Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ★

[EPILEPSY WARNING]
Who decides what a ment@l illness is? Is suic!dality always a sign of insanity? ★★★
Patreon: / philosophytube
Subscribe! tinyurl.com/pr99a46
Paypal.me/PhilosophyTube
Wanna get me a book for the show? amzn.eu/5JAYdOd
Check out my other videos on:
Why Do I Hate My Self? • Why Do I Hate My Self?...
When Will Security Go Back to Normal? • When Will Security Go ...
Elon Musk • Elon Musk | Philosophy...
Facebook: tinyurl.com/jgjek5w
Twitter: @PhilosophyTube
Email: [e-mail]
Google+: google.com/+thephilosophytube
realphilosophytube.tumblr.com
Recommended Reading:
S.R. Blauner, How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me tinyurl.com/ybehp5y2
Thomas Szasz, Fatal Freedom tinyurl.com/yb22k9vw
Mary Shelley, The Last Man tinyurl.com/y9gn2gpg
Mark Fisher, Capitalist Realism tinyurl.com/y9bepjbz
Mark Brown, What is It Like to Be Sectioned? www.shortlist.com/news/what-i...
AngieSpeaks, Ment@l Health Under Late Capitalism • Mental Health Under La...
David Bowie - Blackstar • Video
Music by Ibrahim: / ibr
Pusher - by Zoë Blade zoeblade.bandcamp.com/track/p...
Focused - by Zoë Blade
Coldrum Stones - by Zoë Blade zoeblade.bandcamp.com/track/c...
Disconnected - by Zoë Blade
Unsafe (Quiet Mix) - by Zoë Blade
Lamb - by Zoë Blade
Slick - by Zoë Blade zoeblade.bandcamp.com/track/s...
Epidemic Sound (Epidemicsound.com)
Aerial View of Masada by Andrew Shiva
If you or your organisation would like to financially support Philosophy Tube in distributing philosophical knowledge to those who might not otherwise have access to it in exchange for credits on the show, please get in touch!
Any copyrighted material should fall under fair use for educational purposes or commentary, but if you are a copyright holder and believe your material has been used unfairly please get in touch with us and we will be happy to discuss it.

[@PhilosophyTube]

UK & ROI, the Samaritans - 116123 USA, National Suic!de Hotline - 1-800-784-2433 USA, The Trevor Project - 1-866-488-7386 USA, Trans Lifeline - 1-877-565-8860 First thing's first, please don't worry: I know this video gets dark and personal but I’m safe, I’m okay; remember this was filmed weeks ago and isn’t necessarily an accurate representation of how I feel this afternoon! Now, anticipating an objection: "Why make this video in this way? Aren't you commodifying your feelings?" Well, there's a reason I put "Blackstar" in the thumbnail and the recommended reading: Bowie wrote that album when he knew he was dying and when it came out I saw someone say he was the only artist in the world who could look at his own death and go, “I can use this.” Making this video has been Hellish but I wanted to take these feelings and put them to work creating something nobody has made before: a KZbin video about suicide that's educational AND critical AND personal AND artistic. That just seems more worthwhile to me than sitting on these feelings, or making a video about this subject that's any less than the best I can possibly make it. Olly XXx ★

[@XenaBe25]

I still haven't been able to sit through Blackstar. I miss Bowie. Too many great creative minds have been sucked through the tear in the Veil these past 3 years :(

[@anotheran-com7012]

thank you

[@Aconitum_napellus]

Mind- 0300 123 3393 SANEline-0300 304 7000 Switchboard LGBT+ 0300 330 0630 C.A.L.L-0800 123 737(If you live in Wales) MIndLine Trans+ 03003305468.

[@skrowetortio3621]

I barely know who you are, Ollie, yet I love you. It's not easy to make yourself this vulnerable. With what you've done, you've given someone a tomorrow.

[@xzonia1]

Thank you for making this video. It's not an easy thing to admit in our modern world, but it is greatly appreciated that you said it. I understand how you feel.

[@fordmadoxfraud]

I’d been avoiding “The Cosmonaut video” since I started watching this channel. I’m a cosmonaut too, and I don’t like to focus too much on my frequent flyer status. Tonight an old friend killed himself. After reading the note he left behind, I went home, made leftovers for dinner, did the dishes, put my child to bed, and watched. It helped. Thank you.

[@jacobpitts3786]

Not sure why I’m scrolling through the comments right now, but I hope your feeling better man. Sounds like your going through a lot, have a good life man!

[@alionahamilton3427]

I'm so sorry for your lose.

[@1Dylan1]

I'm glad you're still here

[@Magus4D]

@@qoph1988 When you seek help that means coming face to face with your problems. I am not strong enough for that. I imagine there are many others who lack that fortitude as well. It makes all the difference when you get support from someone who has gone through something similar to yourself. Ollie here doesn't know me and has no reason to, but that doesn't stop this video from helping in a way.

[@jakeandboby]

be safe on your flights, it been a while since ive been launched, i hope its the same for you one day

[@yongyong5296]

The urge of reaching across the screen and hug him is too strong

[@MrKenichi22]

I agree

[@soulcstudios]

I need a cuddle.

[@madeline7272]

Soul Cooke ༼ つ˙ ͜ʟ˙ ༽つ

[@lloyddragon2036]

ikr

[@mookinbabysealfurmittens]

The urge for a _mutual_ hug... That is, the need for a hug for mutual _understanding..._ I come back to this one the most often. (That, and "Goodbye Dr. P" - whoooa!)

[@nathanlindgren6019]

When she said, “Toxic Masculinity is a hell of a ship to pilot when you’re suffering,” I felt that to my core.

[@chumby9920]

Right? Shit, that line ripped me to shreds. I won't trauma-dump in reply to your comment because you didn't consent to hearing that, but. Wow. She couldn't have said it better.

[@Alex-ki6zz]

@@chumby9920 The visual metaphor of desperately, frantically trying to fix a spacecraft as you blast into space is probably the *single* best visual metaphor I've ever heard for how this feels. She has an amazing way with words!

[@ScorpionViper1001]

This line has gained extra poignancy given her transition.

[@Omniversee]

Yes !

[@-suiluj-]

Yeah me too and I wanted to cry so badly, but I just couldn’t…oh the irony. Godspeed fellow cosmonauts!

[@afish4086]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="480">8:00</a> - (content advisory for sexual assault, suicide, medical abuse) When I was 18, I was raped multiple times in different instances by strangers (I had just moved to a new city, and I guess this stuff just happens sometimes) but after the third time, I decided enough was enough and I went to the hospital to have a rape kit done. I had told the nurse that the whole situation "made me want to die" because I was so hurt and stressed by it all. Next thing I know, I am being involuntarily admitted to a psych ward several miles away without any time to pack or even prepare. I was subjected to nonconsensual electroshock therapy, solitary confinement (for crying??) and put on a slurry of drugs that sent me into anaphylactic shock. I was held down by several people and given an emergency antihistamine administration with (to put it bluntly) a needle in the ass. In the stupor following waking up from that, I was forced to sign paperwork that I wasn't even given a chance to read - liability waivers. That psych wing has since been shut down for malpractice. The world can be cartoonishly cruel, and I firmly believe that every stranger I come across could have plausibly experienced some aspect of it. Be kind, be gentle, and try to see the vulnerability in everyone you interact with - including yourself. It'd be a damn shame if everyone got to experience your kindness except for you. I don't really have a point to any of this. I guess it's just nice to talk about it. Thank you for listening (reading?). Please stay safe.

[@belladonna8425]

Anything signed while drugged and unable to make an informed decision, which shouldn't be hard to prove, isn't legally binding. You should sue the shit out of them. Im so sorry you went through that.

[@GiantPetRat]

"It'd be a damn shame if everyone got to experience your kindness except for you."

[@roreah]

I hope everythig goes well for you, Fish. You deserve better

[@maxmillman9477]

Wow, that really is cartoonishly cruel. Fuck me. At age 15, a guy in school decided it'd be funny to "trip" me over from behind, except his version of doing so involved kicking my leg as hard as he possibly could while it was extended, thereby dislocating my patella. Nice. Since then it has dislocated a few more times and now it aches constantly. What a great start to life eh? On top of that I smoked weed to deal with the experience, to which I became addicted. I shouldn't have though, because according to my own mother "you can't get addicted to weed". Tell that to the several months of side effects, including dreadful insomnia, that I experienced once I quit. This addiction damaged my memory and made me mentally unstable. Apparently my family has a long history of psychiatric illness, a fact of which I wasn't aware. Fantastic. I still have PTSD from when that bastard fucked my knee. I'm 30 now.

[@daimhinaubrey3194]

sorry to hear about what happened to you. it sounds horrific. you are so brave and strong, i hope you are doing well. i have my own share of horror stories from psych wards (from the head doctor bringing underage female patients to his flat to ‘treat’ them with LSD to medical staff drugging patients as a form of ‘punishment’) and one of the most horrific things i’ve witnessed was the whole team of nurses making patients kick, slap and bully a mentally challenged, drugged person and threatening them (the patients) “you’ll be in their place if you displease us” i was fucking horrified. i suppose because i was “a fresh arrival” and nobody knew what was ‘wrong’ with me, they couldn’t threaten me the same way (to clarify: i was only supposed to be there for 3 days only so technically they couldn’t fuck me up or they’d have to face consequences) so when i crouched in front of this poor person, helping them to get up and walked them to their bed, i swear i could *feel* the staff burning holes in my skull. that place still operates. the last time i was in a psych ward, a person i met there had been to jail twice before and she said literal prison was a walk in the park compared to these “mental health facilities”. the abuse of the mentally ill is truly one of the biggest issues that’s swept under the rug.

[@marialuke2116]

_"Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly"_ Oh, so the usual then.

[@andersonritter1389]

lol, I love how most of his theories are like half-write

[@donteatthemeatloaf]

i scrolled down to put the same comment

[@Sniiigel]

Like lost psychotherapy then

[@avo478]

@@user-gl6tn9ho9w Lmfao yep

[@nielsjensen4185]

Most of Freud's theories have been disproven. They were significantly helpful in establishing early psychology and they were unable to stand the test of time. Some of his theories were even disproven by his own daughter later on when she did studies.

[@angelinakodjabashia7416]

“Or when you love someone and they hurt you” that line hurts like hell to listen to now.

[@airboy1021]

I know, I just noticed that. It hurts so much :(

[@sarahjayne4904]

Roger that .... I rewatched this given Olly's recent "part 2" Oh boy. the feels, and in my case memories.

[@waah919]

Yep, like that extreme moment of vulnerability in a video that's 33 minute video of vulnerability is just... As much as I'm sorry he felt so much pain, it's incredibly important for others to see someone else have that moment.

[@noidea7523]

? did i miss something im a pretty new fan im just starting my binge what happened

[@waah919]

@@noidea7523 his most recent video from like 5 days ago will fill you in.

[@ADreamerWithAPen]

"Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly" is a good summary of all of his work tbh

[@brenosilvamorais2510]

@abc d at the very least a good chunk of it

[@vishwaeshu9566]

Still he is an important figure for everyone interested in psychology and psychiatry to study

[@obviativ123]

That's tough man

[@SameAsAnyOtherStranger]

Yup. He made a living telling aristocrats they had stuff wrong with them that he could help them with. Of course they would never have believed there was anything wrong with themselves otherwise.

[@PSNSMANIACALMIND1st]

😬"Come out and confront your fetishistic neuroses!" "We have you surrounded!!"🤤 "I HATE THE UNCONSCIOUS I HATE THE UNCONSCIOUS I HATE THE UNCONSCIOUS!!!" 🤪

[@TheFourthBlackReaper]

As a fellow trans woman and cosmonaut, thank you, Abigail. I’m glad the both of us are still here.

[@wen6519]

I'm glad both of you are here.

[@rosalindcurie8400]

I am so happy you are both here as well my sister.

[@mechamonkeymancityboat7785]

Poyo!

[@ShoutingLivingroomActress]

💗💗💗

[@Wmnd814]

I’m glad you’re both here too.

[@rhymeswithpicard8202]

As someone who used to self harm, I have never laughed harder about self harm than when you showed the fork and spoon.

[@pink_alligator]

It was pretty precious haha and I love that it turned such a dark and emotionally heavy object.. in to a spoon lol and suddenly it wasn't heavy anymore

[@elijahculper5522]

Same. It’s incredibly apt.

[@Greatoraint]

It really do be tools of oppurtunity or convenience. Legit just whatever is on hand and it's ridiculous.

[@iamthewalrus8391]

I felt bad laughing about it, and then he gives permission. Thanks for permission to laugh when I'm already laughiing. 20:55

[@aks799]

As someone who currently self-harms, I have never laughed harder then that either.

[@ThoughtSlime]

You're a beautiful human being Ollie, and I'm glad you're still here.

[@smmm5559]

ugggh

[@thrownstair]

It’s 3:04am for me, and I’m just openly weeping at the last section of this video. This video gave voice to so many of my unspoken thoughts. I think I can also credit it for keeping me here.

[@LeftistJesus]

@LaLapin Don't ever feel hopeless. Start by volunteering at an organization that already does what you would want to do. They will already exist. Don't ever feel hopeless. There are always comrades like you that want to help. Build your network. Get your kids involved, your friends. Explain why it's important. How they can literally make a difference. Don't ever feel hopeless. Always remember that there is a reason. Usually it's a temporary reason, sometimes it's an imagined reason, sometimes it's a very physical reason. It can always be addressed. Any not naturally occurring affliction can be remedied. Just remember. Don't ever feel hopeless. I've sat in the captain's seat of this rocket. The ride sucks, but if you want it to, you can come home. Whatever you choose; DON'T FEEL HOPELESS. There is always hope. Find it. It hides.

[@tink73slytherin85]

I’ve seen your videos quite often but , honestly that was because my eldest son would watch them on the tv- and I do enjoy them, always thought provoking. He recommended that I watch this one- as he wanted to know my opinion. I worked as a mental health nurse for over 25 years until recently. I’ve also suffered from severe depression too. I’ve read T.Szaz, R.D.Laing (a good read too!!). In my career I’ve looked after many people who’ve attempted suicide and those who were successful in ending their life. We always reflect on occasions when people have attempted suicide all been successful usually termed as a debrief, and I guess we are no different to the families or friends of those as we are always trying to understand why they may have done it there is no doubt that many, dare I say majority of those who have looked after I doing this because they are extremely low in mood and don’t want it to continue. Feeling so desperately low that even getting out of bed requires major planning and effort and energy. With those people we know that placing them with therapy tailored to their needs and wants generally will work very well for them and with a lot of people we don’t ever see them again , In the nicest way possible of course-with regards to they stay well enough never to need our contact or help again. But we also recognise that there are some who situation is just so desperate, that they are homeless , no family or friends, a history of being seriously abused over long periods of time Etc- and you do find yourself asking ‘what do they have to live for?’. Student nurses were often shocked when we would talk to them about these people and ask that very question. They think we can ‘fix’ everyone but we cannot. We can’t change someone’s history , for instance. I remember arguing with senior management about why we would help someone to a good place (mentally) and then send them back to the same shitty deprived area they came from , with class A drugs being dealt from the next door flat!! Sometimes there are those who just want to escape their reality- they see no way out; and if we are truly honest- they are right, there is no escape except by death. It’s awful to have to admit it but it’s true. I am not anti psychiatry because I’ve benefited from it myself when I was suicidal. But we do need to offer more time with patients- it’s not given because the nurses don’t want to but because of severe cuts on the NHS and crazy red tape replication of paperwork that we are required to do ; mostly in case the NHS trust is sued!! When I first started my career- the majority of my time was spent with patients- talking with them, counselling them. Sadly, this isn’t the case and so I’ve seen a direct correlation of reduction in direct nurse to patient time and increase in prescription medication to those patients, who could be better served by one to one or group counselling time. We were taught to treat the patients holistically- including their environment. It of course, made perfect sense but in reality it doesn’t happen. Usually due to lack of funds or inclination by social services to move the individual from those environmental circumstances. Usually the former. So the push towards medicalisation of mental health again is more to do with cuts than us driving an agenda forward. I applaud you Ollie in being so honest in your video about your own struggles with depression, self harming and suicide attempts- I know how difficult this must have been but nevertheless you did it. And, this will reach out to others too. I’m going to share this with my friends who still work in mental health and hopefully it will be shared with others. Because only by challenging our own practice can we hope to improve the care we deliver to others; even if that means acknowledging people’s right to die.

[@wdirtymonkey]

Love your channel man. Would you do a collab with Olly?

[@Rogue_Leader]

In 2001, one of my closest friends committed suicide on her 27th birthday, two days before my 28th. She was saner than I. She lived very relentlessly in the real world. The last time I saw her, she was trying to tell me that it was the last time. I didn’t pick up what she was saying. I was in a hurry. I didn’t listen. 21 years. That year, three close friends followed.

[@TylerTaboo]

I too, was the last person my friend talked to before she killed herself. I too, was in a hurry... I didn't say bye didn't say I love you like I normally would, and now she's gone, having suffered terribly when she went it kills me to think about it still.

[@Keroanne]

As a fellow cosmonaut, I was fine for the entirety of this video, until she said “I understand how you feel.” It was said in such an earnest and open way that I began to cry instantly. Thank you for creating this, Abi. It’s beautiful, and I’m glad.

[@darkcarney1]

Very much the same here

[@louchiu9866]

yep... me too.

[@mhuuse1]

Same

[@LukeTEvans]

im taikunaut.. but deep in space i would be a haikunaut

[@LukeTEvans]

but truthfully if you live in space your a space iniut, or space eskimoo

[@iamkrohn]

Suicide is also higher among veterans than the general population. Does that mean being a veteran is a mental illness ? Or does it mean that LGBTQIA and Veterans are both hurting and not receiving help

[@Sunrise-fr9jb]

i'm lgbt and was just talking to one of those free therapist about my issues. when i came to my main issue which was my sexuality, they stopped replying after a few minuets.

[@1993greeksoldier]

@@Sunrise-fr9jb I'm deeply sorry you were treated so cruelly.

[@tonunknown1]

Yes

[@spookyho5994]

@@Sunrise-fr9jb I’m so sorry

[@DavidLindes]

@@Sunrise-fr9jb wow. That sounds deeply unethical. If you have the forks to do so, please report them to relevant authorities, or write a complaint, or similar. (And if you don't, well, that's entirely understandable.

[@monicavalladares4356]

My healthiest parasocial relationship, I guess.

[@cheesecakelasagna]

Relatable, have a nice day.

[@oneevilkitten7088]

Same

[@lydia722]

I was once told by a mental health professional that I can't be depressed because I was wearing makeup. Little did they know I wore makeup to stop myself from crying constantly.

[@wyattp8479]

I'm sorry what's the logic in that? Like... You wear makeup and therefore you're taking care of yourself and can't be depressed? Is that the deduction? Like lmao

[@Skittenmeow]

I *only* wear makeup when I'm having a really rough time. It's a way to distract others from the obvious signs of pain, a way to not appear vulnerable, a way to look "ok" when I was really far from ok. My psychiatrist (during a long hospital psych admission in my late 30s) would say "Oh you're looking far more well in yourself today" if I was wearing makeup, not realising that was usually a sign of a bad day. It took a while to admit to him and even longer to change his mind; that if I was feeling brave enough to make the *choice* to face the day without makeup I was getting better. I was getting brave enough to not fear my emotions, and not fear others noticing my vulnerability.

[@BlackTestament]

@Despize Perform you hear a person describing their personal coping mechanism for their depression and the first thing you do is to call them pathetic Fuck off

[@roosasainio3744]

I have literally done that. On days when I can't seem to get up off the kitchen floor I just force myself up, go to the bathroom and start doing my makeup. Can't cry if you've got mascara on, as dumb as it fucking sounds. I hope everyone in this comment thread is doing better. And I hope you eventually got the help you needed. Much love ❤️

[@ellah6188]

@@wyattp8479 IME, mental health providers love making judgments on appearance and claiming it’s because of hygiene. The logic tends to be “if someone was suffering severely, they would have the energy to be hygienic or wouldn’t care about hygiene”

[@rosalindcurie8400]

The incredible power of the phrase “toxic masculinity is a hell of a ship to pilot when you’re suffering” hits so hard now. As a trans woman who grew up in an incredibly conservative and fundamentalist culture, this breaks my heart because I know what piloting that ship is like when you are hurting and how freeing it is to finally walk away from it.

[@aaronlevenstein519]

Toxic masculinity was the thing that prevented me from coming out for so long. Why would I want to be a man when most of the men I knew were so seeped in homophobia and sexism? Maybe it's better to just stay in the closet my whole life. But doing so wasn't helping me. I didn't know how to call other guys out on their sexist shit until after I had come out as non-binary. I didn't know how to correct cis people on pronouns until after I started hormones. Avoiding coming out because you are afraid of what is on the other side isn't rational. And doing so makes you miserable.

[@rosalindcurie8400]

@@aaronlevenstein519 Exactly! One of my best friends is transmasc, and he told me he had the exact same experience. Both of us grew up in the same cult, and he had nothing but the worst examples of what masculinity could be. And I can’t imagine how hard that had to have been for him. And I hate that he had to experience that. But I am so glad he could get to where he is now, which is a wonderful delightful man. And I am happy for you as well. And I am so proud of both of you for working past that fear.

[@VideoQualityControl]

"The Earth was small, light blue, and so touchingly alone, our home that must be defended like a holy relic." -Alexei Leonov, the world's first spacewalker, who passed away today at 85. Hope he's looking out for you Oliver.

[@lance6574]

I want you to know that I pondered the question “do I want to go on living” while watching your video, and for the first time since I realized I’m a trans man, the answer was an immediate yes. I’ll admit I cried pretty hard at that realization, it was such a shock. Thank you Olly, that moment meant the world to me.

[@lance6574]

Thank you for staying around Olly

[@PBDNR]

Same but opposite. it would have been pretty hard to give a straight answer to that question before, but it's pretty easy to say yes after realizing I'm a trans girl.

[@TotalNigelFargothDeath]

That's good to know man, stay safe.

[@TriToneTiefling]

Same but Trans Woman for me.

[@alexsmith2910]

Stay safe, Randy!

[@vivianobrien3687]

This woman is so unbelievably underrated. As a person, a philosopher, a teacher and a cosmonaut.

[@helixisverygay7831]

I didn’t cry throughout this entire video, but I sobbed when you said “I understand”. Real, visceral sobs that I haven’t experienced in a long time.

[@harveyholmes9533]

‘Can I have my stationary holder back?’ ‘No.’ I’m glad that made me laugh so much

[@arielyemini4221]

So sassy

[@greenhowie]

Cut the tension perfectly, didn't it? Lot of thought put into this.

[@arielyemini4221]

@@greenhowie Really did. Oliver does these things really well

[@allylavender3023]

I might just be screaming into the void here, I just want you to know that this video helped keep me alive tonight. So thank you. Thank you for convincing me that my spacecraft will land, and that I’ll see the earth again one day.

[@Ari-us8gt]

safe travels my friend. We will be happy to see you when you come back

[@akoers9078]

Not gonna lie, the vid had me in an emotional mood, but man seeing this comment got me. I havent cried in months, and im not generally an outwardly emotional person but i just cried so damn hard at seeing this. God bless you man, keep on flyin

[@centaursapocalypse7259]

No matter what you're facing, you're going to come back to Earth one day, so please keep being brave! I know what it's like feeling stuck out there.

[@jaqu9001]

hope you're doing well friend

[@user-nb3cg9yw1x]

If you need to talk to someone, i am here. There is without a doubt also other people that would love nothing more than to talk to you. There will always be someone here for you.

[@jonestowndixiecups782]

I spoke to a stranger once when I was feeling like I didn't want to be here anymore, I was drunk outside a bar smoking a cigarette and sobbing hysterically, they repeated several times "I know this pain you are feeling.", somehow that was more meaningful than anything else anyone could have possibly said to me. Edit: Okay, I was halfway through this video when I made the above comment..... I go do a little cry now.

[@jc-kj8yc]

I personally know someone who is still alive, because you published this. I can't put into words what this means to me. I can't say "I understand", I'm just standing down here on earth, knowing what you cosmonauts go through in space. You guys are needed down here and everytime you manage a safe landing, is a good day. Thank you!

[@rachelb4339]

I legit gasped when you explained what the “cosmonaut” meant. It’s a perfect visualization of grounding techniques. When the depression and panic sends you into the void, you can reminder yourself you’re a cosmonaut, still tethered to the ship that will be on its way home.

[@wonderwoman5528]

Very clever metaphor

[@Coffeeisnecessarynowpepper]

Ahhh don’t spoil it

[@daveprice5911]

@@Coffeeisnecessarynowpepper why read the comments before the video, we're here to discuss what we just saw dude. You did this to yourself

[@DrDAC-go7hs]

But what if the ship doesn't have a return destination, a home to return to, what should a cosmonaut do then?

[@copperdragonofchaos1983]

@@DrDAC-go7hs make one. find one. home is always somewhere

[@lonelylucifer5301]

There's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.

[@Jabranalibabry]

Agreed but maybe we can fix things for both of them. Make this world a better place so people want to live. Make life great so they don't want to die so soon.

[@savag3salad813]

What's the difference? I feel both

[@Jabranalibabry]

@@savag3salad813 wanting to die = bad current life. Not wanting to live = no hope if one goes on. I think both can overlap.

[@WZen0]

@@savag3salad813 I definitely do not want to live because I do not have the energy and willpower anymore to be able to live a life that is worth living. I am exhausted and want it to stop. But I (mostly) don't want to die or kill myself because it is not life itself I dislike just my fuel has run out

[@AnchoviePossum]

mood

[@Livi_Noelle]

HRT and transition did more for my mental health than any medication or combination of medications that I have ever been prescribed. Ohmygod girl, the fork and spoon thing is so darkly humorous. I laughed way harder than I should have. Glad you made it, Abigail. Glad you transitioned.

[@Livi_Noelle]

You're not alone, sister. Many of us, especially trans people, pilot the same shitty space craft. I love all my sisters and brothers. Please don't give up, gorge. It always gets better.

[@ChristianCatboy]

I might be both trans and "mentally ill". 😕 Sucks to be such an obvious stereotype of a "burden on society". Maybe it takes more than a couple years on HRT to unravel 30 years of ritual self-abuse...

[@chexmax2848]

as morbid as it sounds, when i have my own cosmonaut episodes i always come back to this video. i don’t know why, but just knowing i’m not alone up there, sitting in my tin can in space, makes all the difference in the world. i don’t know how long i can go on like this, but thank you for offering this modicum of solace.

[@drakebradford1728]

My first attempt I was 11 years old. When I’m in that place as dumb as it sounds I have this thing I do I call “counting straws” “straws” are reasons to stay. I visualize all my straws in one of those little straw cups. And I count through them one by one, my friends my family my passions My partners. And a lot of the time I can go through this list and still feel like they would all be OK without me... eventually. So I save the straw that is my cat for last. Because as dumb as it sounds I remind myself that she wouldn’t understand why I never came home. So mentally I put all my straws back in the cup. And I keep going.

[@elderberry851]

That's actually the sweetest and simplest and most relatable thing ever. I can always justify people doing ok without me eventually if I killed myself, but thinking about my pets... my cats wouldn't understand why I never came home to feed them again, why I would never be there to love them, why I would never be there for them again. And that just wrenches at my heart

[@coreywilliams5357]

This is heartbreakingly beautiful. I had to give my pets up in my divorce. It was really traumatic for me, and I think about them all the time.

[@samalloy4869]

You're wanted and needed. By everyone and everything. Sending so much love and solidarity.

[@emmawalter5433]

None of this sounds dumb. Hugs, from one survivor to another. I do a similar thing. I list the people who love and care for me as a person.

[@WaitingForRevolution]

I'm tearing up over a KZbin comment.. 😳

[@juniperstone1753]

Abused for over a decade. Multiple failed suicide attempts. Hospitalized with no real help provided. Treated like a nuisance while hospitalized. Denied care at emergency room after another suicide attempt. Can't get service dog because PTSD didn't stem from military service. New PTSD from doctors and nurses treating me lesser than. Weekly call with therapist where I mostly just listen. Feel like a drag in society so I just stay home. So many more details I can't express again. It's been years of this. Still here. Tired. I understand too.

[@pedrogheventer2566]

That sucks :/ are you doing better now? This quarantine time is also being bad for mental health. Do you have any hobbies which give you fullfilment, like music or painting? They can help

[@nopetellingnothing45]

You can do this. This mission is worth completing, or at least, living. You will find meaning. You are important, god fucking damnit. Good luck, and remember just how many more cosmonauts are around- you may as well use the radio.

[@darinnewhook9587]

You will get through this. I feel your pain

[@loganbohlinger8692]

Each day you keep on going is an act of courage and strength. In the face of so much hardship, you persist. As much as it can mean from a stranger on the Internet, I wish you well. I wish that your life gets better and that you make your way to a place of peace and stability. I believe that if your strength has carried you this far, it can carry you there as well.

[@darinnewhook9587]

@@loganbohlinger8692 beautiful words

[@thylacina5989]

I'm seventeen. I'm trans. And I think I'm a fellow cosmonaut. I came to this video because I had a pretty bad day. Bombed the fuck out of a very important psychology test despite knowing the content (it was about stress and how we react to it) a little too intimately. And I just kept thinking about life, and how I'll have to keep repeating the what my psychology teacher might call three stages of Selye's GAS, or what I might call "shock, get used to it, collapse, repeat". And I realised it's either keep on doing that or... the other option. And that led me here. But this - helped, somehow. Being a certified zoomer with terrible taste, I tend to associate space and existentialism not with David Bowie's Blackstar and Elton John's Rocketman, but with Coldplay's X&Y. And so here I'll put my only worthwhile contribution to this rather depressing but insightful comment section: the last verse of Square One, first track on X&Y. "Is there anybody out there who, is lost and hurt and lonely too? Are they bleeding all your colours into one? And if you come undone as if you'd been run through Some catapult that fired you You wonder if your chance will ever come Well, if you're stuck in square one." To all my fellow cosmonauts that are stuck in square one: We'll get through this. Because we have to.

[@sycastells1212]

How are you doing? Millennial trans cosmonaut checking in. Are you drinking water and eating food and breathing? Hang in there. You are you and that's a good person to be.

[@thylacina5989]

@@sycastells1212 I am not doing that well but thanks for asking me anyway :)

[@sycastells1212]

@@thylacina5989 I hope things start to get better for you soon. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.

[@tonycampbell1424]

Alas, little sibling, I sometimes fear that having to isn't enough. I think we need to want to. Life quite often isn't very good at giving us a reason to want to. Who would fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life?

[@kitkat1321]

I’m so glad you mentioned Austerity. I’m English too and I showed up at A+E threatening to kill myself, but because the unit was so understaffed with ONE locum doctor holding it together, I got sent home after being told to snap an elastic band against my wrist instead. And I literally had cuts all over my arms and wrists. That’s the effect of decimating health cuts and it SUCKS.

[@ellalawrence4342]

Being functional can be so difficult when you're suffering that much. I remember sitting in my psychiatrist's office after my second suicide attempt in a month while he was trying to persuade me to go to hospital, and my main objection to this was "I can't, I have shit to do". I was trying so hard to function that I completely ignored the gravity of the situation. Sometimes we care more about functioning than living and that's something I don't think we talk about enough.

[@obliviousotterI]

All I've ever wanted to do is function properly

[@idioteza]

(sorry, I got carried on while typing this message and I basically wrote down all my life- I guess I REALLY needed to vent and this video made me feel a lot of things. I didn't mean to make it about myself ;-;) Ironically, one of the things that my psychologist taught me was to not be functional human being. I would force myself to do stuff so bad, and I would sit in front of my homework (or just in front of a book, if I didn't had homework to do that day) and tell myself "I know it has been seven hours already, but when you finish all of this, only then you can eat". And it wasn't that difficult being functional, was it? I didn't had to do much, but then I couldn't see nothing because I was crying after reading the same paragraph for the third time, and I told myself "when I finish this one, I can think about this and decide what to do"... but I knew myself well enough to know that it wasn't true. I focused so much on being functional... Until the moment that I couldn't, and then I was in a different place, without knowing how much time had happened, sometimes injured. "Who did this thing to my arm?", but I knew it was myself, it was the only logical thing to think. I could only remember a few scenes that vanished from my mind as the time passed, and they felt like a movie. The moment when I regained consciousness and discovered the mess I had left on my left arm... that I can't forget. But, another irony, the only moments when I questioned if killing myself would be a good idea was in my rational moments. Of all the messes that I found after dissociating, none of them put my life in danger. My psychologist told me that the way I was thinking when I weighted in both possibilities (dying and living) wasn't at all irrational- but most of the things that I put as a con to living where fixable, and the problem lied on the fact that I didn't knew how. It's horrifying to be completely rational, trying to find a single justifiable reason to why you feel this way, and you can find none. Because depression means that you can't to things normally, right? I didn't felt that I needed to tell anyone, because I kept going to school, I kept helping my parents, I kept getting good grades- did it really matter that I couldn't stop crying while I was doing all of this? When I finally decided to get help, it was because I was about to start university and I felt like I couldn't really be good at it if I couldn't take care of myself and I kept having these horrible breakdowns. I was put on an emergency list, for both psychologist and psychiatrist. The worst thing? I had gotten a lot better by the time I finally asked for help, and even then it was an emergency thing. My justification for not asking for help before? I had a schizophrenic great-uncle which lives in a mental hospital since I can remember, and I couldn't let the same thing happen to me. Because I was a intelligent girl who had to go to college, because I couldn't waste my potential that way, because I had to keep on being rational even if that made me live the most miserable life that I could imagine.

[@99sins]

same, the only thing is that i never made actual attempts. When i was getting dangerously close i went to a 1st line psychologist, made lifestyle changes and even did psychedelics. I guess that means I'm high functioning (?), I don't see it. All i see when watching these is how isolated I am. I think i have a serious problem with self doubt, I'm basically my own gaslighter. It's especially destructive for me because i never feel like i can truly understand or be understood, there's never something legitimate i have done to "fit in" and say I understand and feel like i'm not just lying. How can anyone actually understand (really understand) when even I can't even get any kind of solid image of if what i'm going through is real? I want to say I understand, I want to say I've been there. Truth is I haven't and anytime i watch this type of content i just feel like some whiny "non-suicide attempt privileged" wannabe trying to connect with people who've actually been through real shit, who've actually seen the actual void of space and not some safe clips of it from the other side of a window (that might just be a screen). It's sad how much i used to glamorize suicide attempts, I even told my ex once that i tried it, made it extra edgy and dramatic of course. Truth is i just wanted to feel valid. I just wanted to feel like I had some kind of foothold to claim that I am depressed, that I am going through some shit, that I am actually someone that needs a different kind of attention than the rest. I am so self doubting that i don't know what's real anymore. I constantly doubt the legitimacy of my emotions, of my reasoning. I just wish something bad would happen to me, something real. Maybe then i could look back on it an say "see, proof that i was abused, proof that i'm depressed, proof that I'm not just some crybaby whining about completely normal things everyone goes through".

[@BothHands1]

Yeah, they don't let me use that excuse cuse they already know "shit to do" means try again

[@BothHands1]

LittleAmeba Feel free to vent hunny, i just did the same throughout the comment section today as well. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to read other people's thoughts, especially when they're in a similar headspace to me. I never did my arms, I was always too concerned about presentation. Even when i tried to kill myself, i tried to go for the artery in my thigh. Went through skin, fat, nerves, and then eventually partway through the muscle before i gave up. It was a horric scene, and I've seen heart surgery scars smaller and thinner than it. But it's on my thighs, so even if i go to the beach, i can wear a bikini top with some boy's swim shorts to cover up the evidence. But like Olly, i don't feel like it's insanity, but rather nihilistic dread, rational and thought out. I guess there are other factors too, but we'd be here all day if i tried to list them lol Anyway, i hope you feel better. I understand how you feel. You seem like a beautiful person, and so i do hope you find a reason to stay. But i know better than anyone that you can't stop someone if they've made up their minds. Take care of yourself

[@AlterationCorruption]

No over exaggeration, this may have been the greatest KZbin video I’ve ever seen.

[@renfineout5350]

It's life saving

[@whodoobucrew2960]

That's pretty much how i feel with every passing philosophytube episode. They are like nothing else I've seen

[@marshalinehamismother]

Joe Bubenz hell yeah dude

[@mijubo]

Even if it is not, it shows clearly what we should aspire to be as a society.

[@ElecTrishian924]

Here after our introduction to Abigail. I sincerely hope your flying days are behind you now ❤️

[@ellenorbjornsdottir1166]

Flying?

[@voidinheritant]

@@ellenorbjornsdottir1166 did u not watch

[@honeybhingful]

Recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder months ago but still in disbelief because I figured "other people have it worse", "my problems are not that even heavy to begin with", "maybe i'm just being dramatic", etc. only to realize (upon finishing the video) that I've been in "flyby missions" many times , I practically don't notice anymore that I've been a Cosmonaut for such a long time. Sobbing and shaking as the credits rolled. Turns out I really am tired pretending to be happy. Tonight, I acknowledge this pain, this sadness. The sun will shine in the morning as I sit in the cockpit. I will, sooner or later, return to Earth.

[@toppersundquist]

The entire discussion re: depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts with my doctor. Doc: "Do you still have hobbies?" Me: "Well, yeah, I guess, sometimes." Doc: "Do you still go to work?" Me: "Of course." Doc: "You're fine."

[@Rikorage]

Do you have work to go to? Does that work treat you like a functioning part of it, or a wart it can't afford to get rid of? I've never found a place of work I can function as part of it, because I tend not to lie about the reality of the situation I'm in to myself, or to the customers I'm tasked to serve. Guess lying makes you a terrible worker. Guess that's why I can't hold a job ever.

[@tomwaitsmencse]

Severely depressed people cannot get out of bed. They cannot maintain employment or relationships. They are evaluating the severity of your illness. It’s not really a physicians job to force you to be happy. Depression can be due to multiple reasons obviously, but the vast majority of people need purpose, better interpersonal relationships, and better diet/exercise.

[@tomchatwood7846]

@@tomwaitsmencse high functional severe depression? Just think a little before you comment man.

[@tomwaitsmencse]

Tom Chatwood huh? You mean major depression? Have you ever worked on a psych unit?

[@l337dta]

@@tomwaitsmencse Your arrogance in the face of the vulnerability of the OP and the obvious failure of the phrase "you're fine" to deal with suicidal ideation makes me think that IF you work on a psych unit, you're part of the problem.

[@angel-gu8co]

when i went to the hospital for suicidal ideation, they just put me in a literal cell, and had me sit there uncomfortable in a hospital gown for three hours and then told me to buy some melatonin for my sleep problems and had me leave. needless to say i'm cured

[@tonksndante4809]

Don’t forget to add the Wow Thanks! to that curing. Hope you’re managing okay now. I also experienced something similar, except through masking my depression and being made to constantly convince professionals of my mental state. I hope life treats you better these days ❤️

[@danilarsson8685]

A friend of mine went to the ER once when he was in crisis, and they told him that was what they wanted to do, because it was either do that or discharge him. His coping mechanism is to find ways to distract himself from the noise in his head, and they wanted to put him in a room in a hospital gown with no distractions. He told them "fuck you very much" and left. He's still around, thankfully, but I really wish the medical board's response to suicide attempts would get a complete overhaul.

[@RagnarokLoki2012]

Honestly, when I think of hurting myself, I think of the weekend I spent in a psych ward a half dozen years ago. Not because I learned anything, but because it was the worst thing I'd been through since the end of my being trapped in an abusive relatuonship with my parents. Life doesn't really get any better, but at least I can have basic rights and not have food that was cooked a week ago. I think what care taught me was that those thoughts were punishable, and that I needed to do whatever I could to make them quieter because nothing good happens when you tell people you want to do that to yourself.

[@PokehTurtle]

@@RagnarokLoki2012 I feel this exactly right now. I want to go somewhere but I know there's a real possibility of being sent to that hell hole again. It was probably the worst days of my life

[@peteroselador6132]

I’m a queer autistic cosmonaut. I’m talked over by society on multiple different fronts. I put off my first watch of this for a long time, but thank you Abi for making this video. My days in the trenches are almost gone, as therapy seems to have a positive impact on my life, as well as my situation begins to improve, but I needed to see this. I don’t feel as alone anymore. Thank you.

[@salmon4869]

hi from another queer autistic cosmonaut :)

[@vicg2652]

My boyfriend, who I love so much it physically hurts, has attempted suicide multiple times. I know you’re in a better place now, but I just want to hug you so badly watching this because it’s the only thing I know how to do. This helped me so much to understand where his head is at. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this, Abi.

[@jenm1]

I hope he and you are okay. It can be exhausting to care about a suîcidal person. Hope you can find time to appreciate yourself

[@ardencollins7337]

When he said “I understand you” I completely broke down. I sobbed for a long time, because this was the first time someone had ever said to me, I understand what you’re going through. I saw in olly the same pain and darkness that lives inside me, and that I carry every day. To be understood is the most powerful thing someone can experience Edit: thank you for all the love, and a sincere thank you to everyone who gave me messages of love and understanding.

[@malevolentntt8155]

Arden Collins isn’t it crazy, how little this is understood: Sometimes there is no answer, yet we listen, and that is an answer by it self. Modern man is quick to reach for answers, forgetting that before there were any answers there was a way forward

[@faux3113]

For me it was the part where Ollie was talking about how when he feels suicidal he pretends to be a soviet era cosmonaut. It showed that even the most childish ideas can be the most soothing and comforting.

[@caitlin2701]

Had the exact same reaction

[@lazlovalentin8015]

Come on!

[@pirateFinn]

Same, but since end of Act 1. Just in tears with how I felt it too, even when surrounded by loved ones.

[@anarchozoe]

I've been suicidal since I was a child. I related strongly, especially about the awful combination of toxic masculinity and English emotional repression. David Foster Wallace wrote my fav description of being suicidal. He killed himself in 2008. "The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." (David Foster Wallace 2008, 696-7)

[@Catmomila]

Yes....

[@Usalama42]

[@skrowetortio3621]

I'm glad Ollie opened his soul for this amazing piece of art. Mistreatment justified by misunderstandings is all-too-often the cause of the burning building. We cannot hope to understand everything around us, nor can we be expected to. Perhaps the world would be better if we taught our children that they will never understand everything, rather than the education most of us receive where we're looked at negatively for questioning authority or punished for coming up with a different answer. I think we, as a society, encourage a belief that we are the only right and that the wrong must be punished. And I think that line of beliefs is mentally unwell. No one would ever desire to be treated as though they are completely invalid. Thank you, too, for your openness, anarchopac!

[@katb1145]

This makes it so crystal clear.

[@ryodavis5337]

His description of depression in The Depressed Person was also incredibly piercing: "If the therapist *really* wanted the truth, the depressed person had finally shared from a hunched and near-fetal position beneath the sunburst clock, sobbing uncontrollably, the depressed person *really* felt that what was *really* unfair was that she was unable, even with the trusted and admittedly compassionate therapist, to communicate her depression's terrible and unceasing agony *itself*, agony which was the overriding and a priori reality of her every waking minute--i.e., not being able to share the way it *felt*, what it actually *felt* like for the depressed person to be literally unable to *share* it, as for example if her very life depended on describing the sun but she were allowed to point only to shadows on the ground."

[@ericherman5413]

Abigail... as a minister, as a transman, and as someone who attempted suicide twice in life, I want to say some things to you. First, (even though I know you aren't a believer) may God bless you always. Your life has value, purpose, meaning, and is needed, and you need not believe in God to believe that. Second, thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to be vulnerable, to be honest, and to be creative in how you present that so it might reach someone in a way others did not. Third, I love you. We don't know each other but that doesn't matter. You are a fellow human being with a soul of light, and my love as a person who understands more than most what it is to live as a transgender person with a difficult past is unconditional and offered freely. It sounds stalkerish--so sorry! It isn't meant to. Please keep working toward being your best self. Never give up. I won't if you won't. Sending you peace and healing light as you continue to grow.

[@gracemannion5315]

aw this is so sweet and wholesome. You are an amazing human being.

[@HadalStreetlights]

inb4 dipshits come here to trash your references to god. this is the type of attitude i wish was more common, and im glad people with it are being open and up front with it. if more christians acted like this, i would be overjoyed.

[@prestonbruchmiller497]

I also am not a believer and as a gender non comforting trans enby I’ve had some bad experiences with Christians who use their belief as a cudgel but it always warms my heart when people share blessings of love and compassion through their faith. I’m sure that you are a blessing to all the members of your flock and I hope they are able follow your example of acceptance and compassion.

[@AffirmativeArtsOnTheRoad]

It is the height of arrogance and disrespect to shove your fairytale dogma "down someone's throat" when you think they are vulnerable! Shame on you Eric! Abuse OFTEN comes in the form of fake help.

[@roslynsuddards2870]

On Good Friday, twelve minutes and twenty four seconds into this video I stopped and made a call. That call pulled someone out of the depths of loneliness. Thank you Abigail.

[@matheno9494]

"toxic masculinity's a hell of a ship to pilot when you're suffering" I've never been depressed, but I know that this is all too true.

[@Wesker10000]

I kinda wish I was more like the idealized toxic masculine man. I'm a weak man myself, and wish I was better at following the expectation that 'men are strong.'

[@Wesker10000]

@@ethanzhao6544 Exactly. And I wish I were more like that idealized expectation. I bet it would be much nicer than being a weak pushover.

[@EZboyrocks]

Hogwire that’s not a good way of thinking mate. These structures are just that: structures. They are arbitrary and completely dictated by custom and culture. I would invite you to accept yourself as who you are, a perfectly normal man.

[@Wesker10000]

@@EZboyrocks I don't care if they are arbitrary, or who dictates what. What I know is that I do not like being bullied, and I don't like feeling vulnerable or defenselessness because its easy for me to be a pushover. Therefore if I was stronger/was able to not be so emotional all the time I would not be such a pushover. All the philosophy or social theory in the world doesn't change the fact that the world and the people in it can be very cruel.

[@Wesker10000]

@EZboyrocks Oh as an addendum I will add though: I would definitely like to leave behind the 'treating women as sex objects' part that comes with toxic masculinity. Much as I would like to be a big strong badass, raping and domestic violence is inexcusable, just so I'm clear.

[@eliwatson7936]

“Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly” business as normal then

[@Tabby3456]

Sigmund thought wrong? Every 60 Seconds in africa a minute passes? euha??

[@rauldjvp3053]

He changed his stance on homosexuality, as mentioned in the video.

[@user-cw3yc3yk3h]

In one of my shitty college apartment buildings one of the other apartments had a sign that said “we do not support Sigmund Freud in this household” and to this day my only regret is not befriending them

[@user-tk8bk9ww9q]

If that guy went to a freudian psychoanalyst he wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

[@SahilMakhijani]

I've spent a good amount of time as a "cosmonaut" and the feelings of loneliness & hopelessness can be debilitating. This video is therapeutic. Much love, Abi ❤️

[@SahilMakhijani]

Seriously, I've spent months at a time wondering if I'd ever find my way out of the dark unknown. Trying to find someone who understands is especially difficult given my social anxiety. Thank you for putting yourself out there for our benefit. May your next voyage bring you closer to home

[@sharonloisandbramstoker]

"It's no measure of (mental) health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti

[@angelussanti8332]

James Hillman "Suicide and the soul". "Re-visioning psychology" It will helps to understand why monotheistic material people are barbarians.

[@keerthilanka9039]

this is so profound

[@justamoteofdust]

@@keerthilanka9039 search _The Seer Who Walks Alone_ on here! Thank me later!

[@aboz8649]

This particular comment hit me in my heart

[@shahsadsaadu5817]

Isn't that a quote from the poem "the nutritionist"?

[@rosewomelsdorf]

"I function. Like a machine." "It's kind of always there...?" I understand how you feel.

[@Zoabdy]

I had to be told "most people don't think about killing themselves". I genuinely didn't know...

[@komlat253]

High functioning depression. Yea more community in like Asia .im just a lazy cuz that just wants to chill in the sun on a beach and talk with people i love ..i think the best cure for anything is just having the right people at the right distance to u ...people dont get depressed or suicidal for nothing but if they have the right support of people then they will slowly recover. Its not about them having a problem in their mind but its pretty obvious that the default position is not perpetual sorrow or suicidal thoughts, atleast i hope not. People usally want to be happy, so lets figure it out together

[@Junebug89]

I didn't experience the machine part, but I definitely get it always being there. I knew what he was going to say before he said it - "almost every day".

[@Sojorlos]

Girl. I must say. This video saved my life five years ago. I recently passed this to a friend so it can help her too.

[@tonycampbell1424]

I was looking up the best (least painful, I guess?) methods and actively ignoring the hotline numbers when the KZbin notification popped up for this video. Probably it's the only reason I made it back to Earth. I'm glad I did. Glad you did too.

[@Ivel1oss]

​@@tonycampbell1424same. Ironic all enough, the best method I found makes you look kinda like a cosmonaut

[@MrJasonmay69]

Abigail, I'm only a recent subscriber, having been introduced to you by my son. We watched this together, as we make our way through all your earlier content, and we were both moved and encouraged by your vulnerability and candor. You help us look at things with fresh eyes. Thank you.

[@HeartFeathers]

I've never wanted to hug a stranger more than I do now

[@dawnarnett]

Agreed. All the hugs to Ollie.

[@drgnlady13]

I can barely hug my family, but I feel the same way.

[@jackfolla3517]

I was thinking the same!

[@bobthornton9730]

Watching this after your transition and after a really rough period in my own life. Thank you Abigail.

[@booksandbigideas8720]

Me too ❤️

[@merzbowbb]

RIP DOOM

[@kittenishkitten]

Same. The first video I watched was the transition coming out video. And now I’m going through them all. I am falling in love with Abigail in the way someone falls in love with a writer or poet (I hope that makes sense). I am very glad she was able to make this video.

[@Coffeeisnecessarynowpepper]

I am glad I didn’t kill myself until after I saw Abigail transition ❤️❤️❤️

[@jackielearnsandteaches]

Me too. I’ve watched this many times, and I share it when I can. Because you’re right, empathy is the most important and powerful force we have. “I understand how you feel” can change lives. It can save a life.

[@NjiHyga02]

Her voice breaking in that "I understand how you feel." That really says it all, doesn't it?

[@WodaCorkaTkaczki]

I'm not a astronaut myself, just experienced some space travel idiations and had some autocanibalistic experiences. I, too saved this video for later, again and again. Never have I ever cry so deeply because of stranger's confessions and this "I understand how you feel" declaration made me cry profusely from the core of my being and made me release this long held back scream, as if my own declaration of pain and struggle. All of those comments, and realisation, that though in different time and space, we all cried together, made this massive emotional release even more powerful. Thank you Abby. Thank all of you, beautiful people in the comments.

[@Ishamael1983]

From one teary-eyed cosmonaut to another: Thank you.

[@bainbonic]

How're you holding up, rocket man? I hope you managed to land.

[@peri5966]

*Is this a freemartin joke?*

[@meanberryy]

When you joked about the fork I straight up started to cry. Becouse telling jokes is what I always do when I get suicidal. Becouse if I can get my self to genuine laughter, no matter how great my selfhatred are for thoose few seconds I laugh my ideal self shuts up and nothing other than joy fills my mind. Even if it's only for a few seconds even if everything comes back the second the laugh is over, it's worth so fucking much.

[@alanfennell4833]

I hope you are doing well. After reading your comment I realized that I do the same thing at times. It's strange the things our minds use to cope with the stress.

[@laurelgardner]

Same.

[@Timmering]

❤️❤️

[@tabbygale5430]

I have that knife, with the fork and the spoon that detach from each other. I used it too. To see someone laughing, and making that point about the dark humor of eating yourself with it... It brings a little light to my own history. It heled me to laugh and cry, and I needed that. Thank you.

[@Lady-Y]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="1684">28:04</a> ...speaking as a trans woman -- who won't be able to come out for a very long, because of a very long and endless list of other intersectional issues -- I cannot articulate enough how much this part affected me. I literally do not have a single corporeal outlet for my identity in my environment, and in the past that sent me down a very dark spiral. Whenever I've told people I once attempted suicide, the only response I ever get is people trying to irrationalize me or counter-argue me. Never has someone responded by asking *_"what made you want to do it?"_* I did not think I would be as deeply moved by this video as I was; not because of coldness or indifference, but because I am so used to harsh realities that at this point they no longer phase me. Speaking as a woman who literally hasn't had a good cry in maybe 4 years... when you said that at <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="1684">28:04</a>, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I have never received genuine empathy from a single person I have ever told about my experience of wanting to end my life... but, like you said, even that phrase isn't really accurate. I didn't *_WANT_* to end my life. I'm of the serious belief that nobody actually *_WANTS_* to end their life. I don't think the jews in Masada killed themselves because they wanted to, but because what they wanted (freedom) was impossible. I don't think slaves who jumped off ships during the slave trade killed themselves because they wanted to, but because what they wanted (freedom) was at that time impossible. I don't think Akira Kurosawa tried to kill himself because he wanted to, but because he believed what he wanted (to make movies) was impossible... I didn't try to end my life because I wanted to... but because I believed what I wanted was impossible. I now know that it is... but it's just presently so out of reach. That's what I think drives people to consider suicide; placing opportunities further away, and gatekeeping or restricting them to the point of rendering them an "impossibility" for certain people who want them. I don't claim to know this for sure, I just claim to have experience. Because of that, I've been able to do what you've done through this video; I've been able to talk quite a few people out of committing suicide, not from a place of counterargument but from a place of empathy... Which is why, if anybody reading this is considering killing themselves, I just want YOU to know... that I understand. And, without trying to sound condescending, I also understand the part you haven't experienced yet. Had I killed myself when I was 17, there are so many things I would have never known about myself: I would have never known that I get butterflies around nice men. I would have never known that I'm a woman. I would have never known that I want to write music. Had I died, having lived my whole life, never knowing those things... I would have regretted it for the rest of my afterlife, if there is one. It's for that reason I'm glad I didn't go through with it. Because another thing I didn't know, back then, was that there's an other side of this journey. Even though I don't have a lot of what I want yet, I do know that. And I also know what I want is not impossible. And so I implore you, for the sake of the person you don't know you are yet, to protect that person. Because they are counting on you. The same way I know she is counting on me; and has been, since even before I knew she was there. So please protect that person inside of you. Because there's only one of them, and it's a good one. And it's beautiful. And, in the entire history of the universe, there will never be another one. So please try to take care of them. ❤XOXO ~~Natasha

[@weast4421]

❤

[@myyoutubeaccount1493]

this is old but thank you for this

[@Lady-Y]

@@myyoutubeaccount1493 glad I could help

[@grzegorznapkine4073]

The cosmonaut in his spacecraft is the best metaphor for depression in general that I have ever heard.

[@dangreen3868]

I remember when in middle school, I had a time when I got so depressed that I just stopped functioning. I didn't see the point. why keep on living this pointless life where nothing is fun anymore. I was going through a lot and repressing it all cause I rightly assumed my parents would find it silly, and one day I just, shut down, for weeks. I refused to leave my room and just cried for days. And the thing that sticks with me about that experience was the way I got out of it. I went to a school meeting to try and figure out how I could make up all the missing schoolwork, and my mental health wasn't brought into question at all. all these adults sitting and talking about my schoolwork didn't think to ask me how I was feeling. then, I went home and listened to some random music on the computer cause that was all I could manage, and the song "it's on us" by AJR came on. and I started crying. cause it was exactly what I needed to hear. so I decided I was gonna be ok, and not a single one of the adults responsible for my well-being even influenced that. they were too busy worrying about my grades to realize that I wasn't doing ok for a reason. a fucking song showed me more compassion and respect than every adult in my life at the time. and my parents wonder why I hate school, and why I'm so mad at this fucking world we live in. If you're reading this, and you've been failed by the people in your life because of this shitty system, I see you. I get it. I feel your anger. and your life is worth so much more than your grades.

[@juliadandy6019]

I am so glad you were able to find that, even if through song and not the support of the adults that should have been responsible. I struggled a lot in middle school also, your message really resonated. Looking back I think most of the adults in my life couldn't even contemplate someone so young being in such a bad shape mentally and emotionally. I am very thankfull to have survived through those times.

[@syrine3935]

@@juliadandy6019 i got my sat exam results today and i failed. And the idea of welp guess im bound to be a failure in life and if im bound to be a failure then what's the point of existence. Hearing you say that grades don't matter actually helps tremendously

[@Rafael-nq2ob]

i cried while reading this comment. it’s been hard trying to maintain my school-related responsibilities at home (online classes and such aren’t easy), specially during a pandemic in a country that just seems to get worse and worse (brazil). i have anxiety issues and i might be showing signs of depression. my parents also wouldn’t get me. it’s genuinely great knowing that i’m not the only one that has gone/is going through shit like this. thanks a lot

[@Acidpunk101]

When I was a kid growing up, music was the escape. That's the only thing that had no judgments. You know, you put on a record, and it's not going to yell at you for dressing the way you do. It's going to make you feel better about it. - Marylin Manson

[@gilgarical9860]

Thank you, that really hit home. It's been a while since I cried for my middle school self but here I am again. Thank you for letting me know I wasn't alone.

[@KierTheScrivener]

"What happens if you try end survive" that haunts me as a survivor. Thank you

[@Overquoted]

Depression for me is more akin to walking through a dim, cloud-covered bog. There's no other people, no noise, nothing ever changes. It's a constant, dark and desolate place. Thick, muddy water is up to my knees, or my hips. My feet sink into the mud at the bottom. And I'm wearing long, heavy skirts that drag on every movement. Behind me, there's a monster. Always stalking me, never speeding up or slowing down. The bog is endless and I'll never get out. I can't stop moving or the monster will catch up. But moving takes so much energy and I'm getting nowhere. I'm not scared of what's behind me. I don't feel anything but tiredness. The only reason I don't stop moving is because my grandmother has lost two children (including my mother) to suicide. And I'm not that cruel.

[@The_fusion_physics_guy]

I felt like this during a particularly long depressive episode I had a almost a decade ago now. The numbness and exhaustion is really different, to the point I didn't even realize I was depressed until halfway through it. Are you doing okay? It helped me to talk to a friend in a very loose, "we can talk about anything you want" kind of way, where I would just go on and on about things that were frustrating to me and they would just listen well and say "yeah that does suck, I don't have the answers". I've found that dynamic again in therapy, and it's really a bright spot in the fog. I hope you escape the bog, or become stronger so it's not so hard to walk through the waters. I believe in you.

[@Overquoted]

@@The_fusion_physics_guy- My grandmother died not long after that comment. I did not do so well during her illness. But, the whole thing finally got bad enough that I had to figure it out. I'm on meds now. Doing better most of the time. Glad you found improvement, too. :)

[@hannahledgerwood7715]

My dad killed himself earlier this year, and he had been planning to kill himself for a few days before, according to his note. I've found a lot of comfort in knowing that he wanted to leave us because then it wasn't a mistake. If he chose to leave us, then he had decided that the world was too difficult and he couldn't fight anymore. And I prefer it being an active choice he made because then I know it wasn't an accident, and I know my time with him was meant to end. I know it seems backwards, yet it has given me a lot of comfort.

[@spookyho5994]

I’m so sorry

[@arich20]

Mine too.

[@DUWANGlai_kangyi]

We all have different ways of coping, and yours in no less valid. We are ambivalent, contradictory beings after all. We find comfort in what we know either isn't right, real or true, but we have to because otherwise the absolute pointlessness of it all will overwhelm us and drive us insane.

[@thatcutenerdgirl6090]

I’m so sorry for your loss

[@DavidLindes]

Thank you for sharing this, Hannah. And for being understanding. Sincere condolences for your loss.

[@mydoggotshavedtoday]

This came at the perfect time for me. I am in studying philosophy at (a well known "good" university) [redacted], and I told a counselor at [redacted] that I had been having suicidal thoughts. The result? Police and EMS showing up at my apartment in Brooklyn that night. Police and EMS tackling me, handcuffing me, pushing my face into the couch and pulling out tasers; all while my boyfriend watched horrified. I was home and I was in no imminent danger. They treated me like I was being arrested. I was strapped me down to a gurney, and they refused even then to loosen the handcuffs or take them off. I still have nerve damage in my left hand. Before driving off I asked if my boyfriend could ride with me, they refused. I asked for my phone, they told me "you won't need that where you're going". The police told me they would tell my boyfriend what hospital to go to and what to bring me (you can bring food, clothes, books, etc), they lied. They actually told him to stay home, that he could visit during visiting hours, and not to bring anything. During the ride to the hospital the EMS driver told me I could have avoided all of this if I had told them why they were at my apartment. Even though he had told me not even 10 minutes ago that they had to taker me either way. They also told me that I "bought a one way ticket to ____" instead of a private hospital. I think they provoke people as an excuse to, basically, brutally arrest them. I was then taken to the worst psych ward in Brooklyn, and held against my will for 3 nights. Not only against my own will, but also against the wishes of my immediate family and my boyfriend (who I live with). In the psych ward I was lied to and treated as less than human. It has to be the most traumatizing thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw and experienced so many disturbing and completely heart breaking things. The psych ward is NOT the place for a depressed person. Actually, it isn't the place for anyone. They DO NOT help you there. They did not even know why I was there until I had 24 hours had already passed. I asked multiple times and got told several reiterations of: "That isn't how the psych ward works. once you are here you are here; and if you are here, it is for a reason". I was told multiple times I would get to go home soon. First it was in 2-3 hours you can leave. Then the first psychiatrist said, tomorrow late afternoon after you speak with a social worker you can leave. The social worker did try to discharge me. Only to have a new psychiatrist who "spoke" with me for maybe 2 minutes tell me she wanted to put me on extended watch. I say "spoke" because she really just listened to me talk with a social worker. On night two I asked for water- and the nurses argued and yelled at each other in front of me, because they were both too lazy to get up out of their desks. They attempted to give me a MEDICINE CUP size portion of water, because that is what would fit under the glass barrier. You know, so they wouldn't have to stand up and leave their office enclosure to hand me water. That is how everything works. The nurses sit in an office surrounded by glass and you have to ask them for everything. Phone use, water, food, clothing, personal hygiene supplies. They would often be irritated at you for asking. Sometimes I even got no verbal response just a hand. This is bad enough for me to have to experience, but there were people there that were in very delicate mental states. People that really NEEDED help, and proper medication- they were treated as prisoners. I can not stress enough how terrible the treatment is. The meals were prison food, and since I am vegan I basically starved. Even if I were not vegan, everything had weird additives. For example the peanut butter had sugar in it along with fully hydrogenated oils. Under NY state law psych wards are legally supposed to give patients nutritionally balanced meals and comply with dietary restrictions, they don't though. Also in NY all hospitals have a legal department and they denied me my right for legal consult multiple times. The psych ward is basically a prison. The worst part is that you realize quite quickly (if you are smart) that the only way to be released is to play along and fully corporate. That means; when the nurses refuse you your right to the phone, or when your roommate pees on the floor and they won't send for a cleaning person. You smile and nod. Anything else. Any emotion or anything besides complacency and you just bought yourself an extra night. This is only some of what happened. If anyone would like to talk more about the experiences I had in a Brooklyn city hospital psych war, please contact me. I want to share my story. TLDR: The biggest take away from this experience for me is the horrific realization that the US uses involuntary commitment as a way to lock up people with mental illness. It is a way to imprison people who have not committed a crime but are, for whatever reason, a liability or an inconvenience to the state or the people around them. Oh and that someone has to pay for all this. The person being involuntarily committed gets the bill for the hospitalization and the ambulance ride. Interesting isn't it. That I had to pay for the ambulance ride I did not consent to, where I was physically and verbally abused.. For having depression.

[@nelsonth]

That sounds calculated to make someone even more suicidal. Truly disturbing. I really hope you are able to bring wider attention to it. I don't really have a stake in your living/dying as a stranger, but for what's it's worth, I won't judge you for your thoughts, your choices. Thank you.

[@celinak5062]

Write an editorial or a book, something so there might be a possibility of public outcry. The media at least can be useful in this way.

[@Rynewulf]

Ditto on Celina K's editorial/book idea: that scenario sounds like a literal horror movie, and people do respond to abuses by the law and the state. I hope you manage to get things sorted

[@dannyg1392]

Jesus. I agree with the others - you are a solid writer and shoukd write a scathing expose! Some leftist / left leaning webiste would likely publish it.

[@chiaraconsoli100]

Holy shit, this happened in Brooklyn out of all places?! I live there. You should contact your local representatives and publish an expose. I expected that NY, of all places, would better protect their mentally ill patients. This is truly unacceptable. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm very sorry for what you've gone through.

[@BrunoMGA1]

In 10 years, this might be the 5th time i drop a comment on ayoutube video. I am extremely ill, i do not want to be subjected to the treatments as i am a grown man with no kids nor wife, im am currently drifting in space. I have been preparing my family so that its not a secret, and what you say in the end is exactly it. Thank you abby❤

[@achimwolters1695]

please, stay with us.

[@_modnar_]

To make your journey out there is ok. The way back feels good. Landing on earth is amazing. Keep safe, wherever you are

[@ambershaw1324]

This whole vid hits differently now, only if this vision of you Abby could see you now.

[@o0Avalon0o]

*I've retired from space travel for about a year now.* Therapy was too expensive, so I just recorded myself asking questions, played it back, & talked to myself. It might or might not work for others but I saw a sci show psych episode about it, so I thought I could try. Researching psychological journals gave me the ideas but I did have to make up the question myself. My life isn't perfect, but it's mine, & I deserve the chance to make it better.

[@bainbonic]

It really makes me happy to see somebody be able to come back down to Earth for good. You're an inspiration.

[@mathildavere8966]

As a 'cosmonaut' I consider myself permanently retired as of about two months back. I did get some NHS help that was really useful.

[@DarkMoonDroid]

Brill.

[@crystaljams1211]

Mr. Not Good Enough always tells me all the reasons I shouldn't comment on things. I don't feel like listening to them today, thanks for making this.

[@fomps9714]

This was so retable. Thank you so much for being brave enough, this literally helped me so much just by seeing that you still did it.

[@natalyn139]

it’s been a few months since you said this, so i hope mr. not good enough is still minding his own business and keeping his unneeded and unwarranted opinions to himself

[@clairemckinley691]

Probably not many people will see this but I feel I need to put this out there. I’ve been feeling quite suicidal for the past few months now but the last few days it’s really come to a head and I’m doing everything I can to stay alive but it feels like a losing battle. My first suicide attempt was at age 8 and I haven’t properly attempted since then but I’m worried that I might soon, so I came back to this video because I’ve watched it a number of times but never at a time when I was actively contemplating suicide. I really needed to hear someone talk about about suicide sometimes feeling like a rational response because that’s how I feel right now. At 8 years old I was dealing with the consequences of having undiagnosed autism and terrible obsessional ocd intrusive thoughts and feeling incredibly socially isolated and having absolutely no idea how to cope with any of the things that were going on in my life. It was all so painful and there was no end in sight to the pain so trying to drown myself in the bath felt like a rational reasonable escape. Now I’m 21 and dealing with the fallout of my parents incredibly messy divorce and reckoning with the massive changes and upheavals to my life that’s bringing that I’m absolutely not equipped to deal with, especially with my autistic inability to cope with change. I’ve been dealing with gender issues that I’ve mostly been repressing for the past 6 years but my dysphoria is getting really bad at the moment and I feel that I can’t go on anymore living as a woman. But my conceptions of my gender are such that I don’t really think transitioning would entirely solve my gender troubles either, because so much of them are caused by the mere existence of gender in society and how my body and appearance and actions are perceived and scrutinised and judgements made about my gender based on them. I’ve been thrust into a leadership position at university where I’m responsible for the well-being of all the queer kids on campus and I absolutely do not have the functioning capabilities to handle all that. I’m also physically disabled and dealing with a lot of absolutely terrible chronic pain; I had to quit my job a month ago because my body was in such poor health that I couldn’t physically work there any longer. I’m trying to access the disability insurance scheme and disability pension in my country but there’s so much paperwork required and it’s completely overwhelming and exhausting and I have no idea how I’m meant to be doing this. My friendships all pretty much fell apart during quarantine and even the friends I still have have difficulties because so many of them are dealing with their own mental health or interpersonal issues that I’m not able to get the support from them that I need. And to top it all off my pet lizard who was my number one ultimate comfort and best friend died last year so I’ve been dealing with all this without him. Watching this video has stopped me from doing anything bad tonight and so I guess I’ll keep coming back to this as often as I need. Hang in there everyone, I still try and believe that even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. I’m gonna make it through this year if it kills me. All these platitudes stay in my head keeping me here for a little longer and I promise I’m really really trying

[@rajkimo]

Hi. Please, stay with us, will you? I am still shaking from watching this video for the first time today. And I am not a cosmonaut. So I can't understand what you're going through. I would like to be able to tell you I understand but I don't. And I feel powerless because I can only write f*cking platitudes. Hang in there. Please?

[@duncanbug]

I was suicidal 2 times by the time I was your age and I’m also gay and neurodivergent. By the time I was 18 my dad was on his 3rd marriage. I’m in my late 20s now finishing university finally feeling in control. Just know that you’ll be amazing at what you do. You are needed in this world. Please take on as little as possible right now. Maybe less classes or not involving yourself as much in the leadership role. Your mortality is more important. Stay strong! I know it sucks but I just wanted to post this since there’s always someone out there with a slightly shared experience.

[@rifrafe1]

Your analogy just saved my life 3 minutes ago. I can’t thank you enough, Abigail. I get to live and go perform and celebrate the world! ❤

[@meowmix26]

[@isabelkloberdanz6329]

I hope you’re doing better now

[@rifrafe1]

@@isabelkloberdanz6329 still here and doing much better. Thanks for checking in. ^_^

[@isabelkloberdanz6329]

@@rifrafe1 Yay I’m happy for you 😁

[@aname4141]

For most of the video, I thought Ollie was acting, and even when I realized he wasn't(when he showed the knife), It was unsettling, sure, but I still failed to empathize. What did reached me was the "I understand" line. My eyes actually watered and I became shaky because that's the closest I've felt to being understood by someone when talking on the issue. The most authentic "I understand" came from the speakers of a computer that displays a video that was recorded and edited by an actor who lives a continent away and has never heard or seen me or even knows of my individual existence. It was like I finally felt comfortable breaking down in front of a person, even if said persons only exists within the universe of discourse of this video and the person who created the former does not even know me, that I felt confident could understand and wouldn't brush it aside with whatever explanation they come up first. Thank you, Oliver!

[@aruvirk587]

Hey, I just want to say, I understand too.

[@DragonNexus]

6 months on from your comment and I want to say I had the same experience. I hope you're doing well. I understand what you're going through.

[@suddenlysarablog]

As a fellow cosmonaut, I knew the moment he started tearing up the first time. I recognize the lump in the throat and the glassiness of his eyes that I myself get whenever I verge a LITTLE too close to this topic, and the memory of the pain comes flooding back with it. I understand...

[@Cha-he9ch]

I like you screen people, and I understand too.. from my spacecraft to yours.

[@hellionshark3197]

Heeey we may all be pixel people here, but we are real, somewere. Let's do this damn mission and come back safely, okay, comrades?

[@MCArt25]

“There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Deciding whether or not life is worth living is to answer the fundamental question in philosophy. All other questions follow from that” -- Albert Camus

[@emersonpage5384]

Important to note: he concludes that life *is* worth living.

[@tonycampbell1424]

@@emersonpage5384 Thanks.

[@JediMimic]

I'll take a coffee instead thanks

[@Solnai42]

This also came to my mind while watching. The Myth of Sisyphus is worth reading in its entirety, but in short his conclusion is this (paraphrased): Suicide is not an answer to the great questions of the world. Or the meaninglessness, cruelty, and difficulty. It is an escape from those questions. To live, knowing that there is no reason to, and finding meaning in your life regardless, is the best way to confront the absurdity of the universe.

[@ClarityTheParody]

Revisiting this after her coming out video 🏳️‍⚧️💕and at <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="1290">21:30</a> when she says “I’m a man, I’m English, so repression is part of it” I was like ooooof 💔

[@malachikey3531]

Abigail, thank you so much for everything you do. These works are deeply personal and touching, and most importantly due to the beauty of the internet, they are here to stay. When I first watched the Cosmonaut video, it was emotional and powerful because I had been there before, but it wasn't relevant in the moment. Tonight I watched it again at the end of a day where I felt more alone in the world than I had in many many years. Where the pain of being alone and the voices in my head overwhelmed me so much that I could feel that desire to step out into the vacuum coming back after years and years. It scared the shit out of me, but somehow I found my way back here. I had a good cry, and you reminded me that there is help out there. I'm going to call one of those help lines, play with my pet rats for a little while, then put on a brave face and keep flying. The mission continues

[@Magemorrison_]

god bless

[@thebard8048]

I'm not cosmonaut, but I have many friends up there in space, and I would just like to thank you for helping me discover ways to send a transmission

[@sebastianschumann4744]

Same.. i hope both will reach the next year

[@sebastianschumann4744]

They are 13 goddammit

[@sebastianschumann4744]

Dammit they are too joung

[@sebastianschumann4744]

Everyone is too joung for this

[@harlowe8691]

hearing "I understand" made me cry for the first time in a long time and I don't even know how to explain how I feel but it's just nice to feel like I'm being talked to and not talked over or talked around.

[@kristalcampbell3650]

I literally just finished crying in the pantry so my kid didn't hear me which I'm laughing about because I just got caught and yesterday we learned about how cellular breakdown in onions makes you cry when you chop them so I blamed the onions and he said "onions are rude". Life is strange. I hope you're ok now.

[@jonchristner7384]

I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for close to 15 years. And this video does help. I just wish that I had someone to actually talk to about it. I’ve been suffering alone for almost the entire time.

[@albahaze]

I'm here if you want to talk.

[@tonycampbell1424]

I don't know if it helps at all, but just . . . Let someone know. Someone knowing, even if not a word passes between you about it, where you are and how you feel . . . It makes a difference. It did for me, anyway. Someone in my life had the sense to see what was wrong and I guess the social impropriety to just get me alone and say it. Not as an accusation, just a simple statement. "I see you. You're right where your mother was. If you need something, please tell me." That was what I needed, grandma. I never have figured out how to thank her.

[@apocalyps3966]

I've just rewatched this for the third time, im seventeen and probably not doing too well at the moment mentally, a myriad of personal factors have fallen together at just the wrong time. I dont really have the correct words right now. Theyre just kind of all jumbled in my head, like theyre all just there, but i just wanted to say thank you. I will never be able to know the impact this video has had on my life or will have on my life. But i can safely say that it has helped more than i can express. Deeply and sincerely, Thank You

[@tonycampbell1424]

Come back safe, cosmonaut. We're out here, and we've been there. At least for me, to be has been better than not to be.

[@christianforbes6579]

This is the most powerful, most moving, most important thing I've seen on KZbin. This is a service to humanity. Thank you

[@Ildskalli]

You're absolutely right. This is the single most important, useful, and trascendental video posted to YT. While I'm not, and hopefully will never feel suicidal, I do suffer from depression and can perfectly understand how important it can be to receive a sincere and powerful message like this one at the right time.

[@darkwizard5970]

The words ‘I Understand’ nearly made me cry. I’ve been trying so hard all this time, I’ve been hiding everything to not appear in any way as weak or burden others with my own selfish problems. I can’t even bring myself to seek help and just hearing these words touched something in me

[@zombiecat1851]

Damn bro, that ending song was a sucker punch I was not expecting. I really appreciate it, thanks (Legitimately crying rn)

[@Darkfusion280]

Mr. Thorne, I'm an American. The mental health system here is horribly abusive. They put drugs into me for chemical imbalances I didn't have, they isolated me from other students until I was in my late teens. I've been to therapy once every 6 months or so since, only ever to talk to a therapist for a short amount of time and then go back to high functionality. Like you, I am lucky to be high functioning. And like you, I know that being "high functioning" doesn't get rid of the problem. I also study philosophy and music, go figure. From one cosmonaut to the next, hold on tight and make it back to landing. Thank you for making this video. Here's hoping you keep making it back into the atmosphere.

[@agentsmidt3209]

The moment you said you are American, I started weeping like a child. This horror show we call home is the definition of mental illness. Gaslighting ad nauseum, fear mongering, overworked, stressed , no social bonds, paranoia etc... it is a fucking prison.

[@soulcstudios]

Same... Well, similar. Thanks for sharing a glimpse into your experience with the system. I can't. At least right now.

[@cwag9442]

29 years on this earth: I've never been tempted by Death. After the loss of someone I dearly loved one month ago, and the increasing pressure of my career, added with the recent hunt to purchase a home with my husband (one year of marriage next month): I'm showing visible signs of burnout and anxiety mixed with complete and udder nihilism. Death is now a comforting and tempting thought. Then I found this video. Your art is so compassionate. Necessary. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@florette95]

You are not alone. Almost 28, never had a suicidal thought. But two months ago I broke down under the pressure and anxiety from multiple aspects of my life. I don't want to die, but sometimes I don't how to live. I lost someone too, this week, and weirdly it slowed down the thoughts, because it gave me something else to think about. I understand, too. These words mean so much, and everyone should hear it.

[@BothHands1]

Y N I'm not sure if this is really the time for jokes. Or maybe it's the best time for jokes? Idk. But yeah, i caught that too. Udder = cow Utter = complete/absolute Is your username a reference to fanfiction? But anyway, in order to keep my post from being entirely free of anything pertaining to the topic, i really hope the OP feels better. I really think since this is a sudden thing, you'll overcome it, because you have a normal baseline to return to. Like Olly, I've wanted to die since my teens, virtually every waking second of my life. Not just the waking seconds though, i kill myself in my dreams almost every night. It's been consuming me for more than a decade, but somehow i still can't do it. There were times when i was younger when I OD's and needed machines to breathe for me, or when i tried cutting an artery in my leg and severed the skin and the fat layer under it, and some of the nerves, and then a bit of the muscle. But these days it's harder. Except in my dreams, when i really finally work up the guts, i start puking, ironically. But i guess I'm still here. So maybe I'll figure it out soon, either life or death. But i have to figure out at least one of them eventually

[@slimjimshady0]

That cut at <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="1417">23:37</a>, where Abigail has tears running down her cheeks absolutely cut my heart out. I instantly started crying as well. I hope your mental health has continued to get better, Abby.

[@catjuzu]

I have attempted suicide two times. I too understand how you feel. You don't have to be suicidal to understand and you don't have to be ill to think about taking your life. Tank you so much for sharing those feelings and this valuable knowlege.

[@jazrajawbreaker]

it feels like, i didn't get to choose to opt in and now i don't get to choose to opt out. thanks for crying with me, olly.

[@thefenixfamily]

That phrase, that simple sentence, was the first time I've cried in a couple years, last time being my brother's funeral, but this time it wasn't from pain, grief, regret, but from relief. Thank you for sharing with everyone, Oliver.

[@Geekus]

“And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time Til touchdown brings me round again to find -I’m NOT THE MAN they think I am at home- My god has this line taken on such new and beautiful meaning. Abigail is safe on earth at last. (Now, I do know that isn’t a precise reading of the meaning of cosmonaut as Abigail uses it, but given the heartfelt peace and euphoria she expressed in coming out publicly, I am certain that it is very much like coming down from a mission in the cosmonaut sense. I know that trauma may never truly leave, that the risk of being sent off into orbit still exists, but in this time of coming out, Abigail is in a healthy place such that such a launch is very unlikely. In that resolve and joy, I am truly happy for Abigail.)

[@valeon7303]

That quote from Mark and then saying that the author killed themselves... that made me pause the video to take it all in. A quote on the causation of unhappiness and mental distress we face on a daily basis, which rightly questions our approach to everything... And he ends up taking his own life, possibly because those support and questioning systems required to help him didn't exist.

[@TrashHeapCustodian]

This video has saved my life twice, now. Thank you, Abi. Truly.

[@olinke2]

Troggie42 I’m glad you’re still here ❤️

[@tangentialreasoning5438]

I'm glad you're with us comrade. Hang in there.

[@alex.polychronopoulos4487]

God bless

[@TrashHeapCustodian]

KZbin only just now showed me the notification for these comments somehow, thank you friends. :) I'm doing much better these days, still have struggles, but not as many, and not as severe. ♥️

[@alexdelpino2238]

Im glad that you are still here with us. Hope you continue doing better

[@kathHenderson]

The first time I saw this video. September. I was depressed. I didn't understand why. I would learn in 6 months. At that point, I honestly thought I was insane. That I was doing this to myself. I watched this video with my flatmate. I cried hysterically over a bottle of wine. I couldnt stop. I couldnt tell him. I had tried to kill myself twice at that point in my life. Once when I was 17, the second time when I was 20. Both times were derived from anger and frustration, but also sheer loneliness. I'm 28. I found the world intolerable. I couldn't see the point in living. I logically determined that I didn't choose to be here. I had suffered so much. So much more than anyone understood. I didn't want to die. But I resented being alive. This video reminded me I'm not alone. I'm not saying it saved my life. But it clarified so much to me. It allowed me to believe I was not insane for feeling the way I did. I tried to explain to my loved ones so many times that I hated existing, that I couldnt handle being alive. They told me I was unwell. One of the most prescient memories I have is me crying in front of my mother, saying I couldn't handle being here and her screaming back at me "I thought you were better!" I found out in January of this year I had been stalked for 2 years. I dated him. We worked together. He left the company that July. He found out where I lived. September of last year I wanted to die. I was being harassed online. I didn't know. I was being abused and I didn't understand. I hated being alive. I hated existing. I saw this video. You saying "I understand." I bawled. I know you don't understand entirely. I don't know if you've been stalked by an intimate partner. I hope not. I really do. But just hearing that. Made me feel just that little bit less alone. My ex was arrested in January of this year. He found out where I live. He blackmailed people I worked with (after being fired) for information about me. He made fake profile. He used them to harangue and stalk me wherever I went. I went to Paris in November of last year. I sat and listened to your meditation video alone in a hotel room in the middle of Paris during a riot and I was happy. He saw that. He saw my facebook posts. He was convicted. 10 year restraining order. 2 year suspended sentence. I wanted to die. I really did. But I remembered this video. I watched it again. I don't think I've watched this video without crying. I'm still here. I really don't know why I need to tell you this. Hell I dont know if you'll read it. But I need you to know. I went through hell. The worst experience of my life, even before I tried to kill myself twice. And I didnt try again. I have this video to thank for it. I am.... so fucked up. Someone hurt me so badly. They took my identity. They made me feel like I was nothing because they wanted to possess me. But I didn't try to take my own life. I didn't. I dont want to be here, I really really dont. But this video reminded me why I have value. So thank you. I'm so sorry for unloading. It might be the bottle of wine. It might be that I had a really bad week. I'm getting there though. You helped me. You did. I need you to know that. God if anyone else reads this. Just know. I'm surviving. I'm doing my best. And no offence Olly. I'm doing this on my own. But I can't deny. You helped me. You understand. So thank you.

[@randomalienfrommars0567]

I know words mean very little coming from a stranger and so late but I just want to say that you've gone through shit. It's so awful and unfair and cruel and I may not truly understand ... but I know that surviving it, being so strong in your weakness and just TRYING...You're doing great, you're doing a great job and you're persevering and for what it's worth I hope you persevere to find something worth holding onto and a happiness, even if fleeting, that brightens your day.

[@americantoastman7296]

That is a really touching and gutwrenching story. If it helps, youre never alone. Youre not weird or broken or "unnormal". And I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you can live the life you want to live!

[@nickelacqua9958]

I've never been really comfortable talking about it but I once came very close to taking my own life. When I was 21. I was grappling with shame and feelings from my past and some things I did and was afraid to talk about it, and I always had a habit of bottling things up until they just exploded. Having ADHD and kind of a short temper, I tended to get really frustrated and angry at everything. I just felt the overwhelming urge for it to all go away. I actually once opened up to my mom about it and she didn't really listen. She thought I was being dramatic. I guess she didn't understand. I don't know. But I came really close to trying to hang myself with a belt. I'm glad I didn't but I've had some mental breakdowns, anxiety issues, and a whole mess of other shit, but I'm still standing, even though I'm so far away from where I want to be, I'm still standing on my feet. I've never heard of your channel until yesterday and I'm not much of a philosophy buff or that smart, but listening to your story so far has really spoke to me on a level I can't describe. I'm glad you exist.

[@evarhart]

Those last words at the end pierced the stone fortress in my chest and forced me to breathe again. I was waiting for "I love you" or "Hang in there" but I never knew how badly I needed to hear what you said... I don't know which path my ship will take, but your tranmission reached me. Thank you Abi.

[@jonaht2145]

In 1967, cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov, the best friend of Yuri Gagarin, who was the first man in space, was sent on an ambitious mission to go into space and go onto a different ship while in orbit. Gagarin and some technicians inspected the spacecraft and found that it had many structural problems. He tried to get the mission postponed, but was unsuccessful. Komarov did not refuse the mission because he knew the back-up pilot would be sent himself. The back-up was Yuri. He even told his friend beforehand, “I’m not gonna make it back from this flight.” Gagarin demanded to be put on the flight but Komarov took off alone. As his ship began to fail he was called over a video phone by the Soviet premier Alexei Kosygin, who told him through tears that he was a hero. He was able to talk to his wife before his capsule burned up as he was descending into the Earth’s atmosphere. Sometimes people commit to save the life of a friend and comrade, sometimes they do it to end their own pain and suffering. To all the cosmonauts out there, you’re not alone.

[@maneatingcheeze]

The story is even worse than that. He requested an open casket funeral before the flight to show the Soviet leadership what they had done. And despite the fact that nearly the entire capsule had failed he was still able to do a manual insertion and landed roughly where he intended. Sadly, the craft was so faulty that the parachutes did not open and he was killed by the impact, the only fully working modules being manual control and heat shielding. Everything else was a complete failure.

[@DrumWild]

I've seen that photo of Komarov's body. I can't even imagine having to live with that.

[@xintract]

just after I finish crying from the video and this makes me start again

[@calsans5243]

Truly phenomenal. As someone who has struggled not only with mental illness but it’s perception in society, THIS is what we need. No bullshit, no inspirational quotes on a photoshopped picture of some trees, but actual, genuine sufferers of mental illness shaping and moulding this area of life as opposed to simply following the same road we have trod for many years. This is how things change, this is how people will begin to understand. Thank you

[@Voe198]

This video is a milestone in humanity.

[@radioactivedetective6876]

@@Voe198 Oh yah - those fluffy quotes and memes! - as someone who has struggled finding 'inspiration' to get by one day at a time, I find those so banal and superficial.

[@jonathanskidmore5621]

I often have less extreme emotional responses to things than I know I should. It's something I work on. Having said that, I fucking cried at "I understand how you feel." harder than I have in a long time. Most powerful sentence in the English language indeed.

[@isaaclee391]

Hello Abigail, I don’t know if you look at the comments on these old videos but I just wanted to say that this is my fifth time watching. I watch every time I need it again. And it helps every time. I actually sent the link to my mother who cried and told me she hopes I have a safe landing. She finally got it. Anyway I wonder if you kept Josephine as a middle name? It’s a lovely name.

[@blakgumshoo]

"I understand how you feel" Thank you. Thank you! THANK YOU! For saying the ONE thing I've wanted someone, ANYONE, to say about these dark thoughts I've had in my head for years. Anyone can tell me they love me and mean it, can tell me where to go to get help but the one thing I wanted was someone who SINCERELY UNDERSTANDS. Thank you again. From the bottom of my heart.

[@SarahHxC]

I understand you!

[@danielmcelroy4505]

❤️❤️❤️⚡️

[@blakgumshoo]

29:05 Just putting the time stamp of when those beautiful words were said. I've actually come by this video every so often when I feel my lowest. And it has actually helped quite a bit! A daily reminder that I am not as alone as my mind may tell me.

[@tonycampbell1424]

"You aren't broken . . . just because you're up there." Good God. That. I needed that. More than anything.

[@genessab]

blakgumshoo actually physicians are saying nowadays that you shouldn’t say that you know how someone feels-as it can enrage some people who feel like no one knows how they feel and can heighten tension