MST3K - Last Clear Chance

Pre-"Red Asphalt" Driver's Ed short, sponsored by Union Pacific Railroad (still manages to work in a train safety message)

[@admiralabraham1564]

“Would you identify this bucket full of your brother” is so dark but it cracks me up every time

[@astrocitizen]

I kind of wish this had been the joke back at 10:00, when they were discussing someone called Robert Bainbridge and the cop shows the farmer's son some paperwork: "Why are you showing me a picture of a bucket full of spaghetti sau--OH MY GOD!"

[@APCDraw]

“Don’t make the same mistake as them. Don’t die.” Why is that statement so funny

[@maxxjapan619]

Hey, he finally went back and ran over Kissinger!

[@artistwithouttalent]

So glad I'm not the only person who thought of this. May he burn for eternity 😊

[@Flaggboy42]

How many years have you been waiting to make this comment? 😂😂😂

[@maxxjapan619]

@@Flaggboy42 Wouldn't say I was WAITING. I just remembered it after seeing the news.

[@undoneonion90]

"And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say..." "AAAAAH!"

[@godoftheinterwebz]

"And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say... ...I miss having sex"

[@jamiekamihachi3135]

Given how long Frank was looking back and waving at his brother I'm amazed he didn't drive into a ditch... which ironically would have saved his life.

[@angusmacfrankenstein7227]

Not necessarily. I ended up in a ditch after one icy storm-I hit a slick spot in such a way that I slipped into the ditch backwards. After the car was towed out, it still ran for the better part of a year, and the corner of the trunk was pointed at a 90-degree angle. But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. After I slipped in the ditch-and I wasn’t traveling fast in the first place, the road had become pure ice, and I spun around and I slipped in the ditch almost gently. I wasn’t injured. I got out of the car through the passenger side, and the woman who lived in a house across from where I entered the ditch ran out to help. She was an emotional wreck, and immediately offered use of her home phone (yes, this was before everybody had cell phones) and a place to get it back together. She even offered me a beer, and swiftly wisely changed her mind-after all, I would have to speak with a policeman! It was the only time I ever drank a Dr. Pepper. I finally found out why the woman was so stressed: the driver of the last car that went into that ditch died! I can believe it! Remember the damage I described that happened to the trunk! If I hadn’t entered the ditch backwards, I might’ve ended up with the engine block embedded in my stomach!

[@josephgoldfarb2523]

"Trains are blameless, holy creatures"

[@DaWhiteWolffie]

Those big old ones could take 1-2 miles with the breaks on before they would stop. So basically, DON'T GET IN FRONT OF A TRAIN, BECAUSE THEY PHYSICALLY CAN'T STOP. I saw a documentary about it on tv, the poor train conductors have problems with PTSD because of all the splatter deaths they see driving the trains. All they can do is put on the breaks, watch, and wait for several minutes for the train to finally stop. :/

[@bbmcrae]

@@DaWhiteWolffie Go on.

[@planescaped]

No Train has ever harmed a soul, should you be injured in the proximity of one, it is your fault. All hail Union Pacific!

[@johnquick1]

Lol.... That's fuc*ing hilarious. 😂

[@johnquick1]

"Looks like the prequel to In Cold Blood."

[@joshuaholcomb2523]

"you know son, 15% of all accidents are..." "Oh shut up, will ya?" "Would you identify this bucket full of your brother?"

[@charlesodell804]

Oh God, that's his pacemaker!!!!

[@johnrussellpelt9091]

I'm surprised they didn't make squishy sound effects as characters walked around on screen at that point.

[@astrocitizen]

@@johnrussellpelt9091 🤣

[@mst3KGf]

"I surrender, officer! Ha ha! What's the charge?" "Ho ho...MANSLAUGHTER!!!"

[@angelsaltamontes7336]

I love the sound of MANS LAUGHTER.

[@whoisdickieschnabel]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Trainlover1995]

Fun fact: the person playing Frank Jr., William Agee, later became a big business man, even being president of, of all things, a railcar builder (Morrison-Knudsen). He's still alive, even.

[@hwyfan]

+BNSF1995 Tim Bosworth, who played younger brother Alan Dixon, was killed in a single vehicle rollover accident on Interstate 84 in Nampa, Idaho in the early 1980's. William Agee died of natural causes at the age of 79 in December, 2017.

[@PerfectKirby]

At the risk on being an asshole, the fact that the brother who didn’t die in this film died of a vehicle accident is super ironic lol

[@julieporter7805]

@@PerfectKirby Unfortunately I was thinking the same thing.

[@armykat123]

@@hwyfan where did you find this info?

[@BleachFan9891]

This was a happy, wholesome family until the cop showed up.

[@Atlink]

"Now where did that train come from? "The station??" Such a simple joke, but such a hearty laugh.

[@TheZeroJoker]

That driver finally went back and got Kissinger. Bless.

[@MDK2_Radio]

8:43 “Anytown, USA) is actually Denver, Colorado, looking north on Broadway from just a bit south of 11th Ave. A whole lot of Denver has changed but that block is remarkably very much the same in 2023. Check it out from Streetview sometime.

[@whoisdickieschnabel]

"Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me. Why don't they look?" "You're deep, Ernie."

[@NathanWeaver]

"Whoa!!! I almost ran over Kissinger. I'm gonna have to go back." Wow.... hahaha.... ☺😃😄😆😅

[@NathanWeaver]

"Would you identify this bucket of your brother?" I just spewed food.

[@efxman]

"You see, when a man loves a car very much he slides the seat back and....."

[@williamhubert572]

18:13 Mike: “You know, Son, 40% of all accidents…..” Servo: “Oh, shut up! Will ya?” Funniest part of the skit

[@pikminmaster2165]

Especially with "Would you identify this bucket full of your brother?"

[@BrianRetro]

Really? Mine just happens to be: "ALL NUDE GIRLS!"

[@chuzhoi762]

"Never, under any circumstances, drive with your buttcheeks!"

[@chellesama8256]

Sound advice that has never steered me wrong.

[@Thedisneylandgeek]

"You know son, 40% of all-" "Oh Shut Up!"

[@kennydeez..1774]

😂😅😂That Was A Hilarious Voiceover Line😂..The guy was looking back like he was saying that.😂👍🏾

[@ngobleus]

"We need you to identify this bucketful of your brother..."

[@IvoryNerva]

"i thought we were all paid up" "gonna need another 50, real shame if something happened to this land"

[@requiem4ameme2]

So speeding is an act of "near-insanity", but blowing through a stop sign at a four-way intersection is just a "little violation"? Ok, officer, whatever you say.

[@typacsk]

This was probably filmed around the same time Lucy Ricardo got taken to jail for tearing through town at 15 mph.

[@tysontaggart7246]

And the younger brother driving without a license is only a "Technical violation.". So this cop character is lenient when someone he knows commits a driving offense, but when it's a stranger doing it he becomes a hardass who hates acts of "Near Insanity.". Gee officer, maybe if you hadn't just let frank Jr. blow through that stop sign with no repercussions he wouldn'tve blown through that train crossing like a troglodyte as well.

[@LakeFX]

STOP THE NEAR-INSANITY

[@user-my9de2re2n]

"I can say goodbye from here" "GOODBYE!" cracks me up every time

[@michaelbeaudoin1518]

"Would you identify this bucket full of your brother?" Bahahaha!

[@jimmyjim170]

Best line in this short.

[@johnstucko2740]

Michael Beaudoin Hahahaha!

[@MerkinMuffly]

Larry was fired from the force 10 years ago but still goes up to strangers to give them an hour talk about traffic signs.

[@sclogse1]

Phantom 409...

[@ontxtteredwxngs]

in full cop cosplay

[@carlosayala8171]

😂😂

[@angusmacfrankenstein7227]

Everybody needs a hobby.

[@gussiejives]

"Do you know him like THIS?" "AHHHH, AHHHH, dear God who are you?! What are you?! I'm gonna go throw myself in the thresher...."

[@MsGrapeNehi]

"You see, son, we all die alone and afraid." "MY LIFE IS A LIE! Oh." "Trains are blameless, holy creatures!" "I'm repulsed by your touch!" "Well, I'd tuck you in, but... you're dead." This is one of the best MST3K shorts. Never gets old.

[@charlesodell804]

It's good to see that you grasp the essentials of the humor.

[@eviljoel]

Yes, we all watched the same video.

[@minxstole93]

This is my second favorite short, my number one fav being A Case of Spring Fever. But I do really love this short too!

[@jameswelch1463]

"Quote from the video to show I recognized a funny part!!!"

[@Barny5ive]

On a business trip to Boise a couple years ago I actually tracked down the location of the "brand new tractor" scene from 2:07-3:10. It's in Meridian Idaho, West of Boise. I was bummed the UP Depot was torn down years ago but the mill from the tractor crossing tracks part is still there. If you type 598 N Main St Meridian, Idaho you can see what it looks like today!

[@TanzDerSchatten]

Cop: You keep in mind that advice I gave you at the stop sign. Frank Jr.: I will. A mere 5 minutes later...

[@Maupin001]

+TanzDerSchatten Frank Jr.: Too stupid to live.

[@eviljoel]

Natural selection in action.

[@DaWhiteWolffie]

Having grown up with a little brother I can safely say that this is normal for boys. Girls tend to be smarter, just sayin. OxD

[@charlesodell804]

A mere five minutes later they are hosing down the engine.

[@artistwithouttalent]

Exact words. "Hey, the cop never said anything about doing _intensely stupid things!"_

[@ashland1977]

Woah, Almost ran over Kissinger, gonna have to go back LOL

[@chopitup9950]

ashland1977 My favourite line 😂😂😂

[@scottlarson1548]

Yes, save thousands of American lives!

[@kenetickups6146]

@@scottlarson1548 and tens of thousands of foreign lives

[@hambor12]

He’s somehow still fucking alive, against all odds

[@chasjetty8729]

He was good at what he did. Gives a hell of a speech too.

[@TheJuli1241]

Will you identify this bucket full of your brother? - Best

[@talulahgosh]

Oh man, forgot about this and it really made me lol

[@LchanOtakudom]

TheJuli1241 My favorite line!!

[@johnrussellpelt9091]

I'm surprised they didn't make squishy sound effects as characters walked around on screen at that point.

[@PissBoys]

This was my favorite period of MST3K: after Mike joined the cast, but before Trace left.

[@teejay1824]

The movie ruined everything!

[@kimfaulhaber]

Same!

[@phylliselizahb1041]

The unTraceables are definitely missing him!

[@TheObvious1890]

Folks, we disavow having anything to do with that officer! In fact, he was fired years ago.

[@menslady125eif2590]

"Trains are blameless, holy creatures." I say that when watching stuff about train safety when it's told "Trains can't stop quickly and they can't turn out of the way of something."

[@gargoyles9999]

99% of the time they are, you wouldn't believe the number of people who get killed walking along train tracks with headphones on and get clipped by one. I mean seriously let's walk a good three inches from the rail?

[@menslady125eif2590]

gargoyles9999 How about, let's not go near the rails at all?

[@ledzeppelin27]

you see son, we all die alone and afraid xD

[@s4ujcd]

There's only a big, black nothingness.

[@jugglergirl20km]

"I can say goodbye from here" GOODBYE!!!!! Lololol

[@Sedgwick523]

"Whoa! Almost ran over Kissinger... I'm gonna hafta go back." Hands down the funniest short they did!

[@applemask]

"Will you please, please LEAVE?"

[@douglaslally156]

You know son forty percent of all..

[@MrAlcazar]

Awww shut-up will ya!?

[@hardluckart]

LMAO at: 'i have no feelings for you!' 'WHAT?' 'this is a loveless relationship, i want out!' 'WHAT?' 'i'm repulsed by your touch!' 'WHAT?' 'LET ME OUT RIGHT HERE I HATE YOU!'

[@BrianRetro]

You forgot the, "Ding, ding, ding, ding..." part at the end!

[@adamtaylor31]

They're dead, they're dead, they're dead, they're diddle diddle dead...

[@christieperry4361]

When I drive, I always make sure to keep an eye out for Kissenger

[@menslady125eif2590]

Ach, Mr. President, please watch where you're going!

[@yvonnerousseau2238]

"You're going to spend the night in the barn with your crazy cousin." How did I miss that line the past 17 times I've watched this?

[@chrisblair3819]

"Would you identify this bucketful of your brother?" I still remember the first time I heard that line. I laughed on and off for a half hour.

[@solodatemaru]

I'm amazed that guy stayed on the road long enough to get hit by the train. He had to have driven for several minutes without looking at the road. I would have probably gone into a ditch long before I reach the tracks (which ironically might have save his life).

[@TMMQuicksilver]

It's some really impressive good bad driving. Bad good driving? In any case, a lot of effort went into that guy getting himself crushed like a beer can. Kinda impressive.

[@danielevans545]

10:16 I'm crying with laughter. God I love this show.

[@adammasek772]

"When you cross...Floss!"

[@jordanfreeman3226]

Well, do you know him like THIS? No, No, AAAHHHH!!! Dear God, who are you? WHAT are you?

[@menslady125eif2590]

+Jordan Freeman :'( I'm gonna throw myself in the thresher!

[@CassidyListon]

"Would you uh, identify this bucket full of your brother?" lol, Oh jesus...

[@luisreyes1963]

Lovely imagery, there. 🤢

[@TrueGandOStudios]

"They're dead, they're dead, they're dead, they're d-d-d-d-dead, they're dead, they're dead..."

[@luisreyes1963]

Be thankful Disney wasn't involved with that flick. ☠️

[@kirk1968]

"These are fruits you must not taste." I am waiting for the day I can use that line at work...

[@mtcruse]

That was yesterday! You missed it!

[@kirk1968]

Dang it! So close.

[@bustedkeaton]

On the Enterprise?

[@bittybaff3541]

He's off the ramp

[@ITILII]

Such a line must indeed be used, each and every day !

[@yragcom1]

"Oh my God, he's snapped, he's a bad cop on the loose." That section made me laugh for years. I can't hold it in when I hear it, even now.

[@TheSecurityCamChannel]

"Whoa, almost ran over Kissinger! I have to go back."

[@robvonk9131]

My earlobes won't stop growing!

[@Evertide05]

"Where's the traffic signal?" "In your pants." That line kills me every, single, time. Especially the way Mike mutters it.

[@s4ujcd]

I REGRET NOTHING!

[@soulchorea]

CAN I HAVE YOUR ROOOM??

[@iamnoone5614]

You're deep, Ernie

[@aryaasha4589]

Lol I can't help but list my favorite quotes "Kill the wabbit" "Will you please, please leave!" "Good-bye!!!" "Jack Kervorkian throws a tailgating party" And my favorite: "Will you identify this bucket full of your brother?"

[@TitanTed]

11:40 - Whoa! Almost ran over Kissinger, I'm gonna have to go back!

[@therealhardrock]

The cop is played by "Mac" from Adam-12. I can't believe that the MST3K writers, who are well-known for their knowledge of obscure trivia, didn't notice this.

[@phylliselizahb1041]

They missed Maile Nurmi, aka Vampira, playing the Hag in Magic Sword, too.

[@DrThunder88]

"But I just couldn't do it..." "Because of the tear in the sprocket hole!" Awesome.

[@foo219]

Like my driving instructor says, it's a miracle anyone survives their teens. Why we give them drivers' licenses is beyond me.

[@Trainlover1995]

And that, kids, is why crossing gates were invented.

[@jamiekamihachi3135]

BNSF1995 And when that wasn't enough the Union Pacific Railroad had this short made.

[@noahkarpinski1824]

@@jamiekamihachi3135 and still almost 1000 people die a year by being hit by trains

[@menslady125eif2590]

Eh, people don't pay attention to crossing gates, either. They drive around 'em.

[@Hermititis]

@@menslady125eif2590 , 🎶 "Drive around the boom gates at a level crossing... Dumb ways to die-ie-ie, dumb ways to die" 🎵

[@MarkLipka]

"Who gets killed at the tracks? We ALL do!"

[@crowtservo]

"You're spending the night in the barn with your crazy cousin." A young Dwight Schrute...

[@DawnOfTheOzz]

"Jack Kevorkian throws a tail-gating party!" "Save some for me!"

[@NewGuy2534]

If I learned anything from Union Pacific films, Cops and Preachers are the grim reaper.

[@timrussell6143]

Haha. I'm the impish officer of death

[@monkeymouse]

"Some people actually resent traffic signs and traffic laws." Tea Party guys.

[@jamesschuur2801]

Traffic signs are fascist government oppression from the UN!

[@jamesschuur2801]

People! I WAS NOT SERIOUS!!! Geeper-Creepers!

[@greedyd5524]

I need a safe space after that joke

[@HoshizakiYoshimasa]

Lol at old stupid political comments that no longer have relevance. Seems every video comment section has an idiot who makes one.

[@chrissmith6097]

Oh, did the tea party members finally go extinct? I hadn’t heard.

[@adiraiju9336]

17:35 "WHAT?! WHAT?! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE TRAIN!"

[@PyramidHACK]

" You know, son. 40 percent of all acciden.." " Oh shut up, will ya?! "

[@christopherwall2121]

Interesting fact: this short was edited for time since MST3k only has about 100 minutes. There's a section in the full version where Trooper Hal explains how stuff like horse-drawn carriages and old-timey bicycles were not so long ago, within the lifetime of folks like Grandpa Dixon in fact, not merely museum exhibits, but a regular fixture of the roads. He contrasts this with the then-modern four-lane highways, and says that even though cars and roads are safer now, people are still as fragile as ever.

[@stoneyboyd]

Yeah I had to watch the full unedited version in Drivers education class.

[@DaWhiteWolffie]

Back when gas was cheap, and cars were big heavy death traps. xD I do miss the cheap gas, though.

[@shuttittuppitt9355]

Big & heavy? Yes. Death traps? BULL S***! Whether you get killed (or live) through a traffic accident depends on how well you (& the other drivers, if any) handled your vehicle when it happens. If you're not a completely NEW driver, & if you're paying attention (so that your responses are quick enough), your chances of surviving will be better no matter what vehicle you're driving.

[@DaWhiteWolffie]

@@shuttittuppitt9355 Even in a slow moving accident, the glove compartment door could fall open and slice open the gut of the passenger. Banging your head on those big hard steering wheels could kill you. And the sharp edged visor falling down could slice your head or neck open. In. SLOW. ACCIDENTS. In major accidents, you died in horrible ways. I call that a death trap.

[@christopherwall2121]

Don't miss the lead in the gas, though.

[@ktCATSbone]

Wow. 10 years ago this was posted and is still popular as mst3k is awesome. Pretty impressive.

[@JiveDadson]

Fifteen now.

[@Kur10usity]

Never gets old. I've probably watched / listened to this 500 times already. Mst3k is my happy place. 😻

[@pronkb000]

This was posted to KZbin so long ago that it pre-dates the 10-minute video length limit that was in effect, and is now basically forgotten about.

[@gardener68]

"It hasn't got time to stop for you corn-shucking crackers!"

[@meangreen8873]

"I'm going to grab a little bit of lunch"

[@demonizer6663]

"The paid assasian cruising through town!" LMFAO gets me every time!

[@mbta1000]

"But where's the traffic signal?" "In your pants."

[@lisvender]

This and “Days of our Years” are my favorite MST3K shorts.

[@nataliewaters7415]

"Will you identify this bucket full of your brother." I laugh everytime!

[@Mister_Rux]

"Can I have your room?!" That has to be the best line ever!

[@AreaClouded]

"Would you identify this bucket full of your brother?" lmfao hilarious

[@luisreyes1963]

10:00 Plot Point! 😱

[@Jangobadass]

My all time favorite short! Ya gotta love how it spends most of its runtime talking about what causes car wrecks and how to avoid them...and then Frank Jr. is killed by pure stupidity! XD

[@JohnsParadise]

"You know, son, 40 percent of all li-" "Oh shut up, will ya!?" That joke had me on the floor laughing.

[@TheSilverFiend]

yeah, I buried the victims over there... right over there!

[@rileynewton17]

"Anybody know this guy?" I'm dead as Frank Jr.

[@applemask]

"The world made sense an hour ago..."

[@scribesunlimited3328]

There's a 40% chance this is my favorite MST3K short. :D

[@rockypc24]

This is the seminal short for MST3K

[@moabdog32]

"Toro, toro. Ha Ha, I'm kidding" This is why MST3k is one of the best things ever put on TV. Crow RULES!!

[@tglass55]

i'm so glad there are other people who loved this show!

[@angusmacfrankenstein7227]

“Can you identify this bucket full of your brother?!” Man, I laugh and gag at the same time at that line!

[@PlasmaCoolantLeak]

Hey, William Boyett (RIP), Sgt. MacDonald from "Adam-12". "My life is a lie!" LOL

[@tomryan914]

"Why don't you get married Malloy?" Oops, that was Reid.

[@TheSecurityCamChannel]

"You know son, 40 percent of..." "Shut up!"

[@notlobparrot3057]

"Before Too Long!" - Easily the MST3K joke I quote most in life

[@abrohamlincoln6472]

"You're not ready for the high-life yet. These are fruits you must not taste."

[@kylestubbs8867]

"Woo, almost ran over Kissinger! I'm gonna have to go back..."

[@TheUrbanGaze]

"Trains are blameless, holy creatures" Modern urbanists: Quick, write that down!

[@salag13]

"Ah, Mr. President please watch where you're going!"

[@thetallguy5192]

"Can you please identify this bucket full of your brother?" Nearly died laughing.