Narcissistic Family Beliefs That Caused Childhood Trauma

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@SuzkaMares]

This is so true. Toxic families will shame you and put you down for any and every 'life' mistake you make. Yet they make 0 effort to teach or support you in learning about how to live a good life. You end up parenting yourself.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes I will thank them for nothing when I suceed

[@olilumgbalu5653]

It's not even about shaming you for any mistakes you may or may not have made but trying to dictate how you live your life/try to force you to live like them (e.g. religion/spiritual beliefs, career, marriage, children, etc).

[@garyconstant4234]

Yes that is so true

[@BlazeIsBOSS]

Exactly

[@jiayili437]

Don't forget the taking all the credit for your accomplishments without putting any effort in your development + shaming you in the process. :(

[@louisecampbell2628]

This is what I think about boundaries being violated by family. It says to me LOUD AND CLEAR!!..We own YOU!!

[@adimeter]

That's exactly how my dad treated me. I can still see him glowering at me. That was the worst scowl in the world. I was certainly no match for his toxic scorn.

[@adimeter]

He's dead now over 40 years, but I have not gotten to the forgiveness response yet.

[@adonaiel-rohi2460]

A lot of people have a sink or swim approach to parenting. No preparation, they just toss their children into the deep end and shame them for flailing.

[@helendayle6502]

3. "Shaming and fear gets things done/results." Wshew! I'm working through this in therapy-at age 51. All fear and shame has done for me is causing so much damage.

[@---kx1xc]

anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

[@adimeter]

My gf's and their mothers used to cook together. I never learned anything useful from my mother. Didn't learn to cook or clean but self taught after I was married and had moved out of HER house. Instinctively I knew to stay out of HER kitchen.

[@josiah5776]

I wrestled with the religious "honor your parents" thing. Both my parents were narcissists. It took me decades, but I finally realized that if they did not at least try to uphold their biblical responsibilities, then I was under no obligation to treat them different from any non-believer. Do no harm, but have nothing to do with them.

[@BudFuddlacker]

I’m overwhelmed just realizing this all now in my mid 40’s. I was shamed my entire childhood/teen/young adult life and still today. I’ve never been able to have any healthy friendships or romantic relationships or holding a job working with others. My parents never taught me ANY life skills, yet SHAMED me for anything and everything I’ve ever thought or done that didn’t line up with their exact way of thinking. I feel I’m reaching a breaking point, realizing how screwed up my family has been this entire time, and have no hope for the future

[@heatherotte4888]

It’s never too late!!! You are here learning skills and principles. Internet hugs to you and best wishes. It’s a tough road, but you have also gained compassion and an awareness I guarantee few others possess.

[@amarbyrd2520]

Everything heatherotte4888 said. You're here now, and you're learning as fast as you can. We can't know till we know.

[@finehowareyou]

you took the words right out of my mouth💕

[@monaj33]

You figured it out, now tell them to fuk off every day (call on their higher self, they will get the message spiritually and subconciously) and start loving yourself! ❤

[@sarahstrong7174]

I really wish I had someone to talk to when I was a child. I tried to be respectful & obedient & polite & helpful but I was being sexually abused & repeatedly beaten unconscious & although I obeyed & was polite, all the time I was thinking that I definitely did not want to be like my parents.

[@cindymccafferty8346]

My take is that rules don’t apply to them. They are perfect and never make mistakes. You will never hear them say, “I was wrong.” There are no boundaries for them. They can dig through your things and not give you any privacy. Destroy your possessions if they want or give them away. It’s like acting, trying to make people in public think you are the perfect family. Nothing’s wrong.

[@deena7155]

There was a lot of trauma in my childhood but I think it was even worse as an adult. My fault for not having these tools and I gave them the chance to do the right thing that they never did. I had a very triangling narccicistic mother. She turned every one in the family against me. And I mean EVERYONE. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, siblings my OWN children even. And the learnig curve thing. Spot on i wasnt allowed to have that. If I didnt learn on their terms and their time than I was immature.

[@LR-yu3mx]

A malignant narc parent, one have to tip toe aronskelke them, because they cannot tolerate the slightest criticism

[@sarahstrong7174]

Thankyou for sharing.

[@LR-yu3mx]

Many parents are not an example for their children.

[@rebellaire55]

I just realized that with my ndad too. He was a bad example. Started to unlearn 95% of his teachings in my 30's.

[@sarahstrong7174]

@@LR-yu3mx True, toxic families teach you that you are worth nothing, you do not deserve any love, you do not deserve respect & you do not deserve to be listened to or treated as an equal. Not beliefs that are likely to lead to a worthwhile career or happy relationship.

[@ljo0605]

The last one was a big one in my family. I quit so many courses growing up because I struggled in some way or didn't get it right first time. My parents attitude was you can either do it or you can't, there was no room for learning or making mistakes.

[@Heath-jq8xj]

I'm right there with you on this one. All I got from my parents when I felt inspired was either dismissed or them playing devil's advocate

[@equalityforall5620]

Great advice. I really related to the first one: "Boundaries are for uncaring or cold families." That's certainly what I grew up feeling. It also really helped to hear your views on Honoring thy parents." I would love to hear more about parents' obligations to their children, because I never knew they had any. I never knew parents were even supposed to provide for their children. I was always worried about money growing up, and that worry has stayed with me through all stages of my life. (I'm now 75). I always felt I had to move fast because I had a very impatient narc father, but then I was always shamed by my mother for moving fast. I had to be both fast and accurate. Also, I'm so glad you came to the understanding that "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." Otherwise, we wouldn't have these great tips!

[@CritterHouseUSA]

One thing I find very frustrating is the lack of clear instructions in the Bible about treating your kids with respect. The only one I have ever been able to find is: “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4 NKJV). But even that just points back to the idea that the "kids" must follow the rules of God, which can still give parents the excuse to blame you for not following what they (supposedly) taught you. I'd love for someone to show some better examples. One of the Ten commandments should be: "Do not hurt your children, either with your voice or physically."

[@analuisabastossousa1]

Colossians 3:21 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

[@bethtaylor9773]

How about 1 Corinthians 13? For everyone, including children.

[@deadparrot5953]

​@analuisabastossousa1 As a teenager, I once shouted that verse at my mom, telling her that it should've actually said "mothers" instead. That did not go over well AT ALL, but it felt DAMN good to say!

[@adimeter]

There is one. I can't quote it exactly... sys something about not harming one hair on a child. And it comes with warnings.

[@adimeter]

YAY! I found something helpful..look up Matthew 18:6.

[@finehowareyou]

one day i looked in the mirror and said "i'm not sure i am actually that bad"

[@northstar5919]

💜

[@Doobeedoo-xd1mw]

When I finally escaped the abuse and got wise, I saw my own reflection for the first time in 60 plus years.

[@matia20440]

"Don't air your dirty laundry" It wasn't my dirt but I internalized the abuse.

[@stevet4564]

The neglect of my medical needs as a child caused my lifelong physical disabilities. I was in a bodycast by eleven due ignoring symptoms at four yrs old. My home life was to be secret "private". The shaming, the threats trained me to remain silent, confused and uninformed due to the purposeful isolation. If I'd had 50yrs worth of life experience and knowledge as a toddler I probably wouldve been able to navigate the sea of dysfunction... unfortunately I'm not savant..lol Peace

[@Denise-y2c]

I agree.

[@TraciHallstrom]

My daughter has placed a boundry- I miss her terribly- it has taken me a bit to understand- my original thought “how dare she? I’ve raised her “. But I no longer believe that just because I’ve raised her and well by the way that it gives me license not to behave to the best of my ability ❤

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Bless you💓! This is awesome.

[@marciestoddard730]

yeah its unfortunate that you did not change your behavior in time for her to work through it with her. it is presumed that she tried many times before it got to this point correct?

[@michignamymichigan]

They do whatever they have to keeping you from talking about mistakes you feel they are holding against you. They have blocks set up when you try to apologize later, usually gaslighting. The red flag was earlier when nothing went smoothly for my mess up, as it does for any of them.

[@ar7tis5227]

Thank you for the TRUTH!! You and the people who comment on these videos help me so much!!!! Shame is a lie and it is toxic!!!! We may make mistakes, but we are enough!!!!

[@TheMoonkelly]

Natural consequences are far better than shame and fear. Choices have consequences. That’s what I do with my preteen.

[@joshua255860]

Outstanding, Jerry. Thank you. These are dead-on excellent. Eileen

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for watching Eileen

[@joshua255860]

@@jerrywiseJerry, your work is outstanding. You are helping me and so many others. May goodness always surround you. Eileen

[@narcissismexposed1014]

Thank you 💚💯Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.

[@rebellaire55]

This 💯💯💯

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

Thank you for naming these characteristics. I know all of then. 😔

[@gojiberry7201]

I relate to the boundaries, enmeshment, and secrecy ones especially

[@christinefarris6985]

It's always so amazing how seen I finally feel in these videos ❤

[@adimeter]

We just didn't know.

[@lorenartforall]

Yes, exactly that! Never second chances so learning or growing Is not allowed.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If you're interested in exploring more about growth and learning, consider joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.

[@lorenartforall]

@@jerrywise i've already registred ❤️

[@lapreciousmarcus8793]

You have just described my childhood and family of origin. This is the constant work that I am constantly working through. Thank you so much!❤ your videos have been a true blessing to my life!

[@steffiekensley8743]

Agreed, Jerry! The Bible also cautions a father not to provoke his children to anger AND it says it is better for someone to put a millstone around their neck and drown themselves than to harm a child. So, when they harm a child, this is in direct defiance of Father Abba's command. Harming a child is not honorable and consequently not worthy of being honored. ❤

[@karenkasteler942]

Another GREAT video....I was so confused about intimacy.....and was "all oceanic" in my relationships...now I do set boundaries....and save my enmeshment for God. Thanks Jerry...and I now say...like you.."anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.".....just to Get.....Moving...

[@bethtaylor9773]

I love that! 'save my enmeshment for God' - thanks for putting that into words so well!

[@adrianadelassereed]

Thank you, so much, Jerry!!! As clear and useful as always 😊. These topics certainly are taboo for many.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome! I'm glad it was useful

[@ericb8413]

This was very helpful! I hadn’t thought of it before but it’s so true about being able to learn and not be shamed. Myself and 2 siblings endured lots of beatings due to narc fathers rage. No child should be subjected to this. It’s a big self esteem destroyer. Thanks for helping us out here in You Tube land. 🎉

[@TM-dh8um]

All of these beliefs are observable in my family of origin. They have been traumatising me with them for 60 years now. I'm still stunned that I am only just now learning about these things.

[@northstar5919]

Shaming kids for something they dont know and didnt teach them.

[@caleuxx9108]

Bible verses... also about parents responsibility toward children...... Process of learning .... mistakes are normal..... If its worth doing, it ok, if you start out doing it badly....

[@jeannesmith3200]

Hmm, sure sounds like our gvmnt...

[@marekm9647]

Dziękujemy.

[@ramushsteinuts9318]

another of your vids from how to be selfish and more true self in the people pleaser syndrome. your nailed like a pro. as 40 I'm not interested in ego anymore. but what's exactly my case. so many years were lost in frustration deception and rumination. thanks my parents

[@VivComments]

Jerry, just so you know, these apply to not only pastors' families but also East Asian immigrant families. I am the product of both, so I got it with both barrels. Thanks for validating that what I went through was in part dysfunctional.

[@deannalopez550]

You are wonderful and so intelligent

[@sassarific]

Thank you for the learn to learn advice

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome!

[@Potent_Copy]

Holy shit thank you for your content. This helps a ton.

[@VeganMandy]

It’s been my experience that those who feel the most entitled and have the least amount of empathy end up having the most kids. Why is that? So they have more lives to harm and ruin?

[@Denise-y2c]

Thankfully my parents only had one child's life to ruin.

[@fairygurl9269]

Respect

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you so much . God bless you❤

[@ease_flow]

Thank u Jerry for ur succint insights on narcissistic parents. You speak with wisdom n humility n from a place of genuine understanding of what narcissism truly is based on your own personal experiences of being involved in unhealthy relationship dynamics earlier in your life. You speak very well by the way .👍👍

[@amberfuchs398]

This was a really good video. Highly relatable. Thank, Jerry!

[@luisapaza317]

I really appreciate this information, even if it isnt directly therapy, it really helped me a lot to figure out some deep things with myself, without magicalizing it or something. This is a sensible touch with reality and responsibility, and im really greatful for this. Thanks again, Jerry Wise! And something that i want to comment is that in my experience, the expectations and the rule to not be imperfect really affected me in thinking, feeling and executing simple tasks or large projects that needed constance I sometimes find myself thinking in the same way that i did when i was a child, with math or related matters, things are working out, and i need more responsibility for myself, but im happy with what i have achieved with some nuanced thinking. I also think that this black or white aproach can stop us from having humbleness for approaching knowledge

[@jerrywise]

Thanks much for watching!

[@juliej1520]

This so resonates with me 👍

[@Veraconah]

Thanks!

[@MindyKemp-h3c]

No self confidence always too afraid to ask directly for fear of failure never try new things it will show what a faylure you are abd everyone will know if you fail at work some nasty person will micromanage you as a punishment

[@Mrcamm4]

Thank you for making these videos!

[@jennylynn82173]

Jerry, Thank you… ❤🙏🏻

[@amarbyrd2520]

That "respect the elders even when they're mistreating and torturing you" messed up double standard oppressive crap nonsense

[@NomkhosivictoriaKhumalo]

This is what we're taught to believe as African children the adults are never wrong it's a common belief system and parents never say sorry to their children.

[@mm-gp9ot]

Thanks for the great content.

[@lespoirestsidoux5825]

J'adore quand vous mettez des sous titrages sous vos vidéos ça m'aide à mieux comprendre car je ne suis pas anglophone 😊

[@erikavaleries]

There is a line in the Bible “parents should not bring their children to anger” after “children should honor their parents”

[@deniseparker1088]

Correct.... parents do not exasperate your children. Ephesians 6:4

[@erikavaleries]

@@deniseparker1088 thank you!!

[@adimeter]

@@deniseparker1088 I guess my dumb assed father never read that. Yeah..still angry at 76 yrs old.

[@deniseparker1088]

@@adimeter he might have read it, but chose to not apply it. 😢

[@adimeter]

@@deniseparker1088 Still a dumb ass. Thanks for replying.

[@moirosalina]

Thank you Jerry! Lovely content as always, especially love the part about boundaries 👌 I have to say I do (also) respect my elders, because I believe everybody should respect everybody. I deserve theirs as much. Respecting does not mean worshipping and/or obeying. To me it has to do with showing basic decency to one another. Just decency. There is in no way an obligation to submit to anyone, admire them or even stay in contact.

[@lukecarey613]

I respect their safety. I don’t respect their choices.

[@kaystephens2672]

Yes. Do they set an example of having a Godly spirit? Or a spirit of selfishness. ?? In comes the scapegoating. I just don't know what "wrong" with that child." Must be a bad seed."No, their parent was a hippocrit. I almost drowned. Many times. But survived.

[@AA-cb7dz]

Connection damage to interdependent networks

[@ladennayoung2939]

AMEN. EXACTLY.

[@GeorgideMarne]

Great content thank you so much, again. ❤❤

[@darinsmith2458]

Good stuff..

[@aartivyas7190]

Truth🎯

[@deannalopez550]

Such nice shirts. Ralph Lauren or Tommy Hilfiger

[@jerrywise]

Paul Fredericks shirts, my favorite. thank you

[@usernane3652]

the commandment means that everybody was expected to take care of their elders so that they would not become a burden for the rest of the community. And the punishment for not complying was death.

[@KittyCuties33]

That's an interesting perspective on the practical implications for the commandment. I agree that we should offer the help we can to those who cannot care for themselves if it is safe to do so, sometimes needing prayerful guidance if there are safety concerns. Spiritually speaking, from what I've been learning, I've come to understand that the best way we can honor our parents is to put God first and follow His plan for our lives, to emulate and grow the good our parents showed and humbly change the wrong. I'm so glad that understanding better God's views has helped lift heavy burdens when humans misinterpret scriptures, even unintentionally. There are probably several facets to each of the commandments and are worth thinking about. Thank you for sharing the practical and cultural side of this one. I agree we need to help each other. :)

[@jenns1649]

Thank you for this video, especially the "freedom to learn" portion. I related alot this video. Thank you for being willing to do the videos and encouraging others to try things even when non perfect 😊

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome! Thank you so much for watching

[@michaelgarrow3239]

You’re not an alcoholic unless you say you’re an alcoholic.👽 The normal definition of an alcoholic is- someone who drinks more than you do…. 🤓

[@daviddurango9562]

Just to help people here... If you ever hear Jehovah come out of the mouth of anyone...RUN!!!

[@Denise-y2c]

Dont tell anyone anything That is true. But sure you can lie through pretending things are great.

[@daviddurango9562]

Honestly.... My life has taught me that the Bible is the most evil and devisive book ever written.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

all resonates especially shaming and emotional enmeshment equals feeling loved. perfect example is my parents watch Bollywood dramas on SKY T.V daily. as they are elderly and I care for them I have to endure them watching this toxic shaming and emotional enmeshment dramas they watch daily. my parents get in to a trance when watching this toxic dramas on T.V that when I'm talking to them it feels like I'm ignored as their not listening to me. yet at the same time I'm shamed and raged at if I make a mistake as a carer. its like they resonate with the crazy male, female power, shaming, dysfunctional, toxic, chaos in Bollywood family systems drama. it fuels them, triggers them and gives them life! 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@marciestoddard730]

wow that does sound incredibly toxic. in your culture are you assumed to be the caretaker, and without choice?

[@Veraconah]

Thanks!

[@ccharles848]

This was very helpful! Thank you!🙏🏽