Quiet BPD, The Scapegoated Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder is part of the Cluster B Group of personalities, characterised by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking and behaviours. Key characteristics of BPD include emotional dysregulation and a fear of abandonment.
In this video Darren Magee talks with mental health advocate Bryan Ingram about his experiences living with Quiet Borderline, a subtype of BPD where many of the symptoms and characteristics are internalised which can lead to constant rumination, self doubt and difficulties asserting boundaries. Bryan speaks candidly about his experiences growing up, his relationship with himself as well as others, and how he feels it is the 'scapegoat' disorder, for not only being held accountable for how others feel, but also being criticised and rejected when feeling hurt.
Bryan can be followed on Twitter, KZbin and TikTok
TikTok: / bpdbryan
Instagram: bpdbryan?h...
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos in the comment section.
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#bpd #quietborderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Chronic invalidation is being objectified to the point that eventually, you invalidate yourself. It is mental torture and should be widely known and understood as such.

[@ranc1977]

Yep. Self worth being totally destroyed due to ACoA/dysfunctional ambient of relentless criticism 24/7 while growing up and then this happens: These are all interchangeable: RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting

[@janebethshimon]

Wow, I never heard put in just a few words what happened to me. I knew it was akin to torture, the level of psychological abuse.

[@ranc1977]

​@@janebethshimon Things which CBT and DSM are hiding away from us: Someone who's been mentally abused will: - constantly apologize - feeling not enough - hide feelings - hypersensitive to criticism - breakdown during small disagreements - need a lot of assurance - struggle to put guard down Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes which they have no control. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Codependents in general and Adult children of Alcoholics tend to expect others to make them happy. When I don't get validation, my victim mentality will kick in - because that's what Mum did. She would complain if not validated. Negative thinking is learned behavior 🟥Lisa Romano 10 Common Struggles for Adult Children of Alcoholics 1. Being rigid and inflexible 2. Difficulty trusting or being closed off 3. Shame and loneliness 4. Self-criticism 5. Perfectionism 6. People pleasing 7. Being highly sensitive or reactive 8. Being overly responsible... Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory. 🟥Doc Snipes Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics - struggles with maintaining interpersonal relationships - struggles with codependency - impulsive or dangerous behaviors - anxiety and hypervigilance - fear of abandonment - conflict avoidance/fear of conflict - constantly seeking approval - struggles with authority figures - poor communication - struggles with emotional regulation - poor self-esteem and self-image, or constantly feeling "different"

[@domif.b.7657]

Not having a safe place, I think that is the worst part of coming from a toxic family who appointed you as the scapegoat. I can relate to this so much. What makes me so angry is that the scapegoated subject also goes through the ordeal of finding support, which is all but easy, and receives a diagnose (for the ways he/she learnt to cope with constant abuse). Has one of the toxic family members or other bullies ever done that? Probably not. If the scapegoat has a diagnose, then "we're all ok, the problem lies with him/her"... Thanks for the Video.

[@sarahcouture24]

Oh yes, the “identified patient”

[@kata3492]

Love this comment. It never fails to amaze me that the scapegoat or the abused who go get help then get labeled with *xyz as the abusers get off with everyone thinking they are saints. But I/we see them for who they are and that's the power we can take back for ourselves.

[@leahflower9924]

The beauty of being scapegoated is you can cry about something that everyone else would cry about and if you cry people say oh poor you are you a victim

[@thelovely961]

This and then when the external world is cruel to you too, you think you are the problem. Learning self love slowly has been helping and has been a game changer but it's hard when for many years you don't know how to love yourself.

[@nathaliedufour3891]

Toxic family, narc mother, codep father, golden child brother, I was always the scapegoat and I'm codependant. Recovering . Thank you so much well done 👏you're a survivor ❤

[@jamesgalvin1004]

Thank you ... this is my exact family dynamic too exactly the same dynamic narc mother codep father golden child brother

[@1RPJacob]

8:16 because the moment people hear that "a mother" could be the abuser, nobody wants to touch the topic. Since I started saying " my step-mother", somehow people try to understand, they can imagine that a step-mother could be the abuser. Mother is taboo.

[@Bpdbryan]

really recommend Jeannette McCurdys’ book “I’m glad my mom died”. I think it’s a great way forward in regards to calling out victim blaming etc when it comes to families!

[@beth1979]

@@Bpdbryan looks like a great book, thanks for the recommendation.

[@CristinaAcosta]

Interesting way to communicate your experience

[@leahflower9924]

I don't know what you're talking about everyone I know understands moms can be cruel and often moms are more vilified than the dad even if the dad isn't around

[@sarahcouture24]

I also cringe at my own fawn responses…. I also am mortified by my fight responses 😥

[@sarahcouture24]

I have bpd and I can soooo relate to how you doubt yourself regarding your emotional reactions to other peoples hurtful behavior. I know I am sensitive, but much of the time I think the other person really is being a dick. But yeah, I never know whether or not my feelings or reactions are “appropriate” or if they are exaggerated due to my borderline personality. It’s very confusing 🤔

[@thelovely961]

This!!!! It's one of the hardest things I deal with because when I was a kid and was being mistreated one of my parents would always question my behaviour.

[@ranc1977]

" I never know whether or not my feelings or reactions are “appropriate” or if they are exaggerated due to my borderline personality" I would resolve this with this question: Are we harming and hurting other people? Impulsive narcissists abuse others without any filter. Quiet BPD don't, they implode instead. Are we serial killers? Are we anti-social? Meaning, do we want hidden covert agenda to harm and cause pain other people? Quiet BPD don't - so our feelings and reactions and beliefs are 100 percent appropriate. They will become inappropriate as soon as we behave as impulsive borderliners. Which we don't. So our trait of regulating external rage - needs to be validated and we need to put price tag on it, meaning we cut toxic people off and stop trying to explain them anything in life anymore. They won't understand it since they don't care about people at all. I see Quiet BPD as inability to love and accept and trust ourselves - that is where all our doubts stem from, all the toxic shame facets stem from - that we basically reject ourselves at deep unconscious subconscious deep deep level inside , deep deep down - we reject our core basic Self - and as domino effect - this comes up as emotional dysregulation and Rejection sensitivity on the surface. We never learned as children to accept and validate our Self. So now we doubt ourselves and we think we are wrong all the time. While we must fawn at other people who appear as strong and normal to us.

[@schmui]

​@@ranc1977"so our feelings and reactions and beliefs are 100 percent appropriate" Not only is this wrong, since even healthy, neurotypical reactions etc aren't always 100 percent appropriate, it also singnals group identity, which is an moronic anachronism.

[@ranc1977]

@@schmui "aren't always 100 percent appropriate," This is the center of all problems and issues and confusion: WHO defined what is appropriate? Who is the person? Where is the guidebook? Who tells what is okay and what is not okay? As I said in my comment - if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda or overt agenda to harm and cause pain and damage to others , if we are not anti-social - WHO the f* can tell you that you are wrong about anything? Where is the boundary? Where this discipline and orders and commands will stop? Shall we have the higher authority to tell us what is appropriate haircut like in Turkmenistan and North Korea? Shall we have Putins to tell us what we do with our genitalia and whom shall we hate? Do we need Witch burnings like in Mediaevel times? This is very dangerous area - when you put yourself in position to order people and command them what is appropriate - you are actually a psychopath. You desire power and control over masses and you have deep desire to manipulate them. That is mental illness.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Thank you, Bryan, for sharing yourself with others in this way. When you said there was no safe space in your toxic household that resonated very deeply within me. Your story can help a lot of people. Please don't buy into the narcissistic lies that no one cares what you say. Very sorry that you have experienced so much abuse and hoping you get to a place of complete healing. 🙏🏽 💞

[@sunseeker4775]

This is a very interesting subject of which I have 75 years experience. A group of people, most commonly a family, often subconsciously or consciously choose one vulnerable person to become the scapegoat on which to place all their own 'sins' as it were....to take the blame and be the disfunctional one over and over again and in biblical terms, the siblings then release the scapegoat out into the wilderness to be ignored, osracised for a time, to relieve them of the problem of dealing with the problem. But they are quickly resurrected when the next problem needs a scapegoat. This person is often the youngest as they are the most vulnerable and this can happen from the moment that person is born, as the birth into this group has upset the status quo and there is nothing that can be done about that - but punish them for being born. Then the abuse as it were, can go on all their lives, rendered into the next generation as the siblings tell their children of that dreadful aunt or uncle and the stories are often fictious but firmly believed. I have not been able to overcome this for 75 years but I did ask my mother before she died..."what is wrong with this family? Why do my sisters treat me the way they do and when did it start?" .... She thought deeply and replied ... "I don't know exactly why this happened to you, but I know when it began - when I brought you home from hospital and I put a net over the pram and they kept pulling it off and when I asked them why they did this, why they insisted on pulling the net off the baby they replied: 'so the flies can eat her!' So this kind of problem can go back a very long way and the 'baby' doesn't have to do anything at all to suffer this abuse all their life except to be born and upset the status quo.

[@CristinaAcosta]

So true

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Wow! You write so eloquently..your description is spot on...I'm so very sorry you experience/d such abhorrent behaviour.

[@soyunperderdor7246]

Wow this explains so much. When I was born my brother wanted me to be sent back. I'm currently studying about mimetic theory and the scapegoat.

[@edenking4952]

I love this. I was recently diagnosed with BPD within the last year-and I just burst out crying. The stigma, at least in America, against BPD is awful (crime shows focus on it as a primary factor in ‘crazy’ behavior, people that break up will bring it up as the number one reason they broke up, etc)-and I just kept thinking to myself “well, I’m not like THAT”. It took quite a while to de-stigmatize BPD even to myself! Through DBT and CBT therapy combined and really focusing on finding my own identity, my own self-value, and especially emotional regulation, I’ve come so far. I think I would have turned into a very malignant person once I moved past the self-harm, rumination and implosion phase of my BPD. Shout out to the Secular Therapy Project for connecting me to the best and most effective therapist I’ve had. People have really noticed the difference effective therapy can make and even people who had stigma against BPD or therapy have really come around to support my journey.

[@flordepelotudo]

I’m glad to hear the positive news. Congrats! Is your therapy online? I’m looking for a qualified BPD therapist, currently. I would appreciate a referral!

[@sarahcouture24]

Sounds like you have been deeply surrounded by narcissistic people since birth who judge the shit outta you unfairly and are incredibly cruel 😢 I’m sorry hun 💜

[@Bpdbryan]

I think where I grew up (small town) a lot of people are unfortunately in generational cycles 😢

[@sarahcouture24]

@@Bpdbryan same here big time.

[@ranc1977]

Or living in Shame Culture country. Google the map of shame culture countries. Imagine living in a country where shaming is norm and validated and regarded as trophy to hurt other people and to be intrusive.

[@mzliberty7647]

nicely done Darren ... i liked the way you went back to acknowledge Bryan's social media award and personal growth and progress., it is plainly obvious that you are listening intently and genuinely care. .... and that is awesum .. ! no safe place ... even living on my own, in a secret location [isolated] with my big brave dog, camera security and lovely neighbors .... [sometimes, more often than i should] i dont feel safe, or feel like i need to stay home to be safe or not go out for very long bcuz my safe place might be ... broken into and i will be robbed.. or .. my animals might get deliberately hurt from someone ... i dont really do social media either bcuz perps have used it to track me down or dehumanize me. [its hard to explain] for many years i had to move around a lot as my childhood bully [my 1st cousin] would provide my former husband [perpetrator of domestic and sexual violence against my children and myself] with our home address and ph contacts, etc. forever justifying their horrid actions by blaming me. [for some reason] its so hard to keep trying to move forward, its daunting, its lonely, its frustrating ... and this my friend is just the tip of the iceberg Peace be the Journey .... x.

[@gracemawulikatakiti2300]

All hope is not lost dear. All you have to do is to call Jesus. He will save and help you because He loved you so much that He died for you and resurrected on the third day just save you from sin, death and eternal damnation. For the Bible says, the devil came to steal, kill and to destroy but Jesus Christ has come to give us abundant life. All these are the works of the enemy but Jesus is there to save so there is an immense Hope for you. All you need is to believe then you will behold the manifestation of the glory of God. The bible says again that 'whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved'. That's just it. Just believe. Shout the name Jesus and cry unto Him and He will save you. If you are already a believer know that God will never forsake you. The word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God. Have faith dear and He will heal you. Pray and read the bible. Cos if we being wicked give good things to our children, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those that ask Him. By the Stripes of our Lord Jesus Christ we are Healed. I pray that God will deliver you in Jesus name. Amen

[@rishaa682]

Thats so true ( i dont have bpd but) sometimes i befriend people who remind me of past bullies bc its like im trying to reclaim my selfworth from the past

[@357Dejavu]

The comments on social media are spot on!

[@TheWealthPrince]

This was an excellent vid, thanks for sharing!

[@clarecadman5330]

Gosh part of what Bryan is saying is like living in my own world. Differently scapegoated 😢

[@Bpdbryan]

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar 😢

[@clarecadman5330]

@@Bpdbryan many thanks for the reply means a great deal. I’m getting stronger day by day, finding ways to overcome my difficulties and not become a Victim, which is so easy to become x

[@le_th_]

There are so many challenges in the gay community, due to the high prevalence of promiscuity that is normalized, the extreme focus on aesthetic appearance, and then you add to that a man with BPD??? My goodness, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. So many gay men are so high in narcissistic traits, and equally, as lacking in empathy for others, which makes for a very unhealthy environment. Having largely worked in careers that were heavily populated by gay males, and having had gay male friends and roommates in my early 20s, I can't imagine how men with BPD can maintain any sense of emotional stability in that community. Mind you, my uncle has been with the same man longer than I've been alive (50+ years), but I'm not sure how "monogamous" their relationship has been/is. I've found their relationship to be committed, but I can't say how "healthy" it is.

[@worldsyoursent.1635]

Your collaborations are awesome 🙌🙌🙌. Blessings 🙏🙏🙏💚

[@TC-gx3qn]

This was so interesting and fascinating to hear from Bryan's perspective, Darren! Thank you for having him and another great video. 💕

[@andreadonegan4780]

Bryan well done for being vulnerable and discussing this.

[@justChristine]

I love listening to this young man. I really like how he says ' taking Care of himself' , so true. What a pleasant person and so caring of others. Thank you for your contribution to mental health.

[@Bpdbryan]

Thank you it’s really kind of you to say! 😊

[@nancybartley4610]

@@Bpdbryan You really helped me, Bryan. Thank you. I lost my dad at 16. There was no help dealing with it from my mom. So I relate.

[@nancybartley4610]

Thank you for doing a real session. It really helps in so many ways.

[@cheakingitout1423]

Every time I watch one of these kinds of videos I’m screaming on the inside on the other end because this is SO VALIDATING! I just want to jump into the conversation like YES ME TOO!! I’m so happy that this video exists for people BPD, it’s so important to hear you are not alone.

[@dragunwerks5246]

I remember a night when I was 16 and my parents were arguing over me and I heard my father say: "Every family has its fuck-up, and [Dragunwerks] is ours." Its almost 30 years later and I have a gret relationship with my father [I'm in remission], but thinking about that keys me up instantly.

[@Kreepie11]

Relating~ My stepdad was a narcissist (and an asshole) who liked to say things like "the house isn't clean because your mother is too busy hand-holding you!" (she was in an abusive relationship with him and was therefore depressed). I can also clearly remember my mother saying (while I was crying) "What do you have to be stressed about?! You're in high school!". So yeah, invalidated scapegoat. Been researching QBPD a bunch, but haven't had it put to me quite like this. Wonderful.

[@rishaa682]

I suspect my dad had quiet Bpd ( but not autism). He was a victim a lot of the times ( to my mom’s narcissistic abuse) but he was also incredibly controlling and toxic many times ( i was terrified of him) and would often reinforce my mother’s child abuse

[@rishaa682]

He did it mostly behind closed doors and had no trouble holding on to a job. His rages terrified me

[@mzliberty7647]

@@rishaa682 ... i hear you ... x

[@le_th_]

@@rishaa682 I'm so sorry for what you went through. My older brother experienced the wrath of our mother and she was (somehow?) able to rope our father in and get him to join in on the beatings. I wouldn't wish those kinds of parents on anyone. I hope you're healing and moving forward.

[@elam3654]

(straight guy) I have not had an ex not try to get back to me while in a relationship with another guy. One did it while engaged. Another did it while married. Ive actually become a little machiavellian about gfs and the exes they keep around: If its so important that they stay in the picture, then I want a one-on-one interview. Why? "So... why didn't you two work out?" A lot of partners (male, female, straight, gay, etc.) *bank* on the idea that their current mate will be averse to meeting the ex. If you flip the dynamic on them, they'll panic, because that person is now a source of info. If their stories don't line up, then your mate is either full of it, or they should ditch the ex.

[@marichuithen6951]

God bless you both🙏

[@VampiraVonGhoulscout]

It's so difficult to recover when the world around you is constantly telling you how all "borderlines" are evil monsters, and no matter how much work you've done on yourself in therapy, it just gets completely zapped away when you hear that because it's like, well I supposed I'm always gonna be bad inside no matter what I do. Like, you may as well just hand me a noose, mate, with that attitude.

[@hextorcampis6113]

Well no, you’re supposed to focus on you. Only on yourself. If you are doing everything you can possibly do to change for the better and are making constant improvements and going to therapy consistently. Then the things people say about borderlines dose not apply to you. It applies to the ones who don’t care and do not make the effort to put in all the hard work and make changes. Not to the ones that go against the current and work hard to be different

[@VampiraVonGhoulscout]

​@@hextorcampis6113 I've decided to go back to therapy recently actually. I've done DBT twice and I've been on and off different meds for years. My symptoms aren't as bad anymore, they're just like bad anxiety and depression with abandonment issues thrown in. But I need the hardcore narcissistic abuse psychotherapy shit now because that's what's causing a lot of my problems. DBT only really helps with learning communication skills, getting through day to day stuff and calming yourself in a crisis, but not so much with the root cause of everything.

[@Dabonbonsings]

Omg that’s my life.

[@ojet013]

It's so hard being at war with your own emotions and logic, draining and exhausting. I've only recently have had quiet bpd brought up in therapy. It horrified me to have someone see everything I try so hard to hide all the time, then came my internal battles with the possible diagnosis. Fear just dictates so much of my life 😢 everytime ive stood up for myself, it gets turned around pn me and i end up apologing for my feelings to the pount where i just dont speak up

[@mishaireland2944]

BPD is often misdiagnosed when it'd actually Autism, especially in females

[@Lyrielonwind]

Or C-PTDS.

[@everydaybodybuilding2282]

it's not abuse when you can't communicate your feelings. People are offending you and they are unaware. That is not abuse.

[@RainFall2112]

Sometimes you listen to someone tell their side of the story and you agree with the other people.

[@user-hl1ct3yh1r]

Why do I feel ‘alive’ when recognized by someone I like/love?

[@CanadianBear47]

Openly saying things and then being blamed for it. Wee same. Tfw I am in a growth mode my growth , compassion, and email r armor

[@gaebren9021]

What other people think of me is none of my business... unless I'm Jewish living in 1930s Nazy Germany. Then what other people think of me is going to be really important.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Pretty much. Or a black person living in America in the 50s, 60s, etc.

[@sarahcouture24]

I wonder what personality disorder your partner has….

[@Bpdbryan]

I’m assuming you mean my ex partner? can only speculate, but he did show quite a few narcissistic traits.

[@user-td2yr9tx9p]

That's why you shouldn't put labels on people......give them a chance...

[@CanadianBear47]

If u are interested in information check out dr fox he has positive and good info

[@CanadianBear47]

Yes

[@CanadianBear47]

Abuse?

[@CanadianBear47]

I care for the nobody cares ok whatever. Not like u get a vote in my thoughts

[@CanadianBear47]

Do u have a link to his youtube?

[@sianrudd9167]

Peasant

[@CanadianBear47]

@@sianrudd9167 ok

[@CanadianBear47]

Fake crying thing been there u r not alone

[@CanadianBear47]

Tfw 28 still happens this year it shapes us.

[@proactivex]

Perpetual state of victim hood. Blaming everyone in the family. Blaming therapists for not doing their job right. Blaming the ex(es). Blaming the gay community for calling him toxic. Blaming everyone lack of validation. BPD in a nutshell.

[@janebethshimon]

I guess you haven't experienced psycho-social-emotional abuse much.

[@ELSENIORBACON]

Easy to say when you haven't been beat by your sociopathic father, then the babysitter, then molested as a young child. Your subconscious develops bpd as a defence against any person that could hurt you. But I'm sure you're the expert on the subject sitting on your high horse critiquing people actually working on being better people unlike some...

[@kata3492]

For the people who get help for their issues, please know how strong you are in doing so. People may try to shame or make fun of you but I'd venture to guess those people do not/will not work on themselves so it is easier for them to sit in their armchair talking about someone else's issues than address their own and work on them. The biggest problem with society in this regard is that the ones who get help are seen as broken or defective (an unfortunate fact) when in reality their the brave ones who notice something off and work on it. The "unidentified patient" usually gets off scot free while looking like saints. No. They aren't. They just haven't been caught in their malicious ways. Whoever reads this, know that you're not alone, broken, or defective. If you're reading this you have a desire to improve and I greatly commend you for that. We need more people willing to do so because what is broken is society and not the ones reacting to abuse in its many forms which have been unbelievably normalized. I hope whoever finds this post knows this to their core and if not, this is your sign that you're aware and hopefully willing to deal with your traumas at YOUR OWN PACE. With love and hope, A scapegoat that escaped🩶

[@sarahcouture24]

I’m sorry your family is dysfunctional and mean to you, sorry you were bullied and end up in painful relationships… I can so relate… my dad was essentially my bully growing up, and I’m currently in a repetition compulsion dynamic with my current ASPD partner 🫤

[@Bpdbryan]

Thank you.. I’m sorry your dad was a bully! totally get being in that repetition cycle, just know that you’re deserving of a healthy relationship just like anyone else 💙

[@sarahcouture24]

@@Bpdbryan thank you I needed to hear that. as I’m being ignored by my “partner” right now, feeling unimportant and like I don’t matter as I type this…Thanks for the reminder 💜