Why Would Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner Cheat? | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Relationships

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In this video I go over some of the key reasons why a dismissive avoidant might cheat in a relationship.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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[@ryanhudak8521]

They’re the worst combination of selfish and insecure. They’ll place their feelings ahead of anyone else and find a way to justify it to escape the guilt. Just do yourself a favor and get out. Especially if they’ve cheated.

[@Elenasn]

they - who? I'm a dismissive avoidant and i'm a people pleaser (putting other's needs above my own). Maybe you are talking about narcissists? They are " the worst combination of selfish and insecure". But be careful what you are talking about DAs.

[@betsybittner3169]

@@ElenasnMy daughter’s bf is a DA in the times of conflict. Otherwise he is the sweetest, most thoughtful, loving guy. These videos have been so helpful for my daughter and me. I hope that her bf can grow/change in the conflict area. It is quite the challenge too because they are doing long distance.

[@sarahjanehickson8282]

Why is it that when they are found out they still blame you or take no real responsibility for helping to change or grow afterwards? You are left with it all to figure out and deal with on your own. It's so painful to be cheated on. So incredibly painful.

[@roberttruman8444]

Because they don't know how to even start processing the situation and in any case what happened is in the past. The one big reason they've survived until now, and in many cases thrived (career usually), is because of their refusal to retrospect. Looking forward is not painful either, so the DA will naturally choose the look ahead method and as for taking responsibility they will act defensively and deflect blame often through projecting their own traits on the partner. Again it's not malicious it's purely defensive. Plus if you listen carefully to the faults they observe in you you'll begin to notice some inconsistencies, especially when retold on different occasions. Things like exaggerating past behaviours and traits, or focusing on the bad parts and ignoring the good, negativity bias. My DA mentioned one set of traits on one occasion and then completely different traits when returning to the conversation a month later. I definitely had my flaws and won't deny them, and some that could have maybe upset her but she felt unable to mention ("I'm fine!"). I think she used them more for convenience because deep down she didn't know why she was trying to pull away and sabotage the relationship. In fact I'd go so far as to say that if someone exits a relationship and not because of extreme reasons (e.g. domestic abuse, infidelity etc), and the reasons they give are all because of you then it casts a shadow of doubt. There is always some fault on both sides and probably best not let one's ego have a say in the breakup analysis.

[@inyadreams87]

Right my da was flirting with this girl on fb guess what he said why u on my fb investigating lol

[@sushisam3010]

​​​​​​@@roberttruman8444 The problem with this behavior of looking only ahead, at a future, denying the past is that these people live by repressing what they feel, unable to elaborate anything and to learn from the situation. They are stuck in the past. DAs always seem to be expending an inordinate amount of energy not to see things as they are, not to take responsibility. It is deceptive and immature behavior. This way, they never develop tools to improve and be in a relationship. When we repress something, that feeling remains within us but unconsciously and becomes a somatic symptom. In other words, we think we control, but we start to be controlled by what we repress -- headache, stomach pain, etc. It's also interesting to think that the future is only possible because of what I do/build in the present -- it's the present that tells me the possibilities of a future. However, learning in the present also depends on elaborating on the past. It's all connected. Refusing to enter and work on the past limits you in many personal ways. That way, they just walk forever in circles. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship with avoidants. If there is no psychotherapy for years, there is no way (and even then, it will be complicated).

[@Alixir1228]

Mine took full responsibility. But it doesn't really matter. Everything was a lie.

[@writekelly]

Makes it so much easier to let go and never look back.

[@strongerasone2403]

I find DA to be incredibly selfish, un-necessarily rude & disrespectful. I have never said anything negative to them about them, despite their behaviour. If they misbehaved, I would just stay at a distance. Do DAs realise how annoying and dysfunctional they are? Saying they want one thing and then doing the opposite. Is it revenge for childhood trauma? Is it a test of loyalty to see if you will stick around or leave? Or is it just their protective side kicking in? It feels like the only option is not to love but to leave.

[@notmyrealpseudonym6702]

I'm annoying myself using them as an example. Consider from their perspective how inflammatory it would be to constantly and incessantly be provoked by myself for not meeting their needs! Just because it takes their expressive communication strategy longer to do the prep and planning phase before the expression phase doesn't mean they should be vilified. Would I hassle someone with a stutter? Or who had english as a second language? They stutter my primary love language as their secondary language.

[@strongerasone2403]

@@notmyrealpseudonym6702 what do you mean? That basic communication (+ good manners) does not come easily to them and this requires patience? Or is their identity one that believes they cannot, so why bother trying to meet someone's else's needs? I see no justification for leading someone on (in action + words) and then ignoring/standing someone up. Why would they do that to someone who cares about them?

[@colinc5531]

@@strongerasone2403 i totally agree....that has nothing to do with attachment styles, no matter which one you fall under...as adults we know the difference btwn right and wrong behaviors....you know if you cheat on someone who loves you, that that would be a hurtful and devastating thing to do to that person...im not letting DAs off the hook for that !!!not buying it

[@addwasabitomycoffee]

That's pretty much a generalization. It's a bit much to say this for all the DAs

[@austinnguyen9107]

The ironic part is their behavior makes all attachments more anxious. So even if they date themselves (another DA) they'll still get anxious, but both will withdraw, no one wants to be vulnerable and the relationship just fizzles away until they're strangers. Healthy, long term relationships and a true DA are fundamentally incompatible

[@smashtaylor4436]

The more i learn the more i just want anxious people to make our own society and let the selfish people strave since they dont need other people or connection. cuz what is really happing is is they are just pushing off emotional labor and pain unto others. And them im forced to be a bad person by either leaveing or be a punching bag and stay.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Avoidant people can help Anxious people to gain more connection with themselves and Anxious people help Avoidant's become more vulnerable and open. Both attachment styles are born out of trauma wounds just different coping mechanisms to feel safe and avoid pain

[@smashtaylor4436]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Can i be honest. Why would i want to like connect to my self. I litteraly am myself lolol. How much closer can i get. And if im gonna have to be alone why not just like do it all the time. Why do we have partners at all. Like at this point why get married just sleep with anyone cuz everyone has to be reponsible for themselves. and hoestly this makes friends seem pointless too. Like if we dont meet each others needs then like whats the point.

[@spicyphilly]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks for making that point Thais/PDS. As a recovering DA that's been mostly SA for years now, until a recent toxic relationship with an alcoholic FA ironically, these comments generalizing all DAs are very hurtful. And I haven't even watched the video yet. So maybe I should do that now to see what everyone was riled up about. So I watched the video and don't see what all the excitement is about. It wasn't too different than the FA reasons for cheating. I must be one of the DA types that strongly values a monogamous relationship more than my fear of vulnerability. I've never cheated in a relationship. My FA type alcoholic ex was/is the type that was consistently accusing me of cheating as he was the one coming home later from work and having secret talks/chats with ex's. If I went for a walk in town I was cheating, if I was home alone for an hour before he got home I was cheating, if I went out of town to visit my son I was cheating. And the way he would accuse me was horrific. Sending me nasty vulgar messages while I'm visiting friends or family. Made it very difficult to enjoy myself because it would offend and distract me so I was spending more time worrying about him and trying to reassure him or even fighting over text than I was visiting. Childish. Oh yeah he even accused me of having sex with my own son. Which is outrageous. All the other accusations were difficult enough, but I was having a really hard time recovering from that one. I don't know that I was ever predominantly DA because I wasn't aware of it or tested before I started therapy many years ago. What I do know now is I'm mostly SA and identify with DA, and will lean heavy DA when I go through what I did with my alcoholic FA that wouldn't get help. Now I'm back in therapy to undo the damage and get to my more SA self that I used to be. I'm aware I must not have been SA enough before getting into that relationship because I should've left at the first signs of him chattingit up with other women and exs, sneaking out to get smokes at 11pm and not getting home till 5 am, stumbling drunk into the shower first thing. I stupidly second guessed myself and didn't want to believe I was being a fool. Now, I don't believe ALL FAs are like that. I do love and miss him, his sober self, has so many qualities I look for in a man even with his cute FA-ness, I know would get even better if he could commit and consistently do the work. But for me, I'm too damaged now to forgive and forget. So sad and breaks my heart. The channels response here reminded me I used to tell my ex we were mirrors to each other to help each other grow and balance each other out. I'd never opened up to someone like I did with him. It felt amazing the brief time it lasted.

[@Eevanova]

@@spicyphilly sounds like he was a narcissist

[@ruthr8990]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Yes I agree. Am here because a da friend who consistently ignore my needs.. now I realize that I need to meet my own needs and love myself. I am a fa and the pain I felt motivates me to love myself more and meet my own needs.

[@arh3861]

Lol. Dear Lord you just sent all of us FA/AA’s into a panic!!! Please YES do the prevention videos. Do them today for the love of god! 😂😂😂

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hang in there Amber!

[@BrooklynParis16]

I’m literally laughing so hard because before I watched this video (me being an AA) I started panicking. I barely made it through the video 😭😂😂😭

[@susanpaquin1631]

I know this is a year old have you made the other videos yet if so which ones are they so I can look them up. Thank you we need all the help I can get with my DEA partner

[@chickletmonstah]

Lol amber you funny girl 😅 (FA in love with DA….yes for the love of God please do!)

[@dleal7]

What a headache it is to date these people. I’d rather date an anxious or secure. Next!!

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Reasons to cheat - unmet needs : They feel disempowered in the relationship They have competing needs They feel criticized or shamed by their partner They just fear being trapped

[@Oyb730]

Anddddd none of those are valid reasons to cheat.

[@austinnguyen9107]

@@Oyb730 I agree with you that cheating isn't valid in general, but I think Thais means by this videos is understanding how the DA rationalizes cheating. Even a DA might think they would never cheat, yet when put in these circumstances, have no regrets doing so

[@writekelly]

Some have no integrity, no moral constitution, use sex to disguise their inability to offer any other intimacy, strive to validate their core belief of worthlessness, find ways to avoid being alone to process their own behaviors... Yeah I just discovered mine was cheating.

[@afasia2341]

I feel ALL of them... FML

[@roberttruman8444]

Thing is many people think of cheating as e.g. sleeping with another, or sharing a close emotional connection, flirting or even just or thinking of someone else in a romantic capacity. These are all the things that affect our ego because they remind us that we aren't perfect and that we are dispensable. Thinking about cheating in this way doesn't help us to understand life any better or grow in ourselves. Lying and deceit on the other hand is corrosive and shakes us to our very core because it alters our sense of reality & self. The power of our own belief is immeasurable, and historically it has always been the driving force in our evolution. When a partner has an affair, what damages us and takes time to repair is the lies that the partner gives to cover their tracks and the lies they tell in their words or actions used to maintain the status quo and keep things seemingly harmonious. Now this is where the non-cheating partner comes in. All of us tell ourselves lies for all manner of reasons. If you believe in the proverb 'fake it till you make it' then you're a liar. If you try and get over a breakup by conjuring into your mind a false repelling image of the ex to help you move on, you're a liar. If you intentionally turn a blind eye to something your partner says or does because you don't want to risk finding out about something you know would trigger you, or because you feel you may be at fault and choose to ignore the opportunity for self reflection, then again you're a liar. I've cheated before in my life, and have been cheated on. I've also cheated on myself every time I refused to assert myself when a boundary was violated, or when trying to justify a negative action or attitude. Looking at life with this perspective it's clear that most, if not all people who have been cheated on have actually cheated on themselves far more in their life than anybody else. Blame it on core beliefs, childhood abuse, religious or political beliefs or cultural or whatever, it doesn't matter. If we're adults and we're of sound mind then we shouldn't ignore this potentially toxic part of our lives, and I think people in general would rather focus entirely on a partner (whose needs they MIGHT have ignored) who has for whatever reason attempted to have a need met from somebody else, instead of opening it up and the prospect of having to own up to personal faults. There you have it. It's the great lie we tell ourselves.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Because they live to hurt others. It is normal for them.

[@JustJRR]

Definitely need a follow up on how to mitigate these problems! Love this channel. Thanks so much.

[@konvict451]

5 Lame Excuses A Dismissive Avoidant would cheat in a Relationship....there, fixed it for you.

[@gregbond8030]

Thank you for your wonderful advice,more please!

[@fereshteyaghmaie3931]

Thais thanks for the great work. Please make the second part as well.❤

[@lindamazibuko1430]

Thank you so much for this video. I do have the dismissive avoidant traits, and sometimes the thoughts of a dismissive just make sense like there is no other truth beside theirs. This is definitely something to journal and reflect on. Thank you.

[@ilyannemendez3040]

Yes!! Second part of this video would be great!!🙏

[@tricialn9317]

Yes! A follow up would be helpful. Thank you for your work!

[@regular21930]

This is something I was waiting for.. Yes I would love to see a follow up

[@AmitRoy-mx2vu]

This is a really good channel! Descriptions and explanations of attachment styles are definitely very intuitive and easy to grasp. Something interesting to note is that i would have never guessed the quality and depth of these videos from the thumbnails - I had skipped over some of these videos despite multiple recommendations from KZbin.

[@erinh6239]

You're so good at explaining these attachment dynamics. Thank you for figuring out how to use your gift. You've helped my relationship with my DA so much. (also love that you're Canadian! We live in Calgary).

[@melanieamini-hajibashi6852]

Hi Thaia, I just wanted to say thank you for making these videos and content. You articulate ideas very well that are easy to understand but in an empathetic and compassionate way that it not attacking an individual with varying attachment styles. Awesome! A follow up video would be great, simply to learn more!

[@btcgod5451]

your videos are amazing. wish I had come across them sooner.

[@mEsSINwiTDaHoOK]

I just started listening to your videos a few days ago, I'm shocked how accurate some of these avoidant descriptions are and very excited to learn more and hopefully change my possible FA ways. Thank you, excellent presentations, easy to listen to, don't change a thing. Your background makes you so much more real as well, thank you for sharing.

[@cryslaw100]

Found you on Dr.Caroline Leaf podcast and this is so helpful. Life changing and looking into the courses. I didnt know I had attachment issues until I went through Empowered to Connect course for my adopted kids and attachment 🤪 yes, please do a follow up. I've had issues in my past with cheating once

[@andreasieffert2322]

Wow! Thank you for this! Very informative and helpful. I'm doing my best to understand why my partner cheated. I understand one part of it but I realize there is so much more to it which is also what our therapist is working on with us. Watching this gives me a deeper insight into another one of the reasons for the cheating.

[@Higher-Veda]

Yes, please follow up on what to do in these situations. I'd love to expand on this series.

[@pinkette]

Would definitely love a what to do part thanks.

[@AF-nh4qj]

You are amazing, (and beautiful). I love learning how to work on my DA style from your videos!

[@SilverGirlAu]

This... so spot on!!

[@valentinanocross8677]

This is great and looking forward to the next. This is what just happened to me over 3 months ago. I'm in no contact. He blocked me when I found him and told me I destroyed the relationship. Why the backward view? They really can't see their patterns can they?

[@smundixo]

Yes please do a follow up. So useful

[@mynamenotgiven5717]

Yes, please do a follow-up video. Thanks!

[@Arolbreaker]

The new camera/mic is so much better!!! You look even more stunning, Thais! Thanks for all you do.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sticking with us through all the cameras and mics!

[@Femininelovevibes]

Yes a follow up would be great ! It’s so sad that people actually do this.

[@cordeaniaknox4158]

It still feels very personal

[@ritapeters1330]

That is the same feeling I have for my DA, he also changed even having some parts of a covert narcisisst, greetings from Germany

[@CristinaaaMx]

WONDERFUL VIDEO.

[@georgieeve2026]

Wow this is so fascinating! Thank you :D I would love a follow-up. I could listen to you all day

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That's so kind of you to say, thank you

[@0Demiyah0]

Welp, last night, after 2,5 years of dating, I caught him red-handed setting a date with someone while we moved in together just a month ago. I feel so betrayed. That does feel like the killshot.

[@resueah7257]

Bit late but so sorry

[@cordeaniaknox4158]

I caught my DA as well

[@0Demiyah0]

@@cordeaniaknox4158 so sorry this happened, I wish you all the best. Always put yourself number one. In some cases, a conversation to restore is still possible. I am still together with my DA.

[@dickbandanaken]

such a great channel. we love what you do here

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you!

[@dickbandanaken]

Ocean I think you kinda stuck this comment in the wrong spot, but sure

[@josephzita5263]

Would absolutely love to see a Followup series! This is so useful. Thank you Thais. I get so much out of your channel.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for the kind words. Happy to hear you're getting so much out of it

[@evelyncaday9845]

Yes please do a follow up video! Love this video. I've been watching literally all of your videos

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you so much for the support. These types of comments keeps us motivated to keep creating more content

[@evelyncaday9845]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool you're always welcome. You really helped me and my partner get through so much. I shared this video with him and many others. He and i has become so much stronger because of you. Its truly amazing to hear your knowledge

[@divinenoor7163]

I'm really confused about the way DA's operate, the ones that cheat especially. So, if they are afraid of commitment, closeness, emotions, voulnerability, feelings, etc., Then how is it that they are cheating? Because obviously once they start a relationship with someone else, the third party eventually would want all of the things that they are avoiding or afraid of? Then how does cheating gonna help? It's like they open another disastrous gate? Any idea?

[@pinkaa17]

you don't always start a relationship with someone you cheated with, could be a one night stand. An unaware DA will often mistake their deactivating for falling out of love and believe with the right person, they won't feel the need to distance themselves.

[@Ina_ei]

If it’s long time affair it also lacks intimacy the same way as it lacks in main relationship of DA. It’s like you have 4 apples and you scared to put it in 1 main box so you put 2 apples in main box and 2 apples in side box, all your apples are in boxes so for you it’s all good and safe, but for “boxes” it may be not enough and if it is and “The box” complains or express constant dissatisfaction DA will take his 2 apples and find another “box” to put it there and avoid conflicts and uncomfortable talks.

[@Yararar]

@@pinkaa17 ahh you hit me right on the spot. I’ve had those thoughts as a person who displays DA behaviors, I’ve had these thoughts that maybe I’m just not with the right person, even though I adore my boyfriend..doesn’t make sense

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@pinkaa17 They totally believe that.

[@littlehoss]

When cheating, a DA is likely to choose someone who is either unavailable emotionally or maybe married. This way they can have some of their needs met, have some fun, but avoid being vulnerable and avoid true emotional intimacy. As soon as feelings get involved they'll likely end things.

[@kiwami2410]

Love all your new videos, your program is so helpful. Thank you so much for putting time into explaining so many valuable aspects about each attachment type to us. I used to be an anxious type, but I've become more secure in the past year with self work. My current partner of almost 2 years is a DA, and I'm trying to see if this will work in the long run or not.

[@hej2800]

hey, did anything end up happening to you both?

[@kiwami2410]

@@hej2800 Five years later and we're still together, but it's been a bumpy ride, I'll be honest. If you're just starting, don't bother with a DA, it's not worth your time. However, if you're invested and they're willing to meet you halfway, it can work out, but it depends. My bf is not full blown DA, he's better at listening and not stone walling when there's a conflict, and I think something that really helped us was somatic healing. Highly recommend it if you can get access to it. It helps heal your trauma wounds and subconscious patterns, not a cure, but it helps you start working on issues within yourself.

[@boooootch]

Yes! More!

[@saraho1313]

Yes, please do a follow up on how to prevent this!

[@imooyeohiolebo5047]

I think trust in a relationship is overrated. When my husband started getting frequent night calls, i would ask and he would just wave off those calls as unimportant. At a time i could take no more of his lies, i decided i deserve to know what was going on. A friend of mine referred me to this great ethical hacking team( Cyberhackingsage@gmail ) who helped clone his cellphone without having to touch the device. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad i found out all his secrets and infidelity and how he planned on using this pandemic to get back to me. I got access to his Facebook, iMessage, GPS location, WhatsApp, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed App on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. If you need help or that little bit of closure, i advice you get in touch with them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on [phone]...thank me later.

[@Strengthandhope]

Excellent information. Looking forward to part 2 video. Please, please, slow your speaking so I may better follow your content. Thank you!

[@KP-mw6cx]

You can change the playback speed just FYI. If on mobile click the three dots > then click “playback speed” then choose what you want. 👍🤓

[@BrokenSofa]

Much better sound now 😊

[@droflivelife]

My DA ex was texting guys behind my back, her fb posts were seeking attention and never had me in them. Her male friends were people who were attracted to her or people who she has been naked with and she still wanted to convince me it was innocent and got annoyed I didn't approve.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

The hairy harem is a back up plan. If you are not behaving or are mad she will get her attention there. Doesnt need to be that she is cheating. Just a safety net.

[@droflivelife]

@Idontfeellikedancing but one day it will lead to cheating physically. This is still cheating emotionally.

[@Heavenlysky89]

I left and took my attention away

[@TatiTalks]

The net need for connection was very eye-opening for me. Makes a lot of sense. xD

[@pubalikalita4940]

Even if I have freaked out my DA didn't disrespect me . He listens and even sometimes he accepts his mistakes . He clarifies when I rationally ask him or confront him stuffs . No doubt the emotional support I need is still lacking but I can see my DA changing but not in a way I want but he is being more compassionate . He is a good human being actually a great . I want to spend my entire life with him even if sometimes it's difficult for me to deal with him but it's ok I have become way more independent than before . I am in control of my emotions . I feel strong and powerful ❤️🙏. PS : You just need to know how to deal with them they need room for change they can change just it takes time till then you can grow your patience skill which is necessary in life . 🙏

[@SouleStunningCleans]

Thank you

[@a.llewellyn]

.. when I think about it, I feel sad for these people that want that love and closeness but can't seem to accept it because it hurts so much or they're fearful..? whether they are aware of their .. habits and tendencies or not. That would be an awful way to feel and live your life. Atleast to me other attachments appear to.. not always.. experience more depth and range to their emotions or atleast others seem to have the ability to have more meaningful relationships with others. .. I cannot fathom feeling like that.. Please be kind ❤️. The world is dark enough without others being hateful. Have standards for yourself of course, and know when to leave an unequal/unfulfilling or unhappy relationship.. but sometimes the DAs aren't the only ones who need an.. awakening? Insight to their ways? That's just my opinion. We are all in this together. ❤️

[@bobbiwilliam6811]

TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : [phone]. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.

[@smashtaylor4436]

i dont feel sad. cuz they are hurting other people. like its ok to be hurt but as soon as u turn around and hurt others knowingly then your kinda shit. i feel like if they want empthy then they should give it. it seem like they are just lazy and selfish, i wish i could protect myself from harm but i cant. like i exprece pain all the time. feel bad for their partners the people ACTUALY suffering. If i light myself on fire dont cry for me

[@colinc5531]

Yes you right but that doesnt justify bad behavior....cheating is very deceitful and heartbreaking...as adults we know right from wrong...im sorry but DAs do not get a pass for doing that

[@a.llewellyn]

No one should get a pass with cheating..

[@colinc5531]

@@a.llewellyn facts

[@kenettefiel3638]

Its funny how you can tell that the one whom dislike this vid is a denial DA 😅 i know not all of this characteristics is present but some do. Anyways thanks for the great video, can we get more follow up on this topic please 😊

[@susanpaquin1631]

I know this is a year later did you end up making those other videos I’m interested in watching them what are they called I need all the help with my DEA partner

[@dannywholuv]

As if these DAs couldn't be more deplorable 😳

[@kshas3]

Dealing with this rn. Didn’t even realize she was DA until affair was caught by me. 2.5 weeks from d-day. Emotional roller coaster.

[@milleraa7712]

Well, i am mostly secure in relationships however i have both FA and DA tendencies. Lately ive been noting DA in myself and it absolutely comes from constantly meeting others but them not trying to meet mine. I feel like im being drained of my attention, of my energy, of my caring and it doesnt seem to be enough. I am not a cheater (ive been cheated on and it sucks) but i dod cut people offf if i constantly have to explain myself and they just dont want to get it. I crave for space because i feel too much pressure from the people around me while i have to deal with health issues that if i dont stay on top of they really take a tolll on me. I dont think its selfish at all to ask your partner for space as long as u are present when u spend time with them. If u are sure the person is cheating thats one thing but dont aleays assume that is a person eants some time to theirselves they wanna cheat on u.

[@chickletmonstah]

Agreed. I’ve witnessed one Female DA tried so hard to stay with her narcissistic DA partner to the point she became a shadow of herself. She emotionally cheated, because her needs were nonexistent to him while she lived for him and gave her all.

[@Timurlane64]

Was there ever a part 2?

[@DaBlenda]

Thank you so much Thais, this all makes so much sense to me and validates my intuition about the situation I’m in. I would definitely love a follow up video because, even though I can usually see pretty clearly why they do what they do, what I struggle with is knowing the tangible, day to day ways I can respond to it in a way that is more helpful. Basically, it’s sometimes easier to see what someone else is doing, but not as easy to see my own role in it, or to know how I could be handling it differently...

[@pi2771]

I just think these videos shouldn't be interpreted as an excuse to justify their cheating. If they do that it is hurtful and horrible and there is nothing to do with it. The problem is that these videos are misinterpreted and taken as, reassurance to validate anxious people tolerating such a low behave. It is important to understand that just because this video explains why they cheat it doesn't mean da are justified and it isn't by any means an invitation to accept this.

[@DaBlenda]

I wasn’t talking about cheating for my own situation, but I will say that it is not anybody’s place to tell me what I should accept or not accept within a relationship. We all have to decide for ourselves what we are willing to forgive and work through.

[@ko.lee_asmr]

What can I find the "what to do to prevent" video like this that you mentioned?

[@tiagoguerreiro131]

Does anyone know where the second part is?

[@nimblenetwork9111]

To point 3: the shame felt can also be self-shaming as ascribed to a partner - eg I let them down and I’m now ashamed (subconsciously). Also perceiving neutral statements as critical, eg: has the dog been out, heard as you didn’t take out the dog and you should have. So the shame and criticism felt can be completely generated in the DAs mind rather than objectively true. Double bind for the partner of a DA.

[@jurgenwehner3607]

Harmless and even playful/joking things became ‘criticism’ and created reactance a few years into the relationship; I was walking on eggshells and developed severe anxiety.

[@jodil7]

do they do it to self sabotage & stop the anxious avoidant from smothering them? I will watch…

[@dainnims]

My DA husband of 18 years cheated on me with an ex from 20 ago, she’s an AP. I don’t understand that. Why jump from a secure relationship to an insecure one if a DA wants stability.

[@kk8490]

some people just cheat as a one night stand or a fwb or f*ckbuddy arrangement. and AP and DAs are very attracted to each other initially. so he may have been having sex with her but he may not have planned any long term relationship with her when the cheating first occurred.

[@Ina_ei]

Ex and forbidden things have specific attraction and many avoidants romanticize it. Like the One you deeply care about but can’t be together because of “some excuse like we have different life paths or some life obstacles drove us apart… or… we never realized how insignificant was problems what made us break up it was true feelings blah blah“. Probably all films of Makoto Shinkai are based on this fantasy. True relationships and available love is scary for those who asked it with open vulnerable heart as a child and felt whole pain of being rejected and punished for it. Even idea of it hurts as much as then.

[@roberttruman8444]

Because the DA does not want stability.

[@Forexroadrunner]

Why do they even bother? They need to pay prostitutes

[@emiliabergamasco9734]

They do...they go to porn.

[@hilarytaylor8149]

Are narcissists usually dismissive avoidants ?

[@BABANUKI212]

no dismisve avoidants have narcisstic tendencies

[@edgreen8140]

Sometimes. I know I will get flack for this. I've been a psychologist for 40 years.

[@79paddysirl17]

Try the sabotage of leaving a marriage to go back to a phantom ex and move him in with the kids...like.. f*&Kin WOW-even after the SO turned up for the marriage and was mid-healing their own AA. Narcissism too..betrayal, lies, deceit..passed of like its nothing.(discarded)..then tries to be friends as they face the divorce cost.(even explained about their childhood trauma and why they see their phantom-ex as safe....LOL) FML

[@colscary]

what can i do if a da feels like she is trapped in a relationship?

[@airbubble.]

My DA did the whole "Don't get attached to me", "You should see other people" and then "Needing space" just a few months into our relationship. By this point he was rekindling his relationship with his toxic manipulative ex who he is now back together with. She's a massive drama queen, and I'm fairly sure he feels "safe" with her because she fulfills the need in him to "fix things" for her to gain approval that his flakey mother didnt give him when he was a child. Bizarrely she is older than him AND has modelled herself to look like his mother. I am MUCH older than him (actually old enough to be his mother!) and we have an 8 year previous close friendship based on that dynamic, which suddenly shifted after he spent an extended period of time away, then came back and reconnected with me. No more "mother" feelings after that! ;) He's very immature emotionally and scared half to death of having intense feelings of his own. She also suits him in that way as she is very shallow and doesn't worry much about physical/emotional intimacy from him because she's sleeping with everything with a pulse, behind his back. I'm fairly certain he probably knows this and doesn't care much as it means he doesn't have to do it himself! EVERY time he starts a new relationship this pattern emerges, and EVERY time he goes back to her quite quickly, despite the fact that she irritates him massively and when he is no longer feeling vulnerable, or engulfed, he breaks up with her again. His rebound to her (I suppose you could call it cheating initially) is not a concern of mine as that's the dance they have to do, to bring him back around. He needs to realign his own story that she is toxic and they don't work well as a couple, for him to realise that she isn't what he wants. Her manipulation is a constant. It's who she is. She wants their relationship purely for her own ego and needs, rather than a loving attachment, and she'll quite happily climb over anything and everybody to achieve it. He always said he felt safe with me, but I can only assume that safety was threatened when our relationship dynamic altered and he possibly started to develop more intense feelings for me. Luckily I'm 100% secure - no bits of other attachment styles in there. So although the break-up and the continuing attempts to pretend I dont exist hurt, I know deep down he is probably acting from a place of shame and confusion so I'm sitting tight waiting for the parameters to shift back and his return. I'm refusing to let him ignore me completely, and make efforts to stay connected in a none-threatening way, quietly in the background so he knows I haven't abandoned him. I'm more concerned about the 8 years of bonding and trust that we had, and he couldn't even give me half an hour to explain how I was trying to protect him. Immediately prior to our break-up, his ex asked me to talk with him and find out where he felt they were going etc and report back to her what he was saying, feeling and how much he knew about her "other life" and so on. She told me she wanted to know who his new partner was so she could break them up. She didn't realise it was me! When I refused, because that's not the sort of person I am, she told him I was a threat to him, and within ten minutes I was out of his life! I so wish he could know I was never a threat to him, but to HER! Rebuilding that trust is going to take some time and patience. But anyhow, I wait...... I love him, I don't want anybody else, and I know I have the tools to help him grow and become more secure which I am certain is the unfulfilled need he saw in me. He always said he admired my confidence. My agenda is purely the love I have for him, and to support him to achieve that goal. If we have to start again as friends, so be it. If it never develops past that, well that's something I will come to terms with. To all the DAs and FAs reading this, dont give up. There are many like me out there. I hope you find one. You can grow and become more secure. You just have to close your mind to the negative story for long enough to be open and honest and risk a little vulnerability, to allow your partner the opportunity to understand your story and commit to helping you work on positive growth. Which if they love you, they will do. They love you, and they want to help you to love them too. Good luck all.

[@boooootch]

Ummmm.... you’re lying to yourself.

[@airbubble.]

@@boooootch Interesting input. But no, sorry to burst your bubble etc, I'm not lying to myself. I have no reason to. I've survived 2 abusive marriages and losing a partner to cancer. I have no problems with walking away from bad relationships, and have used my experiences as a positive learning curve. I try to see the good in everybody, but accept that people have flaws and some cannot be helped. Relationships are like buses. If you miss one, another will come along soon enough. I've raised four children on my own and fostered dozens of others all of whom came to me with issues, who are now wonderful adults with happy lives. I'm a caring, compassionate, intelligent, successful person and have no doubts about my own self worth or identity. I'm not really likely to fall at the fence of being put aside by one bloke with attachment issues, am I? I've never struggled to form new relationships, so I'm not projecting from a position of low self-esteem or desperation. I'm completely honest with the people I interact with, as I believe in starting from a position of transparency in order to facilitate trust, so I'm unlikely to lie to myself. Did I not say above that I am perfectly ready to accept that our relationship as it had become may not happen again? It is the disconnect that troubles me. I know my guy and his family dynamic including the trauma he suffered, very well, as I watched the end of it play out, and supported him (and his siblings) through it and always assured him that I would never turn my back on him. I dont intend to start now. If I can survive having every bone in my face being broken by somebody who claims to love me, I'm damned sure I can sit back and wait for a man I KNOW loves me and has never hurt me before, to come to terms with how he feels and make his way back to me when he's processed his emotions. I dont NEED him in my life, I WANT him there. There's a difference. Perhaps you should work on your own issues, before projecting your cynicism incorrectly on strangers on the internet? Not everybody has a hidden motive. Generally speaking, if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, its probably a duck.

[@70Mishi]

Same thought I had after reading this. After the second or third paragraph there was a lot of contradictions. Definitely lying to herself

[@airbubble.]

@@70Mishi There are no contradictions in what i am saying. Another armchair critic who just can't believe there are those of us out there who are perfectly able to process their pain in a healthy way and not walk away just because they themselves would be unable to. Sounds like a bit of projection on your part tbh The most annoying part of a break-up I have found is the "outside influence" that are quick to step in and tell either party what they should or shouldn't be doing, going forward, based on their OWN biases and opinions, which are very rarely derived from the best interests and personalities etc of the couple involved. All too often, either/both parties make the mistake of listening to these people and make their break-up permanent based on that. You sound like one of them. Have you ever met me? Him? Then its unlikely you know anything about us. On that basis, save your judgement.

[@napoleansolo5849]

These ppl need help

[@saudalkalami5613]

This is related to, an APs insecurity, jealousy and Anxiousness and DAs deactivation or moving on. I am an AP and my ex is DA. During the break up talk I ended up asking something inappropriate/insensitive/crossed boundaries, basically about when she last masturbated, and while she told me that, in my anxiousness I further asked her if she imagined me, she didn't want to answer that, that only triggered me further because she always used to tell me she's not over her ex, she still loves him, but knows they can't be together and that whenever they meet while not dating others, they make out. She also said during that conversation that she can't emphathise with me anymore and she doesn't care that I'm hurt coz she feels indifferent because of how I was victimising myself and in doing so manipulating her to accept me in some way. These are very sensitive and personal questions, however, considering all of the above I'm trying to understand if she has really moved on or was she just deactivating?

[@michaelcolvin8702]

How can you stop them mine always did and accused me a lot

[@jeanjean4245]

I was with a DA, the best way to help her is to leave her as long as it takes to let her understand that she's the problem not you , she will be more and more depressed till she has to go to a psychiatrist , it can take years, but do NOT CONTACT HER FOREVER , till she apologize , and get the control back over your life.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@jeanjean4245 They will replace most likely.

[@gloriecco]

@@jeanjean4245You’re definitely right!! As a former FA it took me getting to that place to become aware of what was going on and to heal. The best thing you can do to help an avoidant is to leave them alone until they get in so much pain that they have no choice but to become aware.

[@TimothyJohnsonYouTube]

FCK ... She is so accurate about me 😅

[@alyssakrazigirl]

My ex is a dismissive avoidant & we broke up about 2 years ago. I was young & stupid & didn’t understand his needs & he didn’t understand mine either (I had an anxious attachment style at the time). The day after the breakup he started dating this girl & after a year of not speaking to me he reached out to me & it turned into him cheating on her with me. She seems to be perfect for him in the sense of encouraging him & supporting him so I don’t understand y he keeps cheating on her with me? & she just stays with him? So is that still being supportive or is that like another anxious attachment style like me & is bound to end like mine & his relationship? Meaning it’s a codependent thing?

[@maryellenlawrie1991]

My ex DA cheated on me, but he texts me and tells me he misses me, while he's still with her! I think he's looking for validation.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

These man are narcs.

[@kayaxe]

How do I figure out my ex intentions of reaching out during no contact? To be friends? For ego stroke? Or she had thoughts of trying things agn? Or to check if theres this possibility? Coach says that I have to figure out but idk how. And obviously, esp for DA, you dont want to explicitly bring in the topic of the rs until much later or a few dates later. Is there a way for me to figure out her intentions, be it from our casual texting (after she indirectly reached out), or asking her out?

[@tricialn9317]

Find out what you want first after examining the prior relation first. What they want should not apply here. Been there. Lots of love

[@georgieeve2026]

Thais has lots of videos on her channel. I would recommend watching the ones on how each "attatchment style handles a break up and no contact." :) Definitely worth it, and will give you much better insight. She is the professional after all :p Your first thoughts should be centred around what you truly want and need first. Otherwise you can be easily persuaded or overly focused on meeting your ex's needs first (and not your own).. which will continue an unhealthy cycle. Figure out what your boundaries would be if you were going forward with this person (whether it be in a partnership, friendship). Regarding the reaching out during "no contact" - it depends on how long the no contact period was for, and if it was a true agreed upon "no contact," or just an assumed period, or just a period in which neither persons were talking to eachother. It can also depend on who initiated the no contact. Reaching out during a true no-contact period can be a a few things (and would depend on their attatchment style too): - The person is highly anxious and needs to calm their primal nervous system which has gone into overdrive, and/or the person is in crisis, and/or extremely uncomfortable being alone. - For want of a better way to say, yes, it can be a type of "ego stroke." - Yes, to test the waters. There are MANY other reasons too, though. Each case is unique. Personally, I would just ask the person what their intentions are (AFTER you have worked out what you want, need and what your boundaries are). That is a completely normal and healthy dialogue to have with someone. If you cannot have authentic communication between yourself and the other person, then there really isn't a solid foundation to build anything from. She herself may not consciously know what her intentions are, and/or she may not tell the truth when you ask (fear of rejection, or fear of being exposed). But there is no harm in asking, so long as you ask in a kind, open way (rather than in an accusatory and defensive tone).

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/p6O5ZYinbt6miZI

[@kayaxe]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you so much :) you mentioned that there will be a video to figure out if a DA would like get back together for good, open for reconnection. Ive been looking for that video, Is there one out yet? Thank you!

[@kayaxe]

@@tricialn9317 Thank you Trish :)

[@stormfalcon72]

Should I reach out to my Dismissive Avoidant ex after over two months of no contact? No begging, crying or any protest behavior. Agreed to respect the breakup and her request for space. Did not accept the friend request but would be prepared to communicate lightly and friendly if she contacted me. I’m concerned that if I reach out it will appear needy and weak and devalue myself even further in her eyes.

[@bg370z9]

I’d let her reach out to you, when/if she’s ready. Then you don’t have to worry about looking weak or needy. Go live your life and be happy.

[@bg370z9]

Sorry, I just realized this post is 3yrs old. lol. I hope everything has worked out well for you.

[@laurengraves]

Start 1:21

[@penniroyal4398]

He had no issues getting his needs met sexually! And yet he still ghosted me, flew out of state with us boss on a “business” trip which he never told me about but she posted it on her FB page then bought them a house that they then flew back to where we lived packed up his things drove away and ghosted me! That was after he lived with me for 6 months. He got rid of the house he was renting I guess since she was going to buy him a house 😡 when I took screen shots of his boss’s posted of her new home he blocked me and ghosted me now it’s been 6 months. And yes he use to tell me he loved me all the time! And this is coming from a man that is 65 years old 😂

[@dr.bonscott3962]

Do you think a dismissive avoidant female would cheat while being drunk,.. with a stranger, (honestly unattractive guy) 4yrs into a relationship- faithfully to the best of my knowledge anyways. ... She "cant remember" 😔 why her and some dude walked out of a bars' men restroom to find me waiting, as I expected her to come out of the ladies room. - she cries and feels horrible, but what are the chances she actually cheated.. as of rn, I dont know how long they were in there... if they just made a stupid decision and were chatting.. not realizing the optics. He also "doesnt remember".. I've come from anxious preoccupied to being pretty close to secure... but now this has me questioning everything

[@bobvincent2251]

I have always suspected my wife was cheating on me. We have been married for 12 years now and its been a smooth ride until last year when she changed and started seeing other men. A friend of mine linked me up with a great hacker ultimate Hack who helped me hack into her phone, I had complete access to her phone right on my device and I could monitor all her activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, her location, call logs, text messages and all. I was left with no other choice.I loved my wife so much and I just dont know why she chose to betray me, I have been a good husband and never for once cheated on her. I tracked her down to a hotel where I found her with another man . You can contact them at ultimatehack003 at gmail or Whatsapp [phone] or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into her phone without even touching her phone.I have enough evidence against my wife now and I am thinking of Filing for divorce. I want advice from men and other women on here, should I give her another chance because of our kids or file for divorce ? We have a 9 months old baby

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Oh man, that doesn't look good.

[@dr.bonscott3962]

I'm still torn about it, amongst other things. I'm honestly not sure we are gonna move past everything together. It breaks my heart, but my sanity has been suffering dramatically since.

[@PeteJames-ol4ws]

Double black out! Right😅

[@aroojaziz]

So abnormal behaviour Extremely hard to tolerate

[@michaelcolvin8702]

How do you get them not to cheat?

[@smashtaylor4436]

i have a DA partner and he wont leave me alone about sleeping with other people. he used to habitually cheat, and he said he wanted to heal this. but he is always asking about opeeing the relationsip. should i just let himeto it ????

[@sjb2105]

I think it’s fair to say that all attachment styles can cheat!

[@derekazyan9942]

So avoidants are selfish. Got it.

[@penniroyal4398]

He had no issues getting his needs met with me 😂 and yes he was cheating. I found out I was the “other woman” even though he lived with me and I stayed with him several times a month in hotels and his house before he got rid of it when he was getting ready to move out of state.

[@soulburning2000]

So hot

[@kenettefiel3638]

Its funny how you can tell that the one whom dislike this vid is a denial DA 😅 i know not all of this characteristics is present but some do. Anyways thanks for the great video, can we get more follow up on this topic please 😊

[@bobbiwilliam6811]

TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : [phone]. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.