Rethinking A Narcissist's Shame Messages

[@justj4021]

They know exactly what they do to people with these messages. They want to destroy you

[@MT-tx7bu]

To love yourself is to love all the good things as well as the things you're working on. It's not just loving the good things. I embrace the entire me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well said!

[@lindalarson5468]

Wow. That was such a powerful theme, Dr. C. I think anyone who has dealt with a narcissist felt the truth wash over them as they listened to your message. Thank you, so very much.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I feel a sense of relief hearing this: I can stop trying to impress the narcissit who is never content: no more walking on egg shells for me!

[@genevieveaniko6492]

Self love is a powerful weapon against a narcissist..... Never let a abusive and diabolical individual determine your personal value...when they speak curses over you.. Reject it because it's mostly projection.. Its how they secretly feel about themselves.

[@hannahrosa5485]

I may not be good enough to sit at the table of a family of narcs but I am assured that I am welcome at the Banqueting Table of the Wedding Supper of the Lamb. My place is reserved.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to put it!

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

See you up there Hannah, blessings abundant your way from Germany, MARANATHA all glory to Jesus! (scapegoat speaking) 😀🙏💖

[@hannahrosa5485]

Blessings to you always.

[@hannahrosa5485]

Bless you Corin muchly. Be meeting you soon I think.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Their own shame being projected onto their target ...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

Thats kinduv a spooky thought. That someone could feel entitled to be in controll over you. And if you don't go along , then they are entitled to punish you.. and then evermore you must be destroyed.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi Jason. When you put it like that, it makes you realize there is an out of touch with reality element at work.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

@@SurvivingNarcissism hello there Dr. Carter. Yes it does. And I'm wondering do I even want to know what has caused the derailment, or should I stay the course, share a neutral perspective or at least a merciful one and look for signs they may someday realize the world doesn't hafta be such a violent place all the time.

[@123raven4]

I so Needed to hear this message today! When they are casting shame onto me and being competitive, the issues are internally inside them! They want to feel better than as they treat you less than! I don't understand this way of thinking! They have to be very hurt individuals even though everyone around thinks that they are awesome! It makes me sick to my stomach and I struggle with my self worth because they are reflecting it onto me! I have to keep telling myself throughout my day at work that I am loved and worthy and their opinion of me doesn't matter! It is painful because I am outnumbered!

[@TheUnknownSwan]

I'm shamed alot by my boyfriend and by other narcissists in the small town I live. I am at a point where I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself, I forgot how to laugh, I have chest pain alot, I am depressed, have anxiety, I hate myself and every aspect of my life is falling apart. I'm not sure if I am cut out to be here in this society. I never feel good enough for anyone even though I've spent most of my life giving and trying to be understanding and compassionate, making connections with anyone and being friendly to anyone, especially those who seem in need. Now, I just struggle with everything and life is very hard to get through day by day. I'm not sure who I am and I hate looking in the mirror. 2 years ago, I was healthy, looked 10 years younger than I am, in shape, healthy eating...now, my diet is way off, I look 10 years older than I am, no one looks at me or talks to me because I feel ugly, I get bullied alot when I rarely go out, I come home to bullying and have no wear to feel at ease. I live on the back of a mountain in an isolated town, and I can't get out of here. Financially, mentally, I am drowning. This is all thanks to endless shaming, verbal abuse and criticism for 2.5 years from significant other, and another many years from people in the community. I struggle with wanting to continue, taking care of myself and wanting to do life.

[@AvaGld2309]

"Your worth, value, and dignity is not subject to a vote." So powerful! Sadly, thanks to media everyone wants a vote.

[@stjohnja]

The only time I really ever felt like my dad reacted to my existence is when he asked me to rub his shoulders or stuff like that. It was just incessant tiny demands to do his bidding. That gets old when you grow up, but then when you start to push back and try keep your boundaries, you turn into someone they “can’t recognize. What happened to the good boy?” They make you feel ashamed for maturing and gaining independence. I’m still struggling at 35 to be real with myself snd not feel constant shame with every decision in every waking moment.

[@di_kid00]

My mother taught me that I was worthless, she drilled into me that something was wrong with me. She did such a good job, that I begun to doubt everything, every decisions, every thought, every perception. Then one day, I woke up and saw how confused I was. It’s not normal to feel this worthless and doubt yourself this much. And like being struck by lightning , I realized that none of what she did and said gets to define me anymore. Nor does she get to define my worth. F that.

[@MaryH-lj6lx]

There are no words to express my appreciation for your videos! What I am learning as I watch them is so critical to my over-all wellbeing. Yes, knowledge is power. Thank you so much!

[@charlieangelyoutube]

Although I have expressed to the narcissist that he’s a user and an abuser who will only take from others but will give nothing back. These people should know others have become aware of their evil ways.

[@gertrudewest4535]

Thanks Dad Carter. I wish I had someone like you in my life when I was growing up ( instead of being raised by a pack of wolves), but better late than never.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad to be on the path with you now!

[@bobbarker1798]

I don't care if I'm not enough. I told the narcissist that if she wasn't happy she should leave me alone. I'm enough for me. She acted like that was the craziest idea she'd ever heard. I can see why now because my not being enough was her justification for abuse. I've finally escaped from her.😀

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Good for you!❤😊

[@flowergirl2day]

@@SherryWilson-dk7bo I escaped my Narc daughter too - Done and moved on. After nearly 5 years, I refuse to be part of her life. Sad but no more - I am enough and took my power back 100%. I belong with my Soul Tribe!

[@Summer_Harvest]

Great insight @bobbarker!

[@LinYouToo]

I said the same thing to my own mother. I told her I didn’t need her to love me and I didn’t need her to get me. I get me and that’s enough. You can’t squeeze love out of a rock.

[@TheStorm45]

What Suzy says about Sally, says more about Suzy than it does about Sally. 💯

[@bennitagoodson345]

Shame is a huge generational issue for families. I can now see this was a form of discipline they used because of it's effectiveness. It's also carried over from sibling to other siblings, then factoring in jealousy when one life falters from ill choices someone will be scapegoated.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make sense

[@scapegoatsarepowerful672]

My family always accused me of being angry, not able to get along with people. The reality: I could NOT get along with THEM. Their constant attacks on my character or my memories were always disregarded. No contact has been heaven!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a classic example of projection.

[@Greeceismygoto]

Omg! Thank you!! My story exactly!

[@Ari083]

I genuinely feel like you’re doing God’s work by clarifying so many lingering thoughts & questions. With every video I watch it makes the light a little brighter. I just need to transform years of anger & bitterness due to a lack of understanding into a mindset filled with awareness, love & peace. 💖☮️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for such encouraging words.

[@Ari083]

It’s well deserved! ❤❤

[@cindyrobinson3882]

​@@Ari083I totally agree!! God watches over the broken hearted. Healing will come......our abuse didn't happen overnight. But, I truly believe God sends healing through people like Dr. C. So thankful for Dr. C shedding light and wisdom. 😊 🙏

[@nancytwigg4631]

@Ari083 Agreed. God's work 'tis. It's as if we could just put Dr. C's calm, confident, insightful words onto a sound-loop for listening soul strength. He is such a great guide. So generous. Let's all pray for those who don't have access to his help, aren't seeking personal growth, those being abused by narcissists who have no idea that they are not the problem. I pray for Dr. C's light to shine their way.

[@kf4722]

Yes indeed! Dr C is a God Sent. 🙏

[@karendeloatch6298]

I’ve been on this earth for 59 years and I’ve never heard that I am enough. Thank Dr. Carter for saying it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome. You are why I do these videos!!

[@alanaadams7440]

My father shamed me all my years at home. Got good grades but it was never enough the message? You will never be good enough. Held back his love because I was never good enough

[@Greenawareness188]

I bet he thought he was helping you .I am sorry .You deserved a better Dad.

[@agent_exodus]

He may have had no real love to give.

[@dakoderii4221]

Your A+ is not good enough but they'll praise another child for getting a C- then turn towards you with a sh*t eating grin as they bask in your pain. Then everyone tells you they do that "because they love you" and you need to stop being so ungrateful. 🙃

[@caroleminke6116]

Envy

[@Greenawareness188]

@@caroleminke6116 Yup !

[@mikeperkins-y2h]

I needed this. I wriggled with this so much post divorce and NC.

[@fred.k9875]

My mother once told, that when I was toddler, if I cried she used to smack me on face, imagine a toddler looking out for safe person, that registers there no safety out there!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's wrong on so many levels.

[@jo-annahicks3324]

That is a disgraceful, despicable thing to do to a small child! I'm so sorry you experienced this.

[@fred.k9875]

@@jo-annahicks3324 if we give up narcissists win so we won’t give up.

[@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll]

Even as a child,I knew that my mother and her family had large shame issues. Of course,I didn't understand the psychology behind and why I was so cruelly scapegoated. Every time I got their exaggerated mocking for something very small I felt they were trying to make me carry the shame for some very large character issues of their own that they didn't have the courage to address. I went no contact and refused to carry their shame.

[@caroleminke6116]

No contact from my mother too

[@sadderandwiser]

Brave woman ❤

[@fifilafleur5555]

Good job! Protect yourself. 💙

[@MyBeautifulHealth]

Same. I recognized early on that adults were projecting and it wasn’t my fault-that I just needed to get away and I’d be fine. I’m almost 40 and have spent the majority of my adult life having no contact with my family. This boundary is eternal. My safety depends on it.

[@tbunnyshy1]

Well done. I am so proud of you and I hope to accomplish what you have…being in a place of peace. ❤️

[@Lemana28021989]

What really helps is the mantra "I know what I am, I know who I am. I am loved, fulfilled and a person of worth just because I exist. What they are doing is projecting their low self-esteem onto me. This is not my truth." Or shorter: "what they are telling me about myself is not who I am"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Damn, this was spot on. They really want you to feel dehumanized for being yourself snd thinking for yourself. I'm so glad I got out. It doesn't matter how much time goes by with "no contact". If you come back, it will only be a matter of time before they resume their abuse. This happened to me. I went back to my dad because he promised to help me go to school. Well, that didn't happen. I finally left within a year and now I'm back in school on my own terms. Don't tell them your plans to give yourself a better life. They will ruin it in one way or another. They cannot stand you to have a shred of happiness or positivity in your life.

[@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll]

It is hard to believe that people can be this toxic but you need to be so aware of it to protect yourself from harm

[@AvaGld2309]

My best friend "did it her way", and she was so brave, like you.

[@ginag2375]

Yes!! ❤

[@suejohnson3972]

Way2go!!!🤗

[@tbunnyshy1]

Well done. I try to explain these things to my son. My parents and sister do not like to see people do well. He tells them everything and it truly isn’t safe to do so. I am happy you understand. You are awesome!

[@rg-mi5hh]

Our pastor once said, "Why should your small opinion of me matter?" That stuck with me. Their opinion is no bigger than anyone else's opinion. In fact, it is much smaller due to the insensitive nature. It amazes me how many people suffer at the hands of these idiots. Good people take their words and actions to heart when they shouldn't give a hoot. We all need to affirm our own worth. God doesn't make junk. Had two people smirk at me recently in the medical field. One was male and one was female. Both were very young and had not experienced some things I have yet in life. I had a terrible time going back into that place again. When I did go back, they weren't there and it was fine. Those kind bring such unwelcoming vibes. Looking back on it, I realized that I was the professional in the situation and they were spoiled brats who weren't dry behind the ears yet. All young people are not like that thankfully. I can overlook other people's flaws without bringing attention to it. It's called maturity. I would no more laugh at someone because I don't know what they are up against. I am flawed also due to being human and it's ok. If you are one of these people who take everything to heart, don't give them the time of day. They wouldn't get it anyhow. Live and be happy.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Uninformed opinions don't matter. If a toxic person tries to shame me, I always respond, "When I want your opinion of me, I'll give it to you."

[@ykwtfim]

I’ve had imposter syndrome my entire life. I was “gifted and talented” in elementary school, got great grades, was voted homecoming queen in high school, got several full ride scholarship offers to various universities, and was often offered leadership positions in my adult work life. At 30 years old, I can say that still to this day, every “accomplishment” or positive event has felt like a huge mistake, or like people felt bad for me& wanted to make me feel better or something (I was the foster kid adopted late in teen years, obviously ill-adjusted& very awkward in social situations). My ex husband shamed me for showing even a small bit of pride in something good that happened or that I achieved. He considered it “disgusting” to be “prideful” about oneself& that as a wife my pride should be in my husband’s happiness. So for me to think anything positive about myself, even if I expressed I felt pretty in a dress I wore one day, that was a character defect that showed how fundamentally selfish& self-absorbed I was. How strange, I never considered that the main way he shamed me was by shaming the small bit of positivity about myself I’d gained after becoming an adult. So like… shaming myself was the only way I could make him happy 😂 the best compliment I received once love bombing was over was “you actually got it right this time, wow.” And I would be SO HAPPY to receive such a compliment 😂🤣

[@amandaliverpool3374]

After all I've done for you! What are you going to do for me? As you know. I don't give without wanting something back and, of course, it will never be enough. You will be, forever, owe me!

[@roxymovie3938]

Yes, this sentence "After all I have done for you." is one of the most common manipulation techniques used in unhealthy relationships and unfortunately also often used in parenting. It implies a transaction, not love and the recipient will feel shame and guilt. The results are not being lovable, feeling insecure and this leads to a low self esteem. Sending you healthy thoughts 🕊 and best wishes for recovery of your tooth 🤗❤

[@sturobertson6791]

Well said Amanda. I heard this often from my nex. In fact her exact words were "look what I've done for you, and what have you done for me?" Acts of "kindness" were done with great show....to be stored away for future use as weapons. It's hard to see at first, but eventually the mask slips👍🙏🌞

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@roxymovie3938 You're absolutely spot on Roxy. I can relate this to lots of people, but, in particular, my ex stepfather. He made me feel like a piece of 💩. I did reply to another link over my tooth. I'd had to stop the antibiotics as they upset my system. I followed your instructions over the coconut oil, and my gum is actually feeling better. Nice one 👍 This is now part of my daily routine. Take care 🙏💖

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@sturobertson6791 Thank-you Stu and I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're absolutely right. They collect data/brownie points and use everything in their power to their own advantage. I'm hoping onwards and upwards from here on in. Take care 🙏❤️

[@nancytwigg4631]

You've got that right! Spot on, Amanda.

[@zachscully]

Intentionally live your own life, making it your message. (And ignore theirs)

[@nancytwigg4631]

We are resilient, we are focused on personal growth! Honor yourself today, my Team Healthy friends. Be of integrity, be real, not any other's ideal, peace will follow. Claim it! We are enough! God bless our Dr. C.❤😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So well stated.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

Had a talk with a natcissist recently. ..."and don't raise your voice at me..: Me: I'm not raising my voice. My voice is strong naturally.... "well don't talk down to me" Me: of i ask a question u don't know its not talking down to you. I'm sorry you feel lesser because you don't know the answer.. .." these were two of many projections I had to redefine to move past the narcs defenses. It was interesting

[@jasonsneeden5934]

Its like, their conjecture was continually led by defense, blame and projection, including shame. They just could not see another perspective. They were just convinced I was ready to steal their glory.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Resilient Indeed! Thanks for your words of encouragement. This is what Team Healthy is all about! 🙏💖

[@lovesings2us]

Yes! Thank you for your powerful message of hope and truth.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

Narcissistic folks are threatened by your good character - for one : they don’t have it . Two: they know you will out shine them just by being you & this in return displays how shallow they really are as an individual.

[@skulpzilla2051]

Say the word NO and see what's happens

[@O0000-i5q]

My ex boyfriend would hit me whenever he ran out of words in arguments (I’m a guy too). One day, my friends saw him do it outside of the pub and shamed him for it. One month later, I saw that he had sent a message to his work group chat with pictures of cuts on his arm from over a year ago. I, and my family were there the night he fell on the glass (drunk at a party) and were disgusted to see that he had used these images to frame me because people had witnessed his domestic abuse, and he needed to become the victim. This was the moment I realised he was not just a troubled soul, but a complete narcissist. On a side note, he allowed me drop these colleagues home from work during this time, despite him knowing that he had lied and they all believed I was a monster. It is safe to say he has been blocked on everything and moved out. I’ve ended this 18 month relationship because some boundaries cannot be uncrossed. He has tried on many fronts to get back with me, but every time I refused “going for a coffee”, he would get angry and spout more nonsense. It is as though he’s shocked that I will never take him back.

[@Teresa-hw5fg]

I'm so sorry that you had these experiences. Narcissists are truly crazy. Glad to hear you've escaped and moved on! ❤

[@O0000-i5q]

@@Teresa-hw5fg thankyou for the kind words. It has been beyond challenging but I’ve realised you cannot change them ! Hope you’re healing too (since you’re here❤️)

[@Greenawareness188]

User-rz4w7tk9u , I am so sorry for the abuse that you have suffered .You deserve to be loved and valued .

[@O0000-i5q]

@@Greenawareness188 Thankyou. Kind souls are out there ! ❤️

[@michelepascoe6068]

They create insecurity in you and then speak of it contemptuously to others so they all accuse you impatiently, "You always need reassurance! You're pathetic!"

[@TheLiquidCat]

This. When we'd meet new people he seemed to delight in telling them what my personality is according to him and not the reality. He'd tell them what I do and don't like even though they weren't the truth, which alienated me from the new people because they wouldn't bother to get to know me after that. I think he didn't ever want me to be an equal in our mutual relationships.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@TheLiquidCat we have to let go of all who listened and meet new people without the narc. Peace to you.

[@susanwilson4695]

When there is someone or something that makes you feel sick inside get away, move your child from that environment, whether a school, work, or home.

[@PJam1111]

Thank you, Dr.C. Your message today, brought tears to my eyes. My sibling always made me feel I was not enough. I didn't go to university right out of high-school. This was brought up. When I did go to university, it wasn't the 'right' university. I completed 6 years and graduated with honors...still undercutting remarks from my sibling. 'You don't know what you are talking about!' I would leave bewildered, confused, and questioning my own ability. I became a shell of a person, walking on egg shells, waiting for the next 'shaming' and hurtful comment. It hurts. Listening to your videos on a daily basis, I am gaining extensive knowledge and learning to understand this type of projecting behavior, is my sibling and not me. It is challenging. I have walked away, believe in my integrity and am surrounding myself with people who I respect, trust, and support me, as much as I to them. Thank you!!

[@francesbernard2445]

I had 1 in-law who only had 1 biological child of her own whom I cannot no matter how hard I try win her over at all concerning my ability and concerning my history of being a good mom and nice enough aunt too. Sometimes I can sense on occasion that one of my adult children who cannot remember much about their childhoods now when I was their mother living under the same roof as them. They sometimes over the years maybe given outside of our lives influences on them say things to me that are more than a little bewildering. I could laugh with them now about it if they were open to talk more about the past however right now for the most part that seems like a taboo subject altogether in my family. Like one day when my youngest daughter at around age 5 or so came to me for a visit when she said, "I can hardly wait until you become a Christian too." Given how angry as an infant she was one day when her and I and her brother were atending church while I was iving in my uncle Bill's house; me all of the time there for a few months during joint interim custody during divorce after the 3 of us left the women's shelter when she didn't get that little white pieces of bread called holy communion that the priest was giving to everyone that day too only because at the time I was remembering how much I had to learn in elementary school first before getting one before she had started elementary school herself too the first time at the time I only felt amused by it.

[@omvendtslev]

Same here...sooo powerfull to listen to a strong person as Mr. Carter!!!

[@ReRe_642]

Wishing you the best. They were jealous of you and trying to hold you back. But show them keep shining.

[@kerstitekko2257]

You did absolutely great. Great achievements. You can be proud of yourself.

[@PJam1111]

@@kerstitekko2257 thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it

[@Grace-mg8kv]

I really needed to hear this. Even when you think they can’t get to you they actually do deep down. They are such horrible people

[@michaelgoldberg7403]

My anger in a way saved me. My answer was fuck off.

[@Manitoba_Fatty_]

Best comment ever👍🏻❤️

[@cymbolichuman433]

The best way to to live is to determine positive/negative ways to be that you respect. If you respect yourself, you don't need someone else's opinion. Your own opinion and beliefs are what counts. Not what some pompous azz, insulting parasite has to say about you. I went through that the hard way and believed what they said about me. They are wrong!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated.

[@Star-s2x]

My sister has been sending terrible texts to others saying I'm evil,and a cruel person. The worse part is a few would believe her. But it was her that would get aggressive if you disagreed or went ahead with something without her approval. I've been non contact now for 3 months

[@caroleminke6116]

Her part in this will out if you stay silent & only speak the truth about it

[@tbunnyshy1]

I hear you! Same. Some of the manipulated people eventually saw through her performances. Some don’t. I just let those people go. We don’t need that in our lives.

[@amberinthemist7912]

My sister is the same way. I've been nc since 2020. It's been such a relief to be free of her.

[@Star-s2x]

@@amberinthemist7912 did you find it difficult to cut off a family member.? My other family members are in limbo,but then it shows their lack of boundaries,as my sister texts them non stop and they just don't reply even though it drives them crazy.

[@amberinthemist7912]

It was difficult, mostly due to her stalking me. I am lucky in that we don't have many family or friends in common that I care to talk to. But I know she tries to smear me to anyone who will listen. I'm leaving the country though, 2000 mi away, so I'm truly leaving it all behind with just my husband and kids. Whoever left who is on her side deserves her. She's always burned through people. I'm sure that with her main scapegoat gone, she'll be using everyone else even more. As hard as it's been, I have never been healthier, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

[@grandmatoo]

Even after my Master's degree...I thought...I will never be good enough...I will continue to strive to learn self love

[@jimjam8949]

I had quite a traumatic awakening to this recently. My elderly parent had fallen at home and we had to call emergency services to break door down. Whilst waiting for them I suggested to my elder brother we needed to try to break door in ourselves. He point blank refused. I questioned this with a bit if a plead that our mother was in there and that time was of the essence. Instead of calmly explaining why he didnt want to. His response was off the scale aggressive and condemning of me. For first time in my life I realised he was a bully. Has paper thin skin when he is ashamed of his own lacking somehow and can't negotiate. 2 of the 3 men in my family growing up scapegoated me I think due to my pointing out the obvious of what was going on. As the youngest I think you have a good view of the weirdness of dysfunctional communications in your family. Yet no one can believe when you turn out the emotionally most mature.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

I've known for a while that I want to talk to my older brother. I didn't have the words for it, but our father invalidated him over and over. He was also still being shamed for things he'd done as a child when he was in his 40's. I want him to know that I saw it and it was all wrong. I was the golden child, and I think it will be very healing for him if it comes from me.

[@Ma-Says]

Thank you for a new step toward truth with this video! I've felt so shamed by my narc spouse for not being able to communicate well. There have been so many situations where I've been blamed, "If you had said it this way then that wouldn't have happened", "Why didn't you tell me...", "I would have understood if you had put it like this...", "You need to learn to communicate." Oddly I didn't see that in all other relationships I had no problems communicating well. Finally I see that my issues was communicating with them and with THEIR dysfunctional way of communicating. No one can communicate with a person who devalues them, doesn't trust them, purposely misunderstands them, mocks them, talks over them, doesn't listen to them, and ignores them. I finally believe that I'm enough in yet another area of my life. I am good enough at communicating!

[@denicehaley9902]

Ms-Says, thanks for sharing. My husband has been doing the same thing for decades.

[@sharonchristian8508]

A minister once told me that I had been Soul Murdered as a very small child. I lived and I did not believe the Lie. I am still here.

[@majestic.feminine]

No one person will determine my inherent right to be a human in love & peace. Dead-on. Excellent video! Thank you Dr. C 💝

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

If you ever receive a message of the kind „you are a looser like your father“ then it’s probably not only narcissism but also parental alienation syndrome. Parental narcissism combined with parental alienation syndrome is no joke I can tell you that 🥺

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

PA is insidious

[@sarahb4484]

Thank you for telling us that we are enough specially when we are led to believe that we aren’t enough.The sad part of all this is to know how much the narcissist enjoys to have caused the “damage” on our minds and life.

[@kerstitekko2257]

Yes, do not understand it but that is what they do.

[@stjohnja]

Not sure if it was this video or another of his I saw recently but he said that narcissists like to create chaos because that’s a way for them to gaslight you into getting angry which then helps them feel superior. That hit home so hard for me. My dad would frequently get in these huge fights with my mom, I can’t even remember what any of the fights were about, which would then involve anyone else who was present. It turned into him vs his own family every time, then after an hour yelling and blaming and justifying he’d threaten to leave - to get in the car and drive to who knows where. He wanted you to beg him to stay; he’d say over and over “you’re doing this, you’re making me leave” and he’d take his sweet ass time doing his show. Then he’d finally leave, but about an hour later he’d call over and over til someone answered. My mom would tell us to not answer. He’d show back up another hour or so after that and silently walk in and glare at us on his way to his bedroom. This went on and on for years, the last time being Christmas a couple years ago with my gf at the time - we were both in our 30s. My mom said he used to do that when I was a baby and I guess before I was born, except he’d call from pay phones. I don’t know why my mom has stayed with him. I can’t even visit them or talk to my dad at all now, it’s so sad, but it just doesn’t feel like he cares about me, just like my existence annoys him and all he wants is to control everything about me down to the way I breathe. Any time I try to tell a story about some experience I had like traveling or something, he just interrupts as soon as he can about the time he visited that place. He never brings it back to me, he just finished his story and changes the subject. He’s never asked me any questions about my life ever; the only real reactions he’s ever had towards is anger and shame, extreme very scary anger. There’s also this weird pride he’ll sometimes shower me in, but it just feels like it’s not even about me, or he’ll talk to other people about me and completely fabricate stuff. Now that I understand he is a narcissist it totally helps me see how that affected me, at least gives me self awareness of why I have low self esteem and why I only chase my career over having friends or any real relationships at all. I’ve always felt so small and not enough.

[@KalleenHa]

As a recipient of a “shame” letter, I can attest to the fact that it was more about their life than it was about mine. I understand mental health so much more now after this experience with this oerson. My heart still aches for them and hopes that they will find out who they are, and that they are of great worth in the eyes of the Lord. I will always love them and wish nothing but the best for them, but I also know that I can never have a normal and nurturing relationship with them. It breaks me heart, but I will always pray that they’ll be able to truly understand and love themselves one day.

[@etherealregions]

I have put up with this my entire life, and I have found an activity that will help. Martial Arts, will help build confidence and help you realize that. YOU ARE ENOUGH!

[@henrykujawa4427]

I've often wished that I had been able to study martial arts when I was growing up. Apart from what you mention, I think it would have also prevented others (kids at school, or MY DAD) from using violence or threats of violence against me. That could have helped me avoid SOOOOOO many problems in my life, long into my adult years.

[@etherealregions]

@@henrykujawa4427 , I am sorry to hear that. However, my childhood was much the same as well. I would often get beat up by mainly one of my order half brothers. But I started watching Bruce Lee movies and pretending a lot. One day when I was about 12ish. My half brother walked up and tried to sucker punch me, and I caught the punch in the air. First of all, that was the last time he ever punched me. Second of all, I simply started buying books and videos, because I couldn't afford to take formal lessons. So just start off buying a book and go from there. I started off with Jeet Kune Do books, and practiced for about 20 years. I left it for years and again just started again, by taking Udemy courses on Muay Thai, and Wing Chun, and will eventually add Jujitsu to the mix The point is, it has never been easier to study martial arts, and if you happen to have a local Dojo., even better. I've sent all my kids to teakwundo and it helped their confidence as well. They even became better in school. Anyway, I wish you all the best.

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

Today one of my family narcissists made fun of me for winning a lottery. It was just a little over 100$, but I think it's amazing that dealing with a narcissist means you will be mocked for winning a lottery.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's all about them!!

[@snowbear1877]

I know the shame message only too well. It became part of me, because I myself believed it. It became part of me.

[@annieeatch9014]

Made me cry today ❤

[@darinsmith2458]

My challenge is learning how to use the gift of being able to feel what others feel.. I can feel if someone is miserable on the inside even if they are happy on the outside..

[@darinsmith2458]

Detach With Love.. To me when you say go where the love is, is that I detach from what is not love..

[@TheWaterlily2012]

I had to fix my eyes after this one.

[@michelleharkness7549]

btw- since I joined “ Team Healthy “ ( Officiant - Doctor Carter, Ph.D. my nightmares have been almost non- existent

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Major pleased on your behalf, Michelle!! You just made my day.

[@jenp5759]

Shame on you was a favourite admonishment from my mother.

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

SO true. Narcissistic shame is truly from the enemy. The devil is a liar. As far as I am concerned, only God has the moral authority to pass judgment over my soul. Certainly not a wicked person that holds others in contempt. The Lord Jesus took our shame and paid it all. It is finished. Colossians 2:15

[@shoshanas5251]

I love this. Blessings Maria!

[@aliceroberts1980]

Thank you Dr.C my narcissistic brother died in May than my narcissistic mother died in Aug. I guess she didn’t want to live without her golden child. I have 2 houses to sell with all the stuff people acquire in life. It’s an overwhelming task, and I was just informed by my highly narcissistic aunt that I could not do it that I am not capable of doing what needs to be done, and I should sign over everything to her. She didn’t waste any time my mother wasn’t dead 24 hours before she was in her office gathering up all the information that anybody would need to settle her estate And I told her no that I could do it. She proceeded to blow up at me and tell me what inferior person I was, and all the reasons why I couldn’t possibly do the good job she would be doing. I couldn’t believe how nasty she was my whole family just died in one summer and she was attacking me she accuse me of trying to cheat my nephew. That’s what she thought I would do she’s known me since I was born and that’s how much having power over the situation meant to her. She didn’t care that I was laying on the floor bleeding because my family just died. She decided to kick me in the guts anyway I need this message today. Thank you for all you do us people that live with narcissistic abusive people. I will prove her wrong. Please never doubt the good you go with your advice 🙏🙏. Thank you Thank you God bless you

[@lcooper6323]

My condolences in the passing of your love ones. May you be strengthened to stand against any narcissistic attack that your aunt tries to bring against you. You are strong enough, you are wise enough, and you are good enough to handle the affairs of your now deceased family members. I’m saying a prayer for you. 💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I’m so glad it resonated

[@grantburns1155]

Alice,there are people who will come in and help u. Auctioneers and people who do estate sales. Do u need any of their stuff? Just keep the ❤️ felt belongings.

[@aliceroberts1980]

@@lcooper6323 Thank you 🙏

[@aliceroberts1980]

@@grantburns1155 Yes thank you I can only keep a few thing I selling stuff and give stuff away to salvation Army. Some stuff is getting thrown away. There’s nothing I can do about it. Thank for your advice God bless you too

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Cr. Carter....the Narc Ex told the marriage counselor "I am perfect and that's how I know everything is her fault"....then he went on a 15 minute speel...on how Perfect he is. And his Alcoholic mother was also perfect and so was his Dad...who left when he was born. All Perfect people. Then he told the counselor "She's not perfect and her parents are also not perfect. My parents never drank, never left each other, never got a divorce. Narcissism is being EVIL...Satan is the Father of the Lie. All they can do is lie....they figure out every single way of lying. I do believe what the Bible says "God gave them over to have Reprobate minds". Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus ...this Video is entirely helpful. I was the parent alienated and scapegoated.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm assuming the counselor saw straight through all that.

[@TurinTurumba]

It's important to remember not to take things personally, especially from spite driven Narcissists

[@JR-ej9up]

I do this. Usually someone will do a lot of things that hurt me. Repeatedly. To me it's like child acts. My parents do this. On some stuff that has Really hurt me. Very deeply. And eventually I text them what they are doing. And I am not going to participate any more. To me it's a call out. Something narcissists won't even begin to look at. Where I have gone as far as I'm willing to go. More or less experiencing their abuse. Things they do to everyone if you dig deeper. My mother wrote me back and said I'm shaming her. My father wrote me back stating I need an attitude adjustment. In both cases neither parent looked at themselves. And of course as time passes, They start up the same behavior again to re engage and hook myself, or whatever person they are doing these things to. At 38 years old, even being angry is still holding me back. Connected to this behavior. But when I'm really doing well, I honestly don't think of them at all. That is not a vacuum of love. Just a focus on what's more important. Which is taking care of my self. Something they don't want. - Crazy how all the antics a narcissist does, If all for them to feel love. It's no wonder when people stand up for themselves and that love is removed they act out even more. Very very Adultescent like. And both my parents are 73 years old. Nothing Evolves. Just sad for them and understanding their jail they feel their in. Because I feel they put me in a jail like state myself. Empathy is ok. But I will not participate as a sudo slave for these people to ruin on purpose. All for their feels of needed love. Too unhealthy for me. P.s Narcissist hate everything anyway. What you're doing saying, hating on everything. That never changes.

[@tbunnyshy1]

You are right on point. 🎯 I am so sorry for all you had to endure. I hear you and fully relate. ❤️

[@texaspatty458]

So true ....they AREN'T GOING TO CHANGE !!!

[@patriciafry8634]

Yes, smart decision not to participate or engage any further, but go your own way. Be happy!

[@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll]

I am so sorry for all your pain. Narcissists are so toxic. Don't let them rob of your peace.

[@Joemar4]

Thank you Dr. C. Another helpful video. Once again i felt as if you were talking directly to me. You described everything my narcissist mother was. I was never good enough. I was a loser. Etc, etc. Luckily i realized at a young age that she was insane and never allowed what she said to be taken to heart. But still, your video helped me...as they all do. You are truly a blessing for all of us!

[@wendyskriver2146]

When they shut the door (repeatedly) to your love and kindness, turn to the right direction and go live your best life without them . Go serve in your church nursery if the grandchildren suffer because of their foolish narcissism. And Pray, Pray, Pray that those children are covered with God's loving care and protection.

[@triciadreas9835]

I am enough, and that is his problem with me. He has alienated me from my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. His sister turned him away when I threw him out.

[@treysmythsandtunes]

"Peace arises on a commitment to integrity.' That sentence and concept eloquently summarizes and relates three key components to personal healing. Much thanks

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks!

[@Shardswords]

Omg psychological acid is such a perfect term.

[@darrynreid4500]

Something that I have increasingly noticed in recent years is a pattern of demanding acceptance of blatantly false claims as facts, character assassination by making false mind-reading declarations of what other people think in order to condemn them for views they don't have, screaming, name-calling, berating, and hurling abuse, with the subject of it all being a demand that others live up to them as the grand masters of decency and respect. It's hilarious, really; or at least it would be if people would stop caving in to it.

[@d.k.267]

Thank you.

[@peggygarcia6125]

It's not that we attract narcissists because they're supply predators. It's that if raised by a narcissist we don't have experience with identifying them and filtering them out of our more intimate circle

[@jeffwilliams9086]

Thank you Dr Carter. It’s obvious you bring us these videos with heartfelt empathy, and that means so very much. You are a messenger of hope and healing to me and I’m sure many others, freely doing the Lord’s work you were put here to do. You’re such a blessing, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@mystiparker3935]

I was never enough for my ex. I’m really working on finding my joy and fighting through all those shameful messages he put in my head over the years.

[@ladm4967]

After my comment on yesterday’s “Midweek with Dr C”, you were so right, Dr. C., that today’s video would be so important. It truly hit home and I will be watching this again. Thank you so much. You truly gave me strength against the thoughts that my husband (separated) wanted me to believe.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome...glad it hit home!

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

These videos just keep getting better! Dignity, respect, civility - and peace! How I wish I had been learning about this stuff earlier in my life, but I did always value integrity, whatever, and that helped. Heartfelt thanks must go to Dr C and TH for enabling us to become better, stronger and able to come to terms with the life we have.

[@malwads1836]

This 💩 causes more than a few folks to struggle with completely unnecessary Depression symptoms among so many other potential mental health issues😤.I'm saving this video to share with ANYONE that's had to experience this,it's not easy & info like this helps offer a much healthier way out of that 💩.

[@malwads1836]

For those of us with narc "parents"...None of us deserved to be taught the "language of shame" as our 1st language & I hope that all of us on here will eventually decide to stop speaking such foul language🙂.

[@CleoPatra67]

My highschool friend discarded me with this last message: I can not trust you (anymore) Can’t help, but you lost me as a friend… (after 27 years ..😅) so pathetic

[@e.d.3729]

I'm utterly consumed by shame and these days I don't even know where it comes from. I'm not in a relationship with a narcissist. I've distanced my family-of-origin narcissist. But sometimes I think I will literally drown in shame about the things I've done wrong.

[@caroleminke6116]

Your forgiveness will heal your heart ❤️‍🩹 if you let each breath feel like inhaling love from the universe because you are so very loved❣️

[@Kathy-kr1sv]

There is nothing wrong with you..... They have to put you down - belittle etc for sole purpose of making themselves feel better - more important Because inside they are frail weak etc Which means they are afraid of how *together* you are It's actually funny when you think about it So shoulders back head high Be proud of you You're awesome 💕💙❤️💜💙💕🎵

[@amberinthemist7912]

Many of us are forced to act against our morals and ethics in order to survive narc abuse. You can forgive yourself. You are worth it.

[@danielkaiser8971]

I hope you learn how to forgive yourself for things you have done wrong. I too have done wrong things. No one forgave me, so I had to learn what forgiveness was and that I was worthy of it. If for no other reason, I was eventually able to forgive myself if only because I have not repeated my past wrongdoings. I am not who I was back then, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't. I know who I am now, and I worked too hard on myself to move forward. And I like being imperfect, it's a lot easier to fit into society that way. Please be kind, gentle and loving to yourself as you continue your healing journey.

[@patriciahboston3547]

it's hard to heal from shame alone, look for a therapist that works with shame cuz shame feeds on isolation..

[@jessicahimmel7867]

Thank you so much. My mother is a covert narcissist and my life has been very difficult

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Im pulling for you!

[@marcialane6955]

For me, I’m constantly thinking others think that too. That’s the CPTSD I’m now working through.

[@sirenachantal471]

Part of the problem is that I believe the bad messages I received about my body. I was badly shamed about what I look like. I was ok with my body as long as my husband was ok with it. But now that’s changed and I’m fighting an internal battle to love my body in spite of everything. My physician told me that what was said to me was a form of sexual abuse. I don’t understand how this could be. ?

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

All this is exactly right according to my personal experiences. After being, for the most part, no contact with my narcissistic family for years now it is even more clear on the rare occasions that I have seen them. While we are in the mess we are too confused and agitated to be able to see the attitudes for what they are, but when we are gone a while and come back it is blatant. It's sort of like a smoker who smokes in their house or people with dogs who don't clean their house, and doesn't seem to notice the smell until they go on vacation, when they come back to the smell that was absent on vacation, they suddenly notice how bad the smell is. Sometimes it takes some time away from the mess to be able to see there is a mess.

[@kf4722]

That is a great analogy!

[@shoshanas5251]

Bingo!

[@grandmatoo]

Dr. C you really know this subject. I am so thankful for your discussions on this topic. Honored to hear your talks.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased. Thanks.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

This one was especially touching. Thank you. I sadly lucid dream a lot. Often wonderful but last night vunerable and full of shame. Trying to forgive myself and reconnect w my worth. Many thanks.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome, Nancy.

[@robyncampbell9624]

Fantastic video like always dr carter big hug for gus🐶❤💖

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind. And Gus says thanks!

[@siriastridkristensen4272]

One day the shame was gone. It felt like being lifted. That was after the person called "mother", to me was no longer. And I realized it was her shame I had been carrying for over 30 years. And blame and guilt and responisibility for the unlived lives in that circle called "family". Now, I'm trying the world out, again. On my own. See you. Siri

[@stephanieo222]

Sounds like my "mother" scenario. Live your life happily!

[@Greenawareness188]

Siri , Good to hear . Glad you are evolving into a beautiful butterfly .

[@siriastridkristensen4272]

🌟

[@tbunnyshy1]

Wow. Very well said and done! You are awesome ❤

[@denicehaley9902]

Sounds like my recent discovery (I just turned 61) of my mother placing her shame and guilt into me as the family scapegoat. She’s even (with the help of my narc dad, husband, and brother) have alienated all 3 of my adult daughters. My mother even said, “It’s my right as a grandmother “ to see and visit my daughters when they were young. God, I wish I had awakened much sooner to enforce boundaries with all these “family” members. Nevertheless, my hope now resides in my Lord, not the narcs in my family, including mom, who have used me to place their shame onto me. No more! 🙏❤️🙏❤️

[@cyncin7247]

Sibling has done this to me. Vitriol at its finest. Sadly, has influenced her daughters, my nieces. Pray and keep Grey rock. Thank you, Dr. C. THIS is very helpful. 😢

[@kf4722]

Same here! I was gaslight by tribe. No more.

[@Dusty42096]

My 50 year old sister said I was a loser and no one can ever like me. That right after our mother passed away. Luckily she’s out of my life for good now.

[@stjohnja]

I haven’t watched all of the videos here, but something I experienced that I haven’t really found mentioned anywhere else is that a narcissistic parent will sometimes put you on a pedestal just as quickly as they’ll cut you down. It never felt like real empathy though and the narrative wouldn’t match up to reality; it actually made you feel less than enough because now all these little lies are weaved in. I used to feel better than people sometimes, almost like an intrusive thought I was ashamed of, but at the same time always felt detached from people and had a difficult time being real and spontaneous like other people are capable of. Being raised by a narcissist is constant ups and downs and leaves you afraid to be yourself and living in constant shame.

[@MarlanWarren]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. My family was hypercritical and deeply punishing. Not only my parents but I had a large number of aunts and uncles who believed they had a right to criticize me also. Who I was and what I like to do was not enough. Looking back is a bit strange because even as a child I accomplished a lot and my picture used to be in the paper frequently for various accomplishments but it seemed like I could not do anything right in their eyes. They focused on my character defects or what they perceived as character defects. Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me grasp the bigger picture of who I am and the damage that was inflicted on me by narcissists!

[@Bea_Survivor]

This one touched and resonated deeply, Dr C, and brought a tear to my eyes, as you're talking directly to our souls with such gentle, calm directness, genuine and felt kindness, grace, humanity, and truth. Your videos are so incredibly life-affirming and helpful. Thank you for who you are and all that you do, Dr C. 🤗🥰💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You just made my day. Thanks!

[@Bea_Survivor]

I'm so delighted to hear that. 🥰💕

[@johncollier3175]

Yes, I had to keep myself from weeping. I'm like the woman, (ringing up the groceries) who The Good Doctor stood up for. If I may quote Tiny Tim, "God bless us EVERYONE!!!"

[@johncollier3175]

The above comment was submitted by Laurie, who believes we have all suffered too much.

[@mjsilva7086]

Thank YOU Dr. Carter❤ what a great message. I live with someone who shame messages me when he’s not happy or not getting his way and his messages are hurtful - I usually ignore his messages or reply that he’s Wrong and he can’t hurt me with his words. I am a lot stronger mentally than he is since I respect and love myself. It’s not easy at times, yet I have managed to stay with him because I know my worth and I Love myself. I listen to your videos a lot and they’re very helpful and I gain even more strength from your videos and in turn I can deal with my narcissist partner. Thank YOU❤️for all you do to help us with your advise and knowledge - as so many of us stay quiet and in silence. God bless you always🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much

[@msmacmac1000]

Your insights are so helpful, Dr C.❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼Reminds me why I ❤️Team Healthy

[@lisarowe9707]

Off topic but need to share. When my 17 year old daughter died my mother delighted in informing me that she was using my daughter's funeral leaflet as a coaster for her drink and food and that it was filthy. Laughing about the state it was in and was sure my daughter wouldn't mind. She also kept bringing inexpensive flowers(excuse to stalk) and when I told her they were a constant reminder and please stop she doubled down. Now I get flowers at least weekly. I throw them out everytime. Thanks so much Dr. Carter❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's grossly insensitive. My condolences for the loss of your daughter.

[@lisarowe9707]

Thank you so much xx❤

[@minichanti]

"I get bored quickly, no playing with me nor threats to tickle me as I may kill if ever tickled" 😂

[@minichanti]

Kill

[@yambapiano9473]

I am enough, I am enough, I am enough, I am enough, I am enough… I AM ENOUGH! 🌷

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes!

[@wayneelliott1180]

Yes, the narc parent is the most destructive force. The survivor of that abuse will have all manner of issues to deal with later.

[@Adventureswithbecky]

Thank you. This was so needed today.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@KR-pp7wp]

Sometimes the truth hurts when you say it in a text msg.

[@davechristensen6117]

Awesome message. Thank you!