Secret Behind Secure Attachment Partner Choices: It's Not Just About Being Special! | HealingFa.com

[@shaho3125]

It's hard when the void of proper role models for love and connection growing up are filled by the depiction of love that you see in movies and popular culture.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Oof, well said. Yes.

[@bbv5490]

Hey, Paulien! Your video is serendipitous. I was actually just wondering about this earlier today. I now test secure, but I have only been secure for several months compared to being FA leaning DA for most of my life, so I chose my partners based on the roller coaster of emotions that they made me feel. Needless to say, those relationships just won't work. There is this guy currently who has expressed clear interest in me, but I thought he didn't really like me because he doesn't seem either obsessed with me or trying to put as much distance as he could between us. We recently became closer, and he expressed his interest again. I found myself enjoying his company, feeling safe with him, and feeling like he will completely accept me for who I am. Just this morning, it hit me that so far, all I've seen from him were green flags, and that he actually yas everything I want in a partner. But there was no spark! And that made me pause because that actually meant that my nervous system couldn't find the drama that it craves. I took that as a sign that I should seriously consider the possibility of getting together with him. 😆

[@mandypandy111ify]

Did you end up dating him?

[@yeongeunpark6598]

I'm curious, too. Did you give it a go?

[@helsphoenix2623]

I like the relationships where we are both on pedestals with each other. Being with someone who doesn't think I'm amazing and vice versa sounds terrible and boring. I've been married for 22 years and we tell each other this still. AP and FA with some secure. So it is possible...just sayin'.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

That's not necessarily putting eachother on a pedestole, that's cultivating a culture of appreciation and wonder. That's indeed a very healthy thing.

[@anitapereira1710]

this video give me some peace

[@kaithecatguy7571]

So if our feelings, even intense ones, are not a good basis for making decisions, when should we listen to our feelings and when should we not?

[@lizzzarduh]

Good question

[@sunbeam9222]

To me ( a secure) intense feelings either good or bad make me feel the relationship is toxic. There should be no reason for it. Passion is not something I go for, it's not sustainable, it's not real, not genuine. I fall in love when I feel safe, when things are pleasant, kind, considerate, comfortable. Sure I could actually have it with someone else but I am in love with my person cos they're the one next to me, they're the one I m laughing with, bonding with, building with. Basically creating the relationship right now. I have zero wish to do it with someone else. What for? I have them. Why would I want it with someone else? Can't explain because it's so simple and logical to me haha.

[@howtosober]

Your channel has been great. I learned years ago that love isn't enough to carry a relationship if you're not compatible. I stayed in one relationship for 5 years longer than I should have, all because I thought if I worked hard enough we could overcome what were actually fundamental incompatibilities, but that I believed were just challenges. Ugh. Never again.

[@kittykat.88]

Wow!!!!!! This video is so special!!! Haha seriously though! I am more AP then FA but I really relate to this and would love a video about how Hollywood love has altered our perception 100%

[@friarpesel5646]

Hollywood and the music industry too 😥

[@feralcruz2093]

I would love a series on how Hollywood has love all wrong. I remember a past video you did on the same subject and it was so eye opening 🙏

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Just recorded the video on how hollywood messes up our views on love, but love the idea of a series!

[@irenenjeri8720]

That statement! That you can be happy with someone else...and that you chose to be with this one person dispite the fact that there are better choices , but you are loyal to your partner made me confirm my attachment style, thankyou.

[@Muse720]

Yay, this was my question from a previous video. Thank you for hearing me, Paulien :) I am still unclear about why a secure person would CHOOSE the drama & hot/cold patterns that come with dating an FA instead of the stability of another secure person. From what I understand, secure people can hold their own stability admits chaos but they also have standards. I’d assume stability & calm is what a secure person’s nervous system is used to & seeks out in relationship to others. Aren’t they turned off by the chaos?

[@hansronsen4997]

I‘ve mixed attachment styles, mainly secure and partly avoidant. An insecure pattern attracts me somehow. So I can fall in love with a FA for example and commit if I really like/love this person. If I was completely securely attached I think I couldn’t.

[@verafides9]

You are such a blessing. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and perspective.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

You are so very welcome!! Happy to have you here❤

[@ACT4UCF]

Your description sounds very romantic to me! I wish more people saw love that way. But i am secure and used to be avoidant so probably still lean that way.

[@izararistondo]

You are amazing.

[@DD-ic1bd]

Thank you Paulien, very valuable insights!! Xoxo

[@kangarko]

It was interesting to hear you interviewed 100+ married couples - I was considering doing that too, although not for my career but rather to learn personally. Do you have any tips on finding these people? Thanks :)

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Oh it would be absolutely wonderful if you did! I wish everybody would :) I did it for personal reasons too (the reasons being that I was having such intense doubts and just did not know what to base my choice for a life partner on). It wasn't until I realised that their wisdom was immensely valuable, that I decided to write a book about it. I found that happily married couples tend to know other happily married couples. So every 1 couple I interviewed could refer me to 2 or 3 other ones. That really helped! Other things I did was: asking friends and people I knew whether their parents or grandparents were happily married, asking someone I knew that was in a church if they knew people that had been happily married that long, getting local newspapers to print a very small article saying I was looking for happily married couples (they were very happy to do that, and the couples that reacted were so sweet and genuinely liked being able to pass on their hard won wisdom), also asked local radiostations to mention my quest. It was such an amazing journey and adventure, that helped me a great deal in seeing and experiencing what a real happy marriage looks like! I want to say: please keep me updated on this, but I don't want to put any pressure on you whatsoever :) Hope this was helpful!

[@kangarko]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Wow thank you for such a lovely and detailed answer

[@lizzzarduh]

Can you make a video, if you have knowledge on this, about why relationships are so fulfilling if that’s the right word for us? What about people who do not feel they need to be in relationships? Is that true? Are there certain people who can go there whole life without ever feeling the need to be in relationships and are perfectly content or are they just kind of lying to themselves? Why do we need to be in relationships? FYI I am a person who does seek relationships and wants them. I’ve just always been curious about this ever since someone told me they think they are happier not being in relationships and I know this is a belief for fearful avoidants. Why should we seek relationships? And what about people, usually men, who are in a happy loving relationship but just always feel like they can do better..what is that about? Is there a deeper meaning behind this? (I hope)

[@irenep8660]

I'm a little bit confused. Does this narrative promotes polyamory?

[@jolynn89]

(Different subject but wanted to comment on newest video) I just wanted to ask if when you guys feel repulsion if it gets to the point of stomach turning ready to vomit panic attack head spinning levels? I feel so physically sick and uncomfortable I have to escape the persons presence- wish there was a switch I could turn off maybe I could enjoy being with them

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

This can absolutely be due trauma/attachment issues!

[@cassandrahaas6497]

She has a video on this! I would look up her channel and “the ick”

[@deborahnginya6860]

I often feel this 😕... physically repulsed. Uneasy to a point of jumping away when they try to touch me ....its so bad... then once am away from them, I begin to feel stable but filled with so much guilt.

[@jolynn89]

Good to know I’m not alone atleast even if I haven’t been able to fix the problem ❤️

[@jolynn89]

🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@Jd19808]

Yea i know I’m not special 😔

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

And I know you want to be ;) But not being special is a good thing, because that allows you to truly connect. And you will always be unique, which is better than special. :)

[@cassandrahaas6497]

What is the difference between being unique vs. special? Still a bit confused on this one even though I’ve watched all the videos.

[@sunbeam9222]

To me unique is there is no one like you, you cannot be compared. Special means you have something others don't have, which is not true.

[@cassandrahaas6497]

@@sunbeam9222 That makes sense. Thank you!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Love this explanation!

[@basantidevi2305]

You didnt describe how a stable chooses relationships. The reason for this is you are still foggy about what a Stable is. The root problem is FAs don't take responsibility for their part in the relationship.

[@basantidevi2305]

Wrong. Securely attached people are just grounded and secure. But they're human too. They arent always an even glassy lake. To expect a stable to be uneffected by you is ridiculous. I don't think you understand just how much pain a FA can bring even a secure person. We sre not robots. Secures will fall in love. You describe us like we dont fall in love and habe vulnerabilities. Youre protecting that if your partner no matter how stable they are feels deeply they must be anxious. No. FAs are dangerous to anyone who isn't an avoidant. Even to a Stable once in love we only want you. You will become stable. Its not about being happy wth others. Its about being in a mature relationship with honest partner mainly but we do feel vulnerable at times. If you are in love as a Stsble we wont want anyone else. Youre mistaken and dont understand a stable person.

[@johnslaymaker]

I am a bit confused, I think. If there is no spark or passion, how would you even notice the person in the first place or feel any interest in being with them? Why bother? As regards replaceability -- if a life partner can be readily replaced, is easily substituted by plenty of other people, how would that not then be true of one's children, or one's mother, or one's sister? Or are one's children special, but not the wife who bore them? Am otherwise finding immense value in your videos -- thank you! But this one mystifies me. The approach feels cold and devaluing, like merely changing houses or cars. So I can only conclude that I am very much missing something...

[@yes1yes0]

I think it's about the fact that you are not that special in comparison with other people. There are other people with the same qualities if not better. But with love and time you deepen your relationship and connection, you get to know and support each other, grow together and share experiences. Your bond and love keeps growing. A relationship like that cannot be easily replaced and it would be very hard to lose. But you can indeed find a new parter with great qualities and be happy with them, in case things don't work out for some reason.

[@johnslaymaker]

@@yes1yes0 Thank you for your thoughts. I guess we are made differently; if everyone were the same, there's no reason to initially choose anybody. For me there has *always* been a spark, and turned out to be very fine lasses every one. Cheers~

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

There is a difference between a spark (which obviously is a beautiful, real thing) and wanting to be special, the ONLY one that can make your partner happy and like you complete eachother. The latter 3 are unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with a spark!

[@wildnisfarm2754]

I don't like that you are deleting my comments. That hurts! I am just posting how I felt as the partner of a fearful avoidant. It was a roller coaster and I know a lot of partners of FAs are here who would probably be interested to read about how people feel in relationships with FAs. Its nor fair to delete everything that is not claiming FAs are perfect how they are. I guess this comment is deleted as well:((

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I don't delete normal comments! Only spam or bots.

[@wildnisfarm2754]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 sorry. Maybe it's been a failure on KZbin. I took effort in writing a comment about my relationship with a fearful avoidant wich I thought could help FAs and their partners to understand.. The comment disappeared a few minutes after I uploaded it, and I repeated two times, but again it vanished. I am sorry if it wasn't you deleting. I'm still easily triggered around this topic I guess, as a former securely, now anxiously attached...;) merry Christmas.

[@pumsyplums3177]

@@wildnisfarm2754 oh, what did you want to say? what happened?

[@ambrpoop]

SO grateful for your sharing. I would love your advice /experience on.. When we are in relationship, and we are going through all this questioning constantly of if they're the one, what are my real feelings, etc.. HOW can we navigate being in this space internally WHILE still being actively connected to our partner? Because when you are IN these doubts you DO believe them, (and they MAY be true if you haven't figured it out yet if its true reason for doubt or just attatchment triggers) The nature of these thoughts cause separation, in yourself And also if you are openly communicating with your partner what's going on. E.g. they can tell you're a bit distant when you're having a doubting moment. How could they still feel secure if youre hanging on a ledge of questioing if youre even gonna be with them? ALSO another thing id love to hear your advice on is.. What's to share and not to share. Because theres so may thoughts that could lead to ultimately not being together.. But sometimes you can figure it out on your own and the doubt disappears. It feels the more I share when it's happening , you then have to deal with the separation it causes (when youre feeling like your doubt is TRUE), which is a trigger in its self for me, Then I'm dealing with THAT on top of my already self made trigger through my own thoughts of not being together! if I don't share that I've gone into those thoughts again, i feel separated TOO, because they don't reallt know where you are. Seems like such a painful road for the other person.. that they need such strength and possible self sacrifice to stick by you in hope it turns out it's just attatchment triggers that are causing your doubt

[@aletavaughan9170]

Oh wow I agreeeeee, I want a video on all this

[@lifewAandM]

hey paulien, i was wondering if there was a way i could contact you directly? i’m 16 and have a lot of questions but feel that people think i’m too young to take seriously. if you could help that would be amazing!