Radical Acceptance: Let GO Of What You CAN'T CONTROL (DBT)

One of the hardest things to accept in life is that we can't control everything. Learn more about how to do that using the process of Radical Acceptance, one of the primary DBT skills, which is about identifying, grieving and letting go of that which is out of your control and not your responsibility.
★ Join the next round of my Radical Acceptance program, Liberated Living: adversityrising.com/liberated.... Hurry spots, are limited!!!
Dive deeper:
★ Cognitive Defusion: • Cognitive Defusion: Le...
★ Are you an avoidant or approach-based goal setter?: • Avoidant vs Approach G...
★ Reacting vs. Responding: • Stop Reacting & Start ...
★ One of our favorite kid's books, Stillwater, is a book centered on Zen Buddism that talks about the idea of control and mindfulness. There is a specific story shared in here that talks about the idea of letting go what is not serving us that I refer back to a lot: amzn.to/3g8TK6G
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[@benl5642]

You are brilliant. Thank you! This is now one of my fav vids and I will rewatch this multiple times to let it sink in. It's a shame this video does not have 50m views because you/it deserve that. Or is that just my desire to control?

[@adversityrising]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad it resonated with you!

[@amazinggrace4924]

“We are not the central character in everyone else’s story.” fabulous insight! And what freedom realizing this brings.

[@adversityrising]

I have been reminding myself of this a lot lately in my own life. Shame does such a great job of making us believe we are the problem in everyone's story and that we hold so much power, weight, presence and pressure for their own lives and outcomes. Accepting (and re-accepting) this is so important for our own healing.

[@sandrawright8109]

I need to stop making someone my main character.....not easy

[@boldish]

I'm barely halfway through the video but I feel your words piercing through me. I'm in my mid twenties and 10 months ago I felt a shift in my soul when I left an abusive work environment. I've been asking myself many questions and reflecting on the reasons why I've struggled to accept many situations in my life. I've struggled to accept growing up without a father. Struggled to accept my mother's absence nearly my entire pre-adult life. Not accepting my abandonment issues and the consequences that has had in my choices of relationships. I've clung onto relationships and friendships because I resisted accepting that the people involved didn't 'prioritize me' as I expected them to. Struggling to accept that I was rejected from a career I worked so hard for and made many sacrifices for. That I faced workplace harassment due to my gender and biases that I can't control. Falling into deep depression, suicidal thoughts and loss of meaning from feeling helpless. Now I seek to find acceptance and healing. Thank you ❤

[@adversityrising]

What a powerful reflection! It is so hard to navigate all of those dynamics and the underplay of shame, loneliness and insecure attachment styles that come from all of those early dynamics in life. It sounds like a lot of the pain is tied into this belief at least part of your brain has that you are allowed or moreover, deserve to be treated like garbage even though there is a piece of you that can see you deserve better. It's an acceptance or a tolerance of what you assume is the best to hope for. And that is hard to break. We can tolerate being treated so poorly and even feel that sense of righteous anger but somehow get stuck there. It sounds like you are doing the work to get started in all of this. Remind yourself, change takes time. You are not broken and you will walk through this. You just have to take it 1% at a time. You might find some of the episodes on my podcast, Untethering Shame, helpful including the episode that is set to be released tomorrow on shame & healing our inner child. You can check out the podcast here: open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42?si=bc67ae6d8dca4d65

[@yasminh]

"life felt hard in that moment" that was oddly liberating to hear, thank you :)

[@adversityrising]

you are beyond welcome. Sometimes those little pieces become so important and stick with us!

[@paulaarchuleta8684]

Thinking positive has it merits, but things happen that are out of our control. We can try to control 8 hours sleep, eating nutrition foods, exercise and meditate. STRESS is a killer! Forgiveness along with gratefulness is the way to go!

[@sunspotcarrottop]

I will stretch my fingers out to relax into acceptance whenever I feel anxious and frustrated about someone misunderstanding me!

[@adversityrising]

I LOVE that! I do that in meetings a lot and never really connected that this is a way I am moving through that feeling or perhaps expanding my body to take up space and relieve tension.

[@MyLifeAsBrandon]

“We are not the central character in everyone else’s story.” I can’t explain how hard that hit me and sent me into tears. Radical acceptance is something I have STRUGGLED with do so long now being bipolar. I want to scream and shout at times but how does that help me when there are situations out of my control. My boyfriend broke up with me and has no contact. How do I control that? How do I sit there and truly understand the fact he may never come back? I hold onto hope on every single situation because I wish I could control every situation to work out for the better. 😢 God I need a DBT therapist because this whole video just… tore me apart. 💔

[@adversityrising]

It sounds like this was a heavy experience for you to sit and really reflect with this video. AND it sounds like that reflection was really powerful for you to begin to think about next steps in terms of your work. It is never easy to realize how much of our suffering, wants and even success is out of our control especially when we haven't had the opportunity to really root within ourselves in a meaningful way. It says so much you are allowing yourself to reflect on this and begin to see where those lines of healing and internal boundaries need space to be processed and to develop. Keep taking in the information in bite sized chunk and allow yourself to sit in and reflect on what is coming up for you in each moment. And then find someone you trust to help take you from this state of awareness and reflection to healing.

[@alizaghimire743]

My family is going through a really difficult and stressful situation right now. It has affected me a lot and my dad. Seeing my father in that situation makes my heart sad. I never thought I would be dealing with this situation in my life, first few months were hell with panic attacks and insomnia but gradually I learnt radical acceptance without knowing it was a thing. I would literally say to myself, " it is what it is", "I don't have control over what's gonna come so better live in the now". This has shifted me from a problem focused mindset to a solution focused mindset. I indeed cry and get anxious often but it's just much relaxed and healthy i guess. Thank you for this beautiful video I'm much aware of it .

[@adversityrising]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you are approaching it from the best headspace possible and trying to really anchor on what you can control which is you and how you show up, react, connect in the present. It's incredibly challenging and yet, really allows us to engage on a much deeper level. The key is to also keep making space to feel and move through painful emotions as they come up as they won't go anywhere until we move through them. I am glad this video has been a support for you.

[@richardwilsonavena]

Its amazing how much my mind has been wanting to control everything in my life. It has robbed me of pursuits, lovers, and experiences that would have made me so happy. I started meditating about 3 months ago and the rigidity is starting to dissipate. The acceptance is still very difficult for me but hopefully it will be easier as time goes on,

[@adversityrising]

Coming to this place of knowing and reflecting can be so painful. I sincerely hope you have given yourself grace and space in this to know that you did the best you could with the skills and information you had to try and show up and protect yourself in the world you lived in. I wish you continued reflection and kindness to yourself as you continue to unravel the pain of shame and control.

[@richardwilsonavena]

Thanks! @@adversityrising

[@huubdrums]

Thank you Kyira! Great video 😊

[@mattwhitfield77]

I found your video randomly - currently seeing a therapist as a result of several traumas that have manifested in anger and fear. I didn’t necessarily understand what “radical acceptance” meant, but your video is makes it so clear. You speak in a language that I very much understand. Great video. Thank you!

[@adversityrising]

I'm so glad this showed up for you as it sounds like a really powerful resource to help you in this phase of work. Radical acceptance is such a powerful aspect of the healing AND remind yourself it is one part and it is okay if not everything feels easy to let go of right away. Grief takes time and validation. Once you have spend the time feeling and healing from your pain you can then work to integrate and/or release what no longer serves you and is out of your control.

[@cerbaugh]

Fellow DBT therapist here...this is an excellent and comprehensive breakdown. RA for life! Way to go!

[@adversityrising]

I am glad this resonated with you! I feel like RA is one of the most important skills and concepts for healing regardless of modality or pain story. It is truly a skill of empowerment and recentering your narrative.

[@Funky4Stringz]

Hi Kyira, this is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much.

[@adversityrising]

I am so glad you found it and it is supporting you in your own shame resilience journey. You are absolutely welcome!

[@lloydcicetti6217]

I told my therapist about the book by Tara Brach entitled "Radical Acceptance" when he handed me a list of 10 ways to radically accept. I have a hard time with control and letting go. This presentation helped my really understand what RA is all about. I don't normally subscribe to KZbin channels but I had to on this one. I look forward to the one on Cognitive Diffusion. 5 stars

[@adversityrising]

Thank you for your kind words Lloyd. I am so grateful this resonated with you. I struggle so much with the idea of letting go AND one of the things I am working on is the things I am letting go of are less about losing something or not having rooting or control as i could never control those things anyways. Instead it is about freeing up space to take hold of things I can actually control. Excited to hear what you think about other vides!

[@dianadelgado4123]

I just came across your channel through this video, and as many people say, it couldn’t have shown up at a better moment. Anxiety running like mad and tons of difficult and life changing decisions to be made. After listening for the first time, I found myself breathing again, and now I will review it, make some notes and have them handy “in case of fire”. Kyira, you have a very soothing voice, and together with your message, you have made a difference to me today. Thank you for that 🌷

[@adversityrising]

I am excited to have connected with you through this space and that this video and my channel feel like a safe and supportive place for you. It can feel like the world is coming out from under you when your head is spinning with so much going on and when change is in the forefront of our lives. Remind yourself to breathe. Anchor in the moment when you can. Try using the 54321 technique to help support you when you feel lost or overwhelmed. And I look forward to continuing to be a support for you. kzbin.info/www/bejne/fnrOo2SsmbKBaJo&t

[@dianadelgado4123]

@@adversityrising Thank you so much Kyira 🌷

[@lifeawakeningwithdr.l.n.mishra]

Thank you for this wonderful topic which is related to deep realisation keeping in mind that life needs expansion.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Kiera.

[@mezmrzr5977]

Possibly the best DBT video I’ve ever seen. I am very glad that I have come across your content, this is my Saving Grace. I knew I had all the other tools in me as well as the curiosity, and I’ve come to realize that this was the final push that I’ve needed to go through my own sufferings. Thank you so much!

[@adversityrising]

I am so glad this is connecting with you at the right time to support you in this part of your healing. This is such a powerful part of the process and one of the hardest to really work through! I teach a 3-part workshop series on the topic and I feel like this only really begins to scratch the surface.

[@kathydefilippo93]

I really needed your wisdom today ☺️

[@CompassPsychotherapy]

I am in awe of your presentation skills. Love your messages/videos.

[@adversityrising]

Thank you so much!

[@CovertHerbertserbert]

Wow you’re going to be a huge influencer. This video is EXCELLENT! I’m so interested in DBT. I’d love to know more. Thank you

[@adversityrising]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am glad this resonated with you and would love to hear how you see it start to shape the way you view the world as you put it into practice. So much about DBT is about learning to control what you can control and to let go of the rest. It is about learning to feel your feelings without being controlled by them or in a constant place of reactivity. It takes time and a lot of work on addressing deeply held shame stories and wounds from your past. You will get there and I am excited to be a support in your corner as you do the work!

[@mlcarey1000]

Excellent! Thank you!

[@andreapenrice7181]

This is so helpful about “control”

[@TVVENCH]

What a great channel! Really hope you get many many more subscribers and views!

[@adversityrising]

Thank you so much! That is incredibly kind of you. Glad you find them helpful!

[@slada69]

I am stuck thank you for amazing video

[@sele8235]

Great video!

[@normavaldivieso3312]

You are the best!! Oh how I would love for you to be my counselor I need help my husband and I need help. You are on point! I am beyond happy I found you on this channel 🙏🏻

[@lefteris1976]

Really really great. Thank you so much🙏

[@emocean582]

Excellent!

[@stvn0378]

thanks for sharing

[@ranjithkumarr5981]

1% change. I like that. I’m gonna write this on my whiteboard to calm the urge to control. Many thanks!

[@adversityrising]

You are so welcome - glad it resonated with you!

[@Kemikemik]

Thank you 🙏

[@barbaraoneill9289]

This is a fabulous video

[@ThokoBrown]

Thank you

[@marcelacox7931]

Thank you deeply. Currently Mom if teenagers. I will practice making space for my emotions and journal my triggers. Blessings 🙏

[@adversityrising]

It's so hard because they are going through so much during these times AND so are we. I think trying to find the ways to process and feel your own feelings will be key so that they don't impact you in how you show up for them (for you and them). AND, remind yourself, you are human. Sometimes your emotions are going to show up. Even if you can't control what's happening and the ideal is to release it, you still love your kids and its hard not to be triggered and have it be in the room during those hard moments.

[@pe9147]

This is like stoicism

[@bhatkat]

Yes, it sure is hopefully well informed by classic stocism. Which is what I recommend as a starting point, not contaminated by all the toxic positivism and commercial self help crap these days. Enter "The toxic world of self help" in that search box and be a better informed consumer. And a good example of acceptance is to drive like you are playing basketball. Do those players get angry when someone cuts them off? Frustration is the difference between expectations and reality so just adjust those expectations.

[@dennisdesouza4950]

Great video! Is this along the Michael Singer teachings?

[@adversityrising]

Thank you! I am not super familiar with him but from what I know if his work, he seems to talk a lot about this and the idea that we create a lot of our own suffering by holding on to things we cant control or don't serve us which is exactly in line with Radical Acceptance.

[@MikeHarper-kq6ce]

Making space for negative emotions

[@jimmy-jamesolivier-mccutch2126]

DBT skills save me daily like 50x per day 🙏❤

[@yasminh]

thank you :)

[@Highlander9740]

Acceptance can bring peace.

[@klanderkal]

I haven't accepted the foolish life changing mistake I made, by following coworkers that were retiring. They made it sound like it was the ultimate reward in life. My job was my life, I loved my job, and everybody. For decades it was connected to everything about me, and my activities. I tried, stressed, begged to get my position/job back, but company doesn't allow, once you retire. Im so devastated. Im unable to live. I went into deep depression, anxiety, insomnia, and im extremely insecure,.. always afraid and totally alone. Talked with psychologist, 988 counselor, Pastors, etc... no relief from this darkness. I don't like living anymore. Lost all interests all activities. Depression/anhedonia. Im desperately trying a way to survive this... I don't see a life I want to live anymore. Suggestions to move on, or be satisfied, or grateful... doesn't help, with depression. Only makes me feel worse.

[@joebond545]

You've let a job (modern day slavery) completely dictate your life, it sounds to me like ur going through extreme Stockholm syndrome with ur old job and ur withdrawal symptoms are bad, u can't live without ur captive, just know that that job never cared about you, u were just a number in the machine, if u died u wouldn't be remembered by them, start to realise what is actually important like family, friends, ur freedom, don't let it consume you or on your death bed when u realise how pointless all the stress was you will regret it

[@klanderkal]

@joebond545 Thank you for replying. You're right about how badly I miss my job,... it's devastated me. All my closest friends are city bus drivers, I had 20yrs. We had our own vw club, and other activities. I'm 62. I'm passionate about my job. I live on an island. We're like a huge happy family. I live on a island. I miss everything about my job, workplace and friends. I didn't realize how deeply passionate I was, and that my purpose and identity meant so much to me. Last year, my mother, elderly 101yr grandma, uncle, cousin died. My wife divorced me for another, a few years earlier. Also my 2 best friends , were killed. Shark attack, and moped accident. My job was everything to me, and I miss everything about it. I'm personally devastated. The Stress I had was so unbelievable, I was a wreck . The insomnia, the anxiety was terrifying. I collapsed having panic attacks. I feel into depression. I don't like my life anymore. I'm unable to enjoy my hobbies and activities, friends and neighbors anymore. I have alot of guilt and regret. Depression doesn't let you feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, fun, etc... it also steels away motivation, desire and hope. It a catch 22. No wonder people kill themselves from depression. It's inhuman and unbearable 💔 😢 Ugh 🥀😩

[@coachjimmy2548]

What if your loved ones have a problem and you so badly want to change their situation.am supposed to just sit back and watch them struggling.i feel like even if I'll be ok,I won't be

[@adversityrising]

That's one of the hardest things in the world - to see your loved ones hurting or stuck and not being able to get them out. We just want what's best. And, one of the hardest realities is that we can never be the hardest working person for someone else's life. They have to be. Sometimes they can't do what we want them to do. Sometimes they don't want to. Our job is to then decide if we can love them as they are and then set boundaries for how we show up to and around them and the relationship. I made a couple of videos about this awhile back because it is something I struggle with even still: - kzbin.info/www/bejne/iKasgaGmga1lq9E&t - kzbin.info/www/bejne/jGGUp3l_a5WpgNE

[@SoniaProteau-cj6tk]

I can only control my behaviour, nobody else's

[@adversityrising]

It is such a hard reality to accept and one of the most freeing ones when you are able to do so!

[@lyndseygolden7546]

❤

[@bluechandelier]

Is there a way to turn off the background music? I can’t focus with it looping in the back. 😢 HSP struggles.

[@adversityrising]

Unfortunately not. You can see in other videos I did soon after that we decided not to have music throughout which has helped a lot - hindsight, huh? I do have a podcast though and I recorded this same content there so you can here it just as audio if you'd like: open.spotify.com/episode/2vyAcek3ulUUxa6bdTBFV7?si=e35f542499bd415d

[@williams.1980]

👍

[@judyfletcher2595]

I am going to try to not complain about how busy my life is and poor me.

[@adversityrising]

It is so hard though isn't it!?! When I get stuck there I just ask myself to find something and someone I am grateful for. And if that doesn't work, then I set a date and time and I let myself have as big a pity party as I want until that time and then I have to let it go. Usually it's for the rest of the day but different times call for different responses ;)

[@jimmy-jamesolivier-mccutch2126]

🧠💚

[@michaelgarrow3239]

You don’t know what you can do unless you try.

[@adversityrising]

Absolutely!

[@michaelgarrow3239]

@@adversityrising - My psychologist was talking about acceptance. I’m not clear on understanding it.. I would rather suffer- and fight.

[@adversityrising]

I think the key is learning the difference between who and what you are fighting for and ultimately rooting yourself to WHY you are staying in it. For me, I had to learn to accept that I can't change other people. I can't make them be or do anything different than what they are going to do. But I also had to learn to "fight" in the sense of not losing myself to what other people thought I should be or the stories they put on me. The balance and root comes back to my WHY and being consistent about knowing what I can and can't control. I hope this helps!@@michaelgarrow3239

[@michaelgarrow3239]

@@adversityrising - Yea, 0% control of others and 100% control of you. I just underestimated treachery.

[@Buster-im5so]

He had a fast car; I want a ticket to ANYWHERE.

[@satriani19751]

trying to accept my post divorce state.and the possible reasons why my wife left me for being inadequate for her.. accepting my imperfect body and personality that is my inadequate penis size ( 5 inches), my social awkwardness, introverted personality type, artistic , idealist way of thinking. and ultimately the fact that we were not compatible. how do you accept all this?

[@joebond545]

First accept every single one of those flaws right now, and then choose the ones that u think u could potentially change in the future, such as body, or some bad personality traits, and then work towards changing them, maybe u succeed, maybe u fail, but at least u can say you tried and that's a way better outcome than being on ur death bed living with the regret of not trying but also all that pointless stress that just multiplied your problem. l'm also artistic thinking and socially awkward as well as introverted, with a average Penis but these are things we cannot change, this is simply who we are and there are a billion people who have a smaller one than us, and there are a billion who have a bigger one than us, all we can do is be the best versions of ourselves by changing what Is possible and accepting what is not

[@teamTERF]

False responsibility... classic OCD symptoms.

[@adversityrising]

And then getting stuck in a loop of rumination about everything going on

[@teamTERF]

@@adversityrising I can relate...worrying about things that have little to do with me. Maybe I should focus on my own problems.

[@JustinKua]

So this is just Stoicism

[@OwenAllen-ri7fu]

Next video is what happens when you trigger victims of child abuse with tech

[@usualsuspects42]

I am sorry but I cannot stand the background music. I could not listen all the way through. I wish this video was of just you speaking or if there has to be music for it to be much more subtle, no bouncing horns, something soothing, but, for my taste, no music at all. The message is enough, let it land without distraction, imo.

[@adversityrising]

Thanks for your feedback! You’ll see from other comments that I actually don’t like it as much either and with future videos decided to do away with it. It’s always fun to try something and sometimes it definitely doesn’t work the way you want :) I hope you find more recent videos easier to listen to! I also have a podcast called Untethering Shame and there’s an episode on Radical Acceptance there along with other key topics.

[@usualsuspects42]

@@adversityrising Thanks for your response, I appreciate that you do these videos.

[@Brian.001]

The vocal fry at the end of every sentence renders this impossible to listen to. Pity the transcript doesn't work.

[@adversityrising]

I'm sorry you're having issues listening to the video. If you click the "CC" button on the video, this will turn on closed captions. I just listened to the video with them on and they are pretty accurate overall so a great way to get the message if listening is not a viable option for you.

[@miserable.day1969]

Try RA, Homie.

[@rich.87]

Excellent video!

[@adversityrising]

Thank you!

[@_N0_0ne]

Thank you