My Wife Is Growing Closer And Closer To Her Co-Worker WHAT CAN I DO?! r/Relationships

[@47896285pgdfzgnd]

S1 feels like fanfiction to me. Yeah this super awesome job came up right in our hometown and my wife told everyone INCLUDING THE KIDS that she had an emotional affair and how brilliantly smart I am for moving us again after putting her through hell for years - oh and don't worry cus she totally knows and is reading this with me!

[@StoutShako]

I'm so glad someone said it. Incredibly sus. Very r/thathappened

[@SidereusOfTheFallen]

@@StoutShako I'm sorry but sometimes life is less believable than fiction. For better or worse. Would you believe that someone facing a long medical diagnosis for a rare illness would end up in an car accident with their partner that almost killed them (only the passenger) and then the relationship fell apart because of the damage they suffered during the accident. Then months of physical rehab and then depression and PTSD swooped in for years. Seems too perfectly coincidental, right? I saw it happen with my own eyes. Sometimes the opposite happens.

[@deifieddata4462]

I get this vibe from like 50% of stories lol, there's so much you lose from only getting the one perspective

[@ronhall5395]

Had a similar situation. Wife was always talking about the new guy at work. Just stories, but nothing I would relate to. Then she told me she was going g to take up Zumba classes at the Y. I stayed home with the kids.well guess who she was car pooling with? Yup, Joe from work. Wife was losing weight and feeling good about herself. Well I got offered a job, or more of a transfer but for more $$ in another state. Company was closing our local division. Wife and I discussed the opportunity. Well not really a discussion. She I formed me that she was very happy here, and was not moving. If I wanted that job, to go for it. Her and the kids were not moving. Ouch! I went for the unemployment. Still married. Guy from work? He collapsed and died at work one day. This great wonderful guy, yet she did not attend the funeral. She actually sent he to it. Crazy stuff. No great wonderful outcome. Just life as usual.

[@lina9535]

I mean, I had a moment that I felt was like fanfiction, or more like the deus ex machina. A couple of years back, when I was living with my grandpa, I was going to head into the capital (Stockholm. Yes, I'm giving the location, in case someone wants to look up this incident) to go to my favorite book store (the sci-fi book store). I got caught up in a conversation with my grandpa, that resulted in me missing the train, and later that day we learned that some guy had driven a truck (not an 18 wheeler, I think it was around the size of a moving truck) down the very road that I would have been walking on. By the time, I would have been there if I'd gotten on that train. It was a tradgedy. It was also the last time I thought to myself "gramps talks too much". (Rip gramps ❤)

[@dracawyn]

Story 1: the comment about how everything ended well because they were able to move without actually changing anything in their relationship really hit me in the gut today. It's been about 7 months since my husband has had contact with his E A partner but the only reason for that is because she ghosted, not because he cut contact. I'm forever filled with doubt about being the second choice and I'm barely coping. (Yes, before anyone asks, we're both in couples and individual therapy)

[@Snowshowslow]

Oof... That's rough! I hope your confidence will return over time.

[@Barlmoro]

i feel you. i was the secon choice of a girlfriend too and i broke up with her becourse of it. we all wannt a partner that see us as the first choice but often we end up with someone who do not see us as such.

[@anonymouslee2083]

That’s really awful that he did that to you! I’m sorry it panned out that way, with it not even ending by his choice. That must feel awful, since it means it probably would have continued or even escalated if the opportunity didn’t evaporate. I wish you the best of luck whether you ultimately stay together or not. The big question for you to ask yourself is: “Do I ever see myself having the same level of trust in that man that I had before the E A happened? Can we ever go back to living as though it never did without any suspicion or distrust? Could I ever really feel comfortable with that?” Trust me, you don’t want to go down the road of being your SO’s jailer. That turns into an exhausting and unfulfilling relationship in the long haul, speaking from my own past regrets.

[@zerobolt9506]

Story 2: I was honestly on OP's side at first, right up to the part there it was stated that Zoe has Asperbers, like HOW can you not be the AH here OP, you act like Zoe is a normal kid like everyone else, but she's NOT and all your doing is hurting her, her brain is different to everyone else's, stop acting like it's not.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

And it also sounds she's acting out because she's not challenged enough, with real work for her difficulty level. My daughter with autism was the same in kindergarten. Her behavior totally changed when she was actually given something to do.

[@VesnaVK]

Story 2: OP blindly believed the teacher, though his daughter said some things that indicated there was much more to it. He never even looked into it. Ugh. It reminds me of when teachers were complaining that my middle school son was "disruptive." When I investigated further, it seemed he was "disruptive in response to being provoked." In other words, he was being bullied. And instead of addressing that, the teachers were blaming him for not taking it more passively.

[@danger0Robertson]

When I was in 1st grade I was bullied rather badly and when I told my teacher about it she told me to stop being a tattletail and I haven't properly trusted teachers since.

[@zerobolt9506]

@@danger0Robertson I'm sorry to hear that, I feel ya, while I didn't get bullied to that extent, I know how it feels

[@Luminoxie]

Exactly! I had the behavioural issues as a kid due to DBT and undiagnosed issues I'm yet to figure out; I had teachers bully me in class after they provoked me to get an outburst. Teachers can't all be trusted, some are amazing but the shit teachers really do stand out when you meet them in person.

[@TriXJester]

As a kid who was part of the special needs/IEP programs, I havent trusted a teacher fully since 3rd grade. Theyve caused me more issues over the years than my actual bullies did

[@netgnostic1627]

I hated the "It takes two to have a fight, so you're both at fault" mentality. So the bully would smirk at me while the principal wasn't looking at him, sitting right there in his office. So I knew I was getting another beating on the way home

[@WatsonAndDaughter]

Story #2: Bro... Leaving out the Asperger's stuff is an asshole move alone.

[@fearlessbay5183]

Story 1: This story really gives me the ick. OP was more than wiling to watch his wife suffer for 3 years and the thought of moving back to their hometown never even crossed his mind once? It only crossed his mind once he started feeling uncomfortable? I don't think I could have watched my significant other suffer for that long, I would have cracked within the first 6 months . Moving away is just a band-aid, whatever problem in their marriage that caused her to pull away still exists...

[@greyscalesx]

Yeah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@owl7072]

Story 2: Did Op even look into _why_ the "bad" behavior was happening? Did he even bother to question the teacher about why they'd say that or did he take them at face value and punish his daughter immediately despite the fact that he should know her better than anyone and should be able to recognize if the described behavior is abnormal? Dude literally just heard this person and went "Well this person said my daughter is a shitty person so clearly it MUST be true and we can't have that." Edit: I have adhd and had to take a special ed class that was specifically supposed to help me with focus, organization, and doing my work. My mom got a (drunken, may I add) voicemail from my teacher where they essentially tore me apart verbally and insulted me for not doing what I should be, meanwhile not doing what I should be was _the entire reason I was in that class. Because I struggled with it._ I was so incredibly lucky that my mom knew for a damn fact that I was nothing like what my teacher said and actually asked me about it, but I can only imagine what would have happened had she been _anything_ like Op here.

[@gaaraxnaru]

Oh my goodness. Was that teacher fired?

[@VesnaVK]

Yeah, and did OP even look into WHETHER the bad behavior was happening.

[@owl7072]

@@gaaraxnaru not as far as I'm aware, they were still there a while after but the following year I don't remember if I saw them before moving

[@gaaraxnaru]

@@owl7072 Wow... your former school sucked on so many levels.

[@crimsonnarukami2850]

Yeah I was that kid in school, always bored, challenged my teachers, didn’t pay attention because I already knew it from reading in my off time. It changed when I was put into advanced early college classes and I actually had to make an effort

[@jaymel4691]

Story 1- honestly, even if this did prevent an affair, it didn't solve anything. I see nothing about them actually discussing the "emotional affair" while it was happening, other than her minimizing it. This could happen again if they don't discuss this honestly. Next time his wife bonds with a coworker there may not be a magic job offer to bail them out. His dishonesty really rubbed me the wrong way. And is every friendship a potential or emotional affair? Would OP have felt the same if the friend was a woman? Glad it worked out for them but I hope they are both being more honest and working on their marriage going forward.

[@WhitneyDahlin]

Yeah I agree. You should NEVER stay silent when something makes you uncomfortable because you don't want to seem like a jealous bf/gf. Ever. It will only make the problem worse and you will become resentful. You can't expect your partner to be a mind reader and if they're doing something that makes you uncomfortable you HAVE to tell them about it or it will eat you up until you explode. You have the right to feel uncomfortable for any reason and you should calmly tell them why it makes you feel that way. If they minimize or brush off your emotions and say you're being ridiculous then dump them because they do have feelings for the other person. Otherwise why would this other person come before you, their partner?. The ONLY good response is for them to say okay and stop doing whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable. Especially if you are married. Period. No negotiating. If they really are doing nothing wrong and have no feelings for the person who makes you uncomfortable they will immediately pull back from that relationship because their relationship with you and your feelings matter more to them and come before some rando friend. If they refuse and pick the rando then they don't care about you and you will always come after them and the other person and it's best to leave them now. The wife is a terrible person. An emotional affair is just as bad , if not worse in some ways, than a physical affair is.

[@theScytheofGod]

I'm so angry at what he allowed her to do; I would've been a monster, but I guess that's why this is not my post.

[@WobblesandBean]

He's a manipulative little weasel, and I can't understand why the redditors are congratulating him for it!

[@jack0f4lltrades28]

Objection, he states in the update that he told his wife once they moved why he chose the new job and it is clear they have discussed the emotional affair fully by this point. She shares this story to their kids as a cautionary tale, and that she shares the story more than he does.

[@macylouwho1187]

@@WobblesandBean lol it’s manipulative to take a lucrative job offer that gets your partner away from someone that they will leave you for if given the chance to do so? She absolutely could have chosen to stay and screw the ENGAGED man and ruin two relationships and hearts, but she decided to go with her husband instead. That was her choice to do so. She had a job literally working with that guy, she could have just stayed there if she wanted to. It was the perfect set up for an affair. You almost sound pissed off that she wasn’t allowed to cheat and break up her marriage and his relationship, wtf is wrong with you??? Are you that morally bankrupt?

[@OZARKMOON1960]

#2 - I think OP dodged a bullet with Zoe - mostly by leaving out her Asberger's diagnosis and not getting nearly enough YTA reaming out as he deserved. This is a huge thing to leave out - and for her school not to be addressing to help with her in-class behaviors. Hope things get better for her.

[@TsukiKageTora]

That doesn’t excuse her being rude to others or the teachers, disorders are not an excuse. There are other ways than acting out. Not enough ESH

[@atinyevil1383]

@@TsukiKageTora having autism does make a difference, though. Autistic people don't always have the social awareness to know what is and isn't deemed "okay" by society. So she could think she's behaving fine, but other people might not like it because they think she's being rude when she's being blunt. Since she seems like she didn't think she was being rude, I assume this is the case. Also, along with the autism, it actually makes what OP did worse since she seems to think that OP meant having good grades was "doing well". Those were the rules set. She followed the rules, but she's not getting the reward she was promised because she wasn't told the real rules. Autistic people have a huge sense of justice and what is right and wrong. So him not telling her what he meant and being vague knowing that she's like this is a big slap in the face for her.

[@fluidwolf]

I have aspergers as well and it is not an excuse. A person can have aspergers and still be kind and respectful of others.

[@ginathecookie]

Adding to this If you explain everything by the disorder you can go too far and ignore the person who has it and ignore their feelings Seen it first time many times. Edit: I mean it can explain some or most things but shouldn't be used to excuse *all* behaviours but instead gently correct them

[@thedestroyasystem]

People here are harping on “it’s not an excuse,” and while that’s true, I think we also need to examine exactly what the teachers define as bad behavior. Because many autistic traits could be interpreted as poor behavior by neurotypicals. Lack of eye contact and fidgeting could be taken as not paying attention, and being blunt, monotone, or interpreting thing literally could be seen as being rude, bored, and sarcastic. That’s not because anything that she’s doing is actually bad, it’s because the teachers don’t understand the intent behind the behaviors is different than in a neurotypical child. And I’m betting that’s the majority of the problem here.

[@mysticaccy]

Story 1: it was like both of them were running away from their problems and not communicating with each other, i hope his update is true and that they are now communicating their feelings.

[@kreuger2062]

"Don't be silly he's got a fiance" Yes that's why it's called cheating bud, you can't be a cheater if you don't have someone to cheat on. 👁️👄👁️👍🏽

[@kreuger2062]

@UCTPHUJna7fc8dn2CX8krJyQ I'm just focusing on the lack of logic that excuse has, just because someone has a partner doesn't mean they can't cheat, I'm not saying the OP's partner was cheating I'm just saying she could've used a better reason than what she had. She could've just said "I'm not cheating on you because *insert reasonable reason*" 👁️👄👁️👍🏽

[@anahkit]

@@kreuger2062 Sorry lol I responded to the wrong comment lmaoo I don't disagree with you.

[@kreuger2062]

@@anahkit oh okay. 🤣

[@cisio64123]

IKR ! I was literally thinking "Yeah ..and that means nothing" . His having a fiancée still doesn't mean the behavior is appropriate or that it can't lead to more. In fact them having partners means that their behavior should have been kept within firm boundaries from the jump and if one or both of their partners expressed concern then it should have been taken seriously.

[@pansprayers]

Yeah, that's a friendship, nothing more or less. He's maneuvered her into isolation, and the second she makes an outside connection, he projects his own insecurity on her, runs away with her, isolates her again. This is how abusive relationships start.

[@mindyschocolate]

S1: OP is a control freak. Everything’s about him, and he never asks his wife how she feels about uprooting her life all the time for HIM. He put her in that situation and when she actually finds someone who actually cares about her plight OP acts like she’s cheating. Why is he even on here if he feels validated? He never cared about how his wife ever felt. He never communicated with her. What did he do to show his wife he cared? He just moved for his needs and expected his wife to go along with it. She was miserable at a job she hated and he didn’t care. He had the “suck it up and deal with it” attitude. Going forward I hope he thinks about her needs.

[@allia94hachi]

Exactly! His wife is miserable at work for years and he does nothing, but when she bonds with a colleague and she's not miserable anymore, he decides to move

[@KHTimeProtecter]

I hate grades. Striving only for good grades is a terrible mindset and not at all what school is truly about. It’s about making sure the student actually learns and comprehends what’s being taught. Which is why when I homeschool my kids, I plan not to give out grades. Just see where they went wrong and work with them to understand the material better.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

Story 1: i really hope those two were able to go to marriage counseling after this because i dubt there will be a fantastic job oportunity that saves the day next time the wife founds a male coworker friend, I'm not saying the Friendship didn't sounds sus but if the only thing that stoped the wife from cheating was that OP and her moved back to their old town, i wouldn't be so trusting if i was OP.

[@LadyJoolree]

I wouldn't trust him either. He'd had multiple female friends she'd caught a vibe about their relationship that he was dismissive of, but at least she spoke to him about them at the time.

[@manxiefeathermoon9888]

@@LadyJoolree oh I love it. Rules for thee, not for me. Men only have double standards

[@Davtwan]

Yeah, disloyalty when the going gets tough is a bad sign. If my SO acted like that, then I’d start questioning if she’d stay with me over other drastic but realistic situations such as if I got permanently disabled.

[@Davtwan]

@@LadyJoolree - He spoke to her about his vibes too though, and she just dismissed them.

[@pansprayers]

@@LadyJoolree of course. Remember, double standards for Jesus

[@devchekhov7512]

I'm all for respecting partnerships and stuff, but there's something off about story 1.

[@leegraves8878]

What is sad it took a bunch of strangers to get them to realize they were a crap parent.

[@InDeathWeLove]

It is hilariously sad there are commenters on reddit thinking that coming between the budding romance of your wife and her work husband is somehow a bad thing to do. The only thing that's sad is that the wife ignored him when he brought up his concerns and that he didn't actually put his foot down and instead had to rely on another job offer to stop them from developing a relationship. Not much that quite clearly demonstrates the fall of marriage and commitment like seeing so many people simply disregard these things so easily.

[@johnketz9656]

I agree wholeheartedly!

[@OpticalArxenal]

I mean, those comments aren't entirely wrong? A lot of people really suck at sitting their partners down for a serious, honest and concise talk about one or more issues they have, and the person confronted sometimes can't/won't own up and deflect. There's a reason why a lot of marriages fail, societal pressure's one, bad match and shit communication in some part due to the former are some more...

[@GMAMEC]

If anything, it’s a cautionary tale. I think couples need to honestly address boundaries, especially when it comes to friendships.

[@ItachiUchiha-sh6of]

He had one assuming none serious brief convo about the coworker and just gave up. He got lucky he could pick his wife up and move again. He said himself that a similar dynamic happened between him and a female friend and he ignored his wife. He didn't do the mature thing he grabbed his wife and ran. The problem with stories like these is the fact that a lot of people see friendships between people of the opposite sex as inherently sexual. Damn near every time it's "well they secretly want to fuck," no matter how mundane the situation is. Or they are blinded by their own past experiences and put malicious intent where it might not exist.

[@Callimo]

@@ItachiUchiha-sh6of Ah interesting. So, lack of communication rears it's warped head again.

[@zachf748]

Story #1 - *_"You don’t see these things coming"._* Is she trying to say that cheating just sneaks up on you and happens _to you,_ not _because of you_ and your choices? If I’m being honest, the wife had an EA and basically admitted it was inappropriate and all but admitted that with the way it was going, it probably would have gotten physical. Knowing my wife emotionally cheated on me and that she didn’t physically cheat on me because I made her move would ruin the marriage to me. Not cheating because other forces beyond their control, isn’t the same as not cheating. I don’t know if I could be with someone who wanted to and probably would have cheated on me but didn’t (not because of their choices) but some other force.

[@pansprayers]

A friendship after he's isolated her isn't an emotional affair. It's a friendship. He wants to be the ONLY person she speaks to. He's a controlling asshole all around, and demands total enmeshment. That's not a healthy marriage. Dear GOD.

[@slippyquack7672]

@@pansprayers El-Oh-El.

[@aynuralbek6474]

@@pansprayers did you read same thing? She did same to him when he had female friend. And she actually admitted it almost happening.

[@jackreese7040]

@@aynuralbek6474 don't bother with this thing, she constantly comments on every Mark Narrations video and the common theme in her comments is that it's always the man's fault, you can bet if the gender were reversed here she'd be crucifying that hypothetical guy

[@zachf748]

@@pansprayers Did you watch the same story as the rest of us? The wife _literally_ admitted it wasn’t just a friendship, it was more than an innocent friendship and that it was a highly inappropriate relationship…

[@brparis5964]

How is op in #1 so insecure yet so arrogant at the same time. He never talked to her, just manipulated the situation. Also, the term emotional affair really just sounds like an excuse for people to control their partners friendships.

[@JSainte17]

I spent years working 12-16 hour shifts as a medic with my partner Ian. We didn't even have a station to work out of so we lived in that ambulance, including napping in the ambulance side-by-side; one on the cot, one on the bench seat. (Don't worry, he's half Hispanic and half Polish so our rig was cleaner than most apartments I'd lived in). Despite this, despite being insanely close, despite even talking outside of work, despite clicking like you wouldn't believe... there was never an affair. OP acts like anyone is susceptible if the person they meet vibes perfectly with them. No. Ian was not happy in his marriage when we met, but he had a kid and would go on to have another. He is JUST now divorcing her after a little over a decade, for reasons that existed long before I met him and persisted long after we worked together. I was engaged at the time but called that off for my own reasons. I would go on to get married, have a child, and divorce, and while we're still good friends... no affair. All OP has done is delay an affair. Period.

[@Barlmoro]

thanks for your story. it is nice to see that you have a good friend and not let the stress gettin you to have a affair. the ex girldfriend of one of my best friends is an nurse and she had an affair with a coworker, her excuse was: she was lonly in this long shifts and need some stressreleave and says something: the all have a affair in the hospital she works, it dos not matter its only to stay sane. for the op i think you are right, this only delays the affair she will have in future. the need some counseling, but need to be care full not to get one of the bad ones who took a side. this happend to a other friend and few coworkers of me, the therapist gang up with the wifes and blames all on the men that the wifes have affairs. the best joke my friend told me: it is his fault for not having a job who he makes 6 figures with only 20 hours so he can take care of the household and his wife.

[@coldcity5466]

Story 2… OP might not realise it himself but Lina is his favourite…

[@sadia6503]

Story 1.... I think they're both happy but that approach felt very strange to me. We saw the husband's point of view, I can understand that he was feeling a threat to the most precious relationship in his life, but she muscled through 3 years of not looking forward to a single day and that coworker was a beacon of hope in the midst of all that. Maybe it was because she was interacting with the coworker with some flirty way that wasnt explained in the post, but I can see her feeling a strong cameraderie with him without it being romantic. This is probably the best outcome for both of them but something about this felt icky to me, they're both adults so why does it feel like he's treating her like a child

[@Maddogg500]

he tried to find her a better job that she refused to do so again its her fault stop blaming the dude for sht not his fault woman have become a legitmate joke at this point cause of people liek you

[@Snowshowslow]

This 👌

[@philwill0123]

This. To be crying for 3 years, I think OP didn't really care, because they were moving for his work. Almost sounds he hates his wife happy.

[@michaelautrey6641]

and yet im sure if he hadnt got the job his reddit story would have been something much different. how many stories are there where the wife insists that he is just her coworker and friend and yet it ends up coming out that they are far more than that? tons of there stories on reddit but i guess people forget easy.

[@greyscalesx]

Yeah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@DerekScottBland]

Story 2 - so wait, OP wants to teach his kids that it's more important that people like you than it is to learn? Oldest kid is either brilliant beyond what the school can teach her, or has a severe social disorder. either way it needs to be addressed and not punished.

[@photofreak56]

It's one of those things where hearing it makes me think about how a lot of my behavior issues in school were related to me being neurodivergent. I have dyslexia and while I always got good grades often my teachers would talk to my parents about me being sullen moody or not wanting to be in class because with my accommodations the work I was given was too easy for me. Most kids who have ADHD dyslexia or anything that makes them think outside the box often get on board with the school work they are given. In my view point, a lot of it is busy work that isn't helping a kid learn.

[@justaperson4656]

Second one, top comment said daughter has aspergers, which is a form of autism spectrum disorder

[@LadyJoolree]

Less everyone should like you and more don't be a dick in class. If someone is acting up and using that time to pull teacher focus from those needing more help it hurts everyone, including the bored child, and just causes resentment all round. OP should be more proactive and talk to the school and/or find extra programmes to enrol their child into. Especially if the school can't/won't do it. I don't understand why the child can't explore their subjects deeper, even if they won't get more marks. Surely education for its own sake and not just for grades should be the standard and encouraged!

[@atinyevil1383]

I also think that OP didn't make it clear with his kids what "doing well" meant considering that Zoey believed it meant good grades.

[@tomorrow4eva]

I think he wants his children to know how to cooperate to work within a system. This is an important job skill until you get to the executive levels of management.

[@floraposteschild4184]

S1: it's not that I'm unsympathetic to OP, but let's be real: his wife moved thousands of miles for HIS job, she's miserable for years, and then FINALLY finds a person she can relate to in her new home. And then she moves thousands of miles for his job again (although really it was a manipulation). When is it her time? When is he ever going to be honest with her about his insecurities? ETA: turns out he finally tells her once they have moved, and it is too late. And she's happy with the deception, and the godly intervention or whatever OP was nattering about. Her man knew what was good for her -- oh yay!

[@jackchop1576]

Exactly!! A REAL MAN encourages his wife to get fucked by strangers!!!

[@Kosmcosm]

You misunderstood, the wife kept shutting it down when he'd tell her he's worried about her getting closer to the coworker by saying "oh he's just a co-worker" But after they moved back SHE confessed to him she was a bit too involved emotionally with the coworker and promises she'll never do it again And she's an adult, she could have found another job after moving the first time or find something to do at home, he never said the wife did not agree to move away from the hometown so you can stop twisting it as if the husband did as he pleased

[@greyscalesx]

Yeah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@Flakey101]

@@greyscalesx You really like the copy and paste function

[@greyscalesx]

Story 1 : Yeaaaaah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@nopeg2498]

Op is scary and can tolerate seeing his wife cry and be miserable at work for 3 years. Op's wife is passive. Yeah, this situation is likely to happen again.

[@SkyEcho751]

It's possible that the wife insisted he take the job, or he got a transfer and didn't have the option of leaving to find a better job. Sometimes there are situations that the people in them have no control over. The way it's phrased makes me think OP was transferred by the company he worked for and didn't actually have any other option, so they just tried to tough through it. Also right at the start there was this "I helped her with her resume because she wanted to find something else", meaning he wasn't just sitting around and actually tried to get her into a better job, one with less emotional stress. So no, he wasn't just tolerating seeing his wife cry, he was actively trying to help her.

[@mindyschocolate]

Yup.

[@mindyschocolate]

@@SkyEcho751 he didn’t say, so that’s on him.

[@tishjanuary7379]

@@mindyschocolate 🙄

[@Mirtis66]

@@SkyEcho751 oh I do love the reddit assumption game. I'm going to assume he told her she was worthless and moved regardless of her wishes.

[@Swnsasy]

Ok, ok.. Story 2: I'm going to come in with my education and NOT as a parent. (Forensic Psychology).. I do understand what the father is trying to do but, because Zoe doesn't understand that DAD meant behavior over grades shows me he probably did not communicate that well at all.. He should have sat them both down and said EXACTLY... If he did that, Zoe probably wouldn't be like, "Hey , I got A's so why am I not getting rewarded but the one that got C's is?". This time he should reward them both for doing well and say this is because I did not communicate correctly and that is MY fault but, from here on out, if you're teachers tell me you are not behaving, no reward.. OR: If she's bored like she is saying, that was my middle daughter and she had ADHD, so that is why my comment still stands as to what and how I say he should handle this rewards or not, start listening..

[@zerobolt9506]

That was Zoey

[@Swnsasy]

@@zerobolt9506 Oh my! Thank you so much!! Need to edit that now 🤗Much appreciated love!!

[@zerobolt9506]

@@Swnsasy your welcome 😁

[@Cel3ere5]

Hey, forensic psych too. Whaddup!? Anyways, the fact the father had to edit the original comment to explain for everyone else reading... Where do you think the neurodivergency came from? 🤣 One more thing, there's actually a streak of deviousness here. OP knows the younger daughter isn't as good academically but behaves, so the rules of the game are literally set up for her. The favoritism is quite palpable. Really sad. Though, if I'm correct in my statements, OP literally doesn't realize it either. No one's spelt it out for him.

[@rooroolaboo]

Have you pet a floof ball today? Message from your pets. Pay them attention right now.

[@jp8649]

Story 1 - This is psychotic, even if it was an emotional affair this doesn't solve a damn thing. Maybe if they were in couple's therapy. The issue is so much more profound/complex. Both of them need to get some help. I do not see this as mature at all. It's never about actions, it's about motives and intentions. And I honestly don't believe his last edit. It just comes off as "see guys! My wife is with me reading the comments and she says she was wrong!" And goes on about it. Doth protests too much me thinks. My gut feels sus about this one. It almost feels like attention-seeking as a humble brag or something since most people go to threads to talk about being cheated on. Story 2 - Zoe should have an IEP if she has Aspbergers. If they live in the US it would be unacceptable not to. I had one due to ADHD and PTSD and it helped a lot. It gave me a lot of special permission like leaving the class without asking if I got overwhelmed.

[@greyscalesx]

Yeah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@mayaroseakennasferu5814]

Yeah I actually feel like it's manipulative at best and abusive at worst. Unless there were other things he didn't add, I see it as him being an insecure douche who isn't allowing her to have friends.

[@dustyrose192]

For story two, sounds like the uk tbh. Yes she should have her plan but sometimes the school is just shit and doesnt do anything

[@kerribottriell-baxter7345]

Story 2: The system OP is talking about sounds like Australian system of grading/marking, because C here is NOT failing. This is coming from a C and D student - but then again, in my case there was good reasons for it, and it wasn't because I wasn't trying.

[@sianchild]

Often students diagnosed with autism or aspergers are accused of being rude because their communication style is different. OP in story two should be working with the school to support her.

[@Luminoxie]

The Story 2 Update really rubs me the wrong way; OP is still really dismissive in talking about Zoe, he's constantly defending Lena in his update and how she's a good kid and all that bs, then gets reminded that he needs to talk about Zoe. Additionally, it's funny how he quickly jumps into defensive mode since everyone called him an butthole; he throws in he's a minority for sympathy points even though it holds no important value to his side of the story and he still completely disregards putting in that Zoe has Asperger's. Like seriously? This dude is 100% favouriting Lena at the expense of Zoe and it shows in her education reports and by Zoe's own admissions. If her teachers don't like her then why doesn't he go visit them and ask them what's going on; there are so many cases of teachers being disrespectful to students especially if they're smarter than the teacher, I've dealt with too many of them and they have huge egos that are willing to write a lot of trash on report cards. Honestly OP is giving Zoe a huge disservice by not looking into other schools or colleges that can provide her with what she needs; honestly this should have been done way earlier by the OP, even though Zoe loves her dad, she's a young adult and will start making decisions for her future with or without him.

[@justaperson4656]

I wouldn't be surprised if she left tbh (assuming she's able to)

[@Luminoxie]

@@justaperson4656 exactly, as soon as she gets a job and moves out becoming independent, I think she'll notice even more indicators that there is clear favoritism and possibly have the missing missing reasons come into play. Honestly this is similar to what happened to me, I didn't see I was being abused until after I left my family home and recollected everything; I truely hope Zoe does the same when she's comfortable and in a good place.

[@zerobolt9506]

It ucked me that he doesn't address the fact Zoey has Asperbers in the update, only that one comment said anything about it, I feel like he treats her like she's just a "normal" kid, but she's not, like me her brain is wired differently (did I spell that right?)

[@Luminoxie]

@@zerobolt9506 you spelt it fine; and you hit nail right there! While treating both kids equally should be the standard, some kids need more help than others and Zoe needs that social help more than her sister needs, the fact OP is disregarding that and totally forgot to add in his update shows how much attention he pans to her needs.

[@TheSwagger81]

To the story 1 OP, please don't wish your kind of "love" upon me. I'll stick to actual love me and my partner have for eachother.

[@LadyJoolree]

S1: What also got to me is when he'd said he'd had female friends (i.e. plural) that she'd caught a threat vibe from, but when she approached him he mostly dismissed her concerns until she managed to get through to him. All the while she's sobbing and depressed from the consequences of his decisions until she can come to terms with her new environment. This one time he's on the receiving end he doesn't use his adult words, but ups sticks and moves them hundreds of miles. What?! Sounds like she's the one doing the heavy lifting in that relationship yet he feels like patting himself on the back when chance intervenes. I dunno, I'm Gen X too , but I'd have a REAL problem with my marriage if I was treated in such a Twilightesque manner. I guess maintaining their status quo is more valuable to them than honesty.

[@mindyschocolate]

Yup, my thoughts exactly. He doesn’t care about her and she’s miserable, but he comes to Reddit looking for claps on the back.

[@pansprayers]

This isn't Gen X, this is Fundamental Christian bullshit. Women are always to blame, and they carry the load. Seriously, I watched this crap from the innermost circles of it for 20 years

[@stuart4746]

Story 1: My issue with OP that his wife was miserable and crying regularly for months on end but he didn't consider looking for a new job or moving until another dude was making her happy. Great that he took steps to keep his marriage, but it didn't even need to get that point.

[@Spilsbury1989]

I'm diabetic now, thanks to how sickly sweet story ones updates were

[@MisterNightfish]

Story 1 OP is delusional if he thinks this solved anything. At the next bump in the road the wife will do the exact same thing again. The wife still has no impulse control and finds it extremely easy to justify cheating. Not only has she no problem ruining her own marriage, she also had not an ounce of sympathy for the co-worker's fiancée.

[@allia94hachi]

Story 1: OP feels like he's full of toxic masculinity. Like "he's a man, he sees a problem and fix it", except the problem was his wife bonding with a male colleague. He did nothing when his wife was miserable, but now he acts. I don't want to discard the fact that maybe he is right and his wife was getting too close to the colleague, but the problem for a couple is never the third person. So instead of talking and deciding together, he accepted the job forcing them to move again

[@dopaminedrought395]

"He did nothing when his wife was miserable" - this is false He explained in the first part of the story that he did his best to help her before that guy even entered the picture. The help you can give while not being in the same workplace has limits. I'm the first to point out toxic masculinity but this really wasn't it

[@greyscalesx]

@@dopaminedrought395 Yeah I wouldn't say toxic masculity is the cause but the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@jimmyjohnjuan]

The fact you said "toxic masculinity" "he did nothing" are false assumptions are best and lie at worst because your a cheater. You dismiss this man's so easily. His world and any one that's cheated on or possibly cheated on is crashing. Also if her response to his concerns is dismissive. And is a red flag. This is an assumptions and what I believe because I don't believe in grey area when is come to spouse. She only apologized because she finally realized that she was on the verge of losing her husband. Even if the sexes were reversed she should have distanced herself for her marriage.

[@atinyevil1383]

Story 1: I don't think this was a mature way to handle the situation at all. OP essentially ran away from the situation, taking his wife with him. The mature thing would have been to go to couple's therapy.

[@Barlmoro]

it would be a good thing if she saw the problem too and the get a good therapist. The problem is that at such a situation the partner who had a emotinal affair did not see it as a bad thing and many many couple therapist are not good. i wittnes 3 coworker and 1 friend going to one and the all say that the therapist (most times a woman ) team up with the wife and it was all his fault that the wifes strays with other men. 1 coworker first had a male therapist for 2 sessions and the woman wannt to change it to a woman cose she thaught the men is not good, cose he pointet out problems of both. after the switching the new female one only point out his problems, this aplies his wife and it ends in a messy divorce. (yes he told her that the new one is not good but his wife says only this therapist or no one)

[@greyscalesx]

Yeah the reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@atinyevil1383]

@@greyscalesx exactly. That's how I felt about it, too. I think the OP made her feel like she was in an emotional affair. But he didn't actual tell us anything that would make it an emotional affair. I think OP was jealous that she had a work buddy who was a man, so he told her she was having an emotional affair, then took her away when she wouldn't stop talking to what sounds like her only friend.

[@sadtitties222]

@@atinyevil1383 Totally agree. There's just something so... completely wrong with how OP told this story. It unsettled me. He didn't even ask if he was on the wrong for what he did, he flat out says that he did the right thing and how everyone should look to his example. Yuck. 🤢

[@atinyevil1383]

@@sadtitties222 yeah. And then has his wife running around saying that he did the right thing, even though I don't actually see anything that would constitute an "emotional affair". I'm very worried for this woman.

[@laughingvampire7555]

that "I love you so much...." sounds to me like a confession of cheating, she either realized she was cheating during that time, or she indeed cheated.

[@TheMimiSard]

Story 1 - I think OP did the best thing. He didn't attack her, or him, but OP found a way to remove to temptation. There might have been some validity to the comment about how the problem has never been fully dealt with, but given the wife's comment about "Wartime Buddies" and her reaction to the confession, They have properly gone over it since then and she has accepted OP's action. In the long-run, I think this relationship is healthy and OP's action was ultimately good.

[@RekiTheRyvian]

Story 1: there was no fixing, this wasn't some act of grade from God. This was just someone who decided to punish their wife for having a close friend at work by ripping her out of her job and forcing her into another. I agree with the others who said, does OP plan on doing this every time his wife makes any relationship with anyone more than an acquaintance? Story 2: As someone who had similar problems in school (but got bad grades) and knew others with good grades that had these issues, she likely voiced her issues a few times and the parents just ignored her. I also feel like there is a lot of favoring the other going on, since they basically just admitted that the first daughter got a reward for better grades, then insisted it was all about behavior when it came to the daughter with consistently good grades. I don't know if I'm articulating this right, but something about the whole thing rubs me the wrong way.

[@deifieddata4462]

Lol at Op2 contriving reasons in real time to reward his favorite child and punish his least favorite

[@NottyAries]

People don't understand how serious marriage is. You do what you have to do, without hurting anyone, to make your marriage work. I've always said no one is immune to having an affair. Perfect storms happen in real life. The right person, comes along at the right time, and are given the right circumstances can lead to anyone cheating. Leaving your job, moving, going no contact etc. if you're married you fight, avoid, or remove yourself from a bad situation. Humans aren't perfect. This couple gets it.

[@OpticalArxenal]

S1; This couple sounds like they're the annoying morality preachers everyone else just nods along to so they shut up and take their high horse away. People are allowed to have close friends, or friends to share troubles with, especially if they despise their workplace, it's catharsis, not necessarily an affair. People can have a ruse phase and just focus their attention on one bright spot. OP tried I guess, then relocated. Fine too I guess, but wife sounds a bit unstable and not really in the best place in terms of her work, as for the whole...'years later she confessed', just felt off. Not quite sure I believe this story to be true.

[@pansprayers]

This is the prologue to an abusive situation. Hits every warning high note.

[@OpticalArxenal]

@@pansprayers Tbh I'd believe that, the weirdly fervant way it was told later on (if the story is true) sounds like it could be an unhealthily isolated dynamic.

[@Leo9P]

Story 1 was so surreal. It sounded like OP was genuine and well intentioned, but what they were saying was hell-a toxic and controlling. The whole "you're getting too close to your work friend so I'm going to move us away from him so you lose contact" just straight sounds like OP kidnapping their wife. Now if the wife was truly fine distancing herself from the coworker and moving back to their hometown to remove any temptation of cheating, that'd be fine. But OP sounds SO proud that they removed their wife from the coworker that they become an unreliable narrator when they say the wife is happy about OP's actions. Even if the whole "wife would do the same thing" was true, it just sounds like the two of them have some toxic codependency going on that really should be looked over.

[@hunterjames8653]

That one commenter acting like you’re supposed to walk away with some deep life lesson or “what did we learn here” moment on a site were people just air out dirty laundry, trauma, and petty drama

[@WhtAbtBob10]

Story 1: This relationship sounds exhausting. It's great that OP's wife didn't have an affair but they really didn't solve anything. It seems like they're both fairly toxic and don't seem to understand that men and women can be friends.

[@Barlmoro]

@@randomsomeone18923 yes it was the start of an emotional affair that would lead to more if he not removed her from the situation.

[@eveliinahannele]

I wouldn't trust OP's words, he sounds controlling and obsessive. We don't actually know how she and her coworker interacted, we just have OP's word for it which might be just him being paranoid. But like someone commented here already OP made her move FOR HIM and was fine for her wife suffering in a crappy job for years without doing anything but when she found a friend to talk to he uprooted her whole life and made her move again, sounds pretty iffy.

[@greyscalesx]

@@randomsomeone18923 so bc alot of redditors say X it is right ? First Reddit isn't representative of all opinions in humans. They are mostly Americans and mostly from a specific polical affiliation, a young adult demographic etc So it's mostly an echo chamber. The reality is that they are clearly in a codependent relationship with eachother. They been together since young and don't even realize how toxic they are to eachother. He keeps hammering that she would have done the same therefore he was right. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right. Just bc they are both okay to hurt eachother so that they can keep eachother close and built eachother back up, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. This so messed. And maybe if he hadn't kept doing that and having that dynamic in his marriage in the first place, his wife wouldn't have reacted the same way with her colleague. That is to completely emotionally rely and cry on that guy's shoulder instead of going to therapy, find another job etc. Her relationship with her husband taught her that, then he moves her again, she breaksdown again and he can play nursing her back and hero so she's unhealthily attached to him again. I don't think she even knows how to have healthy friendships with anyone at this point. He acts like someone with borderline personality disorder who doesn't care about the partner wants and sees that his Favourite person can't have any bond that is strong that is not with them. Partner ? Him. Best friend ? Him ? Friends ? Him again. Why would she need anyone else ? The worse is she preaching it to her kids now. Manage your partner like a child kids ! Don't discuss things like adults do, if you think you might loose them, cut them off others. Then you'll keep them forever

[@OpticalArxenal]

@@randomsomeone18923 Then I'd also question OP, as such problems don't just happen because the 'cheater' is a shit person, it's more likely that there's a problem that goes unadressed in the original relationship, and that 100% seems the case here with how miserable the wife was, hubs did nothing, but decided to move as soon as wife seemed happy *elsewhere* when she was otherwise miserable with him and her job.

[@OpticalArxenal]

@@randomsomeone18923 She may well have, OP can omit stuff, and I do have a feeling the story is untrue, so /shrug Always the skeptic y'know?

[@dm9078]

I remember this story from a few years back. And OP handled it like a wimp! Married till death do us part. Or until the next guy comes along. How the hell can any parent be this freaking clueless. Of course YTA! This clown is okay with one daughter being a “good girl.” Whereas the other daughter gets good grades and stands up for herself gets shat on. Teachers hate girls who stand up for themselves they call it “acting out” when it’s a girl and being strong when it’s a boy. God what a pr1ck!

[@pansprayers]

You mean 'married until I can no longer isolate her'? Because that's what this is.

[@federicoalfero9287]

Story 1 if she cheats she cheats. It's not the job of one spouse to make sure the other uphold their vows. Not cheating is a matter of character, not lack of opportunity.

[@babygirl_lunaa9096]

I'm not sure she should be punished in this situation since her parents seem not to have tried to correct her behaviour in a positive way. I am autistic and never once did I INTENTIONALLY disrespect my teachers. I was also a straight A student. I had my teachers tell me when I said or did something wrong so I could learn from it. I did this autonomously out of a need to be a "normal" member of society, but I can see how other people might not be able to do this, especially without guidance since it was very difficult for me as a teenager. Being a straight A student and being neurodivergent is NOT an excuse to be an asshole, but I find it hard to blame her in this situation since I have gone through the same thing and fully understand where she is coming from. I still can't get behind her behaviour, though.

[@untiedshoelaces2588]

Story 1: My upbringing would have prevented me from trying to save the marriage. As far as I see it, it was the actions of the wife that would have dictated what happened next in the relationship. If she wanted to go, then I would let them go. I will not fret or beg for someone to care for me - You just cannot tell someone to love you. Either it happens, or it doesn't. If it were to fade, I would grieve the end of the relationship and move forward. If I was in such a situation, I would lay it all out to my wife and make preparations to move back home. Whether or not she returns with me would be completely up to her. I cannot live with myself knowing that the person I am with is with me through obligation and not choice. Story 2: Do parents really understand the damage that is done when they make decisions like these?

[@amilikestea433]

For the last story the OP is so lucky he didn't ruin Zoe. Lena is only 13 so that doing your best is all that matters attitude is fine. Good grades can get teenagers into college for less money or for no money through scholarships. But what if Zoe had given up on working hard to get good grades because she was taught it didn't matter? OP is not doing Lena any favors either. In the real world your boss isn't going to care that you tried your best. They are going to expect you to do the job that you lead them to believe you could do.

[@gcarr1089]

Story 1 - happy OP actually saw the problem in the making, many men can be blind till the problem over takes them.

[@luckyassassin1]

I had a teacher who always had a problem with me, and said i behaved badly in class. What was my behavior issue? It was asking more questions having trouble with the work and having the teacher call me stupid and as a result i stopped asking or even doing work because I wasn't trying to get insulted and laughed at by other students. It got worse and worse till i just walked out of class 1 day and went to the office and got my mom on the phone. She yelled at that teacher and the principal so loud it could be heard all the way on the other side of school. She wasnt the best parent but when people mistreated her kids, she went full mamma bear mode

[@vidhead85]

Story 1: I don't care that people said "Hey look, you got lucky" Sometimes you do get lucky, and that's good for them. He took an opportunity to get his wife away from what could've been an AP. I wouldn't care how the issue got resolved, but the fact it did.

[@Mewse1203]

Be kind, be safe and take care of yourself. Have a great day.

[@jeneden3492]

Story 1: wow, some of those commenters, there are some very bitter people on Reddit wanting everything to end broken, for shame

[@sdaniels160]

Story 2: OP's daughter is incapable at this point of distinguishing the behavior grade from the academic grade or she doesn't see why the behavior grade matters. I see this alot as a teacher. Some students see report cards as either good or bad and the details are wasted on them. It seems unfair to emphasize the thing one child does well and ignore the thing the other child does well.

[@DiscoTimelordASD]

Story 2: I have level 2 autism (some assistance required), ODD and ADHD, failed primary school and high school but earned two diplomas at TAFE straight after leaving school. I was labelled many inappropriate things including "disrespectful" in my school days when that was clearly not the case. Without proper supports in place in a schooling environment she will struggle to function to the best of her ability AS A PERSON. Grades are only part of the equation - does she have any assistive therapies in place? Learning social skills, emotional regulation etc. are things that will help her in life. My son is a level 3 autistic (full assistance required) as well so I know that regardless of a person's level on the spectrum, it's important to support them in the ways THEY NEED to function. I wish OP and their family the best regardless.❤️ This is not an easy situation to navigate, but I hope OP finds a way.

[@sltslt24]

I think if the oldest has a disorder but extremely smart she needs so be in a special course to keep her interested and learn at her level. This is the problem with school as I also was removed from class to do higher course work because I would finish other work early and start talking. That made me anti social, my mom saw this moved my schools to an advance learning program where I was including in class and learned where I was. It helped me make friends and not feel bored. Also I am not Nero divergent but help childern go where they need to be in good for any child.

[@Love2Banime]

Always read the update before making the judgement. To the S1 update: glad OP and his wife are doing better after bringing up the topic and the reason for the move. OP's wife was actually thankful that OP forced the move because she relized that the former co-worker was going to be an emotional ap.

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

Whoever is reading this i send hugs and great vibes. Drink water, eat food, nap, take a break, take care of yourself gosh darn it. And if you don't I swear I will find you and keep you in a cottage and take care of you. 🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗💜💜

[@claireskies2428]

First story: so the guy was a threat but not the awful job.

[@Pikaman20008]

Ehh honestly I don’t know the situation so can’t tell one way or the other if the first OP was an AH for letting his wife be in a job she hated for 3 years. But taking all that aside, if it felt like my wife was falling in love with another man and refused to listen to my concerns about it I don’t know if the relationship is worth saving. The thing is people change over time and sometimes the person you’re in a relationship with isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are.

[@Aziara86]

I personally get an icky feeling from story 1. The story really buried the lead, as in a later update he mentioned that BOTH of them have made the other 'back away' from friendships. This is two extremely insecure suspicious people who can't stand their partner having friends. What if your partner is bi? Should they have zero friendships because they 'might' cheat??

[@rosihantu1]

Proximity + Convenience. Sometimes that's all it takes.

[@crem-crem4070]

Story 1 rubs me the wrong way so much I do not like how underhanded his methods were Story 2: if your kid is doing well but very distracted it’s because they’re not being stimulated enough, the daughter very clearly needs to be awarded and evaluated as she clearly needs more of a challenge

[@ebagentj]

Story 1: "I tried to talk to her but she kept shooting me down, so instead of marriage counseling or stressing how concerned I am, I made a unilateral decision to uproot her life and move her across the country because I didn't trust her with this man. It's okay, she was cool with it after the fact." Story 2: It looks like elsewhere in the post he had confessed that his daughter is on the spectrum, albeit high-level. Which requires as much attention and accommodation for "behavior" as his other daughter requires for studying. He seemed to assume because her diagnosis was high functioning, that meant she was pretty much neurotypical and had the tools she needed to function in social situations built-in and needed to be punished for not implementing them. And as many people said, even if that wasn't the case, the girl is clearly bored out of her mind. If her parents were more involved, maybe they could get her into independent study or more challenging courses.

[@dramuckus]

Story 1 fucking what so him wanting to save his marriage is underhanded wtf is wrong with you he identified a problem found a job that the wife couldnt argue with and it took them back to their home town and you think its a bad thing wtf let me guess your the type that thinks checking the partners phone to prove cheating is worse than the cheating, quite frankly I don't believe he caught it before she cheated, with how pissed the AP fiancé was it wouldn't surprise me if they did more than op thinks

[@GiordanDiodato]

@@ebagentj so what you're saying is you're ok with cheating

[@jackspring7709]

@@ebagentj Story 1: Lol, you know very well how that would have worked out had she stayed. She practically admitted it herself.

[@jackspring7709]

Story 1: Well, the overhanded approach didn't work, did it? He tried talking to her about it - it didn't work so he took matters into his own hands and saved his marriage, regardless of whether it rubbed you up the wrong way.

[@mariapillowtalk71]

Story 1 the guy got married and after op wife is not InTouch with him anymore. Okay

[@champslim]

Yep

[@zachf748]

Story #1 - How good is your marriage if you can’t trust her around a male co-worker? A good marriage means you’d never, ever have to worry about your partner cheating on you.

[@barretdenman2854]

Even in open marriage an absolute trust in your partner to follow rules and emotional boundaries is a basic requirement. If you can't believe in your partner you do not belong together. Stay vibin!

[@Ale33810]

She also admitted that a friendship with a coworker is INAPPROPRIATE wtf I can't understand if it's me, because in my male coworkers I don't see potentiale substitute of my partner, or is this society completly messed up, that even can't imagine a friendship between a man and a woman without fucking. I just hate it

[@immapotato1]

considering the fact after the move once the fog wore off even she realized what she was doing means she wasn't being subtle about it

[@netgnostic1627]

That's an idealistic viewpoint, and I share it - but if you're going to be practical about protecting your marriage, you might have to protect your spouse from their own thoughtless behaviour. I think it is worth doing.

[@Barlmoro]

@@netgnostic1627 this, in the moment the one who have a emotinal affair maybe did not realise this untile the attachment is too deep and the fog of feeling good cloud their eye too much. And some did it cose the can .

[@hideyasuyuki1]

Moral of the story money solves relationships.

[@selbarton]

1. Wait, she finally gets a friend outside him so that she is not totally dependent on him so OP wants to isolate her again. While saying he knows she wouldn't cheat, but he describes the threat of her having an emotional affair, calls it an emotional affair, and moving to a physical one. If it was an affair and they wanted each other, moving wouldn't stop it. She had to tell him what he wanted to hear about the friendship because he once again moved her where he had control. Happy marriages don't involve cheating of any kind so how is it they say happy marriage when her having a friendship with a man is an affair. 2. "I don't support my eldest because she is smart so doesn't need any support from anyone. The fact we have zero support for her so she is acting the way she is treated means we should tell her how crap she is even more." He even left out she has a mental issue that makes her behavior something that is being worked on. His update was even he was punishing his eldest for being good with book learning.

[@pansprayers]

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. She's isolated and enmeshed with him, this the second she gets a male colleague she's friendly with, he manipulates the situation so that she's isolated again. So many issues, this isn't ok.

[@ItsYaBoiV]

During that first story, I can't believe how many people are villainizing the husband but not the wife? She's the one who had the emotional affair! Sure the OP is the world's best Pick-Me man, literally moving them away to keep her cheating ass, but it took them MOVING AWAY for her to acknowledge and apologize for it?!! AND she blamed her crappy job for it!!

[@KateKanenator]

#1: Glad you're happy I guess. . .? "Emotional affair." Ok. 🙄 The straights are weird.

[@crem-crem4070]

Straight here Yes, we are.

[@ronanpare4766]

Story 1: All’s fair in love and war.

[@lizfritz6546]

I just… what pisses me off about the behavior thing is Zoe literally is neurodivergent. She needs accommodations, not punishments. And I’m the same as the second commenter. Took until a few months ago to get diagnosed with ADHD despite having obvious signs my entire life.

[@LilChuunosuke]

*Story 2:* I hope OP is just naive, but even then, they're an AH. The fact their child is on the autism spectrum makes such a HUGE difference in this situation. Hell, I had an old friend with fairly low-functioning aspergers who was miserable in school because they had no clue how to recognize when a social situation was or was not acceptable to speak in. He sometimes got in trouble just for simply being unaware that it was an inappropriate time to speak up. There is also the very real possibility that some of these teachers are ableist and treating the eldest daughter worse even if they're fully aware she doesn't understand how to behave in that social situation. Either way, this sounds like a classic situation of punishing a neurodivergent person for not behaving neurotypically.

[@TheLodjur]

So the wife crying regularly over the job she absolutely *hates* is not reason enough for him to find a job where they came from and move back but her finding a male friend is. A miserable partner doesn't concern him enough to act but when HE is effected and may be unhappy is where he draws the line and clearly, he is the one calling the shots. Good for them if they are happy but to me this is an unhealthy marriage. Not only is it uneven in power, she is rather a child than a partner to him, but he is also painfully selfish. He is even proud over how he manipulated his wife instead of being honest with her and her agreeing to this treatment does not make it a-okay, it only shows how inferior she feels. Victims to abuse often defend their abusers.

[@fcold9402]

1. Lesson was that you move from the situation and it can make things better. Perhaps moving for lesser money would have worked too. BTW no one said the wife cried again once moving home.

[@jennilynne1977]

I hope everyone is having a great day/afternoon/night! Peace, hugs and love to everyone!

[@TheDarwinProject1]

Story 1: I doubt the same people trying to say OP didn't actually deal with the problem in his marriage would have said the same thing about the marriages that dissolved during the 2008/9 economy crash or the pandemic. Much like every individual has pain/stress (emotional or physical) limits before considering ending their lives, marriages also have pain/stress limits that those who are not able to put themselves in the OP/wife's shoes simply can't fathom. While I, who had a spouse leave me over disability + 2008/9 economy crash, envy those who have not experienced anything like the kind of stress that breaks a person or relationship, I think their lack of imagination/sympathy shouldn't be a reflection on OPs sharing of his situation. Those who were saying "but how does this help ME" are just short sighted or self centered.

[@danninja7570]

Why would you wanna fight for a marriage where it seems like everytime yall get a friend of the opposite sex it becomes a threat to your marriage? That just seems stressful if it's even an option for your significant other to cheat on you then they ain't the one

[@wmdkitty]

1: Wife became friends with a co-worker. OP gets possessive, controlling, and paranoid. And he's supposed to be the good guy here? He's a jerk, forcing Wife to move away because he was jealous of a friendship.

[@catT5236]

Story 1: look I'm not being funny here, but if their marriage is so important to them you'd think they'd learn how to effectively communicate with each other. It seems like whenever one brings up concerns the other just brushes it off. Maybe work on that rather than having to do this manipulative BS to protect their marriage. Story 2: the help they give Lena on school work they need to put the same amount of time helping Zoe with social interaction. She probably isn't intending to be rude at all & people on the autistic spectrum often come across like that to teachers who SHOULD have taken the time to understand their needs rather than using their neuro-diversity against them.

[@yef122]

I'm really conflicted on the first story. While I'm glad it all worked out for OP and his marriage, I believe he went about it totally the wrong way. It seems he never discussed his concerns with his wife as she was having the close friendship with the coworker. He just up and moved them far away, seemingly without the move being a point of discussion first. He even mentions that his wife talked to him in the past about her concerns about his friendships with a couple of women. But he didn't do her the same courtesy of a discussion. I just don't get it. He may have removed proximity to his wife's coworker, but that does nothing at all to solve the problem of what's wrong with their marriage that the emotional affair happened in the first place.

[@karimuffin]

Story 1: What is wrong with straight people? Why can't they just let people be friends? You can love someone and NOT sleep with them. Like a close friendship doesn't automatically mean an affair. Just talk to your partner, it's not that hard. And by talk I mean sit down and explain your issue in detail so your partner actually gets it. If you can't have a deep conversation with honesty involved you shouldn't be married or in a serious relationship. Communication is key to healthy relationships!

[@atinyevil1383]

This is a perfect example of Are The Straights Okay.

[@tabeechey]

And this sort of mindset is why so many cis straight men assume that gay men want to sleep with THEM. Because there is this weird assumption that sexual attraction MUST exist just because it COULD hypothetically exist. Bi cis woman here, and I cannot understand this mindset. It is particularly irritating as a bi person because a lot of people just assume we are perpetually coming on to everyone we meet. Meanwhile I have limited interest in sex, I am perfectly content in my marriage, and I find the idea of another relationship so overwhelmingly exhausting and stressful that affairs sound as appealing as accepting the Nobel Peace Prize naked. But whenever someone has body parts that are compatible with my orientation, apparently this awkward introverted Hobbit person turns into a lecherous beast. Rawr, I suppose?

[@karimuffin]

@@tabeechey yeah. It really is that mindset. Personally I'm not attracted to anyone, and at one point in time my friend's SO saw me as a "threat" because my BFF and I just click. We're on the same wavelength about a lot of things. That does not make either of us want to sleep with each other. And it took a lot to make their SO understand that because society tries to normalize and prioritize romantic/sexual relationships over friends. I just wanna be a friend. Let me be a friend.

[@sadtitties222]

@@tabeechey Hey there, another fellow Bi Cis Woman here and I completely agree with you! While I'm not turned off by sexual intimacy whatsoever (honestly I'm a pretty horny lady myself, lol), I will still never understand this mindset that opposite gender friendships can never exist and how so many people think every bisexual is gonna jump their bones regardless of who you are. God, this OP rubs me in all the wrong ways and I'm honestly worried about the wife. 😖

[@TheKennethECarper]

Story 1: I'm glad I wasn't the only person who saw that this guy didn't really resolve anything with his wife. He knew his wife was falling in love with another guy. Rather than get her to admit to her feelings and seek counseling for their marriage issues he just moved himself and his wife away from the wild card in their marriage. It doesn't address the emotional infidelity at all or repair their relationship. All he did was physically prevent his wife from fucking this guy. Bad news dude: Just because you forced your wife into a situation where she can't cheat sexually, that doesn't make her faithful to you.

[@Riunlarose]

Story 1 She was 100% already in an emotional affair SHE even new it and that’s why she apologized to you for it…

[@sakatababa]

story 2: i was zoe. got the same damn response from my parents. they still can't accept objective evidence from professionals that they made a mistake. my teachers like to take credit on my accomplishments and take offence when i remind them how they treated me. i wasn't well for a long time. it took me going to military, in a tough paratrooper unit, to finally resolve my problems with authority. turns out i didn't have problem with authority but with fake authority. now i have a great job, wife, money, and a two decades of success behind me in any area i dared to venture. if anyone has similar problems i have few advices: - learn to be patient. biggest boon i got was patience. keep calm. - check yourself for subjective and biased views. be skeptical about everything. factual state of reality does not care about our wishes. - do not waste time on fools. cut them out, you will find friends. give friendships time to grow. do not rush them. if you interact even with strangers with a default friendly demeanor, you will not feel lonely even when you have no friends. and it is the quickest way to obtain friends. - do not surrender to pressure when you have objective factual evidence that you are right. better to have a fight now then suffer for the rest of your life because you gave in. it will haunt you. i don't know if any of these can help anyone. they helped me. best of luck, my neuroatypical friends.

[@Bala_Niranna]

i dont really understand the concept of a friendship being "inappropriate for a married woman". what does that mean? youre not allowed to be close if theyre of the attracted sex? honestly non-ace relationships sound, insanely confusing

[@justaperson4656]

As a bisexual, I have no friends for this exact reason /joke

[@missmax2492]

Gonna be honest, the main issue wasn't that she had the friend, it was that the relationship was becoming inappropriate. From the moment it's getting far too far that you're actively denying your partner's worries instead of reassuring them and not stepping back to be like "yo, my beau ain't feeling comfortable" it's not particularly a good way to go about your relationship

[@deedeeschway9566]

Your partner should be the first person you can or want to tell anything to. When you share your worries/fears/celebrations with a “friend” before your spouse, especially when that “friend” fits your sexual preferences, it’s dangerous to your committed relationship. Emotional attraction often leads to or deepens sexual attraction for many people. Hope this makes sense.

[@atinyevil1383]

@@missmax2492 but we're only told that by OP and he didn't give any particular reason why other than he felt it was.

[@mikal9904]

The wife is super weird and forthcoming about the fact that she damn near cheated on her husband

[@user-fs7dv3bq2v]

Let’s see: - They’ve moved away - Almost-affair-partner got married - Family (i.e. social pressure) is near - Husband earns 2x now (life got so much sweeter which the husband no doubt spoils her to buy back her love. And husband became more attractive to other women too) Could it be because she has no other options? Could it be she’s demonstrating “remorse” to the point of agreeing with the husband and telling everybody of her redemption journey (while secretly wishing her actual husband is the almost-affair-partner?). The person who her own husband admits somebody she just clicks with? Poor husband never realized how fragile her “love” for him is.

[@danger0Robertson]

@@user-fs7dv3bq2v Well think about it, it took her almost having an affair for him to realize they needed to get out of that situation when she spent 3 years being absolutely miserable at her job. My grandma was a nurse so I know that she could have gotten a job at a hospital anywhere and that she was suffering at this place because of his job which probably added to some resentment that he didn't realize was forming. He only took notice and looked for jobs elsewhere when it was a threat to his personal happiness. They're both s*** spouses.

[@Callimo]

@@user-fs7dv3bq2v That's so weird, considering they were married since 19! Was the wife just tolerating him for all those years and with all those kids?

[@TopazFire15]

It’s probably easier to admit almost cheating when it’s decades past the event and the relationship is rock solid. A little weird that she tells the story so often, but at least she’s aware it’s a cautionary tale??

[@mikal9904]

@@user-fs7dv3bq2v Yeah husband needs to pull his head out of his ass. She doesn’t love him like she says.

[@jessicawolfe5861]

Story 2: listen to your daughter. She is bored. Not all teachers are great at dealing with kids who have different needs. And if she has aspergers, her behavior can look rude to others but be normal for someone who is differently abled. Why did it take this long to see what was happening?

[@holeymcsockpuppet]

Story 1: by the time you are aware of the emotional affair, the physical affair has already begun. They were already banging. This guy didn't save his marriage. He just postponed the end of it. Story 2: Smart and Gifted students are often targets for teachers. Someone in the comments mentioned that it came out that Zoe has Aspergers Syndrome...which only makes the situation 100x worse. Dad does favor Lena.

[@antoinealez12]

Yeah this story disgust me. OP ran away from the situation and took his wife with him. I'm not saying that's wrong but the fact that he had to do that is what gets me. If he had remained she would've definitely had an affair.

[@DisneyChar]

S1 we used to blame the cheated for not controlling the cheater, this is that.

[@EmoPurpleTurtle17]

Oh my god monogamous cis straight people are strange, why are they so possessive and creepy? You can have friendships without them being a "threat to the marriage" and if you can't then you're just childish

[@sadtitties222]

Lol, so true. Just another case of r/AreTheStraightsOkay. 🤣

[@jessicawolfe5861]

I think too many people believe that there are always things they can do to remedy situations. But more often than not it all comes down to luck. Not everyone is honest with themselves and to others in the moment. People outside see things much more clearly than we do. You take the choices presented to you to nip things if you can. Sometimes there aren't options.

[@skyetan86]

Everything felt so off in that first story that I was confused what to think. Right up until they said the wife tells the story to the kids as a "cautionary tale". Like what? You're teaching your kids this toxic bs? That knocked me back to my senses...

[@forestcrow5491]

Story 1 makes me feel so icky. I was gonna try and rationalize it with a long paragraph but honestly it's not even worth it, as clearly op and his wife seem...fine...with the situation. But yeah even if I do the classic "flip the genders and see how you feel" thing I still think it's bad. I think it all boils down to the way the wife was so miserable for so long. Clearly, the op tried to help her find a new job but it still rubs me the wrong way.