Why they pull away (when they want you)

Why would someone pull away when you know they want you? Love Advice discusses the factors that create this counterintuitive reaction, and what you can do about it: #PullingAway #Connection #NewRelationships #Attraction #Desire #DatingAdvice #relationshipexpert
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Susan Winter is a leading relationship expert and love coach who has helped over 5,000 people find, and keep, love. She’s a bestselling author (Older Women/Younger Men, Allowing Magnificence, and Breakup Triage) specializing in evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Susan writes, speaks and coaches on dating issues, relationship challenges, and personal empowerment.
Internationally recognized as a thought leader in her field, Susan’s 950+ top tier media credits include:THE OPRAH SHOW, THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE TODAY SHOW, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABC EVENING NEWS, THE LIST SHOW, BBC NEWS, ITV NEWS, TALKTV LONDON, CNN HEADLINE NEWS, ABC EVENING NEWS, FOX NEWS, CNBC, COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE, HARPERS BAZAAR, MEN'S HEALTH, FORTUNE, FORBES, BUSINESS INSIDER, PEOPLE MAGAZINE, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, EL MUNDO, THE LONDON TIMES, MUMBAI MIRROR, IRISH TIMES, THE TIMES OF INDIA, and the THE IRISH EXAMINER. In radio, Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, BBC, and CBS NEWS RADIO. Public speaking includes keynotes at the WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM, THE INTERNATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH FESTIVAL, and the CORE CLUB NYC. Her Podcast, 'The Susan Winter Show,' can be heard on Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Prime. www.susanwinter.net

[@northshorelight35]

This is 100% true. They ghosted you because you are high value and they know they're not good enough.

[@bdturner8162]

I just experienced this. It’s crazy making. Persued me like crazy. We were together over 3 months and it was great. Took me away to a nice weekend in the mountains. While at the rodeo that evening he suddenly went cold. Didn’t hold my hand walked off wo me to the car. Couldnt wait to get home. Started bread crumbing till I called him on it. He said he was mad at himself for not having feelings for me because I’m fabulous. I tried to end it right then but he wanted us to think about it while he was on vacation the next week. NEver heard from him again. This man acted like he was crazy about me. He is 2 years out of a marriage w a narcissist and I feel like he is shut down. Ugh I spent three years getting myself healthy and I end up with this mess

[@mydnac]

If I hadn't read this comment I would've still been in the unknown of what happened, what is wrong w/me, and replaying scenarios over and over again feeling like it was all me. So heartbreaking. This is like a replay to my last relationship 😢

[@Quixote1818]

Goodwill Hunting is a good example of this. He had an attachment disorder.

[@eveheart2876]

Is exhausting deal with such men. I speak up and try to make it work. If the person keep pushing back. I let them be. I’m Not forcing anything.

[@SusanWinter]

Forcing any situation never amounts to success. Trust that when you find the right person, it will feel easy!

[@markfennell1167]

6:00. They feel that they are not good enough for you. And insecure of showing their deeper self.

[@arsenelupiniii8040]

It bothers me that BPD is being left out of the chat, like it doesn't even have any bearing on the problem. In actuality it is almost always BPD.

[@josephsf2452]

it's about getting to the root of why "I'm choosing people, that aren't choosing me". I believe it's a childhood dynamic that feels very familiar. In your childhood, did one of your parents not choose you? Then we create a belief "I'm not good enough, people don't choose me"

[@georginafronda496]

Attachment styles are important to understand dynamics and behaviours

[@turner2952]

This happened to me with the younger man I was seeing. It was really about his insecurities relating to money. I made more than him, and I think he was just intimidated by where I was financially. To me, I was looking for love, not money (I could make my own money) and I really cared for him. He told me that I needed to find someone with money. Looking back, I think it was his fear of not being enough, fear that I would find someone better, etc. I loved him for who he was as a person, not for what he could give me. Took me 2 years to get over that loss. Thank you for another great vid, Ms. Susan. You are helping so many people understand themselves and others.

[@Hello_its_roro]

Reminds me of the lyrics from Lizzo song, "Why men great til they gotta be great" lol. Great discussion and topic....as usual🌟

[@eveheart2876]

😂 I have a guy trying to get me know me. I Told him Friendship is better. When u say no to a man. Keep it at a no. Some men are great till They Gotta be great

[@SusanWinter]

😂❤

[@k.nicole2639]

Thanks Susan I really needed to hear this. I was blindsided by a guy 8 months into being swept up into the dream. He got me close to his family, friends, neighbors ect. Once I expressed my feelings he said it was nothing romantic for him. I was beyond crushed. Even more crushed to see him get into a committed relationship a year later. It still gets to me and I still ponder my part in it.I’m still learning and growing but man that one still stings.

[@judyb8018]

After 7 months he told me he wanted to take space 2 months later he reached out and wanted to get a cup of coffee I decided not to because he broke my heart and most likely was dating other women in my absence. He was in therapy and not ready for a relationship.

[@IrmaClaeys24]

Had a great connection, similarities, attraction, etc felt so natural.. we spent our first weekend together, all went brilliant, great conversation, intelligent and boom 💥 he distanced himself, he pulled back and I was at odds. He has been divorced for awhile, I have been a Widowed for many years and felt finally a connection and yes he has ghosted me and even blocked me on social media, not all because I know he's snooping and I know our connection was so on point.. I am so glad to find you Susan in this discussion as I have been at odds since... and I am financially independent, I am secure, balanced, loving, etc so.. not even a goodbye. I would have never treated someone in this manner... nevertheless listening to you that he was a "prototype" .

[@bernardwinn1817]

Yes this happened back in February with me. I thought I met the woman of my dreams. This may sound crazy, but we put seven years into seven weeks. And it was a great seven weeks. And then things fell apart. Just that last morning, she said I love you I want this to work. Three hours later she said it’s over she wish me the best. And I’m saying what!! What are you say makes sense, but it still hurts something terrible.Because I had true feelings for her.

[@SusanWinter]

I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. Understand that you did nothing wrong and deserve someone that can appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve!

[@lahaza6515]

What was the age difference if you don't mind my asking. As a woman who is being pursued by a MUCH younger man whom I am secretly insane about; I already know that I couldn't possibly handle the fear of the pain if I were to allow it. I can well imagine that if I spent 7 glorious days with him as you did; I would be so wrapped up that I'd destroy it (and I'm not normally self destructive that way.) Obviously I don't know her, or you, but I guarantee she felt overwhelmed by the depth of emotion & reality that you still have living to do and she will end up devastated & demoralized.

[@ysff89]

​@lahaza6515 hi, I know this is random but I'm in a similar situation. She's 8 years older than me and went through intense heartbreak in the past. We had 3 magical months and she told me no one in her life treated her the way I did and she never wants to lose me although I can tell she was extremely scared. It was until something from her past came back and broke her heart again and she was reminded of that pain and felt so scared of the possibility of that happening again with me, that she just pulled back hard. It kinda broke me but I didn't force her to stay. Even after breaking up she would still tell me her vulnerable thoughts until one day she snapped at me for asking how she's feeling and if she's okay😂. She's gone MIA on text but still sees my videos and stories if I send them. It doesn't matter what she does because I still love her. I know that beautiful heart is the best thing I've ever come across but the person lashing out is just the scared girl that was hurt in the past. Whether I'm with her or not I'll always love her and appreciate her.

[@IrmaClaeys24]

You are THE ONLY one Susan that can and has explained this situation to the point of understanding which has puzzled me since. Thank you!!!! Greetings from Belgium 🇧🇪

[@SusanWinter]

What a lovely compliment! Thank you so much for your support!!

[@leonablack3516]

If someone pulls away they obviously dont want you. Move on if they pull away, A person can fake a connection.

[@XionTaharuMalisse]

Thank you Susan finding you & your channel has been an absolute blessing for me. This video came right when I needed it. I had been talking to a guy for 2 months now and he's exhibited just about every behavior you mentioned here. Thank you for giving me the tools and guidance to reframe my mindset on all of this ❤️

[@dinadina-px9rr]

You are so far the BEST coach iv seen online in youtube. Love with Switzerland. i needes this video today

[@sushisam3010]

Avoidants (DAs?). Anyone who knows attachment theory smells it from afar. Lol

[@avilafamily7112]

That's Ironic....A siren that don't make no noise to warn you they are a siren. The more you know!

[@Zen4life-]

Omg!! THANK YOU SUSAN!!!🙏 I so needed to hear this...I've been questioning why for a year! I do have my act together 1000 times more than him😊

[@lauraleesimons1966]

I’ve never heard of a man (like your client) dealing with this before… it’s a first.

[@taliehmirsalehi7225]

Susanne, you just analyzed the previous relationship that I had, which ended abruptly, as if you’ve been with me throughout this relationship and observed everything! (From min 7:40!!!) ❤️

[@aliona873]

I absolutely love this video ❤ ( including all the other ones ) . Thank you so much Susan ! ❤️✨ You always help me understand things and overcome difficult situations🙏🏻

[@yvonneduquette9147]

What a wake up! Awesome info Susan! 😃👍

[@Claus1234]

Perhaps one of your very deepest and most important streams dear Ms. Susan... it summarizes and illuminates ego/push/pull rebuilding of one's self-esteem, and narcissism in the finest ways. By all means - THANK YOU. Pure love to you dear woman ♥

[@dinadina-px9rr]

I love you , love how you talk, explain and how supportive and helpfull all you do is ❤

[@DrAmi973]

Susan, you are brilliant . I love you and your talks . God bless you for opening our eyes to the facts 🙏🏻💕

[@kelbell9312]

You are so beautiful, supportive and strong Susan Winter. Happy holiday season to you 2023 ❤

[@taliehmirsalehi7225]

It’s such a joy listening to your wisdom Susanne, so empowering and comforting ❤️

[@SusanWinter]

Awww you’re so sweet! Thanks for watching!

[@tanyawok8]

This resonates with me so much!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you for watching!

[@lucyloo7457]

Bravo 👏. Thank you, Susan! You have seen my posts. You just nailed it!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you Lucy!

[@LauraLau1]

Soo true ❤

[@Sarafara7]

Thank you for this, Susan! Happened to me and I am still upset about it. On the note of friends - I recently had a friend give me “advice” me that telling the guy I am talking to I don’t like it when he disappears for days on end will make me look needy lol. I want to have a talk with her soon that I don’t appreciate the advice she gives.

[@magdanovacmissouritigers6405]

very good video, thank you

[@MadawaskaObservatory]

Another great video Susan.

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@louiselouise8133]

My husband kept the act up for 7 years, the mortgage was in my name all eesponsibilities were in my name etc-occassion came up where I wantes to start my iwn business and he would need to take over the mortgage…he left me no warning blind-sided. He must have had secret debt or something because when he had to be the adult he went. Still in shock 3 years on

[@TheSarah730]

Thank you Susan ❤

[@SusanWinter]

You’re welcome!

[@brego12317]

I love you Susan! You keeps it real! This happened to me and this content is spot on and I love it. It's taken me a long time after ruminating in an endless loop trying to figure out "why". I know now it's definitely not me. It's them!😊(To add: she did tell me it may take a year for her to come around 😮)

[@SusanWinter]

I’m glad you realized that you did nothing wrong. Some people are just not as emotionally available. You’ll meet someone who will match your energy!

[@1998londoner]

Eh? A Year? Well done you for seeing the truth behind it. It is not you, obviously.

[@eveheart2876]

I love the way you view this. Is amazing

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks for watching!

[@jhlad1]

Absolutely insane. I’m going through this exact scenario. As you said, I felt the shift then he disappeared right as we were finalising my trip to ski with him. I am pretty sure it’s that he knows he will fail or he’s got something going on in the background with an ex. I suspect I’ll hear from him again but will use your advice and tell him thanks but sorry, just feeling we are not a match ❤

[@Joy-mm3cz]

Love this video Susan. Keep in mind that just because I didn’t do it “your way” doesn’t mean I did it wrong!!! We are not all the same. When a man is into you, you will know it. There won’t be questions about whether or not he likes & wants to spend time with you. (Not sex, just average activities) like going for ice cream or a walk.

[@SusanWinter]

You are absolutely correct! It should never be a guessing game!

[@georginafronda496]

Not always will you know because for done it takes time to get to know you and want to know you. I think too much emphasis on he will let you know. He definitely could let you know he likes you but if his attachment style is not secure they will bolt or drag out letting you know. Try and find out their attachment style first so you know what you are dealing with.

[@danepinar3506]

My gosh… The Seductress; the Siren… this is The Art of Seduction 😅

[@liapetrich2681]

Susan ! Love what you are saying. I’m feeling sometimes down that I’m 29 I can’t find a decent mad . People have been ghosted me so many times I just feel like I don’t have any faith that I will ever meet my love .

[@DramaScenes1]

Heyy, by chance would you like to be friends then? Im a 24 year old from the Caribbean and just thought it would be cool to connect with someone else to get a different perspective on things and just to vibe out.

[@lostieaddict]

you're amazing

[@bilqeeslaghari7546]

love you 😃 - from Brooklyn

[@SusanWinter]

Love you from Manhattan!

[@georginafronda496]

Not always will you know because for done it takes time to get to know you and want to know you. I think too much emphasis on he will let you know. He definitely could let you know he likes you but if his attachment style is not secure they will bolt or drag out letting you know. Try and find out their attachment style first so you know what you are dealing with. You also need to understand your attachment style. Attachment style will help to explain the dynamics between two people. Please learn about attachment styles first.

[@anitaspertos2544]

He constantly told me he loved me and Ioved him

[@anitaspertos2544]

This happened to me he adore me came from another state to see me

[@user-dv3hx2xl8v]

What about the explenation of pulling away because of depression?

[@jspiral360]

19:53 insecurity and they want to impress you

[@hsafranify]

These sound like they are a "cluster b special"!

[@jspiral360]

59:41 that’s superficial if im right if they think like that is never meant to be image is appearance a relationship is something you build with the other person is a deep connection or bond (I don’t know my words)that’s the process or purpose of dating no? Like it or not your bringing someone to your life is the same when we have kids

[@jspiral360]

30:57 uh susan naughty girl 😂

[@annief.9256]

It's your Pucci dress :)

[@sindhusekar1918]

😍

[@dementiaofrevolution]

😮

[@jspiral360]

25:33 that is such pity when the can handle the their Mental state the World is tough 😅

[@anitaspertos2544]

He treated me like a queen wanted to be with me went back had family there and then he told me things have changed he didn't come back and I broke up with him

[@lucyloo7457]

This just happened. Known him 2 years prior. Future faked his ass off. 4 weeks later, poof gone. Then said, I’m figuring out what works for me. Really? Lol still liking my daughter, son in law and my posts. Lol go away, please.

[@youngyoo0313]

18:53

[@jspiral360]

Oh thank god you are my religion now amen 🙏🏼 42:24

[@SusanWinter]

😂❤ glad you enjoyed it!

[@youtubealiasoriginal]

"hej din gamla skojare"😂 so funny, im a swede. That means hi you old joker

[@SusanWinter]

I love Sweden! ❤ thanks for watching!

[@arsenelupiniii8040]

As an adult man, I speak for all actual men when I say "WE cannot read your (women's) minds!" If we try to get to the bottom of the problem we get blocked and willfully misunderstood. In my final analysis, it is time to grow up ladies. Most of us good men have had enough and are enjoying our financial freedom.

[@jspiral360]

26:33 is not your fault is the society we created once we turn into father we give our daughter the cheat code to survive 😅

[@amygalvin1799]

They found greener grass or just lost interest.

[@lucyloo7457]

Future fakers, at it finest.

[@markpack1111]

The live shows are distracting and hard to follow

[@jspiral360]

20:40 i get disappointed easily and in my mind “what else your going to lied 🤥 about instead of healing yourself ❤️‍🩹

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@jspiral360]

30:11 I realize later on that what i want is what i need, but you don’t want to admit it to yourself or u don’t realize it 🫤