Re-Parenting - Part 32 - Loving Someone with BPD

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Borderline Personality Disorder has become a label that carries a stigma. Tim asks people to get rid of that label and look at how a person would cope today in an intimate relationship if they were deeply hurt in a relationship as a child. How do we heal from deep relationship wounds? What are helpful tools for when those wounds are triggered today?
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[@bebaaskaful]

I was crying while listening youre explanation on BPD. So much compassion and understanding. As someone who has BPD I know that it is bad coping strategy from deep pain, fear of abondonment, rejection. Any behaviour that comes when we get triggered do high makes us feel toxic shame and that we dont deserve to live. It is not a manipulation as many say, it is so incredably paintfull that you dont have any other choice if you didnt get youre toolbox right before bad thing happens. So amyone out there with BPD we can heal, it is a hard road but it is wotrh. Noone deserves that kind of punishment for mistake. And we punish ourselves so much. Thank you Tim

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

You just reminded me of a rejection episode in my childhood on behalf of my father where I responded with keeping my breath in an attempt to die. I guess I didn't want to live. I guess this is what happens with repeated episodes of hurt and rejection that ultimately leads to BPD. I yet have to watch the full video - just wanted to put this here, though. Hope you're finding healing.

[@waterbabe242]

Yes it's not our fault it's our caregivers that had no right having children .

[@JT0007]

I pity those who look down on BPD. How sad of a human you must be to grow up in good circumstances and then look down on those born in such shitty circumstances that they developed BPD.

[@theRelentlessWarrior77]

Amen

[@LC_H]

😢❤Can't blame your parents or childhood conditions your whole life for your emotional issues. Many of us come from broken homes, we pray, we seek God for help, and we learn to heal. Becoming an adult means addressing our issues, not making excuses for them. Yes, our parents played a MAJOR part in our mental state, BUT once older, this can no longer be used as an excuse for lashing out, raging out, mistreating, playing psychological games, putting our pain on others, etc... NO child should have to grow up in mistreatment. But as we grow, we learn that how we were raised wasn't right, and we become better with how we treat others. You can't justify treating people wrong just because your parents treated you wrong. We must take accountability for our OWN actions.

[@V82956]

It’s heartbreaking to see how BPD destroys relationships you can do everything you can but until they admit they have a problem nothing changes

[@Lyrielonwind]

Narcissists are much worse and they like bpd people. They have so much fun.

[@motherbear327]

Sometimes they don't know they have a problem. Believe me when they get to the other end of years and years of trying to figure themselves out, they feel awful. They deeply love others but have a fear of vulnerability and abandonment. They feel they can start to be vulnerable and the loved one leaves. That's painful and rough. Hard to trust again.

[@angelamossucco2190]

Wow. I accepted the behavior of someone with non conventional bpd and cptsd. I had to walk away after years of trying to build a mutually safe relationship emotionally. He would not go to get help. He had been kind in many ways

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Thank u for providing much needed info and healing for those who can’t afford therapy.❤️

[@josephshumake5989]

Your comment highlights such an enormous issue in the field of psychology but also the broader, "healing" community. The commodification of such socially necessary relating is problematic and should be recognized as such. Fortunately there are ways to find healing in community without financial charge.

[@Lyrielonwind]

What is undermining is that the people who caused those deep wounds get the sympathy from the community, they still get praise 😢

[@smustipher]

Have dealt with someone like this and over the years learned to expect that they will be defensive over the most innocous things - a glance, a simple question where I am expressing curiousity or trying to be of assistance, and they feel criticized, attacked, or insulted and go into fight or flight. I just let them keep their world view and do not expect them to be able to trust or fully participate in healthy relating. I used to worry about it, but now I accept that's just their limitation.

[@sarahbolton2707]

My husband gets like this. Very intense accusation and suspicion of the tiniest thing. When he is being like this I feel pinned to the floor totally powerless because everything I try and say is misinterpreted. It leaves me a mashed up wreck. I wish I could be like you and not kettle it affect me so much, how do you do that??!!

[@sharaepp8255]

Thank you

[@itamar.j.rachailovich]

I have BPD. I am extremely successful in my studies (I excelled at every university I studied, by which I mean I was top at my class) of biology and neural sciences. However I always find myself get into troubles because of my temper and anger, I just can’t get along with people. People can see me as dangerous even though I never get into physical violence. In the end of the day despite being highly highly successful in my academic achievement and intelligent, I find myself out of the system and can’t fulfil my potential. It’s highly frustrating. Furthermore, I kinda of lonely, socially and romantically. The truth is that I have good heart, I never lie, never deceive, never cheat, always direct and straight forward, and I never hurt people other then rages curses and screams.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

have you tried DBT?

[@itamar.j.rachailovich]

@@alexandrugheorghe5610 No

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

​@@itamar.j.rachailovich give it a try

[@christinarichie6171]

Go to a homeopath a good one...change your diet as well. And try a martial arts programme since you're a man.. it should get easier especially as you get older.

[@bonneyraven5281]

I know someone like you, she is an intelligent, caring perso who can quickly become rage filled. She is often anxiety ridden and paranoid, sheis also OCD and a perfectionist . She's high functioning but too often she is triggered she is violent, angry and destructive. She refuses any therapy or medicine. I pray that you find help. Admitting you may have a problem is a good start.🙏💙God bless you.

[@jak9934]

Thank you for your compassionate stance. Yes old wounds fuel the current ones. Catching the gap between the trigger and the response is where the work is- namely in emotional regulation, plus learning to be vulnerable. That said there needs to be a vessel to receive that vulnerability. The traits or disorder are the person’s responsibility- if the awareness is there, however it can’t be overlooked that a relationship is a dynamic between two people. The person without bpd also contributes to the relationships dynamic. It is great that there are bpd self help and relationship resources out there to assist. Assuming the relationship is wanted (otherwise why stay in it?) hopefully effort can be made by both people to develop the personal skills and tools necessary for a healthy relationship alongside genuine interest in and love for each other.

[@teresapotts3476]

Soo well said.

[@aprilcumberbatch2958]

Self reflection is extremely important for anybody, but especially for anyone who has experienced trauma. If one can pause and observe, then respond and not react then impulsive actions decrease.

[@mapsdot9223]

I was married to a high functioning (read quiet bpd) individual for about 18 yrs. I don't recommend it. The worst aspects were the projection, the shame and the meaninglessness. She couldn't emotionally distinguish me from her mother. Any time I'd bring a simple request to her she'd turn it into how inadequate she was and it would never get resolved. Any conflict became a vortex of meaninglessness following what I later learned was the Karpman drama triangle (poor me, let me help you, its all your fault). Eventually I grew to resent her because there was no conflict resolution and therefore no real intimacy. Instead we had a trauma bond. The projection is like a form of munchausen by proxy, where they turn you into the sick parent who was unable to meet their needs and then tries to caretake to get their needs met. Its a hopeless situation. I don't recommend staying

[@christinarichie6171]

You picked her...You also played a part in the dynamic. You should have ended it within 3/5 years. She wasn't willing to do the work..that goes for anyone...

[@JaneMay2024]

You should have been healthy enough to not have married her so that you did not enable her illness

[@mapsdot9223]

@@JaneMay2024 the next time I'm in my 20s I'll be sure to evaluate the ACE's scores, ask for a self psychoanalytical Jungian archetypal explanation of the Animus and measure cortisol levels of all future intimate partners. I knew YT comments were good for something... Thanks for the advice!

[@selahbeloved7685]

Lol! Me too. I identify @mapsdot9223. You described my marriage. Lasted 17 years and it was very hard for me to identify what was going on. I felt a lot of shame for wanting to leave and I too was in my early 20s (23) when I married. Thank God for recovery and revelation from people like Tim.

[@DD-jm5ug]

My ex was a massive trigger for me. ( i am quiet BPD) He had no idea how to love as he projected his own insecurities onto me. I had the self awareness and brains to leave him. Of course it was me! But I'm now with a person that loves me the way I need. We work together and support eachother. He's wonderful and understanding. No blame. No shame. People with bpd require stable partners that are secure in themselves. ❤

[@MrBrunoUSA]

i have cptsd and bpd and gave up on love decades ago.

[@user-yb6vn9cx3i]

I'm 47 and about to do the same. I have done so much work. Dated different types and ended up with the same results. Cheating. Gaslighting. Then I become anither person. I fear that maybe love will always elude. I just started going ti therapy again. I can see my traits staring again

[@Lyrielonwind]

Narcissists have a tendency to "love " people with bpd or cptsd. Narcissists prey on whoever has empathy and a shame wound. I understand why most people diagnosed with bpd are women; we are raised to be "machines for suffering" and that's how Picasso painted women.

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Hope you don't give up on loving yourself

[@jleach3413]

Have y'all heard of Byron Katie? I think her concept helped me connect on a deeper level within myself and the reason I struggled to connect with others. They were a reflection of my subconscious beliefs that I hadn't been aware of and I was at my wits end with myself and ready to check out...to hearing her for just a few minutes on KZbin cracked me right open... I failed EMDR and most therapy bc ppl just weren't as trauma informed then, so I'd land my ass into a psychic ward enough times to realize they weren't the help...quite opposite if I'm being honest. At any rate... I wish you the best on your healing journey. Godspeed

[@sarahcouture24]

This is me to a T. I hate it! I hate it so much 😫 borderline pd is so painful and makes life especially relationships very hard. Feels impossible, but love is my biggest wish, unfortunately I ruin it every time 😔

[@christinarichie6171]

No, you do the work then you decide will you have an intimate relationship. It's hard enough out there.. you also put up secure boundaries. You do the work you will see a difference.

[@anonymousprivate6814]

I am autistic and BPD and my family I suspect. This was excellent to listen to. Even though I am not religious at all, I respect people that are and am willing to hear them. I have not been in a relationship for 7 years and quite happy single as tough as it is dealing with these conditions. My mental/emotional health is number one for me and healing. Content like this on youtube is all I have in terms of mental health support due to my circumstances and it not being available in my area. Thanks Tim. :)

[@ultimate26]

This video is spot on everything I experienced, Feels reassuring to have some validation of how painful it is to be in an impossible situation with someone you love.

[@theRelentlessWarrior77]

BPD is so hard to deal with. Tim, your discussion is so on point. Thanks.

[@sally5256]

Your work is just amazing and helpful and heartwarming and genuine! Thank you 🙏 ❤

[@waterbabe242]

Isn't this disgusting I have severe BPD I have too do this shit again. . I was not the parent Ffs this illness is a complete deal breaker my parents should be jailed for life the animals .

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Now I understand better why I'd feel like walking on egg shells around my father. he had borderline personality tendencies. thank you, Tim. keep these videos coming. perhaps one on ASPD?

[@jiesito146]

Thanks Tim, this video dug deep within.

[@betsybobenhouse180]

This is such a precise and articulate description. Thank you Tim.

[@animalliberationCLBB]

The end❤ thank you so much!

[@awakenedreflections]

Thank you this is so so helpful

[@KellieMC]

Thank you so much for this

[@Visioneering1]

Spot on.

[@ChrisOgunlowo]

Thank you 🙏🏽

[@user-bn2st5kx8h]

I was told and was under the impression i have BPD....turns out BPD is not what i thought it is ,turns out , who told me i have BPD actually has it and ..i suffered the consequences of that

[@JMSsssssss]

I'll keep checking to see if your audio gets better, but I haven't been able to listen since the auditorium echo. It's a shame, I otherwise love these videos.

[@cubanadiense]

There’s nothing in this life I want more than having children and I can’t because of this. I guess I’ll experience maternity vicariously

[@MrFireman164]

So first let me say I have never heard anyone as spot on as Tim, maybe gabor mate but Tim is likely the best I have ever heard, my understanding of cptsd is off the chart because of him, now here is where my understanding ends, knowing what we know about childhood trauma and knowing we are born into this and our parents are what they are, we are thrown into this world with something hideous parent, father is an abusive alcoholic who beats me, sexually molests me, and mom is a codependent who is also abused and takes up for dad, now I grow up with that trauma, maybe never understand any of it and being angry and bitter because of trauma, and rightly so, then one day I die and stand before god, and he says depart from me for I never knew you. Will will now spend all of eternity burning and being tortured, when reality is you never asked for any of that, just happened to be born into that family while others have loving nurturing families, bad luck ? Is this really justice? Someone help me understand this.

[@lesliegrewing3399]

You describe a mean and angry god created by religious systems. The true God is gentle, kind, loving, faithful, true, abounding with unconditional compassion. Ask the true God to reveal himself to you. “God, plz show me what’s true.” He will show you. He is extraordinarily kind and loving. Hold steady. Thank Him for revealing Himself. Don’t overthink it. It’s actually wonderfully simple.

[@MrFireman164]

@@lesliegrewing3399 I actually did that about a year ago and have been on this journey since, I believe there is a god like you describe but the Yahweh of the Old Testament is not that being. Thanks for your comment ☺️

[@MrFireman164]

@@lesliegrewing3399 I love that you have that and yes I can see Jesus loving broken people like that , I gave my life to Christ many years ago but still had to go through a lot of counseling and trauma work to start to become healthy, I had a vengeful wrathful parent so the god of the Old Testament triggers me a lot and for him to be so different than Christ is very confusing to me.

[@MrFireman164]

@@lesliegrewing3399 yes Ted in so spot on with this, thanks for sharing your story.

[@susansilvey1614]

Because the bible is not the word of God. Life is random. No one gets what they deserve, good or bad. Our creator, the real one, never rejected us: "Who told you you were naked?"

[@lisacurtis8162]

How do you heal abandonment,shane from childhood??

[@noturbo]

all these diagnoses are overlapping i have some of these symptoms but dont have BPD officially-interesting video thanks 🤗

[@Lyrielonwind]

Bpd and cptsd plus adhd are misdiagnosed often and the same goes with bipolar, autism...I don't know if they overlap or those spectrums have fuzzy edges and one person can get three or four diagnosis because not even therapists have them clear. BPD is most diagnosed on women, is that a bias or patriarchy sucks and is mysoginistic? Answers would be depending more on personal and societal biases than pure Science.

[@DoomsDust]

❤️❤️❤️

[@susansilvey1614]

WOW

[@rdmpsy]

He's implying there is agency in that nanosecond, but the brain chemistry and biology in these people make this physically impossible

[@chillin_in_a_dark_room]

I told my partner and family i would be leaving to regulate every time im about to explode. I can now stop before exploding and talk my desperation out before proceeding with a normal conversation. It is very possible to heal. It is so possible to heal.

[@ssing7113]

People should know. There is no healthy relationship with a BPD unless they’ve had years and years of therapy. I think Gunderson said it takes 6-12 years of therapy… I tell people. It’s like riding a 100 year old roller coaster. No safety checks ever. No brakes. No seat belts. When the photo comes you shove shards of glass in your mouth And smile. And the only way off is jumping off which is worth the risk at some point Don’t do it people. They need therapy. No matter what you do it is futile and will suck you into a chaotic black hole 🕳️

[@AA-iy4gm]

not all of them have bpd to the same degree, that is awful generalizing, and some are even labeled NPD when it's not the same, NPDs dont have empathy, self reflection and often hurt others, BPDs have empathy, can self reflect and often turn on themselves and are remorseful whereas NPDs are not

[@Valreea]

You probably need therapy as well, considering you were attracted to this person. That is always what's wild to me - people like you generalize BPD so confidently, yet you lack the courage to even understand your own mind and your own issues. It does not take 6-12 years to heal BPD, at least not for everyone. You absolutely can not generalize BPD, it literally varies from person to person. What most people, including you, fail to realize is that some people have comorbid disorders. A person can have BPD and NPD, for example. That person's behavior can possibly be more toxic than someone who only has BPD. I doubt you have the medical or psychological training to diagnose the difference, which is how comments like yours create misinformation and stigmas. That's why you should never generalize, and judge people on a case by case basis. None of us are identical.

[@grandiesgarden175]

❤

[@gloriatucker9796]

I am shattered. By my husband.

[@raquelaliyah]

15:56

[@bluj78]

You cant, you get abused. My sister is bpd. Contact is simply not feasible.

[@kaylastawasz9230]

This sounds so much like an alcoholic to me. How do you tell the difference?

[@chilloften]

Why are we attracted? That sux.

[@boxelder9167]

Rats are attracted to rat poison because it’s 98% food. We feel the love we have been looking for in the love bombing/idealization stage. We open up and feel completely accepted. Then we accidentally hit a trigger and we became the enemy who must be destroyed. We are the outlet for all of the pain. Then the sun comes out again and we feel compassion and want to do better so it doesn’t happen again. Until it happens again and every thing we revealed in confidence is turned into a weapon that we get bludgeoned with. We aren’t done until we crawl away from the relationship as we get blamed for everything that happened. And somewhere inside of us we still think we could fix it if we just had all the information that we never get and closure never comes. Often we are reenacting the relationship we had with a caregiver from childhood. We feel like it’s familiar and we have learned unhealthy ways of coping with the toxicity that perpetuate the cycle. We are addicted to the highs and lows. We may feel too broken to deserve really being loved and the lows are a confirmation of that belief. The highs feel like we have overcome the impossible situation and we finally feel needed. We are looking for the love we crave from a person instead of from God and we made them an idol above God. We can also be hiding our own disfunction behind them. We may be trying to fix them so they can love us enough to fix us.

[@AncientIntegrations]

Is it their fault their mothers failed motherhood? So you’re basically saying if someone chopped one of your arms off and then you say “that guy chopped my arm off” you’re on a strategy of “stop blaming others.” Got it.

[@Lemoncare]

Tim, just explained it sensitively. But the comments are so insensitive. Way to go peeps. That’s the reality!