Self-Differentiation for adults Raised by Narcissists & Alcoholics

Debunk myths you have about self-differentiation, clarify what it is & isn't. Enhance your emotional maturity and easily resist unhealthy dynamics.
👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼
1) FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!"
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
2) FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment
join.jerrywiserelationshipsys...
3) 🔥🔥🔥6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self!
program.jerrywiserelationship...
🌐 Website:
www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
List of recommended books to read: www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
Recommended Playlists:
Introduction To Self Differentiation (Finally be the real you!)- • Introduction To Family...
Outgrowing dysfunctional family Patterns- • Outgrowing Narcissisti...
How To Become The Real You (Also In Dysfunctional Families)- • Playlist
➡️ Visit our website for coaching & workshops:
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC as of this date has over 300+ videos on You Tube. He has 45 years of experience helping people become more self-differentiated, unstuck, and overcome the effects of their family of origin imprinting and emotional functioning. He uses a Bowen Family Systems approach to help coach those who are in recovery, healing from Codependency and other dysfunctional family-of-origin issues.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
#selfdifferentiation #toxicrelationships #emotionalresilience #childhoodtrauma #dysfunctionalfamilies #healingjourney #mentalhealth #selfawareness #selfdevelopment #emotionalgrowth #personaldevelopment #selfdiscovery #traumahealing #psychology #familydynamics #anxiety #boundaries #emotionalintelligence #selfesteem #selfacceptance #narcissisticmother #narcissisticmothers #narcissisticfather #narcissisticfamily #narcissisticparents #narcissisticparent #parentabuse #abusiveparents #familyboundaries #daughtersofnarcissists #boundarieswithanarcissist #childrenofnarcissisticparents #childrenofalchohlicparents #toxicparents #toxicfamily#narcissistic #narcissism #narcissist #internalboundaries #externalboundaries #boundaries #narcisismo #narcissists #detachment #emotionaldetachment #narcissism #jerrywise #self #dysfunctionalfamily #emotionallydysfunctional #anxiety #reactivity #selfabandonment #emotionalprocess #maturity #dysfunctional #foo #calmness #selfdifferentiation #empathy #acoa #acon #bowenfamilysystems #bowentherapy #trauma #narcissisticfamilies #familyoforigin #abuse #abusiverelationships #abusiverelationship #familyissues #narcisista #innerchild #reparenting #healthyrelationships #heal #healing
➡️ You can find me also on:
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/3DKjGLp...
Instagram: / jerrytwise
Facebook: / jerrywiseconsulting
Twitter: / jerrytwise
🆘 Get your FREE 'Self-Differentiation First Aid Toolkit’ for detaching from family dysfunction today: join.jerrywiserelationshipsys...

[@jerrywise]

👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼 ➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ 🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@msbg8385]

Fighting for acceptance from my mother has ruined my life. Your videos helped me get into therapy. My mother asks me so many questions to get my business just so she can invalidate and put me down. Now I share nothing with her I validate myself! So freeing

[@emil5884]

That's exactly my experience as well. Interrogation followed by criticism. I wish I could share, but I can't.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Yes! Npd sister does same….🤐🤐

[@SuzkaMares]

I have been through the same thing! Keep your life private and be proud of yourself, it's life changing. The narcissist doesn't approve of anything.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Sorry you went through that. I pray your strength in the Lord IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN.

[@Odog78]

Wow, this sounds just like my Nmom. Giving no information is sooo important. I call my mom "the trojan horse". She should work for the CIA. She uses compliments as currency, in order to get information and invalidate. It's an invisible poison.

[@PaigeSquared]

I expect something different because she tells me she wants to be there, and because she is my mom!! I want my mom to love me the way other moms love their kids. But you're right; she isn't capable of stepping outside of her mindset. It has been very difficult to accept that she isn't ever going to celebrate me in an honest and loving way. She *wants* others to interact with her as if she were emotionally available/emotionally safe...but when push comes to shove, it's all about her own immediate comfort.

[@PreYeah]

@pageashleypage - you describe it so well especially the part about not being celebrated, as I go through the same thing with my mom. A lot of narc parents want the benefits of a emotionally-intimate relationship without them having been emotionally-intimate with us. So they expect a lot of things that they actually haven't earned. So much of these relationships are about having to reparent ourselves and teach ourselves the gift of emotional availability (the gift of celebrating ourselves in other words). Only when we feel like we can solidify in this way, can we then maintain some semblance of a relationship with a narcissistic parent. But for that, we have to work on ourselves first. I've had to initiate going No Contact (from Low Contact/gray rocking) with my parents because my mom was being far too clingy and demanding with my time and availability (not to mention, she would treat me like we are closer than we actually are and start giving unwarranted personal advice). I figured going no contact was the best thing I could do (for my own sanity and sanity of the people I deal with here on a daily basis), and eventually I may reinstate contact.

[@malwads1836]

It's important to always remember the (DIFFERENCE) between a reactive "cut-off"...& a mature well thought out decision to go no-contact with a toxic/unhealthy individual.In my opinion a mature no-contact decision is oftentimes 1 of the pillars of our self-differentiation process because we're not able to grow & ultimately bloom and live our best healthiest life with really unhealthy/toxic people in our personal lives🌞👍.

[@lori3670]

That story about sharing your new job with a narcissistic mother.... It happened to me a few years ago, before i got into therapy!!! Spooky how accurate this was!!!!!

[@palomalopez8179]

I have a family gathering every Wednesday. I have programmed a cellphone alarm at 8.30 p.m. to remid me, not to wait for validation, share as little information as posible and not to be reactive, so that I do not make them happy with the frustration and pain feelings, that their envy, lack of love and cruelty produce in me

[@Tania-rg7jp]

Can you stop going or only go bi-monthly?

[@mayberry8620]

I’ve been isolated from both sides of my family yet they have definitely parentified their children.

[@PaigeSquared]

We desperately need someone to be emotionally available to us. It's so painful when the one person who occasionally does so, refuses.

[@Sohum1111]

Lets be that someone to ourselves ❤

[@truerosie]

You will be more powerful and peaceful if you learn to be fully emotionally available to yourself. Then whatever another person can provide is a lovely bonus. No one can be emotionally available to you all the time, everyone has to take care of themselves as well.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@truerosie first, yes.

[@adrianadelassereed]

Hello, Jerry. Thank you so much!!! I find this clarification very useful!!! Now I an aware I did not fully understand it. This term is crucial for healing dysfunctional patterns.🤔🤔🤔

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad the video was helpful in making the term more clear. It really is crucial for recovering and separating unhealthy dynamics and patterns. Thank you for watching

[@darialo8740]

Yes - “keep going back to an empty well expecting to get water” is your choice and is on you. Hard truth I learned over the years with my folks. Don’t waste your time. Face they have a disorder just like some people have visible symptoms or diseases that our crying about it won’t change them. Life is short to waste our own power on these people.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Sad realities accepted becomes wisdom ! Much gratitude to your insightful work that you share generously Jerry

[@lishmahlishmah]

Thank you for this lesson. This is vital / fundamental / crucial / indispensable / pivotal / central / primary / ultimate ...and all the similar terms I can find in the dictionary as I am a non-native English speaker. You also made a real life example (of the narcissist mother) so validating for me. I was 100% in that horrible situation because I was trained since childhood to report everything (and I mean everything) to my mother - otherwise she accused me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't open enough to my mom, etc. Actually she wanted the highest control on me as well as on everyone I met. Then, sometimes, most probably when the info I told her was not important for her gaining control... She told me I was talking too much, I was annoying, I was repeating useless things, etc. This behaviour caused me much chaos. As an adult I found myself many times with my habit to tell her so many information... As if I needed to do it. As if it was my own need. Some time ago, I discovered what narcissism is. I stopped telling her many information. It's not my need at all. In this way, sometimes she insists to know a minimal and apparently irrelevant detail about my life... But at this point I recognize the pattern and I know very well that the detail will become a dangerous weapon if I hand it over to her (and I also know why). So I find a way not to reveal it. So, she gets angry and she accuses me of everything. I usually tell her, "It's such a small detail that I forgot it. Why do you want to know it so badly? Why is it important to you?" Then she changes her tactics and replies "oh! it's absolutely not important for me!. It's just a curiosity of mine". My reply, "if it's not that important, then you can understand why I forgot." She continues, "No! you know it but you don't want to tell me!" . Me, "I don't understand why you keep insisting on these things." And I keep on not telling her. Jerry, my conversation still surely have many weaknesses... but I'm trying to learn... And above all my goal is my inner calm when these things happen. Working on this

[@kylevmendoza]

I’m eight years out since going no contact and it’s been pretty rough trying to navigate my healing journey with so much information out there. So thankful for your content Jerry I feel like I’ve found the right guidance that is specific to my situation at this stage of my life. Keep these coming!

[@thewhiterabbitrepresentative]

Self-differentiation is: - Salvation 🙌

[@taralilarose1]

My Mom became my supporter and my brothers became the abusers. I never saw that one coming.

[@jerrywise]

I’m sorry you had to go through this, I hope my videos can help you on your healing and self differentiation journey

[@rochellecaffee1417]

Narcissists are “controllers”. I am NOT a ‘controller”. I share my thoughts, but i expect nothing back.

[@darialo8740]

I love the “empty dry well” metaphor so much. It brought so much clarity.

[@jerrywise]

I'm so glad it resonated :)

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah. If my mom found out if I got something new she would ask how much it would cost. Then she would say something like, I hope you can keep it. In reality she wasn't hoping for the best for me and wanted things to fail in my life. So she could have something negative to say whether it be in my face or behind my back.

[@elleruby-m6m]

The timing of this video is impeccable, Mr. Wise. Thank you!

[@amberfuchs398]

The "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is false. Words can be used as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect. Words alone can cause Complex PTSD for a child. We can tell ourselves "they're just calling me a coca-cola", but over time we can introject that we *are* a "coca-cola" and it takes real work to undo introjection. If someone keeps calling us a coca-cola, we need to set boundaries up to and including no contact.

[@grainnekelly3366]

Excellent video. Thanks for the clarity and refreshing insights Jerry. Self responsibility feels like such a healthy and eempowering goal.

[@carolyntarrant-de5my]

Thanks Jerry! It's taken me a long time but finally I'm not going to that dry, empty well anymore!

[@kathybradley3858]

Thank you for this video…. It just reinforces everything that I have to deal with… my Mother is bi-polar and I also think she is narcissistic. Or, the bi-polar brings out narcissist like behaviors. I stopped sharing my personal life with her a long time ago….thank you for this😢

[@orangeziggy348]

Such a beautiful message. It gives me hope that I can find a resolution with my father. The metaphor of a dry well helps. I learned that my mother was this way when I was a child and had to learn how to stop going to her. It was a hard lesson then, but now I have to learn it for several other family members too. Not sure how to have self integrity but prayer seems to help.

[@websurfer5772]

I knew everyone in my family was unsafe when I was adopted as a baby. Then we seemed to have become healthier once us kids grew up and became adults. Then I found out that three of them (mother included), had been smearing me behind my back my entire adult life too --- and telling lies about me as well.

[@ladennayoung2939]

​@@websurfer5772Sorry you went through that. I pray your strength in the Lord in Jesus' name. AMEN.

[@websurfer5772]

@@ladennayoung2939 Thank you very much for your prayer. It means a lot tom me.

[@Jazzv13]

So perfect! I wish your mom was different. Exactly. We do. But she’s not

[@AyaMohamed128.]

Thank you so much, Jerry Your wisdom is a gift to this world, thank you for everything you do

[@lukecarey613]

I differentiate from systems that keep me blind. I live in my house, but I am not my house.

[@realigninglife]

Jerry, I love your videos, especially the ones on self-differentiation. They have helped me so much. What I struggled with in this video is not the content that was there but what was missing. Never once did you say that it's a normal and natural thing for a child to want to have the acceptance of a parent. I get that you're saying we're adults now and that we're not going to get that need fulfilled by the parent, but where is the tenderness towards us that we need to grieve this very huge loss that has completely dysregulated our nervous systems into adulthood?

[@websurfer5772]

Thanks, Jerry. This is helpful. I like seeing what healthy looks like. It's good to be reminded not to go to those dry wells for water, but if I do, I need to see the situation clearly and take responsibility for my own actions that brought on more pain. The new job scenario reminds me of this song: 🎶When you complain and criticize I feel I'm nothing in your eyes It makes me feel like giving up Because my best just ain't good enough Oh! Oh no, don't bring me down 🎶 (Gerry Goffin & Carole King)

[@websurfer5772]

When I woke up today (the day after I watched this video) I realized that the wells around me weren't dry but they were poisoned and I didn't know it. I also just remembered that before I watched this video I had just watched one at Sergio and Rhoda in Israels's channel which showed them finding the WELL that the Jewish Patriarch Abraham had dug in the Negev desert. The King of the Philistines sent his soldiers to take the WELL from Abraham, so he negotiated with the king and was allowed to keep the WELL for his people. They named the town that was built around the WELL Be'ersheba, which means 7 WELLS in Hebrew, but 'sheba' also means 'oath' so 'Be'ersheba' can also mean 7 Oaths because Abraham gave 7 goats and rams to the king in exchange for being allowed to keep the WELL. Abraham was following God's commandment to sacrifice his son when suddenly a ram appeared and he was told by God to sacrifice the ram instead. Alot of us feel like scapegoats and sacrificial rams in our families of origin.

[@godfirst4964]

Thank you Jerry. You have helped me so much. I have made so much progress thanks to your videos ❤

[@user-wz4bz2fn6s]

Jerry, this video is just what I needed!! Thanks again!! I didn't know What i in this. It has information much needed.

[@gracesanity6314]

Bless your work Jerry. Ireland

[@jerrywise]

Thank you very much Grace. Greetings to Ireland

[@tmking7483]

Dont go to a dry well for water _ got it _ so simlple

[@egeyermusic]

Thank you Jerry.

[@christinerobertson9596]

Good to know--I can be very reactive

[@vtbhoward]

Thank you! Loved the content.

[@kabel7985]

good video! I wish this resource was available 20 yrs ago!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Thank you Jerry!☘️💚🍀

[@bez2215]

healing. thank you

[@christinefarris6985]

Thank you! Excellent video, and I gained so much clarity from it.

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad it was helpful Christine, thank you for watching :)

[@ladennayoung2939]

You are absolutely correct. Thanks for sharing this info as well. Because it is very much so needed. Thank you SO much. God bless. ❤❤❤

[@kareemmohammed5270]

amazing insight Jerry. resonate, much appreciated as always.

[@joshua255860]

Jerry, another excellent and extremely helpful video. God Bless you. Eileen

[@miggiewithdafro]

This was really good. I really i fées roof everything using your example. And thank you for not putting music in the background.

[@mlynn2161]

Thank you for another great video Jerry!

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@darinsmith2458]

wow you said a lot... i was having a difficult time understanding.. my guess is that my inner family or false self or conditioned self was actually blocking me from hearing what you were talking about.. i did get the part about me taking responsibility for my behavior..

[@TheColourAwesomer]

Very interesting

[@tmking7483]

I learned to tell them fairy tales for their faity tell thinking, once apon a time .....there was a great king that looks just like u _ he was gandsome and beautiful and everyone worshiped him. Nitey nite.

[@TZach1987]

This guy gets it

[@Seliz463]

7:00

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Stay myself while staying connected is maturity. That’s good. How do we know when cut off or at least a very limited contact is appropriate. My father explodes on me in a demeaning way in his own reactivity. Do I leave when those specific events happen, he’s never been a father in anyway and has always been angry abusive and demeaning but at times he’s pleasant enough. What’s healthier, setting calm boundaries when he rages or just drift away to focus on my own family and life?

[@jerrywise]

Really great question. Going no contact or low contact does not equal to cutting off. You can stay connected with someone (for example by non reactively seeing their limitations) and still choose out of self love to keep distance that is appropriate for you. This can be a great topic for a separate video. I recommend looking through this playlist, I have a few videos where I discuss this: kzbin.info/aero/PLoYQTW09i3W3NwueDfL2n7nDetlOQOSRP

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Thanks for the video links and your response! This is the very crux of your work. I feel like I’ve been doing this work my entire adult life. I will continue forward.

[@naturelover1284]

great content, wishing for beauty in your background screen

[@ladennayoung2939]

❤❤❤

[@herewegokids7]

I dont wantnto be connected tho

[@mayberry8620]

What if your Dad caused your Mom’s death and has not allowed you to know enough to break free. He has tried to have my neurologist kill me or lock me up. He has sabotaged and kept me sick. My whole family is narcissistic. My parents followed me through grade school, did not let me out of the house until age 18. They also put me on medication and kept me so isolated I did not know anything about the world when they dropped me off at college. MyDad is still a sadistic pedophile, I have a generation skipping trust yet to terrified to learn about it. My Mo m was very clear about wishing me harm. I have not known how to reach out for help as they would become best friends or give money to any therapist I saw. I’m trying to learn what I missed growing up.

[@Walklikeaduck111]

I hope you are healing and doing well. I wish you all good.

[@aytocarambaaysosiamba9822]

Im still confused

[@jerrywise]

Write me with your questions. [e-mail]

[@homeschoolmamaself-care]

Hello dear Jerry. I’d be delighted to interview you on my podcast. I serve homeschool moms helping them to nurture the nurturer. I have written on self-differentiation and it brings up a lot of conversation when I do. I’d love to have you join me on the podcast.

[@jerrywise]

Please contact me at [e-mail]. thank you for the invite

[@bxbornbrucefan]

I don’t entirely agree with having to adjust your reactions in order to remain within the “system.” Why stay in the system if it’s toxic? I had to do so for my kids but once they were adults I pretty much removed myself from that system. My brothers would ask, “why don’t you visit mom?” I would just make excuses. They didn’t know what I dealt with growing up so Jerry was wrong about that point as well. I never told them, or my kids, bc I didn’t want my feelings about her to poison anyone else’s. When my kids were older and she had passed away, I did share some of the drama I had to live with. Removing one’s self from “the system” is self-preservation, imo