Narcissistic Parents: What They DIDN'T Teach You About Emotions

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@bethtaylor9773]

My dad used to tell me if I laugh too much, I'll end up crying. Also we weren't allowed to be angry - only the grownups could be angry, and angry they were. No one could be sad.

[@jerrywise]

So sorry you had to go through this. This relates the what I discussed in my last video about toxic parents & confusing messages in childhood kzbin.info/www/bejne/rIKupqGfr5hgncksi=FtiTHasoFgcZsKZz Sending love❤️

[@rosamoreno4794]

Wow, sounds like my childhood. God gives us grace, mercy and strength 🙏🏻

[@bethtaylor9773]

Absolutely!@@rosamoreno4794

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Oh yes, I relate. Or nervous or worried, I was told "you'll be fine" and if I didn't take the worried look off my face, I'd be shouted at or told to go to my room.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Dehumanized, dominated and invalidated by emotionally immature "adults".

[@Denise-y2c]

Only the narcissist parents could express feelings. My feeling were not allowed.

[@malwads1836]

😌It feels so much better when you express your emotions properly with a healthy nontoxic person...It's almost like your ❤️ getting to 💩 instead of having to just "hold it"🤗.

[@Shenanigans_Afoot]

When I was a kid I was emotional (a sissy) and my parents poked at me for not being ‘tough.’ Now, as an adult, the gray rocking I learned to do is horrible and I’m cold. 😂 can’t win.

[@monicaperez2843]

My therapist said my family suffered from "frozen feelings."

[@cc1k435]

Having emotions has had me labeled as "difficult" my whole life. I moved away for over a decade, and coming back has me appreciating the work I've done on my own mind all the more. ❤

[@nancybartley4610]

My family didn't communicate. No discussion about feelings. Just one little example: my father was very ill from when I was 8 to 16 when he died. No talk about it ever. Lots of other issues that happened and were just ignored. Never asked how I felt about anything.

[@tommiller3017]

My mother always explained to me what my feelings were. I spent most of my life trying to have the Right Feelings.When I came out to my parents, she tried to conclude it with, "You're not gay. You're just confused." After a year of being out before this, i couldn't put the toothpaste back into the tube. I started yelling to her, "I'm gay! Do you want me to get a plane and write in the sky for you?" She was very indignant and spent the rest of her life, waiting for me to marry a woman. She would shut down every time i would take about ANY friends that were...you know.

[@junopierre2988]

Omg love my heart breaks for you. Narcissistic parents deny everyhting!! I told my mom I was spiritual and practiced magick and she said no you don’t! I’d say I had a new interest and she’d say no you don’t!! I’m not surprised she shamed you because anything outside of them just doesn’t exist and deny it. I’m glad you know yourself because there’s strength in that. It can mess with your identity and have you question if what you’re feeling is what you’re feeling

[@Vercanya]

I've noticed that the emotion regulation is easier now that I'm No Contact from my family. Of course I still revert back to my old habits now and then, but I'm quicker to get out of them and I'm learning to be kinder to myself (I was the lost child & scapegoat).

[@malwads1836]

Oh I'm sure it certainly is much better.... You're no longer dealing with any toxic screwballs going out of their way to try to trigger you😄👍.

[@sugarpuff2978]

My Dad used to say "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry for" meaning his slipper. I was scared into holding my emotions in. My Dad operated on rage.

[@gojiberry7201]

We never talked about feelings. There was a lot of "behavior" talk -- like, "You're doing this wrong, you need to do better, what are you doing," etc, but we never talked about how we felt. If my mother felt emotional, she left the room (except rage, which she would unleash upon us). My brother and I were very sensitive and grew up with terrible mental health problems.

[@nancybartley4610]

Can relate to the not talking but did get a lot of instruction on what was wrong with me. Sorry you suffered and are still suffering.

[@gillianford9208]

My father could flip to extreme rage at the flick of a switch. He was the only one allowed to do this and he was always big on being free to express himself and assumes everyone agrees with him! Disagreeing was and still is a terrifying prospect. My mother never showed any emotion and the odd times she did the tears silently seeped out of her eyes and denied. I learned to be on hyperalert so as to never trigger him which was almost impossible. To this day i'm still terrified of my father and he's 95! It's only recently that I've recognised having any feelings at all. When you're on hyperalert you haven't the luxury of wondering how you feel as you're too busy gaging how to survive in such a volatile atmosphere. I thought this was normal for years as my brothers are the same but it's thanks to people like you Jerry to point out that it's anything but!

[@tonyaalbarado8652]

I want to thank you for what you’re doing. My mother was a true blue narcissist and at the age of 53 I have finally been able to stop repeating the process after very painful years and a lot of hard work. You’ve made a difference and I appreciate you.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome 🙂

[@sarahbreisch4750]

My evidence that my husband's family did not allow and process feeling in a healthy way: HIs grandfather died in 2008. There was no funeral, other than a private Mason ceremony the family didn't attend. No ceremony whatsoever for my husband to be able to process his grief. It was like "welp, that happened. let's move on." His parents moved from PA to WY in his senior year of college. They were just like, "welp, done being parent. come move to WY if you want, or whatever." He felt totally abandoned and directionless. Then, his grandma, the only person who he talked about being close to, died in 2017. Again, no funeral, no ceremony, no one reached out to see how he was doing. He held it all in. I try to have compassion for him because I see these things in his adult life, I can only imagine how sterile and lifeless his childhood was. He is a VERY emotional person, and has been an alcoholic for many ears. It's so sad.

[@junopierre2988]

I remember anytime I was upset I was ignored or told to get over it. But when others were upset with me they’d take their side and defend them.

[@maryanncynthia1949]

My parents were entitled to emotions and kids have to feel what they feel

[@Rosethatwantstomove]

My adopted mom told me " That NO ONE cares about how I'm feeling " . That I should remain silent when asked. In my 20s some people would ask & I couldn't say a word & that's after mom died. But if someone asked " how was your day?" I could answer. 1 person in particular couldn't get me to say anything for years. Couple years ago I finally figured out the reason & it was my adopted mom's mental abuse. Adopted dad was a physical ( beating ) & mental abuse. I'm slowly coming to terms with it & finally talking. I was always crying except at school or when people were around. Will I completely heal? I don't know. Just finding out why I didn't talk was a BIG blessing. I'm inching struggling grasping for the knowledge

[@nicole8511]

I am cheering for you Rose. Sending best wishes on your healing journey 🦢

[@macoeur1122]

Regarding what you say here about reactivity not being the "real us"... and how we need to "come back to ourselves"..... This reminds me of a friend who puts it like this: "They got my goat....but I slowed down...took a deep breath...and saw my goat trotting on back to me" 🤣 Love it!

[@pattyrooney1323]

I grew up in a family like that. I'm 71yrs old+ they have not changed. Thank you, Jerry for explaining this.

[@inchristalone25]

My family didn't do emotions well so I overdid it with my kids. I became the armchair therapist instead of their Mom. Unfortunately that didn't help. Now we practice calm instead of reacting to every emotion as if it's super important. Sometimes a child just needs to learn to calm themselves.

[@margaretchaney5627]

I think about the cultural aspect of expressing emotions. In my German heritage, expressing feelings were implied weakness of character. I'm my spouses family their was a military & law enforcement frame of reference. So this journey into knowing myself & responding instead of reacting is a good positive adventure.

[@chris-vo1nh]

My dad said we don't do feeling or happy , but he did critical and negative extremely well

[@karenmorelli258]

We weren't allowed to speak, cry or make noise. We were abused physically, emotionally & verbally. So I never talked & I was retained in kindergarten & struggled throughout my childhood until 50 yrs old when I cut off total contact. I'm 65 now.

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

the female parent used to hate to see me happy or smiling..... she would say that those who laugh so much are crazy and would make fun at my smile (throughout my younger years many people have commented i have a very nice smile , probably why she didnt like it), she would be delighted when i was angry or sad and you could see her face of dupping delight.

[@rebeccaglaze3707]

At 67 I feel blessed that I nothing like this growing up. Thank you for sharing this. I’m realizing some friends don’t even know about this.

[@hannerstavik7777]

Also growing up without being shown empathy - i didn’t learn love, how that feels. I did tremendous harn to my daughter not having empathy with myself. This guilt, this pain, this sorrow, nobody talks about it. Being a ACN and not knowing anything, bringing on the lack of love, because I could not better. to live with that pain and sorrow

[@ketherwhale6126]

13:17 Feel the feelings, then “ voice the feelings “ use your descriptive words and acknowledge it. So important. Then feel them. Then, also learn who the real you underneath all this is. Become who you “ weren’t allowed” to BE.

[@miriamadahan1730]

I'm glad that you don't use the expression "negative feelings." I agree - feelings exist to provide information and help us make decisions. They are not negative - just messengers. Miriam, Jerusalem therapist

[@ritah2802]

When i tried to express my feelings, my mum always said: "it will pass" - my traduction: "please stop talking"

[@lisasantucci8220]

Thank You! I WAS NEVER Allowed to Have or Express Feelings, Ideas, Emotions or Thoughts. Either yelled at, Told to be quiet, you just want attention, mocked, or Ignored. They haven't changed their ways. No I don't expect Lucy to actually let Charlie Brown Kick the football...But I do hope, I know That it isn't a real reality and I realize that it never will be.

[@adrianadelassereed]

😊😊😊😊😊Great information about feelings and their function.

[@margaretchaney5627]

Normal natural - yes - my Dad stepped up & tried talking to me when I was a teenager about feelings which had been shut down all my life by mother. It was a loving attempt but I couldn't identify my feelings by then. Great video especially to understand the value & use of feelings. Help us to evaluate our life. Not running the train. Feelings stay in the passenger seat. Learn the language of feelings, to know their true selves. Beautiful.

[@etaokha4164]

My ex lacks empathy and he cant show emotions because he was told from young its seen as something weak. Having sex with him was like I was having sex with a stone . He never moaned or showed that he was enjoying sex he was like a hard rock so stiff and when he discarded me , I noticed that I had not a single feeling for him , I didn't miss him or cry or wanted him but I tried searching my brain for even something small about him but there was nothing. My brain was blanc. It's like he never existed and that was how I knew He was a narcissist. Everything was fake and was a game

[@GraceKelly-ni5jp]

Rage, shame, fear sadness and lots of anger almost forgot shame

[@ladennayoung2939]

I think with my mother and her sisters, they tend to overly respond to their feelings now due to abuse they endured when they were children. They were not allowed to have a voice whatsoever. They got punished when their parents caught the abuser in the act of abusing them and just more than likely felt unloved, misunderstood, and forgotten about all together. Not to mention different things they probably encountered outside of the home. And they were NEVER allowed or taught how to address their emotions. They were taught that their emotions weren't real or valid. Now, they will make assumptions about everything someone says during a conversation and attack the person verbally. They tend to act as though they are always the victim no matter what and that nothing is ever their fault. They are two-faced and talk about one another behind the other person's back as well as argue, fuss, and fight almost every chance they get. They are VERY toxic, draining, and dysfunctional and refuse to get to the core of the issue. They refuse to give all that over to God. I'm convinced they were brainwashed not to say anything about what took place in their home. That it prohibits them from barely talking about it or acknowledging that is the reason why they have so many different issues. You really can't converse with them or be around them on that level. Because it will cause you to be so drained, lose your peace, joy, and even sanity if you are not careful.

[@TQV_4013]

My dad's response to feelings was yelling and telling us not to express our feelings. 😢

[@drvpscott]

When we don't feel safe, are chronically vigilant or hyper-vigilant and waiting for the other shoe to drop, we are in a defensive mode which is inherently reactive. The sense is we MUST be ready to make assessments and decisions as quickly as possible to stay out of danger. The sense is there isn't or may not be time to apply logic and think things through. Isn't that what feelings are for? Are feelings and instincts the same thing or is it a case of: all instincts are feelings but not all feelings are instincts? Growing up in an unsafe family I gained a lot of experience making snap decisions based upon instinct, became familiar and perhaps reliant upon this mode of emotional thinking. When things didn't turn out as horribly as I feared I became confident in my ability to make good instinctive choices. I definitely feel I have honed my instincts and they really seem to serve me very well, but the choices I make tend to be safe choices. They are heavily influenced by uncertainty, pessimism and/or fear so I hedge my bets, so to speak. I think I tend to choose safety over happiness. Why do I think that? It is because I am acting out of scarcity. I guess when you hedge your bets out of scarcity, you increase the odds or perhaps even ensure a result that is lacking and the associated feelings of fear etc. are perpetuated. The result is a feeling of despair that I experience as depression. So I think I am making appropriate and effective use of my instincts but I am certainly overly reliant upon them. Even when I apply logic, I tend to give instinct more weight when making decisions. In so doing I may be limiting abundance in my life, or at least the perception of abundance. It becomes a problem when I can't separate my own feelings from my critic, my own voice from the belittling voices of others that I have internalized. Is getting more comfortable with risk, uncertainty, hurt and failure the way out, toward confidence and ultimately happiness? Wisdom says we will sometimes hurt, sometimes fail. In that way it is assured, at least sometimes. What are some ways to contend with this? Is radical acceptance part of it? Do any of you identify with these perceptions or conclusions?

[@floatingmoon5778]

Yes! I really appreciated your comments here. I had a conversation last night about the hyper vigilance and “survivor skills” that seem to take precedence over anything else. We are living, but there is no joy; it’s all about surviving for another day.

[@drvpscott]

@@floatingmoon5778 Right. No joy. I think Pete Walker has warned in From Surviving To Thriving that to deny pain is to lose joy. It has a ring of Taoist philosophy and truth to me. I have also read that practicing gratitude can help. Practice is a good way to describe it I think, because It can be so difficult. How do you get to gratitude when you feel your most basic need for safety isn’t being met? We definitely need to tend to that before other work can begin in earnest. Does your experience reflect this? The tougher question is, are you safe?

[@floatingmoon5778]

@@drvpscott Pete Walker’s writing and insights are amazing, aren’t they? The safety issue is always present, but many aren’t aware. After the awareness, even after safety is achieved, the mind and body still need to be reprogrammed. As Jerry points out, there are systems feelings that keep that hyper vigilance going. How are you silencing the inner critic? I find physical movement helpful, and what I call “sound therapy”, music that I find positive and uplifting. I have wondered how many of us would categorize ourselves as HSP? Are you familiar with Elaine Aron’s work?

[@drvpscott]

@@floatingmoon5778 Yes, I read The Undervalued Self and one of her others quite a while ago. I remember being fairly ambivalent about her HSP concept, personally I mean. I should revisit it. I don't think I understood it any better than I do family systems. So do you find things like music to be helpful in reprogramming the critic, or is it merely a salve, or a distraction? Actively calling it out and countering can be helpful i think. Consistency is important with that. Recognizing just how frequently it happens can in itself be an eye opener.

[@MACorrupt]

Thank you Jerry. I talked to parent after parent who have been abused by the Family Court in Massachusetts whose children have been taken from them. I’m one of them. My children are stuck now in a horrific, narcissistic abusive family dynamic. Haven’t seen or talked to them in two years. Many of us do have CPTSD and are dealing with it the best way we can I will share your information. I wonder if you mind if I share a video of yours here and there on my channel? I pray someday my children can find healing in a program like yours that might help them. They will need it.💔

[@dove.9833]

I was never allowed to cry about anything if I did my mom would get right up in my face and rage at me

[@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry]

My mother told me, a twelve year old boy, that I was, "so emotional, you're worse than any girl." She also loved to tell embarassing stories about me to anyone who would listen, which as an adult made things like weddings really fun to go to. That's why she wasn't invited to mine.

[@michelecooke3594]

When my father passed away I crying was forbidden

[@hannerstavik7777]

You mention 6 types of guilt.please please please make a video on this. Quilt has almost been killing me. Or I wanted to kill myself inside it

[@jerrywise]

I recently published a video on the types of guilt. You can watch it here kzbin.info/www/bejne/rKmtoH1ppNusnNUsi=dlzAueUlfrc5esdj

[@marinvidovic763]

Very useful VIDEO ! And... how authentic my feelings ...ARE ? We are exposed to huge external influences from powerful "creators"-" inducers" of feelings ! Worth chaking WHO Programed us to FEEL A particular feeling ... in the first place. Wikipedia says: "* PROPAGANDA plays on human *emotions- fear, hope, anger, frustration, sympathy- to direct audiences toward the desired *goal. In the deepest sense, propaganda is a mind game- the skillful propagandist exploits people's fears and prejudices." To some extent every THERAPY may be used as Propaganda.... in hands of activists therapists.

[@kdjourney51]

The feeling of being deprived subconsciously and it’s opposite, having the agency to reach for satiation- satiation…. And the Grace. Is something I’ve learned this year, at 48. Great vid.

[@OnlyOneName]

Very informative video. Thank you!

[@Travelerofthesouth]

We weren't allowed to have emotions either.

[@j_mae999]

My covert alcoholic father told me he has no time for feelings.

[@monaetheloner3521]

You are so appreciated for sharing your knowledge.

[@pattyumoh4806]

You know Jerry, a lot of people like me could use ur help but have no $$. Sadly one of my narcissists permanently disabled me so I'm poor forever, living in public housing. My life is a living nightmare. I've tried everything I could think of to get better. I still attract bad people. I feel my only choice is to isolate myself from the world. Wish I afford the help

[@monaj33]

Emotions were not allowed

[@Spiderveins59]

I loved this video.❤

[@Mrcamm4]

You are doing this as a favor to you! Yes! Thank you!

[@kellymaloney4732]

Thankyou for generously sharing your knowledge much appreciated cheers Jerry 😊

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome

[@ladennayoung2939]

RIGHT. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT NUMBER 11. WOW. THAT IS A REALLY GOOD OBSERVATION. YOU ARE A GREAT TEACHER. AGAIN, PLEASE CHOOSE TO KEEP BEING WHO YOU ARE AND SHARING THIS VERY MUCH NEEDED AND ON TIME INFORMATION THAT WE ALL NEED AND CAN BENEFIT FROM.

[@marekm9647]

Thank you. Even listening to your lectures seems therapeutic.

[@jerrywise]

Glad to hear that!

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Spot on ..grateful for this Jerry ❤

[@kareemmohammed5270]

painful, resonated, epic! much appreciated Jerry for your deep insights.

[@Mrcamm4]

Are you planning on having another low or no contact work shop? Thank you for all that you do!

[@jerrywise]

This workshop will be available on my website to join soon. It has been recorded and now will be offered for those who missed it. Thanks for watching.

[@EvaEva-lf3ww]

Thank you so much. It is precious

[@jerrywise]

You're welcome 😊

[@joshua255860]

Outstanding, Jerry. Thank you.❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@whowearereally6494]

*****absolutely*****

[@BoostedPastime]

Thank you!

[@ladennayoung2939]

EXACTLY.

[@WienWag]

Very helpful, thank you!

[@rabinraj15]

Daulat Tuanku 🙏🏽

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Thank you! One of your best

[@cnoor30]

So helpful

[@ketherwhale6126]

This was great!😅

[@AA-cb7dz]

You are forced to recognize them with your brain as they have no emotions.

[@websurfer5772]

Jerry, is reactivity not really who we are because it's us reacting to others? Also, does anybody get doing emotional feeling right? Or is everyone either overly emotional or too shut down?

[@jerrywise]

Reactivity is not who we really are, however it is important to respect our reactivity and take responsibility over it because it is ours. Having reactivity is part of our limitations and it's our job to take ownership over our limitations. When we are ready we can let go of it. I'm not sure I understood the second question

[@websurfer5772]

@@jerrywise Thank you for answering my first question. I like your advice. Trying to sort all this out isn't easy. In my 2nd question I was wondering if it seems like everybody is emotionally dysfunctional, either too emotional, or too shut down. I know that I shut down early on in life, like as a baby, because my mother and siblings were overly emotional and now that they're out of my life, I'm the one who's overly angry and anxious all the time.

[@jerrywise]

@@websurfer5772 everyone has their own struggles and that is normal, we are human. Noticing your own reactive patterns is important, many of those are the emotional inheritance of our family. Differentiating from them is possible, if you need help with this it might be helpful to explore joining my workshop programs on my website, often awareness is not enough to heal. But healing and reducing the harmful impact is possible ❤️

[@websurfer5772]

@@jerrywise Thank you. I'll keep your program in mind. I really appreciate your helpful feedback and videos.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

​@@jerrywise🎉

[@daviddurango9562]

Honestly, I think the U.S. and the society it promotes, is narcissistic. I left and moved to Ecuador. I love the down to earth life here where pets are allowed everywhere and everyone greets you. The U.S. actually SUCKS when you know how life is in other countries.

[@tanyakashyap6944]

🌻🦋🦋🌻

[@yolandagrabowski6043]

My neighbors punish like a child when I show my emotions. So I cry when I pee publicly in the center of intersections in my town.

[@tanyakashyap6944]

🌻🦋🦋🌻