The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman

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Season 5 Episode 4
What makes for a loving relationship that lasts? For over 40 years Drs. John and Julie Gottman have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships. Through studying thousands of couples, publishing over 200 academic articles, more than 40 books on the topic and co-founding the Gottman’s Institute, John and Julie have created interventions to change the way that couples relate to each other to help people succeed in the future of their relationships. In the conversation, John and Julie give me a masterclass in everything there is to know about building long lasting relationships, we cover the four key reasons why relationships fail, communication strategies, rituals to cultivate deeper connection and their latest book The Seven Day Love Prescription which distills their work into a seven-day action plan for deeper intimacy. Enjoy :)
00:00 Intro
02:06 Why do we need research about love and relationships?
04:37 Research methodology for analysing couples
06:42 What are the things that predict a relationship will be happy?
07:52 The 4 reasons why relationships fail
16:04 Strategies to overcome anger
18:35 What can people do to overcome conflict in relationships
24:30 Why logic vs emotion is a false dichotomy
33:10 Common mistakes men make in relationships
38:12 Your research into LGBTQ+ relationships
40:18 The biggest difference between men and women in relationships
43:40 Decision making in relationships
48:01 Rituals of connection
51:01 Relationship reviews
56:35 What is the function of marriage?
01:07:31 Is there an ideal age gap?
01:10:44 Relationships therapy and pre-commitment counselling
01:14:12 The love prescription formula
01:26:06 Book writing
🔗 CONNECT WITH JOHN & JULIE
📕 The Seven Day Love Prescription - geni.us/2p6rV0C
📱 The Gottman Card Decks App - www.gottman.com/couples/apps/
💻 Website - www.gottman.com/
🐦 Twitter - / gottmaninst
📸 Instagram - / gottmaninstitute
🎥 KZbin Channel - @TheGottmanInstitute
🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI
🎥 KZbin Channel - @aliabdaal
🐦 Twitter - / aliabdaal
📸 Instagram - / aliabdaal
💻 Website - aliabdaal.com
👥 Linkedin - / ali-abdaal
📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED
A Two Factor Method For Predicting When A Couple Will Divorve - Dr John Gottman and Prof Robert Levinson - bit.ly/3XzR7Oy
The Man's Guide To Women by Drs John & Julie Gottman - geni.us/lPHQxS
Processing A Regrettable Incident Booklet - bit.ly/3xnEcnY
How To not die alone by Logan Ury - geni.us/el85
The Eight Conversations That Matter Most In Relationships - bit.ly/2EkBWlG
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - geni.us/A2PU
📄SHOW NOTES & TRANSCRIPT
Visit the website for the transcript and highlights from the conversation - aliabdaal.com/podcast/
🎙 ABOUT THE PODCAST
Deep Dive is the podcast that delves into the minds of entrepreneurs, creators and other inspiring people to uncover the philosophies, strategies and tools that help us live happier, healthier and more productive lives.
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[@grafxgrl8030]

I feel like this couple is breathing life into my life, just by listening to them.

[@grafxgrl8030]

I absolutely love how they used to communicate about everything. It is such a blessing and so Healing just to hear them discuss healthy relationships and the fact that abnormalcy is really normal for all humanity.

[@kex6799]

They are paying so much attention to each other it facinates me.

[@MindKnown]

Glad you interviewed the Gottmans! Their work into relationships and emotion coaching is incredibly helpful.

[@respectthepath]

I am in tears feeling so thankful that the Gottmans studied this and share. So grateful for all the teachers in life. ❤

[@carlanthonydelosangeles7411]

The part where they mentioned that to tell your point of view calmly like you are watching both you and your partner on a theater stage was a really good one. I will give that a try.

[@ivyjerono8927]

The little things they do just shows how much they love each other you feel that energy exuded so strong 🥺🥺thanks Ali🙏

[@SunGathersDust]

17:13 I’m such a pessimist 😔. Some people aren’t psych-minded. For example, Julie says pay attention to your body and sensations that indicate you’re about to get flooded. So many people don’t know how to do that. How to listen to their bodies. They literally don’t know how to truly feel anything that’s real. Engaging in practices that build a healthy relationship requires a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to see yourself as someone with good and bad traits. You should want to be a healthy person first, and then strive for a healthy relationship. Some people will never reach that level of self-awareness.

[@xavthomas]

You can also feel yourself getting flooded, but still have to interact with that person about childcare and other shared responsibilities. And the flooding can last for days or weeks. It can be practically impossible not to snap when you are pretty much walking around hating someone you live with and depend on. I saw a quote from John saying if he could do one thing differently regarding his two failed marriages he said he would leave sooner. I think about that all the time.

[@tinaperez7393]

The most important things and decisions in our lives are who we choose to have in our lives and how we cultivate those relationships, what we do for a living, and our families / how we raise our children. And it's absolutely deserving of analysis, research and resources that can teach us the skills we need to succeed in all areas that are important to us.

[@tetokesenye397]

This podcast in particular needs more eyes on it. So many gems to take home. The Gottman's were lovely and Ali conducted himself well.

[@mariam.abouzied]

This video is too good, amazing applicable content

[@lmoorelawpractice6214]

Great guests great content. Thanks so much!

[@HeatherCorinneCrochets]

Loved this! Thank you!

[@mahliyoonurullayeva8305]

Thank you, Ali for such an amazing podcast with happy couple💚

[@ni27684]

Thank you so much for this interview

[@anikiforova]

Thank you Ali. Great episode, very interesting guests!

[@BeeTimesTwo]

Great interview!

[@lizethrinconcorzo2737]

This interview is a gem!! Coming in the right moment.

[@aigerimkartenbayeva]

An amazing interview, very nice points that made me think of relationships in a different way. Thank you Ali for the good content!👍🏻

[@ChrisInmanDrums]

Pumping out the interviews thick and fast I love it. Just about keeping up 😅 Really excited to listen to this one

[@valerielow4572]

Ali, you asked so many great and practical questions. Amazing interview. Thank you!

[@carlanthonydelosangeles7411]

Watching this after the latest video from the main channel. Taking notes for future references. Thanks Ali.

[@tinaperez7393]

We need education, knowledge and skills in order to be successful in anything - the areas of our personal lives are no different - self development / personal growth, relationships, parenting, mental health, communication, conflict resolution, self care, productivity, etc., etc.

[@heatherheather7107]

I had to listen to this twice. Such great content. Thank you Ali

[@thegreengatsby9803]

Wow, everything they mentioned, all the points analysed are exactly what my boyfriend and best friend talked about. Some tidbits Julie mentioned harkens to a situation my best friend described how she felt towards her boyfriend - sharing this like crazy - thank you, Ali - I am so glad you exist the same timeline as I

[@tinaperez7393]

An Ali Abdaal interview with these legends is awesome!!!

[@godsdelightagu]

This is the best podcast I've watched from Ali! The Gotmans are a great couple, and have some really good advice (especially Julie). I can't wait to get a copy of their book and read.

[@Andru]

The Gottmans are absolutely brilliant

[@AmberHerrington]

Really enjoying the interviews Ali! Thank you for the great content.

[@fatimah1]

I love the gottmans work!

[@quikqut]

Congrats on landing such awesome guests! Their work changed my life.

[@ELDEHIGHNESS]

I have just started watching the interview and got yo see that they both were giving importance to each while one was speaking by focusing on the person and i think that one is also good thing to in relationship maybe

[@qwr742]

I wonder why Dr Gottman doesn't preface by saying he has a doctorate in clinical psychology, and that Julie doesn't mention how long she's been a couples therapist and her Masters in Psychology. If I hadn't known earlier, I might have assumed they were just another set of pseudoscientific authors that latched onto moneymaking subjects. These guys know their stuff!

[@AB-lb4zv]

Maybe we shouldn’t always devolve arguments to the appeal of authority . Evaluate arguments on their merit independent / respective on the sources from which they arise . I get where you are coming from tho because there can be some fools spewing foolishness online . Maybe they don’t because their work is well known

[@ziyan953]

You assume that these "authoritative" degrees mean that something is NOT pseudoscience. A false assumption. Look at the DSM and the field of psychiatry for an example.

[@lulzhh5177]

The title of Dr. Before their names 😅

[@canadianhappyinitalytruest6556]

Perhaps I’m misunderstanding things but isn’t the fallacy of Appeal to Authority only a fallacy if you’re appealing to someone who is an authority on a different subject than the one being discussed?? Like when a pastor uses the example of someone like a dentist (who is a young earth creationist) to prove that a scientist has credibly given weight to the Bible’s theory of how the earth was made? I think misplaced expertise is why we have so many conspiracy thinking people because they have not assumed an expert in one thing is an expert in all…. The gottman’s are legit researchers and experts in what they are discussing so there is no fallacy in appealing to authority ON THIS SUBJECT. I wouldn’t as for their advice about fixing my car or flying a plane but for this, ok!

[@canadianhappyinitalytruest6556]

Sorry I meant to say they HAVE assumed that (not “they have not assumed that”) Guess who is NOT an expert in the iPhone keyboard? (Me. It’s me.)

[@williambiesbroeck7959]

This is a really great interview. I think that this aspect of maintaining and improving your relationship is not lighted as much as it should be in general. So many people can benefit from information and advice that is given in this podcast. Big thanks Ali and big thanks to the Gottmans for sharing this with us!

[@dollaya8893]

Omgggg I have heard of them for so long.

[@alafiaj9802]

Omg! Just wow!

[@Nidhi_Maheshwari]

1:26:10 John Gottman mentioned "Come as you are" ~ by Emily Nagoski 📙 is awesome.

[@mitchell9169]

Was there meant to be two ads/sponsored segments back to back x 2? Just noticed it. Anyways thanks for the podcast

[@SteveSirl]

33:10 Ali trying so hard not to get cancelled 😂 (interesting conversation)

[@jameswalker366]

Relationships. . a lot of work. You’ve really got to want it.

[@TheBalaloca]

Great interview. Wish it had be uploaded a year ago hahahaha

[@mikseljamaa1954]

amazing wealth, interesting it ties into stress and parasympathetic/sympathetic statess

[@altruex]

wanted to speak on the individual being captains, I would think personally that those role may shift from time to time a instead it being a static or consistent role of power, such as the conservative ideals of a nuclear family, men being the bread winner, its more so the adapting factors or who is more experienced or knowledgeable at such… for me, im the cook of the home, while my partner is better at planning and managing technical details. im more kf the one keeping track of our relationship and finding ways to keep harmony. in a way those traditional gender roles has shifted and those leadership role change to circumstances.

[@estheraguilar7209]

What is the name of the booklet about the 5 steps in conflict resolution? I am interested in the breakdown of all the emotions that we may experience. Can it be purchase?

[@xavthomas]

They sell a cours ethat is excellent

[@glasshousefuture6836]

💙💙💙

[@fatmir9387]

Could someone write here the key points from the interview on why relationships last or fail? Please, I don't understand and I don't know how to speak English, I used google translate.

[@gobindabhowmick2747]

Hey

[@psic.juanjosealvarado]

No se pueden poner subtítulos en español

[@bluej5455]

How do you tell your partner, that it repulses you when they go around the house without wearing their upper teeth because he says they’re uncomfortable and cause a gag reflex?

[@sylvesterblue]

Ali - you are throwing in too many ads.

[@DeepDivewithAliAbdaal]

Sponsored by Huel - go to www.huel.com/deepdive and with your first order you’ll get a free t-shirt and shaker. Sponsored by Trading 212 - download the Trading 212 app trading212.com/promocodes/ALI and use the promo code "ALI" after signing up and depositing to receive a random free share worth up to £100. Sponsored by Brilliant - visit brilliant.org/DeepDive/ and the first 200 of you will get 20% off Brilliant's annual premium subscription. Sponsored by WeWork - visit www.we.co/ali and use the code ‘ALI’ at checkout to redeem 50% off your first booking.

[@moisesvelez1147]

Is it just me or does it sound like someone is humming in the background?

[@lorenzofederici6068]

She said: "This myth that men are more logical then women , women are more emotional then men. Absolutely a lie!" And she add: "the women need emotional closness in order to be open sexually" So I see a contradictory phrase here, they are more emotional in sex than men , so in some way they are more emotional, They need some emotional closness for being open sexually. Great interview but with some confusion, I don't really get this point, anyone wants to explain it?

[@NN-fz4pd]

There’s nothing “logical” about sex. It’s all pleasure and emotion. Where’s the contradiction?

[@lorenzofederici6068]

@@NN-fz4pd She said: "This myth that men are more logical then women , women are more emotional then men. Absolutely a lie!" And she add: "the women need emotional closness in order to be open sexually" can you see the contraddiction? 🤣

[@selamyemane1640]

When did ali become this slow?!

[@AdamS_Lucky]

What is this channel? Ya Allah.. Which one to subscribe to? 🤲🏻🎊❤️🤍💙 Jummah Mubarak Siblings 🎏✅🌐✨🐛📿💡🕊