My Parents Invited Their "Friends" On A Family Vacation So I'm Refusing To Go r/Relationships

[@moonlightauras1]

OPs parents don't have boundaries. Sex acts in front of non-consenting people is not okay, and it honestly seems that their using their polyamorous relationship to sort of "rebel" against their children and perhaps parenthood in general. Also, real bold of them to say "it's none of your business" while they do their business in front of everyone.

[@jaymel4691]

Exactly. I also find it so strange and ridiculous that they can't just control their sexual desires for just one family trip. Why can't they just rein in their horniness for a few days to spend time with family? If they want to go on vacation with their friends, schedule a separate friends/lovers trip. These people are not family, to the entire family.

[@michaelmaiara4770]

@@jaymel4691 The parents are free to act however they want. They will have to accept the consequences of their actions making their children uncomfortable, and possibly not spending time with future grandchildren.

[@Shamazya]

I'm hoping the parents are overcorrecting on some bad beliefs they might've held surrounding sex and monogamy but can readjust to a more reasonable and healthy place.

[@MrJpaynebb]

I am opened minded and acknowledge that you can do things in your own home that you definitely can't in public however just because you can do them doesn't mean you should in front of other people. Parents and their partners have no tact. As for them saying they are grandparents as well that's a hard no. The vacation? Since almost everyone are adults the parents should understand that adults do not have to take a vacation with anyone they are not comfortable with. We all get to set our own boundaries as adults and this vacation would violate OP's.

[@DiZoSoMom]

Sexual acts in front of your kids, even adult kids, is a specific type of incest- documented, categorized, and studied. I find it appalling that the parents are not able to understand on any level that this is inappropriate. My bf of four years lives with myself and my kids (10,11,15… I also have a 22 yo who’s moved out) and I make sure to have a private convo with them once every few weeks to be sure they still feel comfortable and everything is good., that they know their feelings are valid, seen, and heard. They see us kiss and be silly together, but nothing inappropriate. I want them to see and understand a healthy, loving relationship so they know to expect good treatment from their future partners, but also to know that THEY will always come first to us. Period. You can live your unconventional “best life”, still have very happy offspring, and a strong family bond… just not by being assholes and ignoring the thoughts and feelings of everyone around you. These parents are just awful.

[@owl7072]

Story 1: "What we do is none of your business" That stops being true when you make inappropriate jokes in front of them and cram your daughter, son-in-law, and grandchild into one small room to accommodate your partners when it made more sense to put them in the smaller room since they're only two people, _and_ refuse to do anything about them referring to themselves as grandparents when your daughter, the mother of the grandchild, doesn’t want them to.

[@nonamenoface3654]

Don't forget flashing their partners while their kids are in the room.

[@KCohere33]

OP’s parents are just disgusting and horrible.

[@juliearmfield2634]

I honestly think I would have to be going low to no contact because it's obvious they do not have any respect for their children and boundaries

[@InuMokuba]

Exactly. Even for the sake of argument: yes it's the parents house and they don't HAVE to house their adult child/inlaw/grandchild. That said, it makes less sense to shove a nuclear family into one room and not the couple logistically and if they didn't want them there they should've made them leave the house. Rules are one thing, respecting the home and homeowners is one thing, but taking a family into the home to then just hang it over their head is another. Plus until the child can decide who they call a grandma or grandpa, the parents decide who is given family titles. It's fair they are in the "family" but it's like if step parents try to force their way in. No. They are family by proxy until others accept them in the role.

[@thecoolgrandma7208]

OP should have told her Mother that she made it OPs business when she flashed herself in front of OP and her husband. That they not only find it inappropriate but offensive that the other couple do it also. Don't blame OP for going NC/LC with parents after this. Going forward limit get togethers to public places and insist that it be with parents only not the other couple. Remind parents you are only interested in catching up with them: your parents, not their "friends". If they bring their friends (or they show up) then leave immediately. If your parents get offended and try to call you on it, remind them you specifically asked for it to only be your birth parents not those leeches. Let them get their own family. Speak only for you and your husband, let sister speak to parents concerning her own family.

[@One.DeSanctis.]

Poly + incest = oh hell no! ETA - sex acts in front of non-consentong voyeurs is harassment and hugely concerning.

[@birdbrain-kx7by]

What do mean by the incest? I agree with everything else tho!

[@shotwench2210]

Incest? I missed that part.

[@memequeen2373]

I think they mean the flashing in front of family members. Part of the appeal of flashing is that its front of other people, making them a part of the act. Therefore family involved (even unwillingly) in the act of flashing is incest in a way.

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

@@birdbrain-kx7byMaybe referencing that the four in the couple are flashing each other in front of OP and her sister and their partners? Otherwise not sure

[@jaimedritt4622]

@@fallingawayfromthenorm That's what I took from the comment, though I'm not sure if it's actually incest. It does seem odd that the parents are doing sexual stuff and flashing their naked bodies around their children and possibly their grandchild, too. That seems really inappropriate. If this is happening around underaged children, I could see CPS having a serious problem with this! It could be considered grooming. The sister and BIL should probably look for somewhere else to live since they have a young child.

[@carlrood4457]

The fact is most people don't even want to know what their monogamous parents do behind closed doors.

[@Whatsername4224]

Or their children. Or their friends.

[@CeruleanStar]

Story 1: There's a difference between not accepting someone and not wanting to be witness to their bedroom life. It sounds like OP's parents are in a poly relationship, which is fine, but they shouldn't expect people to be okay with that level of pda regardless of what form their relationship takes. I wouldn't be comfortable with my own parents flashing each other in front of me, and their relationship is as average as average can be. It's not about OP's Parents' relationship being swingers. It's about them not respecting OP's very reasonable boundaries.

[@dimsufferer9951]

Even if it were just the parents behaving that way in front of others, no other partners involved, it would still be weird

[@GiordanDiodato]

question, would you say the same thing about a gay couple?

[@CeruleanStar]

@@GiordanDiodato I'd say the same about any couple, or any single person. Doesn't matter what gender they are, what gender the other person is, how many people are flashing, etc. All the same to me. Honestly, I'd classify this as sexual harassment. They are purposefully exposing themselves sexually when they know others who don't want to be exposed to it are around to witness it. If this happened in the workplace, the person in question would be fired. If it happened in public, the person in question could be arrested. And then the parents got mad at OP because OP is understandably uncomfortable with the sexual harassment and because OP doesn't want to think of these people who sexually harassed them as family. OP's parents are okay with, supportive of, and even take part in this sexual harassment. They even ignored OP's concerns and tried to make OP the moral villain by saying it must be that OP is prejudiced against their relationship. The whole situation is really odd and uncomfortable, imo. I'd keep my distance, myself.

[@strawberrysangria1474]

@@GiordanDiodato Obviously. Nobody wants any random person flashing them; especially not their own parents.

[@jojocandy2025]

Agree. Id be uncomfortable too

[@strawberrysangria1474]

Story 1: “Its nobody else’s business! Now I’m going to flash all of you in front of my kids and granddaughter!” This seriously sounds like borderline grooming. Either the parents are idiots, or they know exactly what they’re doing.

[@bunnyslippers191]

To me it sounds like exhibitionist behavior. They get a thrill out of exposing themselves to people who don't want to see that "stuff" exposed every much as the creepy guy in a trench coat/raincoat flashing the women in the park. They get off on the shock and disgust their behavior generates or they wouldn't continue to do it.

[@valgardener7656]

It makes me think of the Eight Passengers case. The family is being taken over by outsiders in a way that promotes abuse of the family members, and the parents are totally on board with it.

[@Songbirdstress]

Everyone is forgetting the small niece. That's child abuse.

[@valgardener7656]

@@Songbirdstress That's why I'm reminded of the 8 passenger's case. Parent's just "happened" to move these guys in at just the time S, BIL, and baby were living with them. AND they moved the family of three from the basement where they had some privacy into the upstairs room, presumably near the parents' bedroom. OP needs to do a background check on these two.

[@oompaloompa83]

Story 1: As someone who literally grew up in a polygamous household (dad has 3 wives), this is not cool at all. All these crass comments, the calendar and flashing etc is totally inappropriate. None of ever knew whose room my dad was in at night and these kind of thoughts never occurred to me because they never acted inappropriately. To this day, I still don't.

[@vidyasreeram2587]

Where are you from,if you don't mind me asking?

[@oompaloompa83]

@@vidyasreeram2587 Born and raised in the UK, Nigerian heritage. Not Muslim.

[@MizTameRumors]

OP's parents 'what we do is none your buisness' Okay, so stop making it your children's business and stop bringing your sex life with your relationship with them.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

Swinging is fine, but trying to get your kids to bond with your swinger partners is so weird. Like they seem to be favouring the swingers over their own children. And the other couple calling themselves grandparents is so weird. This is all so weird. Omg. It gets worse. Fridge schedules for this Flashing each other in the presence of their children.

[@AlienoidGamer]

As someone who is poly and did engage in swinging before (I eventually came out as ace so left it all behind) having your partner couple get to know your kids and vice versa is very normal. But this family is a little too much forward with their relationship. When I was with my ex and the other couple, I was a second parent to those children like I still am today but I wasn't forced down the kid's throat. We bonded normally which is how it should be. This family is just a weird exception, considering the other couple as more family over their kids.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

@@AlienoidGamer poly to ace is such a plot twist 😂 I agree that them knowing each other can be fine. I was kinda writing as I was listening. So I thought when it said swingers that they hadn’t known each other very long. And it reminded me of stories of single parents bringing partner after partner to their home and expecting their kids to form relationships with them.

[@AlienoidGamer]

@@swearimnotarobot3746 yeah I get you. In the story it is clear that the parents are poly swingers and have a deep emotional connection with the other couple which is normal but to put them above your kids, that's messed up. As for poly to ace, I was also hard into bdsm so alot of people I knew were like wtf how does that work? I just reply with meh now as I got tired explaining it lol.

[@lifewithlee6298]

Reminds me of that Rick and Morty thanksgiving episode where Jerry parents bring there lover to dinner 🍽️ 😅

[@damien678]

​@@AlienoidGamer I knew I was ace before I got into being polyamorous, and I wanna try BDSM, I honestly get ya

[@Mia-dt3gl]

There is a LOT of info missing from Story 2. Like why do her kids hate her? What caused her divorce? What did she do to not have any custody of her kids? The third question is because I’ve seen drug addicts win custody over sober parents just because the addict was the mother. OP must have done something BAD to not only not get custody of her kids after divorce, but that she was estranged from her kids for _years._

[@GiordanDiodato]

and estranged from her mom

[@peachesnsht]

I do agree there's a lot info missing but, tbh, I do understand Op's perspective on the graduation. But I'm biased because of my own mom haha. Let me explain, my mom cut out her mom, my GM, a couple of years ago (also a lot of her siblings because of the issue with my gm). My gm used my mom as her scapegoat, she would never take accountability for anything and would throw tantrums left and right. On the other hand, my grandma was a really good grandma and I was the favorite grandkid so I got an even better treatment than my other relatives, including aunts and uncles. I was planning my wedding last year and, while working on the guest list, I decided not to invite GM because I would rather have my mom feel comfortable at the party rather than avoiding her abuser. Yes, my grandma was an amazing grandma still she was a horrible person to others. If Op went through something similar with her own mother, I would agree with her but, since there's no info, I have no opinion on the matter.

[@Jesper-te2yo]

Maybe it was because I didn't see any of 2nd OP's comments in the thread, but I was really curious why she was estranged from her mom. That could sway my opinion of AH or not. I'm guessing the verdict was deserving since she had problems with most of her mentioned family members. Not enough info for a clear vote.

[@juliearmfield2634]

​​​@@GiordanDiodatoit really makes me wonder what Op did to create such a rift between not only her husband but her mother as well. I think she screwed up big time but doesn't want to say exactly what she did because she is absolutely too ashamed. My bet is she got caught cheating with her new husband and she's mad at her mother because she caught her and called her out or maybe even told her husband about it.

[@SvarogAristaeusAllen]

A perfect example of Missing Missing Reasons.

[@AndyyWithAY]

I'm less than 2 minutes in and I'm disgusted and irritated AF. These people are NOT family. The parents sound like selfish teens, not people old enough to be grandparents. It's a family vacation. They can't just unilaterally make changes. The calendar on the fridge🤮🤮🤮 Like even if my parents weren't swingers this level of PDA would make me so uncomfortable. Has nothing to do with seeing OP as an adult. It's about them stomping boundaries and not caring about their children's wants or feelings

[@dimsufferer9951]

Imagine being a parent and being totally fine with making sexual gestures in front of your children. Even if it were just the parents it would be fucking weird but add in these “friends” and its even weirder

[@AlienoidGamer]

Yeah, this couple is definitely PoS for putting the other couple over the kids. It's not normal in the community to behave like this.

[@audreynothepburn7663]

They should’ve just kept the calendar on their phones 🤢

[@RoseBushThorns588]

For real ! Why the hell cant they put their stupid calendar on the back of their bedroom door where they do all their swinger bullshit ? And everything you do in front of somebody apparently is their business cus you just put them in it

[@katrinacassidy3540]

Story 3: one of the comments said that the family & friends won’t even remember or know who attended the funeral…. I can say that that is categorically false. As when my mum died, as grief stricken I was, I remembered EVERY SINGLE PERSON that attended as well as the ones who didn’t. For God sakes our next door neighbour who hated my bloody guts came up & hugged me & I just hugged him so tightly whilst sobbing uncontrollably. Just that small action itself was a huge step forward & showed me that he wasn’t all that bad. Just food for thought

[@ceeshnia]

Be that as it may, she may end up having a panic attack or meltdown. That won't help anyone.

[@ausnerl4355]

@@ceeshniaI have to say this but people breakdown at funerals all the time. That doesn’t take away from it. At my own brother’s funeral my own father the strongest man that I know I saw breakdown crying for the first time in my life and I was in my late 30’s this happened during Covid so no that’s not an excuse to me. And to this very day I remember every single person that was there and what they did for good or for ill. Yes funerals are for the living but it’s also a way for us to give our final farewells too. The sister could have been outside the place of the viewing just to show some sort of support and now have to be around the dead as she stated that would have been showing some sort of support. OP is right people will remember who was there trust me on that.

[@nekominato1570]

Yea compeltely... People care a lot about who shows up and who doesn't. I guess it might depend on the culture but. You could send a flower and a message to the funeral home if you really can't go.

[@ausnerl4355]

@@nekominato1570 you could send flowers or a card but if what OP said about how close they were to the family. Flowers and a card won’t do it they would forever give the sister a side eye.

[@nekominato1570]

@@ausnerl4355 that's for sure!

[@Inuyana890]

Last Story: as a black person, I can see the OPs perspective. Funerals are for the living and yea if the OP and the sister were as close as they claimed to be to the deceased it will be noted that the sister isn't there at the service or repass or graveside. For instance most funeral homes provide you with a guest book to sign so that the family can send you a thank you card afterwards so it can a will be noted who in your community attended. No tea or shade to the girl for having that fear but if it's actively stoping her from supporting her loved one in their time of need she should get help at least for herself. This also depends on the kinda social weight their culture puts on events like this. It could be entirely different from my experience.

[@tiryaclearsong421]

That's pretty common in a lot of white communities also. Funerals are for the living so people are absolutely expected to show up and pay their respects, even if they can only manage to be there for long enough to greet the bereaved and share their condolences. Funerals frequently break up families. The only time people are judged for attending is when they are only there to show off or disrespect the family. Which I think my family has turned into a competitive sport for who can be the most disrespectful to each other.

[@ceeshnia]

The first story largely comes down to: "You are forcing us into a nonconsensual relationship with no regard to our boundaries. Until you can be considerate of others, you will not be a part of our lives." If they cannot see why putting their daughter and their young family into a tiny space to make room for their new partners, trying to force a grandparent relationship onto them without the consent of the parents, won't consider the feelings of their children and are being overly sexual towards each other in front of others, then they cannot see beyond themselves.

[@yourmom2189]

Story 1: I used to be polyamorous. I have had multiple relationships at one time. But I would NEVER act like that around my children! That is SO inappropriate! I’m all for parents doing their own thing after their kids become adults. But they should still care about their children’s feelings. I live with my adult son and we both consult each other before even bringing anyone over. It’s called respect. Those parents are just selfish and mean.

[@rekslegiune6004]

So you got bored of this crap or you have hard time to finde stable relationship, that's why you live with your child? So what hapend with your child partner, you got divorced?

[@yourmom2189]

@@rekslegiune6004 my baby daddy is in prison ( I sure know how to pick um 🙄) and I live with my son because he’s autistic and struggles with a lot of adulting activities.

[@carlrood4457]

She's estranged from both her mother and her daughter. What's the common denominator? She called daughter selfish for wanting her grandmother at HER graduation and refused even one picture standing with their daughter. Who's the selfish one?

[@deedee157]

I have an aunt that has 5 bio kids and 3 step kids and none talk to her but she refuses to admitt she is the issue.

[@RandomTrinidadian]

I actually cheered when OP stated that she no longer has a relationship with her daighter or her other kids. Her suddenly feeling remorse is another case of Too Little, Too Late. She is all alone and has no one to blame but herself. I have no sympathy for someone like that. 15:32

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

Story 1 - Yikes on bikes. It may be their business but flashing each other in front of their children is beyond inappropriate regardless of how old their children are. I don’t know any polyamorous couples who would get that level sexual in front of their children. The parents sound like they’re trying to make up for years spent being parents and have little to no boundaries separating their personal lives and their family life, and they’re going to drive their kids away entirely. It’s also creepy that their partners are calling themselves grandparents to the niece, they don’t get to claim that when they don’t have a relationship with the niece’s parents.

[@DisneyChar]

My wife and i have friends. If our kids ever had an issue, then those relationships would stay out of the house. This relationship is gross, them prioritizing it over their literal grand kid is gross, them performing their kinks in front of non consenting people is a crime, or should be.

[@briansmaller7443]

My parents had a bad split. My mother harboured the types of grudges only an Italian woman can. At my uni graduation they sat next to each other and were perfect. Years later at my wedding they did the same, despite my MIL asking if we needed to get Dad into a stab-proof vest before hand :) They acted like adults - for me and my wife. Story 2 OP is a raging AH.

[@v8infinity8]

Grandmother here- GET YOUR KIDS THE FLOCK AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE. The Grandchildren should never have to see their Grandparents f%^& buddies. Your Parents are gr$$mers. Absolutely disgraceful with the PDAs etc. If they cant be discreet - keep then TF away from your kids. Bad scene.

[@stephmaj01]

I was listening and wondering if the reason they are so open around their children because they won't to ease them into the lifestyle. This is just gross, and honestly I would encourage your sister to get her kids away from that house asap before the babies see all the flashing and start displaying concerning behaviors. Little ones have big eyes and ears and it's going to come off of them in a huge way.

[@valgardener7656]

It actually makes me think of the Eight Passengers case, where a couple totally embraces a friendship with a therapist who promoted extreme abuse of their children, and they just went along with it.

[@satansecretary665]

@@stephmaj01 them easing them into this is like pushing someone into a lake and telling them this is how they learn to swim. but im so glad you said that about the kids, monkey see, monkey do. they need to go no contact with these people, its disgusting and dangerous

[@lifewithlee6298]

There’s a big difference between adults doing what they want and not being an adult and learning to not make out or worse in public

[@GBunnyG]

Story 2: Oh absolutely hell no. Your child's graduation is not about you. You're not even an afterthought if your mother supported her instead of you. I can't imagine the other things you consider petty are really that meaningless. You're lucky she wants anything to do with you at all.

[@RandomTrinidadian]

Correction: She doesnt have anything to do with her anymore. OP is all alone with all of her kids hating her and she has no one to blame but herself. Its amazing that it took her losing any relationship with her kids, to finally make her feel remore. Though i think she was still trying to fish for sympathy .

[@lisakaz35]

Indeed, in story 1, "their business" should be behind closed doors. If OP cannot and will not consider the other couple as family, his parents cannot force it on him. Parents are too self-absorbed to see it.

[@GiordanDiodato]

so no PDA?

[@HexStaria]

@@GiordanDiodatoFlashing each other in front of your kids is not pda

[@bunnyslippers191]

@@HexStaria Yep, flashing each other in front of your kids-no matter the kids' ages-isn't PDA. It's exhibitionism and is on par with the creepy guy in the park wearing nothing but a raincoat. He wants the attention he gets and the power he feels when he flashes strangers and the strangers are shocked and horrified. The parents in this story and their poly buddies want the attention and the feeling of power they get when the flash in front of their own children and enjoy the shock they create. These are some sick, disturbed people.

[@lisakaz35]

@@GiordanDiodato My parents didn't do PDA in front of their kids. Different generation? Perhaps that's it. But kids are typically weirded out about the thought of their parents having sex with each other and I wasn't aware that had entirely changed. As such, swinger PDA seems a bridge way too far.

[@Songbirdstress]

@@bunnyslippers191 Never mind your parents, I wouldn't be going round friends' houses who behaved like this.

[@jsanto210]

The swinger couple and OPs parents are getting off on the dynamic; there is no legitimate reason to be hypersexual around their kids

[@MadameDanteInferno]

Seeing parents kissing is gross enough. But having to see your parents kiss other people ah man feel for OP.

[@bethotoole6569]

I'm old.. my youngest is in his late 30's. Should their Dad and I mention anything to do with sex (between us as a couple,, clinical discussions are fine) they will both stick their fingers in their ears and start doing 'LALALALA' very loudly. It never fails to redirect a political conversation!! All are well adjusted, happy productive members of society.. in good relationships... No kid wants or needs to be involved in their parents sex/love life. Quite honestly.... I don't want to know about theirs either!!! People have just lost all manners!

[@lorifiedler13]

Kissing and being affectionate with your spouse/SO is fing. But seeing your parents acting sexualkt towards someone they aren't married to would be disturbing. Even after a divorce.

[@shadamyandsonamylover]

@@lorifiedler13that feels like social conditioning tbh. I think the line should be drawn at - would you be okay with that level of pda from anyone in public? If yes, then it’s being judgmental of their parents lifestyle. If no, then the parents and the kid just see very differently about what is acceptable. I personally think this is possibly an ESH situation.

[@ZoeAlleyne]

​...They flash each other when people are there, how is that an "ESH" situation? I wouldn't want to hear strangers talk about their schedule for partner swapping either.

[@Sherwoody]

Although there is no evidence of it in the story, could the parents be trying to desensitize their children and their partners to eventually add them into the mix.

[@Yeahno-ey3rb]

Story 1: The parents made it everyone's business when their friends moved in and they started acting in a sexual manner in front of children. I hope that OP steps in and helps her sister to move, maybe temporary into her home. The parents are selfish and so are the friends.

[@cattyanamontes5724]

Randomly flash each other in front of other people? A sex/ bed schedule on the fridge? Nope

[@TerraMcgarden]

As someone who was in that daughter's situation..... I just wanted one last moment of thinking I didnt have a broken family. I had asked my parents if it be okay if they would sit together just for the ceremony and possibly a group photo. Both hated each other, so i understood this was a massive request. Dad told me "I really don't wanna be near your mother, however, I understand how much this means to you, so I will." If they were to say no fine, but at least be calm about it. Nope. My mom was SCREAMING AND SOBBING telling me what an awful request and how dare I yadda yadda yadda.... this is my mothers usual. You would have thought I was asking her to be next to her abuser or telling her to shoot her cat. (Note: there was no abuse, they were both just assholes.) My mom's fit was so bad the one time I did see them both at the same time I was onnthe verge of a panic attack staring at my mom praying to the gods above that she DIDNT TURN AROUND. College was worse... so much worse... I had a literal mental break down because i was both so frustrated with my moms bullshit (i lived with her because cheap) and relieved I was never going to mother my own fucking parent again.

[@Wulfyr]

I'm not into polyamory but people can do as they please behind closed doors. The operable part of that sentence is "behind closed doors". I imagine that I'm a similar age to OP's parents (early 50s) but I couldn't imagine carrying on like that with no sense of embarrassment or self-awareness in front of a younger generation. They're so wrapped up in being iconoclastic and "different" that they can't see how they're impacting the rest of the family. The flashing, PDAs , sexual jokes and insisting on being seen as "extra grandparents" regardless of how anyone else feels about it leads me to think that they're not emotionally mature enough to successfully navigate this situation.

[@JoJoGranum]

Last story: sister has necrophobia or phasmophobia , fear of ghosts. I agree with the poster who said to gently suggest therapy for the fear. Anxiety disorders aren’t rational.

[@maryseflore7028]

Indeed. But also, irrational as they are, those disorders are REAL. The person suffering really does suffer, and having an anxiety attack to please people at a funeral is beyond unhealthy. Besides, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Their friend couldn't care less about sister being there or not, she's in another place now, and possibly knows sister has that fear and would not be offended anyway.

[@19Levsko19]

@@maryseflore7028 The sister should be there BECAUSE funerals are for the living. When one of my uncles died suddenly, one of my cousins refused to come to the funeral because of work. To this day my gradmother hasn't spoken to her and treats her like she is invisible. I understand she has a disorder, but when she is shunned by the family friends that will not make it better.

[@tiawheeler1153]

I have to agree with you on the necrophobia/phasmophobia thing. The sister actually SHOULDN'T be forced to go since the phobia (if it is something that she genuinely has) would likely trigger a panic/anxiety attack and either annoy or anger the other attendees who wouldn't understand (i.e. she would be damned if she did go and damned if she didn't if the family shows as little understanding of the situation as the OP does). She can grieve away from the funeral in whatever way she is comfortable with but I think that the OP is the antagonist for demanding that her sister puts that pressure on her sister for something she can't control and might be harmful to her psyche.

[@JoJoGranum]

@@maryseflore7028 I agree. I have anxiety disorder and whilst it’s not rational it’s definitely an illness. I have to take antidepressants and go through CBT. I can understand the phobia. I just wish OP was more understanding. Personally I’d write a memorial poem for the family and do some gesture if I were the sister if she is too afraid to attend the funeral.

[@JoJoGranum]

@@19Levsko19 well tbh if she is forced to go, would you suggest she be on anti anxiety medication for that today or are you also anti diazepam medication. I’m talking about Valium, Ativan, Klonopin.

[@JMac7395]

STORY 1: The parents know exactly what they're doing. The flashing & crude jokes in front of OP & others are being done deliberately. I think the parents want their house to themselves. But instead of having a mature adult conversation about it, they resort to childish passive-aggressive behavior. Like most self indulging people, when called out, they play the victim

[@alicewilloughby4318]

1:30 - Wow! Being cramped together like that must be putting a real strain on the sister and fiance's relationship! 17:35 - Has OP tried pointing out to her sister that Kat was their friend and therefore, if she is a ghost, she'll most likely be kindly disposed toward both OP and her sister? She'd be more likely to protect them in a crisis than to try to harm them or scare them. (Of course, this comes from someone who rather doubts the existance of ghost in the first place... )

[@mbyerly9680]

The two swinger couples are exhibitionists who get off on making their families uncomfortable. To heck with that. That's sick. Can you imagine how they'll behave when the grandkids get older? Yuck. On the fear of ghosts. Why would a dead loved one harm you in death when they loved you in life?

[@akl2k7]

Those grandkids are going to make some therapists a lot of money when they get older if they're still allowed around the grandparents.

[@tiawheeler1153]

I agree with you on the parents and their partners being exhibitionists that are getting a kick out of forcing the kids/in-laws/granddaughter to partake in their shenanigans. I hope that the sister can get away from that nonsense soon enough... As for the third story, the sister that the OP was talking about might have a phobia. Kind of like having an extreme fear of say crowds, the number 13, dogs, or clowns, it is more than a bit difficult to rationalize that maybe (X) won't be so bad or hurt me when the very thought of it causes severe anxiety or panic. In a sense, the OP is kind of making a bad situation by trying to force her to go to a funeral where she might take attention from grieving if she gets triggered.

[@jodieg6318]

*Bingly-bingly-bong-bing* Winner! Was in Avery simular situation a few years back; wS in a wedding party where the bride wanted everyone to stay in the same rented house as them on theor wedding night. I didn't want to hear their consummation (a tramua trigger for me) and told them as much. The whining and crying that happened followed by an accusation of kink shaming was too much and it had to spelled out: not being into a kink is not shaming. The people you are preforming your exhibition on have to be consenting as well!

[@ShokoraDeLeon]

@@jodieg6318wait...so their kink was WANTING people to hear them consummate on their wedding night?? I wouldn't even be able to look at anyone at the breakfast table if I knew someone heard me and my husband.

[@Tammohawk1]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. And there are many people who don't want their last memories of a loved one to be at the funeral. But sister is nuts for thinking ghosts are real.

[@tiryaclearsong421]

It sounds like she has a real mental disorder. She isn't nuts, she needs help. A lot of people believe in ghosts of some flavor due to the culture they were raised in, but it is uncommon to be this petrified. The person who said she needs therapy is correct.

[@BulletTooth504]

Story 1: The parents and their fuck buddies sound really creepy. Wouldn't surprise me if they were planning on getting OP, sister and their SOs liquored up and attempt to get them to try out the lifestyle. Keeping it "in the family," if you will.

[@tallyp.7643]

Oh man--had they been doing this the kids' whole lives, I would've been thinking "Fred & Rosemary West" pretty dang quick.

[@tiawheeler1153]

If you will excuse me, I have to go and down about 4 containers of brain bleach! 😁

[@BulletTooth504]

@@tallyp.7643 I don't what that means, but am too afraid to Google it.

[@Moonlit-Sorrow]

Tbh even if the sister didn’t have any beliefs in ghosts or a phobia of the dead, she still isn’t obligated to go. Some people really aren’t made to attend events like that. I for one know I would have a massive breakdown, faint, which would make a scene, and disrupt the ceremony because that’s sort of what happens when I’m very sad. That or I’d keep myself in a dissociative state that would make people think I’m indifferent. So… I just grieve at home, in my own way. Yeah therapy helps but it’s not like one session makes you instantlg ready to face something like that, so just… let her be.

[@CGossRunnn]

Story 2: Estranged relationship with her own mother, daughter, and now pretty much all her kids now, and is divorced. OP is the common denominator in all those situations

[@SaturnSenshi3105]

Those aren’t “friends”. Her parents are choosing SEX over them and the safety of their children. It is EXTREMELY dangerous to bring around non family related strangers around children and drastically increases abuse statistics. It isn’t just friends it is genuinely dangerous and her parents couldn’t care less because they’re having fun.

[@karendaniel620]

My children are in their 30's with kids of their own. If my husband and I decided to become swingers, they would just never know.

[@AlienoidGamer]

I hate when poly. open relationships or swinging gets a bad rep from douchebags and PoS parents. When you're an adult, act and behave like one. It's pretty simple at the end of the day.

[@juliearmfield2634]

Well you got to admit these two couples are giving it a very bad look.

[@Indi_Waffle_Girl]

Same!!!

[@AlienoidGamer]

@@juliearmfield2634 That's what I mean. Not like your going to find the good ones on this Reddit stuff but you know.

[@juliearmfield2634]

@@AlienoidGamer true lol

[@mitchelllongoria6616]

Or they could just be normal. At a certain point, “pursuing happiness” because a selfish endeavor. What’s more important, family or “being happy”

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

Story 2: OP barely mentions the grievances. How can we make a judgement. All we know is that everyone other than OP thinks OP is wrong (so it would seem like OP is in the wrong).

[@zerobolt9506]

I get OP'S the AH here, but the commenter can't say there's never NOT a reason to have a grandma or grandpa around, we don't know if she was abuses to the OP, not saying this for this OP in partial, but in general like even if they're nice or kind to grandkids, doesn't mean they nice & the commenter are be hypocritical here with saying one thing about the grandma & then another to OP, you get what I mean?

[@tully6648]

It really gives off that "missing missing reasons" vibe, doesn't it? The only difference is that apparently this estranged parent finally accepted her situation and is (seemingly) trying to do better.

[@dulcilass]

Personally, I solved the problem of having my family attend my HS graduation and college graduation. I didn't go to either. My feeling was that I didn't want to even have my folks or my dad's mom sit together or even be in the same room together. I felt sorry for my mom, but quite honestly detested both my dad and his mother. My dad was clueless to the last as why I didn't like him or his mother. There are times when people like OP have very good reasons to find the presence of certain other people to be unbearable. And there are times when their children don't have a clue as to why one parent feels such anger, hatred or fear of the other parent or family member.

[@thecoolgrandma7208]

Doesn't matter what happened between OP and her Mother, as everyone stated the day was about the daughter not OP. OP and her Mother didn't even have to sit together, talk to each other, not even acknowledge one another because again it was about the daughter/granddaughter. As for asking her daughter not to talk to the grandmother, once the daughter turned 18, parents have no say in who their children associate with. So get over it. But.... I'd like to point out that as adults we should allow our teenage children to form their own opinions and relationships even with people or family we don't like or get along with. We can't micromanage their whole lives, so unless that person is totally an abusive AH they might form a bond unlike the one you had with that person, and it would be their right. Or if they are really just an AH your child will notice and not want to have anything to do with them, and will ease your mind on that account sooner than if you tried to force it. Just be there as a sympathic shoulder to cry on when that person lets your child down. No "I told you so." Just say you are sorry they were disappointed. They'll look kinder on you for it.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

@@zerobolt9506I agree. But if she had a legitimate reason not to be in contact with the grandmother, I feel she would have mentioned it.

[@Night_Owl2023]

Story one, it seems to me that OP has more respect and common decency than the parents have in this story, what is going through their heads, they have in my opinion shown blatant favouritism toward this other couple, over their own daughter, son in law and grand daughter for crying out loud. The parent Need a serious reality check, from out of nowhere to hit them running into a brick wall at 100MPH. That kind of impact would be a serious wake up call to them.

[@WesBat]

For story 1 i have seen couples that swing and such be like this for some reason idk why its so hard for them to just not have their othwr partners around. Yes they are adults so they can do whatever the hell they want. BUT is swinging worth never seeing your child again? Maybe they are just that selfish

[@AlienoidGamer]

This family is just a weird exception to the norm. Partner couples always allow the other family to bond with their kids but I've never seen a couple consider the other couple more family than their own kids. But shitty people exist in all communities.

[@ndawn90]

My parents were swingers/poly and not only did they get way too talkative and inappropriate about their sex lives with me, my step-freak decided that it was totally cool to act out his apparent fantasy of having a threesome with me - someone who he "raised" from the time she was 7 years old - and my mom. And my mom went along with it. I try really hard to be open minded about poly/swinger parents, but frankly I have yet to see it done in a way that doesn't cross massive boundaries with the children who are involved. I'm sure it's possible - because let's be real here, it really shouldn't be that hard to keep your sex life to yourself, like the bar is literally in hell - but somehow it just doesn't ever seem to happen in my experience.

[@DarkVoid-hp6sb]

​@@ndawn90That's genuinely disgusting and I hope you're doing better

[@thatjeff7550]

Last story: I could understand where OP was coming from but I think she handled it poorly. I would have told the sister, "Yes, there may be ghosts there but it won't be anyone who wants to harm anyone, just old friends that we can't speak to ever again."

[@MzBatts1011]

While I can understand in the last story the OP sister having an irrational fear as someone who couldn't make it to her best friend's funeral in highschool because I was not mentally stable enough to deal with the loss and didn't want to make a scene at his funeral I understand where her sister is coming from so I would still say she is the AS in this case because their are other ways to honor her friend instead of going to the funeral

[@MegaAllst]

@@MzBatts1011yes, I also had an issue. My best friend's son died and I explained to her my own traumas related to family funerals, we shared our griefs later and it was all fine. She actually needed company after the funeral, the first week was busy and she had many friends around, but after that people returned to their everyday lives. So, yes, there are other ways to cherish their memories

[@PuppyKatt]

Story 3: YTA Who are you to decide how other people will react whether or not a person attends a funeral? Some people have a very difficult time, and it is up to you to be SUPPORTIVE, NOT JUDGEMENTAL.

[@KarmaTheDragon]

in story 1 it would be fine if the parents wanted to be swingers or Poly but like the issue is they are actively being sexual Infront of nonconsenting people & ignoring boundaries with the sister's baby. It'd be fine if they wanted to be like "hey OP's Sister we want to let you know that we would be more than happy to treat your child like one of our own grandparents and plan to, but if we over step feel free to correct us" what made OP's parents & their partners into massive fucking AH was schedules for when they swaped out in the open, flashing and being sexual around their children, is it in their own home? yes! but any civil person knows that's something you do behind closed doors not in front of company(Op's sis's family i am counting as temp company as they are trying to move out asap and the parents could easily do this in other rooms not in front of them) honestly if i was op i'd just go on a little trip the 4 of them and tell the parents to fuck off EDIT TO ADD: after just the first image of that update HOLY HELL NO it wouuldnt be anyones business if they didnt MAKE it people's business by ya know flashing themselves in front of their children disgusting

[@mariem8705]

S1- yeah, they’re ‘adults’, but they’re certainly not acting like it. They’re coming off as pervs in my opinion. Flashing each other, sexual jokes and full on pda in front of their children? Save all that nastiness for the bedroom.

[@faeangel7649]

The way I gasped when OP said they flash each other in front of everyone. At that point you're forcing a group of nonconsenting people to look at you, and the fact that they think it's fine because *they* consent to it says everything Not to mention stuffing an entire family into one room so two people can have an entire basement and trying to force your daughter to let your bf/gf be grandparents Ops parents care more about having "fun" then their relationship with their children. And if they ever break up with the other couple, they'll wonder why their kids no longer talk to them.

[@virtualatheist]

"Regardless of how ridiculous her fear is..." Nor is it your place to decide whether it is ridiculous or not!

[@uleubner]

Story 1: The situation seems, to me, analogous to when a divorced parent forms a new relationship, or remarries. The kids don't get to veto the relationship. But kids can have boundaries with the new partners. The new relationship with the parent does not create an emotional bond with the children. And the parents do need to be aware of appropriate behavior in public, with "in front of the kids" counting as public.

[@videofan1010]

OP#2 was probably a worse mother than she thinks she was.

[@Sir_Gerald_Nosehairs.]

The sister in the first story ought to call the police on her parents/the other couple the next time they expose themselves in front of her children. See if they think it's none of anyone else's business. The nicest thing I can say is that they seem like exhibitionistic narcissists, which would be bearable if they weren't being so around their own children. That pushes it from mid-life crisis selfishness to just plain creepy.

[@kerribottriell-baxter7345]

Now that I have seen your comment, I agree with this action.

[@Mudfire15]

A lot of people can't handle funerals. There are other ways to comfort grieving people. It doesn't really matter why they can't handle it, they shouldn't be expected to.

[@shebakoby]

story 3: Why is OP's sister afraid of HER FRIEND'S GHOST?! OP should talk to sis about why she think her FRIEND would want to hurt her from beyond the grave.

[@aengusdedanann181]

Yeah because irrational fears are always make 100% sense. Lots of people with arachnophobia can't stand them even if its just a pic.

[@shebakoby]

@@aengusdedanann181 yes i know but hopefully OP can use that example to show sis she needs professional help for this.

[@Qwerty95ish]

​@@aengusdedanann181yup and if a pic of a spider stopped you from being their to support loved ones you would also be bith stupid and in the wrong. Being afraid is okay. Being unwilling to face those fears in an objectively safe situation is not.

[@TortoiseNotTurtle]

​@@Qwerty95ishI mean necrophillia is also a legitimate fear. Fears can be triggering to some people and cause breakdowns and as stupid and bitchy as "Oh I am afraid of ghosts" sounds, not everyone wants to be near a dead body. I mean if I tossed a corpse into your room how would you feel? This is to the point where it effects how she eats. This isn't just a matter of "Yeah get over it!", as that attitude is rather ignorant. What if she freaks out and accidentally causes a scene because of it (as once again we've already seen physiological effects of this phobia). I think people are so hung up on ghosts and "ghosts aren't real" they fail to realize what's actually going on. This isn't a random superstition, this is clearly a phobia and phobias deserve to be taken seriously. It feels like the sis didn't know how ti explain it and got viciously manipulated by OP. Like go on, explain your phobias. You have 10 seconds go on. You may blurt out something stupid in the moment yes. Now imagine being berated for it. "Yeah you're fucking stupid, you're a bitch who deserves no friends. Why not get over it? It's so easy? You're so selfish." That's how I see it from the sis' perspective and having that can be very helpful. I have arachnaphobia and had times where I felt like I was in pain/danger if I saw an image of one. Tell me o' mighty one how I physically stop myself from doing that? Also, why does she need to attend again? She can show support in other ways. Not everyone wants to go to the funeral of a Deceased loved one.

[@ausnerl4355]

@@TortoiseNotTurtleyea no. Talk to me when you have to ID the body of your older brother because your father and older sister are to broken to do it. Talk to the corners office and the funeral home to set everything up. I’m sorry I have no sympathy for the sister. She could have been outside somewhere and said hey let me know when the service is close to being done and I’ll come close so I could show my support.

[@tatkkyo9911]

When i was young i would refuse to go to funerals especially if it was open caskets. I had a mixture of fear of the body but also not being able to handle seeing someone i love dead. Honestly i just feel bad for both as it seems they are both taking it hard. Op shouldn't be lashing out though.

[@lorifiedler13]

I won't go near an open casket at a funeral. Seeing a dead body in there is creepy. The sisters' fear is like this, but stronger. She fears the spirit/ghost of the deceased.

[@happyzahn8031]

last story: I'm with the commenter that one doesn't have to attend a funeral. The person is dead, it's over. The best time to offer support and show you care is when they are alive. The dead friend won't care one way or the other if they come. They can absolutely show their support, if they want, in other ways. Life is precious; live it while you can and support one another while you can.

[@TsukiKageTora]

They literally admitted to thinking it’s fine if they and their partners, who want to be a second set of parents/grandparents, want to flash and expose themselves with said kids and grandkids in room. Major ick factor.

[@Songbirdstress]

This person calling himself "Grand Pa" is flashing you...hmm...call CPS

[@amateurhourwithsam3356]

It’s like your parent bringing their s/o of two years and demanding you pretend that s/o is your family too. No adult wants that.

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

Story three: On one hand, the sister is dealing with an extreme phobia. On the other, OP kind of has a point: this can strain her sister's relationships with other people, especially if others aren't aware of her phobia. I hope the sister gets help and/or finds ways to cope with grief without attending a funeral.

[@cameronbird118]

honestly funerals never seemed like a big deal to me why force people to go ???

[@Varick76551]

If Kat and her family are that close a friends to op's family, especially as the sisters phobia affects her ability to even eat meat, chances are they are fully aware of it, and are probably not expecting the sister to attend anyway.

[@tabithadearth7507]

Story 1 is Incredibly inappropriate. Nobody else is consenting to see anything. If they want a bit of PDA how about a kiss or a hug? You know appropriate actions! The parents are straight up just shoving their life style down everyone's throat. Anyone would be uncomfortable with their actions.

[@crem-crem4070]

Story 1: I don’t even feel comfortable with my monogamous parents kissing for too long in front of me, let alone…copulating (for the sake of my sanity my parents have only ever had sex 3 times, once for each sibling). I’d feel so so sooooo uncomfortable if my parents were so open about their swinging. Story 3: my family would absolutely judge who does and doesn’t come to the funeral. Op was right to warn her, funerals are very big deals and honestly a phobia this bad needs psychological intervention not Molly coddling

[@mickymcbryan4814]

The problem isn’t that the parents are ployamorous. The problem is that the parents 1 and MOST IMPORTANTLY violate the consent of their own CHILDREN by flashing eachother and their partners in front of their children, including others in their kinks without consent is a form of sexual abuse and it’s HORRIFYING that they think that’s acceptable regardless of relationship status. It would be unacceptable if they did that to eachother in a monogamous context, it’s equally as disgusting and awful in a poly one. Then 2, the parents are consistently choosing their partners over their children. When a Parent has a non-bio parent for a partner and consistently chooses new spouses, partners, and step parents and their comfort over the well being of their children (like sticking three people in one small room so 2 people can have the basement apartment, or forcing children and grandchildren to refer to partners as mom and dad or grandma and papa without consent) these things are considered BIG red flags when monogamous parents introduce new partners into a family, and it’s equally shorty to do if you’re polyamorous. As someone has lot of poly friends and has been with poly partners, they always said the same thing. “Sometimes it’s not because you’re poly. Sometimes it’s because you’re an asshole.”

[@darkmask5933]

Final story: YTA, funerals are for the living and you should not feel obligated to go, even for someone you might have been super close to. You could step up and explain if anyone brings it up that your sister has an irrational fear of the dead and knew she wouldn't be supportive and accidentally take attention away from the deceased, but she sends her condolences and if grieving in her own way. Instead, OP tries to guilt-trip her sister and make an ultimatum (go or I'll probably cut you off). Sister probably need therapy, but to be honest OP probably needs therapy as well if they are letting their grief color a decision to cut off family.

[@ynmonroe]

Perfectly stated. I have always abhorred funerals and have sadly had to attend too many. I hate the social aspect associated with funerals as well. Too many people make it about obligation and "respect". I realized years ago that the "pay your respects" mentality is ridiculous since the only people around to care are the other attendees. That realization helped me change my mindset without guilt. OP is ridiculous. She would rather traumatize her own sister so that she can pass some kind of social hoops and "look good" to that family.

[@NotoriousEKB]

Why can't the sister step up and explain why she isn't attending to pay her respects to her very close friend? If she's going to damage her relationships, she should be the one to explain why.

[@ynmonroe]

@@NotoriousEKB Why does she need to? Where is it written that she owes anyone anything? Also, going to the funeral to pay respects only works if you feel you're paying respects. Not everyone feels this way; grieves this way. This is why people state, rightly so, that funerals are for the living. The deceased person doesn't feel any kind of way about it.

[@nelly2958]

S1, if it was just one parent dating someone else it still be nta. There is no excuse when it comes to controlling your self in-front of other people.

[@LaineyBug2020]

Story 1- I would get that child out of the house. Walking around flashing each other and talking about their sex life is no place for a child. Parents in normative relationships shouldn't be flashing each other in front of other people either. If Sister's family is currently in one room, they can be in one room in my house until they find something. I would have thrown down the line the first time they were inappropriate in public.

[@aurorarowley7310]

That last comment for the funeral story. You don't get THAT adamant that something doesn't exist unless you're lying to yourself. Anyway: op is definitely the AH. You don't threaten someone like that regardless of the reason. But most of all ESPECIALLY if it's for a funeral. She can find a different way to show love and support for their friend's family. Everyone mourns in their own way.

[@thecoolgrandma7208]

That last comment was uncalled for. You don't knock someone's fear or beliefs, just because you think it is irrational. Having a fear of heights, spiders, snakes etc... could be deemed irrational but it Doesn't make that fear go away. I can justify my fear of heights as not so much just being up high but that I take it to falling from that high up will cause extreme pain or even death. But it Doesn't make the intitial fear go away. That last commenter was entitled to her opinion but it Doesn't mean she was right. Everyone can have an opinion, but it is only right or wrong based on laws, moral ethics or how it effects the person in question. The sister that feels she can't go to the funeral can send flowers and/or a condolence card. That is more than enough.

[@TortoiseNotTurtle]

Even then the whole "ghosts" thing seems less like random superstition and something sis blurted out in the moment. Like imagine say being asked why you're afraid of bugs byou might say something dumb like, "their little leg things are weird". At this point sis is being bashed for something she probably blurted out hastily to explain herself.

[@ausnerl4355]

@@thecoolgrandma7208I think OP was letting her know that if the sister doesn’t go things will change because people in grief act in way that you can never understand. The sister’s fears is her own and the family’s grief is also their own. So if they don’t see her when they are at their lowest and needing support from someone that they thought the were close to they are going to lash out and I don’t blame them either. OP just was trying to tell her the other side of the coin so to speak. She has her fears but they have their pain. So yes some people well see the sister in a different light and that’s the truth. Flowers and cars don’t mean anything to people when they are breaking down from the pain. What they really remember is the person that held them in that moment.

[@randomnames404]

From the second story alone, whenever my, badly divorced, parents where both at the same event because of me, they kept EVERY grievance with each other on freeze. I still have a couple of pictures with both of them and their spouses all together around me. Because i, their child and my experience was more important than their resentment towards each other.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Unless your mother let you be sexually abused or something unforgivable, there's zero excuse for not even being in a room with your mother. OP is incredibly selfish. When your loved ones tell you YTA, you're almost always doubly YTA for even asking. Why are you asking strangers when your loved ones already told you that you were a POS. Damn 4 years later and OP has lost 3/4 children. She doesn't deserve her children. I hope she does sort her 💩 out. Sometimes it is too late though, even if you change. Even if you change, you're not guaranteed forgiveness

[@iSmileyPerson]

For Story 3, I have to say YTA to OP. I also have a fear of death/dying. It’s doesn’t revolve around the paranormal for me, though. Personally, I used to get random intrusive thoughts about the people I love dying and it would send me into a panic. There were times my legs would give out while I was sobbing, or if I was at home I’d have to get up and immediately go run off the adrenaline. Thankfully, I don’t deal with those nearly as often as I used to. But currently, I still cannot be in the presence of a dead body. In the past few years, both sides of my grandparents have passed away, and I couldn’t bear to look at them when I went to the ceremony. There was one time where I had accidentally been shuffled around in a room that had a window where I could see my grandfather and my legs gave out during my panic. The other time was my grandmother, I tried to stay in the back for the ceremony but I kept catching glimpses when people would move and so I had to leave quickly and quietly to go find a corner in the lobby where I could try to stop myself from hyperventilating. This is to say, OP’s sister probably knows herself well enough to know that she’d cause a scene if she got triggered, and it would be better and more respectful to the family if she didn’t go. Maybe the sister can go to the funeral reception if they’re having one.

[@roxyclaire3982]

if u arent in therapy for anything u listed here it rly is saying alot about the current situation in todays society, i can only imagine the sister getting terribly sick do u rly think shes gunna go for her family saying they cant be there for her because they have a fear of docters and sickness ( which after the pandemic mind as well be a thing) uhm i dont think so. She would be expecting their support rightfully so as her family and obviously resent them for not showing up. Personal problems or not it amazes me how ppl cant stop and think for a second tht its not about her, op is literally grieving the loss of her best friend and jus to hear ur other friend/sister say i cant go because of some absolute bs is insane and i wouldn't look at her the same either.

[@ausnerl4355]

@@roxyclaire3982I remember when my uncle passed in ‘03 it hit me really hit me hard and I really couldn’t be in the viewing (I was 21 at the time) but do you know what I did I sat outside the church where his viewing was held and made damn sure that my aunt knew I was there there. Why because it wasn’t about me.

[@starbird3939]

Yeah. Being in the room during my grandma’s passing would cause me to go into a crying, sobbing fit that wouuld not stop. I sat in the back, as far as I could, because seeing her made me sob. And then I watched Wandavision not to long after and got immediately retraumatized. 2020 was the worst year

[@ausnerl4355]

@@starbird3939 oh o feel you so much ok that one. To this day I can’t watch that show eight simple rules for dating my teenage daughter because my uncle died the same week as the father (John Ritter) and every time I see that show I think of him.

[@iSmileyPerson]

@@roxyclaire3982 I’ve been seeing a therapist for 10 years now, hence why I don’t have nearly as many random panic attacks. But I still know that situations like funerals will trigger panic in me. No one can really control when or where a panic attack hits them, or how intense the panic will be. I’m assuming OP’s sister doesn’t want to go so that she doesn’t unintentionally cause a scene. I’m not saying she shouldn’t show up for anything at all, I just don’t think she should go to the viewing/burial if she doesn’t think she can handle it.

[@Russman67]

Story 1: The parents have a right to do what they want as far as their relationship goes. Conversely, OP the sister and their significant others have the right to do what they want. If the parents maintaining their swinging / polyamorous relationships doesn't work for their children then the parents need to get used to being held at a distance.

[@tallyp.7643]

They'll start regretting it when they start dying off and realize nobody in their families will give a crap about who is left because they pushed the kids away for a shocking thrill and lifestyle.

[@rachelwitherspoon4394]

Story 3 NTA If they are in a small rural town, or a close knit community, not going to the funeral COULD very well blow up her relationships within the community. Its seen as a sign of extreme disrespect to the person whos funeral it is, and disrespectful to their family as well. Noone (normal)goes to funerals and enjoys being there, but you freaking do it anyways.

[@TsukiKageTora]

Story 2: it wasn’t even about the graduation for me to say YTA. It was more about how OP was like dismissive of her daughter’s feelings calling it “teenage grievances” that “she should have moved on from it by now”. Literally don’t dismiss your child’s feelings, it may be childish but it is worse to dismiss them as nothing cause you don’t feel the same way

[@orchidoxs126]

If it was just, them kissing it just being affectionate. I would've told op tough toe nails. But the problem isn't them being affectionate, the problem is them being blanatly sexual in front of unconsenting people, including their own children. I mean, they flash each other...in front of their children?! Yeah adult children but still that's gross and violating. And pretty sure illegal. Exposing yourself to an unwilling party....

[@jamisonosborne]

Story 3: YTA Necrophobia is a very real, medically recognized condition. It is often the result of trauma, such as witnessing a traumatic death as a young child, and requires specialized therapy to address. Necrophobia can involve dead bodies (both humans and animals), graveyards, funeral homes, morgues, and ghosts.

[@ausnerl4355]

Are you saying that she could have been outside in the parking lot waiting for them to come out of the viewing to show her support then. She wouldn’t have to see the body or be anywhere near it. Her fear is hers but that day wasn’t about her. I think that the point OP was trying to make. And yes people including the family will look at the sister differently if she tells them I didn’t go because of my fears. Rational or not the family won’t care because she put herself first. To them that shows how much she really cared in their minds. Is the sister going to do the same thing if OP passes then too?

[@sighthoundlady15]

Dang, the parents in story one are absolutely revolting. 🤢🤮 I’m honestly really concerned about the grandchild. They moved this couple in, who knows what they might devolve too, they’re already aggressively pushing their sexual lives upon them, boundary stomping all over the place. Is it really too much to speculate on what they may end up subjecting that child too if given the chance? I’m honestly super concerned. I hope they can get away from them sooner rather than later.

[@valgardener7656]

Story 1: "I'm sure this makes me sound like a bad person". Oh, brother! Parents are acting like sociopaths, and OP can't object without bringing down PC wrath upon her head. It's deeply disgusting. I don't know why OP "deeply loves" parents like that. Have they always been narcissists and exhibitionists? Or are they being manipulated by this other couple? They seem to be weaponizing this "poly" relationship against their own children in a very aggressive way.

[@momo-cchi5978]

I aint never been THIS early to a mark video lol

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

Story one: *It's like they're asking to be put on a sex offender's list.* I don't care if they're "living their best life"; they can do that without involving *their family, especially their grandchildren,* in their flashing antics.

[@rachaelclark8465]

Story 3) I believe in ghosts too but, I would never not go to a funeral because of my beliefs. Especially if it's a funeral of a close loved one.

[@jshoemaker4934]

When you are sensitive to the spirit world, you see and feel what others do not. They ignore the sudden cold feeling that makes them shiver on a hot day or going to a home and getting a uneasy feeling. For some people those sensations are so strong they trouble their spirit. GOD gave us instincts, obey them. The sister may live a long and happy life because she is aware and paying to her attention. What is the saying, Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread. Family should be supportive not destructive and support their sister who is in distress. Not brow beating her into submission. Shame!

[@grungekitty77]

20:15 Nobody was deeming it "rational". The problem was that "HEY! FORCE YOURSELF TO CONFRONT A PHOBIA/TRIGGER YOU DON'T FEEL READY FOR AT AN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED TIME! NO, I'M NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST. I JUST THINK YOU SHOULD STOP BEING CRAZY BECAUSE IT'S INCONVENIENCING PEOPLE!" isn't by any stretch the correct way to help her.

[@taetannim3581]

Oh, the family absolutely notices who does and doesn't come to the funeral.

[@errantwinds-up8uu]

Story 1: Even if it were only OP's parents flashing each other, that's definitely OP's business if they have to see it! Her parents need to grow up, because this isn't about them being swingers, it's about respect.

[@davidransom4476]

I wouldn't be around my parents if they acted like that, and if they came to my house the "friends" would not be allowed to come over. I'd likely go no contact due to their behavior.

[@nataschavanzanen]

It’s a question of consent. This couple isn’t just into swinging/polyamory, they are into having an audience. Their CHILDREN did not consent to fulfilling this aspect of their fantasy. That’s a reasonable boundary for anyone, but if it concerns your literal parents, doubly so. The parents and their ‘friends’ need to go to clubs/parties where their antics aren’t just tolerated, but actually appreciated. Involuntarily involving the general public in your kinks, is a no go. And while polyamory clearly isn’t a kink, going out of your way to make sure the world knows what you get up to, definitely is. Flashing each other, and leaving out notes detailing who is sleeping with whom on what night, goes way beyond showing affection to a partner.

[@Kirby-zp6cg]

“It’s none of your business” exactly so stop SHOWING IT TO ME THEN!?

[@ashleyvogt4449]

Story 1: hell no, I would have gone low contact with parents if that is how they are going to behave Exactly mom “it’s none of our business so stop putting it out in the street to make it’s our business”

[@rickraber1249]

Story #1: Seems like OP's parents are so darn proud of their rather twisted lifestyle that they think the rest of the family should be forced to be spectators. Regardless of one's opinion of polyamorism, who wants to watch other people make out? Sex is not a spectator sport, even PDA's. Their prioities are also off-kilter: stick the other couple in the small room, and give the young couple and baby the basement.

[@mewmedic]

Story 2: if the mom (OP) causes so many problems, why did her daughter give her what she wanted and disinvite her Grandma? Sounds like she should've had a normal ceremony with her Grandma.

[@LadyBern]

Keep in mind in the story the daughter had brought it up with the op some time after the event and I think after some therapy or time enough away to feel ok to bring up/voice these grievances. If she had been living with her at the time of the graduation and given the fact op was a nasty narcissist she probably emotionally guilted/abused the daughter who was too beaten down then to realize that her best choice was the grandmother not her mom throwing a tantrum.

[@rsmith6425]

My grandparents missed my fathers funeral, not due to ghosts or anything just selfishness and I can tell you I will never forget they were not there for my mum

[@ThePlayer4our]

"Sorry, I vant attend a funeral because of the ghost" is such an insane take and not surprising that reddit took that side

[@johneddiecox741]

Anybody ever tried to flash themselves in front of my kids, you better believe I would be calling the police and pressing charges of indecent exposure to a minor. That is disgusting on many levels, and both the parents and their friends need to be on a list and kept as far away from that child as possible. I agree with some of the other comments that they’re probably trying to grease the hinges so to speak and get the daughter and her husband involved, and possibly even the granddaughter in the future. Yes, I’m reading all of that from them flashing themselves in front of other people. And that’s not even to mention how horrible they are for kicking their daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter out of the larger room just so their friends could have it and forcing them into a small room that’s probably only big enough for a child. These people are awful, and the kids will be better off if they cut contact completely, or had a very limited contact, which includes you do not bring your friends around my children.

[@TheDreamingofFreedom]

I disagree about them wanting incest. They're being immature and inappropriate. They don't care who they upset, or they get off on making others uncomfortable. Or they're encouraging the family to move out. It's their home and they want to behave that way. The kids can say we don't want to be around that and move out and not visit.

[@faeriefire78]

I wonder how the parents would react if their OP and her sister started acting really sexual and inappropriate in their faces. Nah, they wouldn't be so laid back about that. And kicking their daughter's family out of the larger space to cram them into a bedroom, when the natural choice for a couple would be to take the bedroom? Wow. Sad that this was going to be the only family vacation they've ever taken but the parents can't detach from the other couple's junk long enough to spend time with their kids while they still can.

[@zs1570]

Story 1: The couples aren't true swingers, everything about the "swinging" subculture is about respect and consent. They should be respecting the boundaries of other people, and acknowledging they did not consent to be apart of their adult games. Story 3: The first step of treating mental illness is to not reinforce it, everyone calling OP TA because she needs to tip toe around her "phobia" is insane and needs treatment themselves.

[@IsisRenee1]

NTA for telling sister she can’t skip a dear friends funeral because she’s scared of ghosts. If someone said that to me about my family members funeral I wouldn’t talk to them anymore either.

[@AlvisBarnes-p3m]

1. Swinger couples are NOT family. 2.She should have invited the Grandma and NOT the mother. 3. YTA. Fear of funeral is real problem.

[@TheLugiaSong]

Story 3: why are people givin a shit about who attends a funeral... It's for _you_ to pay respects, others can do as when and if they see fit, if she doesn't want to attend because it would not help her, why is that any a your business? It's a spiritual belief and a phobia, doesn't matter if you don't believe in that stuff too, what she is doing doesn't hurt anyone, she's not not attending because she doesn't want to give respects but that it would be more harmful than helpful.

[@myrabeth77]

There are a lot of people in the world who don't do funerals, people without associated phobias. They prefer other means of mourning or honoring the dead. There's nothing wrong - or even especially rare - about that. OP simply needs to tell anyone who asks, "My sister sends her love, but she prefers not to attend funerals."

[@lyndellrobinson3611]

Exactly this. ❤

[@rodneymcdermott5303]

Story 1, that’s some no contact stuff for me. I’d nope completely out of everything with them.

[@BraveryWing26]

I loved the second story. I hope OP's daughter lives her best life while OP sinks into deep regret.

[@daniels7832]

Story 1: I think OP is 100% wrong in their stance here. OP needs to be honest with themselves to understand that they do have emotional issues with their parent's now open relationship, and is actively wanting to dampen their happiness. I'm assuming to get back to their lives before they were told. And I'm mainly getting this vibe since OP continues to refer to the other couple as the parents, friends, not partners. This is no longer new news to OP. OP is an adult. The parents at least waited until then. I know it's weird, but OP needs to understand that in this scenario of the vacation, OPs parents are bringing their partners/loved ones on a family group vacation. It's a similar situation to me if OP mother was married to someone else, and wanted to bring the "step-dad" along. But OP was like, no, it's me or him. - as for the minor household stuff, it is, just that, it's, minor and can be fixed with communication. Like having a visible calendar on sleeping schedules? That is really an OP issue, and OP is an adult. - now this is just my take, as someone not in the poly lifestyle. But I feel like I can easily see the parent's side here. My children are now adults, and we now want to live our lives to the fullest with their loving partners. Clearly housing your daughter, her BF and grandbaby can never really be anticipated. Same with poly partners being houseless. But parents are supporting everyone here. I just feel like OP has a personal issue with the outcome and is stomping their feet to be heard.

[@cookingkurry4384]

I totally agree I'm in a poly relationship , an the OP is wording this in a way that downplays the partners to "The people they screw" status (calling them swingers/friends), instead of them being the bf/gf of said parents that love each other. They did wait till both kids were adults and they had their own life, So the (the horror/s) PDA in their own house is fine and dandy, heck my parents still do PDA in front of me but I act like an adult and it's their house, (the only off thing is the flashing that can off putting, but that can be fixed with a discussion.) Plus the sister living with them is only a one income family in this economy, and the reason they are living with them is because, let me guess....the sister wants to be a stay at home mom, which makes their situation their own fault, I would not be surprised them moving to the smaller room is in a way to push them to put a light under their butts and the sister get a job while they have the grandparents to take care of their child while they work on getting their own place. Nothing in this story screams gr00ming at all (maybe it's because it's an alternative relationship. I guess cause people think if something is not normal it must be cause they be screwing children right?), not sure why people are coming to this conclusion. Edit: They been with the other couple for 2 years, that screams that they are more then a swinging couple.

[@draughtoflethe]

I kind of got a similar impression about the way OP spoke about their parents' partners. On the other hand, *if* there's flashing or explicit sexual remarks or anything else NSFW going on in the communal areas of the house/around people not part of the parents' relationship, that's obviously grossly inappropriate and justification for going NC. But OP isn't exactly making themself the most reliable witness, given the dismissive way they talk about their parents' relationship. In this context, you're right: poly partners are on equivalent footing to step-parents in terms of the degree of familial connection that exists.