MST3K - Progress Island U.S.A.

From the episode The Beast of Yucca Flats.
Cast:
Crow - Trace Beaulieu
Mike Nelson - Michael J. Nelson
Servo - Kevin Murphy
© 2008 Shout! Factory, LLC

[@pikminmaster2165]

1:17 "Puerto Rico!" 3:47 "Progress!" 5:57 "Gambling!" 7:26 "A century ago!" You're welcome folks.

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

You are a true hero.

[@Taranchula]

This short so reeked of the 1970's it temporarily turned my monitor into a wood paneled CRT,

[@PleasestopcallingmeDoctorImath]

Taranchula fuck i wanna spin the channel knob, such a satisfying series of clicks

[@studio366]

Mine too, I played with the vertical hold and tripped out, whee.

[@madeinamerica3620]

And I fiddled with the rabbit ears until I picked up Mexico City! 😄

[@Nodrog666]

"An American democracy-" "Would be really great." Already laughing.

[@TheoneandonlyDrops]

Especially topical this year...

[@ocularpatdown]

Right?

[@s4ujcd]

"Puerto Rico is permanently associated with the United States." Whether you like it or not.

[@ocularpatdown]

😂

[@Teebs1996]

BILINGUAL SCHOOLS BISEXUAL STUDENTS

[@Pudding_Patrol]

+TronBazzardTheReal Sounds awesome

[@paxhumana2015]

+TronBazzardTheReal, your avatar looks like a humanized Pinky from that new Pac-Man cartoon.

[@TrixieWolf]

@@paxhumana2015 It's spelled Pinkie! :derpytongue2: (Er, unless you didn't mean Pinkie Pie. But you should always mean Pinkie Pie.)

[@tpalicz]

Everyone wins

[@WalterReimer]

"Modern hospitals - " "Are desperately needed." Prophetic words.

[@AnneIglesias]

"Hawaii?" "No, an ISLAND!" I laughed at this so much.

[@Plbrock1s]

"Here are some moo cows."

[@rossman9743]

"A Quinn Martin production!" As a child of the 70s, I laughed way too hard at that.

[@DenitaArnold]

Yeah me too

[@cindydott452]

Slightly off topic, but the first MP3 I ever downloaded was the theme from "Cowboy Bebop", "Tank". I played it for my dad and he said it sounded like a Quinn Martin Production!!!

[@elderlypoodle9181]

I joined you 😆

[@lavalampluva55401]

@@cindydott452 Mark VII Limited was another big one at the time. That was where you saw the sweat hand with the chisel making the Mark VII in stone.

[@MaoistBanker]

Tonight’s episode: OPPORTUNITY!

[@apo18llo]

This island is on the move... "Hawaii?" No, an ISLAND!'

[@stratoplayer1988]

When Judy Garland died, it destroyed Puerto Rico's economy.

[@Rick-Raven]

"An American democracy" Would be really great

[@julianmastri9605]

"travel from anywhere in the world in a matter of hours" "just like everywhere else in the world"

[@andymackie8283]

"A wealth of historic beauty" "...does not exist here."

[@kevinpogue7294]

"A Quinn Martin Production!"

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

- H E R E - A R E - S O M E - M O O - C O W S -

[@nelsonr12]

Attracts industry from around the world "You mean cheap labor?"

[@JudasPriest9878]

Strawberries, marshmallows, tin foil. and fudge and some dingle balls hanging from treeeees

[@insectoidinheritor896]

"Here, money is exchanged for COCONUTS!"

[@Ryfinius]

Hey, I know you.

[@AsYourCruiseDirector]

"Why, even aliens from Mars are here."

[@pendragon2012]

"The Spanish called it Puerto Rico (because they couldn't think of anything else), but we call it (Cheap Laborville)Progress Island, USA (Because we have no regard for history, culture or tradition)!" One sentence, wisecracking gold!

[@bucky145]

"I'm not speaking to you" funniest line

[@backedup39]

"So drink rum constantly!" Never a truer word spoken.

[@JamaicanCastle]

"Here, we're flying in another trumpet section." Just what they needed.

[@RappinPicard]

For context: this short film was made in the 1970’s probably around when the IRS passed the Section 936 tax break, which let US companies avoid taxes by setting up shop in PR. This actually worked to grow a modern manufacturing economy. Up until 2006 when the Bush Administration got rid of the tax break, and the Great Recession hit two years later and the manufacturing in Puerto Rico left, taking a lot of the tax revenue with them, leaving PR to depend on debt to close the gap.

[@burtcocain1986]

PROGRESS!

[@JGMoore]

@@burtcocain1986 RUM!

[@jafl2183]

Most importantly.. who cares

[@DaytonaRoadster]

and the funny part was Puerto Rico was such a shithole almost no one used it.

[@Thornbloom]

​@@jafl2183 found the Republican.

[@TheObvious1890]

"Today, we call it Progress Island, U.S.A." ("Because we have no regard for history, culture, or tradition.")

[@DaytonaRoadster]

none of which are important

[@mundotaku_org]

"no matter your culture, folk dance is stupid" dammmm right.

[@monkeymouse]

"The music of John Philip Salsa!"

[@madeinamerica3620]

Not bad...not bad at all! 😉

[@jaohonaxa]

Don't you love the old shorts that enthusiastically describe things that set up problems we're dealing with now?

[@warellis]

Uh the problem with Puerto Rico is that the Federal government set its minimum wage way too high despite the fact that Puerto Rico's economy couldn't handle such a huge wage jump. Because of that, companies had to close and move out.

[@jaohonaxa]

True, I guess I was mostly referring to the (arguably) too generous tax incentive and the overall push to get companies over there without too much attention being paid to Puerto Rico or the long term.

[@ChristopherSobieniak]

Statehood is certainly not being achieved.

[@warellis]

Statehood would probably be disadvantageous for Puerto Ricans because they would have pay federal taxes. Hell they themselves have voted no against statehood. Do you want to force them to go against that?

[@ChristopherSobieniak]

warellis Yeah I suppose not. I just can't see them being independent personally, but a shame they didn't plan on this current event.

[@MSTe98]

Man, that SOUNDTRACK was SWINGING! All educational shorts should have big jazzy funk bands!

[@jimmyjim170]

I gotta have more wah-wah pedals! And anything with "Wakka-chikka-wakka" in it is fine by me!

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

MSTe98 If you move to Puerto Rico, the wah-wah are CONSTANTLY playing!

[@ToastedAlmond98]

If you're interested, here are the four tracks I've managed to identify: 1) _Testing Time_ by David Lindup 2) _Clear Crystal_ by Johnny Pearson 3) _International Passport_ also by Johnny Pearson 4) _Fields of Energy_ by John Scott All these come from the KPM Music Library, so if you want more swinging soundtracks like this, just look it up on your streaming site of choice.

[@waterspout8]

Thanks for the track info. Mike, Crow, and Servo made fun of the music, but I loved it, lol!

[@sethtriggs]

I think another song is "Nationwide" by Neal Richardson, which is on a KPM compilation CD.

[@dagnangreg]

JUST COME HERE!

[@dirty96imp]

with wah-wah pedals playing constantly!

[@johnwilliamross]

This is still the most hilarious MST3K short of all time.

[@vetagainsttrump16]

"Then KISS came to town" killed me

[@johnnyo3535]

"Even ssssspsssss is here"

[@Blyndtyger76]

I say so many quotes from these shorts. This is one of the many.

[@MrBigcityal]

A Quinn Martin production!

[@mesousagaby740]

I'm from Puerto Rico AND an MST3K fan, and this shit is hilarious. I'm still quite a proud Puertorican, too.

[@mesousagaby740]

Yep, even after Hurricane Maria, this is still hilarious. I'm not a horrible person, am I?

[@ChristopherSobieniak]

@@mesousagaby740 No, you just know how to laugh at yourself, perhaps. That's often the best medicine for anyone.

[@mikezylstra7514]

Fine. Stay in Rhode Island.

[@lordscrewtape2897]

" we apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico... that we did not offend"...😏

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

Awesome. Can we come exploit your people? A Groovey Clothes on every corner!

[@schaeferschaefer2624]

While watching this short my iPhone just sprouted rabbit-ear antennas, analog dials and faux wood veneer.

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

I am SO JEALOUS

[@sclarin2]

I heard one of the songs from this short on a 70's muzak compilation and immediately recognized it and thought "I don't know what song that is but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff!"

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

Brilliant!

[@menslady125eif2590]

Crow, that Judy Garland comment....that was SAVAGE!!

[@christieperry4361]

Latka Gravis goes to class "Tank u veddy much" Ha!

[@mherring27]

I like when they would yell at the end of each chapter like the first one: "PROGRESS!!!"......and the other ones...hilarious.

[@eviljoel]

GAMBLING!

[@dianalewandowski7615]

BugPope A CENTURY AGO!

[@aryaasha4589]

+mherring27 I know! Now everytime I hear music like that I want to randomly shout out "PROGRESS!"

[@christieperry4361]

Or PUSH BUTTON PHONING!!

[@MarkLipka]

"A CENTURY AGO!" 🤣

[@theonetruefingal3046]

Thanks to this short, I added the phrase "Okay, let's get funky now!" to my daily vocabulary. It has a million and one uses!

[@FingerBreakerWu]

The riffs are so funny because if you've spent time in PR, you know it's true!

[@Lobsterwithinternet]

Damn Straight!! 😂😂😂😂

[@UselessShyte]

“Ladka Gravis goes to class”

[@kahlilnelson]

“Thangk you veddy much”

[@sock2828]

"Come exploit her people!" Really is the message of this short.

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

(Comment deleted because I was so enormously wrong I had to hide my shame)

[@Whateverwhoification]

1:28 "A land the size of Rhode Island" Rhode Island is barely 1/5th the size of Puerto Rico haha

[@PWPH1984]

Then KISS came to town!

[@dclefevre]

SHOTS RANG OUT!!

[@FourthDerivative]

"Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid."

[@madeinamerica3620]

Candidly, I think it would have been a tad more diplomatic to have used the word "silly". Just a little less scornful.

[@BrianBattles]

They left out the fun and excitement of hurricanes and tropical storms.

[@thekittenfreakify]

That don't happen often.

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

thekittenfreakify And yet....

[@mikezylstra7514]

6 - 8 earthquakes every single day.

[@stompchunkman4248]

I'M HAVING A FREAK-OUT AFTER 10 YEARS LATER!

[@t1p9d]

Progress! Gambling! A century ago!

[@willmccormick947]

Then Kiss came to town!

[@jonathanwashington6083]

I'm disappointed. A Pam Grier movie didn't break out like the music implied it would.

[@KrystalLake]

8:27 - ♫ _We're gonna make our dreams come true, doing it our way!_ ♫ [puts single glove on Rum bottle]

[@Roadvirus1]

Considering Puerto Rico's current financial situation, this short should be renamed "Bankrupt Island USA"

[@theproplady]

***** Yeah. Didn't take long for Socialism to turn that island into America's Greece....

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

+theproplady It's cute how little you know about Socialism, and even cuter that you think PR is a Socialist entity!

[@theproplady]

+CaptainLumpyDog It's cute how you lie: "From Peter Schiff: "In 2013 median income in Puerto Rico was just over half that of the poorest state in the union (Mississippi) but welfare benefits are very similar. This means that the incentive to forgo public assistance in favor of a job is greatly reduced in Puerto Rico, as a larger percentage of those on public assistance would do better financially by turning down a low paying job. Because of these perverse incentives not to work, fewer than half of working age males are employed and 45% of the Island’s population lived below the federal poverty line (U.S. Census Bureau, American Community Survey Briefs issued Sep. 2014). According to a 2012 report by the New York Federal Reserve Bank, 40% of Island income consists of transfer payments, and 35% of the Island’s residents receive food stamps (Fox News Latino, 3/11/14). In other words, Puerto Rico’s problems are strikingly similar to those of Greece. Its government spends chronically more than it raises in taxes, its economy is trapped in a regulatory morass, and its economic destiny is largely in the hands of others." 40 percent of the Island's income is transfer payments and 35 percent of the people receive food stamps. But no, that's not Socialism...oh noooooooo.....

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

+theproplady From Peter Schiff? Seriously? I stopped reading after those three words. RWNJs are entertaining but dangerous.

[@alabasta02]

+Roadvirus1 Bankrupt because Judy Garland died.

[@christieperry4361]

You have to be a certain age to understand "a Quinn Martin production"

[@37view37]

Yes. They’ve done it a few times and it’s always with just the right type of music and feel. If you’d seen more than a few QM tv shows as I had as a child, it’s perfectly evocative. I believe Kevin always handles this riff though I could be wrong. These guys are really wonderful comedy writers and performers. My wife and I were never much for tv in adulthood and avoided cable altogether but whenever of a Sunday I’d find myself at my sister’s on a visit I’d always find myself watching this fantastic show! Now with streaming I cannot get enough!

[@jflo1532]

Right?!

[@rndmpinkiepie64]

4:41 "yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@lordscrewtape2897]

Here Up with people get down....sorta...🤷‍♀️

[@pikminmaster2165]

4:37 actually.

[@robvonk9131]

Ah, indigenous cuisine!

[@wesleychalmers7648]

With this! And this! And that!

[@cindydott452]

"Things with blinky buttony type things"

[@batesy1970]

This is my favorite MST3K short.

[@luisreyes1963]

Aaron Bates Weirdo. 😵

[@MarkLipka]

Me, too!!

[@lordscrewtape2897]

It's no Mr B natural but a solid effort nonetheless...

[@saltytrey]

A Quinn Martin production!

[@SpamNapkin]

Look, just COME here

[@calesgy]

HAHA MSTK riffin my island home. So cool

[@madeinamerica3620]

If you really mean that, I say you're a good sport, amigo.

[@Tubie1111]

"we would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend" 😂

[@luisreyes1963]

MignonneFille At least they're not Haiti.

[@shannongodbey7420]

"The music of John Philip Salsa"

[@cindydott452]

It took me a second to get that! LOL!

[@ashland1977]

Fun times at Guantanamo Lol. So many good lines in this one.

[@dianalewandowski7615]

"I'M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!"

[@SaesarSalad]

+DIANA LEWANDOWSKI "STOP WITH THE SEXUAL IMAGERY!"

[@dianalewandowski7615]

SaesarSalad lol yeah, that too!

[@kettle_of_chris]

I laughed hardest at that one

[@lharper2323]

“Don’t break my heart, my achy, breaky heart”.

[@JHATDRUMMER1976]

strawberries marshmallows tin foil and diamond balls hanging from trees

[@mpr3209]

So drink rum constantly! LMAO.

[@pittland44]

Mike Ryan Can Do!

[@LuckyPunkProd]

Can I just say that the fact that Puerto Rico just went bankrupt makes this riff even funnier?

[@cindydott452]

"Yes, no matter what the culture, folk-dancing is stupid" Mean spirited, but it made me laugh!

[@BrianBattles]

Notice more than half the company names they show are out of business?

[@ChristopherSobieniak]

We still have Penney's at least.

[@nomadcowatbk]

is the labor still cheap enough for Burger King?

[@lisvender]

I still miss Groovy Clothes :(

[@wfukfm]

I use several lines from this : The pink jeans company - comes complete with a Peter Framton album .

[@troubadour723]

OK, let's get funky now.

[@deanadams3099]

“Look just come here.”

[@JoeKaye-hn5dt]

Puerto Rico. Where the lock, key, and deadbolt were invented.

[@BloodylocksBathory]

4:05 Crow watches the car zip past.

[@s4ujcd]

11:16 OKAY, I'LL MOVE THERE!

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

'Puerto Rico's cultural institutions enjoy an international reputation -- For omelettes!'

[@Roadvirus1]

And thus is born Puerto Rico's most famous product...Rum. Woohoo!!!

[@hmbpnz]

God, I love MST3k.

[@songswithryan]

9:55 Then Kiss came to town! HAHA!!!

[@MrRevoltOfficial]

This is the funniest fucking thing I've seen in my life.

[@racheledwards2352]

Then KISS came to town

[@tskmaster3837]

"These will never go out of style." 1990s: Ha ha. 2000s: Ha. 2010s: Vinyl just sounds better, you know? 2020s: I know what that is, what tried to replace record players again?

[@pittland44]

Fun times at Guantanamo.

[@edwardbrook2029]

I just don’t think any short was as funny as this one. Mike was epic!!! 😎

[@CaptainLumpyDog]

Snow Thrills, man. I did it for the Snow Thrills. (Can you guess which short is my favorite? LOLOLOL)

[@Blyndtyger76]

That nosewheel feels mushy

[@MarkLipka]

"PUERTO RICO!" 🇵🇷

[@ChuckWood14]

Circle Pines is really thriving!

[@craigmelchiano72]

"I'm not speaking to you."

[@GaryYork-tk2ow]

"Look, just come here."

[@christieperry4361]

::record player:: These will never go out of style!

[@kaimln]

The crazy thing is I bought one a few years back, it has bluetooth 🤣 Vinyl is still going strong

[@lordscrewtape2897]

" comes complete with a Peter Frampton album"....that would be " Frampton comes alive"...

[@lavalampluva55401]

PUERTO RICO!!! PROGRESS!!! GAMBLING!!! A CENTURY AGO!!!

[@ZonnexNecton]

This age like fine wine.

[@drlee2]

“So you might as well just stay where you are.” LOL

[@ToyotaGuy1971]

I'm so hungry for rum cake now!