Attachment theory is the science of love | Anne Power | TEDxWaldegrave Road

NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker's personal views and understanding of the nervous system and attachment. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
Attachment theory now has a global reach through social media and provides insights and
support to individuals, parents, couples and professionals who provide care. This talk tells
the story of attachment theory’s emergence in 1950s London and provides three key takeouts from John Bowlby’s thinking:
• All behaviour makes sense in context
• Security enables curiosity
• Learning to regulate our feelings gives us new opportunities in relationships.
Anne Power is a couple therapist who writes and speaks on attachment. Her book, Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck? provides a voice for couples in diverse cultural settings to describe how they achieved long-term satisfying relationships. Annie posts accessible attachment theory on Instagram @and_attachment / and_attachment . She has a KZbin channel sharing interviews with therapists speaking about attachment.
/ @contentedcouples
Or use the handle, @contentedcouples This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@chafaq]

Attachment theory should be thought early on at schools. It would save the world so much pain and struggles. Not so many therapists know about it actually. I went to couple's therapy with different therapists and none of them understood that the biggest problem in my couple was the anxious-avoidant trap. Broken up since but here i am now working hard to heal my avoidant attachment to be in a better place the next time love comes knocking on my door 😊

[@annepower2912]

thank you so much for writing. I agree 100% about how useful it would be for kids to learn about attachment. I congratulate you on getting to know your own attachment strategy and I hope you can be compassionate towards the part of you which developed that - for all of us it was the best way to deal with th particular family we grew up in.

[@Shaiyene]

I've been saying this too. We need to teach this early, not after mistakes are made.

[@sam.my5064]

💯💯💯

[@AnaMaria888]

Parents should be taught before they have babies.

[@frattman]

So right about that ^ This video found me just in time. We've not found too much progress with various therapists and it's because none of them have gotten to the bottom of our problems. Seen from the right perspective, all of the problems we've had make sense. It's like all of the pins in a lock lining up and finally being able to open a door. Good luck on the next relationship, I'm sure your hard won lessons will serve you well!

[@LauraJohnson-wh8jx]

This is why loneliness impacts so significantly on mental health

[@annepower2912]

very good point. Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . Annie

[@rizishere19]

She is so gentle and calm, with a saintly demeanour. Loved the talk ❤

[@annepower2912]

So glad the talk is helpful. Nothing saintly I can promise you - having my own attachment story to keep on managing/ healing/ forgiving:)

[@rizishere19]

@@annepower2912 So glad to see your message. This is your humility and modesty. Forever your fan ❤️

[@Ensource]

more like boring. put me to sleep

[@user-md9gz4tc7c]

I loved the gentle pace of this talk. it enabled me to really take in the ideas the speaker was putting across. Ideas which are so important but which require reflective attention. Really important and informative talk. Thank you

[@annepower2912]

So glad that this was digestible :)

[@reallyaprilstarr]

She’s good at creating a safe space. 😍

[@waterlilynymph]

It’s true. I fell in love with an avoidant at a distance and it caused my anxious/disorganized style to become more secure because when I learned to slow down, trust and give him space to feel, he always comes back. We have been talking for two years long distance and can’t seem to let go of each other. In the beginning it was rough with me questioning him, going off on him, but I pulled way back with my anxiety and just now observe and love him, and I truly feel it’s been a healing process to bring me more into security within. I believe he is feeling more safe as well, which is why he still tells me can’t wait to marry me one day. The more secure I become in his love, as well as my self love, I think that day is soon to come. But either way I will be ok cause through this experience I healed my anxious attachment style.

[@annepower2912]

It's inspiring to read of such a process of learning. Great that you could think about the big picture and the push pull between you. Sometimes that is too hard for people and they are more comfortable blaming the other person for having 'attachment issues'

[@TheVeggiekat]

Good on you. My relationship with an avoidant as an anxious attachment made me give up on love. I tried giving him space and communication methods, timing, and quantity as he wished but it just kept becoming the more I gave to make him feel secure the more he did to let me know i was unlovable and he would not be controlled by me or anyone. No matter how small I made myself it was never enough. I’ve ended things with him but just never want to risk feeling so bad about myself ever again. Some people just aren’t meant to be loved

[@annepower2912]

@@TheVeggiekat I'm really sorry that you had the experience of becoming small in a relatioship and no wonder that's made you very very cautious. I hope your sense of being loveable is growing back.

[@davidefacchinetti2084]

I feel like I am in a similar situation as i can be quite anxious but I am trying to slow down and reflect on what I can do better. When you say 'give him the space to feel', what exactly do you mean by that?

[@annepower2912]

@@davidefacchinetti2084 I think slowing down is a great step. It allows you to notice your triggers and have more choice over how you respond.

[@ivor000]

I would like to add: my theory that why these types end up attracted to each other is that being triggered by the one you love, and who also loves you, that when both persons understand the dynamic this way, they are both in the best position to work on themselves, for themself, their partner, and the relationship and when this happens: magic

[@annepower2912]

Great way of describing the win-win, provided partners have enough security to do the work. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@BlueskyDenver]

Except there isn’t one issue that usually affects the individuals, there are many and by the time you’re in a relationship it’s a bit too late to be trying to salvage the relationship when you’re in the middle of a full blown arguments, fights and hurtful things have been said and done. That’s why it’s important and crucial in fact that people work on themselves before they get into relationships, marriages and before they bring innocent children in the world. And when people are in a bad situation in a relationship truly at that point salvaging a relationship is as good as jumping from a 10 story building and expecting to land on your feet.

[@user-vc6xc7wo1j]

Fantastic, Anne! You have truly captured the essence of attachment science! This is one more excellent contribution from you! I'm proud to be your colleague and friend!

[@annepower2912]

I'm proud to have you as my teacher :)

[@asayeed2853]

Eloquent, articulate and engaging right from the start! A pleasure to watch x

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for your comment.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@MariBe.]

My dear Annie. I love your soul, spirit and speech, your deep, loving thoughts, your clarity and purity and sensitivity. Great talk.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for your very generous comment.

[@annepower2912]

That's so kind:)

[@juneyang1400]

Absolutely. The attachment is the science of love. It saves our child.❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@johnbeveridge6060]

'The gift that keeps on giving...' Thanks Annie for a beautiful and clear talk on the science of loving.

[@annepower2912]

I'm very happy to have grown up as a therapist beside you.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much dear friend :)

[@joyngwolo2523]

Safety enables learning 💯

[@islandbreeze2102]

Excellent talk. I love the slow and easy pace of the lecture. It allowed me time to think and let what you were saying sink in. Thank you for giving us the formula to self sooth ourselves: Slowing Down!

[@annepower2912]

I'm so glad it's useful. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@shivaniuberoi5767]

so much wisdom in this talk and such practical takeaways for me to use in my relationship with my daughter, partner and others. Thank you Annie for such a thought provoking speech!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for commenting it great to hear of it being useful:)

[@rolfzartner7267]

Do well presented Annie . It reminded me to my time in school when we spoke about attachment. My wife wasch big fan of your speech. You were so calm .. well well done Annie

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for this support.

[@user-lk7zd5ux3s]

Brilliant - so calmly and clearly presented. Thanks Annie XX

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@IanADolan]

One of the most intelligent and best presented TED Talks I've seen, congratulations 👏 thanks for sharing it.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much and I'm really glad it spoke to you.

[@IanADolan]

@@annepower2912 I was saddened to learn about the passing of Dr Sue Johnsone, I have seen some podcasts since researching her after watching this, an inspirational and pioneering woman.

[@rowenahutchison4822]

Very clearly and sensitively expressed. I love your talk, it really is the science of love and if only it could become a more mainstream understanding of how each one of us functions. Keep sharing Annie! ❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@maryscurr924]

Clearly & beautifully expressed Annie. Thank you & I look forward to more

[@annepower2912]

Dear Mary, Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@mamtakaushik5941]

Thank you so much for the insights and talk. I have been studying child psychology to understand the kind of person who I am and how I relate to others. After knowing my attachment styles, I reflected a lot but how to be securely attached was still there to be find. Listening to the talk and reading people's opinion to attachment, I am sure that by adopting self reflection strategies, I will be able to master it. Thank you so much.

[@louisecundy1084]

So clearly articulated - thank you for telling this 'science' as such an engaging story. It really makes sense

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@annepower2912]

You're so welcome. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@carliesheehy7136]

This Waa so beautifully articulated. Thank you.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@SheriJacobson]

Such an impactful concept, eloquently delivered. 👏

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@AnthonyHeston]

I absolutely loved this speech. Great job Annie!

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate the feedback:)

[@louisehatch4874]

Beautifully spoken

[@annepower2912]

Huge thanks to you Louise:)

[@mai2415]

I very much need this explanation now. Thank you Annie

[@annepower2912]

I'm so glad it was helpful. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@lemawiffen4719]

Very thought provoking. Great speech Annie.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much Lema :)

[@user-pd3gv8ns4i]

A beautifully told story about life to take to heart.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and for commenting

[@Beccanator007]

Phenomenal! This is resonating on many levels. Thank you Raphy!

[@CouplesCoping]

I really appreciate your feedback

[@user-uo1sw8up9t]

Excellent talk Anne, so calm and sensitive.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@sudipsaha2964]

The power of Attachment is very impactful .

[@annepower2912]

It really does colour our lives, for better or worse.

[@nicj5354]

I'm anxious avoidant - best of both worlds 😊

[@annepower2912]

Our attachment strategies always develop to help us get through the best we can in our early family life. So we have a lot to thank them for, but they can give us a lot of work too...

[@anamseraj8189]

You mean worse? Yep both of us bruh

[@vintkh629]

or fearful avoidant (they can be both anxious and avoidant)

[@nicj5354]

@@vintkh629 same thing

[@nicolaisnpain03]

Hahab.. same .. it’s kinda confusing.

[@user-le8zf8vb7t]

Wow fantastic presentation! Thanks for explaining Annie.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback:)

[@pilateswithjessica6089]

Beautiful speech. Very well spoken and engaging

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate the feedback:)

[@nadinephillips7665]

So well said and beautifully delivered!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and writing :)

[@cassandramaetowle6053]

so gentle & calm 😢😢

[@annepower2912]

I'm reallyl glad it spoke to you. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@lorenachen2768]

Beautiful insights. Thank you

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . Annie

[@Mary-tj5qx]

An examplar of great teaching.

[@annepower2912]

That's so encouraging - thank you!

[@christinedriver7509]

Great talk Anne - really informative, beautiful, clear and moving.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@rayandrews566]

Thank you Annie. Very clear and engaging. .

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback :)

[@jamesforshall3318]

I enjoyed that and found it very interesting. Very well told. Thank you.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@s.h.3622]

with curiosity and respect can we look at our emotions♥

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Yes look up Byron Katie on How to process though our emotional thoughts. Her work is free or low cost. Highly effective.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting

[@graciela_digitalnomad]

Loved it, thank you for explaining so eloquently 🙏♥️

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and commenting. It's my passion so it's a pleasure for me.

[@juliadinizrios8950]

I needed this sooo much!

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@louisehatch4874]

This idea resonates so much!

[@annepower2912]

this makes me happy!

[@user-fv9dd7wj3o]

Such a concise and helpful discussion!!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@ekaj07reltub]

Excellent talk. Very informative.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate you commenting.

[@nadaabdelnasser1396]

I needed that, thank you ❤

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@handan2927]

excellent talk! Thank you!

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@alicelennard]

She us so so good and to the point! Always love the English

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for such kind words :)

[@IRSamsara]

Excellent. Thank you.🥰

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@pascal72ify]

Fantastic TED Talk!!!! WOW ❤️❤️❤️

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting!

[@FloraCruft]

Annie what a wonderful talk, well done.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback Flora:)

[@user-lw7pn5li9j]

A fantastic speech well done Anne!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@ayushayurveda83]

Phenomenal talk..thank you!!!

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@_meta_data_9992]

From Belgium, listening and repeating all day today, so amazing

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting

[@Milicavucicevic98]

❤

[@esthercollins4323]

Interesting talk Annie, thank you. Well done ! x

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for your comment

[@charlies4015]

Very informative and eye-opening.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for viewing.

[@user-pv8dm6lt6s]

Thank you Annie for your wonderfully clear and well paced talk. I will be sharing this!

[@morryswigs2005]

Excellent talk.

[@CouplesCoping]

I really appreciate your feedback

[@onthatileprincess555]

I enjoyed watching this

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@narregohorses7276]

Fantastic info 👌 👏 Thank you thank you thank you 🙏

[@annepower2912]

thank you for watching :)

[@markgreen2714]

Learning about it after a twin flame relationship with a disorganized woman led me to a DNOTS and i am finally healing and life will never be the same.

[@annepower2912]

I'm sorry you've had a difficult journey but great that attachment thinking is helping.

[@user-pq1jr6ye1d]

Than you for your Talk, it was great❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@sallyvaughan1231]

I read the piece on you in Therapy Today this morning, not a lot draws me in these days but I thought who is this woman, I need to know more! This talk and presentation really fulfils my style of learning. In the middle of some Carolyn Spring training too, this is perfectly in line with my needs. You talk from heart and mind combined. Thank you.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and sending such an encouraging message. You sound like a very dedicated learner so your clients will be lucky. You might like my book Contented Couples - the couples who shared their stories are inspiring.

[@sabinapaica]

Wow. Very powerful Tedtalk. I really hope it will reach as many people as posibile.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and commenting:)

[@JQWELLIN]

I could listen to her speak all day what a lovely person

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for your encouragement :)

[@arthurthomasware5004]

Enjoyed this talk. There is always a however, and my however is this: Why are the removal of fears described as love? Is relief from stress love? Is reliance on a safe relationship love? Certainly it better enables love to rise into consciousness, where it can be felt and radiated. But love is our Essence. Love is what we are when ego, or the imagined self is - albeit only for a moment - laid aside. Love does not flow from our conditioning, it penetrates through it. To me, attachment is not love.

[@gayatridesai_1]

Great talk ❤

[@annepower2912]

thank you for watching and writing:)

[@raquelfernandez9082]

Thank you 🙏🏼 Me llegó como anillo al dedo Gracias 🙏🏼

[@annepower2912]

Muchas gracias por mirar y por tu dulce comentario. Esta expresión me recuerda a las dedaleras (¡las flores!)

[@tamandua67]

Very insightful, and with clear takeaways. Thank you!

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@balancemovement]

Beautiful

[@iAhmmdd]

It was really interesting. It explains how our early relationships affect how we connect with others as adults. By understanding different attachment styles, we can improve our relationships and avoid unnecessary conflicts. The talk also highlights the importance of mindfulness and self-awareness. Overall, it shows that being open and vulnerable is key to building strong, loving connections.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and writing a great summary:)

[@karingelxringel]

Most amazing ted talk I’ve ever seen.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@sajithomas2158]

Amazing

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@Suspended24]

Amazing way to describe the complex emotion we call love. I absolutely love this clip. Thank you Anne Power!

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and writing. Really glad this speaks to you:)

[@gregandcarrie2]

It is hearbeaking to think that parents were encouraged to let children "cry it out" and were told they were spoiling the child if child was held too long. So much damage since to generations.

[@annepower2912]

I agree, it is so sad when a culture gets hold of such harmful ideas about raising children and we still have a way to go in really respecting them.

[@happilysara]

Phenomenal

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@IsabellaMPipitone]

this queen in her button up

[@darleneaugustinofficial]

I wish many people knew about the attachment theory and how traumatic it can be to pull away from someone they once gave love to.

[@annepower2912]

You sound like you have reall experience of relationship loss and the courage which may be needed to make a necessary separation.

[@DD-pz3kf]

I have a conjoined twin and I can relate so much to this talk

[@annepower2912]

That is so interesting - twins have such a very profound form of attachment. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@nadiasanza7568]

We all need someone...

[@annepower2912]

Absolutely - thank you.

[@ayushayurveda83]

Eloquent speaker...truly ..attachment theory ..the science of love

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@alexmursell1758]

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I really feel that this exceptional woman should marry David Attenborough and make documentaries on life. A place of safety and a platform for growth, of which you can provide for yourself??? Beautiful understanding, a massive progression in humanity is achievable when we understand and respect the fundamentals of our existence.

[@annepower2912]

I've only just read our lovely comment and I'm laughing out loud! Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . Annie

[@annepower2912]

Yes, she is such a loss. she contributed so much- her thinking really shifted ideas on couples.

[@annepower2912]

Yes, such a loss, but the impact of her work lives on in the training of couple therapists in EFT model so they can make this available to couples in trouble.

[@marianarodriguez-gn5kh]

Idk why I am having a hard time understanding this TEDtalk... lol I have been watching it over and over

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Are you familiar with attachment theory ?

[@Kristi-vq3qe]

She has lots of wonderful theories but most of it is so abstract that it’s for no use. How do you stop adrenaline rush, increase the feeling of safety when you are alone and finances are running low or when you partner is lashing out and so on… I agree with you

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

@@Kristi-vq3qe but you can recondition limbic system

[@annepower2912]

Sorry it didn't work for you but thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . There are lots of other videos on YT which cover this - the School of Life are very good. Annie

[@annepower2912]

@@Kristi-vq3qe Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding. You put a really good question. If it's possible to work on regulating ourselves - eg using breathwork which is taught on many YT videos - that could be a real help.

[@maya_unplugged]

Attachment style is a traumasymptom, not personality. Heal that issue But don’t victimize yourself by identifying with your symptoms.

[@annepower2912]

I certainly agree that our attachment style develops from what was less than ideal in our early home, sometimes from traumatic relationships. Thanks for watching and writing.

[@sheetalsaklani1816]

Like how gently the speaker talks.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting.

[@user-wf6wt5ol2n]

Thank you, very helpful. I would love to hear more ❤

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding. If you would like to read more please do look at my book, 'Contented Couples'. Annie

[@rafet744]

I love her gentle Informative style 😊

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . Annie

[@foreverkenzie2397]

I feel you need a consistent I order to heal and that's really tough now a days

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and commenting.

[@kristinhanssantos2907]

Wow

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding . Annie

[@potterb39]

imo, this is dead on, thank you. now I don't need to read that book attached, phew. ❤

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@serradjsoma8240]

❤❤❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and commenting:)

[@AnaMaria888]

Ambivalent attachment style is the most difficult. Borderline is linked to this attachment style I think.

[@annepower2912]

Yes, I agree that a borderline response (often switching suddenly between seeking closeness or distance) can be thought of as disorganised attachment. Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@Dan1ell]

Besides anxious and avoident, what other types of attachment are there?

[@annepower2912]

Good question. There is secure (the most resilient one, where we have a good sense of self worth and trust in others) and disorganised (the most troubled one). You'll find more in my book, Contented Couples. Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie

[@charivnick]

My German Termins are too slow, they take too long to wait like 2-3 months or sometimes weeks, and the wait makes me anxious which makes waiting not healthy or happy

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Good, but there are 4 attachment types, and she does not mention this. The 4th, a blending of the anxious and the avoidant. Called fearful-avoidant. Good speech.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Yup that's me

[@SpeoLori]

It is about the importance of emotional safety, quite shallow otherwise.

[@danielnosuke]

“He noticed that young creatures attach to their caregiver. They attach to the one who provides safety and comfort and he stressed that this attachment to a supportive other is not just for babies we all need someone to whom we can turn, whose presence soothes us when we're troubled.” I don’t see how that’s not obvious. “People seek seek closeness when they need protection and they protest when they're separated.” Um, yes… is that so ground-breaking?

[@annepower2912]

I do see your point but actually this was revolutionary - he was laughed at because it was held that babies attach to the one who feeds them. Thanks so much for watching and commenting and apologies I'm very late in responding :) Annie