What It's Like to Have QUIET BPD

In this video I'll be talking about what it's like to live with Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 Intro
1:13 Loneliness
3:05 Repressing Emotions
5:35 People Pleasing
7:27 Fear of Abandonment
8:11 Self-blame
14:06 Outro
Have you seen my previous video? Check it out » • Autism Spectrum Disord...
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Disclaimer: This channel is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute a replacement for the practice of psychotherapy or other professional health care services. The use of information on this channel is at the user’s own risk. The content of this channel is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining professional advice for any conditions they may have and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such conditions.

[@eminemstrash2021]

As a guy that had a girl with quiet bpd pursue me i want those of you with bpd to know that you are valuable and i understand how incredibly difficult and painful it is to overcome traumatic childhood cycles. Although she did eventually split on me I understood what she was going through and will always love her for her empathy, intuition, insight, and innocent love in that part of her that was betrayed and dishonered by her original abusers. In another life she wouldve been my best friend, and even now i think well of her.

[@Alaania]

thank you for seeing us

[@MikeJackson690]

Your experience sounds similar to mine (minus the empathy!), it was a rapid 7-month relationship with so many ups and downs. Like you, I saw a great person in my ex-GF too, alas, that side of her wasn't always there and her BPD now robs her of a good, stable life. It's saddening and I wish her well from afar.

[@1968leg]

I find the worst thing about quiet BPD is that you're constantly paranoid about a crack appearing and the floodgates of hidden emotions will crash open like a dam and you will never recover. How long can we keep up this facade we've created?

[@onthelinecommunity]

I agree!

[@rmorph33]

beautifully said

[@visionvixxen]

Try aDD, Bipolar and high functioning autism and probably BPD and/ CPTSD. I guess I would be the quiet one

[@acatnamedjimmy8060]

You just named a feeling that I didn’t realize anyone else experienced. I feel weirdly relieved in way for some reason.

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@hhhoneycomb]

I think I’m learning that it’s better to just isolate yourself and be alone because I REFUSE to HURT anyone anymore the shame and guilt is beyond horrendous. It’s like the thought process of having quiet bpd and splitting it’s so exhausting. I’m praying and have hope for my recovery.

[@onthelinecommunity]

We’re here for you ❤️

[@isisthompson2638]

I have not been diagnosed but I think it’s likely I have it. I isolated myself after hurting someone in my family and it’s honestly been great. Isolation is key.

[@theonlydjtopcat]

I will pray for you to be set free @honeycombhoney

[@liamwash6012]

I used to be super expressive with my emotions when I was in high school. I made extremely close and meaningful connections with a couple people, but when I got into a relationship I pretty much left them all to wither. Fast forward a year, I was just getting out of that relationship, which was pretty toxic, and just starting college. I felt like I didn’t fit in with anyone else, and it was extremely hard to adapt with such a terrible fear of being judged and trying to keep the perfect appearance up. Eventually, I dropped out and started isolating myself because of how ashamed I felt. It’s been 2 years now without making a new friend, and the only thing I’ve learned is that isolation will destroy you. Since I’ve isolated myself and stopped letting people in, I’ve been hospitalized twice and attempted 4 times. I’ve lost my sanity and any sense of self love I used to have. I start to shake uncontrollably when someone sees an emotion that I don’t choose to show. I barely have a relationship with my parents and family, no friends, and I even struggle to be close with frickin cat. Please learn from me and don’t isolate yourself. You can’t learn from a mistake you haven’t made. Sacrificing yourself isn’t the answer.❤️

[@ootenba5910]

@@liamwash6012 I have CPTSD & this!!! You cant heal alone, coregulation (with safe people) is a huge part of healing 💛 We are humans and hard wired for connection.

[@leahhanderson3737]

A simplified version of something that helped me in relationships was to try and accept that the worst I could imagine might happen and that if it did remind myself that I had been through hard things before and that I would be ok.

[@tomsellout9576]

I’ve also learned to always hope for the good but expect and prepare for the worst. It’s helped me quite I few times. I’ve adopted “badluck” as part of who I am.

[@unworthyOfLove]

It's crazy cuz I would think that way it still didn't make it easier for me for some reason and everything's just went bad

[@dianayeung9590]

That last line of "I don't need to win the Nobel prize to be loved and for the people in my life to not leave me" really hit home. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@black4pienus]

I have quiet BPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder and symptoms of ADHD. The combination of quiet BPD and AvPD makes me a pro in keeping things to myself. And yes, love is difficult. I've hadn't had a relationship in 15 years. I keep men at a distance emotionally. Every time I do fall in love, it often comes with depression and anger. And then I chase them away with my own insecurities.

[@lilyjane1011]

😔

[@dintelignt]

I feel that to my core

[@daveblack2602]

Why not get treatment and work on your problems?

[@black4pienus]

@@daveblack2602 I've done a lot of different types of therapy already.

[@user-bz9se3dv3r]

Why do they Run and Do a stranger and give the Scum they find while often Drunk and Self Trash by Getting Sexually Degraded with Part Intention to Punish The Person at Home who Wants nothing More than Provide His Special Girl with All she should experience in Life …Yeah…Maybe True Love…I am after 18 Years realizing that she has no real capacity to Experience and Give Love…I have to accept that it may be even God Himself may have Difficulty getting through to these People who have Often Had their Innocence Stolen in many horrendous manners as a very young person…I will always pray for her Complete Restoration and Salvation…Bless Her Lord …She is really not to Blame…

[@tetrahexaeder6312]

And I can totally relate to the point of 'always chasing'. Do you feel like a bottomless barrell too? Positive things go in it and praise fills it up for a short time, but you're feeling empty again the next day? You described that feeling so perfectly. I thought I was alone with this. Thank you very much Kayla! This is very validating. Sorry for the long text. Sometimes things just bubble out of me.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Yes I do feel that way, that’s a great way to describe it!! Thanks for sharing ☺️

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@vanessab2726]

@@gracemawulikatakiti2300 Amen❤ God bless you for this life changing encouragement! Jesus is Lord! Call upon His name today and He will change your life forever!!!

[@tomsellout9576]

The emptiness is one of the harder things for me to deal with. It’s what’s causing me to stumble on this video now. Does it feel physically painful to anyone else? I get uncomfortable and want to throw up it’s so bad.

[@Littletim69]

Thank you so much I disntknow how to explain it but you just did and I appreciate it❤

[@briannadeg]

All of my closest friends decided to abandon me when I spoke up about my suicidal thoughts. That was a really shocking and traumatic experience to get betrayed like that. I also have quiet BPD and I used every inch of my body to never show my symptoms until I got desperate and wanted to end my life. Other people have accused me of being manipulative when all I’m asking for is help and someone to talk to. But my “friends” all treated me like my life didn’t matter.

[@onthelinecommunity]

I’m sorry you went through something so difficult

[@Noubei]

Well they suck. It's easy to love someone who is ok but being a real friend is loving someone even when that person is not ok or isn't usefull to you. THEY SUCK

[@exoticwitch5553]

Same with me that's why I stopped making friends

[@Bekind16]

Sorry about that I feel the same

[@ImLehwz]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing well now

[@enough1494]

I am 65, so blessed to have found your video. All new to me, imagine that founding out who I am in my 60’s

[@onthelinecommunity]

I’m so glad this could be of use to you! ☺️

[@nana8135]

❤

[@kuroyamaevisekai]

When you said "I don't need to win a noble prize to be loved and people to not leave me" it hit me quite personally because I literally thought (and still think honestly) that I had to do this big world-changing thing so that my existence would mean something, so that I wouldn't feel like all of my life, all the breaths I took, all the relationship I made, everything I learnt, all the money that was spent on me, etc wouldn't be just a waste, that people would actually like me for something forever too maybe. Idk if that's also something that's like a sign of quiet bpd or just me never feeling good enough for this world or myself, only feeling at ease when someone (possibly a romanfic partned) seems me good enough for them but yeah I've been looking more into to see if that's what I have or not because I have a huge fear of abandoment and feel like people will always leave me in the end no matter what, no matter how hard I try, they'll find better and replace me and I show a few of the other symptoms too but I don't really know about the impulsiveness part

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who loves you more than anybody and wants your heart. He so amazing and His name is Jesus. He Showed his immense love towards by dying for your sins but He still alive to give you abundant life forever because He is God.All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@kuroyamaevisekai]

LMAO Nice try I'm the atheist child of a muslim family

[@onthelinecommunity]

Yes I think that can be a part of having quiet BPD. There’s a tendency to be perfectionist and to overachieve as a means to get attention/love from others.

[@kuroyamaevisekai]

@@onthelinecommunity Yeah, I'm not quite sure yet but that might have been why I always dreamed of that why i had to be the best at things i can do because I'm not very good at other things anyway so I have to be perfect at this for people to see anything in me at all.

[@thetrueblossom]

You know one thing I realized I have this fear but let me tell you the fear gets exponentially smaller with self love. Even if they do walk away, you’re never truly alone. Even if they do leave, let them! There’s ALWAYS going to be more opportunities in life. I don’t know how old you are but there’s so much more to this life… so much more you’re meant to do, see and believe. You gotta start believing in yourself. You always have yourself, you have to start looking at yourself as a safe space. Guess what? No one can replace the uniqueness that YOU ARE. NO ONE. not ever. And if anyone ever makes you feel otherwise they’re not good for you and you should leave them!

[@naomireider2799]

Having a BPD swing and crying and was looking up videos from other people to feel less alone and I found this - thank you for helping me ❤

[@onthelinecommunity]

I’m so happy to hear ☺️

[@ivyturtle]

Same -- thank you both ❤️

[@momof2plusotaku657]

That was me last night. Still heartbroken and mourning the loss of my connection with my favorite person. They were my x a teen but we kept contact as I off and on came and went with splitting letting myself get too attached and stepping back because we can’t be together and can’t see each other. I don’t think he’s coming back this time and it’s been months, but it’s so hard to let go of my connection to him and thinking about him. He’s been my favorite person for 17? Years wow … yeah. I miss him 🥺

[@intergalacticpeachpatrol]

this has unlocked a level of self-love and understanding that i have needed my whole life. hearing you talk about my internal workings without me having to laboriously explain it to you first is so validating and healing. it's like someone finally understands the things i'm tripping over and the reasons why i'm always one slight inconvenience away from a breakdown. my psychiatrist has noted that BPD could be part of the diagnosis we're looking at, but it's never been the primary thing being explored with me in therapy. everyone's so focused on the other stuff. this is really what i need help with. beyond grateful for this video. thank you so much.

[@claudiamyers396]

I’m not sure if I have quite BPD because I’ve never been diagnosed but every single thing you said is exactly how I live my day to day. It’s hard to talk about it with my friends because they don’t see this side of me and are so quick to say “you don’t have it” but watching all these videos on it makes me feel so much less alone and the first time I ever watched on I felt so relieved and also thought, “so normal people don’t feel this way?” It’s very eye opening but it’s so hard to get diagnosed because it’s truly only seen in my core relationships..

[@AlphaGamerfly]

if it makes you feel any better, I’m going through the exact same thing you’re experiencing, i haven’t been diagnosed but every time I watch these videos a part of me feels relief and self understanding. Makes me feel like there’s hope and I’m not alone in these draining emotional thought processes that affect my life day to day and that if I’m aware enough and understand these thoughts and why they occur I can eventually break free :)

[@unworthyOfLove]

I took a while for me to actually even find someone willing to help. One of the worst things. was 1 psychiatrist had told me that I am too smart for them to even bother and that I should know better. That was my third one. It took five different professionals to the point where they said I needed a whole care team. I've never even heard of such things but I guess that's something. Can't afford a whole entire care team 😅 hopefully you find someone who can actually help you or at least try to

[@brownbeauty4923]

i agree but at the same time these are all of the for sure things, that im dead set on knowing about my self , but whats left after that. what am i outside of this ? are all of my jokes not me ?...but the disorder , i feel good knowing that all of these things are for a reason, because my main interests are finding things i relate to and identify with , and im not crazy. but . is there room for an actual person outside of this . what will getting help magically uncover that i couldnt recognize the pattern of and showcase before? (please disregard typos, think typing)

[@mariaagosti-pm7tk]

You can have borderline symptoms and not qualify for a full borderline disorder.

[@CheeserMeo]

me too. the few times i ever did opened up to my trusted friends about it they rejected me with clear alienation and disgust in their eyes. i was never perceived nor perceived myself as "normal"

[@projman2155]

I dated someone with BPD and when I figured it out, her intense anger, emotions and shaming all came out. The rejection sensitivity was so obvious or the inability to handle negative emotions. Appreciate your honesty. Kudos on your journey to personal growth.

[@MichiganFan70]

I tried to deal with it for 2.5 years. The anger, the emotions, the fear of abandonment, the drinking to cope, the inability to leave the house because outside was scary to her...I could not take it and left. I will miss her kids and just feel sorry for her.

[@nateo200]

@@MichiganFan70 Her kids?! Not yours?! Oof well you dodged a bullet for sure.

[@VMM34]

I was denied a BPD diagnosis because I failed on one question, "Do you indulge in reckless spending on yourself." I said no, but I do spend recklessly on other people. They said I didn't have BPD due to that one failed question. I said why would I spend money on myself if I don't believe I exist in any meaningful way?? They didn't listen so now I have no diagnosis. I have just recklessly spent on a rough sleeper. Tent, sleeping bag, tarps, £160 on clothes, £150 on train ticket for him to get home, £45 for food for him. Altogether it cost over £400 as I was giving him food and money before I went on the spending spree. I don't have that kind of money to spend, I now have to cut back drastically to cover my bills. I'm sick and tired of mental health services in the UK they just won't listen

[@jenninstitches]

As a psychologist I saw once said "I've rarely had someone come in who says to me 'I believe I have ______ for x, y and z reasons based off of (insert gobs of research and well reasoned self analysis). Can we do the testing?" be wrong. CLAIM IT. If it can help you live a better life than do. I cannot get access either and I am unwilling to let the system continue to screw me over. I'll do it myself the best I am able with resources online and books. Not perfect, but better than nothing. I hope you can find what might work to help you help build a better you in leu of the system doing it's damned job.

[@jessietipton6718]

This is what I do. I spend recklessly on others. If I had all the money I’ve spent on partners, friends, and honestly just sad people like myself back, I could probably put a down payment on a house. The most sad part is that not a single one of those relationships were sustainable and I understand my role in those relationship outcomes. I eventually hit a breaking point when my (transactional) contributions became expected and I couldn’t deliver. I set myself up for failure by creating a dynamic that was not healthy for myself and I really hurt myself. Simultaneously, noone else was really helped much, either. The monetary or material gifts were just bandaids that didn’t help anyone heal. I was a hard worker, yet I could barely take care of myself because I would give even new friends (acquaintances) things that were important to me if they showed the smallest bit of interest signifying that they had a need that the item might meet.

[@samvakarian]

​@@jessietipton6718 holy shit same. I don't think I've ever talked to another person who was the same 😭

[@jessietipton6718]

@@samvakarian So good to know I’m not alone ❤️

[@twerkingherkin]

​@@jessietipton6718 you just described me. I hate it. I realize after the fact that I shouldn't have done it again but by then it's already too late.

[@BrownGeorge-pw2xo]

I was actually diagnosed with BPD 8 years ago. Also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my mom recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 4 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.

[@DominikPavel-fk2wb]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@DonnHowes]

YES very sure of Dr.benshrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@PriscillaLogan-by9ll]

How do I reach out to him? Is he on insta

[@SusanaGomez-mp8sk]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@LuisaSweden-rf3ke]

Does he ship? Can he deliver to me here in Luxembourg 🇱🇺

[@theorangeislands5731]

i genuinley think having quiet bpd is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. Its unfair, because the circumstances that led to it make you feel broken forever, and no matter what you are unlovable. All this while you destroy yourself from the inside out and no one can know

[@mhill88ify]

If you push people away, because you don't feel good enough, you end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy... you made yourself out to be "not good enough". It's tragic really.

[@GrubKiller436]

Whoever created human beings is sadistic.

[@simritjitkaur3322]

My friends finally left when life forced me to unmask, part of me was glad but it broke me cause the prophecy was fulfilled

[@MikeJackson690]

Exactly what my ex did. I feel sorry for her.

[@valeriemfrancisco]

So glad I found this video. Tearing up right now at how much this resonates with me, especially with the perfectionism and the constant chasing… I first started to have rage in my teens, but now in my 30s my rage has gotten worse (due to betrayal and feeling misunderstood over the years). I knew something was wrong with me and thought it was just anxiety or depression I was experiencing. I never thought I would have BPD since I could never relate to the stories online of public angry outbursts. But Quiet BPD makes so much more sense. Like you, I’m high functioning and have always done my BEST in school and work. And my rage only shows up with my husband and occasionally my parents. I had one minor angry reaction towards my best friend, and she seemed alarmed even though I wasn’t yelling. But after that, I vowed to never show my rage again since my circle is very small to begin with. But I crave to be seen and truly understood by people, so I end up feeling isolated when I can’t show them my true self. 😔

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you and thanks for sharing!

[@l.salevi]

I resonate so much with you. I am the same way and somehow I've gotten so much better at masking now that I'm approaching 30. I feel incline to visit a professional to see if I have BPD.

[@wl9162]

(Am diagnosed with BPD) I had a fight with my best friend recently too -- 12 years that we've known each other, and this is only the second fight, and it involved no yelling, like the fight you mentioned having with your best friend... but my bff seemed so intensely alarmed as well. I wonder what that is? I'm used to friendships that are so contentious/stormy, it's weird when people can't handle even the slightest bit of anger from another person???

[@mickhargadon6236]

Most of what you say I agree with, it is so difficult to tell others, I believe having Quite BPD is so draining and I struggle every minute of every day, thank you for taking the time to talk about your experience of it.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course! ☺️

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@lauramcclain8651]

Yes …. So exhausted from it

[@Raven_Black_252]

I never thought I repressed my emotions, but ironically I couldn't tell what I was feeling most of the time. It was just numb and when I felt sad, I was actually happy that I could feel sad because it was better than nothing. It is as if I have a black hole in my chest and everything I feel falls into that hole and cannot escape. I grew up with my mom who was abused by my grandma, I was also raised by my grandma when I was a kid because as a single parent my mom had to go to work. I remember when I was around 4-5 I used sit in front of the door and cry and beg my mom not to go, and it was very hard for her as well because she had to. We had problem making ends meet and I never asked her anything, never wanted anything from her even if I needed. This could be a book I wanted to read, a shoe, a jacket etc. Only if she asked me would you like this, I'd say sure and she would buy it. I was 18 when I first wanted something from her, and her eyes were gleaming and she said this is the first time you wanted something and she was very happy to get it for me. I never wanted because I felt like a burden or that I did not deserve somehow. Or I simply thought my need was not immediate and the money we have can be used for more important household needs. She would sometimes cry at home, for financial problems, for being a lonely parent, for my granndma treating her badly. She had anxiety and later developed into panic attacks. Her panic attacks were different from mine though, she would sometimes faint. I was always there when she would have one, and it was hard to watch it because if you know how it is, you know you cannot help someone while they are having a panic attack. You can only be there to hold their hand as they have this explosion, and assure them they are safe. I would cry with her at first, but she would feel extremely guilty of this. She used to say that she is a bad mother for making me cry and having me see her like this. That was not true, but even if I told her she was a good mother, she would blame herself. So I stopped crying whenever she would go through this. I would suppress everything, hold her hand, and be the strong one. She always said sometimes she feels like she is the child and I am the mom. She said she always admired how strong I was. But I wasn't every night, I would wait to hear her snoring and I would then let go and cry into my pillow. She always told me to not bottle it up or it would explode and make you physically sick. That's how she ended up with panic attacks. Unfortunately, I did too. I always suppressed my sadness and tears, for it would make her sad. I allowed myself to cry whenever she wasn't at home and hoped she wouldn't notice my red eyes later. My grandma raised me until I started going to school as my mom worked. My grandma was very controlling and perfectionist. I used to do impressions of characters from tv shows my mom liked to cheer her up at home, she always loved it and said I was very good at acting. Indeed I was, no one noticed my inner storm all these years. My grandma thought me doing impressions was silly and unnecessary, at times she ridiculed me, and I felt bad. I stopped doing impressions. When I was a kid, I used to run in the house and tell my mom about the news on tv and stuff like that, I would also run and jump around my other relatives and my elder aunt and my grandma scolded me for being wild and tomboy. I was a very quiet and well behaved kid most of the time, I just couldn't contain my excitement and happiness around them, around my own people. Yet those two reprimanded me, told me a little lady shouldn't be running around like that, and jumping. I never showed my excitement after that. I lost my ability to show excitement. Even now I can't show it, and people think I'm weird or not happy about things I should be happy and excited about. I am, and I try but it feels like an alien or robot trying to impersonate a human. Being too excited or too sad was not okay for me, so I repressed that. I also always had to be my best self at home around my mom, so that would make her happy. She always told me that I am all she has, and I am her source of strength and happiness, so I had to seem so in order for her to be stable and not blame herself.

[@Raven_Black_252]

I put my mom on a mountain, elevated her above everything to make her happy and feel she deserves love and happiness and everything I could offer, she shouldered her own sadness and the abuse she endured all her life, and I shouldered the mountain of life as a kid and teenager along with her own problems and sadness.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thanks for sharing!

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@MindfullyMindy]

What you said about being a black hole and being happy to feel sadness, that resonates with me. Knowing how I actually feel is so hard. How can we fix this?

[@jtknight4647]

Your story matters and thx for sharing. You did do the right thing for your mom as she was in a harder place than you possibly, and you love her so what else would you do. Now, or still, you can focus that SAME consideration onto yourself, your inner child that never departs. You deserve it and you have earned it and don’t believe anything else.

[@kalbic]

I didn't know I had it until I dated someone with severe BPD. It was then that I started researching it and I realized that I have it. I knew I had something wrong but I never knew what it was until I saw it for myself. Imagine two people with BPD dating each other, both with massive insecurities and fears of abandonment, it is misery.

[@le_th_]

Thank you for taking time to speak from your heart and your own experience to help others. My oldest sister has BPD, and it seems as if she had the "quiet" expression of BPD symptoms when she was a teenager, but then once she left our abusive home she seemed to have what people consider the typical expression of BPD (which our abusive, narcissistic mother would have never tolerated...she would've beaten her senseless before she allowed her to behave in that way). In an effort to better understand what my sister has been going through for decades, I've been studying the Cluster B disorder for the last 9 years, both academically and from a variety of therapeutic sources here on KZbin (mostly theorists, psychiatrists, a couple of YTers who've been clinically diagnosed). However, you are the first person who has popped up in my feed with the quiet expression of BPD. It's quite difficult to find published academic journal articles on quiet BPD and, quite honestly, I find it most informative to hear it straight from the hearts and minds of those who are experiencing the feelings, engaging in the behaviors, etc. It adds a very important human element to understanding, and it's much easier to empathize with a human being than a journal article. Lastly, you mention in this video that this was "a ramble". As I listened to you, I never once heard anything that resembled someone rambling. Instead, I found what you said informative and enlightening, and you expressed yourself cogently, and in a way that was also easy to comprehend. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about your life and your experiences. It must be a very difficult thing to do online, and I really appreciate your courage and the time you've invested in making these videos. I appreciate you, and wish you the best~ Subscribed

[@JDforeveralone]

Hi! Could you pls name a couple of sources you're following. I've come over quite a few of your comments, which I always like. Myself I'm following Dr Fox, Kim Sage and the channel Borderliner Notes. I'd really appreciate if you could give me a few more. I'm on this journey since about two years. Never imagined how much my upbringing influenced me negatively. Trying to make sense and maybe one day getting closure from everything that happened. Have a nice day!

[@hannahward4703]

@leth2753 ketamine has shown success in treated BPD

[@denischarrier918]

I'm 43 years old and I recently discovered I'm BPD quite type after an traumatic experience. It's pretty hard now for me to accept it. I feel pretty depressed, alone and useless... Thx for you're pretty accurate sharing. ❤

[@Maincourse19]

This is 100% me! Thank you! My symptoms are so strong with romantic partners and it is crazy. With friends it is a little there with insecurity and my anxious attachment but with romantic partners it is amplified 1000%. I am going into therapy to work on it and develop better ways of living! Thank you for sharing.

[@lauraadorno4052]

Wow I didn’t ever think anyone would ever be able to understand me..and you just pinpointed everything I go through 😢 it is extremely exhausting. I hope I can get the help I need and talk to my therapist about this.

[@partyof_1]

thank you so much, I cried because I was so relieved to hear that my feelings are real and other people share this experience. The fear of not being believed bc I have a job and can live my life pretty normal outwardly is really painful. Also I have really good communication skills concerning every topic besides my own boundaries and needs and I am super self-aware, so people think I totally have my shit together and would speak up if anything was wrong. That makes it hard to believe my own internal suffering at times.

[@InnasWorld]

I resonate with this so much! Although I do not have a real job anymore... but I am very eloquent and energetic, can be very funny, witty, smart... that must be the high functioning part. I've lost lots of friendships, mostly due to the fact that I never believed we could resolve a conflict (usually after I got hurt by them). So I usually just turned my back on them.

[@flowingwithporsh4769]

I feel like it comes out more with romantic relationships because of the intimate connection with the partner. Most times in a relationship you start to become one and its hard to keep things behind the wall you build with someone who is connecting on that level.

[@c0conuts22]

I think you've described what I've been struggling with my whole life. Thank you for your courage to share your experience here with others!

[@damonhicks969]

I am a disabled veteran and they diagnosed me with PTSD and bipolar disorder but after watching many videos on KZbin I see myself in so many people with adhd or quiet BPD when I ask my doctor at the va they say this is your diagnosis let’s just work on one thing at a time and not stack a bunch of pop psychology on top. But so many things that people say about other disorders resonate with me even back to my childhood. It’s so hard sometimes when you feel you are being treated for an issue you don’t have just because every 2 years or so you get motivated to spring clean for 2-3 days straight and sleep for the next 2 days and they say your manic. So bipolar is your permanent diagnosis.

[@bobbyflay7217]

How about C-Ptsd

[@PCLHH]

That sucks. I am diagnosed with ADHD, and at some point my doctor asked me if I think I might be bipolar too. And now I am realizing I might have quiet BPD combined with ADHD. I made an appointment today to talk to the doctor about it. I am fortunate to have a good doc. I wish you all the best and I hope you find a better doctor. Stay strong, we are "family"

[@GabrielaMFF]

Change Dr. Get a second opinion.

[@tetrahexaeder6312]

I wonder if you could make a video about Social Insecurity in Borderline? Because you described being angry and blameful at yourself and insecure as well. I ask myself if I am the only one having difficulties with social situations. Not in a sense of anxiousness and panic attacks or other somatic symptoms like someone with social anxiety disorder but more like living with this constant feeling of being a 'bad, shameful person' that others will hate, when they get to know them deeply. And that every step or move I make will be judged and hated by others. Sometimes even just me breathing and being alive feels like a serious crime that other people will condemn! It's very burdensome. And at the same time I get very positive feedback from friends, fellow students, family members and my partner for being a very nice, ambitious, warm and intelligent person. It always feels like a lie to me. I always feel the urge to present myself as this perfect, loveable 'everybody's darling girl' because I can't let others see my negative sides, for they might end up abandoning, hating or judging me. (Imposter-syndrome I guess) I heard you say that Quiet BPD sometimes presents itself like Avoidant Personality Disorder and I thought maybe it is this specific point. Because AvPD is more about fearing ridicule or being afraid of embarrassing themselves. I always thought it might be that. But no. It is different, what kind of form this fear of rejection takes. I don't fear ridicule or embarrassment. I rather fear being seen as the horrible person I am deep down and always having to prove that I have a right to be treated as a human being AT ALL. I hope it is understandable how I mean it. Would love to hear other experiences and opinions on this. Thank you! :)

[@onthelinecommunity]

Yes great idea!!

[@rmorph33]

That was so beautifully explained, i experience those same feelings. Thank you

[@DizzyRock09]

I feel the same way. It is a constant struggle . I know logically I shouldn’t feel all the negative emotions I do about myself , but they still show up everyday to fight me . I feel trying to seem like we have it all together on the outside is a control mechanism in order to not feel like a compete mess in this life .

[@tillygrace63]

babe that's autism

[@madlenj.4644]

first i thought i have avoidant PD then i head of Quiet BPD and i thought..wit whats the diffrence?? So the diffrence is scared of showing us APD -> because we get embarassed easily = will others notice whats obvious to us...how "dumb" we are? and QBPD -> because we feel inadaquate or even horrible= will others notice that we have a bad personality? So yours comment is very helpful! Never has anyone else described this diffrence that profound. Thank you! Then i would say, i´m more likely to hav APD. And when i think about you, clearly your not near a bad person. Would a bad person come to the comment section and help others? No! Maybe very early in your life someone made you feel bad and guilt about something which wasn´t even your fault or maybe because your "just" a child and thats why you implöemented this voice as your own /they grow they must be right"...today you know ..no, they´re not right just because their grown, a lot of persons assume somthing faulty. But whats true is, from the bottom of your heart your a god person don´t waste time to prove it to others. Maybe theryphy could change your belives.

[@blanquiat]

Thank you for being so real and open about this subject.

[@purpur7187]

You are a good girl. I want to advise you to accept yourself the way you are, stay yourself, and do as you want, and it is very important to stop being dependent on the opinions of other people.I had something similar to what you described, and I want to tell you everything that you worry about and worry about does not matter, it's just your distorted perception of real

[@aprilcarbonneau5519]

Thank you so much for making this video, I know it couldn't have been easy. I have all of these symptoms, have been diagnosed with BPD, and more been in therapy for nearly 4 years now and have never been able to explain how it feels to have this disorder as well as you just did. I wanted to cry throughout this entire video. Thank you for giving all of us a voice when maybe we have felt like we haven't been heard.

[@uncleNito]

Thanks for being so vulnerable and making this video. I relate with so many things you are mentioning but i have never been diagnosed. On top of this, it feels like i always end up losing the people i so want to have in my life and love me. It's a lot.

[@Ottoow06]

Thank you for being here and excellently explaining how I feel on a daily basis.

[@kokoman4]

Hey there! I'm going through alot right now (having a burn-out, ending a 11 year relationship, moving etc.) and getting therapy (schema therapy) for the symptoms you described. I really resonate with everything you said. I also have the symptoms in relationships with my partner(s), but also work related (having a too high sense of responsibility). I really enjoyed listening to you. You got a very soft, feminine and calm aura in the way you speak and how you move. I find it calming for me! Thank you. Hope you are doing better than 8 months ago! Thank you for being vulnerable, and I hope this youtube account helps you feeling less lonely. Its great to have such community to make us viewers less lonely too.

[@blkjak]

Thank you so much for this video. I am just recently diagnosed with BPD. I am just over 1 year being on LTD recovering from burnout. You are the first person to explain what I have trouble explaining. I needed this and appreciate this more than you will ever know. Thank you!

[@NiyoMalik]

So appreciative of you. Sending you so much love!

[@la-liz7682]

Thank you so much for this amazing video!!! I constantly feel like I am chasing love and have to accomplish or look a certain way to be cared about. Like 95 percent of my friendships I put way more into. I definitely do the same with my boyfriend and I’m the same way in parenthood. I feel like my parents completely prefer their partners to me also, and that even my getting a PhD didn’t get the love that I so desperately wanted. So it leads to this quiet inner rage, but then it periodically comes out bc my own needs are hardly ever met. But bc I’m so soft spoken and seemingly friendly and always interested in mothering everyone I come across, people always miss the internal chaos and incredible lows that I experience-even therapists have. Thank you so much for this!!

[@dominic___7383]

I can’t describe how much you words give me right now. Just discovered that disorder after I met a psychologist for the first time. Everything makes slowly sense. So thanks for your story!

[@fakeruby333]

Wow I am so glad I stumbled on this video. I thought I was the only one who felt this way but it is so comforting to hear your experience. Thank you for sharing, I needed this :)

[@Kira-vs1zy]

I feel so seen. Thank you for making this video!

[@SamytheBullFitness]

I'm so sorry for your pain and wish you peace in your mind and soul, you are so beautiful. Sending you positive vibes and much love.

[@readingnarcissism]

This is a good take on an exhausting condition and turmoil through relationships. Well said 👏

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you!

[@gerardoramos538]

im diagnosed with quiet BPD, and i feel u... and your channel has helped me a lot... i have been trying to find someone or someway to not feel as an alien everywhere... and is nice to hear that someone actually understands what a mess my head is... i usually tell my wife that she couldnt be 10 mins in my head without going crazy... and actually only someone who has BPD can understand what it is like... thanks! thank u sooooo much! (i dont usually leave comments... sorry...)

[@Monster-wt1qk]

Im proud of you for sharing… thank you so much. Much love to you. 🖤🖤🖤

[@wizardflaps]

Eloquently put together, I feel this 100% of the time.

[@lion4life954]

I feel sorry that you have suffered so much. You are gorgeous!, so many good guys out there would think they have won the lottery to be with you . I’m geussing you don’t feel that way about yourself. At least the hell you have been through is helping so many other suffering people. You deserve to be loved and made safe x thank you for your efforts

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thanks so much for this, I appreciate it ☺️

[@user-yz4jo1yl8b]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It helped me sort out a lot of the chaotic emotions and feelings ive felt in times in my life. Ive tortured myself internally my whole life while trying to please others

[@user-yz4jo1yl8b]

I had been doing great for 2 years or so and i reached that point recently of the beach ball coming up out of water eventually

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@onthelinecommunity]

I’m glad this was helpful ☺️

[@kimberlyc2835]

I love that you open yourself up to create a safe space and community to help guide people like us, instead of suffering alone in silence. Youre really brave and im glad to know that people like you, similar to me, exist in this world. 💕 we can achieve anything, and even if it seems like the world is crashing down, I know now, that everything will be okay. Its a lot of work and effort to try and solve these problems on your own, and the fact that there are people willing to be supportive is a beautiful thing. Lets keep lifiting each other up from now on. 🥰

[@bmst6162]

A wonderful video explaining my exact life experiences. Now in my sixth decade I am saddened having taken this long to understand myself. People pleasing, chasing praise and all the rest. I so appreciate your candor. Thank you for taking the time to produce this video. I found it very validating. Best wishes to you.

[@chadhiggins9944]

You're like the first person that I've ever seen that is exactly like me. Thank you for this video 🥰

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course! ☺️

[@witnessofchrist2524]

You sound ambitious and kindhearted. The only part that is exhausting is not saying no and ppl pleasing. You have done an excellent job at explaining all this. You're a great spokesperson for ppl that go through this silently. ❤🙏🏾

[@james240878]

Thank you so much for being so open and honest. It's so important with this to not feel alone and in just making others feel less alone with their struggles you are doing something wonderful

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course!

[@sugar-and-mochi]

Thank you for making this video. I spoke with my therapist today about getting a formal diagnosis and I found your videos while trying to learn more about BPD. I empathize with going through the cycle of chasing approval from others and never feeling satisfied with myself. As much as it's not great that there are many others going through this struggle, I hope for the best for all us in knowing that we're working through this together.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course!

[@mcjibbo6100]

I have some really rough times at the moment and finding your channel was blessing. It helped me to understand why i react so intense in most of my conflicts with myself. I'm finding myself in an endless downward spiral of selfhate and dissapointment because i'm failing in so much ways in such simple cases. It drives me completely crazy. I try everyday so hard but i feels i achieve nothing. It is so frustating because there are every day so many problems i have to face. I have lost the joy in my life and i hurts me more everyday. And there is the all the time the feeling that i will be forever alone and doesn't deserve to get loved by someone since my girlfriend left me 5years ago. I hope there will be better days soon. Thank you for helping me living with myself.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Stay strong ❤️

[@jimjones7912]

Thank you! Your openness is appreciated! ❤

[@carlydaisy6628]

Wow! You have just described me perfectly. I'm 49 years old, and am only now discovering why I am the way I am. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that you have discovered this way sooner. Sending love and compassion.

[@DerEinsamerWolf]

I’ve been dealing with this my entire life and never knew what it was called. I’ve been in therapy again and trying to work things out but again felt like it wasn’t doing much. Years of therapy and I haven’t been properly diagnosed but every single description you made is literally my life everyday!! Thank you for this video!

[@garn79]

according to many psychologists bpd is often misdiagnosed & misunderstood by professionals

[@danielledumadag1969]

I have never related to someone so much more in my life. Thank you for this video, really needed it

[@genosmiles1194]

Thank you o much for sharing some of your symptoms. I resonate so much with them that I must suffer from "male Quiet BPD." It is so nice to see someone be brave enough to share what Q-BPD's experience and that there is a way to understand oneself and benefit from that. So I am now a subscribed member.

[@tia1366]

I kind of had a backslide this last week after doing well for almost a month. I felt like it was all my fault and I had failed. Thank you for helping me cope and learn. Take care!

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience 💕

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@jackuru]

I didn’t know about subtypes, and this quiet side speaks to my diagnosis. I’m grateful for this informative video ☺️

[@onthelinecommunity]

Glad this was helpful! 😊

[@propaycheque]

This is the closest and most honest description of the struggles that I experience. Thank you for that seamless explication of the pathological paradox that splits the control I feel over my life between my hard exterior and the inner, roiling turmoil that erupts when I can't control. I may sacrifice internally to personal earthquakes and volcanoes but I have learned special magnetic qualities as a gift.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course 🥰

[@gtl1010]

You candor, open heart and raw emotion are amazingly genuine. It takes an incredibly strong person to express yourself the way you do. Please take time for yourself as I’m sure sharing your experiences can be draining.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you for the thoughtful message and looking out for my well-being! ☺️

[@irishgirl1753]

@@onthelinecommunity you are a beautiful young lady you are very articulate 🙏❤️🤗

[@kalvinwhite733]

You do such a good job conveying things, it's never a ramble I've find your videos really useful, and I imagine you're helping a lot of other people, you're a really good person to take the time to make these videos and it's much appreciated, I really hope things go well for you, because you've shared you've been through a lot and are still working on things , but you keep and it's nice when things work out for good people with as much empathy as you achieve happiness. Sorry for the novel, this video especially so I wanted to say this.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Wow thank you so much for that! It really warms my heart 🥰

[@philpell9002]

Thanks for sharing your experience! Sending love and strength x

[@Coolvideobrokfjdjd]

Thank you for making this video, you made this quiet bpd man feel very connected.

[@visionvixxen]

Yes- there is so much we experience- a million issues and possibilities behind every social interaction or lack thereof. So hard to say what you need when people take it as demanding, etc and you don’t want to be- you just want to happily let them know 😊

[@onthelinecommunity]

I agree!

[@treminicusrex329]

My therapist doesn't think I have BDP (I disagree, but he's the professional) but definitely have around 8 to 7 of the traits that he confirmed and I fit more into the quiet BPD. Through my research and my dive into this topic the more this condition describes me. As a man, we're usually misdiagnosed and are tended to be overlooked for it because supposedly the majority are female. Men are usually taught to suppress (me being one of them) their emotions. So we feel these things and everyone things things are honky dory while you're suffering from intense emotional/psychological pain. Especially beating yourself up over "being to emotional ", feeling to weak to be alive, needing to be "the best" so people will accept you. But for the me one of the worst things is knowing where these symptoms come from and still feeling helpless against them.

[@5ku1ly]

That was a very helpful "ramble." Thanks for this.

[@kaylavargas1835]

You've hit the nail on the head on explaining it, for me at least. Thank you so much for this video, it's helped me so much & helps me explain to others

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course!

[@MindfullyMindy]

Quiet BPD is so hard to explain, but you did it well. Thank you.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course!

[@DizzyRock09]

This video was so helpful. I just realized today I show a lot of these symptoms myself. This sounds like my life and it’s felt so long and soo hard . It helps to know I’m not the only one that has been struggling with this and not knowing what it was. I tend to isolate and put up walls because I’m scared and tired of being used and hurt. I always try to show up being strong and trying to be there for everyone else and when it comes to me I have to much pride to ask for help. There’s only very few ppl that have seen me in my most vulnerable self . I rather hide because I suffer with unworthiness & a lot of ppl don’t understand because externally it seems I have everything I need . I do work on healing and self love , it’s been years of Inner child work as well and all but the symptoms are still there. Not as bad but I find myself with repeating patterns . Other ppl don’t understand my constant mood swings daily and self defeating thoughts . I go back and forth fighting myself with positive and negative thoughts about myself . I always keep fighting through , but it drains me and feels so exhausting. I do self sabotage a lot and walk away from ppl and opportunities feeling they won’t last or they will eventually hurt me . Thank you so much for this video and for sharing your vulnerability with us . Hugs and much appreciated ❤

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you so much for those kind words and sharing your own story! 🥰

[@Christine-jg3hf]

Wow the same with me reading your comment it was like my words all the way around and more such a struggle fighting everyday I know God is with us I have faith I'm fighting lack of support it's hard for me to get my words down thoughts I know we'll make it through this I pray everyday God please help us stay with us God bless everyone thank you so much!💞🌷💪🙏

[@85Jmay]

Thank you so much for helping to explain this, it's such a defeating and sometimes devastating disorder. I'm grateful for people like you who give us a choice. I've been trying to do the same on IG but most people don't really listen

[@annestay5021]

Thank you for sharing your experience. You are worthy.💜

[@fionamolina1324]

my first real relationship just ended horribly and the main reason was that i hadn’t been feeling the same (romantically) for a while but i couldn’t fathom to tell her because she’s my best friend and thinking of her leaving me was my worst nightmare, which has now come true. I’ve been reflecting since it ended how emotionally exhausting being in a relationship was for me, every fight felt like i was dying, and i always took the blame for everything. Then it clicked in my head that the cause of this may be BPD. Watching this video and relating to every single thing you said was very eye opening. thank you

[@reneelynn444]

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone💕 To share a thought I had years ago: I am here because I am relevant. I am relevant because I am here.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course 💕

[@keelannaasz2776]

Love that

[@bykristopherson7939]

Thank you for those great words. Keep on your amazing journey

[@7horsemomma]

I am so very grateful I found you!

[@fordpowered3792]

You just explained my life. I understand every word

[@fordpowered3792]

I'm sorry. Just know your aren't alone. I feel your pain.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Im glad you could relate!

[@mamaccii_]

god you explained me so well. Especially trying to be perfect and be supportive and to be a people pleaser.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Glad you can relate!

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. He says comes as you are cos he doesn't need a perfect you. He loves you just the way you are. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@EpicSandwich301]

this video hit me like a brick wall and almost made me cry thank u a lot

[@keelannaasz2776]

I can totally relate ❤❤❤ while I have some of the “loud” symptoms of bpd, it’s mostly quiet. I’ve been really struggling with the facade lately. Just like you said, it’s exhausting and lonely. Thank you for sharing! ❤

[@queenofgoldenhearts]

i had to pause several times watching this like… i relate so hard to your journey and feelings so much i really felt represented by this video, thank you so much for sharing! i had the worst time being an overachiever to be seen, praised, validated and loved, always chasing at a very young age dealing with adhd and ended up dissociating, having anxiety, burning out what led me to severe depression so all my negative emotions and thoughts became more intense, i kept everything inside and no longer had the energy to keep chasing like i was doing and so i hated myself, i was a failure you know? i had to achieve to be loved but wasn’t able to do it anymore until years later i had treatment and well… i finally recovered from depression and wasn’t always so down anymore but all my other emotions were so over the place, strong and intense, basically no sense of self as well etc and that was when i got my bpd diagnosis! i’m definitely doing better but is something i have to deal with everyday and it’s really exhausting trying to change the wrong beliefs i’ve learned while growing up

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you for sharing 💕

[@lilyjane1011]

Your testimony makes me think that I really need to discuss this possible diagnostics for me. A GP suggested it while I was in a psych hospital for a sévère dépression wrongly diagnosed as bipolar...

[@queenofgoldenhearts]

@@lilyjane1011if ever feel like that, especially this lack of sense of self or always fearing abandonment, doing all those things to be someone that people will love and obviously all the other symptoms you really should considerate and discuss this possibility! it took me around then 6 months to get my proper diagnosis since I already suspected that, but I talked to my therapist and so she kept an eye looking through my past experiences and my current behaviors until we both came into the conclusion that it really was the case, it was really worth it. I hope you all the best

[@chunkybuttz844]

Here I am like “this is EXACTLY me”. It really only manifests itself in romantic relationships for me as well

[@ronlyons7455]

With Gratitude for your honesty. Your vulnerability, as you speak with strength and Courage ... 💕

[@gavingadway]

I can’t thank you enough for making this video. This is an extremely vulnerable topic that spoke so verbosely on that I bet not only helped you, but also helped many others including myself. I am going to speak with my psychiatrist about this because almost all of the attributes that you’ve mentioned and which I’ve researched do line up with my life experience. Thank you again Kayla🙌🏻 This really meant a lot to me❤

[@AishaMCoupons]

Thank you for this. I'm researching my brother's disorder and trying to understand BPD. This helps a lot. I, myself, have bipolar II. The two seem very similar!

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course!

[@johncalhoun7569]

I feel what you're saying. I have mostly been quite borderline most of my life. But circumstances and family have pushed me to become more vocal with letting my emotions out. I think it's because I've reached my breaking point and can't internalize it all any longer. I was almost 45 before I realized I have BPD. That was 8 months ago. I've started DBT in group and individual but it's a super slow process. I don't do the homework and stay trapped in my thoughts. Now that I know what BPD and the symptoms are, I recognize them most days. It's discouraging, kinda like I think my BPD has gotten worse now that I recognize the symptoms almost every day.

[@MyDoppleganger20]

Everything you say is an accurate description of what I'm going through and have been since the age of 17

[@jasonleebluesimplosion2423]

Was not a ramble. I have never heard anybody describe so accurately what happens in my head. This was really nice to find. So thank you:)❤

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you:)

[@womaninthewave]

Man I’m relieved Finally have a diagnosis I completely identify with. And my whole life I’ve wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I’ve struggled immensely my whole life. My bpd symptoms only came out with my family and romantic partners. With everyone else I was perfect me and until I fell off into the abyss and hid myself from everyone. Fast forward many years from elementary school when these problems started presenting, in 2022 I was a severe drug addict and alcoholic, agoraphobic and massively isolated, codependent, desperate to numb the pain and vast emptiness inside of me that came from seeing the world in black and white. I was diagnosed with major depressive episode with recurrent severe episodes, GAD, panic disorder with social phobia, ADHD and PTSD. oof that’s a lot. Oh also substance use disorder. I was falsely diagnosed with bipolar several times but I’ve never had a manic episode. I do think I highly resonate with my diagnoses but to me it seems so much of these symptoms come back to quiet BPD. I meet all 9 characteristics of BPD in the DSM-5 as well as all the characteristics of this subtype. It feels relieving as scary as it is at the same time. I realize I’m not terminally unique. I don’t know how to stop overcompensating and then when I fail I isolate and feel hopeless and unloveable. Everyday I’m consumed by an intense fear that people in my life don’t love me. I’m reassured and it helps for a moment and then it’s back to torturing myself. How do I give this reassurance to myself? Where do I go from here? I almost died last Feb by suicide. Very narrowly survived. I have never gone back to that mindset because of the look in my mom’s face when she came in and saw me awake but still on a ventilator in the ICU- feeling like I was suffocating. I NEVER want to get back to that place. Please please anyone give me tips and things you’ve learned. I’m desperate

[@alchemicalheart248]

In DBT they offer a technique called "wise mind". Wise mind is a powerful tool for calling into question many of those thoughts or beliefs that tend to corrupt our perceptions of reality and send us spiraling from grace. I hope it will help you. You seem so beautiful and lovable to me that I have to use wise mind myself in order to accept my own (perceived) lack of someone to love. I hope you find the well-being you deserve. much love

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you for sharing your journey!

[@suegoldfild8990]

DBT therapist and please watch Curtis Kessler How I Cured my Avoidant Personality video!

[@parkerpeters1080]

Thank you! I really appreciate the perspective in your videos. Super helpful! Would love to see your take on ECT used for qBPD. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for ~10 years and did 15 sessions of ECT. I understand for some people it really helps, unfortunately not for me.

[@onthelinecommunity]

Of course! I’ll add it to my suggestion list and make a video on it 🥰

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@peytonbills8955]

Thank you for the chat, I appreciate you

[@SmirkingGun616]

Thank you so much for this video. I don't know if I have bpd but I have and am even as I type this experiencing about 100% of what you describe here. It has helped immensely to hear out loud someone else's experiences with this. It is helping me to decide on trying to get diagnosed with what I have been living with for over 30 years of my life.

[@formattmusic1359]

Having quiet BPD is lonely. We're afraid to be rejected and abandoned, but because of the isolation within ourselves. Those people can stay, but no matter who stays. Everything is so internalized, that even if we have people to share with, we dont. Cuz that fear of being vulnerable and real with other people, keeps us quiet about what is really going on.

[@onthelinecommunity]

You said it beautifully, I can relay relate!

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

There is one who watches over and He is so amazing and He you more than anybody. He loves you Hun, and he wants to help you🙏. All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@formattmusic1359]

@@gracemawulikatakiti2300 Thankyou for that kind message. I am a believer of Jesus. Im actually a worship leader. I just started my own channel where I teach people to play worship songs. So I am definitely a believer. Having quiet bpd, though, makes being a believer difficult. So much abandonment, so much unmet expectations. But thank you for your kindness. It didnt go un-noticed.

[@silohjesusesnuestrapromesa5059]

Being vulnerable is a superpower ❤

[@victorordonez886]

This video made me feel a little less alone, thank you.