Love Is Blind S3 #50 - (Cole Interview #8) - Therapist Reacts

[@dariasmeh]

From "gross" to "this is great", the first half of this episode is an emotional rollercoaster for Kirky! Very entertaining and wonderful to see your emotional depth and dynamic nature, Kirk.

[@ashelliot8895]

"Kirky" lmao

[@zararashid5827]

I find some of Cole's views on women borderline problematic and backward, maybe it's just the culture he was brought up in or it's just plain ignorance. He seemingly has a very misinformed view and understanding of women, maybe this is due to the fact that he hasn't had many relationships with women so is quite naive in that respect, and just believes all the stereotypes that the media and American culture has perpetuated, either that or he just doesn't really respect women as much as he respects other men.

[@mariyamak]

He also grew up in a religious, conservative environment and seems to have exited that into some sort of bro culture. None of these environments are exactly feminist.

[@ericalivinglife693]

@@mariyamak True, also the other guy at the table had a former 'pastor' tell him to break up with his fiancee bc he felt she was a Jezebel basically. He did it and eventually left that church(got back with her). He admitted it was cult like. I don't know if Colt was involved in that but, they run in the same circles.

[@jdelgado1557]

@@ericalivinglife693 if I’m correct, which I’m not entirely sure because there’s been a lot of info floating around, I believe Cole was pretty deep into religion in his early life and into his early adulthood. Think it also influenced him why he got married the first time. That kind of programming just doesn’t go away in weeks or months. That’s years of reframing. Maybe this whole experience accelerated that. Still has a long way to go.

[@andra9601]

Yes I think Cole is heavily influenced by his culture and religious background.. and with a little bit (or a lot in some areas) of introspection and learning, and reframing, I think he can grow up to be an amazing resource to people in his life, because to me, he seems open to learn and able to communicate openly and honestly about these ideas.

[@ayrizchowdhury7170]

I feel similar to you and obviously can understand where all of it come from. I also see potential to be better and hope he reaches his potential.

[@-NiamhWitch-]

I (a woman) have to tell my husband all the time that I cannot read his mind, lol. It's definitely not a gender thing. He thinks I can understand some sort of subtext of what he tells me, but I also have ADHD so a lot of times if you don't straight up tell me what you're thinking, I have no idea what you're thinking! lol

[@jclyntoledo]

Interesting bc the telling someone the last half of your thought is definitely an executive dysfunction thing which is what a lot of ADHD ppl will do.

[@pcstew3]

I had an 11 year relationship end bc of this. My ex thought I should be able to know what he wants without him telling me issues he had. He finally told me when we broke up and I was like all this is so fixable but I didn't get the option bc he said he shouldn't have had to tell me and me making changes doesn't count bc he had to tell me. Then he moved in a woman a decade younger then me a week later so.

[@Ola_Stawinska]

My husband has frequently whole conversations in his head and then suddenly say some part out loud, expecting me to know, what he is talking about :D definitely not a gender thing.

[@NatalieeRaine]

I just recently found your videos, and let me tell you I have learned so much about myself and other people in a way that is so understandable and relatable. I’ve only seen a couple and I’m already very impressed with your intelligent outlook and perspective. I feel like you’re very unbiased and neutral and see things from a very logical perspective that is very inclusive of many ideologies. Love the channel keep up the great work you have a new follower!❤

[@johannashelley4546]

That pink is a really nice color on you Dr Honda 👌

[@amos.m1286]

It’s so incredibly hard for me to take in what they say when talk about women like this. Even if some of what they are saying is okay, the misogyny and sexism makes everything else white noise 😭.

[@honeycrawford3198]

thank you!

[@astrobymina36]

it's talking a lot of Cole 🤣

[@sarahsmith3682]

Yup, exactly

[@Evie534]

10:25 this is so good and reassuring that ending relationships takes time. I have felt expected by a therapist in the past to leave a relationship and I would actually come back to the session and lie that I cut things off with that person

[@lucylohan8894]

For me personally it's mentally exhausting, having to relive trauma and explain it to people over and over again just to find a good fit. Then, at the end of the session or end of the day, you're left with nothing but these feelings of trauma that you've had to re-lived during your session.

[@abrianna9676]

oh wow yeah that's valid

[@lucylohan8894]

@@abrianna9676 of sucks. And even though I'm sure Dr. Honda has been through some trauma. people have been through horrendous lives, and it's incredibly debilitating trying to find a good fit when you have to relive your trauma every session.

[@Asdfghjkl-ee3zw]

I completely feel this. The emotional labor can be really exhausting. One thing I saw from the disabled community is to create an informational document with all of the established issues prior to that point. In their case, it was previous diagnoses, ongoing issues, background, previous doctors, medical trauma, etc. I think maybe we could use that to give a primer to our therapists. "Here's a run-down of my family, trauma, and etc. Can you read it and we'll start discussion next session?" lol.

[@esharp86]

This is my experience exactly. And just so tired of opening up about it al and getting nothing but quiet listening in return. 5 therapists and dozens of sessions down, not one actionable piece of advice. They just sit there nodding and asking me how it makes me feel, and I’m like “fucking awful obviously!” Then I basically just cry until they say times up out you go. The only one that I even somewhat liked I had 4 sessions with… it was because he had a really sweet dog. Paid $80/hour to pet a dog.

[@Peeegoska]

Feel blessed that I had the chance to find the right therapist the first time without referal.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I've heard some real horror stories about therapists so you're lucky that you found one that works for you.

[@Peeegoska]

@@Aaron-kj8dv Yeah, me too, especially from Kirk haha!

[@RenayOpish]

I did too- one of the biggest blessings of my life!

[@FreckleFinance]

It always makes me feel better when you discuss how it takes time to leave. I really tried to make the marriage work but it became obvious that since it was solely up to me to fix it wasn't going to get fixed. I think i waited in denial for a while then spent a year really seeing if things COULD work and ultimately ended things

[@KZesty]

Shout out to my awesome therapist who is an older woman ✌️

[@mkaverage4773]

We don’t expect people to read our minds. We expect people to know how to do the bare minimum & know how to treat humans with respect.

[@mkaverage4773]

3:40 He can’t imagine having a female therapist because he doesn’t look up to women. I wonder why that is. The world we be a much better place if we encouraged kids to respect & look up to all genders.

[@AiSayuriChan]

Once again you said so many important and intelligent things, Dr Honda! :) I haven't been in therapy yet (although I've been wanting to forever, it's just not as simple as it sounds to get a spot, let alone finding a therapist who fits me) but I can totally relate to the "things need time" sentiment. I've been relfecting on my childhood and family issues for a decade now and I've realized it's better to cut contact with specific people quite some time ago, too, but I couldn't yet. It was approximately two weeks ago when I finally decided I've had enough and established some solid boundaries around these people. Even then I didn't want to cut contact with them as the boundaries were meant to make our relationship healthier. But their reply was, well, let's say it was not unexpected. And you know what? Although my boundaries weren't meant to cut them off, I did know no contact could be the result of stating them, so I was mentally prepared to lose these people. It still hurts but I'm in a good place mentally to go through with this and view it as a chance for healing myself. It was a process in the way I had to learn how to establish boundaries, I started distancing myself from them some time ago (an ongoing process for the last decade actually) and that got me to a place where I'm fine with the result even if it hurts.

[@andra9601]

Yay thumbs up for the therapist chat! Happy to hear young men dismantle the negative stigma about going to therapy! 🎉

[@rethinkcps2116]

Random dunks on "middle-aged women's were offensive. And gave rise to chortle. 😒

[@ashelliot8895]

Even though an older female therapist is least likely to understand me, there's a huge advantage - maternal transference lol

[@LeandroVelez7]

Just because one aspect of the relationship is difficult, even inflexible, doesn’t mean one has to cut the relationship out of one’s life. I hope therapy strives to make people more compassionate to others and not another view of black and white thinking.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I find where Cole and Zainab went to get interviewed very interesting. Cole's interviews seem to have a lot more depth.

[@indiefairy09]

Right!! Even if he can be cringe at times he’s way more self reflective than her. It explains so much

[@shannontrent3702]

I've been in therapy several times in my life. This last time, I tried 3 before I found one I stuck with for the few sessions we had. Although, I think this time, I just needed a kickstart to communicating with my husband better, so there were only a few sessions before he said "Ok, y'all are good to go for a while without me.". I also had a week intensive therapy and it was so great. I actually broke off a relationship I had been in a few months as soon as I returned home. I knew it wasn't long term and didn't want to drag it out and get more attached.

[@andedom]

Cole is making me cringe in this interview. So much internalized misogyny. Edit: Listened further and realized he’s saying this is why “men” don’t go to therapy.

[@TheGamingFilly]

Small nitpick but just fyi: "internalized misogyny" refers specifically to *women's* misogyny that they've picked up on from living in a sexist society and repeat to others/themselves sometimes without registering it as misogynistic and therefore, harmful to them and others like them (same for "internalized homophobia, transphobia", etc.). Men's misogyny is simply "misogyny".

[@antoniaalcala9064]

@@TheGamingFilly huh, had no idea. Thanks for the explanation!

[@MsJeanneMarie]

@@TheGamingFillythank you!

[@andedom]

@@TheGamingFilly ahhh thank you for the clarification!

[@Tyda777]

How do you know if a client is distorted?

[@jeans0130]

Dr Kirk. Just an idea 💡. Maybe extend an invitation to have Cole and Zanab in your show together so they can hash it out with the facilitation of an actual therapist. I would actually pay to watch that.

[@gdjwarren2]

Abs not! Painful.

[@MsJeanneMarie]

That would be so cool if Kirk did that with any couple!!

[@djamilawilschke7259]

omg, please not - particularly don’t make it about “paying money” that’s just borderline sensationalistic, let’s do housecleaning in our own lives, shall we? there are boundaries that should be respected, let them keep their therapy sessions private if they should ever chose to do them

[@jeans0130]

@@djamilawilschke7259 they wouldn't be talking about stuff that we haven't already seen or discussed. They wouldn't be talking about anything unrelated to their experience in the show. And they've been talking about their experiences in interviews. What would be the difference if we put them together in one interview? Dr Kirk doesn't have to diagnose anyone. Just facilitate the conversation between the 2. It's like married at first sight but on you tube.

[@Billiedakid]

I like Cole a lot but he is very misogynistic, he may not realize he is, but he urgently needs a friend or a therapist who let him know he is the wrong with this comments.

[@ericalivinglife693]

I'm a woman and have many cohesive thoughts about this.🥴

[@OceanLily]

My biggest problem with Cole was he wanted a “Lily” but chose a “Zanab “ yet expected her to fit in the “Lily” box🤡

[@OceanLily]

@Ruth I actually wasn’t talking about race. By “Lily” I meant Southern, conservative, Christian, sorority sister, cheerleader, prom queen, apple pie and town fair. Someone who lived the same childhood as him. I don’t think Cole is racist just an idiot😂

[@LearnPolishwithEvaKam]

I think Cole is just so misunderstood. He has a specific sense of humour. Do I like it? Not entirely. But women acting so offended as if they have never complained to their women friends about how guys are being “guys” .. oh he’s such a man , he isn’t romantic, oh he’s such a man he never listens , oh he’s such a man he doesn’t understand me. we do that. Period. Let’s not judge him entirely based on one sentence. He’s said many positive things that should be applauded.

[@bobococo89]

Yes ma’am

[@stephaniesilvan3526]

You do that. Not "we" do that. If you do that and you're fine dating people who habitually make sexist statements, you do you. Doesn't mean the rest of us has to embrace sexism if we choose not to. 🙅

[@rethinkcps2116]

"I don't do nurses"

[@Youokhun]

I feel the same with some guys too, they don’t communicate exactly what they’re thinking or feeling and will blow up at a later stage if I don’t pull it out of them!! I’m not a mind reader either.. so it’s not gender specific 🙄

[@User_1414b]

Hi Dr. Honda! Did you get a haircut? Looks nice! :)

[@marlynsantos9677]

Soo this is a bit frustrating... I love Dr. H but this went on a whole tangent that missed the point. If you listen to the whole interview I thought it was actually pretty balanced. For clarification, the premise of those questions was specifically from women asking them "guy questions" during "bro talk", with a surprise guest speaker. And I understand Dr. H wants everything to be gender-neutral but in this context it's heterosexual men talking about their experience not a general conversation about everyone. They even talked about how important talking and feeling validated while expressing feelings in a safe spaces like a barber shop or a basketball court. Dr. H skipped interesting points like the fact that Zenab and Cole even had couples counseling during the show that they filmed but didn't include. I thought Dr. H would DEFINITELY include that since it was so relevant. Hopefully we get get to hear more.

[@demJem09]

Friend, the podcast is at least an hour long and Dr Kirk reacts to minutes of an episode at a time.

[@marlynsantos9677]

@DemJem Lol I know, I may have gone on a rant my bad. But if you see the time stamp in the vid clip he's almost at the end so I was frustrated with the meaty parts he skipped, which I thought would've been relevant to include. I thought this reaction would be satisfying and informative to watch but it felt like it went on a whole side tangent. Oh well, lots of great content in other of his vids, I was just looking forward to this one

[@demJem09]

@@marlynsantos9677 OH I see, I missed that! Yeah I totally get the feeling when he skips the part you wanna hear about the most. Have you seen the other Love is Blind interview videos? Im so sure Coleen said they had therapy, or Cole mentioned it in another podcast, and Kirk had something small to say about that. I couldnt link you where I heard it tho sorry

[@marlynsantos9677]

@DemJem Yeah I've stumbled across a couple of interviews. Altho to be honest the most interesting are the therapist reactions to the series. Lol

[@donato286]

I think Dr. Honda is right to call out the direction in which the conversation went. No one prevented Cole from speaking specifically about his past experiences or the most recent one with Zanab. Instead, he opted for the word "dudes" and thus established a link between gender and a skill (communication) that doesn't depend on gender. Granted, we could (and perhaps should) argue that the questions are problematic in how they were worded too, but again there was nothing that prevented Cole from addressing the wording of the questions and rejecting their generalizing overtone at the beginning of his response. Instead, I think we got a glimpse into his value system which is not fully immune to sexism and which, if I may add, reared its questionable head in subtle and not-so-subtle ways during the show Love is Blind.

[@nanablooms]

Good episode 🙂

[@dct90210]

All he was saying is women communicate differently than men and it's confusing. Yes, the statements were generalized but I give him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't believe all women act this way.

[@ness0388]

As I said on the previous video, we already know Cole's memory attention span is trash. Sounds like someone has told you some info before and is following up on that information. Perhaps he doesn't talk to his male friends as much so they have to give the full context because it's the first time the friends have ever heard the info. I've also noticed people who don't share a lot often repeat themselves over and over and I'm like you already told me this part of the story 😂

[@nnn9122]

That's a good point.

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

Best interview with Cole was The Bey’s TV.

[@CarminaAmza]

truth.

[@donteverfckwithmyvibe]

The NETS podcast interview was pretty good too, funny

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

@@donteverfckwithmyvibe I just watched that yesterdays. It was funny. It was different. Nice change.

[@bobococo89]

Agreed!

[@2daFull]

I find it very interesting that he goes in on Cole about making characterizations about women, but in the next scene Dr. Honda does the same thing about men. Even goes as far as say men think have narcissistic thoughts when it comes to going to therapy.

[@demJem09]

I find it more interesting how you missed what he actually said, which is that men are more socialised to think more narcissistically, not that they actually do

[@2daFull]

@DemJem it's still a broad generalization of what men go through and who they are, which was my point. I think it's normal to do this. Cole is only speaking from his perspective, but it's normal to speak broadly. He probably doesn't mean every woman or man does this but from in his experiences or perspective this is normal behavior. I'm assuming Dr. Honda is not saying this for all men but his words said it was how men are generally socialized which is a broad brush to paint.

[@Samsterpiece]

He doesn’t say that. He says that men are socialized to do or think certain things. It doesn’t mean they actually think or do those things but are taught that this is what they should do. So when it comes down to it, we have a lot of men who are dealing with issues because of societal expectations. Cole on the other hand is making characterizations about men genuinely just naturally being better at communicating than women. As Dr. Honda said, there is no data on that and you can’t generalize personality traits according to gender. You *can* generalize societal expectations based on gender.

[@demJem09]

@@2daFull the difference is that dr kirks comment came from research and data while cole's came from anecdotal evidence. One holds more weight than the other. If your issue is that dr kirk said people shouldnt generalize others and then goes to generalize, then that doesnt make sense either, coz dr kirk is saying what society generally puts on a gender whereas cole is outright saying a whole gender is X.

[@arinaabz]

It's so interesting that there is an idea that most therapists are women.. because that's not been my experience at all. I've encountered more male therapist than female therapists.

[@arinaabz]

Also, I changed therapists a number of times for various reasons: fit, retirement, style that worked for one part of life that didn't quite work after some time, etc..

[@xsenobe4396]

@@arinaabz well statistically where I live that is true, men are therapists much less frequently

[@mamameg9916]

Are watchers requesting these Coke and Zanab interviews still?

[@verucabeloved1]

I think everyone goes through struggles and mental health issues. (There are extreme exceptions of course). What the majority of us need is to remember we have older family members as role models, mentors, provide friendship, all of that matters. We don’t need to feel less than for needing help or advice. We need to take advantage of the fact we have people in our lives we can reach out to for free. We don’t have to pay for it, it’s free, and we think we are burdening these people that are in our lives, but we are not. They are waiting to help us and matter to us. They are waiting for us to need them and teach us to be strong. My dad and grandparents are that for me. I am 42 years old and just realized this.

[@ms-corleone]

You are blessed. By grandparents have all passed and my parents are both unavailable and unhelpful. I do have aunts and uncles, but they do not fit this role, either. We all have to create a village (not just for raising kids), and everyone needs to figure out how to configure theirs.

[@lavinder11]

I thought the point of this podcast was for women to ask questions about men. Isn't it a given that it's general with many blanket statements?

[@c.m.j.454]

Good point. I’ve noticed that Cole riffs a lot and speaks to people as if they’re long time friends. He seems to forget that hundreds of thousands of people could potentially be listening to his words. I don’t fault him for the generalities too much, because it seems clear he is talking about his own experiences. Seen enough of him to gather that he’s not dumb enough to be applying these generalizations to people across the world, different socio-economic backgrounds, religious beliefs, gender identities etc.

[@mariyamak]

@@c.m.j.454 ok, but it's very irresponsible of the hosts to continue this conversation in very sexist (and inaccurate) generalities.

[@antoniaalcala9064]

@@c.m.j.454 While I wouldn't categorize him as "not dumb enough" I've come to learn not to have middling expectations of common sense or other's experiences from Cole. He is completely capable of applying these generalizations broadly and not just based on his experience. He's young and has already made so many relational mistakes. I actually don't know why you'd assume he wouldn't generalize.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@antoniaalcala9064 Thank you! I hate when ppl try to defend others for saying stereotypes or any other blanket generalization. If they are saying it then guarantee they know what it means and they 100% believe it. This effects how the person goes out into the world and connects with others. It''s likely that Cole is finding women that match his preconceived notions of how he views women to confirm his bias. This happens with racism and other forms of biases from generalizations. No one is a monolith.

[@donato286]

@@jclyntoledo Agreed with you and Antonia. I'd just like to add that the participants in the interview are allowed to reject the generalizing premise and focus exclusively on their own experiences. At least that's what it seems. No one is holding anyone at gunpoint.

[@julimej8516]

🤍🤍💫💫

[@jclyntoledo]

I hate this interview and was hoping Dr. H didn't react to it bc I didn't listen all the way through. Plus it doesn't mention anything related to the show or his current relationships now.

[@DovesEyes623]

It does mention the show towards end. Cole shares about a meeting he and Zanab had with a pastor that is cut and it was a good discussion into what he thought of the edits for their story.

[@alba279]

This is a weird interview

[@DanielleMarieW]

“That, like, dudes would say.” Cringe. “Dude” is not an exclusive male or masculine word. I am a woman who is also a “dude.” Let’s keep this one gender-neutral.

[@magikenzee]

Men (like cole) be like "idk what women are thinking, I don't u derstand how women think.....etc" in one breath. Then all "I don't want to talk to a female therapist, well my guy friends all agree she's being stupid" like yes im sure the men in your life have more insight into a female than another woman that has dedicated their life to healthy communication and relationships 🤦‍♀️

[@LAFA_babe]

Did he say he doesn't want to talk to a female therapist?

[@magikenzee]

@@LAFA_babe 3:17 3:26 he's kind of implying it. I suppose I am making an assumption though

[@emiluontube-you]

Day 12 of asking Dr Honda to watch Change Days on Netflix 💖

[@LilBrownieD]

To be fair, PIS *should* be the first podcast these reality show stars come to after their seasons end, not some of those random ones

[@Sough]

Dude bro here!with best sentenceslike totally women shud speak more good! Zenab is still the worst though lol

[@Billchungus-e3e]

Another Cole pitty party vid huh

[@_crusoe]

Ryan, if you're being forced to watch these against your will then let us know. We're here to help.

[@ckwanita907]

Not at all, there were previously but this one is not.

[@DodoToutDoux]

Call the police. 😝

[@richarddawson5836]

What is so frustrating is to continue to hear Kirk put words in their mouths like "all women out there." They never say "all women". I don't believe this guy is a real therapist. Stereotypes are there for a reason Kirk. It doesn't mean it applies to "everyone". I am baffled he refuses to acknowledge that woman and men have certain tendencies and character traits that most intelligent people accept. It doesn't mean it applies to 100% of them but stop ignoring it and have guts. Once again I believe he is so terrified of offending his female audience and this cancel culture he won't take a stand on anything that could be perceived as negative towards women.

[@l.d.8800]

🙄

[@jclyntoledo]

Stereotypes are generalizations that expand to groups of ppl. It's a blanket statement, it does mean all of X grp and it isn't helpful or accurate at all. The more you know 🌈

[@antoniaalcala9064]

Totally understand your annoyance, but I really liked when he quoted the research and contextualized that 45% of men are not avoidantly attached and thus for almost half the male population it doesn't make sense to state that "men shut down". 55% of men constitutes a majority technically sure... but not an overwhelming majority the way that stereotypes would have you believe this is 90% of men. It's important to apply the research to stereotypes- why go around with unhelpful ideas and information that wouldn't help you with your male family member with a preoccupied or disorganized attachment who does the opposite of shutting down? Just another non political perspective.

[@antoniaalcala9064]

I also don't think Honda worries much about offending the audience at the cost of saying what he thinks is true... He's always going against the crowd and saying something unpopular amongst men, women, trolls. I actually get annoyed sometimes thinking he's got a thing for being contrarian or non conformist.

[@lovecat80]

I think these statements trigger Dr Kirk because he follows science and evidence-based therapy where it's important not to make blanket statements and always remain factual. Which is fair enough but these guys represent the layperson's voice and I don't expect them to follow these principles in their podcast conversations.

[@heatherweeks1487]

I love watching your videos and a couple of others on KZbin, but I always say I'll never see another therapist again. I don't trust them. I saw a few different ones in my 20s, which was fine. It was unproductive for me, but fine. But then when my little girl started with anorexia, and was then diagnosed with trauma and attachment disorder - they never got to the bottom of why, and could only assume lockdown did it, in COVID, me and her had always had a very close relationship that became more and more controlling over time, until she controlled who I spoke to, when I went to bed etc. I know it sounds ridiculous. She was a child and I was the parent, but it happened so gradually, until COVID hit and I was getting pushed down the stairs, strangled, dumbbells smashed over my head, etc., and no one believed me. It was a horrendous cycle of abuse. If you're in a DV relationship, you're told to leave. When it's your child, you can't. Unfortunately, every professional we saw blamed me. The violence escalated when I was trying to get her help for her anorexia, but I was accused of starving her. I was told it was all my fault because I'm the mother. My husband has always been right there, but that wasn't important. They passed on information like this to social services and it destroyed our family - I won't go into the ways. There was only one person who was trying to fight for our family, and that was the school child welfare. She'd known us since my daughter was tiny and listened to us. She kept trying to tell them that they were wrong. But she was a small singular voice among a whole bunch of "professional therapists". My daughter is a healthy weight now. She hasn't beaten me up for a year and a half. But we got there without any therapy - I couldn't take them saying, in front of the little girl who was beating and cutting me, that I was in the wrong, that she shouldn't listen to me, etc. :-(

[@heatherweeks1487]

I won't deny that I wasn't perfect. I'd thought I was a great mum until all this happened, and I'd loved being a mum. I'd brought up two step children as my own and had an amazing, talented, confident and clever mini me But by the time we'd got to all those therapists, I was broken and suicidal. I was negative and completely without hope with everyone saying it was my fault.... because the therapists said it, my parents and husband and daughter still believe it's true

[@freefree5453]

I hope things continue to get better