Shutting Down & Feeling Like A Bad Partner | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video I'll talk about the dismissive avoidant, shutting down, and feeling like a bad partner!
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@nataliel2149]

I know this is totally irrelevant but I always think how much I love this top Thais is wearing 😂

[@elle381]

Lol me too

[@taraharless118]

Me too. I love the strappy tops she usually wears ...

[@anthonytomlinson3549]

Oh it's relevant, I agree!

[@nataliel2149]

Anthony Tomlinson haha ok good, didn’t want to be insensitive to the topic but I love it! 😂

[@kozy15x]

Lol, she's so stylish

[@spockboy]

3:21 gets to the point.

[@0Demiyah0]

Talked yesterday with my DA-partner about his wish to get therapy. He's stuck in the "what's wrong with me" question; feeling defective and bad. I suggested to him to question; "why do I feel like something is wrong with me" because it opens more room for self-exploration and removes some of the underlying shamefulness. I also relate a lot to how shame disempowers me and makes me want to hide, makes me late for appointments and work, keeps me stuck re-experiencing my wounds.

[@Colonel_Chloe]

I just wanna say as a dismissive avoidant person, thank you for making videos like these. People always see me as standoffish or cold when really I don't want to be that way. I just don't know what I'm doing and being close and vulnerable to people is kinda scary and foreign and my body just freaks out. But hearing you speak about it makes me feel more understood and less alone, so thank you!

[@melindanagy-sinka2807]

As a DA I completely understand you. Being aware is already a big thing for us and little challenges will let us make our walls lower. Good luck with your journey :-)

[@smashtaylor4436]

you are cold. you are hurting people maybe if you stopped that you wouldn't be cold. this lady is sugar-coating words cuz your type runs for improvement. at least your hear trying to learn tho.

[@Colonel_Chloe]

@@smashtaylor4436 Rude. You know nothing about me. I've already been through therapy and am on the more secure side of dismissive now. I'm here because it interests me and helps me recognize and be aware of my own patterns. "My type" is just as capable of self-improvement and growth as anyone else.

[@smashtaylor4436]

Chloe no rude lolol I didn’t call u names or anything lolol . I made a comment on how the reality of your actions mater and even complimented u at the end ....anything else???

[@smashtaylor4436]

Chloe oh! And now I’m gonna be rude .. your type is not really able to grow becuase that would REQUIRE open and honest communication and the ability to handle criticism. Lolol your would rather fight that to grow as kind evidenced by your reponse my love. So no your type does seem to get “stuck” don’t take it personal love

[@CristinaaaMx]

WONDERFUL VIDEO DAs PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS TO US, WE ARE WAITING WITH AN OPEN HEART TO MEET THEM! YOU ARE WONDERFUL SENSITIVE BEINGS, DONT REPRES THAT, LET YOURSELVES BE LOVED! TIME MOVES ON TOO FAST :)

[@hannahmac4129]

I love this, thank you.

[@moulee7448]

Aww this comment made me feel warm 💗

[@scottwidiculous]

They don’t give a shit about anyone else. Anything to protect themselves

[@dorisdejusto5485]

Thank you❤

[@NicoleLam]

this is the reason my FA. ex broke things off... its really hard to respect his defeatist attittude when the situation wasnt even that bad :(

[@TheHermitTeller]

The way I understand the DA attachment style is like a defense mechanism to feeling inadequate. It does seem like those instances when any of us have that defeatist mentality when we just give up on something because we're already predicting it will fail or we won't be good enough to fulfill the expectation. We can become cold, shut off or say mean things and avoid even attempting to get better at it.

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

Unless their willing to do the work walk away, Ive just wasted years of my life with a DA and at the end of the day if fears are exceeding feelings its a dead end relationship and really unhealthy and incredibly damaging to your self esteem.

[@Fonzi79]

OMG yessssssssssssss I went 3 yrs with one and at the end of the time he sucked my spirit out and killed my soul. in the last 2 yrs ive been trying to work from the ashes on what he did to me to recover to who i once was. I never could a figure out on his behavior for so long UNTIL i discovered what a DA is.. He is the text book definition..

[@fredaaa-]

Learn to do your own damn work as anxious preoccupied. APs will focus so much on the DA meanwhile y’all ain’t even working on yourselves.

[@C0MPL3X423]

@@fredaaa- actually I feel like most AP’s are so much more willing to do the work as they want connection and want the relationships to work. We focus more on the positives while the DA focuses on all the flaws. I have given and given and compromised and researched how to support my partner and she rips the rug out from under me no matter how beautiful I am to her.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

@@C0MPL3X423 preach!

[@LG-ly7di]

@@C0MPL3X423 bro you said it!!! I’m here now watching videos trying to figure out how I can be better! Meanwhile my DA is constantly pushing me away

[@theanicca]

This learned helplessness is one of the biggest barriers to having intimacy and a healthy satisfying relationship with a DA in my experience. At best, I've found I can have a very asymmetrical "healthy" relationship with a DA if I provide lots of guidance and care and active listening to help them understand and express their emotions and feel understood and heard by me. However it never goes in the other direction. The DA ends up being the only one who's allowed to have emotions. When I want to share and include my emotional reality - not in a blaming way, and not to try to resolve it, simply to include it as part of my reality - they deactivate and respond with defensiveness, minimising, and simply ignoring or making excuses for tapping out. It costs them such an extraordinary amount of energy to simply be present with emotion that most of the time they'll be "too exhausted" for anyone else to be an emotional being. Their own emotional reality dominates, and usually in covert, sideways expressions. It is an emotional dessert unless you step into a parent/therapist-like role of holding space and supporting them to become emotionally literate and alive. I think DAs do wonderfully with lots of less intimate, casual fun friendships, or intimate relationships with others who are also avoidant and similarly emotionally illiterate. Exhausting and heartbreaking of you discover this only after you have formed a deep attachment and love for the person.

[@scarletsletter4466]

This is such a good write-up. I agree DAs do best in non-romantic relationships. For most other attachment styles, a relationship with a DA just takes too much emotional labor for too little connection. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze, as we say down south 😂

[@AceOfWands895]

As a dismissive leaning FA, I actually can relate to the "lack of modelling". I actually watch romantic movies to study how to be more expressive and communicate my feelings. Cause you dont know what you dont know. When I visit my parents, they yell and scream at each other all day. I actually started trying to practice being more secure in how I relate to my parents who have bad relationship habits and less triggered by them. I am hoping that by doing this, I can communicate better with my partners and have more self compassion

[@austinnguyen9107]

I found that watching some "couple's" youtube channel's, (like Sam and Monica) I am getting the modelling of what a healthy relationship looks like. A bunch of youtube couples are toxic tho. And of course romantic movies usually paint an unhealthy form of love. The really dramatic dynamic of chasing and pursuing (AP/DA) dynamic is modelled bc that tension sells.

[@ayomidecole]

I dated someone who I think is a DA or at least a more avoidant FA and I’m starting to understand how she feels, our time together was wonderful. She became my best friend and was there for me everyday during a tough time. We had only two fights and I ranted, don’t remember much of what I said but I must have criticized her heavily, now I kinda understand why she ran away. I guess she loved/liked me just as much as I did her. Now we don’t talk anymore, I’ve been healing and moving on but just for how important that bond was to me I wish she would know that I don’t find her defective and I know just like myself she makes mistakes too. Well I’m grateful for the experience, at least I assume we both gave each other insight into our relationship needs because we learnt a lot from each other. Just as I’m overcoming my own insecurities and subconscious programming, I have faith that she would too and both of us one day would have the kind of relationship we longed for. I only wish her the best 😁😁 as I do for myself. I’m just happy that I understand now

[@emilieduchesne6757]

this is such a beautiful perspective... thank you for sharing

[@forestcop2399]

AAs, DAs and FAs. You deserve to love and to let us love you. Therapy is worth a million dollars. Break the cycle of hurt/pain to yourself and others. You can really make a difference.

[@LeeChrissy]

I just started taking the PDS course. I have a lot of faith that it will help me. It's not easy living in this brain.

[@coreygeiger81]

“They don’t trust themselves to show up the way they think their partner wants a lot of the time ”..when that 26% DA side kicks in… 🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️

[@manhalfamazing00]

Why am I not good enough? The question I kept asking before we decided to end it. I wish I spent more time working on myself and prioritizing my needs. Wish me luck in my new journey all.

[@SK-no2pp]

R B that is absolutely the wrong question to ask. Peoples actions are rarely about you, and more about what they feel inside, their own trauma, wounds, attachment styles. Don’t make someone the center of your universe, when they leave, you’ll have nothing. That is a very codependent thing to do. There’s a billion people on the planet, if one doesn’t see your value, lots of others will if you allow them too. You should not be making yourself small in a relationship. Your needs and wants should equally be met- otherwise why are you in a relationship? Good luck on your healing journey

[@Kyrmana]

It's not that you're not good enough, it's that you two just weren't a good fit.

[@manhalfamazing00]

@@SK-no2pp It's been rough. Family was my purpose and now I'm a bit lost. Thanks for the kind words and advice.

[@SK-no2pp]

R B “family is my purpose” is a general and broad statement. Is this person you’re speaking about your husband? Or family member? We have to put ourselves and our well-being first. You can’t cater to a toxic person and self abandon. If someone is not meeting her needs, not understanding where you’re coming from, stonewalling you, shutting down, why are you continuously engaging with them? Even if it’s family. Everyone needs to have clear boundaries.

[@IronX77]

Great content starts at 2:43

[@Michelle-qq4sd]

Eve though he thought himself very independent, my DA was very dependent on his friends. He was constantly with them. Even when he would invite me over, his friend would be there. 😂🤪

[@mochiwaffles]

As much as I feel sorry for my DA ex, I won't ever try to save someone again. I mean I can accept them for who they are, but it is ultimately their responsibility to work on themselves, helping them only hinders their growth. Another thing is that as DAs never really allow their true selves to be seen, they are never loved for who they really are as they deeply/unconsciously believe they aren't lovable. So there's never anything real with a DA (there may be brief moments of vulnerability that are inconsistent), you're basically just dating their mask, and we all deserve authentic love, not games and psychological manipulation. Unless you're okay with inconsistency and just want something casual and non-commital, DAs aren't someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with.

[@mochiwaffles]

It's funny cause they don't feel good enough and don't want to hurt their partners, but at the same time don't have the desire to change?? Like is it so hard to find a way to make changes?

[@LeeChrissy]

My DA ex told me that he can't hear anything bad about him or he'll shut down in the same paragraph he said he likes himself and he's never going to change. I was so hurt while also feeling really bad for him. That's no way to live.

[@unocualqu1era]

@@LeeChrissy I fear that this might be the case for my ex as well... She didn't say it so clearly because she has a very hard time expressing anything about her problems, but she did make it clear that she is the way she is. Well that's just great :/ unhealed DA's with no intention to learn and change are almost identical to pathological narcissists... Our only option as their partner (or ex-partner) is to move on and let them live their life. They might learn one day, but we shouldn't be waiting fed on breadcrums because those changes have to come from within.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@unocualqu1era so I wrote my comment 8 months ago while I was doing the PDS courses healing my own attachment style. When my ex came back I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship where only one of us were getting their needs met and we decided to be friends. So yes, let him go and move on is what I did. He is who he is and I accept that, but not forna relationship. We just don't align and that's cool. Staying focused on myself and my career has been incredibly beneficial so I'm going to keep moving in my own direction.. ❤️

[@unocualqu1era]

@@LeeChrissyHappy to hear it went well. My breakup was recent. I still love her very much, but I am slowly accepting that unless she heals (which is unlikely unless she is doing a lot of work on herself), I'm going to have to keep her as a friend and nothing more, because she hurt me a lot when she did all the DA's do and it's hardly pleasant for her either. DA's are at their (hidden) core extremely nice and amazing people, but they are so broken emotionally speaking that they don't even accept help... I'm going full NC to heal myself and recover. Hopefully she does the same.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@unocualqu1era no contact is a great idea. Do you mind if I ask if you have an unhealed attachment style as well?

[@DJVibeDubstep]

That's exactly why my ex of 9 days ago broke up with me basically. We were long distance, said she felt like a bad partner, was hot and cold, distant at times, emotionally reserved but would be vulnerable and sweet sometimes, said she felt she couldn't fully commit to the relationship due to school etc, said she couldn't give the time and effort our relationship deserved.

[@sleepyboy5994]

Damn this is actually like super helpful. Thank you for making this and articulating it in such an accessible and encouraging way.

[@jamabarron5086]

Very insightful Thais! And spot on in my experience with my DA. Thank you.

[@jzixjndmxox9]

Thank you so much for this. As a DA, this is spot on.

[@J3NNYG28]

I've expressed my need for words or affirmation/a love letter to a DA and she ignored what I want and continued to gift me the way everyone else wanted to be gifted as she said. I felt like I wasted my time and emotions constantly giving her love letters and gifts that she liked and not having my needs met. It's exhausting not being heard.

[@tabithajax]

Thank you for your kind, humanizing approach to a problem I have long felt shamefully incapable of fixing. Very informative and interesting video.

[@emilyb5557]

❤

[@eloisa246]

Could you do a video on what to do when a DA breaks up with you because they felt like they were a bad partner?

[@DJVibeDubstep]

That's exactly why my ex of 9 days ago broke up with me basically. We were long distance, said she felt like a bad partner, was hot and cold, distant at times, emotionally reserved but would be vulnerable and sweet sometimes, said she felt she couldn't fully commit to the relationship due to school etc, said she couldn't give the time and effort our relationship deserved.

[@whiterobin01]

@EloisaMelendez That's the same thing that happened to me too. Broke up with me saying "I'm a bad boyfriend." I didn't want to say oh no you're not, because he sort of was, but I was dealing with it pretty well, so the breakup came out of nowhere, because just the week before we had a great time together. Yes, a video on this would be helpful! I'm in NC and not sure if that's right for this situation or not. It's been 7 weeks. ❤️

[@Greenteajohn]

@@DJVibeDubstep OMG same thing happened to me!

[@dannywholuv]

Theyve probably been sleeping with others as a form of escape

[@user-bh6wc3jf5c]

Great...just GREAT ❤

[@JustJRR]

thank you for this video. i feel seen :)

[@Julia-kv2po]

I love this thank you so much Thais I'll forever have you in my heart

[@janharper2821]

Thais I hv so much gratitude for the work you are doing to help us to become more conscious human beings. Is there any advice you could give me as a mother of a 28 yr old son who is DA. I'm on my own spiritual growth path and am aware of the generational dysfunction that has been past on in my family; it's so painful to acknowledge and own that and I do. Would you advise trying to introduce him to attachment styles?

[@OminousRx]

You got me at 11:00 minutes into this . The us is exactly what I was trying to express in my most recent relationship dynamic and by that time all the hurt I caused had forced my partner to put a wall up . I was told more than once she didn’t have time for me to figure it out at my age . And being the DA in the relationship I did just that (run) though I did not want to and pretty much went through all the stages of post breakup management. Can you do a video about how to get them to come to the table and get past hurt just enough to get the work done in the healing phase . How to get a better level of communication has been our downfall when it was sorely needed and I really want to get it right .

[@nannyboo9832]

spot on.. my DA said he sucks at intimacy and relationships and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone so he’s better off alone. tbh it’s about intent to be better… nobody’s perfect. it sucks

[@inspiredx3866]

Despite honest compliments, how beautiful she is, she pulled away and shut down. Also said she didn't know what was wrong with her but got worse before she eventually broke up

[@Talkinglife]

Nice video. .....

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@5:37 "I am not able or capable of giving my partner what they need so they deserve better." My ex said something similar, "If I can't make you happy then I don't want to hold you back from your happiness just cause I love you." Me: "What? How does that even make sense?"👀👂🤔

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@Alphacentauri819 to me if you love someone you do the work.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

@@firstladyqueen5985 Just another thought. It takes so much energy to 'do the work'. I'd suggest it really isn't that they don't necessarily love you but that they recognize their own inability to do it. Therefore in their mind, letting you go (even though they may love you a lot), is the better route FOR YOU bc they want you to have love with someone capable of giving it and loving you in a way you deserve. It's counter intuitive I know, especially to those with an AA style.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@hshfyugaewfjkKS but to me that is severe laziness and pure ludacris. Btw, I am mostly secure with less AP and even less DA and FA.

[@calistar9444]

@@firstladyqueen5985 From your comments here and on another thread, I'm getting the sense that you're new here and to learning about DA. The more videos you watch and the more knowledge you gain, you'll begin to understand a DA's mindset further. I don't mean to sound patronising but a few months ago i was in the same boat. A DA's mindset and strategies sounded ludicrous to me as well. But I kept watching Thais and reading the comments section (which is a treasure trove!) and i completely get it now. "My" DA said a similar thing about falling for me but he knew he couldn't be a good partner to me and therefore he was leaving. He literally made a prayer for me to meet someone who would love, respect, and cherish me more than he could, because i "truly deserve happiness". It's amazing really how textbook DAs are. Pretty sure i live on the opposite side of the world to most people here but there he was, having the same defeatist mindset and saying the same thing.

[@SK-no2pp]

Yes it does. They are not usually capable of being healthy partners and meeting your needs. Why continue to make you miserable and engulf themselves also. Your ex did you a favor. Rejection is Gods protection. He didn’t even ghost you. He let you go gracefully! Let him him and find his own journey.

[@xjustxbelieve2689]

Thais, would you mind doing a video about which attachment style perceives there’s a constant imbalance the most?

[@scottwidiculous]

If my DA ex wife wonders if she’s a bad partner, I can help her out with that. She is.

[@oscarspringer1260]

If there's an argument an it makes you feel as a bad person.It is important to be quiet until you are asked relevant question or questions related to the issue in contention.Avoid irrelevant communication or interaction.

[@AprilSunshine]

Video starts at 2:42

[@fredaaa-]

Great stuff for avoidant’s to learn. Although if APs want to learn about how DAs operate great, however it becomes a problem when they also have work to do and APs continuously bash in the comments. APs need to also do their own work. Honestly

[@roveism]

Dismissive avoidants are bad partners, you can love them as much as you want, but you will always be paying the price for the negligence of their early caregivers, sometimes you pay for it for the rest of your life together.

[@Traumatised311]

Not just care givers it was my family , college friends and school friends who all manipulated me and cheated on me and lied to me , I hate people

[@icequeen5551]

You have every right not want to be in a Relationship with a DA. As a DA myself,i would never wanna be the cause of sb else' pain. Put urself first and Take care of urself

[@rachhhh9722]

What usually happens in a fa fa or da fa relationship when the person who was initially triggered anxious is really hurt and starts to shut down and switch to their avoidant side as well ?

[@AceOfWands895]

This happened to me as an FA. We break up with the person. DAs when triggered shut you out which triggers an FAs anxiety. Anxiety will say "you are a bad person do better" Then you go into trying to do all the things to get your partner to like you. The DA will get more triggered by lack of space and get mean. Which further makes FA think "I am bad. I have to do better". The DA will make a comment like "I dont have time for you" and FA will think "they are breaking it off with me" then they will shut down and become avoidant. Then DA feels distrustful of FA for disappearing. FA will take space thinking its what DA wants and try to fight their anxiety. Then at some point the FA cant do it anymore and will give into anxiety. But by that time DAs becomes distrustful because they see it as "another person who said theyd be there but bailed" (I am assuming...this is what it looks like to me an FA at least)...and then ghost an FA. FA then avoids everybody thinking "People lie about their feelings instead of telling me I have a sucky personality" and stops being trusting.

[@CB-jx9pw]

What if one expresses one's needs specifically and still nothing..? Instead mockery because of what one wants...? :-/

[@jlgotera1]

"didn't have the modeling and structure, alike of learning a foreign language." I definitely came at this last time that I invited the DA, aka "science project", that I am open to being supportive due to what I have learned and him expressing that "he doesn't know what he wants," "I am really trying to understand," "what boundaries are you wanting talk about?", " i do see you as a secure attachment in the future,"... Everything that he would say after months of no-contact, but just so mean when we would come together and communicate. I just really had the gut feeling that he was playing me and he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, based on his lack of action.. But that is just me I am always alert; but based on my understanding about the continuous "owner's manual" videos about the DA mind; it does give me a lot of hope and willingness to not disconnect entirely that it will potentially happen in the future. So in that matter, I am okay and comfortable with not hearing from him for years and not feeling like this last time I didn't feel like I didn't express everything I wanted to say. So i feel I can let this guy go and the future is not a guarantee, possibilities are always available.. :) We fight because I do not tolerate and do not just sit idle while his "dismissive tactics" are done to me.. I never felt like it was me and never empowered and that is why I think he would always return.. ;))) therefore, continue to challenge your partner, if they return they know what they got, they know that you are not convinced and or fully satisfied and they need to change something about themselves... remember that guys ;)

[@forloveandasong0030]

I have a question: Do DAs and FAs compartmentalize their feelings and remain less aware of their feelings towards a potential partner? Do they make rigid categories between romantic and platonic friendships to contain anxiety?

[@thewebedit]

I can only speak for myself as a DA, but no.

[@simmonsrenesha]

As a Fa I can definitely compartmentalize it actually the way I protect my self I have a in or out type of mind set

[@NicoleLam]

YES

[@AceOfWands895]

FA...yes. And when I categorize someone as platonic and they try to cross the romantic lines, I become high avoidant towards them to prevent being anxious

[@chattycorvid2004]

DA, I'm not sure, mostly I'd say no, but when someone obviously feels more towards me than I do them, I pull back mostly so they don't get the wrong idea and end up hurt. As a side, I deffo struggled knowing if what I was feeling was Romantic when I first started dating my SO. My mind immediately tried to criticise me, saying it was just platonic etc, but I knew there was more to it. Now I see those thoughts were probably just fear of commitment/intimacy.

[@dramirez3862]

Do dismissives only be dismissive with the person they want the most? Or with everyone?

[@KayWeezy]

I have been dismissive with everyone. It didn't matter if it was romantic partners or family members

[@firstladyqueen5985]

My ex is a DA and he was mumbling one day when we were living together, " I'm not answering to noone!" Then later in phone conversations when we were broken up he said that no one is gonna control his life! And then 2 years later he said that men only want women to f them, feed them and shut the f up. He met women after me and he realized that women just love to talk and talk. I was like, "Wow you Just need a stripper or something!" You don't want a relationship then cause that is Not a relationship!

[@KayWeezy]

Queen, I think that was just him. I'm a DA male on my journey of bettering myself and I for a fact know I want a woman to love, nurture, and support. To show up for and build a relationship with hands down.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@KayWeezy wow ah that's good to hear! I told him that I said exactly what he said to quite a few guys and they said no. He said that i should have told them to tell the truth. I said I did and they have nothing to lose (well at least not the 2 that are married and living with someone and not the 2 that have been trying to become an item with me for many years and are now totally exhausted)..I think he also has FA style. I see no secure in his personality. His attachment style is quite atrocious now he's saying that he wants a baby on every continent.

[@KayWeezy]

@@firstladyqueen5985 That saddens my heart to hear you have experienced these things. I think his response was also a result of feeling criticized and attacked. I can understand that part of it because I've been there. Whenever I felt that way, I would lash out and say some pretty terrible things. This was me not knowing why I was responding that way. On the other hand, I can't understand the wanting a baby on every continent and those related things he has said to you. I'm so sorry you have gone through this.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@KayWeezy thanks for your empathy as we humans should naturally have. ☺️☺️Oh you were lashing out subconsciously. P.s. he said every man only wants women to do those 3 things! Key words: every man. He said it when we were Not even together. Aka lllllllong after I broke up with him! He even told me lllllllong after I told him I'm done that his mom said don't trust no b____ when he was 15.

[@KayWeezy]

@@firstladyqueen5985 Yeah I don't have anything positive to say here except I'm glad you broke it off. Doesn't seem like he was willing to change and was in fact doubling down on his sentiments which can be down right devastating.

[@Jasyc207]

Is it common for someone to move from one attachment style onto another (say FA to DA) before becoming secure?

[@tulip5210]

She has a video on how to tell if each type is in the process of becoming secure, she mentioned that when Fas and Aas are becoming secure they tend to become more dismissive avoidant at first!

[@laluna424]

I doubt this all the time as I switch between FA to DA but the quiz says m FA. But I have made progress towards being secure. Peace!

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Idk man I think he just didn't love me

[@Ashikabi.]

At least it's just "he" and not "they"! Too many women in my past that I could say just didn't love me; but I'm trying to get my mind right and filled with the truth about people for the time that "she" does love me, and I can love her back.

[@jordanlevitt1638]

Maybe they did at a point and then it faded?

[@elle381]

@@jordanlevitt1638 that's not love

[@addwasabitomycoffee5811]

@@elle381 well it can be. People do fall out of love. They can care about you, but they don't love you anymore.

[@ireallydontcare4536]

Why is everyone in this comment section generalizing DAs so much. Not every DA is the same.

[@someonespecial581]

Maybe they are recovering

[@TheKickasskatie]

What if he is a bad partner? My DA has these feelings and fears of not being a good partner. I know he is aware that he's not doing enough and I don't want to make it worse by continuing to talk about certain needs not being met. On the other hand for some reason he has some kind of anxiety about showing up. Literally. Like if he's supposed to come over at a certain time or said he would help me with something he literally doesn't show up at that time. He comes by unannounced at some other time. And he won't take me out on dates. Iv told him that I need to go out on dates. He cant/ won't. How do I talk to him about this?

[@AceOfWands895]

My ex DA was similar. His mom, a lovely woman who I think is awesome, is single and relied on him to do things I think a partner should be doing for her or that she should do herself...not her son. So I think when it was my turn, it was seen as a burden. She would also critique him as he was helping...without letting up. So when he did help me, if I made even the slightest suggestion of doing it differently, hed blow up. In terms of dates, I think financially it was difficult but he didnt want to admit it. I did say to him that I feel I was putting more effort in the intimacy area and it was making me feel he wasnt committed...he then took me out to a very very nice restaurant. I realized, if I spoke rationally and not accusatory oranxiously he was very responsive.

[@Bbrer]

Try asking for 19 years. They promise and break those promises! And then they’ll never speak on it and you better not bring it up! They’ll say your needy and expect too much 😂a sanity breaker! Save yourself and love yourself they way you wished he would! Always defeated and say why bother! It will never be good enough even though they don’t even try. It’s disheartening

[@elle381]

How do you empower a DA who is convinced they are not able? Especially a depressed DA who has been undershooting for years and is now facing crisis that is forcing them to look at themselves? They are not incompetent, they have every potential and very capable. How do you get them to see that? Words are not enough for someone not seemingly extrinsically motivated

[@estherh.1106]

You can't... unfortunately they need to see it themselves and make the conscious decision to start working. I know the struggle: my DA suddenly broke up with me even though we were working so hard together and he still felt like he wasn't enough.. i wish you the best!!

[@elle381]

@@estherh.1106 this is so hard. 😔 tysm. Well wishes to you too!

[@estherh.1106]

Elle B i agree it's a terrible feeling. I am doing NC, maybe that would help you too? Letting him come to you?

[@estherh.1106]

Elle B no contact for sure and stick to it this time. Look up Craig Kenneth on YT! Amazing content!! You can donit!

[@elle381]

@@Alphacentauri819 hurts to hear because I know it's true. Thank you for that. I'll keep working on me. I don't want this for myself.

[@meliholland]

I need help. My bf DA broke up with me a few days ago because I told him I wanted more time with him. Then he said he needed a few days and now it’s been a few days with no contact and I am struggling

[@mattshenkerwhat]

Any update? Were you able to maintain no contact??

[@Fonzi79]

Please just leave him a few days will turn longer and into holidays .............. you will be extremely sad in the end i was with mine for 3 yrs and in the last Xmas he completely disappeared while he was visiting family for 2 wks NEVER contacted me once then when he said when he came back after LOTS of excuses as to why he didnt contact me at alll ( even on Xmas i heard silence) that he just wanted to get away from the world ! To this day i wasnt even worth to him a text message Merry Xmas and him knowing i would be devastated in that behavior. BUT his excuse he needed some space ...

[@jeanwilkins463]

Same. I expressed that i wanted to spend more time and build the relationship, wed been together 1 year. You could see the fear in his eyes. Shortly after he said he couldnt give me what I needed ans we broke up. I told him of his avoidant characteristics but showed no interest in any change.

[@meliholland]

@@mattshenkerwhat we exchanged belongings and then had lunch a month later for my birthday 11/24. Then said happy thanksgiving on thanksgiving and merry Christmas on Christmas. Nothing after Christmas 2020. I’m happy now and I have a new guy in my life. We’ve been together since New Years.

[@Grewupwithnointernet]

Do not contact him/her! They will resurface and try to act like nothing happened! No responsibility…ever!

[@Grewupwithnointernet]

Are they 7 yrs old?

[@smashtaylor4436]

Why don’t they change tho. I think I’m a shit partner but then I work and do what ever I can. Like I feel like they kinda are playing the victim in their life. My parents abandoned me but that doesn’t mean I get to hurt others. My bpd is constantly warned about. Why is it ok to call anxious attachment all kinds of things but dismissives get babied. I wish their were vids that told my partner all the shit he can do for me but I just get told to self soothed lolololololol

[@skwerl81]

Smash Taylor she talks about this at 5:51

[@smashtaylor4436]

Annette I heard what she said and still feel the same way . I hear the empathy there, but I still don’t get it. Like nothing work right for me but like I keep going cuz like I don’t have a choice. On that same hand I wish that people did that for me and I did not have to do everything and still maybe get nothing. The tone was sad not criticizing this wonderful lady.

[@addwasabitomycoffee5811]

"Ok to call anxious attachment all kinds of things and dismissive gets babied"? Really? I have see quite the opposite happen. Plenty of people tend to demonize DAs and see the APs as the victim. In my view, everyone with insecure attachment need to work on themselves if they wiah to have a healthy relationship. Also, "they" will be a bit too much to use here. There are many of us who are willing to work on out attachment and many of them have recovered too, so that was a bit of a generalization.

[@ava-jl1ll]

Exactly

[@sewing2251]

DA's can and do do their emotional work to earn a more secure attachment. However, because those couples are less in distress and more regulated, you find them in these comments.

[@yippierb]

That is because..they are bad partners.

[@Jeb9221]

I had a 1-month courtship with a dismissive avoidant... I lost her due to my anxious-preoccupied attachment style... I want her back... Thais, do you do any email coaching on getting a dismissive avoidant back? She hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp and IG, but, would not interact with me at all. I have gone NC for a week... Should I block her on WhatsApp and temporarily deactivate my IG account? I just feel that I should disappear... This is a same-sex relationship... Though we were never official... Her ex dumped her in April this year after a 5-yr relationship... I didn't believe she was over her ex but she insisted she was over. She pursued me relentlessly in the beginning... Then when I became needy, she dropped me... I'm dying inside... Can you help me, please? I have signed up for your Advanced Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style Course... But, can you help me get her back? 😞

[@SK-no2pp]

Halle and Friends move on. Trying to get closure from someone else is never the answer. Because you’re putting your healing and well-being into the hands of another person. You’re giving up all your power. Do you have the ability to see things clearly. Yet you’re chasing someone else’s perspective of what transpired. Her saying “sorry” Won’t make you feel any better, and it won’t change anything. You have to know that you deserve better. And that you showed up 100% on the relationship. It just wasn’t meant for you. Have you done all the healing work

[@Traumatised311]

She is with someone else already she is a da , I am a da I always get into rebounds due to anger ,when you trigger a das anger or negative side they can turn into monsters

[@suelynn7133]

@@SK-no2pp run away is always the answer shame on you for the negative response. How about some encouragement of ho maybe she can get her ex back????

[@SK-no2pp]

@@suelynn7133 if she wants to be “gotten” she would communicate with her like adults do. She deserves love also! And being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is damaging, this person is emotionally unavailable, unless they are doing healing work and in therapy. And I never said to “run away” this person has a lot of their own healing to do

[@fahlmancomputing8628]

So when you notice your DA friend is in that state of having given up, how can you best help them through it in the moment, even if that defeat is not related to your relationship with them? For example, my DA friend is exhausted from insomnia over the past week, they wake up throughout the night either soaked in sweat or with the chills, so I empathized with them, and offered to say prayers for them in out shared spiritual belief system, and they just said "It's ok, don't bother. Really." I hate to see them in pain, but as an AP I don't know how to help support them better. I think they feel all alone, even though they have a partner, and they know I am always there for them, although maybe they still FEEL all alone. Any suggestions?

[@TheOlmountaingal]

Yes, all true, but I feel like this is extremely sympathetic to DA's while neglecting to point out how utterly damaging this behavior is to the other person in the relationship-and that DA's need to change.

[@LeeChrissy]

I agree but as a FA or AP, we need to learn to regulate our emotions too. I've talked to my DA ex about these things and for one he was taught very young that he had to swallow his emotions and not speak up and said that his friends never talk about stuff like that so it's not like an open dialog like it is for us women. If you grow up not talking about your feelings, how do you teach yourself how to unless you have a partner that makes you feel safe enough to express yourself? Then when you pair that with a FA or AP, who can't express their emotions in a rational way a lot of the time then it's a disaster on all ends. DA's aren't perfect, but they're just as wounded as us. I think it's up to us to recognize these traits and decide to leave early on if we're not up for trying to work on it. Now that I look back, the red flags were all there. I just chose to stay, but moving forward I'll know better.

[@elle381]

Did the DA really flee the scene if they are no longer stonewalling and texting or reaching out somehow every day? Even if they aren't being romantic yet receiving affection or occasionally asking for it? Can't tell if this more of his depression or what. I frequently praised him for being a great boyfriend because I noticed early on he responded well to concrete information. So I've heard him say the words in the video in the past. This stopped for some time and suddenly a breakup. But he's not gone anymore. He is shut down but he is here. Not saying affectionate words but receiving and doing small things he knows makes me smile. ...what? The more I learn, the less I know.

[@elle381]

@@ShawnFin I'm dumbfounded. Actually yes he has multiple major stressors this year. Loss, sick friend, seriously. Its always "that's life. Im fine." On its face. He would seem fine for a while and then.. He does confide in me all these things and every day I ask "how are you today" "how are you feeling" because he will respond to prompts but never volunteer emotional things. I see him constantly repressing and first time he burst into tears in front of me I completely nurtured and was so gentle. Later on he seemed so upset and bewildered with himself for it. Problem is with all the stressors and refusing to deal, hiding behind video games and anime, quit his job and out of work for the first time in his adult life, I'm honestly the only person who knows the inside stuff. He absolutely refuses to get help or explore this sort of thing but if I talk to him or ask things, when he's less shut down he pours it all out. I'm confused because this DA had been uber affectionate until he did the sudden switch. Many of these stressors had already been happening for months. "It is what it is" he says. Now his affect is different and he says sometimes he lost feelings or can't feel. Starting to think my existence is like one big finger touching a giant exposed painful nerve. Maybe I just represent emotions too much and as that kind of stimulus he can only tolerate a bit of me at a time while he processes. Thank you for your insights. It helps

[@elle381]

@@ShawnFin he feels like he is still mine because he is still very present in attendance at least but I believe you are right on all counts. I am sure I am codependent, I'm not quite familiar with the terms enmeshment and trauma bond yet so I will look into this. You're also correct, bottom line is if he isn't willing to do the work, isn't willing to communicate (seriously, lately all answers to emotional questions is idk. Why did you break up with me? Absolute refusal to answer. Not one hint) Ultimately I am attaching myself to a downward spiral. Thank you for the reality check. Sometimes I feel like I'm clear on this outcome yet he will text me overnight and do something sweet. Last night he was sending me youtube videos of babies like from back when we were good just 1-2 months ago and we would watch them and talk about our future family. He knows they make me smile so I assume he is being nice but when someone won't communicate, you try to read between the lines. I see that I need to stop. Thank you again

[@elle381]

@@ShawnFin no apologies needed because I needed to hear this. Because of course I was asking myself if I could make it to secure, could I help us both. It's almost a year and a half together and I did not have the positive background you had but I really did my best and at points it has been outright traumatic. Also to your point about validation, putting him on a pedestal as a I do as an AA means I hadn't even considered he would just be doing this for validation and attention, just innocent love seeking in his stunted way because he always was the seemingly more secure one, the one that never needed like me, the one who never chases. This comment section has been a revelation. Thank you for taking the time to explain and share all these valid, critical points. My head is spinning. Time to process.

[@ct6926]

@@elle381 I myself am a DA and wanted to just offer a little clarity on what you had said about your partner not offering up emotional info and how he was hard on himself about the time he cried in front of you. This is a huge issue we deal with. Being vulnerable is EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I know for myself that after I express how I'm feeling or even just sharing the story of my traumas or history, I get home and I am riddled with anxiety to the point where I feel almost physically ill. Like a dull nausea over the fact that I just shared something deeply personal (we may put more emphasis on emotions being more personal and to be guarded than most). I'm more than likely going to have anxiety over this post for the next hour at least! 😆 Now I have been with my partner for 12 years this October and with the exception of 2 childhood friends, he is the only other person that I am able to share with and not feel this way. Although it took me many years to get there and if I'm being honest I'm still not perfect. I can tell you that if I have shared with him and don't feel heard or understood it immediately triggers my response to draw inward as the subconscious narrative of "only you can take care of you" creeps in. Which also makes the feeling of being a burden when you rely on others only worse. The things that go through our minds: "they don't care, they can't possibly understand, maybe I'm too screwed up, maybe its not their responsibility and I'm being selfish for feeling as such, no one can fix me, etc. And with that last one I can tell you being with someone who feels the need to fix us only makes us feel more broken. I will say the advice that Shawn F has given is pretty spot on, especially what he said about how the subconscious overrides the conscious. Its so true sometimes our subconscious need to protect ourselves completely overrides the need to be loved as well as all other romantic needs. It takes being aware that you are DA and as exhausting as it is, constantly thinking about your behaviors and trying to counteract them. For example, I totally have to remind myself to give people a chance to be there for me, I have to tell myself to be affectionate and sometimes will have a 10 minute internal battle over just reaching out and rubbing my partner's back or holding his hand in the car. Other times it comes completely natural to me, but again this is now after years of working at it. If your partner will not acknowledge their attachment style and will not even attempt to work on it, then there is nothing you can do but take care of yourself. Ultimately our attchment styles are a personal problem, we can ask for help but we as individuals are responsible for doing the work.

[@ct6926]

@@elle381 oh and I am also the queen of saying "that's life", "sh*t happens", etc. It very much comes from feeling like no one is going to pick you up when you fall or that no one can/will take care of you as it's no one else's responsibility to do so. If you do fall, the world will continue passing by with you on the ground. It's basically how we stay "strong" and keep suppressing how we feel. If we don't process it, it becomes a lot easier to keep on keepin on! One small example, I suddenly broke out in full body hives about a year ago (some as big as dinner plates) due to an autoimmune disorder that I was subsequently diagnosed with and still got up and went to work at the office everyday. Instead of processing how it made me feel to be chronically ill for the first time or how miserable the hives made me, I told myself bills gotta get paid and rent's still due! I went to work with a smile on my face and kept up my outgoing personality. I'd make comments like "it is what it is, glad to be alive🤷🏽‍♀️" when people tried to express worry or compassion about my situation.

[@Fonzi79]

Her voice reminds me of Kim kardashian

[@someonespecial581]

This is true. They are both very soft speakers

[@punkseth1]

Video begins at 3:20