The Relational Paradox: The Deep Hurt of Hiding Your True Self

[@ScienceOfPeople]

Find out more in our full article on this topic: www.scienceofpeople.com/the-relational-paradox/

[@biglilgayeffy3253]

Vanessa your tips changed my life. I use to be an extremely shy and socially awkward person throughout High School then I stumbled upon your videos and my learned from you how to be more charismatic, attractive, & how to authentically connect with other human beings. I have always loved people but I did not know how to connect with them. As a shy person, I felt trapped because I couldn't be myself, & I couldn't connect authentically with others. Thank you Vanessa Van Edwards and everyone at the Science of People for giving this recovering awkward person the ability to connect with other beautiful, kind, and remarkable human beings. Vanessa people skills were truly one of the best gifts anyone has ever given me in my entire lifetime! *virtual hug* to you Vanessa Van Edwards.

[@enockmario5845]

Thank you a lot Vanessa. I like this video because it emphasizes the need for people to embrace their true selves and avoid hiding secrets, fears and challenges. In personal and romantic relationships, it is good if people are authentic. Keep up the good work. I have learned a lot from you in this channel and also in other podcasts. Owing to the fact that I'm unflaggingly enthusiastic about charisma. You look very charismatic.

[@Matterful]

All of this applies internally as well as with others. Thank you, Vanessa.

[@texaslovelylady]

I truly platonically love you as my sister, thank you for your vulnerability to help others. I am helped by your wisdom. Thank you 😊

[@cynthiakk5966]

In my life, I didnt have chance to meet many inspiring people. I wish I can meet you one time and love all your video and I took notes for a lot of your video.

[@garretbrent1819]

I really love your energy Vanessa, it comes across so strongly! You seem so authentic and willing to be vulnerable, and the lessons you give are always action-oriented with things you can do or think about to be better right away. Thank you for your channel!

[@sanfordjessop5956]

Thank You, Venessa! I just recently discovered your work.........absolutely amazing! I've been fascinated by people and personalities for a long time......your work has helped me in my life a lot, to understand and be able to work with others better!

[@kathrynwoods7555]

Such great suggestions on how to increase the authenticity in your relationships. And the more you practice these suggestions, the lower your tolerance becomes for less authentic relationships and the more you attract those who appreciate you for who you really are at the core!

[@ziruzadat]

Makes absolute sense. Taking action is not easy, like those steps look pretty big.

[@JennB]

Quality friends like this who actually cared and reciprocated...if only.

[@darkxridah]

I don't trust people to be vulnerable. I'm myself 100% everywhere I go. I don't care of anyone judgement. I give the middle finger of no one like me. The one who do will have a great friend. : ).

[@brianbutlerandfriends2066]

This hits me right at home

[@oreo3932]

Thanks alot Vanessa .. it couldn't be a better timing for this video .. I'm really thankful to you ..

[@bobmorgan5636]

Thank you for your videos. You're very informative and a joy to listen to and to watch. You are a great example of the info you tell us.

[@jamiewilliams8107]

If someone can't accept you as you are then they ain't worth bothering with.

[@annasmith5606]

Thank you for posting this video, you’re so right! I noticed that the only people I trust are the ones that know about my sexuality which is probably why I feel a distance from people when they don’t know this about me

[@swetarupala2488]

I really need this video... thank you so much

[@constancegoldwing5867]

Vanessa, you are a beautiful, intelligent, courageous woman who I learn so much from!

[@metalmatt5777]

Many in my close circle love you for all you do Vanessa! Thank you!

[@MrGhirbo]

Vanessa did you know many people wanted to die, and many people killed themselves because they are incomplete? I've studied Brian Tracy , Dale Carnagie, Jim Rohn , DavidDeAngelo and your book Captivate is what made me feel complete. Life has only answers, not questions now. Thank you !

[@nullzero821]

This is great advice for deepening relationships with true friends for example however in competitive environments like work, any a 'weakness' shown is often exploited by others for personal gain, so depends on context. Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

[@hanoona555555]

Great point! Thank you so much for sharing.

[@MooseCracker]

She does point out that, if you have 1 or 2 of these relationships you're rich.... I'd love her feedback on this: I've worked in many offices (other environments too but the offices often have a higher female to male population). I tend to get along well with women and almost inevitably, end up going for coffee and chats with every woman i work with (as friends). During these chats, I've noticed that women are unscrupulous, they will back bite and exploit the vulnerabilities of even the women they appear closest to. Men do so too but women seem to make it extra personal. My hypothesis is that, at a young age men learn something women usually over look.... That it is okay to make mistakes or do embarrassing things BUT - people watching want to know how you handle it. The person who cries or gets all upset and stressed becomes a target because it makes the observer feel like they can spiral down that way too. If the observer sees you mess up and still be perfectly happy persisting/ showing both acceptance and resilience, they have a sense of relief themselves. In my experience, women are also always testing their partners/ potential partners, an exposed vulnerability may well be exploited but again they want to see if the suitor has the strength and composure to handle it in a way that makes them feel safe.

[@vedpel861]

@@MooseCracker after reading that I feel as though I don't need to watch the rest of the video. Thanks for your input. I'll have to come back to this video later

[@MrsYolandicook]

Exactly! Sadly in the career world, you have to fake it till you make it. It’s hard for me to stick to that.... Hahahah I just want to be my true self all the time

[@melmel8670]

Love this video, great advice. Have a wonderful day!

[@kumaryadav9507]

I Have to learn lot from you, my friend! thank you!

[@d.collins1134]

Thanks Vanessa, I enjoy your work with the science of people.

[@completelydistracted5825]

Being a mum agrees with u, u look even more beautiful now. 😃

[@yasaminr.sayedana6221]

Thank you so much Vanessa 💙

[@JohannY2]

Thank you for making videos like this.

[@komaliwings7209]

Enjoyed the video, it's just difficult when you don't know who your "true self" is.

[@DeathAngleZoe]

You're amazing and so beautiful- inside out. Thank you so much for making these videos.

[@jamiewilliams8107]

1 has to be their true self even if it don't go down well with others

[@TROMPICO]

From Akward to awesome. I love you @Vanessa, because you love you, and I'm learning I'm loving me from your teachings.

[@kirkwood782]

Love binge watching your videos! ❤️

[@ZiroTheGameplayCoder]

Hmm... I like it. The next time someone gives out the trite "advice" that is, "just be yourself", I will direct them to this video. - Ziro out.

[@sportsport1654]

I know I have that problem, but I am seriously embarrassed to tell some stuff about myself to others, so I keep the persons I know on distance - for now I don't see the way out

[@neiturelover]

Oh I want to remember each and every word that comes out of your mouth because you are one of my favourite but I have a bad memory. I forget everything after watching any video.😢

[@JuanReyes-qe9hm]

Thank you. Very good advice.

[@katywaldrop5036]

Vanessa is a life changing rock star!🤗

[@MarinaGalstyanCovers]

Red is your colour lady!😍

[@godsso7dier]

Hi Vanessa, All of us are one family the whole world and just look at how all of us treat each other. I would say humankind is the most dysfunctional family in the Universe. Bless Hashem the Blessed One forever amen amen. Only by serving Hashem/God will all humankind find our true purpose.

[@martinpirringer8055]

You never know your true self the only thing you have is your current perception of yourself and that is subject to change

[@leserbeacerbe6910]

We cannot be authentic, we have to behave like hypocritics or people dislike you, ignore you.

[@bryanmiller630]

This video was so helpful, I loved it!

[@ariespiscesdreamer6530]

Very clear and rings true with my own experiences. What should one do after exposing themselves but because it was done, now tries to divert the possibility of pain from the confidant, and may actually start to by distancing himself in other ways from the confidant (like all of a sudden not returning text messages immediately , not returning calls promptly, etc.)...to the point the confidant notices the sudden drift away. (Hopefully this makes sense to you). Any advice to prevent the self sabotaging?

[@atstj1967]

Now that I’m 51 I’ve begun to hide that from potential partners. Most recently I connected deeply with someone is is 30 yo. Even though he knew i was older than him, i didn’t tell him how old, I would always let him guess. He would always say “age doesn’t matter”, “you are the coolest girl I know”, “you and I have a special connection”, and again would always say “age doesn’t matter”. Then when he found out how old I was, all of a sudden it mattered. I look soooo young for my age and often attract younger men, but my age tends to hurt the connection.

[@BhargeshVed]

Thank you so much for sharing.

[@loveandlight5986]

Incredible stuff again!!!😇😇

[@danruhl8538]

HelloIt's good to see you like alwaysHope you're having a nice day

[@muskduh]

Thanks Vanessa Van Edwards

[@ScienceOfPeople]

Thank you for being here!

[@Finn-940]

Word

[@lomias]

Master piece!

[@SalettaRocks]

As a transgender person, this is a huge issue...it is way better to be yourself, but there is a very real fear of loosing someone you love, your family and your house etc...all because of ignorance. ...while knowing you are a decent person.

[@sherrydance144]

great advice, very articulate. you have a new subscriber:)

[@mattjahnke239]

In my case, it's not who, but what; Fear of rejection.

[@sammacnicoll4943]

very good ,, very usful respect

[@reignofmo]

Thank you Vanessa.

[@sandro0995]

This video hits me so hard 😢 I am gay and I have no courage to tell my friends.

[@MrJetavana]

I feel like I am experiencing this with me girlfriend. I think she is holding back a side of herself. Any advice on talking to her about it?

[@goldensquirel]

You’re ‘great’!

[@geewhiz747]

But what if your "true self" is something society sees as problematic

[@nataliakralikova9436]

Thank you!

[@madkalipso]

Awesome

[@yup9832]

Thank you

[@2-3-B]

I endorse this...

[@flyrc88]

But what if your a narcissist?

[@abhimanyusolanki4333]

How to impress unknown person

[@deet5960]

what about people like your bosses? We might not feel safe with them, but we can't chose our bosses our superiors.

[@lucindaveloz2253]

good point. we need a video about this.

[@larryboyco3659]

I haven't read the recommended book yet (and definitely will!) but I see overlap from "Nonviolent Communication", which surprisingly makes very difficult conversations possible even in a "hierarchical" system like boss/employee or a strong-willed vs. more-compliant spouse/partner, or parent and child. My wife has been able to make quite large requests for changes in my behavior (yesterday, actually) and some of my employees have done likewise, but done so skillfully and in a way that is honest, respectful, clear. When the conversation is driven by mutual respect, true (TRUE) empathy, and cycling through objective observations, understanding feelings and needs on both sides (sounds touchy-feely but works in the real world) and making requests (not demands), good things tend to happen. You might have a lot more influence than you think, and more ability to add positivity to the world than you'd expect. My suggestion would be to not worry about "power ladders", but realize we're nearly all identical in how we respond to judgement vs. empathy. My life has been powerfully impacted by these concepts; maybe they'll be positive for you as well. Best wishes.

[@deet5960]

@Larry BoyCo Great insights and thank you for sharing your life example! And I agree true empathy can even open doors in work place situation, and promote a healthier workplace and improve work dynamics. Even an article about Google showed better receptivity from employees when their bosses are honest with their struggles. With that said, the video mentioned in step one said that this may not apply to people who minimize your worth and not accept who you are. It is a risk opening up with co workers or boss, some maybe understanding while others may just view it as weakness or excuses. Unfortunately not everyone has the luxury to take that risk when it is something that may potentially cause them to loose their livelihood. I remembered +VanessaVanEdwards mentioned skills on managing up. Hope she'll do a video on that soon!

[@larryboyco3659]

Thank you for the kind words. And, ah, yes, life is a bit risky. But it can surprise you, too, when you use the right tools. Sounds like you are extremely concerned about your boss' ability to hear your needs without putting all other details ahead of that. Perhaps you may give it a try, as the toolboxes in these books may surprise you. But I definitely understand your need to be cautious when our livelihood is on the line--no one wants to risk that. Maybe you could start with smaller requests to build the relationship, to be genuine... like time off or flexibility in this area or that in the work-realm. You might be surprised in a good way! Anyhow, I've worked for a domineering boss, so I understand your concerns. Here's hoping you get your true needs met (and it can take some work to get there safely, as it did me!)

[@kalimkhan3702]

Love you

[@loryicegirl6472]

💓

[@aronkal_duhoky922]

💖💖💖

[@fatimasamira3695]

Great great great great

[@markcaseon7136]

I like watching snuff movies.

[@klaasbernd]

why?

[@markcaseon7136]

Characters in snuff movies remind me of people I dislike.

[@shruthijayavenukumar]

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

[@bernardorodriguez4285]

I live my life that way. buuuut, in the real world, what you describe is wholly inaccurate. what I am is respected. this is a formula for respect and self respect. is it realistic for love and friendship? no.

[@globalvillage423]

I hide my porn addiction.

[@ehsankraja1212]

Good Advice.🙏🙏🙏😀😀😀✋✋😘😘😘🙏😘🙏 I am kind of taken as too rational or work minded,no skeleton in my closet.😀😀😀😀 @ Vanessa Hey h ru???😀😀😀

[@yasaminr.sayedana6221]

Thank you so much Vanessa 💙