Recognizing and Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse with Debbie Mirza

On this episode of Melody and Friends, Melody speaks with author and speaker Debbie Mirza about covert passive aggressive narcissists and why they can be so difficult to detect in a relationship. Debbie shares her story of being married to a covert narcissist for almost 22 years and talks about her own healing as she went through a time of isolation. She and Melody discuss the signs to look for in someone who may be a covert narcissist, their different methods of manipulating their victims and what you can do to escape that relationship and begin your journey of healing and restoration. Our listeners can get in contact with Debbie and purchase her books including The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist on her website, debbiemirza.com
Who is Debbie Mirza?
Debbie is a best-selling author who is passionate about helping people heal after narcissistic abuse. She has personally experienced decades of covert narcissistic abuse and has a wealth of understanding on this topic stemming from her own life experience, education, and research. Debbie has been interviewed on several podcasts and online conferences. She has deep empathy for those who have dealt with this damaging form of narcissism.
She has created online courses to help with the healing process, one specifically on parenting when your ex is a covert narcissist, and one with helpful tips for starting your own in person support group. During her own healing, she went through a time of much isolation where she spent a lot of time in nature and at home taking care of her wounded heart. It was during this time that she wrote and recorded songs that would bring her and others calm, love, and tenderness.
Things We Talked about in This Episode
Debbie’s experience with finding out her husband was a covert passive aggressive narcissist.
What it’s like living with someone who has CPAN and how to identify some of the traits (well liked, well respected, but they are very chameleon-like).
The differences between an overt and a covert narcissist. When you’re with a covert narcissist there’s always a question of “who are you really?”
How covert narcissists use silent rage rather than overt yelling and anger.
The three stages a victim goes through in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
Cover Narcissists ability to sabotage important days and them offering to “settle”.
Traits that are common in individuals that are missing from covert narcissists.
What gaslighting actually is in a relationship and what that looks like with covert narcissists.
How to escape those relationships and begin healing after that abuse.

[@hairariststephanie958]

I can relate to every single thing that was talked about in this episode! I bought her book a few months ago and have shared it and recommended to some others who have dealt with covert narcissist. What an insane journey! When you two were talking about feeling safe, I told my ex at one point that he would throw me under the bus any chance he got. I never felt safe with him. He used to tell me to be careful when I would leave or ride my motorcycle and one day, I said to him,"You don't really care about me being safe for me. You only tell me to be safe so that you don't hurt if something happened to me." I know that was the Holy Spirit showing me something!!

[@hendmuhra4866]

My mothers used to always say when she watch a certain movie or drama if she someone similar to her she would say this lady is like me a person who doesn't have a personality or an identity or know what they want in life it breaks my heart when I remember this but it doesn't justify her abuse towards me.

[@melissay7979]

Oh my heck! So much validation in one talk. This experience has left me gaslighting myself off and on for years. It's the silent resentments that eat away at you, but how can you really fully believe yourself when there is no tangible evidence?😅

[@dani323]

Remember, when we want to bring in new furniture 🪑 🛋️ in a house 🏡 we need to purge/ take out/ remove the old furniture. The same goes for our own body, mind. We must be willing to remove the old conditioning, pick 1, and work on it. Example: Forgiveness of own self has many facets! 1)we know now what we did not know, even yesterday. 2)we must be willing to accept our own self as the outsider person we are wanting to help; 3)no one can do it for us, except our own self. #BobBaker affirmations are a little blessing for the start of your day. For me, praying and thinking of being in connection with God, who is Creator of the Universe, is the strength I ask for #movingforward and then I feel I am never, ever alone.

[@davidberrell4725]

Thank you so much. A different story but the same story. Stay strong everybody.

[@marcydrake9159]

So grateful to for this super validating and therefore somehow soothing conversation. Does anyone know of any resources regarding adult children who have grown up in an environment with a covert aggressive narcissist parent?

[@gerger5670]

My husband enjoyed my daughter attacking me, it got so frustrating and scary, he still denies it. ‘She don’t have to work! ‘ Was a big one, because if mom doesn’t have to work, then she must just want to get away from me! 2nd time listening to your book Deb, it’s exactly my life!

[@fidelmashelton9491]

Great book about the Covert Narcissist Debbie. Have read it many times. ❤

[@satyamkatt]

Hello Melody, I will write to Debbie too and share with her this message. Thank you Debbie !!!! I just need some help or advice about narcissistic coworkers. I am a Montessori teacher, and kindergarten Spanish and English coordinator in a school, and the English teacher (but she didn't know how to speak and write in English) is a narcissist, and after 6 horrible months working with her this person finally quit (I felt so happy) but now she is talking badly about me with some parents. I really felt that I was going crazy, I even felt so devaluated. I have been teaching for 30 years, and I was really so sad and didn't want to go to work anymore. Now I feel good, the only thing is that this person won't stop... Do you know if there is a group that I can join to get some help?

[@fidelmashelton9491]

Great insight Ladies and thank you so much. There are a lot of Covert Narcissists out there and they do so much damage to other people. It is a lesson indeed.

[@s.hicks7213]

YES!! Omgsh, this lines up PERFECTLY. Thank you for sharing this. It helps so much!

[@gslice8988]

Wow ❤thank you❤❤❤

[@elizabethanne5121]

Coveet narcissists are stealers of joy. Never let them see you happy, while in a relationship with them. They absolutely hate it.

[@hendmuhra4866]

The empty substance is as a result of their abusive childhood as their personality wasn't allowed to develop.

[@janm9610]

Ditto

[@user-wz1sv3br1l]

No Contact is the only way to deal with them.

[@hendmuhra4866]

So they don't actually have a clear identity of who they are their inside is empty and insecure they try to mask their personality with other people personalities their entire life because of that emptiness. that dilemma and Freud that we experience as victims of this type of abuse isn't necessary intentional but this how they are from inside they doesn't even have the awareness to see that. I do have empathy for that emptiness and lack of substance but I don't justify the abuse when they decide to destroy their victim because of their insecurities.

[@patthebaker2156]

Plot twist.. shes the narcissist 😮

[@mgu1N1n1]

Men, NEVER get married!!