Overcoming the Fear of Loneliness While Ace

For ace week 2019 I wanted to talk about the challenges that aces face in overcoming a fear of loneliness in a society that often tells us that we're destined to be alone. (Spolier: that's BS.) Hope you enjoy!

[@julliannedlc]

I'm crying as I watch this, especially towards the end. The action of sitting down and talking about your relationship with those you have those relationships with is so so important and eliminates that vague promise of jusy "let's talk and catch up one day!" Life is finite and friendships inevitably come and go. But by taking initiative to talk to those people and say "this is the role you play in my life, and I'd like to see this continue" and just talk specifics open and honestly, that is so powerful and can turn present day friendships into lifelong ones. It really makes me want to reach out to my loved ones right now and remind them how much they mean to me, and how much I'd like that to remain. Ah, thank you David Jay. You and your messages have been a huge presence in my life as an asexual just trying to life a happy life. All of the love

[@paull.rogers4562]

I’m alone. I tried to build relationships with friends. It doesn’t work for everyone. Most days I’m okay. There are days that I just want this life to be over. I’m aro/ace.

[@HiNinqi]

Sending love from the future in 2021! 🖤💜🤍

[@holunderbluetenstaub]

Thank you so much for being an elder to us, giving such an explicit script, a well explored way of life that I can relate to. This video was really meaningful to me.

[@missdimples1982]

Great advice. I went on a date after being asked out, I told him that I was Ace and explained what that meant. We spoke back and forth for a few week's before meeting up. On the date he suggested I went to the doctor's for hormone treatment as I was too pretty to be Ace. I made my excuses soon after and left

[@diane_princess]

I overcame my fear of loneliness by realising why I don't feel lonely now. I realise that I want to be a part of society and so I do community service, I have hobby's/ sport that I like to do with other people and my job is also important. Sometimes I get the impression online that people use their aceness as an excuse to not interact with people irl. And everyone needs a different amount of interaction but if you're not happy and you mostly sit inside than nothing is gonna change. I can really enjoy going to a museum or on vacation on my own and to just be around people and to interact with them when I want to. The second thing I did was looking at older people who manage quit well on their own. I know several people, including my grandma, who are not in a relationship (any more) and some of them never had kids and seeing that because they are active and get out there they manage to do quit well. Knowing they can do it makes me realise that I'll be able to do it when I'm older especially because I know it's coming and can prepare myself and have a lot of practice now.

[@thespiritschild]

Being open in relationships of any kind. Yes. That’s the key to happy and healthy relationships.

[@moz_autumn]

Happy ace week! Thank you David for the ace visibility and education. Thank you for inspiring all the aces to feel comfortable being themselves. And, I read on a UK newspaper that you have a daughter, aww so sweet, awww. I'm ace and still want kids myself, every ace is different, I know many aces that do not want kids and that is valid too. I like the different lifestyles in the ace community, every one is welcome and no one feels like the odd one out. All are welcome. I wish for the ace community to continue doing well. Best wishes !

[@kingmespeaks6839]

Thank you for making this video and thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. As someone dealing with depression, the reassurance that you don't have to be alone is always good to hear. I struggle a bit whenever I realize that how deeply I care for a friend is not reciprocated, and it's nice to know that being open and vulnerable with those feelings to others won't always inevitably lead to emptiness. Again, thank you for sharing this, and I'm so glad that someone like you is out there helping others cope with the anxieties and fears that so many people face as a sexual orientation minority.

[@kayleighblome8218]

Thank you for bringing this up. Your TED talk on this subject brought me to having conversations with important people in my life. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but it turned into a beautiful understanding where I get to have more vulnerable and open communication with those I’m closest to. Knowing that these people will discuss relationship changes could also be really valuable for my feeling secure and avoiding that loneliness so thank you for continuing the discussion.

[@sonjaschafer6076]

Thank you so much for speaking about this. I really needed to hear that. My besties keep getting into relationships and tbh it hurts me like a break up. I am just so relieved about Not being alone in this.

[@lunatic1007]

“ How fear of loneliness works for all of our friends and for everyone else in the world.” This is my biggest goal as an ace person as well. Fear is not great for the brain. I’ve lived in dark places in my mind due to this crippling thought as an ace person; it was far from what I wanted or could accept. “Did I deserve love if I didn’t want sex?” I used to convince myself, no. People become aggressive, forceful, irritated, resentful when the underlying emotion is just this...afraid of being alone, afraid of not being able to receive love. But we aren’t able to receive love in the right way for ourselves unless we have the time to become self aware. Most people just don’t have this luxury. Do they? It takes so much hard work that isn’t readily appreciated. The mental work and to push beyond comfort zones. We aces are good at pushing beyond comfort zones, I believe, due to living in a sexual world. I used to ALWAYS be uncomfortable, before I knew of the asexual community! How is it we can urge people to follow their own needs and become self aware?? That’s where I’m at now.

[@HiNinqi]

The question you ended your statement with is worth a video in itself!

[@azara7574]

Thanks for the thoughtful video! One problem i've encountered a lot with friendships is that other people often don't put much effort in to them. They are too focused on the idea that a romantic/sexual relationship is the only one they should invest in and treat seriously. (The other issue that arrises with that idea is they then have an unfortunate expectation that only one 'special' person is required to fulfil their every need which is unrealistic and causes a lot of stress in the relationship). So I definitely find it tricky to maintain a friendship where i'm not putting a whole lot of effort in and the other person is barely giving anything back in return.

[@laylavladi]

Thank you so much for this.

[@snowboardhikebikeutah]

I hope I’m able to try this in the future. I still don’t have people close enough that I can rely on yet. Still struggling with acquaintances that ghost me when they enter into a new relationship 😪

[@samiko6091]

Fascinating and so glad you figured this out :) Now if only I can find connections...

[@alltimebubble7837]

Thank you for this video, gaining stability in friendships is so useful for not feeling lonely anymore. I also want to thank you just in general for founding AVEN, without that site I would still be so confused about who I am, I would still feel like I'm the only one

[@theresereht]

I really needed to hear this. Thank you.

[@emilykapallen4979]

You have given the aroace community something invaluable here: a way to put our worries and fears to good use and turn them into action.

[@EL-gu8fv]

I've got it round the other way. I feel I've never been lonely because I'm ace. I love my own company, you have to make an appointment to see me, and I'm happy with superficial contact.

[@lane6136]

Thank you David. ❤️

[@kevinhill8193]

Everyone I get to know wants to take things sexual. They won't take it back at that point. I want another ace friend to protect me from the awkwardness.

[@tallonhunter3663]

33 in '23. known im ace for a year and out almost as long and this just... i see the pattern with how i bond. I feel seen... thank you.

[@EricBryan]

Great idea to bring intention to friendships and the role that ace people can play in bringing awareness to this topic. Thank you!

[@Mario10016]

thanks for this video.

[@matthewjensen9378]

Thank you

[@rainydaze4409]

I think I've known for years that I was ace, but here I am again crying about it and feeling like I'm missing out on a core part of life that solidifies bonds with people and feeling literally exactly like you said, like there is no way to truly connect with people in the way that they need it. I'm not sure what I am on the ace spectrum but all of my experiences match so closely with the things other ace-identifying people have experienced, it all just fits together so cohesively that it's hard to deny. I am not aromantic though. ^^ Being female especially, it's like being sexually attractive and desired, and having those kinds of relationships and connections is so vital to your worth as a person - or at least having that potential for a sexual connection. Movies and books and just the media make it feel like sex is almost the highest form of love, the closest bond you can have with someone. But you put all my fears into words perfectly and made me not feel so defective, so thank you

[@pranavlimaye]

Thank you, David Jay. And godspeed to us all!

[@neali876]

this is where qpr comes in

[@Charles-yg9tj]

All I can say and think is... WoW😮. There really is a possibility of being intimate with someone who may come into my life one day. And, if not, there is a community in which I feel like I might be able to belong and not have to feel like I have to explain or justify my feelings which has, in the past, often brought feelings of sadness and unworthiness. I found AVEN a few years ago but due to external influences in my life at the time didn't allow me to be truly involved. When I watched the video on IC channel of you speaking and heard the current number of people now on AVEN (60k) I thought to myself, "wow, I would have liked to have gotten involved in it during it's infancy" but hindsight is often 20/20... maybe it wasn't the right time to do so.I guess life is a journey during which I learn day by day. In sorry if my comment might seem like random thoughts but I say all this to say, your video is extremely heartfelt. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for creating such a community.

[@neali876]

he is a precious bean

[@donaldduck3888]

thx, for this video. I am rlly struggling with the uncertainty of my relationships. But I think being more intentional about them could really help me.

[@NoopyP]

This is such a wonderful video and it makes me realize as an ace person how much I value relationships, as I can get really attached to people in a non sexual and most of the time non romantic way and it pains me that relationships can fade away so easily with the changes that occur in our lives. I wish I could keep them all.

[@mzsonsie]

I'm so happy to find this video and many others like this. The fear of loneliness and the desire for emotional intimacy have forced me to get involved with people who want sex and in the absence of any other relational models or refrence points to affirm the normacy of my preferences, I have had to fake my way in relationships...even workinh hard to convince myself to assimilate and learn how to behave sexually jist to keep these relationships that I eventually absolutely hated and dreaded and ran away from. Only to be confused about what it is that i wanted and where i would find it. This thing is, I know what I wanted...I just didn't have the vocabulary or the clarity of thought to actually articulate it to myself or to others. Until I learned that there is such a thing called Asexuality and until I started hearing the stories of others. I am so happy to learn after all these years that I am not alone and there is nothing wrong with being the way I am as an Asexual woman who loves to love. Thank you so much for sharing 🙏 I am grateful

[@ferntheneuropoet]

A high intimacy drive... That's a good way to put it. At 16 I was told that "God wanted" me to marry a guy - and the next year we were married. I had never been interested in dating and never experienced sexual attraction, but I thought it was probably just my strict upbringing or something. However, even after marriage I didn't really experience attraction. For the 26 years of our marriage I never measured up to my husband's previous sexual experiences -- even though I let him do whatever he wanted to me to try to please him. Nothing was enough -- and we just recently divorced. Most of me is just destroyed inside because I was just not enough and couldn't keep my family together. Plus, our sons are grown now, but they have physical disabilities that keep them from being able to be independent, so I am caring for them alone now. However, part of me is relieved that I will never have to have sex again - or try to figure out what sexual attraction even is... I'm just sad that it is likely I will grow old alone. I have no time to deepen the few relationships I have -- and my boys and I are on the autism spectrum, which makes developing new friendships hard. I'm 43 now, and I didn't know there was a word for my experience of sexuality... I need to do some research.

[@juliabrown6253]

thank u for thisss

[@simplisticminimalistic868]

I'm your 700th Subscriber !

[@Anarchivist343]

Is it possible to make a script for asking people this? It is really scary for me and I would really appreciate it written out.

[@kathleenpink9003]

♥️

[@neali876]

he is so brave omg i could never :((

[@vivalarevolucion9]

It's amazing how you don't age! 😀

[@alili945]

heyyy, hope you're doing alright

[@avacota3995]

Idk what to do.. i can’t really find good friends in my age range in my town and I’m not aromantic I’m very romantic but i am asexual and for a long time I though I was broken, in my late teens I had a group of girls friends and they weren’t good.. at some point they were forcing me to have sex with the boyfriend that they put me with, and it was awful to deal with them and him being all forceful and mean and i just didn’t know what was wrong with me or why i couldn’t bring myself to. I felt very very happy when I found out it has a name and it’s not a desease, a mental trauma, and i wasn’t broken. But at the end I am still finding myself super lonely, when I go into relationships I have found myself just pleasing my partner and later been told I was really really good at it, but i never really “lost my virg” and many weren’t open to never doing it and just accept the way I could do things, later I found myself being used by one of them but still looking for someone else on the side and it felt even more awful… i tried to take the topic into therapy but all my therapist have been so misinformed about asexuality that it was left me more hopeless and unable to find someone to really talk to about this things and help me throu these struggles…

[@cookiecat7759]

I love seeing asexual ppl talk about their experiences on KZbin b:333

[@almor2445]

I don't know if I'm ace. Tbh I'm confused. I've tried being with men and hated every second. With women I love the intimacy, even physical closeness even sex once in a while. But it's not my interest or drive. Its an accidental side effect that can be pleasurable but I more often stressful and unwanted. Any ideas?

[@ELECTRONICAMOM]

THERE SHOULD BE A DATING SITE FOR A SEXUALS ONLY.

[@kathleenpink9003]

Spanish subtitle, please!