The Covert Narcissist Test

[@redsquirrel1086]

My covert narc was the most energy sapping, emotionally draining individual I have ever come across. Once the devaluation started I was utterly exhausted the whole time. I was trying to keep up with somebody who didn't want me to keep up. She kept moving the goal posts so I didn't know what was expected of me. It was mental torture, and I think she loved every minute of it. I think she got off on watching me do somersaults in an attempt to please her. Thank you David.

[@rorywright5692]

I’m all too familiar with the game of moving the goalposts on you! Nice to see you here!!

[@TheRonaldbaxter]

Yep

[@nancypolichemi8963]

@@rorywright5692 Good morning everyone! Hope you all have a great weekend 🌷... Working on myself by not letting "them" get under my skin 🤞. Wish me luck!!

[@rorywright5692]

@@nancypolichemi8963 Good morning, Nancy! It feels good to not let them get under your skin, doesn’t it! Have a great day! Enjoy the sunshine ☀️😎

[@nancypolichemi8963]

@@rorywright5692 back at ha Rory 🌞

[@hopeinhumanity.]

I’ve noticed the covert types don’t like to work hard at much of anything in their life although I know this isn’t across the board. Great video David!

[@rorywright5692]

I’ve noticed same thing! Why would they when they think they are perfect, nothing is ever their fault, they are always right! They have to be! What’s to work on? Thanks so much for your comment!

[@lawrencedavis5459]

my ex was a covert. worked no more than a few days a week and always complained of feeling unwell. Her house was a shit show, never did housework and couldnt take the slightest criticism. classic,

[@rorywright5692]

@@lawrencedavis5459 Good to see you here! My husband worked hard, but played just as hard and had many hobbies and toys! He never put as much into our family as he did his pastimes. He probably would of been considered a hoarder.

[@daviddemars]

Thank you! Many narcissists will find their identity in their work and work too much. But, they can be extremely lazy.

[@michaeljackson7361]

They are lazy

[@devaadams2258]

It's a hard truth to see (once you can recognize them) that they are ALL AROUND YOU! My goodness! It can be overwhelming! But I'm learning to just move on and not waste time with them.

[@rorywright5692]

Nice comment Deva! They like to gobble up your time for sure!!

[@nessauk2786]

These types will never take accountability for anything they do or don't do and if you pull them expect silent treatment or ghosting.Their level of immaturity is so low that normal communication is almost impossible..This is when they are quiet..then when overt they will joke sarcastically and project everything back onto you...They have one mask for you and another for everyone else.They are masters of playing the victim yet with a mask of innocence.Child like naivety! Hi David thankyou for this reminder video.These are very two faced masked people with a entire body suit infront.

[@rorywright5692]

Great comment Nessa!!

[@daviddemars]

Hi Nessa! Because of the lack of communication, you find yourself trying to guess what they will do next and how you want to react. You can just feel the tension with passive aggressive people, waiting to find out how they really feel about something.

[@Tanya0203]

Absolutely 100% this is exactly what my marriage has been for 19 DAMN YEARS. That’s how I figured it out like a damn sledge hammer to the face with the mocking and of course gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting all the time, silent treatment. Walking away in conversation, overtalking….and mirroring!! And he showed very, very little in the first 7 yrs of our marriage. Then gradually over the time no affection, emotionally, physically little things here and there to put you down. I’m pretty sure I’m in the final discard with him and I just don’t even care anymore it’s so exhausting. I am literally taking steps for myself and my girls

[@kuiniotepo]

My family ticks all the boxes in Cluster B, antisocial. Borderline, histrionic, narcissism, I feel like I'm becoming an expert and then something new pops up, I like your interpretation of the behaviours that I have witnessed.

[@rhysweaver7178]

My ex was a covert. After a few years together she got comfortable enough to practice all the techniques like Gaslighting, fake crying and mocking on me. A real sit show of a relationship. The fake crying was like a punishment. 🤣🤣🤣

[@rorywright5692]

Hi Rhys! There were signs before we were married. He used anger, turning into rage, intimidation, silent treatment, trapping me in corner! Just to name a few! Thanks for your comment!

[@daviddemars]

I'm sorry Rhys, don't forget the feeling so if you ever feel this way again, try to stop it by communicating or walking away. We fix relationships or we end them. Thank you for your comment.

[@rhysweaver7178]

@@daviddemarsThrough all that shit the one thing that I've learned from the experience and had develop by watching videos like yours is a tempered sense of. Compassion for them. I have them new shoes ready for walking in case I ever get caught up in another one of these horrible codependent relationships. 👀

[@holynationclub]

that fake crying act - so animated, yet so accurate! 🤣😩 And the "I'm the worst mother, just shoot me now!" is 100% spot on. My mother would get into such a deep end in this that she would yell at me in a commanding way "I'm horrible! Kill me! Kill me! You a hate me, so kill me, now!" waving her hands in front of my face, poking, and trying to provoke me. One time she was trying to give a knife. I believed she really wanted me to do it. It happened many times throughout my childhood and into adulthood. It was insane. I'm ADHD/Aspergers - my communication has always been direct and I value logic and common sense, so I was her scapegoat, oh how she hated me for it. I remember how she whined to my father about me, "I'm too stupid for her! I can't take it! I can't tell her anything!" because I would question her illogical behavior - I wanted to understand. The never-ending confusion was exhausting and messing with my head. It would make her furious. She tried to put me in a mental institution, just to get rid of me, and call me insane. I even went through an evaluation with a few doctors, but they never found any reason to take me - which I always hoped for because it would have been better than living with her! But they told her I was gifted. So it backfired. I called her out in front of the entire family so many times because I hate lies. They would tell me "Oh, your mom is so nice, so kind, and does this and that... you must love her very much!" and I could not just agree with it. I'd tell them, "No, she's completely different at home, she yells, beats me up, lies about me. You don't know her like I know her, she hates me" and I would get punished later on, physically, with leather belts or heavy-duty cables. She would beat me to the point of barely breathing. I could tell it was her "therapy session." She's probably a sociopath, too. The extended family hated me, too. They quickly realized "she doesn't keep secrets" so they never trusted me. They might have had their own dirty secrets, afraid I would expose them, too. Plus, she always turned them against me. She's no longer in my life, thank God! Yes, He rescued me! I know you don't believe in spirits (I heard you say it in another video), but let me tell you: when I was about 8 years old, and she went into a rage, I saw a demon's face shift out of her face for a moment. It was terrifying, and extremely angry, and growling. I was so scared that I started reverse-walking, backing to my room. Once she realized I "saw something," her rage ceased and she just walked away. I thought I might have had a mini-stroke. It never happened again, but it was real. I told her that one time 30 years later, and she smiled with that nasty "I know it" smirk, and seemed like it made her feel superior. Gross. Well, she no longer has power over me. Greetings from Chicago!

[@cbs577]

I got rid of all the narcs in my life but still, one can't avoid them at the workplace. I came here after a long day fraught with negative energy. Your impressions of those losers crack me up every time. Thanks! 🙏🏻

[@rorywright5692]

Hi C Bs! Hope rest of your day goes great!! Laughing is the best!!

[@taraarrington2285]

I like his impressions too 😂

[@cecelialenore5576]

"they're nice though, sometimes" hit hard, even though it's a simple concept. but its not for people who have dealt with toxic people! it's those moments that feel eternal enough to hang on. But it takes time to realize those moments are just not worth it, and they're not worth waiting for.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

I really love that one question you said a narc probably can’t answer- which is : what are your short comings & what can you improve about yourself . HA ! I’m gonna start asking this & check out the reaction to it.

[@nancypolichemi8963]

Hi David. Great take about behaviors. I've learned not to criticize, or ask for accountability because they will rain down with contempt and no matter what it's never, ever their fault. In the video, as you were making a point with your finger, is exactly what they do. Nothing is their fault and that apology...? Not holding my breath. It's like dealing with an alien while trying to keep them from a very raw attack if the boat is rocked. Seriously. Once I said you hurt me and POW! All on attack from years ago not taking her to lunch at Panera in high school. What??? Freaking crazy.. so crazy it's almost funny. Thanks for the video.

[@rorywright5692]

Hi Nancy! They can’t even fathom that they hurt you! They think you are wrong for feeling hurt! Then comes the rage! Know it so well! So glad I don’t have to deal with that ever again!

[@millville]

I stopped criticizing or asking for accountability etc for one main reason ... that I don't want to confide to them what I think or feel period. They would always tell me what I thought/felt or didn't anyway so all I had to do was sit back and marvel at what they might come up with!

[@daviddemars]

Thank you Nancy. People must be held accountable but for those who do not accept, they can stay out of your life.

[@nancypolichemi8963]

@@rorywright5692 Yes! That's exactly what they do. It's your fault you're hurt. Everything is your fault. If it rains in my wedding day it's your fault too. It's just so crazzy😱

[@Mawmawsoffherrocker]

Thank you for saying that it's NOT easy to not be drawn to a narcissist. Healing is difficult, triggers are difficult and staying true to yourself.......NOT EASY. Great video!

[@yuliayane6928]

You’re refreshing, especially the examples are on point thank you

[@carolovesteven]

The most common phrase I hear from coverts is …”I never said that.” 💣

[@Willa4420]

Yes notice the fake crying. I call it Dry Crying.not tears or mucus. No red eyes or snot just all an act. I DON'T know why they try to pretend. Yes get rid of toxic people. Find your happiness. You will not enjoy happiness with fake and toxic people in your life.

[@Willa4420]

@@jenniferellis9249 Hi Jennifer Ellis 🎀

[@rorywright5692]

So very true Willa!! Great to see you!

[@Willa4420]

@@rorywright5692 Hi Rory Wright GREAT to see you too. 🎀

[@daviddemars]

Hi Willa, the fake crying is so uncomfortable. You dont want to call them put but you don't want to be anywhere near them.

[@LucyFre]

I had that experience. First it was : " small things where taken as attack on them , like it hurted core of their soul" And they never forget and forgive . Its like open wound. For example ; you where late for train station 7 years ago and they cant go over it . They bring it as argument every single time. After while you think : they collect evidence files against you like prosecutor.You think : " what the ...h...ll ? Go over it .And generally negativism. Not seeing bright sides of life but concentrating on negative. Passive agresive mocking ... " You even cant chop onion in kitchen ,you do it slower than me . You see ? You are useless . You cant do anything succesfull in your life" .. Not taking criticism and hipersensitivity .Even if you lool at them from wrong angle , they think God knows what. But they are not sensitive to you. When conflict arrive -the go to judgment strigh away ( no criticism black & white thinking ) They are not curious .( They figured out evrything already)

[@jeanette-and-ernie-atthe-a3271]

Commission of TRUTH which is deliberately replaced by LIES

[@beachgirl4]

Thank you from Croatia

[@bryanpauly8519]

Keywords or phrases about the covert narcissist- one that is now out of my life: punitive and passive aggressive. Uses silent treatment for weeks. Smear campaigning and mocking. Name calling and humiliation. Explosive anger. Overactive inner critic. He plays the rescuer role like a pro… I emulated this person (from afar) my whole life. Once I moved in with him, I saw these desperate attempts to control. He had a borderline living with him and when I used his techniques on her, the proverbial plane crashed into the mountain. On the surface, he (brother in law) is hilarious, handsome, clever, polite and compassionate. I could go on and on about his good qualities but do not attempt to have an interpersonal relationship with this person. Him and I are similar. We both even sneeze outside because the sun is so bright. Our trauma is as hard to recognize as our covert narcissism.

[@MissyHelena]

Hi David Helena again from the Netherlands! So gratefull you're still making vids David! Love watching them. I wish people more often critized me because then I would be able to work on myself and my mistakes and behaviour. Why is this you think that people just want to keep everthing nice all the time? Thanks a lot for your time and keep up the good work! Greetings😁

[@daviddemars]

Hi Helena, good to see you! Its dependency, can't take chances losing people and failed relationships so its easier to pretend everything is okay or just complain and not do anything about it.

[@rorywright5692]

Ohio Rory! Hi David! Never could figure out which they were Overt Covert, now I think both! Omission of truth was big one! Like pulling teeth to get the whole story , if you got it at all! And not in right order so it was like a puzzle you had to piece together! Change of topic!! So much so, you couldn’t even remember what the original topic was, and you ended up not even caring anymore what it was! Lots of mocking, cuz apparently I made a big deal out of everything! Apologized to me, my knowing that there would be some kind of punishment around the corner, just like you mentioned with gritted teeth and a smiley grin! I think nobody likes criticism, but after you think about it, introspection might lead to an improved you! Like, maybe I could of done differently, handled something better, listened more! I don’t like to admit it, but I have shortcomings! Lol! One thing I can do is work on myself. Thank you David! Wasn’t expecting another video so soon!! This was nice!! Have a great weekend! :)

[@daviddemars]

Hi Rory, great to see you. Never forget the feeling you had when someone is not working with you. Equal effort working towards the same goal.

[@rorywright5692]

@@daviddemars Thank you David!!

[@scottoz7891]

😮😅😮😅 NAILED IT..👏👏👏👏👏👏..

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

Hi from Genya. I can agree how lying by omission is the same as lying. My last ex-boyfriend/ex-husband would reply to my question about smoking with words: "I don't smoke". He knew I didn't prefer smokers and would avoid relationships with anyone who smokes. So, for almost three years of seeing him once a week, he'd claim to not be a smoker. And I didn't see him smoke. He only said that he used to smoke in the past and quit smoking permanently and that he never wants to go back. He claimed to be very happy about quitting smoking. I actually felt proud for him. Yet, when we started living together, somehow I caught him smoking occasionally. Then I realized that he smoked regularly. As I caught him with smoke, I was very surprised. Soon enough, I asked him about what happened and when he decided to smoke again. He then said that he always smoked and that I shouldn't be surprised 😯. Then I reminded him how before we started living together I asked him several times about smoking and he always said that he didn't smoke! He replied to that: "well, that day and that particular hour when you asked me - I did not smoke! But when you would leave, I smoked. But you never asked me afterwards. So, I never lied!" But of course I saw him in front of me NOT smoking whenever we were together. So, obviously, when I asked about it, I meant not the very instant moment of us being together! I wanted to know if he smoked in general and throughout his life. Even if he quit smoking just for a few hours of our time together and then went back to smoking after we parted, saying "I don't smoke" would be lying by omission. He omitted to say the rest of the sentence. And a full answer would be: " I do not smoke only when I'm in front of you during that one day a week when we meet. Other times, I'm a full-time smoker every day." But he only said the first 4 words every time I asked him throughout the whole time of us dating (which was almost three years).

[@paulsenzig9097]

Hello David Paul from Wisconsin and have a great weekend

[@rorywright5692]

Paul, Hello!

[@daviddemars]

Hi Paul! Thank you very much and please enjoy your weekend too.

[@emilemerten6535]

from south africa Hi David Narcissists that Changing the subject happens a lot. They change the conversation so that they are always right. Also you ask them to help you a specific way like moving something heavy but then she says ‘ You do it, if you know how it should be done because I can’t.” Then she walks away and because you can’t do it alone you have to go and apologize and she treats you like it’s your fault. When my mom had menopause she would change personality extremely quickly, she would just break down crying for no reason and blame you and then my dad would buy into it and side with her and they both would ignore me. She would always validate and agree with everything he says and if I tried to point out something that he did wrong then she would ignore me.

[@rorywright5692]

Hey Emile! Changing topic so up their ally! Always have to be in control, even of conversations that in the scheme of things are just chit chat. Then they walk away leaving you to think what the heck just happened! If I asked for help, it was always met with “now, you wanna do that now?” “ well that’s just stupid” or”I just worked all day”, “but it’s my day off”blah blah blah! He was good at taking sides, mostly with himself! So toxic for us , Emile! For our sanity, we have to get as far away as possible, I’m about as far away as I can get! lol! Have a really great weekend, Emile! Thank you for your comment!:)

[@emilemerten6535]

@@rorywright5692 thank you Rory, I never could put a finger on it but something always felt wrong.

[@rorywright5692]

@@emilemerten6535 Same here Emile! Working together on it seems to help!!

[@emilemerten6535]

Yes

[@daviddemars]

Remember how it feels Emile. You can always walk away and don't rely on people like this.

[@nicholecornes1915]

They will tear you apart

[@becca7038]

Hey I've done the mostly no tears cry. It is because I was trying to show I was hurt but at the moment I was so hurt I was numb. But I just needed to express it.... As my parents laughed or ex "look you got no tears"... So it's not always manipulative in a complete dishonest way.... But maybe I just need to walk away when hurt because I find when ppl hurt u when they are supposed to love you, they don't care.. and hey David Becca, Indiana :)

[@rorywright5692]

Hey Becca! I remember doing same thing! A lot of times, my tears made everything worse, if that makes sense!

[@lisasweeney8789]

Thank you David for this video. I couldn't stop laughing 🤣😂 you are so funny. Brilliant video. I certainly agree with you on its only when we step away and give ourselves space, this is when we finally get to see just exactly what we were dealing with in our lives. Lisa

[@rorywright5692]

Hi Lisa! Space can make a world of difference!!

[@lisasweeney8789]

@@rorywright5692 Hi Rory, that was so funny, David has a great way of putting things 😂 it's good to laugh. Yes Rory I totally agree with you, in the beginning my head was all over the place but with time and distance I began to heal and eventually move forward. I'm still doing alot of soul searching but I'm in a much better place these days. x

[@rorywright5692]

@@lisasweeney8789 Boy, is it great to laugh! I too am doing a lot of soul searching, at the same time remembering to give my self grace for things I had no idea were in play! I learn so much here from David and the commenters! I’m in a whole different place than I was before, and it feels great! Not to say I don’t have setbacks, but it seems I can bounce back faster and better than before!

[@lisasweeney8789]

@@rorywright5692 Oh yeah I get you Rory, I can have some setbacks but isn't it great that we can bounce back again. I don't know about you Rory but it will take me an awful long time before I can ever trust again. Also forgiving ourselves is so necessary on our healing journey x

[@rorywright5692]

@@lisasweeney8789 Trust at my age is a hard one. I’ve trusted only one person so far, but we aren’t in a relationship. Forgiving myself is a work in progress!

[@susanhamann2903]

Nailed it!!!

[@daviddemars]

Thank you Susan!

[@weronikanijs950]

Hi David, weronika from the netherlands, i really hate the fake crying,their eyes get wet,but thats it! What is that?! Ones i just watched to see of tears where coming,then he of course saw no emotion on my face and he wrinkled his face and cryed like a baby and forced 2 TEARS!! out of his eyes, that is the most i have seen in 6 (lost?)years. Love your video's

[@rorywright5692]

Hey Weronika! Thanks for your comment! He also could not stand when I had no expression on my face when he was upset about something. No reaction is the best. They don’t know calmness so they want you to be that way too!

[@daviddemars]

Like a child, can't help themselves and reliant on you. I hope you are well Weronika, thank you for your comment.

[@JohnM...]

I've found that a narcissist often uses the phrases: "I don't appreciate.." or "I don't think I dsserve" or "I don't understand what I did wrong but.."

[@michaeljackson7361]

Just treat them like they are 5 years old to get on their level.

[@carolovesteven]

I watched a covert ex turn overt at the end of the manipulationship.

[@John-jl3ky]

I had a experience actually two experiences with a guy I work with, I normally don’t get into arguments with people I just don’t do it it’s not my nature but there’s two times that I got into a pretty big argument with this guy and all he did was mock what I was saying the whole time and I got madder and madder, until I was yelling and calling him names I was so furious, and he kept mocking me, and he just kept mocking me, and he’s just Mr. nice guy, happy go lucky nice guy but there’s a whole different side to him, I’ve got to get away from these two guys I work with it’s a small company and it’s time I start working for myself . But I see right through this guy and the guy work for also is unresponsive when I told him what happened it was weird he said well the bathroom turned out good, we were working on a bathroom, construction, didn’t acknowledge anything about the huge argument and everything that happened, pretty weird, it makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve taken responsibility and said hey you know I’m responsible for half of this and on and on but no one else is taking responsibility for anything.

[@rorywright5692]

Hi John! Got to be hard when it happens at work cuz that’s your livelihood! Hope you do get to start your own business!! Thanks for sharing!

[@John-jl3ky]

Rory Wright Thanks Roy, I’m definitely working on it, I’m no longer thinking about it I’m actually taking some action. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, thinking about it doesn’t create it taking action creates it.

[@millville]

I appreciate examples regarding workplace encounters. Thanks!

[@John-jl3ky]

MAX New No problem, I don’t know if they’re narcissists or not but David was giving examples of some of the things I experience with these guys. I mean hell I could be the problem I don’t know, it seemed to me that our egos were clashing so I’m part of the problem also probably, but the mocking was crazy

[@rorywright5692]

@@John-jl3ky Good for you!!

[@nicholecornes1915]

No win win 😂 its funny when your out KINDA

[@jedrzejszelc058]

Hello David, thank you so much for all your hardwork. Is interrupting someone a sign of possible (or even pronounced) narcissistic traits? I am talking in particular about a situation when you want to tell the other person that they have wronged you and instead of listening, they keep interrupting you. It touches upon this video's subject, I would think... ;) Thank you. Best regards from Poland, Andrew Szelc PhD

[@rorywright5692]

It’s like your words mean nothing to them! I get what your saying!!

[@millville]

I noticed that 'interrupting' trait very distinctly. It wasn't specifically when I would be expressing something difficult, it was whenever I was about to speak or do anything at all. It got to a point that I would only say a few words to start a sentence and stop & wait before attempting to continue. It also got to a point that I gave up on speaking in full sentences and would just stick to a maximum of three words said as quickly as possible then shut up. The same for when I was about to do something/anything at all. I would just stop & wait. Thanks for mentioning this trait.

[@jedrzejszelc058]

@@millville Thank you for your testimony - this is sad to read. Sounds more like a hostage situation than a conversation.

[@rorywright5692]

@@millville Not only interrupting, but he would talk nonstop. Just when you thought he was done so you could interject, he’d say”and then” and babble on! By the time you could say anything, most times you’d say I forgot! He had a three question rule! You ask three questions about same thing, he would blow! I had to try to somehow get 3 questions in one short sentence. Just crazy making! I feel your pain!

[@daviddemars]

Hi Jerdrzej, thank you for your comment. People with personality disorders can typically have very poor communication skills in the first place due to childhood neglect. What is more important is narcissists objectify you and have a light threshold for peoples feelings and needs and wants and opinions. They just don't care and will forever attempt to control and manipulate you. They do not value respect for others and do not value what you have to say.

[@emma5404]

Hi David. I have notice that covert npd are often men and that overt npd are often woman. And also that the overt npd is harder to mix up with bpd. Have you notice that too? I think thats interesting and i would like to know what you think about it. 🙂 I see what I did Im sorry I will try not to hurt you agian Omg.. they will NEVER say that and meen it. They only say it if they want something from you! Wish you all a great weekend// sweden 🌻

[@rorywright5692]

More like I will say I’m sorry but now I will still do the same thing but be more sneaky, and behind your back about it cuz you’re the reason I do this anyway!

[@emma5404]

@@rorywright5692 yes, they think that we are the reason for everything... 😆 my god.. i didn't know i had that power... cool 😆🙈🤦‍♀️

[@rorywright5692]

@@emma5404 😂😂😂😂

[@pulledtoworkout2833]

My new landlord is a covert narcisstist. Jesus christ.

[@yehhshhs]

subscribed :D

[@nicholecornes1915]

They do SUCK

[@tessamohler3021]

Can I have my husband removed from my house because he is neglecting me my health and emotional and mental health is neglected leading me to severe sickness? What can be done? I can’t leave the house because of my illness.

[@yehhshhs]

please make a honest vivideo on vladimir putin and the war going on :D:D

[@nicholecornes1915]

That shit will kill you

[@nicholecornes1915]

Coverts are hell and impossible

[@nicholecornes1915]

Disgusting