A Christian Mom Re-Wrote Harry Potter (and I read it because I love to suffer)

[@morgoth_bauglir]

Αch yes, Voldemort: The world's most famous reddit atheist

[@puppetperson7612]

I legit cant wait for the final showdown

[@morgoth_bauglir]

@@katinkaherbal8236 bold of you to assume Voldemort was ever straight

[@wesday3652]

@@katinkaherbal8236 JK Rowling rewrites a new character as gay every few weeks/months

[@ami876]

@@morgoth_bauglir Clearly he and Quirrel were a thing

[@barbararab6390]

How can you forget his iconic fedora

[@AlienBusDriver1]

not calling the school godwarts was a huge mistake

[@eloryosnak4100]

WHY DOES THIS HAVE SO FEW UPVOTES

[@t0adfa1ry]

@@eloryosnak4100 likes* This isn't reddit

[@Kian.murphy007]

Not calling the school Satan's gates was a big mistake ALL HALE SATAN

[@AlienBusDriver1]

@@Kian.murphy007 FUCK YEAH HAIL SATAN!!!!!!

[@OwlGypsy]

Nooo because that implies God has warts and that would be sacrilege

[@SilveredMoth]

"Every women is another man's future wife" Stares into the camera with gay despair

[@idkdude1118]

*Aromantic despair*

[@rainmer471]

@@idkdude1118 saaame tbh

[@recklessroges]

11:36 #giffable

[@wishtopublish]

"Remember kids: the only reason to respect women is because she is the future property of a man!"

[@xmlthegreat]

@@wishtopublish "Hippity hoppity, this woman is now my property!" -Jesus Christ, I think.

[@ParadoxFree]

The three pillars of atheism: Science, socialism, and birthdays.

[@r0b0b0t8]

and the sub-pillar under science; evolution

[@LevitheEldritchAbomination]

oh god BIRTHDAYS!

[@towelgirl21]

As a Christian, I've never heard anything bad about birthdays. I'd be a way less-uptight Gryffindor Hat and the birthday thing came out of nowhere for me.

[@UwUImShio]

​@@towelgirl21 there are some christians/jehovah's witnesses that don't celebrate birthdays if I remember correctly

[@towelgirl21]

@@UwUImShio I know Jehovah's Witnesses don't, but the author def wasn't talking about them here.

[@clowntown1017]

*"Harry Potter and The Body Of Christ."*

[@kingofallfrogs]

Yes.

[@willowashe]

Harry Potter and the Half-Jewish Pope

[@Gator_Queen8188]

"Harry Potter and the holy corpse"

[@arden.in.the.garden]

Harry Potter and the Holy Spirit

[@pidgeoncrossing963]

your profile picture... i have never came so hard

[@BirdPeopleArentReal]

"Ronald cries into his oatmeal" Why does this seem completely out of character, yet something Ron would _definitely do_

[@kailavanderwielen3588]

Ron as a child, distraught over a prank Frank and George played on him. he's about five years old and thinks his brothers hate him. Mrs. Weasley is bustling around the kitchen, reassuring him his brothers absolutely love him. Mr. Wesley comes in late and gets a stern lecture from his wife, then gets super awkward around the crying Ron. He pulls out a Muggle toy: a remote control car and cheers Ron up with it, showing him how to work the controls. This Muggle toy runs on magic, not batteries. Ron is happy and plays with it for approximately .5 seconds before Fred and George accidentally break it. Mrs. Weasley, despite her better judgment, repairs it with her wand in secret, making Ron promise not to tell anyone she's fixed it. This later sets the scene for Ron to drive the flying car with Fred and George in it. :)

[@BlueGangsta1958]

Ron eating oatmeal doesn't sound right. Considering English breakfast, I'd expect him to cry in his bacon.

[@iamscaredofbread4357]

@@BlueGangsta1958 tbf I knew few English people who have a full English breakfast on the regular, I feel like it reads wrong because we call it porriage and that sounds infinatley more British than oatmeal and therefore more Ron.

[@crowskinned]

a Ron Weasley who's older than 11 would probably have been the one who talked himself to tears. Also, he'd continue eating.

[@emiliew5553]

i think it's because she said 'ronald' and the person saying 'ronald' wasn't McGonigall

[@anaribeiro6615]

It's Harry Potter, but instead of British witches they are American Christian cowboys with creepy smiles

[@artemisfowldragon]

guess which aesthetic I prefer

[@alicedarhk9790]

American Horror Story: the Christianing

[@artemisfowldragon]

@Weird Trixibelle yeah I know, I've seen the post. but come on. tell me the brits don't have *a e s t h e t I c* when they get all magical and shit

[@ELBERTOO]

alpha reaperion *we are the aesthetics of M A G I C*

[@artemisfowldragon]

@@ELBERTOO precisely

[@onyxth3ripper]

Once a girl in my class shared her 500 page fan fiction (hand written) with me. I'll use 4 words to describe it all: Hagrid was canonicly Jesus. Edit: I found out that the girl who did this passed away recently, so all of the new replies if there will be any, please be respectful. She was pretty weird but was nice and had a good, kind heart.

[@aaroncabatingan5238]

That sounds awesome lol

[@rat_queen7431]

Holy fucking shit Hagrid second coming REAL?

[@carolinamoralesgarcia4367]

Oooh i want to read it

[@somegoodsoup7008]

THIS GIRL WAS AHEAD OF HER TIME

[@CalamitasBrimstoneWitch]

I WOULD READ THAT. Hagrid as Jesus is so funny and yet makes so much sense based on his personality. I'm not even christian lol-

[@selkie2sato396]

"You're a Christian now, Harry." every christian mom when their child is born

[@tudor1693]

thats why they call upon god when in labor

[@micabicaldo]

Sounds like the baptisms I’ve witnessed

[@unclekanethetiberiummain1994]

Everybody knows women can't birth children by themselves. God just shove his hand there, grabs the baby and then yanks it out.

[@gothicwebby2097]

Uncle Kane the tiberium main obviously! How else would it happen? Those bogus doctors?

[@axo7389]

This is true. Can confirm

[@internettraveler8666]

This reads like if the original aunt petunia wrote Harry Potter

[@kealchsfactory7492]

As opposed to Rita Skeeter who was the original writer

[@eggtemperaa]

LITERALLY WTF

[@mollygustafsson7546]

@Kealch's Factory Did you just call JK Rowling Rita Skeeter because honestly i agree

[@consumption3327]

Molly Gustafsson well, Rita Skeeter is like a desperate fanfic writer, and after Cursed Child, JK Rowling isn’t that far off lmao

[@sophiesometimessews]

Kealch's Factory it was obviously Gilderoy Lockhart who stole Hermione’s essays and released them into the muggle world to get enough money to shrink himself to the size of a mouse

[@PureSniperWolf]

Can we take a moment to appreciate that Christian Mama Author is obviously thirsty for Mr. Snape?

[@hdbordercollie]

definitely not good for their family

[@astortawa804]

Undercover member of the Snapewives cult /j

[@theoddishmushroom1534]

It’s giving snapewife energy

[@hellspawnstudios]

I remember reading this on my own (finally got past chapter 2 lol) and thinking, 'okay as long as they didn't butcher my man Snape it's fine', reaching his introduction, and going, 'THAT'S NOT SNAPE THAT'S NOT SNAPE THAT'S NOT SNAPE THAT'S NOT-'

[@CodyCLI]

You're saying she wants to see the solid snape? Sorry I'll leave.

[@maybemckenna]

HE HAS _SCIENCE_ AND _SOCIALISM_ AND _BIRTHDAYS_

[@eliasapollo4131]

Honestly that sounds wonderful

[@zackcolosky9908]

now that's my kinda night

[@eliasapollo4131]

Seize the means of birthday presents comrades 😤

[@monomakesmecrystill1252]

now that's some good shit tbh

[@barbararab6390]

*the horror*

[@ninjabuttocks]

“Birthdays aren’t Christian” that sounds like Jehovah’s Witness.

[@worm3041]

Well, it's true. Birthdays aren't christian. They're neutral

[@Dimetropteryx]

Christmas is canceled.

[@rainqueen4624]

"Birthdays aren't christian!" *continues to celebrate Jesus's birth*

[@one_smol_duck]

So does "Harry Potter isn't Christian" in the first place tbh

[@pippi2285]

@@rainqueen4624 Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate christmas either

[@julecaesara482]

"He wore dark leather shoes on both feet." How many people has this woman encountered who wear different shoes on each feet?

[@shroom_4856]

Oh, oh yeah

[@michaelturnage3395]

If she's a Pentecostal-probably almost everyone in her looney bin of a Church wore mismatched clothing. Top that with the freakish giggling and jittering.

[@WarmBreadBearBuddy]

She has had one two many “wacky Wensdays”

[@Subpar1224]

I know right, the urge to have at least two adjectives to describe the leather shoes caused her to add unnecessary detail I thought they were wearing a slipper and a leather shoe IMO

[@izzytwizzy6255]

Luna Lovegood

[@Void_Daddy]

I love it that the author tried so hard to replace the magic with prayer, they practically just ended up describing how Clerics work in D&D. Ah yes, it all makes sense now, Dumbledore is a level 20 Peace Cleric and used Heroes' Feast to summon the food. Hogwarts is just a Cleric school.

[@elizabethsmith7224]

A Harry Potter inspired DND campaign would be awesome tho.

[@CrowOfRoses]

i am sO ON IT

[@oakenshadow6763]

This comment. I love this comment.

[@BennettRDavis]

ItzzBayleyy tell me when you get it I need a campaign idea cause I think I’m dming next.

[@aeroblu2002]

I mean, prayer and miracles sound EXACTLY like magic, soooo...

[@finnsnyder8900]

"Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal" is a whole ass mood

[@beetle7710]

Yes

[@blacksheep1924]

I felt it in my GOD DAMN SOUL, and that saying something, cause I'm not entirely sure I have one.

[@angelamaryquitecontrary4609]

It's called 'porridge' in UK English.

[@blacksheep1924]

@@angelamaryquitecontrary4609 at least it ain't grits

[@shigekax]

I read ronald reagan and thought to myself "yes" while picturing the man crying

[@maddiegrace3939]

"dumbledore cried calmly" has the same energy as "dumbledore asked calmly"

[@NoNo-lt9bi]

DiD yOuFv PuT yOUR namE iN tHe gOoBlrt of FIRE!?!?!?

[@Yesmypfpismeirl]

@@NoNo-lt9bi you’re saying it wrong it’s not “DiD yoU pUt yOur NaMe iN tHe gObLet Of FirE” Its “HarRy HarrY! DiD yoU pUt YOur NamE iN tHe gOBLet Of FiRE”

[@nataliebarbosa7477]

*inhales* haRrY, HarRy, diD yEH pUt yA naMe iN tHe gOblEt oF fYAh!?”

[@DKlett1]

I can only imagine Dumbledore *WILDY SOBBING*

[@jaslynlee4405]

HARRY IM SAD

[@nqrtzy8765]

“Every young woman is another man’s future wife” The LGBT community: *ceases to exist*

[@ThreeNinjaDucks]

Be gone gays

[@shiny9690]

We don't feel so good...

[@totallynotpoisonedsoup8680]

* turns to dust *

[@joedean4698]

But I didn't say anything about another man's husband... Checkmate

[@jayanderson147]

and also, a woman only has value cause she belongs to a man, apparently

[@oldestdreamja]

me, a fanfiction writer: "everything I write is an absolute failure" *sees the thumbnail* me: "nevermind, everything I write is a beautiful literary masterpiece that can move anybody to tears.

[@thejuiceking2219]

this fic will likely be more famous than any of yours ever will

[@oldestdreamja]

@@thejuiceking2219 ouch, one fic of mine already reached 2500 hits on AO3. why be so damn rude? and just so you know, I competed in several contests already.

[@thejuiceking2219]

@@oldestdreamja oh, that's impressive...probably i don't do fanfic stuff

[@oldestdreamja]

@@thejuiceking2219 not fanfiction contests, if that's you think. like actual, school related poetry and literary contests.

[@BudgieCute]

someone else posted a really similar comment 2 years ago uhh

[@f1shb0n39]

Harry: Hugs a girl before marriage hagrid: yOU'rE a SiNNeR HaRrY

[@xx_somescenecath0lic_xx888]

F1shb0n3 LMBO

[@xx_somescenecath0lic_xx888]

F1shb0n3 #WaitingTillMarriageSquad

[@boomblor]

@@xx_somescenecath0lic_xx888 yeah im still waiting to breath, gotta wait till marriage! #WaitingTillMarriageSquad

[@xx_somescenecath0lic_xx888]

Blood Bath and Beyond LOLLLL I don't have hair yet! #WaitingTillMarriage

[@VioletsOnMars]

Hilarious! 🤣

[@DasSpaceAce]

I have the most hilarious mental image of Canon Hagrid just laughing hysterically at Christian Hagrid

[@funkydude8196]

Yes and Christian Hagrid looks like ps2 hagrid

[@galactic-hamster7043]

@@funkydude8196 but C O W B O Y

[@farateq]

and brolden’s hagrid just DYING

[@farateq]

darren’s harry and joey’s ron would be eating red vines half in disgust half in amusement

[@natasharules770]

This comment has 666 likes write now 😂

[@_sickbug]

" Ronald began to *cry into his oatmeal* " my morning routine

[@evankimsey7867]

Same, as also I love the pfp

[@michaelinthebathroom7560]

Hello Catra.

[@_sickbug]

@@michaelinthebathroom7560 hey adora

[@billystokes3917]

I prefer to cry into my frosted flakes.

[@deathbydrano]

Noice pfp btw

[@NeurospicyBitch88]

Christian Harry Potter reminds me of the time Ned Flanders read Harry Potter to his kid and was all like "And Harry Potter, and all of his wizard friends went straight to Hell for practicing Witchcraft!"

[@Nora-no9gx]

"Yay!"

[@Dani_yells24]

I like how they don’t have British accents anymore, if you’re Christian you have to have a southern accent. It’s a rule apparently

[@rosiedosies]

As a former Christian who lived near the south I can 100% confirm

[@danielleisaacs6237]

I like how theres a congress in britain

[@Mikanojo]

Until coming to America i did not know this was a "thing" but even though i am surrounded by people in the Mountain Northwest they STILL insist on preaching with a Southern accent ( o_0 )! So... this Nihonjin Christian from the North island of Hokkaido is working on that. Y'all.

[@idkman9696]

As a current Christian I can confirm

[@0XBlondie96X0]

I literally haven't ever heard of that omg

[@Scarleto]

"This poor little one has been raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day, his aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package like the big house, the fancy career, and the speedy car!" Well at least he didn't grow up in a cupboard under the stairs like that other kid.

[@xaldynnemo47]

She keeps bringing up the babysitter, too. If both parents worked, having a babysitter instead of just leaving their kids alone all the time sounds like *amazing* parenting. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the author is jealous of the babysitter her husband hired...

[@SunnyDragonfly]

@@xaldynnemo47 She didn't want to alienate the christian families that have so many kids that some do live under the stairs

[@Scarleto]

I'm honestly still wondering where Dudley is LOL

[@jasper3706]

"He's been raised in such a horrible situation! His aunt and uncle treat and love him like their own child, and constant individual supervision by a babysitter even when his parents are at work! Not to mention, they teach him about SCIENCE for FUN"

[@astrinymris9953]

@@Scarleto As a sinful feminist, Petunia decided to exercise her reproductive rights and never bore a biological child of her own. ;-D

[@lacrossestick132]

“Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal” is a more Ron sentence than any sentence in the original books, yet at the same time the least Ron sentence ever

[@ET--]

Plot twist , The mentioned ronald in this situation is .... Ronald Reagan

[@dumbfrap88]

I’m

[@So_Indecisive]

Maybe if the phrasing was different,it would work maybe ‘Ron began to sob into his porridge’ would work better or something like that

[@raffaelefrau9789]

They forgot his name is Ronald billius.

[@pinkdragon4830]

@@ET-- Ronald McDonald

[@annitanap3671]

I find it super ironic that Luna and other Hufflepuff hats are looked down on for only worshiping some of the Bible when Harry is literally sitting there eating bacon. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EATING PIG HARRY! WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?!

[@apple-macaron2576]

I KNOW RIGHT? Ahh yes, we listen to the entire bible, how dare you not?! But of course the entire bible is the convenient part only.

[@vicenteabalosdominguez5257]

He's christian, not jewish.

[@paulsander5579]

@vicenteabalosdomin In the bible god says what animals you can and can't eat, (something to do with coven hooves or something) Your not so post to eat pig, Horses tho? Go crazy

[@michaelhenry3234]

@@paulsander5579 Yes, but Christians believe that Jesus' sacrifice has unburdened humanity from those rules. Like, Christians no longer have to sacrifice animals to God (etc.) because Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice.

[@neoqwerty]

@@michaelhenry3234 Theene ewhy do they still insist homosexuality's a sin? They pick and choose out of convenience awfully often, is it or is it not supposed to be a thing? Also they think abortion bad when there's instructions on magic paternity-detecting abortion potion, so abortion is okay for infidelity, which is NEVER a proposed exemption on the chistians' abortion bans.... At least they could either pick all or none and be consistent, instead of wishy washy cherry-picking heretics. I'm the non-believer, I'm not supposed to know the bible's rules and the specifics of it better than them.

[@nernice_begrin]

“You’re a Christian Harry” I don’t think that’s how conversion works.

[@gardenofbone]

CONVERSION THERAPY!!!

[@sylvies5078]

@@gardenofbone DID SOMEBODY SAY SUMMER CAMP WITH PENCE?!

[@dumbpablo5755]

so... if this fanfic followed the story a lil bit more... harry would be destined to save christianity?

[@justanotheridiot6188]

That’s like a stranger coming up to me and saying “You’re straight Idiot” and me immediately go from being bi to 100% straight

[@awesomegaymer5786]

@@justanotheridiot6188 that's actually how bi people are made, someone walks up to them and says "you're straight" but then someone else walks up and says "you're gay" and then they're both, happened to me in 1994

[@clairesaunders5694]

"science, socialism, and birthdays" ah yes, the 3 sins

[@golden_starlight_]

the unholy trinity

[@actioncat2921]

The 3 genders

[@snekboop9687]

this comment sent me

[@paris5410]

I'm kind of into all three, but mostly socialism

[@AlyssaRicks]

No one tell the author that Jesus was a socialist lmao

[@dots612]

are we rlly not gonna talk about "Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal"

[@tomorrowsagitatortm2569]

Complete mood

[@chloe._.]

My favourite line. Ever

[@Korihor666]

So far the lunch is my favorite part Ron crying and Harry and draco arguing women shouldn’t have jobs but for different reasons each stupid in its own way...priceless. 😭

[@sbrooks9347]

The boy has salty oatmeal now

[@IrisCornelydeBoer]

I'm in a Quarantine Quote chat and I saw this absolute beaut without any context, and I think I could've lived without said context. But I'm glad to have obtained it.

[@camchameleon4151]

20:28 at my last Christian school, there was a teacher who taught upper elementary, and when she was lecturing a troublesome student, her version was, “look at me in my god-given eyeballs!” And every time I cringed just a little bit harder

[@elizabethsmith7224]

As a Christian that sounds hilarious.

[@towelgirl21]

Was she trying to make the kid laugh? It's just such weird phrasing XD

[@turtlegamer9818]

@@elizabethsmith7224 agreed

[@misxa6344]

👁️👁️ "look at me in my god given eyeballs!

[@conwaysquest6961]

God Gave her those eyeballs? what happened to the ones she was born with?

[@hhhemlock]

Why can I imagine Hagrid just pulling bibles out of his beard and handing them to random people on the street?

[@ivyg1515]

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared in shock as Hagrid walked down Privet Drive while pulling out bibles from his beard and handing them to the atheists on the street. "Hagrid," Hermione said, full of concern. "What...are you doing?" "YA'LL NEED JESÙS!" Hagrid screamed. "Oh, hello Hermione."

[@outtathepantry]

Pphhtt, yes. Also love the Bakugou pfp.

[@Zoe-bx9bp]

@@gwendolynwestwind9764 we had gideons show up at school and give everyone a pocket bible. By the end of the day, two were ripped up, two graffitied with pentagrams and stuff and one was burned at some point. I may be a Christian myself but schools should not have groups in trying to force it on others.

[@ashikjaman1940]

Gwendolyn Westwind One year a bunch of people outside my school were handing out pocket bibles. They gave one to a girl in a hijab and it was really awkward lmao

[@patom8327]

At my school in the entrance room the table in it had bibles on it. And by the end of the day they were thrown across the room. And as a Christian I picked up one still on the table and chucked it.

[@trashstorage1468]

I love how upon hearing that Christianity exists, Harry turns into a human bible.

[@1_atlas_7]

He is the chosen one

[@elechronic]

@@1_atlas_7 Harry Potter is now Jesus

[@raffaelefrau9789]

@@elechronic YES

[@bumblebeeproductions1673]

@@elechronic he was the second coming of Christ all along

[@dazzlingdexter5060]

LMBO 😂

[@zombietuna2590]

"She's a better writer than Onision, I will give her that" We all know how low that bar is. 😅

[@RuSosan]

That bar is so low that one would have to dig a tunnel to even get close to it. _A very, very, _*_VERY_*_ deep tunnel..._

[@gaesimp__]

Yes

[@frenchfry55]

@@RuSosan digging-down-into-the-earth's-core-until-you-burn deep, how low the bar is

[@bachpham6862]

Then again, she copy most of her homework from a competent writer.

[@Raximus3000]

There is a lower though, the author of "empress theresa."

[@THEphoney]

I love how Harry's parents are never mentioned, I imagine the marauders in their dorm one day yelling at the ceiling "FATHER GOD, PLEASE BLESS THIS MAP!" They likely wouldn't even call themselves the marauders, they'd call themelves preachers of God or something 💀

[@neoqwerty]

They're the Cathars 2.0 probably

[@effervescentapricot7522]

The Crusaders maybe?

[@patrickmcelrath4962]

@@neoqwertythe anode or the cathode

[@sr98851]

missionaries

[@seretonindealer9440]

Harry Potter turned me into an atheistic homosexual, so I can see why this mother was concerned 😌

[@jessicabraud3307]

Bro Hermione was my first gay crush. A girl who stands her ground, is very capable, is intelligent, and works hard? Sign me the hell up. I fell hard for her when watching the movies growing up and then loved her more when I finally read the books in 5th grade lol

[@mx.moobloom]

@@jessicabraud3307 same bro, I read the first book in like 3rd grade, but also in that same year I read the ever after high book series, and will not confirm nor deny having a crush on Raven Queen.

[@jorjaberry8730]

Lowest of Trash I relate so much!! My first girl crush was Ginny (book Ginny lol) I was completely head over heals lol!

[@rainmer471]

@@mx.moobloom Honestly same, except I will proudly admit my past crush on Raven Queen. Also Hermione, because how can you not? Also read the first book (and the next four because my parents wouldn't let me read the last two until I borrowed them from the library without asking) in third grade lol

[@atree9284]

Lowest of Trash hunny have you ever heard of our lord and savior JADE WEST?!?!

[@thisisthelukas]

Ah yes, the four houses: Christian, Catholic, Mormon, and Lutheran.

[@shiny9690]

Don't forget the underground nondenominational house

[@chickensweater1774]

I quit my life...... -we love this story-

[@georgiaderousse760]

Catholic Mormon and Lutheran are all denominations of Christian. Jesus Christ :|

[@owenb8596]

Thanks I was trying to figure out the other one

[@izzymarie8987]

Shronk Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, Lutheran

[@michaelwithay]

I really love that even though Ron was eating oatmeal he somehow spit out the bacon that Harry was eating

[@farateq]

harry spat so much it fell in ron’s mouth

[@blueshell292]

This is disgusting. Have a like

[@lilithsangrouber804]

Perhaps they were making out but the author didn't mention it

[@therat4890]

They were definitely snogging tho

[@Tobias_iscool]

**WhEeZe**

[@morgan1076]

turning Hermione into the opposite of a career woman is one of the funniest things I've ever heard

[@breindykohane6142]

I know!!! She is literally the defition of a future career woman!

[@xHerzAusStahlx]

The original Hermione is one of those characters who get the ending in which they have children because the author was trying to make some kind of point with it ("this is the trad happy end everyone expects, riiiight?", "the legacy has to go on", "the kid is supposed to accomplish something", "the world is finally safe so everyone absolutely has to have kids", "the world is not safe but people have kids despite it all"... whatever), but it feels really out of character because from what we have seen until this ending this person would have been *so* childfree 😅

[@Ӝ̵̨̄-з6м]

"Harry vocalized" has the same energy as calling eyes orbs

[@casperwashere]

Accurate

[@adamferguson4676]

Ciara :D well they technically are lol

[@starduststriker8792]

Broke: Eyes Woke: Orbs Bespoke: Balls

[@ninjacreeper1066]

@Emily Barclay Crucified: Ocular Globes

[@hellointernetitsphilsfirst9397]

For your consideration: Sight circles

[@AnaCarmo]

"Hermione called Dumbledore daddy" well that's a whole other fanfiction right there lol

[@steveholmes11]

Shudders!!!

[@clinging_to_the_sidewalk]

nOO

[@3veywevey]

yeah i took that line the wrong way, i had to skip back and figure it our lmaoo

[@thekameha1]

Oh no no no no no NO pls i hope nobody has made that fanfic

[@hypermecha5048]

One story at a time now lol

[@mangomamba5482]

"Parenting should be about children, not the parents" So what you're saying is that as long as the child is loved and cared for, it doesn't matter who the parents are? Hell yeah, gay rights

[@andreeaalbu6406]

i love this

[@matilde_5]

Checkmate!

[@monbub]

that is literally the only thing I agreed with in the whole book

[@ReptilianTeaDrinker]

Hell yes!!! LONG LIVE GAY RIGHTS.

[@aurora6256]

Long live single parents too!

[@stevefilms1997]

I respect hermione’s game Always offer to do something you know is not needed so you can seem nice without having to do anything Offering to help cook was a deception 100 move mad respect

[@VoxVocisCruora]

Me, writing fanfic before: Man, this is crap. I'm the worst writer ever! My story sucks so bad! Me: *Watches this video* Me, writing fanfic now: I am the next Stephen King. Everything I pen is a literary masterpiece.

[@MahouShoujo-Studios]

Mooood 🤣

[@chaos_opossum]

Lmao

[@Lana-ne8bd]

Bruh fr-

[@arthur-ux4rx]

SAMEEEE

[@brokendays]

Mood

[@andrawr7911]

I am a Christian and this is one of the stupidest things I have ever seen. The only good thing from this is “Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal”

[@graceyl.195]

Same and that part broke me

[@terra_the_nightingale135]

At least Aunt Petunia celebrated Harry’s birthday

[@NationalSecurityAgencyUS]

"Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.", is the 2020 of sentences.

[@dretadel]

That, and "Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation." Like, if that's not relatable I don't know what is.

[@buizeltube6624]

same haha

[@slinkie423]

"Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal" is a bigger mood than it should be

[@dextra9753]

ron BURSTING into to tears while eating oatmeal because someone insulted mary, mother of jesus is the funniest shit

[@gwenm4937]

I made it my instagram bio, I want to confuse the people who know me >:)

[@Sam-gg9kn]

The best part is book Ron probably didn't even know what religion was and would've been super confused by this entire situation

[@shotaaizawa1320]

As a peep with a eating disorder. I relateee

[@oakenshadow6763]

My parents are Christian, but they not only let us but encouraged us to read Harry Potter. My mom was actually confused when her mom, also a Christian, asked if it was okay to give us Harry Potter mugs. My mom didn't even know there was controversy around the books. THAT is a Christian. I lean towards Atheist myself. As another comment said, Dumbdore the Cleric casts Hero's feast! 9:35

[@lavasqrl702]

Sorry to be that guy, but it's Christian, not Cristian.

[@conwaysquest6961]

When does harry learn the fun spells, like flame strike, insect plague, create undead, or harm?

[@turtlesandmoreturtles]

@@conwaysquest6961 fiendfyre and inferi are canon as well as many ways to harm people but I don't know about insect plagues. But since they obviously don't work in real life, I don't see anything dangerous in Harry Potter.

[@gabrote42]

Word. Glad the books were only mildly sexist and horrible, unlike more recent JK works

[@conwaysquest6961]

@@turtlesandmoreturtles The spells I listed are high-level cleric spells in D&D. I was leaning into the joke.

[@urgae9125]

“Parenting should be about the children, not the parents. That’s why it’s called parenting.” Shouldn’t it be Childrening? Edit: lmfao I forgot I even commented on this. How did this get so many likes?

[@grayfox6930]

Saying what i was thinking

[@cindyscrawly1672]

I don't know why this made laugh that much

[@SallySueSaywhatagain]

Right? I think our author flubbed there...

[@ihavelemonade5640]

It sounds so wrong, idk why but i never want to read od hear it again

[@KanraLovesHumans]

We all must children our kids right 🤣

[@everyones-a-cryptic]

She: ”Every woman is some man's future wife.” Nuns: Am I a joke to you?

[@neatoburrito7249]

ThEy aRe A wiFe Of JeSus

[@ZomBunny]

alternatively ThEy ArE mArRiEd tO gOd

[@justanotheridiot6188]

Lesbians and aromantic women: Am I a joke to you?

[@blakchristianbale]

Elly Belly well yeah, the author’s an evangelical

[@Ash-pe7kx]

Well nuns are catholic, so according to this story just one step removed from Satan himself. An unmarried woman who worships idols...

[@spookyrosev6467]

That Harry vs Draco match is basically the one meme that’s like: Harry: All women! Are queens! Draco: if she breathes! SHE’S A THOOOT!!!! Edit: holy shit I didn’t expect my shitpost to blow up like this

[@mariafausti3128]

Lmao yesss

[@OatmealGrillBlazer]

hi again

[@danielleisaacs6237]

Except theyre both trying to own them

[@nyxowo8143]

@@danielleisaacs6237 OOF

[@pipinacarathanasis]

LMAOOO

[@alexpotts6520]

The thing is we *already* have "Harry Potter for Christians" - it's called the Chronicles of Narnia and the allegory is subtle enough that it can be enjoyed totally independently of it being Christian propaganda. (I certainly didn't make the connection when I read those books as a kid.)

[@jacksonreynolds7433]

The allegory is subtle enough until the last book when it comes in at the speed of crashing train lol.

[@boxorak]

You're not wrong, but doesn't Aslan literally say he's Jesus at some point?

[@Doomzdeh]

Having allusions and references to a religion does not make something propaganda. Narnia involves Christianity in its world and story, but it never lies about it

[@the_last_ballad]

​​@@Doomzdeh and having lies or trying to hide a message isn't necessary for something to be propoganda. Plenty of propoganda uses actual events(say the "let's go to war" US WWII propoganda featuring the actions of the Nazis) or is very blatant about the message it is pushing(like plenty of Christian media)

[@jolynelovemail]

@@Doomzdeh propaganda isn't inherently equivalent to misinformation, you know that, right? propaganda is defined by Merriam-Webster as "the spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person" or the idea/information/rumor itself

[@sami.meg10]

Mister snape may have sent you, but the phrase “cried into his oatmeal” sent me with free two-day shipping from amazon prime

[@AMScarlet]

This fanfic is obviously rubbish. Draco Malfoy would never be caught dead in khakis.

[@cuttlefishhh]

his father will hear about this

[@dracomalfoy9108]

Agreed...

[@driveasandwich6734]

What a weird instance of Draco In Leather Pants

[@KiahJeune]

imagine Draco was colourblind and ended up wearing red one day :))

[@sophyvanegas5639]

I dead

[@slayqueenlarachelslay4842]

Omg aunt petunia is such a horrible person, how dare she not let Harry get kidnapped by this half giant man, smh

[@arlaratman862]

Lemon L’Arachel and let him have two birthdays if he didn’t, so rude 😡

[@spookyspider2820]

Lemon L’Arachel god what a bitch

[@Dva04]

exactly like such a horrible aunt. smh i’m glad i’m not related to her. and he had a birthday!!!! AWFUL!!!

[@arlaratman862]

lol gamer and almost a second one too???? How is he not taken away by cps yet?

[@phantomtoby9972]

me: drinking water "HERMIONE CALLS DUMBLEDORE 'DADDY'-" me: *almost spits out water*

[@BritishMotherfucker]

U good?

[@renkomon.8312]

What?! I need a timestamp of when that was pointed out. I don't feel so good.😶

[@kayleeatkins6202]

“Hermione called Dumbledore daddy” This women’s trying to tell you something

[@gabyaguilar2414]

can we make a spin-off

[@Jan-kr6xn]

Gaby Aguilar pleaseeee do ohmygosh

[@kayleeatkins6202]

Let’s do it. I say we all share a google document with each other and get to work.

[@Jan-kr6xn]

Yess

[@mollygustafsson7546]

Absolutely im in

[@lukas3236]

*ex-christian confusion when they talk about believing literally everything in the bible WHILE EATING BACON*

[@matilde_5]

Them: *your pfp*

[@absinthe7266]

МατιldεThεCrαzγOnε lol good one

[@ManubibiWalsh]

As a... former? Catholic, doublethink is Christianity’s bread and butter.

[@meerodi]

Right!?!

[@valeriecarpenter7459]

Same lol

[@multiverse1017]

The thing that frustrates me most is that they changed everyone’s houses. “I hate slytherins” is not something Draco Malfoy would ever say in any conceivable universe ever

[@NokoFace]

Haven't watched the video yet, but just reading what you said has absolutely infuriated me.

[@CurbHopper111]

I think that's just more proof it's a troll. They know the characters too well in order to make things the opposite and ironic.

[@Natalie-rr7db]

I know! It bothered me so much. Snape's outfit was awful too. Mr. Snape. My brain hurts.

[@SakiBlablabla]

NokoFace 😅😂🤣 True!

[@moontowne4873]

Shut up malfoy SHUT UP

[@_.ray._2043]

Imagine the kids saying they want to watch the movies. I can just imagine the mother acting out the book she wrote

[@sh4peshifter480]

Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, where everyone is a perfect Christian. Apart from, apparently, three quarters of the school.

[@thedanpride]

The part where Reverend Dumbledore says that if they didn't include the other hats the school would be small concerned me because the implication to me is that the other hats are only there so Gryffindor hats can convert them

[@Quinn-bq9sv]

So... *c h u r c h*

[@kota463]

Quinn exactly

[@lauragraceokay]

so, catholic school.

[@crochetingcanuck]

@@lauragraceokay as a former student, I can verfiy the accuracy of this lol.

[@taylamuller1811]

“Always be respectful to a woman because that is another man’s future wife” Yeah its not like woman are people or anything. They only deserve respect because a man is going to marry them one day? Yikes.

[@savannahclark8303]

its pretty much like saying "dont hit a woman, cuz thats gonna be a mans property someday!" gross

[@ToastyJunebugs]

My friend's youth group split the guys and girls into groups for the purity talk. The girls were given the "You are a used napkin" speech, while the boys were told "don't take from the virgin pool bc it's not fair to other men".

[@anamf247]

​@@ToastyJunebugs sure it's an appalling sentiment but "don't take from the virgin pool" is HILARIOUS. might fuck around and swipe a girl from the virgin pool.

[@gremlinlad3671]

Dianna Stroud do they... do they not know about cloth napkins? have they never heard of washing a cloth napkin? the analogy is disgusting, but do they really not know about cloth napkins?

[@APoliticalConfusionAndMess]

Shut the fuck up, you SJW feminist.

[@tayisjeeperz]

"he has science and socialism and birthdays" might be the best quote of all time

[@bxwieknife]

I dunno, "Ronald cried into his oatmeal" is my personal favorite

[@shukuala9502]

I'm gonna use that today, it's my birthday

[@rainmer471]

ah yes, my three favorite things, science, socialism, and birthdays. Maria would be proud. (To clarify, Maria from the sound of music)

[@eggtemperaa]

i love it LMAO

[@shiningsylvie]

I went to a private catholic college and was required to take two semesters of theology classes, and for one of them I took a course titled “the gospel according to Harry Potter” and it absolutely ruled. it was a few week long class where we just read all the books and discussed any Christian themes in them. there’s a fair amount, speaking vaguely, like good verses evil etc… anyway I kinda wish we discovered this back then, if only for parody, it would have been a fun thing to laugh about with a bunch of fellow millennials

[@xanderguyer7512]

Genuinely, my Episcopal church had a summer Bible Camp (for little kids) themed to Harry Potter 😂

[@matilozano96]

In restrospect, Hagrid totally abducted an 11 year old to get him into a cult. In Canon, I mean.

[@emiliew5553]

Mati Lozano oh fuck. but at least in the canon the cult gave him superpowers. in this one he just learns Family Values

[@Mamorufumio]

2-3 years later: tonight on the bbc we go into the failed mi6 raid on a religious cult that had been increasing its numbers by kidnapping 11 year old children from their homes and brainwashing them to believe in in far right Christian values, and what it could mean for the UK’s future when it comes to such groups.

[@HansAlRachid]

Which is why that scene was filmed like a horror movie in the film adaptation.

[@lydiafayre9806]

As hot a take as that is, I don't think Hogwarts actually fits very many of the cult hallmarks. It's a boarding school. It functions like a boarding school, just with magic.

[@taekinuru2]

Dia Grace You’d be surprised how... Normal, a cult can seem at times. (look up Mormon ‘space camps’)

[@esthermigo3009]

"every young woman is a man's future wife" *oh see that, it's the gay leaving my body*

[@wooyeah1738]

*excuse me, sir, have you seen my gay*

[@redacted5078]

@@wooyeah1738 I Saw a woman called Joanne Rowling run away with it

[@wooyeah1738]

[REDACTED] That was a beautiful addition to this

[@sobertillnoon]

I feel like strange aeons here took a bit of exception to that line. I can't figure out why that would be but they didn't seem to care much for it.

[@ClownDollThatHasContemptForYou]

*my gay,where is it?*

[@riinmclave1635]

this christian mom trying to erase all the accidental drarry and just SO much making it worse

[@AmPhilH3O]

@Hans Hanzo i read the Snape description to my partners, one who loves Snape and one who really dislikes him. Both were just like, "WTF"

[@dragongirl7978]

There was no accidental Drarry. Seriously, the "enemies are secretly in love" trope is dumb. The closest I could maybe see is Draco having feelings for Harry but not the other way round. Their kids on the other hand, oh my. 😍 Cursed Child sucked as a story, but Albus and Scorpius are literally the cutest thing ever (even if there is a completely stupid and irrelevant "no homo" scene near the end 🙄🙄🙄). I ship them so hard.

[@AmPhilH3O]

@@dragongirl7978 Not going to lie, Cursed Child read like a fanfiction, but I didnt even mind because Scorpio and Albus were just so adorable.

[@dragongirl7978]

@@AmPhilH3O Someone actually wrote a fanfiction cleaning it up, turning it into a novel, and altering it just slightly to make it Scorbus (AS IT SHOULD BE!) and I actually mostly read that instead of the actual screenplay lol.

[@Enigmatic_Lurker]

*Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.* I can't. This line is going to live rent free in my head forever.

[@StealthPants1]

I think "ronald began to cry into his oatmeal" is still in character

[@TheBonkleFox]

and then he still ate it.

[@horae2583]

a growing christian boy needs his sodium 🤷‍♀️

[@jasper2739]

@@horae2583 ...yes

[@ayushibhanja]

i cackled because you’re so right

[@d.c.3141]

"She's a better writer than onision, I'll give her that." Lol that doesn't take much 😂

[@felixstone3.14]

Me: peepeeellie XBox: achievement get: be a better writer then onionboi

[@emiliew5553]

@@felixstone3.14 that's like the achievement you get on reddit for verifying your email

[@skylarjohnson7779]

"every woman is a man's future wife" it's nice that she thinks even I will find someone.

[@internetsuchtixd747]

Yeah that was my fist thought as well At least she believes in me

[@saulesalejos4483]

Yeah.. Nuns? No those dosen't matter.

[@internetsuchtixd747]

@@saulesalejos4483 nah they clearly don’t...

[@lick28]

@@saulesalejos4483 nuns are from a completely different species. Have you seen those things? They look like they can be in a horror film titled "The nun"

[@chestersnap]

Aren't nuns married to God?

[@krekcabnow2910]

I like how Dumbledore is still bias to Gryffindor.

[@soloops8322]

"ronald began to cry into his oatmeal" is now an official part of my friend groups lexicon. thank you

[@baardkopperud]

Noticed how you recognize some words without reading them - and how you sometimes get it wrong? I first read that quote as "[Caused] Ronald Reagan to cry into his oatmeal", and though "wow, that fic must be really bad if it causes dead presidents to cry into their breakfast!"... It makes more sense now.

[@Ellenchattergirl]

What does lexicon mean?

[@chihuahua3239]

@@baardkopperud I was about to comment that!!! XD

[@sebastianstewart6894]

@@Ellenchattergirl lexicon means book.

[@meisterband8603]

@@Ellenchattergirl vocabulaire

[@audritarr4220]

"Every woman is a man's future wife" Not if i marry all the women first

[@iangarvin4671]

Nice

[@bananasinfrench]

Please, save me

[@fanpet3912]

That works for me

[@coltonbates629]

That's the right attitude!

[@childishblood2166]

What if......you're a lesbian?..

[@alyrar8002]

- Snape’s chest hair - vegan food is evil - pantsuits are evil - environmentally friendly cars are evil - wHY are all the houses switched - Snape’s chest hair

[@lolli_popples]

Another point you should add is Snape's chest hair.

[@jan_Masewin]

No matter how annoying vegans get, preventing animals from suffering is still moral :’)

[@KylenKiomaka]

How is his chest hair visible if he's wearing a suit? Is it just the suit jacket and tie, with no shirt underneath?

[@crystalfinlay4499]

You should have added the fact this women called him Mr. Snape. Haha lmfao is sounds so out of place.

[@synflwr]

As a vegetarian, I can confirm some of the substitute food I’ve eaten is evil.

[@ra1ndr4gon]

Lolololol I remember when I was in 4th grade (8-9 year olds) a girl in my class had a birthday party which was harry potter themed. Her best friend came up to her, and flat out told her she refuses to go, because “god doesn’t like witches and magic”. We died.

[@apollyonkatastrefia1586]

Original aunt Petunia would never have a dirty carpet.

[@keelwarner231]

Big facts

[@youruncleolaf4694]

She’d make Harry clean it

[@catwillden2520]

not a troll evidence here

[@michael-elliottjansen4328]

no one: strange aeons, in immense pain: Hermione Calls Dumbledore Daddy.

[@midwestmasocist]

Dumbledaddy

[@redone233]

i hate that reply with a burning passion but it’s so good why must you do this to me

[@mistermangoman9293]

“Being an atheist is a long slippery slope to not vacuuming” Me: hey that’s not true! Me:*looks at the floor of my room* Me:ok you win this one

[@siggilinde5623]

And I was wondering what was wrong with me. Excuse me, I have to go to church, pray and maybe I will buy there a vacuum cleaner. You think the brand “devil“ is available there?

[@DutchHeathen]

This is what theists would label a checkmate.

[@batyalivni3577]

Well something clearly went wrong somewhere because I'm a theist and my carpet is... Something. I demand my clean carpet religion privilege immediately

[@ghostsatelier7652]

@@batyalivni3577 mmmmsame

[@nothingposted9056]

My excuse is that I'm thinking about vacuuming

[@jordanr.2120]

I don't know why the specificity that Mr. Snape wore black leather shoes "on both feet" is the thing that made me laugh the most out of this whole mess.

[@harshitadas1435]

I'm fourteen and a non-native english speaker. This atrocity makes me feel proud and confident in my english writing skills.

[@MahouShoujo-Studios]

Good because your English sounds amazing by the looks of it. I'm an American and even my English sucks.

[@joyflameball]

@@MahouShoujo-Studios BOTH OF YOUR ENGLISH IS AMAZING

[@merlinriches]

I was the 223 rd person to like this and I feel so bad for ruining that perfect 222

[@joyflameball]

@Lokirye Your English is great!

[@Sammy-yf2sb]

Im 10 and a non native english Speaker :-) Is my english good ?

[@katiemolloy9073]

Every young woman is another mans future wife *stares in lesbian*

[@elizabethsmith7224]

Confused Bi noises

[@banjomango145]

[gay silence]

[@pookydookyneo4011]

Bamboozled asexual noises

[@rubybaker1466]

my face: 👁👄👁

[@louie5471]

Cries in gay man

[@gadoneus]

So if this mom believes Harry Potter would turn her children into witch, then if she gave her children IKEA instructions, would they turn into chairs?

[@MrsMoonify]

But at least chairs aren't the spawn of Satan 😆

[@kane2056]

@@MrsMoonify they are far worse than that. Satan is like a little five year old bully compaired to a chair. Chairs are the very definition of evil.

[@aisforanimate4703]

@@kane2056 How dare you invoke the name of the greatest demon! Begone evil

[@svartrbrisingr6141]

SHHHHHHH!!!!!! don't tell them the secret of IKEA instructions!!

[@cayreet5992]

Have you seen IKEA instruction? Those kids would turn into everything but chairs.

[@sarcardinal]

this fanfic made me cry into MY oatmeal

[@blake4144]

mood.

[@Ser_Salty]

"Hermione calls Dumbledore 'Daddy'" Yeah, probably not the only fan fiction that sentence applies to

[@מעין-צ9ג]

Wattpad entered the chat

[@starboy_7724]

Gawd NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[@DocBree13]

Ser_Salty lmao!

[@epsilon-eleven]

That's basically 30% of all Harry Potter fanfic summed up in four words. Another 30% is Harry & Snape, and the rest is and Snape/Malfoy/both.

[@rowan2086]

Star Synthetik *cough* my immortal *cough*

[@ellam1121]

Harry Potter and the Poorly-Disguised Cult

[@20dabarr58]

Harry Potter and the Poorly-Disguised Homoerotic Subtext

[@oliviap.1370]

This K I L L E D me

[@harleehall2032]

I can't breath send help. I am laughing too hard

[@beee1287]

HAHAHAHA

[@beee1287]

@@20dabarr58 noooooOijijIJIkiKOiioNIUBiuj

[@a.m.h.a.9760]

Even as a straight girl, the line "every young woman is another man's future wife" doesn't sit right on me Edit 3 years later: I am in fact not straight and am not a girl 😭

[@svartrbrisingr6141]

Does anything about that rewrite sit right?

[@a.m.h.a.9760]

@@svartrbrisingr6141 now I've regrown my brain cells that I had lost from this. no, no it doesn't

[@samuelhomberg9075]

Even as a man I can't really wrap my head around the thought, that people like this really exist...

[@dreamcanvas5321]

I was raised with religion but atheist now, and I can tell you that it's really, really disheartening how many women I knew who deeply internalized that pseudo-equality. It's literally gaslighting "we believe women are equal but different to men, which is why men get to make the decisions and women get to make the food!" There's varying degrees and extremes depending on subgroup but it's still horribly dehumanizing.

[@tealablu3759]

I’m straight and Christian and female, and I was like wut 🤣🤣 no one has ever told me my purpose in life is to be some guy’s wife. Ever.

[@SeikaChroma]

You sounded like you're about to cry while reading us this, and understandably so. I don't know whether it's from joy, cringe, or pain, but the feeling is there 😂😂😂 this rewritten tale is WILD.

[@arlaratman862]

Petunia:”Harry, do you want a second birthday?” Harry: (knowing the bible despite not knowing what it was)”oh, haven’t you heard?”

[@RoguSpanish]

Imagine a kid going from never having heard of christians, to converting to christianity, to lecturing you on what is and isn't christian within the course of like 5 minutes. "Brainwashing" isn't a strong enough term for that shit.

[@Jess.Anderson]

When harry became Christian the Bible was miraculously downloaded into his brain... Because its called "school of prayers and *miracles* "

[@emiliew5553]

and also as a person who was raised christian, i have had so many fucking birthdays my dudes. i'm not christian anymore, that's probably why i suddenly woke up one morning with the memories of many birthdays in my brain.

[@midgematic8659]

Very true, after all, we are just ants compared to the beautiful birth of Jesus Christ, our birthdays are merely days that we should spend on praying to our Father. There is no such thing as celebrating our children’s lives when we could be using that time to celebrate the second coming of our Savior. /s

[@leof20202]

I knew I had to upvote this comment when I saw your name

[@katiecurry8096]

I love how Harry’s Aunt and Uncle in this version are actually better guardians to him than in the original 😂😂😂

[@SnakeMan448]

Certain people who believe that the far and away top means being a good person is to have faith in their god and be in the "right" religion depict "worldly" people as going through the motions of doing good things, but it's empty gestures. These certain people tend to be all 'fuck you, got mine', and end up making others look good by comparison.

[@den2335]

Snake Man448 exhibit A: the alt right who support a man who has had multiple wives and has cheated on all of them, raped one of his wives and beat her, has stolen from people through fake charities and universities, has stolen from the government by lying on his taxes, and has divided the country more than ever. But he’s a “good Christian man.” Yeah ok.

[@misanthropicservitorofmars2116]

Den the Alt Right are not very religious, they are only lightly religious. Most focus on nation and family.

[@goldminer754]

@@misanthropicservitorofmars2116 Well but their arguments are pretty often based around Christian ethics or atleast "Judeo-Christian Values"

[@misanthropicservitorofmars2116]

Skyler Keck true, my contention was that you have to go to your local communities to find true religion. That’s what it’s all about, being with those around you and sharing in cultural values. Plus the “alt right” seems rather nebulous at this point. I think most people need to examine what’s really going on with other people.

[@torcoolguy]

I dunno why, but "Reverend Albus Dumbledore" hit with way more psychic damage than I would expect.

[@redactedredacted6856]

The (un)holy trinity: science, socialism and birthdays

[@trol_8889]

Based

[@squigg7107]

Sounds like a party

[@gondorsfinest5774]

you should make merch that says ‘science & socialism & birthdays’

[@zaryellllyyy]

Oh man I sure do love glee

[@wuschelkopf5583]

Birthdays? We LOOOOOOOVE Birthdays

[@gracem4185]

if someone referred to me as “some mans futur wife” i’d throw up.

[@idkwutimdoingsoyeh702]

Grace M i’d try to break their nose honestly

[@shannon510butno.3]

Antifa, but all feminists Sounds good ngl.

[@abrianpeak95]

I think Emma Watson would have something to say about this

[@AntediluvianRomance]

Buuuut... don't throw up too hard, you have to take care of yourself for your future babies! 😸

[@simongiles9749]

On them, I hope. Pea soup projectile vomit, Exorcist style.

[@callumroark6340]

This sounds like a fanfiction 12 year old Christian me would have written. Edit: sorry, i suck at grammar lmao

[@lilywest9552]

Callum Furner would have*

[@Leeontherecord]

same hahah

[@sarahstevens4931]

I’m a 12 year old Christian... I wouldn’t write this I love HP way too much

[@icedmatchalatte._.]

written*

[@rice1298]

Philippe Soublière I think both ways are correct? I’m sincerely sorry if I’m wrong. It’s just tenses, but since they are currently twelve, “write” would also be adequate.

[@knockoutnorko7500]

With all seriousness ,,You’re a Christian Harry.” sounds absolutely hilarious.

[@zakosist]

A lot like those AI generated memes we have now

[@a.vangarde5116]

So "Mr. Snape" was wearing a suit and tie but Harry could still see his chest hair? So I guess he wasn't wearing a shirt? Is Mr. Snape a Christian stripper?

[@danielcastillo591]

Excuse me, they prefer the term "Stripstians"

[@AriVirtual]

Lmao I love how you got there. Is that his big secret??!?!?! Also the mental image wont leave me so thx for fun fun dreams tonight 😙

[@skitariiranger4346]

You know what. I am a okay with that

[@skitariiranger4346]

@@AriVirtual same

[@safehouse432]

I'm assuming 50 shades of grey is her secret pleasure.

[@KurKiriKuru]

My Evangelical parents and "church family" talked about the Harry Potter books in such a way when they came out that made me believe they were actual spell books written by an old wizard named Harry Potter. I'm a Ravenclaw now.

[@sak-8679]

LMAO- I HURT MY BACK FUC-

[@oneflamingpotato7965]

@@sak-8679 Oh shit, you good man

[@lilysiandaza4296]

Me too! Fellow Ravenclaw ;)

[@jessicajennings9148]

Sometimes I felt like my parents were the only Christians that let their kids read Harry Potter.

[@luuuuux_]

Hey! A fellow Ravenclaw!

[@jeybox]

"Every young woman is another man's future wife" *Gay silence*

[@InquisitorThomas]

Johanna Schmid Straight people that aren’t interested in getting married: *Silence*

[@lleafaell]

@@silverschmid4591 wait why transgender silence??

[@damkylan3]

​@@lleafaell Because some young women will figure out their identity later in life and will not be wives to anybody at that point, but husbands. I guess? Maybe. Even if that wasn't the intent, it still fits.

[@spaceorc1397]

Yeah no

[@Doomzdeh]

I can forgive this purely because Uncle Vernon would despise his depiction in this, and I can just picture him raging and throwing crap around the house after hearing about it lmao

[@squidcultist0022]

The sad part is how blurry the line is between satire and actual Christian writing.

[@alexsquid8560]

SquidCultist0 02 Sad? Or laughable? 🤔🤭 Considering that there is concrete evidence - literally, a stone slab - stating that Christianity is basically entirely satirical and a means to gain money from people who go to church... I’d say that it’s fitting to have some blur. Lol

[@sparklingwater8047]

Lol i'm christian and i think this comment is very true lol😂

[@nightfuryyassamaru1683]

@@alexsquid8560 Can you point me towards that evidence please? I need to see this with my own two eyes, this is too good to not check out.

[@CletusCorpse-Raiser]

What about Islam where the prophet is a paedophile? Blowing up music concerts, sending death threats if someone makes fun of them, throwing acid at women for regretting them or marrying who they want...Clearly the Christians are the bad ones.

[@kukky29]

@@CletusCorpse-Raiser all religions have equal levels of credibility i.e. none. None of them show any substantial evidence to be true. You can be christian but you dont need to put down other religions

[@perciusmandate]

Book: "Every young woman is another man's future wife." Me, still alone: Shakes crucifix to see if it's on.

[@blueshell292]

I'm legit pissing myself here, "shakes crucifix to see if it’s on" is a phrase that deserves to be mentioned in humanity's end credits

[@cosmic_leif]

Oh god oh as a Christian no now I hope God makes end credits lmao

[@biscuitchomper1027]

Me, an asexual: *quietly chuckles* I'm in danger

[@addisonivyy]

Me, a lesbian: *disappears*

[@reynarudydharsono603]

Me, a supposed Aroace: Even the *church* ain't safe