I Told My Friend That "Being Settled For" Isn't The Worst Thing r/Relationships

[@greywriter]

"I'm miserable, but otherwise things are great." Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a thing

[@Kati_P]

"I'm emotionally miserable, but financially secure, so life is good" is a sad way to live one's life.

[@AdmiralBlackstar]

If you're miserable long enough you forget how much better "normal" actually is.

[@ruthsaunders9507]

Settling doesn't mean miserable. Sometimes people just want to be content.

[@Musiyca]

@@AdmiralBlackstar Especially that OP has no comparisson, since they are together since high school

[@ch3rrikiss]

​@@Kati_PTerribly sad. Low self-esteem truly destroys you no matter how rich you are.

[@AndyyWithAY]

What kind've trauma has he been through. Unless you're asexual, wanting to have sex with your spouse is completely NORMAL. Not evil or dirty

[@snakesandstones4252]

Yeah, that part made me really sad tbh, the way he talked about protecting her sounded like there had to be some kind if reasoning for it--besides some sort of deep childhood trauma over something horrid that happened to him, you know, I wonder if when he was being bullied, something happened that OP doesn't know about. Like maybe his bullies taunted him over her, saying horrible and crass things about her and what they were going to do to her to rile him up? Kids at that age are viciously cruel and if he associated her as his protector who saved him so strongly that he asked her out to prom and proceeded to MARRY her even though he didn't find her attractive, it's possible the bullies saying horrible things about her for sticking up for him and using her to taunt him could traumatize him and really amp up his protectiveness to an unhealthy level especially if he already was developing feelings for OP based on her personality... I don't know, you can tell that he really clearly does care about her. It's just a sad situation all around.

[@snakesandstones4252]

...nvm, I just got to the end of the story, apparently my theory was correct... the dude really needs to go back to therapy, this is so sad.

[@dawnstone4424]

Right? He obviously adores her and feels wrong for finding her sexy. Something has happened to that poor man.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

​@@snakesandstones4252 i agree, i feel terrible for him, he is clarly atracted to OP but is represing his atraction because of his trauma. It wouldn't be the first time were someone dates a person outside of his preferences and ends up feeling extremely atracted to them because they fell in love.

[@tully6648]

In this case, I think what really stuck in his mind was the intrusive thoughts he had while helping her post-surgery. He felt turned on at a time when she was especially vulnerable, and it's pretty likely those thoughts escalated to something worse I'd rather not say in a KZbin comment. It wouldn't be something he _would_ do, but sometimes people take on a lot of mental damage just for the thought being there. It's very likely that given how badly he was bullied, he's had or held onto some dark (revenge) fantasies. To me, it seems even truer because he felt that therapy made him get worse (because they discussed his thoughts). I know this is armchair psychology, but it sounds like he's dealing with CPTSD. He might need to find a therapist that specializes in that and treatments such as exposure therapy, or EMDR.

[@BruinPhD2009]

Story 1: OP's opening paragraph is one of the saddest things I've heard in awhile. And why is she apologizing to her husband? He said what he said and SHE'S the injured party. She's so used to getting table scraps that she has no sense of the greatness of a full meal. Again, just sad.

[@loiracitr]

Yeah, it's very sad. "I am tall and have broad shoulders, so I'm unlovable". It doesn't really make any sense

[@ZombieSazza]

@@loiracitrmassive self esteem issues which saddens me

[@cielbie8251]

She's been with him all her adult life, so probably has never actually had the opportunity to discover that men who find her attractive do exist. Her only experience has been high school.

[@TheSergio1021]

Well it was clarified in the update that he actually was in denial. In fact he loves her too much, not that he wasnt attracted. He clearly was but felt guilt for that

[@TheSergio1021]

Did you guys even listen to the update?

[@jsanto210]

OP in story 1 is enabling her partners behavior; he needs therapy to confront his issues, but he doesnt want to, and OP is equally unwilling to confront his issues

[@AWildJirachi]

She’s unwilling because she feels like she’s genuinely lucky to have him or anyone love her and she’s okay with the fact that he settled for her. It’s really freaking sad tbh

[@jsanto210]

@@AWildJirachi it's scary; wtf were the intrusive thoughts he was having, and tbh, they sound more and more like they will become a reality before the OP knows it

[@grimdarkmalarkey5402]

​​@@jsanto210 I have intrusive thoughts about self harm, and it's not something that I'll act on. Instead, it's something that slowly wears your mental health down overall, because there's a part of you that's "bad/wrong" and you hate yourself for it

[@sadisticrainbow9689]

To me it sounded like she understood that he was not in a place to handle therapy. Therapy can be difficult because you have to face your trauma and yourself. If you have a therapist that pushes to hard it can make things worse and make you not able to trust a therapist again for a while. Sometimes giving support and allowing those negative effects to fade a bit is best. The wife sounds caring and genuinely loving. She needs to work on her self confidence, but she does seem to understand where her husband is at.

[@jsanto210]

@@sadisticrainbow9689 part of therapy is confronting yourself; it sounds like her partner is avoidant of anything that makes them uncomfortable. Nothing will change if they don't confront their issues

[@magicalmomo9987]

Damn, OP's husband needs intense therapy. I was NOT expecting a complex like that. Wow. Also her people pleasing is making her too chill about all of it. My god...

[@jademarine6847]

Being settled for typically means they never dated you cus they were into you. It means you were an easy option/safe option/last option to settle down with, and it's pretty insulting tbh

[@SirBitingBen]

They had their fun but none of the other people wanted to stick around. Yeah, who wants to be settled for. So you can be number 2 for the rest of your life? What happens if a number 1 choice pops up for your partner? Geez

[@bhutehole]

he sleeps with her several times a week. by those actions alone its safe to say at least one of his heads is attracted to her

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

It can mean many things. It can mean that they tried to adjust their standards when they found the right person, it can mean that they dated somebody because they realised they couldn't find any better, it could mean that they made some compromises for the sake of the mutuality of the relationship without renouncing to the core principles. The point is, OP's husband had the Madonna Wh*ore complex and the friend had realised that giving a chance to men she doesn't like in case maybe she likes them better later is not the solution to her problems

[@keshaponso2034]

Is that the only reason you can think?

[@jademarine6847]

@keshaponso2034 Why wouldn't it? I mean, you're basically a last option that they'd never think to take other than to settle with. Why? Do you have your own take on it or anything to add? If so, share with the class if you will/nm And be aware that my own opinion just stems from the fact I view love as most important in a relationship, being the hopeless romantic I am, so being settled for would just be an insult to me

[@selinesbeau]

The husband's mind is a pretzel. Edit: If she ever does something knocks her off that pedestal, he's going to react very badly.

[@KnucklesxReala911]

I don't think that would be the case here since giving the circumstances, the only thing I see her making him being push out of the loop would be if op started acting nasty and like a jerk, this not the standard purity complex of "my gf is the softest more pure person ever, she is all cute and tiny uwu" is more of a "my wife is what represents the goodness itself, happiness and well being, she saved me and she can do everything, but now that I saw her being fragile, I'm so scared anything in the world could hurt her in any way" She described being taken care in all ways after her operation, if he only saw her as a super woman, this would have already throw him off, but he didn't because he admirers but fears for her well being too

[@Odd_Interaction]

I don’t even like “settling” for a home, a vehicle or job. Talk about soul crushing news, if my wife told me she settled for me our 41 year marriage would be over and done with.

[@reasonpeason847]

When I was in college, I had to find another place to live p fast and as time ticked, I started convincing myself that some things weren’t so bad to compromise on. “I don’t need a dishwasher, I’ll just start washing my dishes like I never had” “Oh… no laundry isn’t so bad! I can always have quarters” “So what if the corner cabinet door opens only 1/3 of the way because it’s hitting the hood over the stove? We can just… take it off!” and so it went… luckily it was only a few months and a decade later, hen I was looking to buy, I made no compromises on my musts because this time I was looking somewhere I would e living for at least a decade. So I have my in unit laundry, dish washer, central AC, heat, snow removal, common area maintenance, and garden space. I lived in one of the empty offices at my workplace for 4 1/2 months which sucked but I wasn’t about to make the “it won’t be so bad…” compromises I learned were awful for something long term like the home I’d own. It’s reasonable to have some expectations and musts for a life partnership. There room to grow together and make mutual compromises because in the context of the relationship it really is worth it. Settling for something for the rest of your life just e cause some clock is ticking? Not a good foundation. That’s something your learning to live with, not something you wanted and to reveal to a partner that’s what your relationship as been? Yeah, that’d rightfully be a soul crusher.

[@Odd_Interaction]

@@reasonpeason847 I agree 100%, sometimes you have to settle short term to reach your long term goals. But settle for a life partner? Or find out that your partner settled on you and you are not even their “type”. No way could I live with someone like that, or even want too.

[@davidlionheart2438]

It's sad that someone your age still believes life is a romantic fantasy.

[@Odd_Interaction]

@@davidlionheart2438 to each their own, I didn’t settle on my wife and she didn’t settle on me. We’ve had a wonderful life, with some ups and downs and some major life changes along the way. I still open the car door for her, hold her hand while we are walking around town, kiss her and tell her I love her every time I go somewhere without her. I’m extremely happy with my life and I would say she is as well. You have your views on life and are more than welcome to settle or trade up and down whenever the mood strikes you or your spouse. Guess it’s a person’s words carry no meaning and are not worth even hearing for the younger generations or at least some.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

​​@@davidlionheart2438he's not doing that. if you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person, better be one you like, not just tolerate. One thing is to make small adjustments and another is to be with somebody because you couldn't find anything better

[@hi_stranger9156]

Story 1: *"Some of the therapy was to try to get me off the pedestal but it didn’t really work and his intrusive thoughts got worse. He said he had to quit and I supported him."* So if he's not in therapy, what is he doing to work on his issues?

[@wimsylogic65]

He needs time. To figure some of the stuff out by himself or together with his wife. You don't need to be in therapy to work on dealing with putting your partner on a pedestal. Coming from someone who put their partner on a Pedestal. My husband saved my life. He loves me and looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world. Nothing can ever take him off that pedestal. It won't help our relationship. He will always be my world. And come first to me. Because to me without him there's no existence. There will be no changing that no therapy, Nothing. I presume is the same for 0 p and her husband. My husband and I have been together for 20 years so far. We are very happy. Still deeply in love. The problem is not how highly he thinks of her.. The problem is how low he thinks of himself. He needs to see that it's OK for him to be attracted to his wife. More than okay. And mostly that he is worthy of her. That's not exactly taking your person down from their pedestal, But rising yourself up to meet them. Because like me and my husband, they are Soulmates, They are happier together. Is any problems that come up are usually due to misunderstanding. The first therapist, in maybe other kinds of relationships, would be good advice. In this specific relationship I think it's not. As someone like the husband Anything that could risk separating him from his wife is Like choosing death. Trying to force him to go back into something that feels so threatening, is not a good route. It can send Him into a spiral. So the way to go about it is not that way. It's not to change how he thinks of his wife. To change how he thinks of himself. Because his wife loves him Thinks the world of him too.

[@kateworkman921]

Right?? When I heard that part and the rest of the update, I'm sitting here thinking, "It sounds more like therapy just got really hard for him and he wasn't interested in putting the work in, so he quit."

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

He has some variation of the Madonna Wh*re complex and he is afraid of what may happen

[@AWildJirachi]

Yeah no it definitely sounded like he wasn’t a fan of his way of thinking being brought into question and he’d rather quit when things get hard instead of actually trying to put the work in to better himself

[@ZombieSazza]

@@AWildJirachiexactly! I’ve known far too many people who’ve quit therapy because they face hard questions that forces them to work on whatever their issue may be, when they genuinely need the help. Personally I’ve been long diagnosed with cPTSD, I contacted my doctor recently talking about depressive periods becoming more common and not coping great, instead of shoving it aside I got medical help and had my PTSD meds increased to the max dosage and it’s genuinely helped a LOT, whilst using online resources (support groups) when I need to talk to someone with similar lived experience (child abuse survivor) because whilst I love my friends dearly, I do not wish to bum them out when they can’t relate or would be entirely horrified with my story. That’s what you’re meant to do, if it’s hard then you’re making progress, it simply isn’t an easy fix like slapping a plaster onto a small cut and calling it a day, it requires dedication and hard work! Living alongside trauma is hard but it’s better to learn to live alongside your trauma instead of having it completely ruin and rule your life. I’m honestly scared how OP is just completely fine with him not even trying like it’s no big deal, whilst he’s admitted to having some terrible intrusive thoughts, he NEEDS help and is completely unwilling to even try working through this!!!

[@graceisNERD]

Story 1: Therapy seems to “make it worse” because you’re dragging out your inner most darkness and pain into the light. You’re facing and experiencing it instead of trying to shove it away. Only by facing and working through it will it get better. It’s a hard and scary thing to do but necessary to get better. I hope the husband goes back in therapy to work through his issues.

[@poetryqn]

Story 1: I am so confused.I don't understand either of them, but it sounds like they are each dealing with some deep seated insecurities. OP finds it more comfortable to be focused on his trauma, and he finds it more comfortable focused on hers. Sounds like they need new therapists.

[@LaineyBug2020]

Story 1- I think he should see a CPTSD Psychiatrist instead of a counselor or Psychologist. I would also suggest EMDR.

[@annem7806]

Learn more about what you are talking about.

[@cami1700]

I agree. OP's husband very likely has CPTSD for being constantly exposed to bullying to the point it messed with how he sees OP. Hopefully they don't brush it off since trauma is complex and unfortunately there are people who still ignore how damaging bullying can be in the long run. Also agree with you on the EMDR suggestion.

[@errantwinds-up8uu]

Story 1 took one of the wildest turns I've seen. Did NOT expect any of that. I hope that Allan gets the help he desperately needs.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

The Madonna Wh*re complex? Not as unusual as people think

[@thomasjoseph5876]

This is a prime example of when a person ends up with a bad therapist. There are so many bad therapists out there and many people believe because one therapist didn't work that none of them will. This is sad and a good therapist would realize they aren't meshing and try to get him in with a different one because they aren't "clicking". The marriage counselor isn't any better because she should realize the husband is having a problem with their therapist and push hard for him or even him and the OP to get into the same therapist to try and get on the same page with their personal lives. We need more strict laws and regulations on therapists, counselors, etc. so situations such as this and many other kinds are avoided as often as possible. The dude NEEDS serious therapy and because the first one couldn't get thru to him he instead, quits. If anything, the OP needs to take control of this and find him a better one, and then get him going otherwise this will eventually explode.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

​@@thomasjoseph5876the husband has some variation of the Madonna Wh*re syndrome and needs a specific therapist specialised in that sort of problem

[@Sparky0627]

​@thomasjoseph5876 I don't think it was necessarily a "bad" therapist, just one he didn't mesh with. You need to feel that your therapist is helping you, but sometimes you aren't ready to face your demons.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

@@thomasjoseph5876 not a bad therapist necessarily. It's just that the problem he has must be treated by a therapist specialised in this kind of problem, not any therapist

[@nadtim]

So the husband didn't settle for op, he is attracted to her but since he associates those thoughts with something bad, because of his bullies, he shut down that part of him, I'm understanding right? Hope he gets help and their relationship survive

[@PeacheIIe]

relishioship?

[@nadtim]

@@PeacheIIe hhh typo, thanks, I'll fix that

[@junglebunny7061]

This confuses me because she said he is unfiltered when he’s drunk and he said he wasn’t attracted to her. I agree with the therapist that someone is lying.

[@raniamenjour8590]

@@junglebunny7061 I think he was gaslighting himself

[@D-M-K-1-2]

Story 2: This reminds me of a child who begs for a puppy, but then doesn't want to have any responsibility for it.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

OP doesn't have a pool problem, he has a serious wife problem and because of her general disrespect toward the OP, there are other things going on that if he investigates them, he probably won't like what he finds. This marriage is basically over and the OP doesn't want to examine further to realize it. He needs to do some snooping or hire a PI and also prepare an exit strategy to protect his assets. There are very few reasons a spouse disrespects the other spouse and their relationship so openly to them and none of them are salvageable especially if things have progressed too far already. One remedy often involves the spouse cutting out one or more people completely from their lives and/or leaving jobs, organizations, etc.

[@esterbengoa6077]

Story 2. Yes, you are! Stop pretending to be a martyr. Either you clean it as an act of love to your family and stop whining about it (I bet he does!), drains it and be done, or pay someone to clean.

[@faeriefire78]

I agree that there's more going on with Pool Princess. That kind of disrespect doesn't happen for no reason. OP needs to dig deeper.

[@robertx8020]

OP should just say "I'll do it tomorrow " and then tomorrow never comes I also wonder if both 'bring in the money ' or only OP does or only his wife does? because if OP is the only one then 'hiring someone' solves nothing as it would be still on OP for doing the work! Btw if wife makes minimum wages and OP earns 6 or more figures..or the other way around It's not even clear if OP has a job? Is the wife doing anything else? Because OP ONLY does the pool and the wife does the rest then OP should keep quiet ;) Also not clear from the story?

[@myeternalteardrop]

I have this exact situation with our cat, only it wasn't a child, it was my grown adult sister whom I live with who wanted a cat. I told her from the start that the cat would be her responsibility. We've had many instances where she was shirking this responsibility, usually to do with the cat box and oftentimes our apartment reeked of it. I wasn't about to clean it myself because, again, it was her idea to have a cat. Why should I be the one responsible for it? Count this with the fact that she's had a few instances where she forgot to get supplies for it. My sister has a habit of taking on things that are responsibilities while seemingly not realizing that she has to be responsible for it. She was already terrible at handling her other responsibilities and honestly, I should have put my foot down about it, but I didn't wanna come off as controlling or an AH. It's only now, 7 years later, that she actually makes the effort, but only after years of me b*tching at her about it.

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

I don't know how I feel about this. Obviously, I don't think being settled for is good at all. I honestly thought OP had some trauma. But it seems like her husband has a weird goddess complex for OP. He clearly needs massive help. I'm actually worried for OP. 😨

[@champslim]

Yea this feels off.

[@konstellashon1364]

What's weird for me is that it there was almost good advice. What triggered the current conflict is that OP's friend was talking about how she wouldn't settle for someone less physically attractive than she thought she deserved. This could've been a talk about how you shouldn't reject someone just because they're less than a 10. Personality compatibility matters, too. Then it seemed to turn into a story about a wife going into denial to be happy with a guy who isn't really into her at all. Now we got some sort of purity culture or Madonna complex?

[@bhutehole]

he sure sleeps with his wife alot for a man who isnt attracted to her. being its at several times a week, which would make many husbands jealous. I wonder how he gets it up doing it that much to someone he isnt attracted to?

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

​@@konstellashon1364the problem is twofold A)OP's husband has some variation of the Madonna Wh*re complex and has to be dealt with properly B)OP's friend is kind of right. In context, she had learnt that she doesn't systematically have to give any way who fancies her a chance in order not to look "superficial" or "princess". Women, specially beautiful women, despite what Nice Guys say, are very pressured to give Geeks and ugly men a chance for a number of reasons and it doesn't always work as expected. I always think about something that one of my professors told me once and it applies to both situations. He doesn't have to be handsome but you have to at the very least like him

[@KnucklesxReala911]

​@@MatildeVallespinCasasI don't think is exactly the Madonna complex, he sees her as Almost a savior of goodness than just the sexual aspect, he clearly doesn't want her hurt in any way, like socially or emotionally, if it was just purity it feels like would be even easier, but here is almost like he thinks the sun shines because of her happiness, which is why when he knew she had hear him saying he wasn't attracted to her, he would cry, because he felt he had hurt her

[@randalthor741]

From the way OP described herself and why she thinks most guys wouldn't be attracted to her, I'm just picturing her as Brienne of Tarth.

[@faeriefire78]

"We have an active sex life with a couple of quirks." Knowing what we do about the story so far, I'm morbidly curious about what these quirks are. Not only am I nosy af, but it might shed some more light on what his mindset is.

[@PrincessLioness]

Yeah when she said his intrusive thoughts are disturbing I wonder what kind of fantasies he has about her.

[@justKorppi]

Gut feeling? Probably domination. He spent so much of his formative years being figuratively stepped on, it wouldn't surprise me if he wants to be the one in charge now. And by in charge, probably not in a nice way. I would not be surprised if there were assault fantasies mentioned. Poor OP. I worry for her if he cracks.

[@raniamenjour8590]

I am so freaking happy I am not the only nosy one who wants to know the details XD

[@MrBrachiatingApe]

Lights off? Role play? Femdom? Or is he able to compartmentalize and he's the Dom in the bedroom? People often want the opposite in bed of what they strive for - or experience, whether they want to our not - in real life. The most submissive women I've ever met were professionally successful, even domineering. The most dominant men are usually nothing special in real life.

[@sunniermoon]

@@justKorppi Or submission. I mean the guy has this woman on a pedestal. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to be her submissive and have her dominate him. It would track.

[@grimdarkmalarkey5402]

For story 1, if the source of the intrusive thoughts is something like OCD, a psychiatrist prescribing medication might be the best option.

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

That pool story totally frustrated me. 😡 I mean even the kids are helping with the pool. Sounds like OP's wife is lazy and entitled. 😒 I hope we get an update on this one.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

I think it goes far further from just an entitled or lazy wife. She is openly challenging him and showing serious disrespect for him and their marriage. This is much more than just a pool or bad wife/communication issue as well. There are external driving forces leading to the wife's total lack of respect for the OP. He needs to do some investigating and hiring a professional will probably be his best bet. This more than likely won't end well especially if things have gone "too far" already in the wife's life. She will have to probably end up cutting one or more people from her life and possibly her job and/or other organizations, groups, etc. as well as lifestyle change.

[@moshigal156]

So basically, in the husband’s mind he sees OP as this ethereal goddess and he is this dirty peon who doesn’t deserve to even be in her presence. And given that he’s a dirty peon, it’s therefore WRONG for him to feel any sort of sexual attraction to OP because he would end up tainting her….Not saying the husband is actually a dirty peon or even a bad person, just trying to explain his mindset here. But DAMN that’s actually really sad and my heart breaks for him. To feel so worthless and idolize someone SO MUCH that it feels like a crime to feel basic attraction to them, the husband’s sense of self worth and self esteem is so nonexistent that it’s actually in the negatives! Poor guy needs serious help.

[@loganjoh1]

Story 1: wow there’s a lot to unpack. But OP needs to handle her own self esteem issues and she might have to step away from her husband so he can work on himself because he has her in a really high pedestal and that isn’t healthy and from what she is saying he desperately needs help this is urgent.

[@ForsetisStenographer]

Story 1: Given that she saved him and comforted him, his strong rejection to the idea of OP being a sexual being makes me think that he sees her as his mother figure. Which... Yeah, therapy. Too bad he decided to stop.

[@HobieInTheBox]

This absolutely

[@geckokid8265]

If that's the case Freud would be doing whatever the exact opposite of spinning in his grave is

[@idiotoninternet]

I was thinking more of the “Madonna/whore” complex

[@MrBrachiatingApe]

He's doing victory laps around the afterlife after finally discovering the first real example of the Oedipus Complex.

[@stan8479]

That's not how OCD works.

[@MysticEle]

Ok, sometimes you need to settle. I wanted to order a certain desert at a place recently, but they were out. So I went with something else I like but not what what I wanted. But in a partner? Outside of expectations that are/can be unrealistic, no.

[@bricksloth6920]

Intrusive thoughts fall under the same umbrella as OCD tendencies. In other words, this might be a medication thing more than a therapy thing.

[@soogymoogi]

It's probably good to do both, especially if he does get a dx

[@bricksloth6920]

Except he said he's not willing to do the therapy. So looks like meds or nothing 🤷

[@wildwikedwanderer1208]

Story 1: ok so he didn’t settle he actually does really love OP. Tho he’s also in need of truck loads of therapy. He might be some stalker ish maybe obsessive levels of idolizing OP. Allan got to marry his goddess but is being weird about it.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

I don't get this whole settling duscussion. Okay, she originally wasn't his type, but nobody is 100% all preferences. He says he loves her, they have an active sex life and he says he never wants to leave her. So what's the issue here? Also, do you really sleep with people multiple times per week when you're zero attracted to this person? Another thing, OP's friend doesn't sound healthy either. She broke up with her bf cuz she was out of his league??? What league, the champions League? There's no leagues in dating 🙄

[@CurliFox]

​@@Nathan_Bookwurm When it comes to the friend, there are many things they couldve been incompatible about. She could have wanted to own her own company, while he was fine with a 9-5. She could have wanted a mansion, while he just wanted a place to lay his head. Lifes complicated.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

​@@Nathan_BookwurmOP's husband has a variation of the Madonna Wh*re complex that can be solved if dealt properly. OP's friend is not unhealthy either. What she means is that she has learnt the lesson that she doesn't have to give a chance to anybody she doesn't feel attracted to in order not to look "superficial" or so. Most probably she was probably pressured to date him and she realised that they weren't a match anyway

[@darkunykorn404]

@@Nathan_Bookwurm it says the friend broke up with the bf because *he* was insecure about her being out of his league. So it's not that she thought she could do better, just that *he* thought she could. Makes sense to not want to be with someone who is insecure about you being hotter than them.

[@MrEricSir]

Fun fact: skateboarding first took off in California due to water shortages. Since nobody could fill their pools with water, kids repurposed the empty pools as skate parks.

[@ItsYaBoiV]

If you think being "settled for" is ok, you should see somebody about your self confidence

[@jimdob6528]

Or you actually live in reality. Some people are delusional and think they deserve the Disney princess/prince style. Life is what you make of it.

[@catsncrows]

Spoken by someone who isn't fighting out from under the projected self hatred, isolate their children from the world team of my family, still fighting, still reclaiming my self in my 50s

[@magicalmomo9987]

​@@jimdob6528You need to understand that NOBODY deserves to be in a relationship where someone settles for you, it's not healthy. They do not treat you well and sometimes will leave you the moment they realize they actually can get what they want. And it feels like shit to know your partner doesn't think you're attractive. You should always be with someone who you are attracted to and who is attracted to you. Even a mental health professional will tell you this, it's so basic lmao

[@lithuaniaball]

@@magicalmomo9987 kids like you think you're immortal. Newsflash hot shot, you're gonna be old and ugly some day. If you're so shallow you think finding you attractive is a reasonable requirement, tell me what you think happens to your marriage when you're in your 60s, or your 70s, or your 80s and you've gone all saggy and your parts don't work anymore. What will you have then? Nothing, if love isn't good enough for you, that's what

[@lithuaniaball]

@@magicalmomo9987 so when you're 80 and not attractive anymore, what happens to your marriage? You get divorced in the retirement home?

[@joeschmo622]

I wouldn't touch the pool from that point forward. _"The pool needs cleaning. It's turning green."_ "Go'head and clean it. *You* wanted the pool. Have at it..."

[@dianedupree-dempsey2402]

Re: the pool story - when our kids were young, I wanted a pool. I wanted it for the family, but also for me. We all used it. We had parties, and everyone enjoyed it. I still did the bulk of the cleaning, albeit with help from hubby and sometimes kids. I had agreed to that because it was worth it to me. Hubby hadn’t cared, but because he enjoyed the pool he was willing to help. I suspect there’s more than a pool problem in the op’s house. I hope they figure it out.

[@Sherwoody]

Interesting point. Does OP do any other work around the house.

[@dianedupree-dempsey2402]

@@SherwoodyGood question.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

I agree, the OP doesn't have a pool maintenance problem, he has a serious wife problem. Not wanting to "clean" a pool doesn't create the level of disrespect the wife has for the OP and their marriage. The OP needs to snoop around or better yet, snoop and hire a PI to find out what is actually going on but I don't think he will like what he finds.

[@esterbengoa6077]

​@@thomasjoseph5876I bet the wife is bored of the pool issue too. He sounds like a petty man!😂

[@stan8479]

I have sexual intrusive thoughts and OCD and this first story sounds very similar. It seems to me that OP and Allan love each other very much, so hopefully things work out.

[@kristinecollier9155]

First story, I think he needs a therapist that helps in sex. Not a sex therapist per say, they help couples with their sex life, but one to help with his specific "problem". What he's doing is ok, he's her husband! He's allowed to have fantasies about his wife, and to talk about them with her, and for her to have boundaries about which ones she will do.

[@KadeStringer2.0]

Those types of therapy don’t exist however it should

[@kristinecollier9155]

@@KadeStringer2.0 what type? Sex therapist? Yes, they do exist.

[@dodgyyoutuber9560]

Not if he’s fantasizing about raping or hurting her. From the context of her being physically vulnerable after surgery, it sounds like that could have been what he was experiencing.

[@cniknik9863]

​@dodgyyoutuber9560 Yeah, I thought that too. They should definitely look into medication to quell the intrusive thoughts. I saw other comments mention the obsessive thoughts sound like OCD so maybe that is the root.

[@TheMomzombie]

Story #1-the husband doesn’t seem stable.

[@CurliFox]

Between his Madonna complex, and repressed sexuality, he seems like a character from a true crime video.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

To be honest, they BOTH seem to have their own sets of issues. Sadly, the hubby came across a bad therapist (seems to be more of them these days than good ones) and gave up. The OP should find him a good one and push him to go again as well as one for herself. Their marriage counselor isn't doing them many favors either as she seems to be barely holding her own with them as a couple and has to be able to see they both are individually struggling.

[@keshaponso2034]

He seems way more stable than she is.

[@kichikitsu]

@@thomasjoseph5876100%! sounds like he got retraumatized by a careless therapist. i hope when he's in a better mental state, he looks into therapists that specialize in sexual trauma and undoing it, bc thats what he needs. he needs to learn that sexual thoughts aren't inherently bad first and foremost before anything else. and OP definitely has body issues that needs to be worked through too.

[@nataliereeves3594]

Is it me, or does op have really low self-esteem and just the first guy who showed any interest in her.

[@nekorei2023]

Anyone reading this in a bad mood: i love you 🌸😄

[@shaetoons3602]

I would've left him after that confession. I refuse to be settled for. I want someone who wants me the same way I want them. It's that simple🤷🏾‍♀️

[@lithuaniaball]

I think the kids call that delulu. When you find the unicorn consisting of all the best parts of your many, *many* relationships, you will be shocked, horrified, and appalled to find out he "settled" for someone better than you. Relationships are about what you can give, not what you can take, and that's why you're going to settle too, or you'll be alone.

[@AlyssMadigan]

Ironically the twist is that he's actually extremely attracted to her and feels evil and unpure because of it x'D

[@wimsylogic65]

I think in this particular case that would have been a mistake. They sound like they are perfect for each other. They have a beautiful relationship. What he said drunk was not the truth. He so attracted to her that he feels guilty for being so. Because he loves and cares about her so much. He thinks he doesn't deserve her By some miracle his goddess is with him. And any inpure thoughts against his goddess is like blasphemy. So he hated himself for being attracted to her. It's so far from settling. He didn't Settle for her. She is his world. vice versa he is her world. He just needs to be shown that it's okay for him to be attracted to his wife. His trauma from being in school is confusing him. These are 2 Soulmates who are meant to be together who are just having a misunderstanding.

[@clownrat5759]

@@AlyssMadigani still think that’s worth leaving. He doesn’t even see her as human at this point. He sees her as this angelic being who can do no wrong and MUST under EVERY THREAT be protected and coddled. That’s exhausting, and extremely unhealthy.

[@KadeStringer2.0]

@@clownrat5759yes he does but he just doesn’t know what to feel

[@PinkMarshmallows]

Story 2: NTA. I'm a SAHW and we have an inground pool. My husband told me that it's my job to maintain the pool. I tried for about 2ish months, but as someone who has never taken care of a pool before, I had no idea what I was doing. So, my husband told to me to get a pool company to take care of it, I was stubborn at first because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but ultimately, I caved and called. If the wife doesn't want to take care of the pool (and if it's an inground pool), then I say either call a company to take care of it or drain the entire pool and fill it with dirt (yes, you can do that). If it's an above ground pool, drain it and tear it down.

[@hoppystar439]

As someone who has had intensive therapy, it saddens me that he quit. It always gets worse before you get better as you are forced to confront uncomfortable things. It does feel awful and that you are getting worse, but it does get better. You have to face your trauma and unpack it in order to get better. I don't think its anything to do with the therapist, I think its because he's scared to confront his trauma.

[@marahbaker8615]

The way he's put her up on a pedestal like that is very unsettling in my opinion. It would just sincerely creep me out and borders on obsession

[@Donutlove4ever]

This breaks my heart. It honestly sounds like OPs husband endured some seggsual assault at some point in his life. Maybe He's projecting onto OP how he was violated. Men are way less likely to seek help for SA. And avoiding therapy saying "therapy is making me worse", that happens a lot when people who have buried trauma, start to reopen those wounds often that person will run away from therapy. I hope he gets help. There is something much deeper happening inside her husband that doesn't have to do with her being on a pedestal

[@glitterbeardwizard5171]

Honestly as someone that people don’t find attractive, this is just how relationships work. It’s more about the personality of the person and truthfully it’s more peaceful and happy without dealing with people’s feelings about attractiveness.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

But they have to like you despite your attractiveness. Women are constantly pressured to give men they feel not attracted to a chance or they are "superficial". Nope, it's just that they are incompatible

[@pauldunn3946]

Most pools here only have a concrete skirt, but are not fulling enclosing. the water is held in by a plastic liner. So, draining completely is not an option as without the water pushing back on the ground, the ground will settle and the pool will likely suffer damage over time. Even when winterizing this type of pool, you leave about half the the water in before you seal the pool. Filling the pool in will resolve the issue, but may lead to other issues. For example, when my sister removed her pool liner and filled the pool in, it affected how rain water drained on her property. THere was a large hill behind her house and run off from heavy rain essentially found an easy path through the soil she filled the pool with and gave the water a more direct path to flow. Problem is, that direct path was through her basement. Even a mild rain would cause a 2 foot deep flowing river across her entire basement

[@despinasgarden.4100]

I remember this story,to be honest, i was pretty disgusted at his drunk confesion, i get the comments here saying that some people have imposible spectations/standars about what they want in a partner (and most of then hardly live to that spectations themselves), but i'm my opinion, your partner being atracted (psychically at least) to you is not a high expectation at all, is the bare minimun. But after earing the updates, it doesn't sounds like he settle at all, it sounds like he put OP in a very, very high pedestal because she was the only person that defended him from his bullies. No wonder he's so protective of her, hearing his bullies say sexual comments about OP probably made him scared that they'll do something bad to her. Is not that he isn't atracted to OP, he feels guilty for feeling atracted to her. I hope he goes back to therapy eventualy, represing his feelings/thoughts like this is not healthy at all, putting someone in a pedestal like this is extremely dangereous. Also, OP needs therapy for her low self-steem and people pleasing tendencies, i don't doubt that they love eachother, but a person with repression issues that worships a people pleaser is not a good convination in the long run.

[@DameNickum]

Don’t drain it and leave it, a pool can rise up out of the ground if left empty during wet season.

[@aubreymorgan9763]

I've had pools off an on growing up and never once had to drain it...what is going on over there? lol

[@terramarini6880]

l Have to leave the plug out, as long as water in the soil can equalize into the void of the pool it will stay put. if the water can't enter the pool, it will indeed float up out of the ground. Don't know why he drained it though unless the liner needed attention.

[@ecologytoday]

Most of the advice I have seen suggests that generally a pool can't be left empty ( except very specific arrangements)

[@Boundwithflame23]

@@ecologytoday Yeah I know community pools or pools at water parks will generally be left empty during the off-season but those are also generally professionally maintained

[@mikaq19]

The pool story would piss me off. I would call a contractor to break it down and backfill the hole. Then have nice grass installed. It’ll remove a dangerous hazard for kids and get a break on the house insurance since they are such a liability.

[@AlyssMadigan]

Comments on the thread for the last post are dumb because they're trying to relate it back to sharing household chores. She agreed to clean the pool. If the rest of the chores need to be re-split, then do THAT and also keep her to her word. Besides, the initial point was 80% so he planned to help her and is still going to help her because he's clearly the type. But she's literally going back on her word AND refusing to help AT ALL even a little bit.

[@rebag3545]

If you're into gardening you could drain the pool, put a glass roof over it, and now it's a below ground greenhouse

[@JayeEllis]

Story 1: If there's one thing I've learned in life: there's a taste out there for every flavor. Don't settle because you think no one could ever be attracted to you. There is a whole selection of people out there who are looking for exactly what you have.

[@erickaennis2738]

OP in S1 broke my heart. She needs to realize her self worth. Oh man. Poor thing. I couldn't stay after that. Wow. 😢

[@wimsylogic65]

No, What she thinks of herself is not the problem. The problem is what he thinks of himself. He doesn't feel his worthy to be with her. He needs to see that he is.

[@SethUnwell]

Story 1.... He likes seeing her hurt and completely dependent on him.. but he also likes her being his hero and his obsession

[@reasonpeason847]

Story 1: WOW I was not expecting THAT turn like… he did the exact opposite of settle… like the EXTREME opposite… but the dude needs to reconcile that just because bad people had thoughts about OP that he also had doesn’t make being attracted to her bad. It sucks that his relationship with his sexuality got fucked up by that, but it’s kind of the whole “Hitler was a vegetarian and opposed animal cruelty” thing. Those things didn’t become bad because he supported them, he was bad for the actual evil shit he carried out. I mean, he loved his girlfriend, that doesn’t make loving your girlfriend evil. It makes it uncomfortable to see him flirting with his girlfriend because of the evil shit he did. It’s unsettling or uncanny to see regular human interactions, what would even be considered cute or sweet in regular circumstances, coming from someone who did so much evil. OP’s husband needs to reconcile the fact that everyone involved is human, himself, his bullies, and especially OP. They will have overlapping thoughts and traits. He might also feel guilt thinking his wife was able to help and protect him without having “bad” thoughts about him so he’s bad for having any of those thoughts about her doing the same thing. But thoughts aren’t what makes him bad, his actions are. If he took advantage of her, that’d be bad. It’s a shame therapy took him down a route that intensified his intrusive thoughts. The dude needs serious help. Loving his wife and being attracted to her isn’t bad, being appreciative for everything she did wasn’t bad, marrying her and building a life together wasn’t bad, helping her as she helped him wasn’t bad. Idolizing and deifying her however? That’s… putting her to a standard above being human and fallible. What an insane turn, man. It’s like the extreme of the guy who convinced himself his entire life with his wife was paying back her dad without realizing that actually he was insanely love with her.

[@reasonpeason847]

Story 2: Oh man, lemme tell ya bout pools m8 So idk if OP has a liner or they live somewhere warm enough that they can just have a concrete pool or smth but I live where we have 4 seasons with a huge difference in weather and stuff. The thing with liners is they will need to be changed eventually. They’ll get bubbles if there’s water collecting under it, wrinkles are hard to get out. You do literally fill the pool with just a hose running all day. You have to get the right mix of chemicals to keep it clean and safe to swim in (man the size of those chlorine buckets…). I mean, you don’t know what could happen when you get a mouthful of untreated water uuuugh. Especially when you open that sucker up after the winter. When you open the pool after the winter, it will be half full. It will be green, it will have all manner of debris and creatures in it. There are so any worms and bugs in there. So you have to clean all of that out, drain the rest of the water, and the inside needs to be cleaned off whatever you can get. Then refilled and then treat the water that’ll kill off the stuff that can’t be cleaned off as easy or whatever remains of the algae. The pool can’t be entered for a few days because of the chemicals doing their work. It’s too dangerous when it’s that concentrated. Then there’s maintaining the filter and water pump to make sure it stays clean. Be ready to find dead mice, frogs, and small birds in the filter along with plant matter. You need to test the water to make sure the chemical levels are safe. Then stuff like ladders and diving boards, you need to remove those and pack them away for the season so the cover can be put on. Getting a cover stretched over a pool is hardly a one person job and that needs to be replaced when it gets to worn out eventually too, just like the liner. If water collecting under the liner becomes a regular thing… well my parents had to have a huge fuckin trench dug through the entire backyard so that they could install something to drain water away from directly under the pool (compromises the integrity of the liner). The trench gets filled back up, yeah, but it’s still a lot of work and money. You may get one of those little robot vacuums that roll around the bottom of the pool cleaning it. You may see it just randomly doing nothing so you have to figure out why. Dirt and debris will still collect on the bottom of the pool from people just using it, so you get a broom with a handle literally 10 ft long (like 3 meters) to take care of it. Also expect to use a skimmer to save the occasional small animal that gets stuck in there. Mice, non aquatic birds, rabbits, squirrels, etc. My dad’s a regular Hank Hill bout both the lawn and pool, really likes to maintain them and get them looking nice, but for over 20 years, I seen the work it take and oh man, it’s WORK. Firmly NTA to OP from me in wanting his wife who promised to take care of it p much pulling the equivalent of the kids promising they’ll take care of a dog themselves and then not. :y

[@kmgg5005]

I'm a psychologist, if the guy from story 1 is not ready there is no point in pushing him. his wife is being supportive and non-judgemental- to me this is wonderful...I hope he will be ready sooner than later, and that they both find more peace.

[@wimsylogic65]

I agree.

[@SteviiLove]

Yeah, so wonderful for her to go above and beyond for a man that felt obligated to settle for her. So great.

[@IanCCal]

​@@SteviiLove but what you're missing is that the husband actually didn't settle for her, he just made it seem that way to cover up the fact that he is actually very attracted to his wife. Those thoughts of attraction and feelings of lust for her, were associated in his mind with the people that bullied him in high school, who verbalized those same thoughts. Essentially, because they were bad and thought that way, it was bad for him to feel that way. He's afraid of being seen in her eyes as being the same as the people that tormented him, who they both agree, were bad. So, to never even risk himself being even remotely connected to what he perceived as 'bad', he pretended to be the exact opposite. It's some pretty twisted logic, but besides that, it seems like from the wife's description, he's a pretty good husband. I think it's pretty awesome and shows a high level of maturity to accept this from your partner and to be there for them as they figure it out. So yeah, it is pretty great that she's willing to do that for him.

[@indianspartan76]

Story 1 is hitting me in some ways. It made me tear up and I don't know why

[@michaellott5007]

Story 2: OP NTA. Wife told hubby what to when she said " STOP BLUFFING" hell that's permission to take action.

[@susandehaan1636]

I was engaged to a guy that after 4 years of dating together told me (after I bought up a relationship issue) he wasn't "in love" with me and he wasn't attracted to me. He said I was his best friend and was willing to settle because I was the best relationship he has had and he would bring up IMO made up social expectations on where his life should be at his age (career, house, and marriage). I wasn't willing to settle for a relationship where I wasn't fully loved and desired and left. Not the same as OPs situation but her advice to her friend was sound IMO.

[@jarethpalmer8672]

This, i feel like there is a big difference between not going for perfection and being with someone you don't love.

[@juliamiller2299]

Story 1, His thoughts about OP are so disturbing to him, that he can't face them right now. So he quit therapy. His issues are still there and he will only get worse over time. Story 2, He should have got it in writing, or tell her you will get a pool cleaning service and she can pay for it, or you will just empty the pool and build a deck over it.

[@hvymax]

You couldn't pay me to have a pool in the yard!!! Join a local pool with lifeguards to take care of it.

[@annem7806]

Bullied hubby needs to continue with personal therapy. He is not well. This will not end well.

[@annem7806]

Decide who will do what duty & what duties will be hired out. Let it turn green. Wife is a bish.

[@princedorado6368]

I wouldn’t stay with someone. That felt obligated to be with me as a “thank you”.

[@Graves933]

That sounds like a form of OCD or intrusive thoughts. Something like a religious upbringings can make normal sexual thoughts seem absolutely abhorrent and like you're unclean for having them. He seems so horribly distraught I hope he gets the help he needs soon, intrusive thoughts are absolutely horrible

[@keishaizawesome2836]

As someone who was "settled for" it feels horrible knowing that someone who says they love you feels that way.

[@christinesinclair6938]

S1: After all of that, I feel sorry for OP1 tbh. It's not going to end well. S2: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I hope the wife enjoys her stupid prize.

[@HobieInTheBox]

OP needs to be careful not to enable his trauma, and guide him in the right direction to therapy. That just sounds scary

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #1: I agree with Mark. Husband sounds *very* unstable and OP in huge denial. I mean, what if something knocks her off that pedestal, either something she does without realizing the effect or even something outside her control? That could horribly wrong very quickly.

[@recycledapathy7411]

I swear with story 2 I'd be half tempted to fill the pool in and turn it into a vegetable patch. If I have to do all the work on something, I'd prefer it be working on something that I actually like doing and benefits me.

[@Anna-Jade]

I ended my ten year marriage when I finally realised that my husband still loved his ex. It broke my heart, but there was just no way I could tolerate being with a man who saw me as 'second best'. I honestly don't see how any marriage can work when you know that your spouse is pining away for their 'lost love'. Have some self respect and walk away........no matter how much it hurts.

[@wimsylogic65]

Story 1 They sound like they are perfect for each other. They have a beautiful relationship. What he said drunk was not the truth. He so attracted to her that he feels guilty for being so. Because he loves and cares about her so much. He thinks he doesn't deserve her By some miracle his goddess is with him. And any inpure thoughts against his goddess is like blasphemy. So he hated himself for being attracted to her. It's so far from settling. He didn't Settle for her. She is his world. vice versa he is her world. He just needs to be shown that it's okay for him to be attracted to his wife. His trauma from being in school is confusing him. These are 2 Soulmates who are meant to be together who are just having a misunderstanding.

[@ircillo351]

The only thing I can think about in story one is that this is what happens when the mentally unwell stalker gets everything they want, he's got a weird mental shrine of her🤢

[@sagejungwirth4155]

I feel bad for ops husband. As someone whos struggled with intrusive thoughts, its not always as simple as 'its not real, youre a good person, get therapy'. Sometimes, intrusive thoughts are related to anxiety or ocd. Maybe hubby needs to address his anxiety before he can work to improve his perspective on the relationship.

[@ACCER]

I've owned a large inground pools most of my life. If you can afford the pool then you can likely afford someone to take care of it for you. What he NEEDS to do is just stop caring for it. She can do it or hire someone to do it. How he needs to frame it is, "I agree, there is no further discussion to be had about the pool that YOU wanted and YOU use more than I do. I will no longer be caring for it so you need to figure it out." Then walk away. Let it go from there.

[@Acatandanomad]

Good morning, Mark, Poppy, and waffle gang! Hope you have a great day! ~a Cat and a Nomad

[@ZarineBashire]

This sounds like a good plot for a Manhwa where the main character ends up marrying the super sweet male lead who is secretly a villain and obsessed with her

[@TheAuthorgal]

The problem when someone “settles” is that the person who did so will always look at the other as though they did them a huge favor and will start to think that the other person should be grateful because they did it. It’s literally them thinking that their SO can’t do better. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship is knowing you both could have gotten someone else but acknowledging you both choose to love each other every single day.

[@yukidogzombie4708]

story 1 I think that OP may need to take a break from her husband coz non of that sounds safe and husband needs help bad

[@shadowkissed2370]

Story 1: she keeps saying she had no trauma but then says that she was forced to be and act older than her age because of her looks. As someone who was forced to be an adult and forsake my own childhood, I can tell you she has trauma. That is where her people-pleasing comes from, and that is where she gets "no one will love me because of my looks." They both have their own traumas and need to work through them. They are bouncing off of each other.

[@Ayimii]

I have absolutely no problem with men showing emotions and expressing them, but if anyone started crying repeatedly every time I tried to have a conversation with them, I would be beyond annoyed. Her husband is a mess. Get it together.

[@SteviiLove]

OP in story 1, I just feel sad for. The husband was crying because he finally got to hear what a POS he's been to OP.

[@maxinemyers9215]

What a heartbreaking story to be in her shoes ! Also the husband has a problem!! Thanks Mark🌷

[@jackwatt8988]

2: OP brought this upon himself. She wanted the pool, let her take care of it. He just has to refuse to have anything to do with the pool. The thing to say is "if you'd like I can call someone to come and fill the pool in for us, but if you want to keep it you are on your own with maintenance and upkeep.

[@tully6648]

Story 1: I know this is armchair psychology or whatever, but it sounds like OP's husband has CPTSD. A lot of people will brush that off because "he was only bullied," but C/PTSD can come from a lot of things. In the husband's case, I'd wager he's been carrying around some very dark intrusive thoughts (revenge fantasies). When he saw his wife in a vulnerable state post-surgery, he could have thought something that I won't name in a KZbin comment. It's not something he'd ever do, and the thought clearly terrifies him, but having the thought at all and it mimicking something his bullies had said damaged him. He's afraid of himself, and confronting those thoughts in therapy are likely what made him feel like he "got worse." It will be difficult to get him back into therapy, but if he can go again, they need to find someone that specializes in either exposure therapy or EMDR. Just talking about his thoughts isn't going to cut it here.

[@adriancummings2664]

Story 2: A couple of years ago, we bought a house with a pool. People vastly underestimate how much upkeep a pool requires (including myself).

[@kristinecollier9155]

LOL Me again! When my sister and I were younger, my dad had a chance to buy a pool that graduated to 6 foot deep, it was huge! He asked us kids, that if he got it, would we help keep with the up keep? We screamed yes! We helped with getting the spot ready, then we helped vacuum the bottom, kept sweeping the water of leaves and water bugs and my dad kept checking the water level and care of the filter. It was a win win!!

[@lorrainemontagnon1537]

Goodmorning Mark! You sassy dude lol! As usual much love to everyone, and special hugs to Poppy!❤

[@Louves192]

Story 1 is terrifying. They are both doing really bad mentally. OP's husband is in the middle of a serious mental health crisis and OP's self-esteem is so low she just enables him. And now he quit therapy because it was 'making him worse'. But it will always get worse before it can get better when it's about dealing with trauma. Working through all the stuff that happened to you hurts.

[@mitchellscheer677]

Reddit: "Now it makes sense! You don't have the trauma!" Meanwhile OP: I'm worthless and no one will ever find me attractive.

[@danmancino22]

Therapy. Isn't. The. Solution. For. Everything.

[@Elkrid665]

Love the narrations as always mark, keep up the good work!

[@raptoress6131]

OP: I'm like a mustard-colored sock, lucky to find someone who won't throw me away.

[@Silence-1170]

Hi waffles hope you are all doing well today! Stay safe and stay positive waffles! Hope you all have a super Saturday!

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

I hope you do too silence 🤗🤗💜💜🧇🧇

[@Tammohawk1]

2. While I'm glad to hear that OP's husband is attracted to her, didn't settle for her, there is the mental health side of this that needs to be addressed pronto. 3. I'd just drain the pool and tell the wife that when she wants to start helping clean the pool they can fill the pool again.

[@Abuakasilkyjohnson]

listening to op trying to give advice when she the one in need of rescue

[@PeacheIIe]

Story 1, the husband might have OCD because speaking from experience, those intrusive thoughts can get really bad and OP said that she found out some of his were disturbing. The thing with intrusive thoughts is that they're nothing to do with you as a person and they're not desires, they're traumatic things that the person absolutely hates. I think the husband is struggling with having a healthy view of his attraction to his wife because the scary intrusive thoughts keep getting in the way and he cant seperate the two. I'd be willing to bet he's got more trauma that he hasnt revealed yet.

[@mayallyourbaconburn]

Story one: My little sister is in a similar situation as OP’s friend. She has come to terms that although she loves her current boyfriend, she’s not in love with him. But she’s also afraid that this is the best she will get. She said something along the lines of “He doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken like that.” To which I replied, “he also doesn’t deserve to marry a woman that doesn’t love him.” My advice, was to take a break from the relationship, and during that time, really contemplate what it is that she feels, figure out what she needs, and in the end be confident and sure in her decision and be ok with it. For all of you in similar positions, I’ll tell you what I told her. I trust that in the end, you will make the best decision. The best decision for you, and the best decision for them. Sometimes the best decision is to go your separate ways, and that does not make you a bad person.

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

I always think what a professor of mine told me once in respect to this. "He doesn't have to be handsome but you have to like him at the very least". Women, particularly attractive ones, and occasionally men when they are in a long dry spell or similar, are pressured to give people they don't like a chance, just in case they are their match. It comes from the belief that an amorous relationship is a "favour" or a "recognition" to somebody else, not a mutual feeling and committment

[@jarethpalmer8672]

​@@MatildeVallespinCasasthat's good advice i feel like it's easy for someone who you have relatively neutral or slightly positive views of their looks to become very attractive in your eyes based on personality but if you find someone unattractive it's hard to find them attractive even if they have the best personality.

[@gngrblls2thwall]

I don't think your spouse not being your ideal of every conceivable category counts as settling unless nobody has ever don't anything other than settle.

[@Denuhm]

Story 1 would be really difficult for me as a therapist. I’m glad they were able to find someone with a lot of experience and knowledge. It’s very difficult to be congruent with new clients as a therapist. Scary even. You never know how they might react. This person was really alert to pinpoint that there was trauma. I’m really glad OP and Hubby are working through this and are talking to each other now. It’s going to be one hell of a ride. I see plenty of alarm bells with this one and there is going to be a lot of hurdles. But I genuinely think that with time and some effort, they have a chance to make it.

[@AM-cv9fi]

S1: This is how true crime stories begin

[@NexLevel719]

The chances of finding someone that gives you 100% of what you want in a partner is slim to none. There will always be some degree of settling

[@cutekitty1212]

Everytime I hear inreusive thoughts I think of OCD, I have it and intrusive thoughts are a bitch and a half.

[@jbgra2566]

That first story man... Husband is a ticking bomb

[@ketrava0425]

All I have to say on the first story is. Most people consider it settling if they could have gotten somebody prettier and let me tell you if there's one thing I've learned in life. It's that looks are not everything and the whole package is important. my ex looked great. She was also a narcissistic backstabbing monster who cheated on me for 5 or 7 years we were together and planned on taking my dogs

[@yeoreumdaisy]

Being with someone you aren't necessarily that attracted to physically isn't always "settling" it often means you made an active decision that physical attraction isn't as important to you as other qualities that person has. I wasnt that attracted to my boyfriend at first when we started seeing eachother but his genuine sweetness and caring personality won me over and i care about him alot. I would never say I settled for him. Sure it wasn't love at first sight but it isnt settling either. For the woman who said her husband settled on her despite her being not attractive that doesnt necessarily seem like the case. Settling is when you dont feel super strongly about someone but you are like, ehhh this will do... for one reason or the other.