Men. Abuse. Trauma. | Philosophy Tube ★

A play about masculinity, anxiety, relationships, and Shrek - / philosophytube ★
Subscribe! tinyurl.com/pr99a46
Paypal.me/PhilosophyTube
Wanna get me a gift for the show? amzn.eu/5JAYdOd
Check out my other videos on:
Abortion & Ben Shapiro - • Abortion & Ben Shapiro...
Sex Work: • Sex Work | Philosophy ...
Jordan Peterson & The Meaning of Life • Jordan Peterson & The ...
Brexit: What is Democracy? • Brexit: What Is Democr...
Steve Bannon: • Steve Bannon | Philoso...
Why Does Britain Still Have A Queen? • Why Does Britain Still...
KZbin: Art or Reality? • KZbin: Art or Realit...
Is Philosophy Just White Guys J3rk!ng Off? • Is Philosophy Just Whi...
Transphobia: An Analysis - • Transphobia: An Analys...
Suicide and Mental Health - • Suic!de and Ment@l He@...
Why Do I Hate My Self? • Why Do I Hate My Self?...
Discord: / discord
Twitter: @PhilosophyTube
Email: [e-mail]
Facebook: tinyurl.com/jgjek5w
realphilosophytube.tumblr.com
Bibliography:
Jean Paul Satre, No Exit
Descartes, Meditations
Hegel, Phenomenology of Spirit
Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks
Du Bois, The Souls of Black Folk
Widdows, Perfect Me
Critchley, Infinitely Demanding
Hamlett, "Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden" www.harpersbazaar.com/culture...
'Gagarin' by Public Service Broadcasting

[@PhilosophyTube]

People liked Shrek

[@Alpacnologia]

i like shrek (commented before knowing the inevitable metaphor it represents here)

[@Shaddytheguy]

People liked Sonic too BUT WHERE DID THAT GO DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN I TELL YOU YEAH I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THAT SHIT IT'S NOT FUCKIGN FAIR AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK WHAT WE USED TO HAVE IT WAS A THRIVING GROUP AND NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF JADED CYNICS WHO WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING

[@samboujaiteh3331]

Shrek 2 was better, though. Also... I don’t know if I’m ready for another Cosmonaut episode yet. I just discovered this channel a few weeks ago.

[@Denoobiest]

commenting on your own video 2 weeks early is a hard flex

[@jordanwait7264]

Cite your sources

[@vlogbrothers]

Being on Philosophy Tube is the coolest thing that ever happened to The Fault in Our Stars. -John

[@PhilosophyTube]

you absolute legend

[@camipco]

Pish posh, you were on Lindsay Ellis

[@theawkwardcurrypot9556]

Now both of you,give me an autograph.

[@MrFindX]

Please collab

[@kangz8030]

My main man John green, I love your history videos on crash course

[@ContraPoints]

Beautiful video! We stan an IKEA-smashing giga Chad.

[@mb-176]

How long until this comment gets at the top.

[@user-gp4sx3jo4i]

@@mb-176 like two minutes

[@liladuter856]

Y'all gettin' married yet?

[@benallen464]

yeet

[@yaggayaggaya9918]

What a beautiful surprise at the bottom of the comment section 😍

[@alextromagnetic]

“If I’d been traumatised, I’d know it” That cut me right to the very core

[@zhshsG7]

Very true. It is so often that we don't recognize our own traumas, especially as a male. It took therapy to recognize mine.

[@mistful8719]

me too oh fuck, soon's I read other survivors, I was like fuuck. I wasn't just the only one havin nightmares regularly for months, and I wasn't the only one on and on as I could go on but I can't cuz I'm boutta go to sleep.

[@Halopend]

Not the first time I hope.

[@GregoryIsom]

Being cut is traumatizing

[@nookdew]

I'm a cis man and I had to go through the very awkward experience of reporting to my company that a female coworker had made inappropiate sexual advances. I was met with the response too, that I'm physically stronger than her so it shouldn't be a problem. But my reply was "Are you saying a should have hit her?" Like they don't understand that being physically stronger doesn't mean anything in that context. I don't have anyway to defend myself besides avoiding and telling other people in hopes of getting support. Which can be hard because most people will down-play men reporting sexual harassment.

[@DkKombo]

Pffft they want you to be a man but ignore everything about you being a man. They want you to be a tyrant without wanting a tyrant. It was the same at my job where I was assaulted by a woman and people kept putting in details that were simply not true and will not ever acknowledge. In the end I'm filled with hate and don't care but at the same time care too much. They dotn care, they'll never really care, I don't really belong no matter what I do and I'll hate myself forever so let me just commit suicide already.

[@DkKombo]

@Nazli Hamouda idk, probably not

[@DkKombo]

@Nazli Hamouda wouldn't have the money for it anyway.

[@DkKombo]

@Nazli Hamouda no US

[@jenwendy7]

omg I'm so sorry. I'm still glad you reported her. ❤

[@Calpsotoma]

"The medium of the play is perfect for this work because it has no cuts" *makes entire video without a single cut*

[@socialistether6788]

Absolutely and that panning shot with the long silence was very cool. Very intelligent use of silence.

[@zaighnut]

@@socialistether6788 silence in sound editing is underrated. I loved it

[@helvete_ingres4717]

Nothing gets past you, does it

[@Calpsotoma]

@@helvete_ingres4717 sorry, I'm probably stating the obvious

[@anmolt3840051]

@@socialistether6788 **madlad**

[@superdimentiobrolyX]

Theres a quote on trauma i really resonate with personally, i cant remember where i heard it. "What happened when it was over? Maddeningly, the sun continued to rise each morning"

[@elliotmurphy534]

I've been going crazy trying to find this quote for about an hour now and nothing genuinely the closest I could find online was getting linked back to this video because of the comment. So if i use it I'll quote you haha thanks x

[@indrinita]

"in many ways, I'm not the man I was" - indeed

[@unknownentity7964]

The part when they said 'and I realised wow, I look a lot like my dad'. Urgh that trans feel, my heart broke for Abi retrospectively. I've struggled so much with seeing my older siblings/parent of my birth assigned gender, god I love them of course but it hurts a ridiculous amount when all I can see in them is my future and the hatred of myself being that gender forever. It's awful to basically have future vision of what I will look like unless I can transition. Unfortunately I can't bc medical reasons. I've got a delightful terminal illness on top of all that (like a few years outlook not like dying in a few months) which adds to the agony of seeing myself in my older sibling which I know I'll never make it to that age. Sorry that got off topic but I do now wonder if Abi was feeling similarly with that line. The trans stuff, not terminally ill lol

[@bruhfvdf3145]

@@unknownentity79643 years. Still kicking?

[@unknownentity7964]

@@bruhfvdf3145 you have no clue how much your comment has affected me! First off - I'm still alive! Heck yeah! I'm on a ventilator 24/7, a ton of my body's systems have shut down and I need a ton of medical intervention to stay alive, but I am alive! Unfortunately transition wise, I'm still in the same place I was 3 years ago, if not actually set back a bit. Due to my deteriorating muscles, I need 24/7 care and I'm stuck in a caregiving situation where my caregivers reject any form of LGBT+ identity, so as in 100% reliant on them to get dressed, do my hair, express outwards self, I'm trapped appearing in ways that they decide is 'appropriate' (I.e. Dressing and looking like a very stereotypical cliché version of my birth gender..). Let alone be called by the correct pronouns etc... (TW suicide mentions later in this paragraph) But you 'checking in' on me has meant so much. Even if you're just a stranger who stumbled across this thread and asked if I'm still around, it still has touched me that someone cares if I'm alive or not. I've bed 'sick'/disabled for a long time (my whole life really) but as my condition progressed, I lost more and more of my outside connections, things like friends and even family. People don't know how to act around someone dying like me, and so they don't even try. I was thinking recently about how truly no one gives a damn about if I'm still alive or not or would notice f I was dead. Suicide is something I think about a lot but ironically I'm now too disabled to have any ways to commit suicide myself. I have heavy medications I'm on like morphine and benzos but I can't put them down my IV line without a nurse etc, I don't have enough hand function /muscle to even push a syringe lol Maybe it's stupid for me to care so much, but I dunno, you asking if I'm still alive has emotionally affected me a lot (in a positive way), so thank you. I'm sorry if this reply is way too heavy and weird, I truly apologise if so

[@bruhfvdf3145]

@@unknownentity7964 no problem. I wish you all the best

[@SheliakDragon]

"My suicide attempt wasn't really serious, I wasn't even injured" Thank you for pointing out how this line of thinking only hurts yourself more.

[@georgeezra1225]

This hit me hard...it’s exactly how i view my own attempt because I panicked and told someone about it before I tried it and was thus stopped. It’s really brought some perspective and yet I still can’t see it as legitimate. Strange how irrational we can be in the face of rationality

[@Xanthelei]

This. My best friend never let me get away with thinking my sitting on my bed with a knife trying to work up the courage to use it wasn't a suicide attempt 'because I never hurt myself' and that saved my life. Suicide attempts don't just 'count' if you were hurt physically.

[@EyeLean5280]

Yes. It's strange how people want to dismiss that sort of reality.

[@TheFootballstar5588]

Xanthelei this is so huge. I’ve never understood it like this. When I stared down the barrel of an unloaded shotgun wondering if I should do it. Wondering if I should go out like Kurt did or if I even had the balls to do it. Before this I would never have counted it as a suicide attempt, but I really should I believe.

[@Anyontm]

You know, it's funny - it's been a long time since I tried to slit my throat but there's still a voice in my mind that says "It wasn't a serious attempt - you didn't even need to go to the hospital. Just a few bandaids and some bloody sheets." It seems even with suicide, no matter, how far you go, it's never good enough sometimes, lol.

[@bellafiga5999]

That list of all the excuses why the abuse wasn’t actually abuse hit home hard

[@JeniJustJeni]

Same

[@stevencleere4912]

Absolutely 100% Also the part about Aristotle and what having "too much compassion" can mean

[@salsamonkey65]

Same. I hate to see other people go through it but it's reassuring to know there are others that understand

[@bugguyonline]

same

[@jackiepatel4799]

Oh my God. I never realized it until this

[@thetyrant764]

"That's just a joke for my trans audience" and a wink lmao watching this after her coming out video is awesome

[@funkyfinn1]

Omg YES she seemed so happy doing that!

[@kihicks4400]

I noticed that to! When she came out I was worried she might get ride if her other videos and I had to download them. But I’m SO HAPPY she isn’t and we might be able to find “easter eggs” in the too like the wink in this one. ❤️🏳️‍🌈

[@fatima-zahralachguer881]

I knowwwwww I loved it now I’m rewatching all her past videos and smiling every time I see a little hint Hahahahahahah

[@EmperorDodd]

As a newcomer to this channel, this is actually the only video of hers I saw _before_ the coming out video. I appreciated that part too, though in a different way at the time, since I saw "A Trans Coming Out Story" on the recommended-video sidebar, but didn't know exactly what it was about yet (I had to watch it to confirm that it was HER coming out story, not a signal boost of someone else's)

[@gabriellebueche3643]

it felt like when a singer hits a high note perfectly

[@TheDefterus]

"Wow. I look a lot like my dad." seems a lot more intense to experience with recent context

[@rini9325]

What does that mean ,can you explain?

[@TheDefterus]

@@rini9325 check out her newer videos, that should make it clear

[@tophu7903]

@@rini9325a trans woman starting at their reflection in a tv and thinking they look like their dad would obviously be pretty distressing

[@AnthonyAvon]

"When I told her something she'd done had hurt me, she would explain why she was right instead of apologizing..." Bro...

[@StudioSappy]

big relate

[@BisexualWrath]

Didnt realise this was abuse until I was out... I'm.still scared of her

[@justjukka]

I had a friend who pulled that one. Several, actually. They never hit me, but they'd gaslight me into irrational behavior, making me fear isolation if I broke things off with them. I went through this sort of toxicity with no fewer than three different people, and I didn't recognize it for what it was until I was talking to another friend who'd told others, "Expect better." This friend patiently listened as I went through everything that had transpired between me and our mutual friend, and when I finished, opening the floor for comment, the reply was, "Well, I have to believe he can be better."

[@sycastells1212]

BRO.

[@juju-been]

My mom does this. Now she wonders why I don’t tell her anything anymore.

[@ravnaroks6469]

Olly. I am about to leave my abuser. You have no idea what this video did for me. Thank you.

[@seanegan8150]

Remember you're stronger than you think you are and that you're a beautiful person no matter what anyone says. 💓

[@DarkRelm22]

You can do it, and we’re all here for you!

[@odoloid]

You can do this! It will be difficult, but you're not alone. I have faith in you!

[@Wesker10000]

I believe in you. You do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Even though I've never met you and I have no idea who you are, you are valuable, no matter what happens.

[@JJ-hu4cm]

I hope that things get better for you and you shine brighter every day you spend without your abuser

[@tekohaatawhai3697]

The "pretending to be asleep" one hit me the most, I did it for my stepdad when I was a child and my gf when I got older because both were abusive to me.

[@poulpegirl8576]

I hope you're well now

[@TrueAlpha100]

It’s crazy how a goodnight kiss can feel like the most terrifying moment of your day. A gesture that is thought of as a act of gentleness or care can feel insincere, dishonest and violating.

[@aloeburn7825]

THE THING ABOUT FEELING LIKE SHREK IS THE MOST BLATANT EGG STATEMENT ABIGAIL HAS EVER PUT TO VIDEO

[@1a2b3c4d_]

We stan a Shrek girl ✨

[@Karishma_Unspecified]

unironic question: what is an "egg statement"?

[@aloeburn7825]

@@Karishma_Unspecified an "egg" is a trans person before realizing they are trans. An egg statement would be a statement an egg would make. :)

[@be4ns]

I cried when I heard that a year ago because I felt it so much, and a few days ago I started hormones

[@sleatersan]

@@be4ns Congratulations on starting hormones!

[@Ymirec]

Something powerful I heard while I was deep in depression: we only accept the love we think we deserve.

[@elvellarambles9151]

Well. That's a gut punch for me.

[@ecanderson24]

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

[@Lasstpak]

Wow. Couldn't be explained better

[@IamMissPronounced]

Perks pulled me out of a really deep depression as a teen. Bless that quote

[@uriel.of.denial]

Not going to lie that's really true

[@DGarrettR]

“I made an appointment to see a therapist about my abandonment issues. She didn’t show up” is now my favorite not Mitch Hedberg joke

[@TheKarret]

That was a pretty great moment. X'D

[@TreeHairedGingerAle]

😂 Goddamn I miss Mitch, and you're *right*! That joke is 💯% one he'd have LOVED! 😂

[@RobMacKendrick]

I'd say it is a Mitch. He just hadn't thought of it yet.

[@worthasandwich]

It is also the single best bit of Grant Morison's Superman.

[@LipSyncLover]

but it sounds very much like something Hedberg would have said.

[@meepcheese537]

Along with 9:03, I feel like when she described her feeling “big”, “oafish”, and like “shrek”, along with the trauma, it could also point to gender dysphoria in a way. I’m not trans in any way, but it was just something I’ve noticed. anyways glad that she’s happier now.

[@deathgobbler4774]

yeah also she blinked and said "this is a joke for my trans audience"

[@fabledredeyes]

Yeah, the shrek line hits different now. The whole video hits different with the new context, really.

[@houseplant8540]

I definitely feel that was a trans girl

[@AlbertBalbastreMorte]

I'm under the feeling many cis men feel that way.

[@meepcheese537]

@@AlbertBalbastreMorte well I mean I’m not the expert on trans-fems bc I’m not one, but it was just my interpretation, but I could be completely wrong.

[@1a2b3c4d_]

Someone needs to consensually give this poor woman a hug. She’s been through too much shit. I hope you’re going better now Abigail. I love your channel.

[@neo-filthyfrank1347]

Nah most of the people who complain about abuse are completely oversensitive and ill-equipped to deal with anything in the world.

[@patchiezero]

@@neo-filthyfrank1347 lrg lighting image

[@anapaulamendozadiaz8890]

@@neo-filthyfrank1347 That is something an abuser would say :v

[@neo-filthyfrank1347]

@@anapaulamendozadiaz8890 Victim mentality creates its own form.

[@dirtybombshelter]

@@neo-filthyfrank1347 As your lawyer I would like to encourage you to keep posting these things in public forums. It will do wonders for your defense.

[@ShineOn132]

“Shrek has friends. People liked shrek” literally new life motto wow

[@manacondamuffmangler4232]

At first Shrek pushed Donkey away. You need to open yourself up. The Shrek analogy hits me so deep I'm about to paint myself green

[@catarinalopes7891]

FOR REAL THO

[@hasan7275]

Natalie Rodriguez yeah what’s truly beautiful is that’s the message of the film

[@newtclovers]

That shit hit me hard because someone once said I looked like human shrek lmao

[@bravetherainbow]

It's funny because that reminds me a lot of "Cake! Everybody likes cake. Cake has layers!"

[@chiyuki6095]

"Of cis men in particular who are often encouraged to be independent and strong becoming dependant on their female partners when all they really need is friends or a therapist" Say it louder for the people in the back!

[@aumarie3388]

Same for trans men too

[@richardnipples7574]

big sigh

[@spinosauryx1915]

@@aumarie3388 oh, definetly

[@anothervocalist1944]

@@aumarie3388 Eh, I'd argue with trans men there's less of a problem with society pressuring them into a certain form of masculinity and more outright denial of their gender identity in and of itself.

[@aumarie3388]

Another Vocalist That’s possible because not a lot of people take their identity srsly. But they’re still men nonetheless.

[@abyss1996]

The part where Abigail said, “A lot of people can probably relate to what Fanon was talking about” hit differently now that she came out as trans. It feels weird to realize that she now has a bunch of parts in her videos where she talks about trans people in third person, like she isn’t one of them.

[@dougthedonkey1805]

And when she uses “us” to refer to cis men

[@daryl9915]

I've seen quite a lot of discussion about how those things can be reactions to gender dysphoria - in the later stages just before the egg's about to crack, a lot of trans people (but obviously not all) may double down with one last try at fitting the gender role that matches their birth assignment

[@oogleboogle8160]

At the time, she wasn't. This was way before she even realized, so of course Abby wouldn't?

[@TheOdeszy]

@@oogleboogle8160 I’m pretty sure she had already began her transition at this point

[@EveReyasMHM]

He is a man

[@Livi_Noelle]

"I told her about something she had done that hurt me and she would explain how I was wrong and she was right." Holy fuck! I've never heard anyone else who has so eloquently said this. This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years. Between the psychological terrorism, the emotional abuse and sexual abuse, my life was worthless. I still very much deal with feelings of inadequacy that my wife taught me that I had. I left her over three years ago and started my transition two years ago. We have two kids together so I can't completely get her out of my life yet and she *still* tries to manipulate, control and abuse me. When I look back on it, I wish that she would have just beat me. At least those physical scars would have healed. She left me with emotional scars that may never heal. I love you, Abby. I'm glad that you're still alive and you have transitioned. I hope you fully heal some day.

[@Livi_Noelle]

Abby, you told my own story to me. Do all of us trans ladies live through this? Do we all attract selfish sociopaths? Like it wasn't just my ex wife, but basically every woman I have been intimate with has somehow kicked the shit out of me emotionally. Hugs, gorge. Hugs for fucking days. Love and light, sister.

[@Livi_Noelle]

I had to face my abuser/ex wife in court yesterday. Just hearing her walk into the courtroom and seeing her in person brought me so much fear that I actually began to shake. Tears silently rolled down my face. I spent the rest of the day looking over my shoulder making sure that I wasn't being followed by her. We got married when I was still living as a cis-het man. Goddammit, I'm glad that's all behind me now.

[@brmbkl]

" This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years." Cis man here, happened to me as well. Some are capable of this gaslighting while accusing you of gaslighting, as in "it's all about you, but what about..." essentially seeing feedback on your emotional state as weaponizing emotions. even writing this anonymously on the internet gives me jitters, because (similar to the experience of a commenter above) as a man, you're expected to be able to deal with that sort of thing, whether it's mental, verbal, or (in his case) sexual.

[@Livi_Noelle]

@@jamaljohnson6411 lol, even as a woman, I'm still more man than you can ever even imagine of being.

[@darbylynch9391]

thank you for sharing your story, i hope things get better for you. best of luck

[@mrbester2116]

Can we just appreciate the genius of successfully filming this in one shot, true to the One-Act structure of 'No Exit'?

[@BBQ_Ch1cken]

Oh my god I didn’t even think of that. What a legend

[@soulmechanics7946]

I will up the ante and deeply appreciate you having spotted it. And yes, it is exceptionally difficult a thing to do even with unscripted videos that do not require perfection. I have pulled it off maybe twice. When they are scripted and you must refilm them repeatedly because you lose it two sentences from the finishing of a forty minute clip.. that day makes for a terrible week. At the very least you can count on me to be extremely appreciative of every move this man makes.

[@soulmechanics7946]

To be clear, wherever I say that I had been so determined in the case of such videos because I was honor bound to a strict one-shot policy what I mean is that I am still very new to all of this and at the time I had not realized that I could edit videos.

[@elliest55]

On a slightly unrelated note, I thought I was having a stroke when he said the play is called "No Exit" cause I know it as "Behind Closed Doors" but I couldn't remember that either for a moment there, so I was like "no, I know this is not the right title, but what IS the right title, what is happening right now, is this real life" etc. The French title "Huis clos" is legalese, the English equivalent of which is "In camera", but "Behind closed doors" is an accurate colloquial translation. I'd never heard of it as "No Exit" before (though apparently all three alternatives have been used at one time or another)!

[@chayceross8531]

Also the camera is mirrored

[@mothtolias]

"trauma isn’t always like a lightning bolt where you know that you’ve been hit. sometimes trauma is like poison that someone slips into your food in little doses and you sit down every night and you eat that poison and you don’t realise it’s building up inside you, until suddenly you stop functioning."

[@joannamyers1268]

That really hit home for me too.

[@DeDerpyDerp_]

Yep.

[@robinsonkaspar3395]

Marriage #1. Long gone but not forgotten

[@schmittywerbenjagermanjens2649]

I was reading this comment right when that part came up

[@patrickulano3484]

This video meant a lot to me. You are a beautiful human being. Thank you for surviving and sharing.

[@NinjaDoilyn]

"Sooner or later you're going to finish Attack on Titan season 3, and you're gonna look at your reflection in the laptop screen and think, 'Wow, I look a lot like my Dad.'" I have never been so offended by something so completely true.

[@richardthemagician8991]

Wow. I was actually triggered. I didn't expect this to be about trauma from the male (as presented) perspective. I remember one night my ex wife and I went to a bar with friends. End if the night, she gets drunk and punches me in the face in the parking lot. I looked up and so my friends watching. They were in shock. Then they turned around, pretending they didn't see it. They were trying to protect my "pride." If I hit her, they would have been all over me. But I'm a man. And "it's okay to hit men." Right?

[@poulpegirl8576]

I hope you're fine now

[@radschele1815]

No, it wouldn't be fine. But if I were your friend, I would have been overwhelmed with the situation. I would have tried to talk to you afterwards, as I wouldn't know how to deal with it in that situation. What would have been your wish your friends should have acted like? Your abuse may not be reversible, but maybe you can help me to act better? If you want to.

[@richardthemagician8991]

@@radschele1815 Good on you for wanting to be a better friend. Before I answer, a word of caution. Anything I say is specifically about me, what I believe I needed in that moment and how I would handle now. What I need or what I would do may not be what YOUR friends need. As long as that is clear. Honestly, what you said would be perfect. My friends didn't talk to me about it afterwards. They pretended to didn't happen. Chalk that up to toxic masculinity. I wouldn't blame you for freezing in that moment. Talking to me afterwards, LISTENING, would have helped a great deal. I believe the best thing you can do when you have friend who is being abused is to show them what true love and friendship looks like. You can do this by simply being a good friend who is willing to listen and be there when they hit bottom. Even though many friends and family told me she was toxic and I need out, I wasn't resdy to listen. It's a different situation when a man is the victim of a woman. I, myself, had to get over my own toxic masculinity and realize that this was not normal or okay. I eventually cam around because of my mother. Without judgment and without giving her own opinions, she made one powerful statement, "If you are okay with this being your life for another 30 to 40 years, then stay with her. If not, then you have a choice to make." Her statement reminded me that I not only have the power to leave the situation, but that I also had the support to endure the fallout. Which made leaving less scary. Now, as to whether or not my friends should have taken action, I don't know. I don't think it would have ended well if they did. Abusers have a way of brainwashing their victims. Even if we know our friends are right, comma our abusive partners are so inside of our heads, that we would defend them to the bitter end. So it's probably better that they didn't intervene. But I would have liked it if they followed up. I try to give you a very thorough answer because I believe this is a very delicate matter. It's different for everyone in every situation. Thank you for choosing to be a good friend.

[@j3891]

@@richardthemagician8991 I know it wasnt directed to me, but I really appreciated the answer. thank you for sharing your experience so more people are aware of how toxic masculinity affects these already-complex issues. I hope you find peace, if you haven't already.

[@Jeremy-se1kp]

@@richardthemagician8991 Hey, I'm not the person who you responded to, but that's a really, really good response. Thank you for taking your time to write that out, it's genuinely really good thought food and I... feel better? enriched? for having read it. Thank you, and I hope you're doing well now with friends who truly care about you. P.s. I don't know how to express this in professional or normal lingo, but, for lack of a better word, you are so based. Like, that entire reply and the way you spoke just hit home and REALLY mattered. Thank you for that, absolute mad lad

[@disasterjones5798]

*Oliver:* [painful diatribe with a truckload of self hate on the side] *Me, relating to a startling degree:* [about to burst into tears] *Oliver:* And she said, [cheerful Australian accent] "Do you think that's a bit harsh?" *Me:* [crying laughing]

[@BaldingClamydia]

I love you!

[@DanielVargas-yx8ff]

Lauging in crying

[@deadrunable]

OMG yeah me too.

[@scottcomber]

Accurate.

[@KTRox00]

Remember kids, drink water after sobbing your eyes out

[@marcat3900]

That was one of the best things one of my friends told me when I would call crying they actually cared about my well-being and it ment so much!

[@taddygirl11]

aw

[@persephone3870]

thank you

[@redbeforedawn4170]

yup! as someone who’s gotten dehydration headaches from crying too much, PLEASE drink water after crying. it also is soothing to your brain (i don’t remember why).

[@authenticbaguette6673]

Logan Lyric such a curious way to dehydrate yourself ..

[@Cheesesticks-1]

Holy shit. Just I came out as trans about two months ago. I found your channel a week ago. You really do so fucking accurately tell me my own thoughts and feelings better than I can understand them or explain them. So very many similar life experiences and thoughts. I don't have any trans people in my life, or anyone who I know who understands what I feel and it just makes me so happy to know I'm really not alone.

[@EveReyasMHM]

And you're a boy

[@erick1369]

Same, girl, same..

[@LuzPanorama16]

You'll never truly be alone 🫶

[@alwaystired1]

[@BardianAngel]

That comment about smashing the Ikea wardrobe being masculine always struck me as odd. Like, why note that of all things? In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense.

[@megakirbyx]

1:41 "Part of the awful tension is that there's no cuts" Oh, this video's gonna be one take, isn't it?

[@52flyingbicycles]

megakirbyx it took me about 15 minutes to realize he was going to do it in one take.

[@cryofpaine]

That slow turn was worse than every horror movie put together. Talk about tension.

[@DewMan001]

Yeah the moment he started talking about No Exit and how there were no cuts on stage I was thinking "wait thats gonna be the theme, isn't it? He's gonna try and make this video be like No Exit, isn't he?"

[@arionerron4273]

I was right now old when I figured it out

[@Amazatastic]

Yes bc he couldn't just wrote some ideas down OR make art he had to do both like a knob

[@FishMr3]

>not gonna use any identifying details >instantly names Jean Paul Satre Wtf Ollie

[@lunardogs2416]

Famous KZbinr Oliver Thorn(e?) Doxxes Obscure Philosopher

[@nilsonrodriguez7135]

Lunar Dogs I’m sorry did you call jean Paul Sartre an obscure philosopher.

[@dustmite5887]

@@nilsonrodriguez7135 wooooooooooooosh

[@kevindonohue2912]

Only the living require protection, the dead are beyond the reach of worldly harm...

[@moscanaveia]

Outing the Sartre!

[@tedtyro2961]

16yrs with my ex. I'm male, bigger, stronger etc but I had the emotional vulnerability to be hooked in. Physical, emotional, psychological abuse and plenty more. 16yrs. I can't ever quantify what this costed me and what I lost. Thanks. I've seen plenty of abuse videos but this is by far the most real about my own experience. It matters.

[@panadocoughsyrup]

Man to man, I hope you are doing well, friend ❤

[@diamondust2054]

26:25 “in many ways i’m not the man i was” hits different now

[@Draggynali]

"i broke up with my girlfriend and then suddenly i could create again" absolutely knocked me out. i know exactly what you mean. i was anorexic, i broke up with my partner and then suddenly i could eat again. i could make art again. i could feel emotion again. thank you so very much for this video

[@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa]

Damn I wish my eating disorder was like that. It took tons of medication to be able to not starve myself

[@Draggynali]

so i'm basically bernadetta yeah i needed (and honestly still need) a ton of time and therapy to recover from my ED. ending my relationship was just the thing that suddenly took recovery from being utterly unfathomable to being something i could start working towards. hope you’re doing better lately too, EDs are horrible things to experience

[@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa]

@@Draggynali right back at you man, cheers to a better future for both of us 🤙

[@Im0nJupiter]

After my relationship, I went from a 3.2 in college, to a 4.0. I realized I want to be a doctor (instead of a pharmacist or SLP). I want to fight, I'm tired of complacency, and I had been in that rut for a long time when I was using all my resources to make someone else happy.

[@rosegarden69]

You are so perfect, I hope that your doing better now.

[@KarakuriVideo]

I'm a woman who was abused by a woman. a cuter, younger, smaller woman who wore pink and glitter and fuzzy things. a woman with a considerable following for her cute art. no-one believed how bad the situation could be. your video and your story describe my emotions and the aftermath I will deal with for years to come perfectly. I didn't think I was getting abused, I just wasn't allowed to contact my friends, talk to anyone without her supervision, go anywhere without her, exercise, etc. my mental illness existing was violence towards her. I now have a girlfriend who knows everything and understands. I am more than lucky to have met her, not everyone would take it so cool. what hurts the most are the people who don't understand how deeply this can affect ones life. quite permanently. I feel better hearing other peoples feelings and thoughts and experiences, it makes me feel less alone.

[@violante5247]

Kuekuekuri I can absolutely emphatize with you. I've been in a similar relationship when I was only 14, she was older. It was a long distance relationship that lasted 2 years and even now, 6 years later, it's hard to convince myself I let her abuse me. But I know it happened and I recognize my streght, so I applaud you because you got out of it as well. (pardon my English, it's not my native language)

[@iplayeddishonored2475]

Kuekuekuri much like you I went through a situation rather similar, she would tell people she was a fragile, sensitive former abuse victim and while those could’ve been true (no one could ever verify those claims) she would undermine me, insult my appearance and stick her talons into my fears and worries until she had all the fun she could and left me for someone she had been cheating on me with, now granted, she was also cheating on him with a third party so I suppose there’s some natural spiteful silver lining there, though still. Abusers can be anyone

[@missdreavus649]

Holy shit, minus the big following, your abuser sounds identical to mine. She constantly pressured me into being the “stone butch” she wanted, and made me feel like I was abusive for not doing that and not being dominant and for not just “leaving” my emotionally abusive parents. It’s wild how abusers will turn the symptoms of their abuse into “abuse” against them. Make you doubt your own pain. Make you feel *guilty* for having psychological and physical symptoms of what they did to you.

[@juno6624]

Kuekuekuri holy shit i had the same thing. My gf pressured me into identifying as lesbian even though i wanted to remain true to my identiy as pansexual even if i was in a wlw relationship. She also isolated me from my friends, demanded constant attention and always wanted me to be a hard butch, which i wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t want to tell anyone how bad it partially got bc i felt it would be traitorous in some way. She ended it about a month ago because i was at an event and couldn’t call her when she wanted to talk. i’m so glad yall got out

[@marcat3900]

Me too ! I need to write my story but type ing 😂

[@nobo764]

i grew up in an abusive family. my father was horrible. and i knew it.i knew it wasnt normal. i was ashamed of it. i could not tell any kids my age.(and only can i speak of it ,now) i did tell a teacher when she asked why i had a black eye. she told me i was lying.she said she knew my father and didnt believe me. a few months later , i came home from school and the house looked like someone broke in , and furniture turned over.ect. my mother was gone. i never saw her again. my father became more abusive.and he found a playgirl magazine in my bedroom.and he beat me ,like never before, saying i was not his son. i was 16 years old. i slept the first night on the street behind a shop dumpster. a gym teacher came looking for me. its a small town and everyone knew. months later i had tried to kill myself. i got theropy , i finished school and went to uni and study all i could. im lucky . i didnt grow up bitter. i married a man that is my soulmate. and im happy. so anyone who is going through hell. dont stop now. keep going forward.until you are OUT of it. much love to you.

[@innocuoushappenstance6259]

I'm so glad that you made it out of that terrible place and are happy now, and thx for your kind words🤍

[@izellets7361]

9:03 Autoandrophyllic. It was funny then. It is hilarious now. And, well, Abigail was probably questioning at the time, so the irony is not lost on her :-')

[@chairmananarchyhasnogods1218]

"If I had trauma I would know about it" - probably never said by anyone without trauma

[@luvBREASTICLES]

ME: *enters chat* Hi :D

[@chairmananarchyhasnogods1218]

@@luvBREASTICLES hello me, how are you doing

[@deanst98]

Literally just discovered my trauma a few days ago with a counsellor and my reaction was the pikachu shocked face

[@chairmananarchyhasnogods1218]

@@deanst98 Congrats on figuring it out, I hope you continue working through it

[@adrienneczerni6516]

Hahahaha it's me

[@alicekravets8584]

The sudden transition into the Jordan Peterson accent had me wheezing

[@adampickard9880]

That distant laughter made it

[@artyedmond8972]

I was listening to it in the background while cleaning up at work, and I thought it was a Jordan Peterson cameo lol

[@DarkMoonDroid]

Skeeeered me! LOL

[@curioussoul6059]

Wait... he wasn't doing kermit the frog? :O

[@terryjackson8773]

I had no idea that I had been abused for YEARS until I studied to become a relationship counsellor. He never physically abused me but the emotional and mental abuse was constant. I divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 3 years of trying to reconcile. The only wonderful thing to come out of it was my 3 (now adult) kids with whom he has absolutely NO relationship. I have no real lasting effects from it as I never blamed myself for his abuse but I am glad I am now with a wonderful man who not only loves me (for the past 20 years) but loves my kids as well, and I love his as though they were mine. Life is good. 😊

[@sethharris813]

As a male presenting person who has lived through sexual, verbal, and physical abuse I cannot express how grateful I am for this video. Abigail, you're really helping me work through a lot of issues (alongside therapy and medication.) I really identify with comedy as a coping mechanism. When you described the therapist not showing and the breakup alongside abandonment issues while still seeing it as objectively funny hit me right in the gut. Keep up the magnificent work. Forgive an American for very improper emotional showing but love and support to you from across the pond.

[@GM_MorganV]

This gave the courage to finally block my abusive ex. Thank you.

[@MrMatheuslego]

Hell yeah, friend !

[@nomnom2969]

Good for you! 😊👍 Hope you'll recover well from the abuse

[@thefamouscommenter]

So proud of you!

[@AvalonisHere]

[@Jess-ds1dw]

Fuck yes!!! I'm so proud of you!

[@ameliaeve2578]

I like how this video is purposefully shot in one long take in an enclosed space, just like the play No Exit.

[@RoamingAdhocrat]

bloody hell you're right

[@DarynLuna]

in which my favorite scene in which Garcon deserves to be in hell and really is a coward.

[@elizabethquigg9113]

But there are mirrors, right?

[@mathieuleader8601]

Claustrophobic

[@jarrakul]

I caught that too. It's fantastic.

[@williamharrison7452]

Abigail, as a therapist who deals with abuse on the regular, I want to offer my compassion for what you've gone through as well as respect for the way you've absolutely nailed what abuse IS and how therapy works to help people manage it. Many thanks.

[@NotBamOrBing]

"[they] hit me once, *once*" resonates with me every time i watch this. Sure it was 'only' once, but you're never going to forget that once as long as you live. And you're not going to forgot that it was only once and use that against yourself to minimise it sometimes Or to quote Abigail herself, I understand how you feel

[@mikeciul8599]

The last time my partner hit me, it didn't hurt at all, physically. I called the cops mainly to get a record of what was going on, because I was getting ready to file for divorce. It wasn't until much later that I remembered it wasn't the only time! That first time, back when I was still trying to "save" the relationship, she punched me in the mouth while wearing a gardening glove, leaving an open wound that scabbed over. At the time, it didn't even register. I was too deep in the belief that it was normal, that I deserved it. Anyway, I'd been doing worse to myself for years. Later she bragged about "sucker-punching" me. Even then I thought more about what kind of punch it was than about how I felt. And comparing. Our neighbor was beaten so badly by her partner that she had to go to the hospital. I told myself that my situation didn't matter because it wasn't the same thing at all. I told myself it was different because the power dynamic was reversed. I told myself I was lucky that wasn't happening to me. I was saying to myself "I am invincible. I am a strong man. A woman can't hurt me. I am dangerous and threatening. I don't have to worry about being hurt, only about hurting others." I am learning to let go of the lies...

[@EveReyasMHM]

Himself*

[@NotBamOrBing]

@@EveReyasMHM idek what you're even trying to accomplish here

[@EveReyasMHM]

@@NotBamOrBing Just correcting you

[@NotBamOrBing]

@@EveReyasMHM nothing at all, got it

[@Inali097]

“I’m not a punching bag.” “What if what I need is a punching bag?” That was the moment I should’ve realized.

[@ScorpionViper1001]

That sounds just awful. I hope you got away from them.

[@helloofthebeach]

I've learned not to like the word "should". You _did_ realize and that's what's important.

[@rusted_ursa]

"Then buy yourself a gym membership and get out of my life." Vicarious cathartic snarking aside, I am so sorry you went through that shit. I hope you're safe from them now.

[@jackriver8385]

@@helloofthebeach abusers also make it very difficult to realize, so it's never, ever your fault when you didn't realize sooner. "I should have realized" is a very sneaky way of blaming yourself for things others did to you.

[@bluekirby5112]

Translation: what or whoever you are, I NEED to punch you

[@whatever9097]

“People liked Shrek” is my new motto whenever I’m having body issues

[@staceyann1180]

People LOVE Shrek! We still do!

[@Desimcd]

Exactly, we love Shrek!

[@atinaburger9974]

I 💗 Shrek

[@LukeTEvans]

i got body issues, im developing a beer belly. but it is the honourable way

[@cheesecakelasagna]

@@LukeTEvans tangent here but who's that on your pfp?

[@PNW_Marxist]

Your impersonation of Jordan Peterson is spot on. Congrats on coming out, Abs! :) :)

[@amassivespacedwarf2221]

Remember also that a relationship that builds you up doesn't have to be romantic. I have a wonderful friend I met about 3 years ago and she's helped me so much with everything and made me a much better person. I had started to have a suicidal ideation and self harm problem a bit before I'd met her and, even though I'd told about it to anyone only last autumn, she sometimes was the thing that kept me alive. Later on she's helped with my image of myself and when I started writing she, among other friends, really supported me in it. I'd say that's a hell of a lot to accomplish in 3 years and I'm grateful I met her

[@jeffjeffjeffjeffjeffjeffje7774]

She sounds like a geeat friend, and I hope you're doing well

[@atlroxmysox98]

Speaking of trauma being hilarious sometimes, one time the Suicide Hotline hung up on me. Literally, I called the suicide hotline, the guy on the other line seemed to be in a bad mood and answered with "what do you want?" and I was having a massive panic attack, as one who calls the suicide hotline sometimes does, and he just sighed and hung. Up. On. Me. Looking back now, that's really fucking funny. But whenever I tell people that story they never laugh! They just look horrified and uncomfortable!

[@TheEmeraldLady]

Wow! That sounds totally absurd. Straight out of a dark comedy! My hilarious moment was with my mom. She was very abusive in many ways, but this time, she was threatening to beat me. I snapped and told her I'd kick and punch her if she touched me. And then she looked at my all HORRIFIED, going "I can't believe you'd beat your own mother!".

[@atlroxmysox98]

@@TheEmeraldLady It's moments like that that I can look back on now and think "this is definitely going in my stand up bit" if i ever do stand up

[@opalescent4694]

That happened to me too, actually. I was crying so hard I couldn't manage to get words out to actually talk to the person and they hung up instead of... Trying to talk to the person who was obviously not feeling or doing OK.

[@atlroxmysox98]

@@opalescent4694 That's so weird. Why would someone like that do that sort of work??

[@opalescent4694]

@@atlroxmysox98 That really is the biggest question. I don't get it either.

[@vannah12222]

No no I'm not being poisoned, they're just helping me build an immunity to poison, right guys?

[@ostsarahb7466]

Sure, it’s to make you strong. At least that’s what they keep saying. Isn’t it? ...

[@Yashodhan1917]

Actually they are poisoning you, but you tell yourself you need to change to be more acceptable and decide for yourself about this immunity.

[@justanotherweirdo11]

I mean poison is how you build an immunity to poison.

[@Yashodhan1917]

@@justanotherweirdo11 I seriously doubt that. You can build tolerance but not immunity.

[@vannah12222]

@@justanotherweirdo11 lol right, which is why I said it. I think the crux is probably that abuse isn't actually poison, so does abuse help you build an immunity to abuse? Maybe. I mean I can certainly hold my own these days when someone is verbally attacking me. However I'm not sure that it builds an immunity towards the original abuser. It seems like it actually weakens your defenses towards them, which is quite different from what happens with poison. Small amounts of one kind of poison help build an immunity towards that specific kind of poison, not every other type of poison.

[@Starletta39]

So, i am in an abusive relationship, and right now, i can't afford to leave her. But. After the most recent round of verbal abuse, and after retreating and licking my wounds for a couple days, feeling like iw as flying off into space, i watched your video on suicide. and then i watched this video. and then i stood up to my abuser. and i wasn't comprehensive, i didn't say everything i needed to say or would have wanted to, but I said a lot of things i needed to and i think i actually got through to her. so i just want to say thank you--i started watching your videos at the beginning of the pandemic and I can't say how much your work has helped me and gotten me through this.

[@j3891]

I am so proud of you.

[@clsisman]

did you get out, pal? ❤

[@Ariel_is_a_dreamer]

"I didn't tell a soul..." *serious silence * "ArIsToTLE"

[@ScorpionViper1001]

*Chuckles* "What is my job?"

[@pudding1255]

THAT KILLED ME she always does this in her serious sad videos

[@ScorpionViper1001]

@@pudding1255 Lots of us depressed and traumatized people like to use humor as a way of coping, especially when in public and addressing strangers, which this basically is even if it's filtered through a screen. Even when we feel like we're drowning and ready to end it all in a very final manner, there are still people, and ways, that we don't like to be public with for various reasons, many misguided but some quite valid. And no matter how sympathetic society can and should be, there's probably no universe where publicly and unreservedly wallowing will become socially acceptable even if you wanted to do that. "You can't spend the rest of your life crying, it annoys people in the movies." - Oscar Madison, "The Odd Couple."

[@pudding1255]

@@ScorpionViper1001 yeah I do it too lol. I had to stop because I was starting to seriously worry my healthy friends-

[@melaniewut]

Cringe

[@sasharemington6025]

I gotta say, the best mechanism I have gotten from this video is that when I go on a terrible rant about how awful a person I am inside my head, I hear a nice Aussie woman's voice saying "Don't you think that's a little harsh?" So thanks for that, it's really useful!

[@enderwiggins8248]

That’s a good takeaway

[@sowatome849]

That's so sweet

[@sasharemington6025]

@PUNMPKIN Perfect. So it shall be. Everyone, take a little time to thank the Charlotte in your head.

[@finley7906]

@@sasharemington6025 hilariously enough, the person who gave me my trauma in the first place is called Charlotte so i shall be naming mine something else lmao. maybe Evie? joking aside this is a very good takeaway and i will definitely be adopting this coping mechanism

[@sasharemington6025]

@@finley7906 How about...Jodie?

[@kevinwhite8534]

Another comparison between you and Shrek: Shrek helped someone stop hating themselves and learn to accept themselves for who they were, and ultimately, helped them be happy

[@ameliahamerlynck8028]

Oh my god crying

[@torylva]

I remember my suicide attempt. It was 28th of june, 2019. I woke up one morning and just couldn't go on. I lacked any motivation or will to continue with my studies at the time. I was unemployed, I couldn't run my pen and paper game with friends. I could not even play without feeling anxious and sick. Even getting dressed was a chore and I had no future. I was 26, never had been with a girl because who would want me, my friends barely ever paid attention to me and I was the one to always call and be denied. My projects was never finished. The worst feeling was not that the world would be better without me. It was that it wouldn't change anything. At the urging of a friend who I called, I contacted the emergency. I had not hurt myself, but I just couldn't stand living like I did and I felt nothing I did ever changed anything. Neither for me, for my friends and family, or the world at large. My life had become the embodiment of Sisyphus. The months passed and medication and therapy helped a lot and I still remember what my therapist said one cold winter morning. "Sisyphus rolled the stone up the mountain and it always rolled down. But it never rolled down the same way and he never pushed it up the same way. We must all push the rock up the mountain and eventually it must roll down, because the mountain is not endless. So why do you push the rock, Tor?" This still resonates with me on a fundamental level. Why do we push the rock? Because our reason and our path is so much more important than our destination.

[@toesucker863]

Incel

[@maleineperle1770]

Wow, thanks for sharing, that's an interesting point I hope you're a lot better now and will keep on feeling happier!

[@poulpegirl8576]

I hope you're all happy and well now

[@psychicbyinternet]

@@toesucker863 ?

[@manwhoismissingtwotoenails4811]

As someone with obsessive compulsive tendencies having thoughts that aren't yours is very relatable.

[@eshachadha4309]

“You’re very good at making people fall in love with you, but you just can’t seem to make them happy” I’m sobbing.

[@kokumalamoi3421]

Same.

[@Jablicek]

It's a truly shitty thing to tell someone.

[@ArtemisMoon90]

Same

[@Donnerbalken28]

I'm good at neither, if that is any use.

[@Jablicek]

@@Donnerbalken28 A wise person on the internet once told me, "Somewhere someone is pleasuring themselves while thinking about you." It's *terrifying*.

[@Nerddough]

The comment your Mom made: “I cant imagine you being scared of anything” brought tears to my eyes. And Im not sure why

[@emmakane6848]

Sometimes when you don't expect that certain people can be suffering in specific ways (for your own mind because you have those issues and you don't want other people that you like to as well or don't want people to live like that at all) it just hits you that anyone can be depressed, be in an abusive relationship, or have trauma/mental health issues in general.

[@magpie405]

Me too...

[@seavpal]

Emma Kane. Yeah it's really unexpected that an obvious narcissist could have self esteem issues, who would have thought? Coincidentally, I'm a Nigerian prince whose assets were impounded by customs. Could you loan me the $10000,- customs fees? I will pay you back a hundredfold. I'm sure your excellent judgement of character will tell you I'm truthful in this and surely not ridiculing you.

[@Odinsday]

@@emmakane6848 None of us are invincible. We're all human. We laugh, cry, bleed and die. Nothing wrong with asking for assistance.

[@serenitygoodwyn]

@@seavpal I'm not sure whether you are saying his mother was a narcissist and that is why she couldn't see it, he is a narcissist and is faking it to get donations or that his ex-partner is a narcissist and they are also the product of abuse so we should have sympathy??? If it's the first point, we don't know his mother, so cannot make that judgement, and as an intelligent and highly motivate person he is likely extremely good at hiding his emotions and continuing to function, even from those who know him well. If it's the second point, if you had experienced what he describes and have even a shred of empathy you would realise he is not lying. Is he using a bad situation to his own advantage, possibly, is he doing a lot of good at the same time, definitely. If you are accusing him of being a narcissist I would suggest that you are projecting your own past trauma onto him, he isn't. If it's the third point, yes narcissists are the product of their own abusive upbringing, they are hurt and damaged people too. However, that doesn't negate the pain and suffering they cause to those around them. And as adults they have the option to deal with their problems and don't (maybe they can't), they may have been hurt but they have the choice to deal with that and stop hurting others and they chose differently. So yes they deserve our compassion but from a distance, a very great distance.

[@ericherman5413]

OMG Abigail. You are LITERALLY telling the story of my marriage to my now ex-wife. All those things you listed off were my life. I justified all of it for a decade and I too ended up suicidal. She then told me she didn't know why I couldn't just kill myself and get it over with, that I was useless to anyone including her, that she didn't want to be married anymore--and I let it all go until she took off to meet someone she knew from the internet. My marriage became obviously abusive only once I was out of it. I didn't know other people thought in the same way I did. I felt very alone and often still do. As a transman it can be even more isolating. But I survived it. I got help. I checked myself into a hospital. I sought therapy and went every week for a year. It got better. I pray for you that your life continues to grow better each day, that you have found peace in being who you are, and that those negative voices always get overpowered by love. Best wishes from Michigan, USA. Thank you for your content. Please don't stop.

[@derekconwaygd]

holy hell the wink at 9:10 how did we not s e e

[@1986Tunafish]

well well i'm not the only one searching for clues after the new video, she got me when there was a "spoiler alert" 😂 . It feels like she was training her audience for what will come later

[@miratarnish6316]

I mean, she clarified that she has been writing the coming out video script for over a year. She very well knew we'd be going back for clues, and I absolutely applaud her acting ability. She fooled us ALL

[@mangoface7914]

OHMYGOD

[@Worthless1010]

When you pulled up your Shakespeare book and made your little smirk I was convinced you were about to break into an audible advert.

[@1980rlquinn]

God bless him for not falling into that capitalist "sponsorship" s**thole so many other KZbinrs have gotten sucked into.

[@Teckiels24]

@@1980rlquinn yeah fuck them for wasting 10 seconds of your time so they can put food on their table

[@andydeckard]

@@1980rlquinn How dare they include a small ad at the end of their fantastic and *free* content that as it may get demonetised because it is not made for kids.

[@leavy]

1980rlquinn this is not how to fight capitalism, please stop

[@1980rlquinn]

@@andydeckard Flimsy attempts at shaming individuals rather than addressing the root of the problem with the corporations themselves reeks of Neo Liberalism. I don't blame any KZbinr who gets stuck in that rut, but it makes me sad every time I see it, especially with sponsors like Audible, an Amazon Company (as Audible itself very proudly notes). I don't have to be okay with those chains, and as it seems not to have occurred to you, neither do you.

[@classuscle1605]

I watched this video and a few minutes later, my abusive soon-to-be-ex-wife sent me a message. I read it, thought about it for a second, then blocked her. Then I retweeted your video with my own story, finally telling the world what had happened to me: a decade-long tale of alcoholism, gaslighting and harassment. You're a hero. Thank you so much for everything you do and remember - I understand how you feel.

[@Tijggie82]

Good luck, stay strong and try to be with people you trust as much as possible. Lots of love from an unknown person

[@classuscle1605]

@@Tijggie82 Thank you so much, unknown person. I wish you health and happiness!

[@Quick_and_Dirty]

What's important is you find your center--be that place you want to be. Having been through a divorce with an abusive ex-wife (this video really exposed it all for me), I can tell you that distance is your friend. Good luck. We're all counting on you!

[@shadowboxing7029]

I had this very un-Kiwi impulse to woot (Kiwis do not woot, wooting is a strange concept to us) very loudly when I read your comment. Stoked for you my dude, good luck in your future ventures!

[@JimmyNails27]

I'm proud of you for doing what yoy had to to feel safe. Keep your head up. --someone who's been there

[@StevieLynnWeisend]

I don’t get why people are so crazy about a man who might have existed 2000 years ago and had a few good ideas, when YOU exist right now with with all of your brilliant insights that you convey so effectively, so compassionately, so..I don’t know, I am kind of speechless. You are an amazing human being and I am so much better - as well as those around me - for having found your channel.

[@benhuntsman840]

Abigail calling Harry her friend with such pride was enough to make me cry for the third time. The other two were far too painful ways I relate. Thanks.

[@EveReyasMHM]

His*

[@Iamjustabug]

​​@@EveReyasMHM She's a trans woman. She came out after this video so it's OK to not know but she does use she/her and Abigail now

[@Iamjustabug]

​@@EveReyasMHM Well, I just looked at your comment history. For someone "here to spread positivity" you're incredibly cruel and clearly uneducated on trans and abuse issues. I'm going to assume you're young and will grow to understand the devastating impact of the things you are saying. Let's hope you haven't already cost any people their lives. I won't reply to you further. I'm quite frankly not interested in which particular anti trans arguments you choose to make, they have all been discredited before. If you are uncomfortable with people being happy, that's your issue, not mine. I sincerely hope you outgrow these viewpoints

[@EveReyasMHM]

@@Iamjustabug He* Is a man

[@manwhoismissingtwotoenails4811]

@@EveReyasMHM *was

[@jakeinator21]

"In an abusive relationship, your virtues get turned against you: 'Don't you want to be patient? And forgiving?' 'Isn't it good to listen?' 'Don't you want to provide for your girl?' 'Don't you want to be faithful?' 'If you love someone, you don't give up on them.' In an ordinary relationship, those virtues will shine. With an abuser, you will die waiting for them to be reciprocated." Fucking hell, I'm sobbing. This was my life for 2017/18.

[@UmarWazir]

2016. Bitch of a year.

[@eliallison7125]

@Bumblesnuff buffallobath same here. You deserve better. I'm proud that you didn't have 2019 on that list.

[@BettinaAscaino]

Yeah, that’s why we need to decide what the limit of being “good” is and stick to it to protect ourselves. Even the most admirable virtues become vices past a certain point. Can’t be “too” good. Believing one is a “saint” or TOO open minded, TOO understanding IS exactly what the abuser is counting on. No boundaries is abusers’ heaven.

[@jonr4651]

Same... 08-12, and it took me another 7 years as a recluse before confronting it. I'm glad to have made it here now, anyone who is just now working on recovering, stay strong, there is a 'real you' somewhere inside there.

[@huntermatthews291]

Jake, It’s ok, Biden will make it better

[@Hormiga59]

The change from Superman t-shirt to Clark Kent attire is an amazing detail. What a channel.

[@ScorpionViper1001]

I just realized if Olly had chosen any song other than the ending one, "Superman (It's Not Easy)" would kind of be perfect to use.

[@michaelotis223]

I only noticed that subtle detail on a second viewing

[@bigdaddy5inches601]

he parted his hair the other way too

[@tharunthiruseelan4252]

Smallville tv series?

[@angelinakodjabashia7416]

The video was also mirrored when in the superman t shirt

[@cassif19]

This hits a little different now

[@SirPhatniss]

As somebody that's never been abused, abusive, and has only known a wonderful and happy marriage of almost 10 years, 12:00-18:00 has to be one of the most empathically charged and emotionally provoking monologues I've ever heard. Incredible stuff, Abi. As a brand new fan of the channel, I am going over these older videos with such relief on my heart to know there's a bright, happy girl waiting on the other side of this pain. Keep at it, Abi!

[@combogalis]

"It's really suited to the stage, because it's only one act. It wouldn't really work if it was a film because part of the awful tension is that there's not cuts, no edits . . ." He said, knowing full well he was also describing his own video.

[@juliapiccolomini9482]

combogalis ooof, didn’t catch that myself but you nailed it

[@curlyprivat22]

Quite frankly. This man is the personification of healthy masculinity. I adore his work a lot.

[@WylliamJudd]

And unhealthy masculinity too though. That's such a big part of what happened here. Too much compassion, too much patience, too much altruism; that feeling of strength, and invulnerability, of personal responsibility for everything that happens around us, never the victim; being too aloof to have friends, and too detached to be in touch with his emotional well-being.

[@Nai-qk4vp]

@conan263 ok npc

[@rainbo32]

Where can i find same non-toxic femininity 🤔

[@leolin8956]

@conan263 ok neckbeard

[@avacadocap9591]

@@rainbo32 they're no studies on toxic feminity

[@nos5915]

"my trauma didn't make me stronger, but it sure as hell made me funnier"

[@johnnyscifi]

I went through an awful relationship, but the problem...I'm still to this day, not sure who was the abuser. We both got pretty bad...

[@melaniewut]

You’re more honest than PT

[@yulandermcnealy4237]

@@melaniewut who's pt?

[@melaniewut]

@@yulandermcnealy4237 philosophy tube...

[@maria6451]

@@melaniewut why do u say so. Is it that hard to think the abuse might have gone only one way

[@anima6035]

@@maria6451 agreed, while I think it usually takes two to tango, so to speak, there are definitely situations where the abuse is very much one sided and almost like a predator Vs prey situation.

[@ChanJENI]

"If you have trauma, if you have been abused, I've only got one thing to say to you: I understand how you feel." So, here I sit, almost 5 months after this video was posted, and who knows how long after it was recorded, shaking and crying in my little office at work -- an office I have because of the severe anxiety I feel from having co-workers and superiors approach me from behind in an open office environment -- because I simply did not know how badly I needed to hear those words. From someone. From anyone. Even from some stranger 4600 km away. It's been six and a half years since my abusive relationship ended, and this is the first time that I've heard those words, and I don't have the words of my own to actually express what it means to hear them. Thank you. From the deepest, most central reaches of my self: Thank you.

[@colleen6474]

Yes, every time I watch this video I tear up when I hear Ollie say "I understand how you feel." I suppose I haven't had enough people in my life who do understand, but his experience and the emotions he shows in this video show me that although no one can 100% understand another person's experiences, he understands enough to make me feel not so alone. Also, just so you know another person understands how you feel at least somewhat, I have had severe anxiety about people being behind me since I was 13 (37 now) after an incident with my abusive brother. It can make being around other people practically impossible. I empathize with what you have had to deal with and hope you are able to turn it into something that can help you and others!

[@chrisnelson6663]

All the strength to you. I began to realize in the last two years the abuse I suffered in a relationship I was in over 10 years ago. For so long I thought it was my fault it didn’t work out but have started to come to grips with the deep deep hurt and abuse that was inflicted on me and that spread out on so many aspect of my life - particularly trust. I just watched this for the first time and the capital T truth came flooding at me and for the first time I’ve had to acknowledge the help I need. I hope you have reached a similar place, that we can’t do this on our own. Again - all strength, support, and love your way.

[@autumnsprite]

@________ don't be a troll

[@cryptid6279]

@________ do you need a hug???? who hurt you????

[@MKultra81]

I hope you are doing all right :) Cheers from a random Internet stranger.

[@simonb.5624]

"I have no needs. I'm invincible." Oof. Ow. Felt that one.

[@menameh]

Simon B. Same

[@lubu602]

I felt that in my soul and got transported back in time.

[@AstraIVagabond]

Likewise. As well as 19:02 and 21:10.

[@jupiter3090]

i come for the hysterical tears that the imagery of destroying an IKEA wardrobe gives me, and i stay to contemplate why i never left the abuse, even when i had an exit. i love you and this video, abby. thank you for helping us all to realize what was really going on

[@Sealdrop]

Shrek

[@hq4287]

Shrek... Is Fiona...

[@chimedemon]

I just destroyed your 69 likes, FEAR ME!!!

[@danihk2872]

it wasn’t until 6 minutes in that i realized he was speaking at length, clearly, and emphatically in ONE TAKE. the theater background really shines here because it makes the presentation that much more raw. solid soliloquy

[@SonofSethoitae]

"You're very good at making people fall in love withyou, but you can't seem to make them happy" is such an awful, shitty thing to say to anyone, and it always seems to be said to the people who already have that anxiety about themselves. Bless you Olly

[@dingdongslick9344]

Manipulative people very quickly figure out the buttons to push to get the reaction they desire.

[@cheesecakelasagna]

Learning about intrusive thoughts and how those doesn't necessarily reflect who I actually am really helps me navigate myself better. I remember watching the show "I May Destroy You" and find their way of demonstrating instrusive thoughts very fresh and accurate. It's not the craziest thoughts that hurt the most, it's the little ones that's easily convince you they're yours.

[@Melissa-zh3zl]

The bit around 12 minutes in when she’s talking about being unwanted and pointless and invisible and useless . . . that feels like the sum total of my existence most of the time. As horrible as it makes me feel to think about, and to think about another person going through, there is a comfort in the idea that someone out there understands

[@Niriixa]

Oh boy. That moment "And I said it came from... uhm... about. About two thirds of the way through the play, Garcin has an opportunity to leave hell, but he doesn't, so... *I guess hell can't really be that bad. He must be exaggerating it.* " was the moment I knew I was gonna bawl my eyes out. And I did.

[@sherrybopcherrypop]

Can someone explain this to me I didn't understand

[@alexandraandreeva4648]

​@@sherrybopcherrypop you can't exaggerate hell because there is nothing worse than it

[@lossmoss7378]

@@sherrybopcherrypop imo its a really common thing abuse survivors say to themselves and have said to them by other ppl. I knew exactly what narrative I was in when he said that.

[@AperioContra]

@@sherrybopcherrypop A common thing people do when trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation is to pivot. When we can't accept something we tend to ignore it, because to acknowledge it is just... too hard. So the sudden change in momentum, the sudden pivot. That's something survivors of abuse and trauma know well.

[@TheRunningLeopard]

Same here. This is really the video I needed right now.

[@Avaxcat]

“Maybe trauma didn’t give me anxiety, maybe it gave me the power to see into the future” oh my god

[@thecatcameback3530]

Me, talking about my anxiety to my therapist: I can't stop worrying about things! If I did, everything would go wrong and I wouldn't be prepared for the inevitable bad things in the future! Therapist: ... When has your anxiety actually accurately predicted a negative outcome? Me: This one time in seventh grade, by friends and I were playing Call of Cthulu...

[@dutchik5107]

@@thecatcameback3530 me: well this math test last year... I failed it... This because i think i will fail every math test. and some you will eventually fail

[@redblaquegolden]

Oh no, I'm 18 minutes in and sobbing because if you substitute the hitting with a man calling me a n*gg*r to my face in the car and me not saying anything about it... thats what happened to me. In late 2019 and early 2020. Fuck...oh my god. Well shit. I'm distraught and I'm going to sit here in it, process it and then text my therapist. And... we will see if I can get out of bed today. And tomorrow. And the next.

[@radiokilled4790]

Hey i love you man, i hope you're doing alright

[@neo-filthyfrank1347]

The problem here is feebleness. The other person is not at fault and you know it. You're mad at yourself for freezing up, and rightly so. The act itself was hardly a big deal.

[@ThisIsNuckingFuts]

@@neo-filthyfrank1347you just have insecurity and you will grow out of it

[@neo-filthyfrank1347]

@@ThisIsNuckingFuts Oh look, it's making dumb assumptions because that's the only way it's idiotic worldview makes sense, how pathetic.

[@psychicbyinternet]

@@neo-filthyfrank1347 Yes they are at fault. What is wrong with you?

[@Bala_Niranna]

"in many ways im not the man i was" me, who just watched her coming out video: 😏 also just. the amount of parallels i drew to my ex whom i've been trying to figure out was abusive or not was just. yikes.

[@alex-po2lr]

Your Jordan Peterson impression is scarily accurate.

[@alexlarsson786]

was looking for this comment

[@samk7625]

@alex he's so funny to parody. if you want more, check out the chapo trap house clips about him on yt if you haven't already, they're comedy gold

That Australian therapist tho.

[@maozedong537]

alex Maybe Peterson is just another one of Oliver’s characters 🤔

[@MichiruEll]

"People liked Shrek" is a brilliant response to Body dismorphic disorder thoughts. So thank you for that. And thank you for sharing this part of your life. It will help a lot of people.

[@marekwygnany924]

Umm... But like, diegetic people in the fiction or transcendental audience I have to ask, before I continue.

[@solarolli1951]

@@marekwygnany924 In the movie he had friends

[@xzonia1]

@@marekwygnany924 Shrek was always accepted by the normal people. Who didn't accept him were the noblemen and women, and the fairy godmother (not normal people at all).

[@marekwygnany924]

What's clearly shown by peasants comming for him with pitchforks and torches. That's how i go for my boardgame night :)

[@alannaha3815]

That feeling that you're too big, too heavy, that nothing fits right, that your body feels awkward and uncomfortable, and the hyper awareness of every movement ...I get that. The last time I felt this way was over a decade ago, and I don't know why I feel it now, but I really, really appreciate that I'm not the only one. I didn't start off watching this expecting to find that, but then again, Ollie has a remarkable habit of putting in to words things I push aside. A true philosopher.

[@Pinkyton]

I left an abusive relationship in September 2020. It had been toxic for years. Everything in this touched a raw nerve. I'm so glad you got out and I'm so so sorry you went through this too.

[@neo-filthyfrank1347]

The fact that you even consider this important shows that you've decided to make your life a pillar to normalcy and non-achievement.

[@dr.seesaw8894]

8:57 Holy shit you can see the dysphoria kicking in already before she even knew. Huge congrats on coming out!

[@sinceritynature202]

She probably already knew, and was possibly even out in her private life by then....... I'm sure if we look back through her videos over the past year we could notices tons of little winkwinknudgenudge moments lol

[@dr.seesaw8894]

She was recounting a story though to her therapist during that part though. I'd estimate she began working on the script around the time "queer" came out. Maybe she did know at that point but we as an audience didn't and it's definitely interesting to see the signs there all along

[@LaunaBodde]

I'm a mom to a 19 yo. He introduced me to your channel. You give me hope for the future of his world. And I'm so glad he found you to model what it means to be human in this oft-forsaken world. Thank you for being there for him in ways that I cannot.

[@marylawrence2218]

Wholesome!

[@dindindundun8211]

Don't count on it Ma'am.

[@dave474c]

I hope Olly reads this.

[@cosmix02]

Omg ma'am you should watch *Contrapoints* as well, such hope for the world

[@uadhlagash7280]

Why do people think the world is forsaken? and by whom?

[@GravelordNEETo]

"You're gonna see your own reflection and think, wow... I look a lot like my dad" Ok crying already

[@Zealot1290]

yeah that line punched me right in the face. like, ok Olly. just... call me out like that...

[@Sabbathtage]

@@Zealot1290 Yes! Same. One day I caught my hazy reflection on the door of a public bathroom and saw my HORRIBLE mom in it. Time is only making it clearer.

[@Zealot1290]

@@Sabbathtage genetics suck sometimes, don't' they? lol

[@Sabbathtage]

@@Zealot1290 lol yeah.

[@GrooviliciousPictures]

Abigail, I know you will never see this, and that's okay. I just wanna say... thank you. This video saved my life. I've written so many screenplays that would have never been written, made so many films that would never have been filmed, and composed so many scores that would never have been scored, because I saw it. Thank you for saving that future. ~Mr. Mars Fargo

[@Vexxa_]

this is a weird video to come back to in light of abigail's transition and coming out, but i just want to say that this video came out a handful of months after i was able to come out to myself as a man. while i never saw her pre-transition as "a model of positive masculinity" (perhaps, deep down, we know our own?), theres a lot that she talks about here that was - and still is - profoundly impactful for me. its been four years, and i still think about her old videos - especially this one. thank you, abigail.

[@JackgarPrime]

Wow, this was all in one take? That theater experience coming through very strongly here!

[@maxohrzen3106]

@@JimboCrackers Okay two takes but that's pretty impressive too

[@LouisOnAir]

I just realised the entire first part is filmed from within a mirror, explaining the backwards 'S'

[@Doogie95]

Louis Hypothetical I genuinely thought he was just wearing a Bizzaro shirt

[@MasterMemo]

@@Doogie95 oh! Same wow

[@claudis.4015]

Holy shit! That makes this video even better - if this is at all possible.

[@DarkAngelEU]

@@claudis.4015 It doesn't matter if it's possible. It matters that you fell for it.

[@pengu1nmusic]

Filmed from within a mirror? How?

[@FancyFrontman]

9:03 hits different now

[@aaronlevenstein519]

It took me 3 1/2 years to leave. It was toxic and abusive from the beginning. There are still times I try to convince myself it wasn't real abuse.