The discard: What the avoidant tells themselves

#discard #breakup #divorce #heartbroken #emotionallyunavailable #avoidant #relationship #avoidantattachment #dating #relationshipcoach #insecureattachment #situationship #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #attachment

[@Flufero23]

This is so true. I heard all the "reasons". Some were absurd. Lol.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

😂😂 Yes they are crazy xl

[@OneManCollaboration]

Bro I experienced this recently and it is PURE INSANITY. There’s nothing else you really have to say besides that. Reality bending and absolutely maddening work as well

[@tallspicy]

Sometimes they get triggered by something they feel makes them feel less than... incapable of repair, unaccepting of repair.

[@gayleneflower398]

"They Gaslight Themselves", hahah...Good One Coach!

[@gayleneflower398]

They trigger from you wanting to get closer

[@Ken-od7gc]

Your videos are awesome at helping me really realize I made the right decision to walk away from my avoidant.

[@marykane2695]

"You're crazy" "You're hysterical"" Huh? I just wanted him to love me

[@MadiSon-555]

An abnormal reaction to an abnormal and cruel situation is a NORMAL reaction. You're not crazy. Mine calls me psycho every time I try to discuss things like adults! It's so disheartening.

[@patrickburns4821]

I was told I was acting " mad weird" when I told her I wanted a future with her in 3 to 5 yrs

[@gayleneflower398]

@@patrickburns4821 yep, your to blame right?

[@MadiSon-555]

"we're just too different" "you're just really hard to love sometimes" "I just can't do this anymore" "I just want my freedom" 🤦

[@shadowmoses0022]

I got the "we're just too different" line as an excuse for being discarded. Bet our ex's mind will be blown till' they find out that EVERYONE is different in their own way.

[@Nyenae]

I actually got hit with "we're too similar", lol, because we both have past trauma (which makes me super understanding and patient with him), but apparently that's a negative 😂

[@MadiSon-555]

@@Nyenae ugh that would be so frustrating to hear. And yeah they're soooo backwards. They like demonize true love and caring and think it's manipulation. So sad to see it tho, but equally hurtful to us when they do that to our love. Ugh grrr lol

[@MadiSon-555]

@@shadowmoses0022 I even said during an argument one day something like "do you think if you got in another relationship that these issues wouldn't resurface..like they're gonna come back up you might as well deal with them while you're with me" but I doubt the message ever got thru.

[@shadowmoses0022]

​​​​@@MadiSon-555 True and same. When problems arise, they just leave it like unsolvable problems. It's like Arguing or talking to a wall. Lol. And most of the times it's stonewalling. With mine, I realized with this style, every arguments after the honeymoon phase are like this, it goes no where, no teamwork, no closure. Heck, sometimes the "problems" are swept under the rug and nothing gets resolved. Staying longer in that kind of relationship will cost one's own mental health. It will be miserable. The secure movement after being discarded is just go no contact with them and work on ourselves to be better versions of ourselves. As coach Ryan said in his other videos they are rigid in their dysfunctional beliefs and their subconscious and maladaptive defence mechanism are their way of dealing emotionally inducing situations or even life in general. Unti they get professional help, it's unlikely to change their subconscious. Not a reflection of ourselves, but them.

[@satyajeetpatnaik3780]

Mine has few narc traits too but her reasons were "career, I dont want to take this any further" etc. We had a lot of bad discussions but I can say that she was overreacting and trying to ghost me in such situations. 2 months passed, no change. She blocked me and I have stopped chasing. I am slowly moving myself out of her bcoz it hurts. This behaviour can never be a good sign to sustain a relationship for the long run. She also called me clingy bcoz I was asking her whats the matter, lets talk. As an adult, we all need to communicate. I gave her space, but 2 weeks ?? Why is that? She ghosted my texts for weeks and she dint even have this mindset of being guilty. We cant make someone act in a way which makes them an adult and shows basic emotional maturity. If you lack of accountibility and run from hard convos, then its impossible to expect ur presence in any part of life. I am trying my level best to move on but sometimes it hurts. A relationship is always 2 sided. There is no rocket science that days will always be good & u can turn off, run from ur partner when infact u need to talk. I have seen her struggling with taking ownership on what went wrong from her side. This kind of childish behaviour is not acceptable all the time. I am so done. Cant bear all the burden alone where she is enjoying outside like nothing happened. Sadly, she lost someone who genuinely loved her all the time and was ready to lead a decent life.

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

Yep my ex was famous for saying.."we're just not each other's special person." 🙄

[@Ahicksaf]

Lol an emotional healthy won't say that btw, they either will not get into the love relationship affair. or give it a real try knowing that they have feelings and they'll give the other person time and value to see if it can expand to something amazing.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

My two avoidant exes said i was everything. 😂😂😂 Geen touw aan vast te knopen as we say in dutch. And no i do not do avoidants anymore. Learned my lesson 😂😂😂

[@KVG822]

Just say Thank you, next and move on.

[@patriciapeeters7]

Like a robot....

[@willyjansson3995]

"How they think" Last piece of the puzzle. Fantastic explanation. Thank you so much!

[@MisSaLiMaRi3]

lol this is soooooo accurate. You explain it so well thank you

[@hilaryfalkenberg9348]

Thanks coach Ryan! This helps me tremendously!! ❤️

[@carla_sc_1984]

He knew I was the right person. This avoidant was aware. He told me a family member died, and then that he would have a new phone number. Both lies.

[@claudiablasu6940]

You just described me. I just can't accept love. I don't even believe someone can love me. But knowing what the problem is ,is better. Because I can now work on myself

[@gayleneflower398]

Then DO IT and stop hurting people

[@JoeNationTV]

Nailed it.

[@azinegg]

Coach Ryan” why does the avoidant put their mother on a pedestal , knowing that she put others before them, time and time again?

[@TrickRacing]

dude this happened to me, the mother is controlling her

[@roshawngreene7069]

So basically they're their own worst enemy when it comes to dating, love and relationships... Unless they actually try to work on themselves and get some help, they're fuct for life!

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

No they dont want it. At a point they isolate and are ok with their crazy. They don t care and are happy. And that is ok.

[@stefanmatton8778]

I love how the anxious attached play continous victim, as if they dont have issues to resolve themselves but sit on a cloud of superiority because they're not "as bad". Pure narcissists

[@en0ia]

ultimately, I think anxious try to earn love avoidants just know it does not exist

[@amymartin3929]

Claimed Relationship ran it's course, doesn't want a relationship , drinking, easy neighbor

[@mifsud26]

How do they repress them so well, I find it impossible, and I'm meant to be fearful avoidant, at least in my last relationship

[@Flamey34]

I genuinely loved her with all my heart and soul,but she decided to rip ir apart with excuses like "you should focus on yourself,you should move on,you deserve someone better than me,i cannot bring myself to be friends with you again" ultimately pushed me away..that was last year in December after 8 months of No Contact...and then i stopped i wished her well and told her that im never gonna bother her ever again...

[@Flamey34]

I cannot bring myself to be able to invest the time i did on our relationship with another person,i am just too tired to get used for my time attention and sometimes even small amounts of money..I figured out its not worth it

[@kaykay422]

What about saying, “it just didn’t go the way we both hoped it would”? Or “I’ve never wanted anyone more but I can’t be with them “ as the person is literally sitting right there fighting for them ?

[@gayleneflower398]

When they don't give you answers, then you wonder why? Are you an avoidant?

[@i7abella]

Hey there! If you see this..I just wanna request that you turn on the volume on your videos so that I don’t accidentally deafen myself with the advertisements in between when I binge watch your videos 😄🙏🏻 Thanks! 🙏🏻 And God bless you!

[@LorenaBerrenbaum]

I ask my x what can be my contribution of him shuting down, he said, hes always like that wanting space and time alone, that i dont did anything wrong, he said im so sweet and nice.😂😂😂 I dont even know what he means..

[@MsYooToob]

Mine said the same thing. Said I was perfect and did nothing wrong. That he got scared and ran away.

[@MadisonEstes]

Yeah my ex suddenly created a SECOND weekly board game night in the middle of a four day time span he was supposed to spend with me, hense the reason he "needed" to reschedule with me after I'd cleared my plans to be with him. Two board game nights, one soccer night every week, plus every Saturday morning he has soccer so that we could never stay up late on Friday nights...he made himself too busy for me or anyone else to get close. He seems happy, although I wonder why he acts like he wants a serious relationship and then self sabotages by making himself too busy. Oh, and I wanted to go to one of his board game nights and he acted like he wanted me to go when we first started dating, but then when it looked like I might actually go, suddenly the NEW board game night was JUST for the original people in the group. Basically a 34 year old man saying "no girls allowed". I'd laugh if I wasn't in so much fucking pain.

[@karltan9461]

I know exactly how you feel. Although im a male and my FA is a girl. The way they treat us is the same - you are gradually degraded to the lowest position on their priority list. Mine needed to make a scrapbook for her grandparent and thus didn't have 'time' for me, one of many things. fuck that.

[@Lostandtobefound]

What’s the music in the background?

[@Mds_7868]

Shield of Faith by Spiritual Warfare Music Epic

[@face2799]

Covert narcissists

[@chelseajackman7730]

Mine always said "the right one" was a false concept based on pagan tradition. I laughed in his face and called b.s. right then and proved to him from the Bible we both read and believe in that that is a crock. 😂 I think he was always too scared to admit he secretly believes in "the right one" because that means he missed the boat in his first marriage that ended in disaster, and admitting he was wrong and played a part in his life getting ruined was just not something he was willing to admit. I hope he has done some serious reflection on that in the nine months since. I know what I know. He's SUPPOSED to be my husband (I believe in destiny and divine orchestration). He's SUPPOSED to be the man I spend my life with. Whether he makes the free-will choice to step up to that or not is the million-dollar question.

[@laurajohnson1632]

How quickly does this “switch” get flipped??

[@chelseajackman7730]

Sadly and frighteningly, it can literally happen in the blink of an eye. Just as we get blindsided by the discard, the avoidant can be blindsided by the fear of abandonment getting triggered. Mine texted me that morning, "Hey baby!" and at 4 pm that day he dumped me over Facebook video call. So what happened? Maybe it was something I did or said, some love I gave him, that reached his inner sanctum and I got "too close" so he felt unsafe. Maybe he took a nap and had a bad dream and woke up scared to death. Maybe a friend or family member said something like, "So when are we gonna meet our future daughter-in-law???" or "You going ring-shopping yet?" Something completely innocent that would not bother a healthy person can suddenly smack the avoidant in the face with the reality of the relationship. Hell, maybe he said to his hairdresser, "My wife and I," meaning me, and he realized what he said and it scared him. That's entirely possible because I caught him saying to his friend, "When Chelsea and I were back at our apartment today," but I didn't live with him. He let an "I love you" slip and sharply inhaled like he was trying to eat those words right back out of the air. We don't always know what triggers an avoidants fear. But I'm pretty sure it's safe to say, based on Coach Ryan's other videos, it wasn't anything that went wrong, it was everything that went RIGHT. I hope that helps. Peace be unto you.

[@mountainman88]

I saw mine flip back and forth in the same conversation. When I managed to calm her fears, she was warm and loving and admired me, then she'd flip within a couple of seconds to a cold, distant and frightened person. Multiple times in one conversation after one month of no contact.

[@ScottH7651]

@@chelseajackman7730 it sounds like he's missing out on a special person and I mean that sincerely.

[@ScottH7651]

It is scary how fast they can flip from being the most loving and caring partner to just withdrawn and even hostile. It was pure whiplash (and abusive if you ask me).

[@boogersincoffee]

Yup happened overnight in my case. We had an amazing date where she talked about all the things she wanted to do together over the next few months. She set up a movie date 3 days later but there was a noticeable shift in tone in her texts. She was panic-stricken during the short movie date and dumped me soon after. I was at least able to figure out it was nothing I did at the time but couldn't figure out wtf happened. I do understand now though. Got too close emotionally on the date before and the switch got flipped.

[@Turan854]

Is there no treatment for this?

[@spiritwanderer777]

there is none unless they want it and willingly do therapy

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

After 50 they stop it all and isolate. Even the stories to themselfs stop and they crawl in their hole and die alone.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

Ha!

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

@@BirdieHaze2207 Ha ha!

[@brendaeberhardt3739]

That’s not accurate.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

@@brendaeberhardt3739 Had two relations with diagnosed severe avoidants with a lot of therapy. They both tried their whole life to fix it. The older they got the more avoidant. Gave up the therapy, hope and their selfs. Chose isolation and peace knowing they would never heal and they could not handle the work it takes. The older, the colder they become. It is a normal process.

[@gayleneflower398]

Agree NOT accurate. They continue to f**k with your mind. Mine was 68 & still going strong. He had 3 marriages, 3 children, still cheating lying and avoiding

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I'm going to push back and say sometimes it IS the wrong person. If you keep solely putting this on the avoidant, you're enabling unhealthy behaviors from other insecure people. Two things can be true at the same time. Yes, these fears from avoidants are legit. There's no denying that. I test secure but lean avoidant and it's very rare that I connect with an individual therefore I purposely avoid dating all together. I dated someone more avoidant than I am and yes, he felt I was too good for him and he was insecure about the difference in our financial situation which obviously I could care less about. Bottom line is they have their reasons and we have to stay strong and set boundaries and leave when we're not getting our needs met. Also, heal yourself so you stop dating the same type. That's on you.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Yes, and often their reason is "I'm triggered due to too much intimacy, I run now". Which is a trauma response, not a legitimate reason for leaving.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@robertdeskoski9783 yes they do leave for that reason sometimes. You're right. The thing is like any other attachment style, avoidants are allowed to leave and it can have nothing to do with their attachment. It could simply be lack of compatability. I mean, we don't dig this deep when anxious or secure people break it off. It's like the avoidant remains under a microscope being examined just because they broke up with someone. So what if they did? Regardless of the reason, they don't wanna be there.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes: Not sometimes. Read FreeToAttach. The many deactivating mechanisms of a dismissive avoidant means that there's a high percentage chance they'll deactivate and leave a very loving, secure relationship after flaw finding for months. You cannot fight someone else's primal triggers unless they're fighting them for you. Additionally, on the subreddits for avoidant attachment you often see avoidants posting about being unsure of whether they're deactivating or their partner is not right for them, and often it seems like deactivation is the main reason (can often just be a feeling of "not feeling right", which is also another sign of deep fear masquerading as annoyance, irritation or even disgust). My DA was unsure the entire relationship and became even more unsure after the honeymoon period but she is *always unsure* and has been in every relationship. So while nobody is the same across the board and there's a spectrum of attachment insecurity, more severe DAs tend to not 100% always know why the leave a relationship until they actually go to therapy and work on their triggers and fears. I suppose if the DA felt fine when leaving their partner and hadn't deactivated or pulled away, then in that instance they'd be leaving due to incompatibility. But mine was upset for days afterwards and admitted it was most likely something they'd regret and left anyway.a