Dear Fearful Avoidant: 4 Key Signs You Are Becoming Securely Attached!

7-Day Free Trial: university.personaldevelopmen...
PDS Stay at Home Sale Code: WITHYOU -- 25% off All 3, 6, 8, 12 month memberships & individual course purchases to support our community during this time! university.personaldevelopmen...
Dear Fearful Avoidant: Key Signs You Are Becoming Securely Attached
- 4 Key Signs You're Becoming Securely Attached
- Signposts & Milestones
- Hypervigilance
- Expressing Needs
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.personaldevelopmen...
Lastly, if you’re interested in shorter form content and tips, follow my Instagram page! @personaldevelopment_school
I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!

[@sen.sanchariii]

1. Regulation of hypervigilance 2. Speaking up about feelings and needs 3. Noticing the boundaries 4. Not sympathizing

[@That_Handle]

_Thank you._ I still find value in Thais' anecdotals, interplay, etc. she offers. Do you happen to have their timestamps to cue right up for future, return referencing? Again, thank you.👍

[@niar3214]

@James Bond me too but I think it’s about what you assign the meaning to the hyperviligance You can still have hyperviligance Thais says she still has it

[@nicolabrittain3101]

I sympathise with everyone. Is a problem

[@nicolabrittain3101]

@James Bond yeah I always know what's going on at work

[@Stopstalkingme333]

🤦these stepping stones feel impossible for me.

[@LelaJoonam]

I don’t think people talk enough about how hard it is to respect your own boundaries and standards when you realize them. I recently ended things with someone I really liked but he wasn’t communicating up to my standards (very avoidant) and while I respected my boundaries by breaking things off, it was one of the first times I had done that while I still actively liked someone and wasn’t totally fed up and it really sucks but I refuse to continue this game of limbo with my standards

[@vodkaandlime]

I'm so excited to notice I'm making progress in these areas. At the weekend I had a conversation with someone I'm dating, where I clearly and comfortably expressed what I need from him in order to feel safe moving things forward. It was wonderful and freeing, and I was so clear with both what and why. Even better is that the anxiety I was feeling about the relationship, and all the negative thoughts I was assigning to the situation disappeared. Who knew that sharing my own needs and feelings would feel so good?!

[@grrlinglasses]

That's awesome @kittenboots, Thanks for sharing. I'm recognizing more when I need to speak up instead of keeping it in.

[@sanamsitaram7940]

Yes! This is me

[@andreahoyosl]

I’m in the same page

[@dnt_vtepedr]

One of the most helpful ideas that was shared with me on my journey was about how our subconscious mind is like the big mama of the house. If big mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy. If the whole family wants to do something but she doesn't want to do it, it is a no go. You have to carefully ease her into whatever your trying to do and convince her in little steps that makes big mama feel safe.

[@martinrehout9121]

As a FA, it felt so validating when I was able to check off all the points you've made about becoming more secure, and recognize my commitment to all those behaviors on a consistent basis! I couldn't be more proud of myself! Thank you Thais! :)

[@MisuZama]

I knew I was growing more secure when I could accept that my partner was naturally an extreme workaholic and that i didn't need to create a story for myself. I stopped internalizing behaviors and actually don't take things personally. I am comfortable saying no, more accepting of what I want and don't want and not anxious about verbalising this...

[@ginnytilby]

What is the 4th Key Sign? Did I miss it? Also I loooooved this video thank you!! 1. Questioning & Changing Your "Stories" - You notice when you are assuming / assigning painful meaning to others' behaviors that looks to you like they are about to leave the relationship, and question it, and change the meaning. 2. Communicating - You start speaking up and saying what you notice and expressing a need/asking for clarification and communicating in healthy ways, instead of telling a story, giving painful meaning to it, and then deactivating from relationship. 3. Boundaries - you start to notice them, you respect them, and you start to enforce your own. Shows that you trust yourself enough to show up for yourself.

[@tulip5210]

I missed it too!

[@alisonyoung1232]

4. It's being able to empathise with others and see their point of view truly not sympathise with what you recognise within yourself- especially when triggered and overwhelmed by emotions Thats what I understand:)

[@rebeccacarraway480]

Hypervigilance feels like staring through a stampede looking for a gap to go through to get out of it.

[@CJ-zs4xd]

My therapist told me my attachment style can’t change. Good to hear otherwise.

[@chrissearcher3563]

Time to change your therapist lol

[@fatadesculta]

Yeey, I’m so happy to hear that, it seems like I’m getting more secure after 4 months of work☺️❤️

[@mzi3935]

4 months...yo...how did you do that so fast!??!

[@fatadesculta]

Mz I, I had en emotional crash back in September so I really wanted to figure out what is wrong with me so that I’m empowered to act on it. Since January I’ve been spending my evening with journaling and at first listened to loads of Thais’s videos, then in February I bought a PDS membership and done 5 courses. Also since then I’m spending my evenings (it’s convenient now with the pandemic times) - meditating, going through my day and journaling. It’s like dating myself, it started to feel addictive, I don’t accept any call after 9pm, it’s me-time ☺️ and I’m looking forward to it.

[@fatadesculta]

It’s still a long journey and I feel like there is so much to work on. But it’s all about progress and baby steps, accepting it and not rushing...

[@mzi3935]

Well done you! And thank you for sharing 🙏🏼🦋💫

[@mzi3935]

Thank you. You have given me Hope 🥰🦋💫

[@TV-wy1py]

True growth and development are tested in a relationship.

[@angeazze6667]

5.55 time stamp

[@emangrabogadi1051]

Thankful to PDS, I am now predominantly/primarily secure (41%) and 24% FA (Secondary attachment) and DA. More than a year ago, I was over 70% FA haha! I can fully relate to all of these, even though I must admit it always feels as though I am dismissive when I choose my feelings haha cause I generally don't feel as much anxiety as I used to as an FA. I feel subtle anxiety still when setting boundaries especially to my FA mom haha, but still speak up either way. Thank you PDS and Thais. My life is very different and I'm grateful

[@jermainerivers4450]

Thais, your "rant" was very appreciated and needed because I've personally had the experience of following a therapist who believed we are stuck with our style for life. I appreciate this guy because he was the first to introduce me to insight into why I was feeling and behaving the way I was. But your videos are what brought me to a new conclusion, which is that there is actual hope. We can change our attachment styles and move into balance and security.

[@vonkunstler884]

As a fearful avoidant, learning about 'hypervigilance' explains so much. Stopping the false narratives today. Thank you Thais!

[@trudieangelica]

I started writing down the worst case scenario whenever I got anxious. I'd also write down the best case scenario, and reason to myself that the truth probably lay somewhere in the middle.

[@_linlin_]

The actual video starts at 8:58. You could at least put it somewhere. If I am here I know my attachment and don't need more than half of the video to be an ad :)

[@viviancardenas5032]

Thank you for the video! Good rant!

[@morvenmacleod9559]

This excellent! Thank you.

[@MzSoulll]

I"m so glad I found your channel. This confirms for me that I'm heading in the right direction.

[@MsSparroweye]

Thais, thank you is too small words for the appreciation I feel towards you. You have litterally changed my life. I was already on my healing journey, but I didn't know I am FA and thus had the wrong tools. THanks to your videos and test on the web site I was able to find that out. ANd now I feel so fortunate to be able to do the work the right way and I am seeing a lot more SA in my test weekly. The road is long, but I feel so supported by PDA, you and the FB group. So, thank you is not enough but I'll still tell you THANK YOU.

[@sharonkohlhardt7750]

So helpful. Thank you Thais 💐

[@maureenroberts3938]

Excellent! Thank You!!!!

[@sfhiphop]

Your videos are awesome - thank you! Just a heads up since I've noticed this in a few of your videos - but avoidant attachment is actually not self soothing - they are doing what is called "auto regulation" which is different then healthy self-regulation (what occurs in secure attached folks). If it was actually self-soothing, they would be secure and not need healing on the nervous system because their vagal state wouldn't go into shutdown or freeze response. What happens is they may actually appear fine externally, but when coritsol levels and things were tested, it was found that what was going on inside the body said otherwise and they internally still exhibit high signs of stress. This is a common misconception, but Diane Poole Heller's work is a great resource for understanding the difference, as well as Deb Dana's work on trauma (evolved from Stephen Porges' work on vagal states). What's happening in the physiology is quite different than self-soothing + having a clearer understand of this is really valuable in avoidant attachment adaptations to heal.

[@sarahg2161]

Thank you so much for this! I've really been diving in to attachment styles over the last year but haven't been able to go to therapy yet. But you list just confirms that I've been working on the right things. It's so hard to give up the stories, because I think they are based a little in truth. I do read emotions well and sometimes it is about me. So it can be hard to let go when I've gotten some right. I also want to add, I think another sign might be feeling more ok when someone is upset with you. This has been something I've been practicing. Telling myself I'm still safe and that their anger doesn't say anything about their love or respect for me. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person or wanted to hurt or upset them. It just means something happened and they felt anger.

[@iamdragon5914]

Heck yeah, that's huge. Knowing I'm not responsible for how someone feels and no one is responsible for how I feel is so EMPOWERING. I empathize without taking on as often...lol. I allow myself to feel whatever and others are free to do the same. ;)

[@noemijoan6119]

Wonderful ❤️ thank you

[@BeautyWithinKakra]

I normally don’t post but really thank you Thais!! I’ve noticed me practicing these things you’ve mentioned and that makes me extremely happy 😊 without your videos I would be stuck repeating the cycle

[@nurarifah3109]

Thank you for the video!! It's confirm what I have been through now. I feel much secure and your explanation validate it!

[@melissal4363]

I read the book attached. And I immediately knew there must be a way to change your attachment style and I would seek that out. I'm grateful to have found that you and your wisdom. Anyone can change anything, but we need to take a deep dive. Meditation, self awareness and steady stream of healthy content into my brain have helped me so much.🙏

[@Natashabowman13]

Thank you so much for sharing this content. It is so valuable. I am learning so much about myself!

[@sunshinestar6076]

Thank you Thais for giving me for tHe first time in my life the awareness of my needs ✨

[@wht1232]

Thais, as always, thank you for these amazing videos and the webinars in the school are AMAZING. You always answer everyone’s questions so throughly, it almost feels like a personal conversation. I am eternally grateful. 🙏🏼

[@62442islife]

Thais, you've done so much for me over the last few months. I'm so grateful for you and for these videos! Thank you so much!

[@ChocolateTinkerbell]

Hello Thais, I am truly grateful for your content and the clarity in your delivering of the message. I am curious does any of your packages offer one on one sessions?

[@NicoleHeals]

Thank you for all that you do!

[@TB-og3ot]

Loveee what you said ab Attached booking giving awareness but not giving you tools to change. I read the whole book within a few days and I was like ok what next?? How do I fix this lol I wish there was a scientifically proven book on some steps but I’m so glad I found you .

[@peaches44]

Good to know I'm healing! 🥰 This is all hard work within 4-5 months ❤️ I'm excited to see where I'll be in another 4-5 months

[@Greenwitch_Garden]

You changed my life for the better. Thank you, Thais ❤

[@Czymoch1993]

starting at 5:47 -.- besides thats: great video! thanks!

[@hildaleon4316]

Thank you Thais for making these videos . What books do you recommend for strategies around attachment styles ?

[@carradee]

This is reassuring, at least. So I need to focus on learning to recognize and acknowledge my own emotions and boundaries and needs. I've been working in that already, and I even realized the other day something about my personality that explains some things and will ultimately be very helpful on that front. Progress is good. Now, if I could just pull out of the current triggering flareup (I have that dual longing for connection and strong urge to self-isolate, right now), that would be *great*. I think I misidentified the root, because something unexpected helped soothe it, yesterday. [sigh]

[@Thestyleoflifeworthlivin]

Thank you ❤️

[@iddefusco]

“The 4 key signs” @ 5:50

[@HadashiMartialArts]

I'm definately getting there, judging from these pointers, Thais. I'm doing all these things now on the 4 that you have outlined. Still a ways to go but it's nice to know I'm heading in the right direction at least. I find the last one the hardest, or maybe it's the third one. It's the one about communicating my feelings to someone. I feel like I mess that part up all the time and so it makes me reluctant to try, afraid I will mess it up. I seem to not very adept at communicating verbally how I feel without having some negative affect on the listener.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi Andrea! That's so wonderful. I would be patient with yourself in the last one and use the exposure-reprogramming technique to start in very small chunks and build up incrementally over time! You can start with small needs and share more vulnerable ones as time goes on. You can also share needs with people who are closest/you trust most and then work on sharing with the more challenging characters in your life over time!

[@HadashiMartialArts]

Thank you for the advice. Small steps with trusted people seems like a good way to approach it. 🙏🙏🙏

[@grrlinglasses]

Thank Thais!

[@lavalampazzz]

Yeah I tried not "reading too much into" his behavior. Tried to have a more secure attachment and not assume the worst. Turns out I was just ignoring my intuition and I was right all a long. In trying to be more secure I gaslighted my own damn self...

[@lavalampazzz]

Sometimes hypervigilance is a gift to be listened to. I'll never ignore mine again. Wasted a whole year.

[@spikygreen]

I think the point is not that you should ignore your intuition/hypervigilance. The point is that you should listen to it but not rely on hypervigilance as your ONLY method of gathering info and keeping yourself safe. Instead, a healthy version would be to talk, to open a calm conversation when you notice a change in pattern, or when your needs are not met, or when you need to set a boundary. Secure people presumably don't have hypervigilance but still manage to keep themselves safe, learn about their partner's preferences, communicate about their own needs and boundaries, and walk away from unhealthy situations, because they use direct communication and get information in a more direct way. Basically, hypervigilance is like a very roundabout and energy-consuming way to go about these things.

[@yeonsollee6592]

Thais, it feels like it’s easy to feel like I am secure when I am single. And beginning of the relationships, I am able to stay secure until a triggered and fall back into all these patterns again and no matter how I try to not be that way because it hurts the relationship, I feel like maybe I fail to assert boundary in the beginning of the relationship where things r presented to be unstable, I stay patient and try to push through.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

You are an angel :)

[@samhassell1019]

Thank you Thais. I'm 28 and I've made a mess of my past relationships - constantly longing for love but once I get it feeling like I need to run. Recently came across fearful avoidant attachment and f*cking hell it's me. But your videos, along with the videos of others, are helping me to understand myself and give me hope that I can change - especially your rant at the beginning of this video :) So thank you

[@Simplentertainments]

The first thing starts at 8:50 if you’re rewatching and want to get to the juice fast. Otherwise the whole vid is pretty informative regardless.

[@belonging9200]

I wonder in recognizing the stories and patterns of meaning we attach, if there is also a necessary step of grieving these feelings that fuel the pattern?

[@5gx673]

That's a good observation. Have you found it to be true?

[@Stopstalkingme333]

Starts at 5:52

[@DrexelGregory]

Thais I got a question. Supposedly people can change their attachment styles. What makes an FA become Anxiously Attached? You could do a video on that

[@jppoco8366]

End of intro 05:47

[@cecillyrowe9875]

I'm wondering,can I get my masters degree with a combination of these problems?

[@amelieschulz4075]

Thank you, that was very helpful and gave me hope that it's possible to change - I already noticed some of what you mention and that makes me very happy :) But didn't you only talk about 3 things and not 4? Or did I miss something? 1. Questioning your hypervigiliance 2. Expressing your needs 3. Setting boundaries 4. ?

[@maryannaclairmont9071]

Is 4 being able to trust yourself to communicate needs and boundaries and being able to show up for yourself in those regards?? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@reenujose4361]

5:52

[@spiritwanderer777]

How do you know what your needs are? After being in a relationship with a DA for 2.5 years (I ended it a month ago) I'm no longer sure what they are :(

[@soulcee8796]

How can I get the free needs list?

[@lisaschaefer8936]

My ex and I ended things just a few days ago due to him not being fully emotionally available and not being able to give me what I deserve.. ive suspected he's fearful avoidant. I had offered to bring him his things right away to get it over with but he said he wants to wait a few weeks because he's not ready to see me yet. But its only been 3 days and now he's already texting me asking if I want him to call me and he keeps "liking" all of my social media posts. What is he thinking? Do I take the call? Or forget him? I haven't responded yet.

[@That_Handle]

Thais has some good videos I've found for ~dating , ~being involved/associated with FAs in addition to her videos on how to get an ex back who is a FA ( *_ONLY_* if it's healthy to do so - each of you - and why _NOT_ to do so yet ) . Best wishes. 👍✌🤟👐🙌👏✊👊✊🤝🖖👋

[@TV-wy1py]

If he's worth it..reach back and define your boundaries...communicate, communicate, communicate. FA types may not always like structure but they need it. Make sure you're clear, firm and consistent in what you communicate bc he will be keeping track and watching out for inconsistencies. Model the behavior you want from him..teach him how to treat you. I know that sounds like a lot and that's why you have to ask yourself if he's worth the effort at this point. Best wishes.

[@TV-wy1py]

It's a big turn-off when ppl talk down about other tools & resources to upsell their's, which is precisely what your rant is about at the beginning. Personal recovery is just that.."personal"...it's not a 'one size fits all'...what may work for one person may not work for another. The point of having a variety of tools and resources available is to give ppl options to find what helps them. You sound like a religious person trying to preach that your religion offers the one true path...which isn't the case.

[@amlacy9127]

Oh my God, this confirms I’m actually doing it…🥹🥰