3 Ways to Avoid Getting Sucked Back Into a Toxic Experience or Relationship - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Have you ever experienced euphoric recall? Which of the tips will you try to prevent yourself from getting sucked back in? Remember to download the guide here: terricole.com/avoid-toxic-relationships-guide

[@msevolution2317]

The ick list was a game changer and it was VAST - no backsies

[@annegroarke7567]

So very helpful Terri. My “ick list” is under construction, thank you ♥️🌸

[@alessaxn]

This is timely! Thank you, Terri. My motto going forward is "Reality recall: NOT euphoric recall".

[@terri_cole]

🙌🙌🙌

[@Rainbow19]

The best quote! "Our day-to-day lives are not a weekend in Paris. Our day-to-day lives are how understood we are, how well someone knows us, how well someone treats us, how cared about we are." ~ I also want to add that all of this can only happen, as the Prayer of St. Francis suggests, in how much we seek to understand our partner, how much we seek to know our partner, how well we seek to treat our partner and how much we seek to care about our partner, as we wish to be treated.

[@littlecat2222]

I need to listen to this everyday to remind myself to not go back . Thank you so much Terri .

[@No_1_Importantt]

That you, Terri. I do this often and each time I return or rekindle an old relationship it always turns out the same. Funny that you've posted this because I just realized this very recently. I had no idea that this behavior has a name or is common. I really appreciate you offering alternative solutions/ways of thinking.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Jennifer. Glad it was helpful ❤

[@gregariasanchez1801]

I just experienced the mean side that comes after the love booming... You desglosed so well that euphoric recall! And the toxic relationship happens to be with my mother. To think that she finally "really" loves me and wishes me inly the best, is a ever coming dream. And one question: Do you have your Boundary Boss book in spanish?

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced this, Gregaria ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion. Boundary Boss has not been translated to Spanish, but I will let my publisher know you've requested it! ❤️

[@nuriamolina5544]

I've recorded myself everyday throughout the relationship. So I have all the precise and detailed proff in my own voice and yet, I do struggle to accept it, even when I play it back and pay full attention to my words and feelings. It's so hard to fight this on my own. I live with my narc parents, that was my main reason to relapse with the narcissist relationship.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️

[@karenr5870]

This is applicable with a covert narcissistic/ codependent mother too. I am pregnant with my second child and almost two months ago I made the tough decision to go no contact with my mother for 10 days after she crossed a major boundary for the last time. Since then I’ve limited my contact with her to only 2 times per week. She also deploys “love blaming” attempts in order to get me back into her life full time to keep extracting narcissistic supply from me. While, it hurts me to be estranged from her, especially while I am pregnant, it has been the most healing decision for my mind, body and soul. Thank you for your content. I love your book, it has been such a powerful tool in helping me realize my mom’s boundary destroyer behaviors and how to navigate my boundaries like a boundary boss! Thank you for your work! 🙏

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much love and compassion, Karen ❤ Thank you for sharing your experiences. So glad Boundary Boss helped you!

[@christinerobertson9596]

I was no-contact with my mother and gradually let her back. She is getting up in age and gave me some money and her car. She made me in charge of her banking. At the same time, though, she takes control of everything including my 28 yo daughter. She has crossed this boundary years ago and acts as a go-between daughter and me. She acts like she has the inside scoop of my daughter. I told her I how I didn't like it, and I'm her mom, you're the gma. She said "It's all in your head." Wow! So toxic. When I go to pick up her car, I will be staying separately. Thank You Again, Terri!!💚

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Christine ❤️

[@AA-lq5pu]

My ex never said anything critical of mean to me. Which is confusing. He was just constantly coming home very late and constantly texting other woman. And then threatening me if I even being up or ask who he is texting. Its confusing. When i was ill he neglected me and i almost died due to lack of medical treatment.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️

[@sally5256]

You are Amazing. This is so helpful! I just read the Audio book Boundary Boss and bought it as well so I could do the exercises! Also recommended it to many! You are brilliant!

[@allisonb.8492]

WOW this was a very good episiode......VERY well explained, esp about daily life and how that felt with the person.

[@bakers-wife]

I loved this one! Im a recovering addict (11 years) And Ive been pulling back from narcissistic family members! I love that you said look forward but dont forget where you came from! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated, Lisa ❤️

[@kgrymp]

This video holds the essence of human pain and suffering, and how to tackle the hardship and difficulty of life happening…In addition, you make it sound so incredibly easy to understand through your gifted speaking. I love the way you combine science in your conversations, so Brilliant Terri!!! I so appreciate you!! ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much ❤️ I appreciate you for being here, watching, and commenting!

[@reetee-sr3iu]

Married 21 years this may 2023,he's 10 yrs older , codependent relationship with physical, mental, emotional , verbal, spiritual, and financial abuse denied rejected from day one, he silences me like mute, the disrespect and disregard for him self , me my wellbeing disregard for Life, I filed for a divorce this morning, I feel sad for him, I'm battling with myself so I will not allow him back for more sane , what can I do to strengthen my will? Thank you for your videos 🙏👍❤️

[@debrealawrence5220]

Hello! First time here, and I feel hopeful. Have so many issues From my childhood that I am now noticing how they are causing relationship problems in my life currently. Looking forward to learning how to deal with this. I am an empath and my last relationship was with a narcissistic man. First time I ever encountered and boy, did he do a number on me. I have never been so hurt and crushed and am learning now all about this.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Debrea ❤️ I am happy to have you in my crew here. You might find this video on how empaths can protect themselves helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5iqkJ-pd5ushLs

[@SilentFigure1]

As always incredible content. As always younger everttime I see U.

[@L...P]

I wonder if you might sometime address estrangement of family members due to religion, politics, etc. and how to either maintain relationships or stay open to reconnection. I have an adult child who has been radicalized (and who also has autism), and it's been very tough to stay connected. I'm guessing many others are experiencing pain in this area.

[@Wingsandflowers77]

This is such an amazing lesson! I need to do that more frequently...play the tape forward. I can't thank you enough❤

[@terri_cole]

Yes!! You're welcome 💕

[@Irina-gh5fu]

Oh my, this is by far the most useful video I've seen on this topic. I have been struggling to move on after a relationship with a narc for almost a year now and I have been feeling like going nuts. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome Irina, glad it helped ❤️

[@Audiofatuation]

I just ended a toxic relationship yesterday. I ignored so many red flags because he love bombed me awhile. My dad is a sober alcoholic I have no contact with. My ex was similar in diff ways. I *actually* thought I'd broken the cycle of unavailable men. I truly did. I'm 40 & wow so much more to undo. It hurts alot. But I am grateful I am out.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with both compassion and joy that you got out ❤️ I have an older video on how to stop repeating bad love patterns that may help (in time): kzbin.info/www/bejne/jaTRgYt6os6oo80

[@chilloften]

Euphoric recall, I need a list for every area of life. I sit in nostalgia at times. I don’t like it. And ultimately it has moved me backwards in ways.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@Jbelly275]

Nostalgia is a son of a B. It really freaking is. It does me such a disservice and I deeply feel for you. 😢

[@Jbelly275]

7:45 wow play the tape forward! Powerful

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your aha moment with us 💕

[@L...P]

This episode was spot on for me. My relationship with an active alcoholic ended 3 years ago. I sometimes find myself slipping into nostalgia for certain aspects of our time together, but then deliberately bring to mind as many painful memories as I can (and there are a lot!), in order to pour a bucket of cold water on my fantasies. In the early years of our relationship, I remember literally telling a friend "It's like a fairy tale" - yeah, the wolf in sheep's clothing! At the same time, I acknowledge it wasn't all bad. Because, honestly, I did receive some gifts along with the bad stuff. Not that I ever want to repeat any of it. But now I'm afraid I'll be duped again and so avoid men altogether. A conundrum.

[@carolynwilson7736]

I remember my relationship with a functional alcoholic. I will never forget waking up in the morning and walking into a bathroom covered in vomit. The toilet, the shower, the sink, the floor. He was back in bed sleeping it off and couldn’t care less that I had to wake up to that. Never ever again am I living with alcoholism

[@terri_cole]

Thank you both for sharing, L and Leigh ❤️ Witnessing you both with compassion.

[@rayyjayy274]

❤ you Terri

[@littlecat2222]

This is super helpful and practical!! Thank you so much for your advice. I just landed on your channel and I found your content wonderful !

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, TP ❤️❤️ So glad all of these videos are helpful for you!

[@tammylines2779]

i’m more than happy with your videos Terri when i get some more time i fill you in on my life my mother was a loving mom to me and at the age of one my mother Got married and he became my stepfather , i had more a Sheltered life and over the years she was slowly becoming like my stepfather he was Strict and i got a brother three years younger than me and another brother about two years after my first brother- i will get back to you, four years ago about a year after my stepfather and three months later my mom passed away i was given a nice 10 inch I pad from the cancer center and yes i had a bone Biopsy 2016 I was diagnosed with chronic my losses Leukemia because bone cancer, a little over two months ago i didn’t have to take the Chemo pill Sprycel that I was taking I am so happy I’m still doing good I will get back to you

[@terri_cole]

Hi Tammy, I'm glad you're doing well 💕

[@tammylines2779]

@@terri_cole thank you 🙏

[@robinlynn8087]

Thank you Terri! You are amazing! 💞🙏

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, Robin ❤️

[@tammibarnes5229]

Just want to say thank you so much for all the amazing videos and information that you give to all of us All your videos are very inspirational. And knowledgeable Please keep doing your videos 🙏❤️🦋

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Tammi ❤️

[@tammibarnes5229]

@@terri_cole 🌻💛

[@deliaostafi1332]

I find your videos so helpful, thank you for speaking so deep about these topics! ❤ I find myself an empath and the information you are sharing is so relatable. Can you also make a video about that situation when a friend is rummaging or digging up for questions and topics that make you uncomfortable, coming with the argument that the topic they want to discuss is part of the reality, thus I should be at least curious about it in their opinion. There are also those situations when in a group of friends people share some personal stories which are sad or frustrating and maybe you do not find yourself in a similar situation and thus you don t have something similar to share, and then the attention is brought to you: “you haven’t been to something like this? Come on, dig a bit, you are not a bit curious?”

[@moen4645]

Thank you for this video Terri. Love the psychological depth to this content and its importance. Wondering if you have already done any videos on ~Motivation or can hear your thoughts in future. I would also like to revise a video on "why what others think of us-affects us- and how to maintain a strong &valid attitude of what is our side of the street and what is not" Thank you very much. 🤗😊💗

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you liked it! 💕 I did a video a while ago on the danger of caring what others think here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hZKkh2WmeJp7j8k and also specifically, people-pleasing in relation to your love life: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rouvcmaXgrKim7c This video on codependent vs caring might give a clearer idea on what is on other people's side of the street: kzbin.info/www/bejne/faO9Ymimi56SkM0 What would you like to see on motivation? I tend to look at it through the lens of internal boundaries and keeping our word to ourselves, and I think you may have already seen those as I did a few episodes on it recently!

[@moen4645]

Thank you for sending this videos recommendations in answer to my question Terri. So appreciated. I'm interested in the psychology of motivation& and what drives human behaviour. More specifically motivation and emotion and motivationalproblems such as procrastination and avoidance. Thank you for your answer. 🤗💕

[@terri_cole]

Well I have done a video on procrastination! kzbin.info/www/bejne/qX3Cenluqdeoh7c might be close to what you're looking for ❤️

[@emipopescu3257]

Well, so... Even knowing this, why the fudge am i keep going back on repeating the same pattern? I just can't.. 🙈 I can't say no when someone's in big crap, but then i'm getting in big crap and then i say "never again". but nooo...

[@terri_cole]

Hey Emi, change takes time, so look at your raised awareness as step one to changing what’s not working around this! ❤️

[@bla.ck.coffee112]

A topic I feel like isen't really talked much about is recovery burnout. (NOT BURNOUT RECOVERY) Where you been recovering for a longer time. Worked really hard and just getting tired of the constant inner work and problem solving etc. Feeling like it such a slow process and you are not feeling motivated. Overthinking everything you do or think, and the constant weight of trying to do and be better. hearing or reading about self help becomes upsetting and annoying cause you already tried so hard and heard it all before. How to handle that without relapsing into toxic relationships, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, self harm etc. I feel like recovey can become your whole life. Where it all becomes about fixing your life. Your life has become this project that you fight to keep running ("and do the right thing") Cause when you do research a lot of self help you kinda get this idea of how everything should be and while thats good to know whats healthy and not, it can also create a feeling of your life just being wrong or you being wrong all the time. So while there has been made process it does not really match up to the huge amount of work you put in. I would love to hear your thoughts/advice on that.

[@terri_cole]

I hear you and I think this is very valid. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of work into yourself and your healing, and it can feel like the road to recovery is endless. I think it’s important to reflect on the work you have done and the ways you are seeing yourself improve, while also defining recovery for yourself. No one is perfect. You will never reach a perfect state of mental health. Stress is expected and normal. Anxiety is expected and normal. It sounds like some validation and self-soothing can be helpful here. Reminding yourself that the goal isn’t perfection, it is to feel good. You are also not alone in these feelings! ❤️

[@bla.ck.coffee112]

@@terri_cole thank you for your answear and advice💕

[@Milkyboots23]

Hi Terry, do you have any advice about disassociation? And staying in your good feelings?

[@terri_cole]

I would need to know more. Are you experiencing it? How often? For how long? (If you make it a new comment, rather than a reply, that makes it easier for me to spot!)

[@Stephcurry-3030]

Can we talk about coparenting and boundaries please.

[@terri_cole]

Noted! I did an interview about being a step-mom which lightly touches on that (more about having a blended family), in case it's helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/npyVlIN8l8ajqMk

[@terri_cole]

Hey there - I know this is a late reply, but I just published a video about boundaries and co-parenting as I know several folks had requested one! You can watch it here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hmGzaI2updWob7c

[@cherishparkhurst8124]

What if the addiction is not of drugs of alcohol and its vulnerability of heart and mind and we start to realize it's manipulation and mind games and not drugs and alcohol how would we trust to love anyone again with out those sorts of issues ahead of us

[@terri_cole]

Hi Cherish- I am not sure what the question is. If you are saying you are addicted to love, there are support groups for that, like SLAA (projectknow.com/sex-addiction/sla/) where you can get help.

[@maryhartley512]

Im very confused, even at my age. 61. We have great sex best ive ever had. Yet he always tells me hes stressed with work, so im lucky if I see him once a wk. I only get one text a day, he doesn't reply to my text until the next day. Hes always sorry, that im upset. He just cant cope. Yet he seems to be fine and not stressing at football or crib. Yet we dont argue. So is he stressed or just manipulative?

[@terri_cole]

I'm not sure if I have enough information to tell you, but I think you should trust your gut, Mary ❤️ If you've had an honest conversation with him (which you might have if he knows you're upset), then I think you need to decide what you want to get out of this relationship. What would make you happy? If it's just the sex, great, but if you want to see him more often and he doesn't seem willing to make that work, then you need to decide if this is the right relationship for you. You have a right to negotiate for your needs ❤️

[@brendarees9404]

That's called Stockholm syndrome.

[@LCarefortheworld]

Aren't we responsible for our own feelings and pain? Aren't we making ourselves the victims (ick list)? I'm confused.

[@hayleyb467]

it can be helpful to know what we like & don't like

[@mm7846]

This video is amazing! 🫶💗

[@terri_cole]

So glad you liked it ❤️