true. If a person is not that into you they ditch. If they are a player they ghost. If they are married or in another relationship they play and lead you on a path to nowhere. Relationships are more aggravation than they are worth.

[@joyfitzgerald9878]

💯

[@thejordyjoansofficial]

Here she is, queen Susan to the rescue! Just went on a date with a guy who was all over the place, and I felt myself slipping into my old ways. “Is it me, did I say too much? Coming on strong?” Then I went “hang on, I’m not usually like this.” Then I realised he was wishy/washy, and I was responding to that as an effect!

[@SusanWinter]

Great analysis, Jordy. Sorry you missed out. He wasn’t your match.

[@fernsprite]

Yes it Is Them!!! And let them move along being Them Somewhere Else!!!

[@karen1678]

We used to say "he blew me off" before "ghosting" became a term. Also wanted to say I cracked myself up the other day because I was listening to one of your videos about being "breadcrumbed" & I thought "I'm not being bread crumbed; I'm being croutoned!" (Which may be worse, IDK) 😄

[@SusanWinter]

That’s quite clever! You’ll find the right person who doesn’t make you feel like you’re part of a salad!

[@Pacifica74]

My cousin told me the pick up line he used on his wife of over 20 years - "I'm looking for a relationship."

[@SusanWinter]

Love it!

[@etogabunia9919]

If I believe that it’s my fault, then I have a “chance” to improve it. But If I believe that it was his fault, in my mind, I lose “control”. Because now this behavior tells me that he is irresponsible and unpredictable person. And of course, I don’t want to believe this because I like him and I’m atrracted to him (I’m in the fantasy land). This means that I’m taking away the chances with him. And I want the chances because I’m attracted to him. 😃 So, I rather lie to myself and “believe” that it was my fault than to let this infatuation go. This is how I figured out myself now as I was listening to you. There may be other people who are like me in this situation… Thank you so Susan so much 🌹 You’re great

[@margoquintana2283]

Most people search for explanations. And for the reasons you state.

[@BGL333]

Yes, taking so much responsibility e.g. "you create your reality", "what did I do wrong?", "What did you do to create illness within yourself?" etc. does such a disservice to people, especially women. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it's not you. It's THEM. Actions are what to believe, not words. If someone is using pretty words but disappears -- they don't want to be with you.

[@SusanWinter]

💜💜💜

[@JoJo-st6jk]

Hi Susan, this is EXACTLY what's been going on recently. Everything is on-point only that my friends (who are women) blame her, not me. The ex said she enjoyed being single; that I did nothing wrong. Then, a few days ago, saw her on the dating app yet she said I was the best man she'd ever met. WTH. Thanks for confirming that it wasn't me.

[@SusanWinter]

Conscientious and well informed daters will often default to thinking it is our fault. We believe it is our fault that they have had bad behavior. Because in a rational world there is a cause and effect. But in the land of bad dating behavior, you can be a wonderful partner who still ends up being played, lied to, ghosted, or unexpectedly dumped.

[@turner2952]

So true! We all need to make ourselves a priority and not put up with inconsistent behavior from men. If someone wants to truly be with us, then they will put in the work. Treat men the way they treat us. If they disappear, you disappear as well. Don't run after men that are showing no interest, consideration. Thank you so much, Ms. Susan, for all your awesome advice!

[@YouTubeUzername]

This is very true and common sense but many women don’t get it.

[@wanderer5200]

It's not just men who behave in an inconsistent way. Women do it just as often. Don't pretend this isn't the case.

[@turner2952]

@@wanderer5200 So true. Men have been hurt/played by women also. There are also golddiggers on both sides (men and women) that are just looking for a meal ticket.

[@SusanWinter]

❤❤

[@flowerpower4944]

Susan you are a Breath of fresh air Thanks for all your videos,🇨🇮❤️❤️❤️🌸🌹🌸

[@SusanWinter]

You are welcome flower power. I was urged by one of my clients to write this message, and to shoot this video. And for her I had the merch made with the same message! There will be more merch on way; the next is "keep the dream. Replace the person."

[@abigail481]

Because I needed this reminder everyday & I thought some of you might, too: "Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breath in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful" If you are more fortunate than others, build a longer table not a taller fence. 😌🙏 Thank you Susan! You've been sent by God as an instrument for me to radiate positivity...from the Philippines 🇵🇭 with love 😘😘😘

[@carolb3869]

It’s their inept arrogant behaviour. Wreaks of supreme entitlement at a bare minimum. Talk is cheap - Behaviour never lies.

[@CrystalJanelleTV]

You’ve helped me A LOT over the years. Your voice is soothing, you’re kind and u help make everything make since by speaking LIFE back into me. I have made mature, healthy, dignified decisions because of you. Thank You for your dedication ❤️

[@SusanWinter]

Crystal!! Thanks for this

[@JustMe-sj2oe]

Perfect timing! Communication is a two way street... I'm learning to keep my power. Thank you!

[@SusanWinter]

You’re welcome!!!

[@luketaylor956]

Hey, Susan 👋 After my last breakup and some time before the breakup, I tortured myself with this. Blaming myself and trying to figure out why things went the way they went. It wasn't long before I looked at the facts that I realised that I was honest and communicated in a healthy way with her. I was there for her and I even took her away for her birthday weekend. I went to see her play with her band, I was the only person to support her. None of her friends or family did (This isn't me bragging) and I even went out of my way to help her with stuff in her life. I looked after her when she was unwell and even encouraged her to push herself. I gave too much and that's why I felt that it was my fault. After all of that it didn't stop her being unfaithful and it did hurt. It hurt alot but I knew and saw the red flags on the first date. I gave her a chance and I even told her I loved her. I've gotten through the breakup and in a whole new place in my life. I'm glad that I went through all of that hard times because now I see clearly that I did all that I could and there was nothing else I could've done. I know what I have to offer to someone who deserves it and this video has given me that reassurance that I need to keep moving forward into my personal life and keep myself open to someone new when ever that maybe 🦁 Thank you for your hard work and help 💯

[@refusetolose7528]

Empathy gets us hurt in the end.

[@ronbusby3335]

@@refusetolose7528 Sad but way too often very true. Just experienced that tonight!

[@camillabartlett9128]

Like she said It’s not you it’s them Someone will be here Who appreciates you for you 😊

[@SusanWinter]

I am so happy to read this Luke. Thank you so much and I wish you well.

[@Annamaria-lr8pt]

Thank you so much for that material! Honestly perfect timing... Literally few hours ago I had a conversation with my situationship person how he wants us to be just friends. From our talks before I remember him saying that he's not a good material for a boyfriend, but yet today he felt the need to mention that he started seeing some girl. When I asked him why would he say that to me in that moment, he said "I didn't want you to learn that information from someone else". I knew we're not compatible together, but it still hurt and felt as if I'm defected in some way, if he's already gone back into dating game.

[@SusanWinter]

The right person is right around the corner!

[@AmeKiyaru]

Currently dealing with this very situation, thank you so much Susan, helped a lot. Sending love your way!

[@SusanWinter]

Wow. Perfect timing.

[@azmike3572]

Even if it's THEM, there is STILL the pain of the breakup.

[@aaloha2902]

I needed to hear this! 🙏🏼🌺 No woman, mother, grandmother, aunt, friends, teacher, none whoever has ever told me it wasn’t my fault. Not the abuse & bullying during childhood, not the dating difficulties later in life. Grown women who want to keep their dysfunctional relationships with men start traumatizing little girls early by saying it’s their fault, while it’s the boys & grown men who need to be disciplined and held accountable for their own dysfunctional choices. Many girls are still raised to overcompensate for the behavior of their male peers as well as inadequate male adults in their lives. 🙏🏼🌺 Have been breaking this cycle with everything I got, for my daughter’s sake and my own 🌺🙏🏼

[@featherstone5838]

Thank you for speaking out this simple truth. This was almost a fashion among psychologically minded people for decades - "It's all your own fault; life is what you make it" etc - well, correct to some extent, but once other people come into play, obviously it's not just me. The only thing I have to blame myself for is letting the 'wrong' people into my life.

[@marienmocka8397]

You always help me. I feel good and clear like the blue sky. Bless you

[@SusanWinter]

I'm glad!❤❤

[@Minx666]

Thank you Susan ❤ This message came at the right for me and I always appreciate the reality check you give us 🫶🏻

[@SusanWinter]

I’m so happy to read this. Thanks for letting me know.

[@auser2721]

It’s sign. All day was thinking that that was my bad. Maybe who know. Thank you

[@Astharia]

The way you started describing the "viewer" and laying down boundaries and being forthright, I couldn't help but think the other one didn't like the fact they couldn't play "us"

[@SusanWinter]

That can certainly be the case

[@stephenn77]

I’m quite happy being alone in many respects! Friends and potential partners just bring you down. It’s because the people that need the most help don’t even see themselves. My last friend and I had a falling out and there was so much hypocrisy and projection being tossed my way! Calling me “overbearing”? She doesn’t even see herself. Too much work. I’m too busy to deal with b.s. like that!

[@SusanWinter]

You deserve to be around healthy people and healthy relationships!

[@stephenn77]

@@SusanWinter Thank you! I agree.

[@ramdhiwakarseetharaman5989]

Wow, at the right moment. Thanks so much, Susan. This is a question that I always get, you are right its a loop. I read lot of books, blogs, watch your and other videos. I try to gain insight, wisdom and be more patient with myself on this learning process. But in all this process - I end up with the same question - if I have so much to learn about human relationships, maybe I am a person who is terribly bad at it. All the knowledge and yet not applying it ? So, thanks again for sharing your kindness and motivation.

[@daniellecharming]

Thank you for being a voice for calling out poor dating behavior and for affirming that I/the healthy dater is not the problem. This means a lot to know that I didn't do anything wrong.... but why does it keep happening? I am healthy and NOT attracted to icky behavior - huge turn off. I am still curious for a deeper dive into the daters with poor behavior. It seems like it's the majority of people these days, although my perception is likely skewed on the numbers. We all seem to complain about sh*tty dating behaviors, but no one will ever admit to being the one who acts these ways. Maybe they're just not the ones complaining about it. Again, my perception is likely skewed. Curious more on your thoughts about the pathology of this miserable dating behavior.

[@Nicole-zv7ee]

I love this channel. Thank you, Susan.

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you for the love!

[@raquelZK]

You are a genie Susan. You give us always the best pieces of advice 💃❤️

[@SusanWinter]

You are so welcome

[@rhysedwards3221]

Susan I love your work. Helped me through a horrible time . Thank you

[@SusanWinter]

So happy to read this. Thanks Rhys

[@lolachlih3136]

Thank you so much for the advice Susan i was in a situation like this and yes all i have done was questioning everything was it me? Did i say something wrong? Was exactly how i felt but luckily the relationship didn't lasts long it was poor communication tried but he was never available so i broke it off.

[@marioleclerc4566]

Lovely & so true thank you Susan !!!

[@johnmoreno5965]

😍 sweetie I loved the video I just love listening to you talk the advice is wonderful have a good day sweetness

[@Paul-11]

I would have called you back , not stood you up Susan 😁 🇬🇧 always listen to you vids ,reasoning and very good analysis. 👍🏻

[@Ida-no3zy]

I needed this.. Thank you!❤❤❤

[@ayoubhusamuldeen3256]

Watching your insightful videos put me on track to dig deep and be aware of the dream that I wanna create. You are incredible and quite beautiful, Susan. THANK YOU! ❤️

[@SusanWinter]

What a glorious complement! Thank you so very much!

[@summergriffith1798]

Perfect timing.

[@lucyloo7457]

Listening to this over and over until I memorize this!!!!!!! Needed today.

[@carolinemurphy997]

Thank you!!

[@vahllable]

oh my gosh... sooo powerful explanation... esp. the first few statement... so true👍👍

[@zeezyu]

You’re always spot on!

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@lucyloo7457]

Omg 😮 best video ever!!! Just stumbled on this one. This is what just happened to me, to a T. Perfectly said! Bravo Susan!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@cawi8450]

I Love You Susan ❤

[@karolinap8313]

I just saw a funny short animated video on youtube Your Heart in a Toxic Relationship of Casi Creativo English and I immediately thought of Susan and this video of her... When you see it, you realise... it is really not you! We cannot blame ourselves for lack of responsibility and abuse of someone else.

[@donaldgansky5907]

Great information. That was me. I needed to hear this Thanks.

[@SusanWinter]

Glad it was helpful!

[@youtubealiasoriginal]

You are a perfect speaker 👍

[@taliehmirsalehi7225]

You’re amazing Susan ❤

[@SusanWinter]

🤗 to you

[@rashaaltaee3379]

Thanks alot as always you are genius in saying what we need to hear i love you

[@marliscarlett9452]

Thank you

[@SusanWinter]

You're welcome

[@mlantieri]

Hi lovely Susan…..if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a DUCK. Self loathing is useless energy.

[@margoquintana2283]

Lots of us are unwilling to face reality even when it's right in front of us. We don't want to accept the ridiculously obvious truth . . . that they are not, for whatever reason, that interested. Thank them for their time in your mind and move on. The less time you spend ruminating over people who don't want to be with you, the more time you have to happily explore the world and possibly find the right someone.

[@99tinas]

Ty Susan ❤

[@SusanWinter]

You’re welcome!

[@zeedo666]

She's good!

[@loredanamunteanu5834]

Exactly 💯

[@flowerpower4944]

👍👍👍👍very very true 💯💯💯

[@SusanWinter]

Sending you an electronic hug. Thank you so much for your support

[@billydouglas7584]

Thanks so much Susan. This had helped me lots. Just had a situationship i was clear on what i was wanting but she wasn't looking for the same thing even though her tinder profile suggested long term. After we had hooked up a few times I expressed my feelings for something more but no she wasn't wanting the same thing with me. At least she was honest so i didn't get gohsted as such but hmm but I'm not sure why people say they are looking for one thing when really they not. It's hard to get, like it's not me that's the problem but... Yeah we are working on that. I'm a good happy honest being. I bring my heart and I'm real from the get go. Think some people just don't really know what they truly want 🤔 Appreciate your content.

[@rakhil1830]

Yup just went through this, I began what I thought was a relationship on March 2nd, I live in a different country so I didn’t see him for about 3 weeks and then I went back home and on April 2nd he wanted to break things off because I told him I wanted to reschedule a date because he kept cancelling on me all day until 8 pm at night. I even met his family. Idk why people are so crazy these days.

[@flower_7890]

Love your nails Susan 😍

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!!! I love my nail tech!!!

[@lymanmayhew935]

"Like" no "Love" your channel

[@StoneColdFox17]

"I did it for research" 😅

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@GordonPavilion]

Take responsibility for yourself, not them.

[@debbie6533]

I did not do anything wrong. I decided a long time don't try to figure them out. I had a man tell me that not too long ago but what does he do? He calls me and asks me to relocate across the United States? He must think I am stupuid. This does not work for me Ta ta

[@Kimberlysalchemy]

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@hard2kill16]

Hello Susan, do you have tips for when you talk to someone online and the conversations are one sided? They Do reply, but never ask questions or when I put my phone down they never open the conversation by themselves

[@Babesinthewood97]

Omg thank you for not saying that everything that happens to you/me is your own doing. It is NOT. I was hoping you wouldn’t say that. I was ready to unfollow in case I’d hear those words uttered again. What a relief. :) I’m staying with you Susan. I’ve actually listened to advice like that: you’re the problem, not them, for years, since I was little. Or a teenager in regards to romantic scenarios. The consequence being that every time I am disappointed or hurt, I give up and self isolate for literally years on end at a time. Because if it’s true that “it’s me” even though I try my absolute hardest, then everything is impossible. Hence: I’ve turned to self isolation. I find it so hurtful whenever people just throw those words at me or at anyone whenever some Other person behaves badly! We need truth to heal and the truth is that when someone disrespects you, or has bad dating behaviour; it’s on them. Keep in mind what is right and what is wrong. It applies to everyone. We deserve respect and honesty. To know that is respecting yourself and your value so that we can walk proudly through life.

[@lyndamcmullen5506]

❤❤❤

[@ernestomunoz5623]

It's not, but its ok.

[@jessicagoteborg]

Thank You Susan!! You made my whole day allot easier with this video 🩷

[@jasnavidic9972]

👍👍👍👍

[@remusgherman4602]

It's not you it's them.. 😉Yes logical when you do all that thing that takes by the book for starting a relationship and suddenly they woof? Dissipaire in the thin air is not you that you did something wrong, it's them.. They are not ready for that.. Don't push it try to understand.. You can't just plan everything, there a lot of things that coud interfere.

[@roberthostetler1665]

Actually it’s is you, in some of these instances. Sometimes we have given love and trust, and find the woman is on meds, drugs, or simply has no problem solving or coping skills…upbringing. So what we offered originally, is resented in favor of health.

[@mattcal6423]

So many feral people out there these days… stay strong Kings and Queens

[@StoneColdFox17]

💪

[@SusanWinter]

That made me laugh!

[@carriejo5225]

So much stupid stuff is going on! Common sense and consideration is a welcomed change.

[@SusanWinter]

I wish dating could be easier for all of you!

[@samhernandez6470]

Remember John 3:16 listen to I'm found by Toby Mac, and trying to hard to find something that it's not in my hands but Jesus. Thank you

[@mrpoet1213]

hey susan hope you're doing well, i need to talk to you please do contact me please 🙏