How to stop looking for other people's approval | Thich Nhat Hanh answers questions

Thich Nhat Hanh answers questions during a retreat at Deer Park Monastery, California (October, 2013).
Question: I always feel like I am not good enough. How do I become more stable so I do not need to seek affirmation outside of myself?
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#ThichNhatHanh #mindfulness

[@D.Middzz]

You gotta applaud the young woman in the beginning. It took a lot of courage for her to share her insecurities openly.

[@jeffbanfieldsflwr3537]

She is well on her way to overcoming her insecurities.

[@travisphelps6694]

you must not need the applause of other people!

[@connieanderson2281]

Why did the woman repeat the girl’s question???

[@healer81]

@@consciouseco775 of course, Dr. Phil is a mere child compared to Thich Nhat Hanh. He is someone that walks the path, even when he has gone recently.

[@healthamongstus710]

:3 Yeah I was born and raised in Miami, FL, USA, the city often rated the rudest and worst drivers of America. Often a lot of discrimination against English, too expensive in many areas, obesity, etc. Two-party puppet circus bully double-standards dictatorshittttt political system. I left America some years ago. It's a huge relief in a good handful of ways. We need veganism. For the planet, animals, ending world hunger, health, and tastes. Spiritual 👻 over debunked religion and debunked material atheism.

[@radekkubica6089]

"Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior. But nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I."

[@jeremylink7701]

The dichotomy..is that we are Divinely Unique yet we are also One within Divinity, whom is unlimited which makes us all equal.

[@yourdadisretard]

"Magnanimity of Creation is such that everything is same, similar and different (unique) at the same time." Every Experience you have, has come from the world & it's people ( Same, Similar & Unique) It depends upon what a person is seeing at that moment. See sameness then everything is 'One' & See Difference ( that makes us Unique ) then everybody/thing are 'Unique'. 😄

[@emmanuelweinman9673]

you may be you and I may be me, but we are we and all is energy.

[@gabriellanordenson5459]

🙏

[@katrinalivingston5017]

Absolutely

[@dntq]

"You are a flower in the garden of humanity. You are not something less than a flower in the garden of humanity. If you know that you have the seed of compassion, of joy, of happiness in you, then you know that you have a value."

[@claudiaw.6665]

The subtle “good luck” at the end !!!!! Made me fall in love with him even more. Gentle, kind, funny, compassionate. Mann....so happy I came across this beautiful being!

[@jeffbanfieldsflwr3537]

So much wisdom in his voice. I can see his aura!

[@mahek3017]

@@jeffbanfieldsflwr3537 Listening to him makes me feel more humble, peaceful and happier!! He is a jewel!!

[@Reree-gz5bg]

@@mahek3017 yes!!! 🥳🥳🥳

[@vamosabv]

@Claudia W, hope luck has been with you in many ways and may you be happy, healthy and safe.

[@horizonanadyomene]

this is the first time i've seen him since he passed away, and it made me genuinely smile. he taught so much and will continue to. thank you

[@divain4257]

She spoke with such profound self observation.

[@Buttercookies1111]

The "Good luck" in the end is so precious.

[@dynomar11]

Her translating English back to him after him just hearing it is probably the most unintentionally hilarious thing I've ever seen

[@_NobodySpecial_]

probably hard of hearing

[@beberdos]

For me it's the self conscious decapitated head on the desk that does it.

[@fowlowl6236]

I was wondering what was up with that

[@antarespsyche3356]

Perhaps he just needs to hear things twice because English is not his primary language, and he may not have a strong command of it.

[@ngs8022]

Perhaps no ordinary person can speak to a Vietnamese Lama - but only cute secretaries?

[@soysaucetina]

as a vietnamese immigrant to america i have been greatly affected by intergenerational trauma. thich nhat hanh has been pivotal in my self healing country

[@Rosco-P.Coldchain]

I’m so glad your country of birth now live in peace..I hope you find peace too ❤

[@angelathompson7454]

You are a flower in the garden of humanity in the kingdom of God! Beautiful words and love!

[@bodiljohansen9845]

Smukt !!

[@bodiljohansen9845]

Beautiful answer 😇

[@lauralunaazul]

He didnt say God, just humanity :) They dont believe in A God.

[@darkboy284]

Why you throwing God In there there religion is no religion they don't no believe and this is true freedom

[@shanti3152]

He actually did say “God”, just to be more inclusive.

[@dawnreine9526]

Thank you That..When you said we are flowers in the garden of humanity and I'm not anything less i cried. I been struggling for years doubting myself and not getting along with my dad. He constantly talks about my past mistakes and puts me down..:( I hope I can be strong

[@christiangasior4244]

Is that you in this video? It looks a lot like you.

[@jnguyen91684]

Dawn Reine you are a strong person and I believe in you

[@onelittledropintheocean]

A parent who treats you like that often has NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. There are a lot of uTube videos by psychologists explaining the impact of this on your life, please check some out because it really helps to understand the psychology behind your relationship with your father. Basically, you will never get approval & unconditional love from him, and this is heartbreaking to realise ... A grieving takes place actually 😢 But you will learn that self love & love of nature/life itself is the most important love to have in your life, true peace will follow and your heart will no longer feel imprisoned ... And then your life will bloom! Peace be with you, precious flower 🌺💕🕊

[@user-qp6vg9ho8u]

I had the same thing with my father growing up. Keeping your distance from him as much as you can will give you the control back in your life to think about this rationally and to understand it’s not your fault he treats you in this way

[@lollic307]

Hi! I am 39 and still struggle with not being good enough for family. I spend half my life trying to prove myself and the other half self destructing when I realized their is no way to make them happy with you. Now I am healing and do not want to punish myself anymore. We are good enough. We are not perfect. Ignore the negative things and focus on the good things .

[@jennboyermusic]

I resonate with everything she asked so much. It's hard to grow up in the U.S., as well as many other countries, without developing the habit of seeking validation from others. I love the answers of trusting your own experience and compassionately respecting people's differences without saying one is better or worse. These videos and Q&A's are very helpful, thank you so much

[@jeffbanfieldsflwr3537]

Just know that you are equal to the next man or woman. It is your right to secure in yourself.

[@Reree-gz5bg]

🤎🤎🤎 I am Chinese American. I’m from China, but live in the US. So I agree with you.

[@ཀལའུདིཨབྱམསཔ]

Same here…. Even now 🙏🙏🙏

[@healthamongstus710]

Yeah I was born and raised in Miami, FL, USA, the city often rated the rudest and worst drivers of America. Often a lot of discrimination against English, too expensive in many areas, obesity, etc. Two-party puppet circus bully double-standards dictatorshittttt political system. I left America some years ago. It's a huge relief in a good handful of ways. We need veganism. For the planet, animals, ending world hunger, health, and tastes. Spiritual 👻 over debunked religion and debunked material atheism.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

: @ Jenn Boyer : Yes !

[@neranjadesilva4126]

A true Buddhist and a great spiritual leader.

[@BarryaLLen-ik8bq]

Neranja De Silva Jesus Chris is the only way

[@AKA-077]

@@BarryaLLen-ik8bq wrong, many ways and all true

[@Simplyveej]

You are assigning an identity upon him, and his message is to break free from that very notion.

[@Buccarado]

I love the spiritual bodiless head in the middle protecting the members here.

[@hybridxyx]

Whats going on there I'm so confused lol

[@day6545]

"You are a flower in the garden of humanity" ^-^ how beautiful!!

[@robbiepeterh]

These young people are very emotionally mature.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

They are indeed. And very beautiful (in spirit). I could just "claim" them all as my "own".

[@Dr_Lucozade]

@@lemostjoyousrenegade What the hell are you talking about >_>

[@saberxzero]

​@@Dr_Lucozade Claim them as in adopt them? Or maybe just to show them love, compassion and care like you would show your own child that is struggling

[@ethelwai]

"Because we have belief in our value." We lost our way because we lost our belief. Thank you Thay for your gentle reminder.

[@hjjjjjjjjzk8914]

I knew Thay wasn’t going to be with us much longer, but I am grieving the loss of him deeply. Although perhaps not entirely in the spirit of accepting impermanence, I am grateful these videos live on so we can continue to learn from him.

[@alwaysbeeurself]

This isn't easy, this is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Many times we can't change how we feel because the idea of who we are within our mind was created from toxic/dysfunctional experiences. Therefore, we take this idea of ourselves everywhere we go, protecting it to be more, better, ect, and when our experiences invalidate this or go against this, it hurts more or in many cases way more than it should. If this idea can be changed to being grounded in self security and self love, then the feelings reflected are coming from a healthier interpretation/belief of the self rather than toxic/dysfunctional one. The only thing that has worked for me is doing meditation that helps me to be more present. If you can change the idea of the self, you will change how the self interprets.

[@84sahi]

Thats why inner work is important

[@loislane9831]

I really appreciate when he spoke about not taking sides in the Vietnam war. I feel this wisdom is so relevant in the US right now. I hope that instead of letting the media and parties tell us how we should feel about one another, that we can listen to people in our community and understand them better. I genuinely feel people don’t want to be at war, they want peace and safety, they want solutions and community support. Compassion and listening are sinew.

[@townstunsltd6727]

"You are a flower in the garden of humanity, you are not something less than a flower..." a statement from a slightly wider context said at 5:35 but what a rich perspective on human social value.

[@awakenedvision5780]

Such a beautiful young lady! We live in a world that teaches us this deluded way of thinking from a very early age. Just to have the courage to see this and express these feelings openly shows great depth and self-awareness. Thich Nhat Hanh is a ray of hope in a confusing world ❤❤❤

[@Rosco-P.Coldchain]

I am 53 and for the first time in my life I am finding out who I am..I spent all my adult life people pleasing and would change my many personalities..Life can be tough especially when ur living in a culture of consumerism and peer pressure..Accepting myself and facing my fears head on with an honest infantry has released a companionate human being I thought had gone forever..I try to think of others instead of myself, and that’s a beautiful thing ..❤

[@hughslevin7120]

She is a very lucky girl to have such a very special answer to question from a wonderful Teacher . To have him wish her good luck at the end. She will not go wrong

[@mountainserenity]

This is so very helpful. It is not easy to take a stand that exposes you to criticism. But when your stand is grounded in Love, we stand on Solid Rock.

[@BetaChri5]

Oh, so true! Beautifully said!

[@67NewEngland]

The young woman who asked the question was well spoken and diligently listened to his answer. I can’t help but wish her well.

[@claritywellnesscoaching768]

Aw. Blessings to this gal. It is defo a challenge to reprogram that childhood programming that can hold us back sometimes. It can take many, many years! Speaking from my own experience lol

[@abhishes]

I have respect for the girl to have discovered this question at such an age. It took me 48 years to realize that I have this problem that I constantly seek approval of others in my mind and imagination.

[@charitykennedy4928]

I love that he said if we know we have just the 'seed of compassion' within us... what others say can have less effect. Not being at Thay's level... but even just the seed. We can believe our own location on the path is just fine. That's amazing.

[@uuunderground]

A beautiful question. I love human beings in all of our brokenness.

[@shirleyjones4041]

What I have found about myself . While doing thich meditation. Is what people think about me . Is thier opinion. It does not define me . It's not who I am .

[@draupadiomkar56]

Very solid advice given here.As long as you follow the path of truth, and it is not hurting anyone,then believe in yourself .This will never allow anybody undermining you to affect you!

[@bubblezovlove7213]

But first let me translate your English into English.... Great confidence booster.... lol

[@ewilson9435]

@@bubblezovlove7213 yeah I wondered was she speaking another language and English was put over it?

[@marijadjordjevic8920]

Yes you need to follow your path.Just some people feel hurt because of our believes.But you don't feel like you're hurting them because you have different values from them.

[@marijadjordjevic8920]

Just wanted to say that you can't prevent it

[@buddhaexhumed9922]

Very educative. I love his videos. I do research on how Buddhism disappeared in Bihar. I realized it never disappeared from Bihar. Buddhists simply failed to research Indian Buddhism. They looked at Buddhism through the sphere of their own cultures searching for only the Buddha. Buddha had a myriad of names in different villages according to his teachings there. Example. His favorite teaching was 'Lust and desire causes pain. Remove lust and desire, and pain is removed'. Translated into Bihari (where the Buddha story took place) it is DHUKH HARAN meaning to remove dukha. Three dozen villages pray to DUKH HARAN Baba. Its clear that DUKH HARAN Baba is none other than the Buddha. Problem is Buddhists are searching only for the Buddha. In the real Vaishali the Buddha begged for alms. The locals there pray to 'BHIKHAINI' Baba (Beggar Baba). Bhikhaini was mispronounced by Buddhists as Bhikshu. Who is BHIKHAINI Baba. The Buddha no doubt. But people are searching for a man called Buddha. In the real Vaishali, in Beluha the Buddha suffered a sickness and felt he had grown old. The locals pray to 'BURHA' Baba (Old Baba). Who is BURHA Baba. The Buddha no doubt. In the real Vaishali the Lichavies pressurized Buddha not to die. They trailed him to Bandagawan pressurizing him not to die. To put pressure in Hindi is DABESHWAR. Three dozen villages around the stupa where Buddha gave the Lichavies his patra, the villagers pray to Baba 'DABESHWAR NATH' meaning the man who won the pressurizing game. It was the the Buddha no doubt as he gave the Lichavies his patra and succeded in sending them back. But Buddhists are searching for the Buddha. Forgive me for commenting out of the topic. I just wanted to impart this information to you.

[@altruex]

An honor to receive advice at a young age from such a veteran in peace - she is pretty self-aware to be able to express it, nonetheless be aware as a teenager... Thay got to test his philosophy and practice in Vietnam War and also in the civil rights movement alongside Martin Luther King Jr... Any advice from him is honestly a blessing. This is the only reason why I try to stay neutral and of peace... the middle has the remind the opposing sides what peace looks like....

[@BoyG10]

I've been a fervent reader of Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh's writings. I often thought his words were translated for print until these clips surprised me just how fluent his command of English was. Respected.

[@sfarkhoy]

What a gorgeous girl to ask such a beautifully vulnerable question x

[@GLOKD]

"You are a flower in the garden of humanity." Man, that hit me in the feels.

[@cherylclark915]

I LOVE this Master. GODs' Blessings too all.

[@JumpingFish223]

When she said she feels like she's been constantly being compared was relatable. Because it's true everyone is always doing a back handed attack

[@Jukelikesgames]

Dassa whole lotta booty son

[@scottcates]

Beautifully vulnerable question and beautifully insightful response.

[@sleepycat224]

How right Thay is. Thanks Thoma Merton that you open the way to Thich Nath Hahn. God bless you and deep blessings to Thay ❤

[@StephenS-2025]

If you are only another aspect of me, then I should simply observe ill behavior in the other with compassion and sympathy. It's the " forgetting " that gets us.

[@rachelm9265]

Breathe mindfully enough times .. and you will Believe in the practice, and if someone disagrees you will smile, and others opinions won’t make you abandon your belief -you are a flower in the garden of humanity - I love this !

[@BigGerthQuake]

Its human psychology when a stranger compliments you on a decision you feel good about it therefore when another total stranger with different sets off opinion and idea disapproved you of a decision you have to feel the same level of sadness as you did joy from the first stranger's compliment. Therefore we should really believe in our own decisions and stand by them and just take others opinions as their opinions and not let it effect the way we feel too much. But our culture and society makes this hard because since a little child you have always been told what you were doing is either good or bad causing us to associate what we do and other's options to be tied together making us values others opinions more than our own.

[@fredflintstone8998]

There is something very beautiful about Thich Nhat Hanh. His words are always gentle, understated yet so powerful. So wise.

[@mantykarhu]

Thank you Thay. This teaching is what many need to do right even when faced with oppression and ignorance. 🙏

[@JanStue]

What a great teacher. I perceive so much authenticity.

[@jdgfsullivan]

Believe in yourself first. Know your truth. Build that solid foundation within you. And you won’t be persuaded by other people’s perspectives about you.

[@navitalian]

This was a good answer even if i think the young girl has said something that i hear very often. Probably people have a very naive understanding of OTHERS. Others do not even really exist. Other's opinion about us is just like the weather, if they are happy, their opinion is positive otherwise it is negative. Others do not care about YOU. And it is ok. You should care about your life. Forget others!

[@mariepayraud7788]

This is one of the thing I have to work on as well. Even if deep down I know my truth, I still have difficulties going past the judgment of others and I often catch myself doubting myself if someone say something about me. It is really hard and I found out that it was rooted into the fear of not belonging. The fear of being rejected if I show up as who I am. The fear of not being love by others. I think that's pretty normal but the whole point if to be conscious of those fear not to let them control you and not to let them who you really are.

[@noonespecial4171]

This young woman expressed this openly because she knows that she is somehow dishonouring herself. I hope this gave her courage to dissolve the identification and she realized Nibanna.

[@ad_days]

Pure love and wisdom. Love his teaching. 💗💗💗

[@irenepearse6289]

Thank you for teaching me how to listen and pause long enough by listening and repeating the question to be able to respond mindfully to others questions.

[@alejandrocubides8739]

This person is one of the most amazing people that would like to know before dying.

[@lauralunaazul]

"Good luck" , love him.

[@ashleywilkerson2064]

You have been such a blessing in my life Thay. I can’t thank you enough! I love and appreciate you mighty one!

[@alexdepilarez6921]

Thua Kinh Thay, Even now your words and teachings are more relevant and healing to my heart . This young lady is me in another form and another time and I am glad she had the courage to ask this question to you and be a voice for us that could not . I am so blessed and grateful for your teachings that you have gifted me for 21 years and transformed my life through my practice and my happy continuation..... I have arrived . Thank you for your continuation of your eternal presence... " A Cloud Never Dies " TNH 🙏🙏🙏❤

[@karrie7685]

the compass in compassion 💫

[@vkt5576]

she sounds very self aware... almost like she answered her own question in the moment "when the student is ready the teacher appears "

[@elizabethbaxter2912]

My teacher, my inspiration 🙏

[@dawnbaldwin5919]

Doing something that makes your soul happy without destroying the earth... is key to all happiness 😊

[@fc4660]

The lady was already clear, I don’t know why the question was repeated, it seemed to compound what she just spoke of. She is a strong lady inside I can tell that

[@sophiatcao]

What a wonderfully self-aware woman. 🙏🏼

[@jonmitchell2874]

Thank you Plum Village and to the departed Thich Nhat Hanh for sharing this video and all the others, and thank you for what I believe to be truly insightful and wise teachings within them. I am finding them most useful at this time.

[@AR-sv6cw]

God bless you. Thank you for your wisdom. Love ♥🙏

[@abhishes]

This is something which has plagued me for years and years. You won't believe the amount of time I spend "imagining" the approval of others (movie stars, politicians, sport stars, singers :)

[@LizinLouie]

The wisdom of Thay lives on.

[@moinusong1]

Am I blessed ❤ yes yes….. I have found Thay in my life..❤️🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

[@thuytienpham8659]

Thank you so much our Teacher for the very deep teaching of you and the question from the girl.

[@georginasanders7396]

Thai has taught me mindfulness 🧘‍♀️ and soul nourishment🙏. He lives in my❤️everyday 🕊

[@heidiferlmann6442]

So beautiful how Thay this explained, she will be solid like a mountain. This Meditation is very usefully for you all who needs love and to have confidence in themselves! Thank you so much!💗🌳⚘

[@yashumehta4868]

To share requires courage Looking inside self makes affirming decision Beautifully crafted

[@AtortAerials]

This stuff is SO much easier said than done when facing it in reality. I just recently got my hand tattooed and feel like although I wanted to do this for years people judge me differently and maybe it’s in my head but not sure. My anxiety doesn’t help anything either. I was a good looking kid then u age and hair thins and things start fading and it’s hard to embrace it all. People do judge you by looks in this society.

[@happymystic]

Right. The theory is easy. But when you face it in reality, it's where the test begins.

[@larryprimeau7738]

If I remember correctly when I did TM I would feel the support of life and love of other people...or that's how I felt. I would feel that way for hours or even days after a good meditation. I stopped feeling I was deprived of anything..even sex. and I cut way back on smoking ciggarettes without trying to. It was probably a subjective experience but even traffic at rush hour seemed to go better.

[@aryaghorinta4377]

i would love to hear your next story about practicing meditation Thanks for sharing!

[@from-Texas]

We as spiritual practitioners are not door mats for the world. The young lady asking the question no doubt has learned to deliver the acceptable response to others and appear to have qualities that others see as valuble. However, this question is a concern for someone who has not gained enough insight to see how unimportant this concern is. Who is that who is concerned? Who is that who asks that question? Who? Following this inquiry ceaselessly will definitely give the answer to her question and the answer to many many more questions. Namaste

[@gretchendemarah5105]

I love the way you relate to bigger picture ,and tell the story of your experience !Thank you🙏🏻

[@elusion23one41]

Beautiful. You are a flower in the garden of humanity.

[@billyoumans1784]

He is one of the very greatest.

[@carmenerickson9050]

Thank you for your wisdom. May you be blessed! ❤️🙏🏼

[@trihandayani6461]

We love you..Thay.

[@candyflair7946]

😊👍 Oh my goodness. Being at peace with ourselve could never be political. Fear must not override sensibilities. Peace with ourselves can go anywhere. Work, play, study etc. Peace is it own special freedom. Peace.

[@amandahopkins3842]

Beautiful, healing teaching

[@caramason56]

Inspiring and beautiful ❤️🌹🙏Thank you

[@gaeangardensbyizabela]

Thank you, it is because we know the trurh deep in our hearts. If we stray from the path, we know it too and then we're looking for affirmation that it's all ok, even though we know it is not. To face ourselves in that way requires courage and honesty

[@007bluesky007]

What a beautiful advice by Guru TNH. In the war between Russia abd Ukraine when India takes a neutral stance in the path of compassion, similar to the stance of his community Guru TNH pointed out, India is seen stupid. However, this path is the true path fir the sake of humanity. Each flower (life) is unique and has value in the garden of humanity.

[@AshleyLimFangRu]

Path of compassion.. good phrase

[@marijadjordjevic8920]

We are all valuable just we all have different values.We need to believe in our values and nurish them and then we won't be disturbed by other people's values

[@patriciamoesiufung1585]

IT IS A KIND OF MENTAL JUDGMENT WHEN WE ARE JUDGED NOT AS SO VALUABLE AS WE THINK WE ARE SO IT" A HARD SOMETIMES BUT AFTER.LISTENING THIS EXPLANATION SO IT IS WIDENING MY HORIZON OF UNDERSTANDING..THANKS A.LOT .

[@conar_campbell]

I thought the girls ability to identify the problem was more impressive than the answer. I took more from the question than i did the answer

[@김영석-l5b]

Thank you for your adorable words

[@allthingsfrench1391]

Merci beaucoup pour cette message. Très utile...très beau. Tu es une fleur dans le jardin de l'humanité dans le royaume de Dieu.

[@dechenpiya5071]

I love you Thay!

[@ThuyPham-wq3df]

Con xin được cảm tạ chia sẻ của Thầy ạ.

[@millier.206]

❤️ take the path of humanity. Love it❤️

[@jassmatass]

[@hienly8956]

Thank you Thay, thank you friend for sharing!

[@Jaikay1]

Gees, that kid's self reflection is excellent.

[@djesun1]

AM i the only one who sees a head on a table.

[@lolabuck6453]

You made me laugh 😘

[@Karrdeh]

No, you're not the only one 😂😂

[@lauralunaazul]

Is a man! 😊😂😂😂

[@lashawngrines7794]

😂😂😂

[@Nature-Body-and-Soul]

Åh, now it was there...hahaaaaa 🙀☺

[@christiangasior4244]

I love this man so much 😊.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

Me too!

[@Thays_slow_bar]

I would love to hear him speak more about the Vietnam war. His is a very very important story.

[@johndouglas708]

To live with god is to live with pure affirmation.😊

[@peacelovejoy8786]

Walk softly on this earth, in the light of God's name ✨ "We don't live on the earth, we are passing through it" ~ Rumi Keep choosing peace 🌻