The Science of Relationships: This Is Killing Your Relationship

We tend to think that relationships occur naturally - you can't work on them or improve them because love is something outside of our control. But the truth is more scientific than that. It turns out that we can actually have a big impact on how our relationships work, and whether or not they fail. By being more considerate of our partners, and really investing in quality time together, we can build bonds that last a lifetime. In this bonus episode of Deep Dive, Drs John and Julie Gottman, world renowned relationship experts, talk you through some of the things you can do to make your relationship truly happy and fulfilling, and the red flags to look out for which could indicate future trouble. All of their advice is super actionable and I've found it very useful in my own relationship - so enjoy!
📚Check out my New York Times Bestselling book Feel-Good Productivity!
Amazon: geni.us/JFhDr5?...
Website: www.feelgoodproductivity.com/...
BONUS EPISODE
0:00 Intro
01:25 Common relationship mistakes
08:30 Why relationships fail
15:39 How to cool down from conflict
20:30 Tips for strengthening your relationship
🔗 CONNECT WITH GUEST
📕 The Seven Day Love Prescription - geni.us/2p6rV0C
📱 The Gottman Card Decks App - www.gottman.com/couples/apps/
💻 Website - www.gottman.com/
🐦 Twitter - / gottmaninst
📸 Instagram - / gottmaninstitute
🎥 KZbin Channel - / @thegottmaninstitute
🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI
📲 Join My Telegram Community - t.me/+bH5gLHty5kBiOGZk
🎥 KZbin Channel - / aliabdaal
🐦 Twitter - / aliabdaal
📸 Instagram - / aliabdaal
💻 Website - aliabdaal.com
👥 Linkedin - / ali-abdaal
📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED
The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman - • The Science Behind Why...
How To Not Die Alone by Dr Logan Ury - geni.us/gp7YA
8 Dates by Drs John and Julie Gottman - geni.us/p1EUk
The Seven-Day Love Prescription by Drs John and Julie Gottman - geni.us/Pooi
📄SHOW NOTES & TRANSCRIPT
Visit the website for the transcript and highlights from the conversation - aliabdaal.com/podcast/
🎙 ABOUT THE PODCAST
Deep Dive is the podcast that delves into the minds of entrepreneurs, creators and other inspiring people to uncover the philosophies, strategies and tools that help us live happier, healthier and more productive lives.
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[@loe7068]

This is why I love this quote "Focus on who you are meant to be, not who you are meant to be with."

[@straykidslover495]

Nice quote 🤌

[@otuawan8341]

I like this

[@justintemp]

Said the person who is rich in monetary value but poor in interpersonal deep relationship value

[@ElimEx1]

Does it matter if the person is happy? Interpersonal relationships are way overrated... @@justintemp

[@justintemp]

@@ElimEx1 are they really? Would you rather grow old rich and alone or poor but with a Life partner who you can share memories with? Be honest.

[@arghandewal]

So insightful. The part about women feeling unsafe in the world because of historic abuse was dead on.

[@user-tc6cw5io5l]

I've heard you mention a few times that you've been wanting to make content on relationships and it's inspiring to watch someone follow through on a passion! Thanks for the great video and for adding some HP flair for the fantasy nerds

[@ulyanamomotova04]

i'm sooo exited to watch this video!Thank you, Ali and Drs John and Julie Gottman

[@rongitmukherjee]

Absolutely loved this. Looking forward to more podcasts surrounding strengthening our relationships.

[@olive4naito]

I agree that relationships take conscious effort to make it work. What I don't agree with is that men are always one way and women are another way. Everyone is different in their own way and some men are emotionally evolved and some women aren't at all. Both men and women can be critical about their relationships but they likely differ on what they're criticizing. Being critical for the sake of being critical (being right) is unhelpful but having the desire for change and finding ways to make it happen is probably what we ahould be focused on.

[@its_past_here]

I'm the one who suggested this video , I need this badly ❤❤❤ Ali you changed me in 2021 and now i hope this one will help too ❤❤❤

[@preethi101]

Omggg i loveee john and julie gottman and all their work. So excited to see them here and check out this vid!

[@Ladeliciadelinda]

This is so interesting because I’m usually the one who communicates by giving advice, but my boyfriend usually wants me to empathize. Not the other way around. I’m not very good at appealing to emotions. My way of talking and listening is giving actionable advice which now I’m learning is not always warranted when a partner vents. I do this unconsciously in my friendships too and I’ve been told that they aren’t looking for advice, just emotional support.

[@ConceptHut]

Empathize first, problem solve second.

[@Ladeliciadelinda]

@@ConceptHut wise words! 🙏

[@GetNotableDotAI]

❤ It's an amazing video with useful insights and actionable advice. 00:00 The strength and quality of our relationships greatly impact our happiness and well-being. 01:25 Common relationship mistakes include misunderstandings between men and women. 08:30 Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the four horsemen of relationship failure. 15:39 To cool down from conflict, take a break and engage in self-soothing activities. 16:16 Processing regrettable incidents can help repair relationship damage. 16:48 Apologize and process regrettable incidents in your relationship. 20:34 Create rituals of connection to strengthen your relationship. 22:55 Conduct relationship reviews to improve communication and understanding. 26:30 Follow the formula for a good relationship: be nice and turn toward each other. 31:13 Consistency is key to improving relationships.

[@preethi101]

Thank you!

[@glanzastarletman]

🐐

[@geniuspeng]

This was such great advice!! Thank you for this video. Now time to find someone to implement with 😄

[@aoc349]

I'm sick of people, unfortunately sometimes women, pedalling the idea that women are literally different people depending on the day of our menstrual cycle. She just said to keep in mind that what a woman says a few days before her period may not reflect how she really feels. That is extremely dangerous information to be doling out based on the years of women being seen as hysterical or not rational due to our periods. It was an argument used against us for going into politics and even for women being able to box or not. I am fully able to know who I am and what I feel throughout every day of my cycle, if a poor guy who listened to this took her advice, anything that I took umbridge with leading up to my period would probably not be taken seriously because "there's extra inflammation" that day.

[@happywings15]

Okay so glad I wasn’t the only one rolling my eyes and feeling abrehensive towards the other parts . I was just like okay this book is clearly for another culture or something cause every statement until the 10 min mark was slightly wrong in my situation . I guess disclaimers that discuss maybe the cultural backgrounds of the people they study might help as well as the angles and assumptions these researchers had prior to conducting the studies is important for these interviews

[@eonxmusic]

Yea I felt the same lol

[@jessejames6688]

Especially since there is a lot of new research that shows men have hormonal fluctuations that correlate with mood and emotion, too! They are not monthly -- their cycles are more erratic than that. But no one says "MEN ARE SO EMOTIONAL ON SOME DAYS." And the research shows that men and women are more similar than different in re: to mood changes. There is tons of overlap, just the outer ends of the bell curve are not overlapping when we look at women and men.

[@ninakoch1799]

I think it depends on the woman. Personally, I actually behave and feel like a completely different person depending on where I am in my cycle, and it ruined many great things in life for me. When I started tracking my cycle and letting my close friends, family and partner access it, it helped tremendously. It‘s not that my partner doesnt take me seriously when I get mad faster before my period, it‘s more so that him and I „fight“ TOGETHER against the hormones (and immense pain I experience during my period) flooding my body. He might just hug me extra tight and long or ask if I felt this way last week as well, and then usually the days pass and everything is okay again. My mom on the other hand never experienced such mood swings and/or pain due to her cycle, so like I said, I think it really varies from woman to woman.

[@pixelpond378]

Okay but the reality is that many of us do experience this, and telling women that it’s not normal and we *should* be at 100% every day of the month is really invalidating, ignores biology, and puts unrealistic expectations onto us. If we all believed that, many of us would think there’s something wrong with us and there isn’t. One factor here though is also just emotional regulation. Just because you’re feeling more emotions doesn’t mean you’re doomed to lash out or do irrational things. We aren’t slaves to our emotions. And I think men should be understanding and keep this in mind maybe, but in no way should anyone ever be assuming that a woman is being irrational due to their cycle. It makes us our to be children who can’t manage our emotions.

[@kimslife_de]

Best advices I have ever heard of . Makes totally sense

[@tinaperez7393]

👍👋❤️💯 One of the best videos with the Gottmans and covering their content that I've seen.

[@midomarvin8793]

Great work by all. Thank you.

[@chilloften]

Such an admirable couple. Merry Christmas 🎄

[@jenwu636]

I really enjoyed this episode Ali! Thank you! Yes, relationship is definitely something that worth tackling more!

[@j9A2N0k]

Loved this episode!

[@nkwenkwezirulumeni4444]

brilliant advice!

[@caelapadilla696]

22:43 I absolutely love this!!!

[@harshvardhanjha4611]

Very basic and very well pointed out points

[@loe7068]

i never preordered a book in my life. ali's book is the first and probably last one i preordered. excited to attend the event in january from switzerland.😊

[@annasantiago1867]

Which event are you talking about? I live in Switzerland too

[@kelliekawahara8149]

A big hello to Ali and the team! A huge thank you for all the work that you've done to produce amazing, entertaining and educational content. I'm a big fan and am grateful for everything that you all do. I sincerely apologize in advance for the novel below. After watching this video, I had a few thoughts/clarifying questions that came up for me that felt important to mention. - I can't find the time stamp, but there was a mention of how gay and lesbian couples can be viewed as having a more difficult relationship because they're in the minority of relationship styles? While John goes on to say that they are "superior" -- I found the language for the comparison odd? Also, I'm curious if there have been studies done with non-cis, non-monogamous couples? And what kind of bias exists if we're using metrics like "superior" in this context? - 2:33 -- Julie Gottman mentions that women have hormonal cycles that make them "more sensitive" and that men should be wary of what a woman says a few days before her period because that might not be how she actually feels. While I am the first to admit that mood swings occur-- not taking your partner's feelings seriously, regardless of the time of the month, feels like some bad advice? Is there some clarifying information around this that helps clear up *how* to create a supportive space where big feelings can be validated and accepted-- not dismissed due to PMS? - 7:00 -- Julie talks about the long history of abuse that women have had to deal with, while also contrasting how men view physical intimacy as a means to emotional connection. I was very confused to hear her conclusion that "men are looking for emotional closeness through sex and [women should] be as giving as they can" without any sort of mention of how to make women feel safer first? Was there other context that I missed in that section? I found that the portions of the chat that were more focused on general "partners" as opposed to gender really interesting. I understand and acknowledge that my experiences color how I viewed this episode, but I was little bummed at the ways the Gottman's talked about how and why relationships work. The concepts, while thoughtful and well-intentioned, feel a little outdated? I'm really curious to see what some of the results are with a more diverse group?

[@klatskyn]

Hello, I'm just another viewer. Just some thoughts. 1. I think they were pointing out that while many people may assume that the way homosexual couples interact is less healthy because they are in the minority, this is in fact wrong. They have noted (through observation) that many homosexual couples deal with conflict in a more healthy way than many heterosexual couples and as such all couples should be able to learn from each other. Please remember these people are from a very different generation and do not watch their precise wording of their thoughts with such intensity as those of us who are in today's youth. That doesn't mean that their sentiments are bad, incorrect or offensive. They are also giving general advice from their experience, which over their lives have mostly been heterosexual couples and more so homosexual couples more recently, but they are not giving any specific advice on all members of the LGBTQIA community or across all gender identities. This is not their focus. 2. Again with the hormonal cycles, I think you're taking what she's saying differently to what she means. She did not say not to take feelings seriously during times of hormonal stress, but to be aware of a woman's physiological changes that may cause her to act in a way that she wouldn't usually. If you don't have bad PMS like this, I'm really truly glad for you, but for some of us, it is literally like we become a different person for a couple of days. She is not saying men should ignore women on their cycle, but rather to be sensitive to how their partner reacts to their hormones, and the fact that this frequently does result in women feeling more sensitive than usual. 3. She did definitely emphasise that women need to feel safe in order to engage with sex, but she didn't give any specific examples of how to do this. I don't think again that this was due to anything other than being concise, possibly time constraints, editing etc I believe this is cut down from a longer podcast episode. 4. As someone who has very successfully tried using their strategies with my partner, which resulted in an incredible improvement in our communication, love and connection, I would hesitate to say this advice is "outdated". Maybe you don't really connect with it, but for me, their advice (which I found on their website after a bad phase of fighting with my boyfriend) helped save our relationship. I am seriously grateful to them. But remember, there are many different perspectives on relationship advice, and therapy is rarely a one size fits all situation. PS I know I disagreed with some of what you said, but I'm not trying to argue or anything. I hoped I could just clarify from my own interpretation of what they said.

[@deborahanyachukwu6555]

I've already read their work but it's so cool hearing them talk about in person🤩

[@user-mn5zo2vz7s]

What a lovely couple❤

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Ali knows looking at the camera with the productive glare works and he’s running with it 😂

[@learnwithmonika4923]

Ahh Ali. You are a BLESSING.

[@Areena999]

I love how Ali is such a potterhead. 😂❤

[@RiriM2001]

Amazing! Well explained but just gotta say John needs bigger glasses 😂

[@hermie6076]

Ali never fails to entertain us with Harry Potter clips…❤❤❤

[@poemdaga7661]

What was the 4th point in how to cook down conflict?

[@antonchigurh2266]

Nice tips to straighten up the relationship with my imaginary partner 😂😂

[@MaxAlternative]

This is powerful! Just curious,who is Ali Abdaal's partner?😀

[@jameswalker366]

Dr Izzy Sealey is the conspiracy :)

[@davidbach3741]

What are some topics that we historically avoid bringing up like sexual intimacy, insecurities, and wants? What’s an appropriate way and how do you calm them assuming they will inevitably react extremely?

[@MarcelineFM]

Oh god, but are you on a long term relationship? So I could get your advices

[@user-qi2md4mr8q]

The Funniest thing i found was man constantly peeping at her ❤

[@NiagaraThistle]

"Too childish to ask for a cuddle..."??? What? Who doesn't love a cuddle?

[@klatskyn]

Hahaha some men have weird perspectives on feeling emasculated over tiny things like asking for a cuddle. I dunno.

[@TchallaUduku]

Women too. You’d be surprised.

[@josevargas1879]

Is this a part of an old video, right?

[@GB-TX]

If only everyone would even give the first 5 minutes of this a listen, it would change the world.

[@mar-cl2gg]

This video is so cute haha

[@mclovin6537]

Wouldn’t it be better to find someone without these um I dunno the word, like aggressive behaviors? Someone with a bunch of triggers is going to be way harder to date than someone without. We need to tip toe around that much to avoid all those triggers? Hmmm wouldn’t it be logical to just find someone else?

[@TchallaUduku]

Everyone has triggers. It’s a matter of if you willingly confront the triggers you each bring individually and together.

[@chrischris9157]

The old guy barely got a chance to talk. Imagine being married to such a talkative lady 😂

[@toomuchinformation]

This must be the only time you've seen them. He's the one who mainly talks mostly.

[@PowerGurhl]

Ok the one point that is weirdly made is that saying same sex relationships fought less. That seemed obvious to me because they are with the same gender they understand that gender because they are it. The women would be more similar to women and men to men … that’s not something to learn from them at all because we can’t. Heterosexual relationships will always have less understanding but the ability to get your partner to understand and actually feel like you are being understood is what makes that relationship stronger.

[@AustinWestbro]

It's nice to hear it confirmed from a professional that women don't want their problems to get solved. They just want to keep the problems to have something to complain about 😂

[@MrJulka11]

5:23 ff

[@Andrea-Rose]

💚💚💚

[@necropolis6052]

If something need exhousting amount of work doesn't that mean that's not working?

[@alex-spidergirl]

Some people train for olympics etc. study to be a doctor. Practice to be a Prima ballerina. Exhausting amount of work can also be the value the item/relationship holds to you. A lot of people love the other person they are in relationship with but don’t have the skills to do the relationship best. These things take effort.

[@necropolis6052]

@@alex-spidergirl Doing hardwork in thoes fields actually have return. What do people gain in that? Health, confidence, career (if succesful), clear mind, healthy pass time, good routine etc. But what do people get in return from Relationship? Stress, trouble, Depression, missunderstanding, trauma, excess amount of complain, exhausting amount of effort that doesn't work properly etc. Both are not same. Being with a friend (best friend) or siblings doesn't need/demand this amount of effort but it does when in relationship I mean the basic is to be with someone, but that doesn't seem to work. If someone needs that much amount of effort to just get along , they are not going to last for long. No effort no staying, That seems transactional to me.

[@TchallaUduku]

If one were to truly care and take the advice here and their partner does the same then there is a return. The problem is western culture lies to us and people go into relationships with TV expectations. Then feel lied too when things don’t turn out like that. Everything worthwhile takes work. NOTHING comes easy. You even have to fight to breathe everyday. You just don’t realize it.

[@larigallas]

​@@necropolis6052I think the effort they talk about is precisely the way to overcome these problems you mentioned. And by that, we can know each other more, help each other and build a really good affective-sexual relationship. I think that's a more intimate connection than the ones we have with friends and family, because of the combo emotional connection + good relationship (although it might take effort) + sex.

[@Because_Reasons]

As a man, I have never once thought "Oh I just want a cuddle"... For me, SEX is how I receive emotional closeness period.

[@dakine4238]

How come Dr. John didn't speak much?

[@ebenezerhormenou9953]

My exact thoughts

[@mcul3474]

That state at 7:32 is blatantly false.

[@jambajoby32]

3:38 this kinda egotistical bs is why I like my peace. This sounds like coddling lol but hey 🤷‍♂️ I think she (& they) should be preaching to women to ask “hey I need to vent, can you listen? This level of communication goes a loooooong way

[@PlOkOoN65]

Is it just me, or does he speed himself up while talking during the video

[@KhalCrochet]

She's kinda of right even though I'm a man I can still feel unsafe walking through a parking garage by myself I mean I carry and take martial art classes but still its not like being man makes you bullet proof, don't forget men also feel threatened by other men.

[@kerryannmyway]

Sorry but what a load of crap. I speak as someone who's been in a relationship since the age of 17 and 45 years later still together. We fight like cats and dogs. Have lots of disagreements. We have spent 95% of our lives working side by side. Staying together is about agreeing to differ, accepting that your significant other may have a different point of view, and getting over your self. Far too many people are precious and don't know how to accept criticism.

[@Ra-fb6gx]

Circumstances are another factor to be consider too , I think they were talking about how to have a healthier relationship.. it’s hard to have a deep conversation if you guys are always busy which I understand ofc

[@olive4naito]

If you're both happy and make it work, that's an amazing thing. But a lot of people are in co-dependent or narcissistic relationships.

[@just_flip_it]

Women didn't let the guy talk at all. So I guess tip is let her keep her narcissistic tendencies and let her be "me, me, me". Let her make her feelings her god and let her not be mindful or invest time in her self to manage her own feelings

[@rachelthedogmum]

2:35 Women ☕️ (jkjk!!!!)

[@iffatjahansadia648]

🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉

[@paulalixlix]

Free Palestine! ❤🇯🇴

[@weird134]

I don't feel comfortable talking about relationship problems. At one time, I wanted to get into a relationship and try my best doing everything the algorithm says and all I get is nothing. I found relationship advice a waste of my time. I don't whether or not I should go to this person because I feel like I am being dominated by her online because all the algorithms that are showing make me feel like I am the bad guy in every of her story because I am a stupid liar as what all the algorithms say. Including my parents call me that . Look I don't understand human interactions or all these social norms make me feel like I am behind in life and people keep saying that I am useless covertly through their nice words. Now I prefer people to yell at me even though I feel uncomfortable at times . Btw how do I know that I am being hacked by her just humiliate me by giving advice to make me look like a fool and I am under her control. That's what I think of smart women like her no freedom for me.And now the algorithm is telling to be silent with my suffering. I don't understand psychology. I'm an engineering student what do I need to care about psychology.

[@rakeshnow]

The husband here who is an expert is not allowed to speak on the topic & she continues….

[@willyouwright]

This is rubbish. There are some good bits .like empathy, but hardly anyone is skilled at identifying triggers. They usually use triggers as a manipulation tool for the other to change. Tgis approach is too transactional. What is needed is to practice difficult issues when your calm.. practice is when it starts and ends. Simple.. people also forget that they are a team and they need to work out what sort of team they are.. lastly couples need to have each other's best interests at heart..

[@user-xe5ux7ye9b]

Sad to see how your content has gone down hill. This is just repurposed from the podcast. Any true fan that follows you would notice this.

[@fatimachowdhry1654]

Dude! There is a genocide going on in Palestine. Please have the decency to speak up against 😢

[@rushialeema8321]

You know once in a video years ago Ali said he wouldn't use this channel for any political/religious opinions or content whatsoever. I guess he decided to stick to that stance even now. It's a shame. But he said his channel had other things he wanted to focus on more ie productivity. It doesn't mean he doesn't still have great content. And may he prosper well. But not every Muslim feels so comfortable sharing personal views on public platforms I guess. But then we never know how much someone is doing for a cause behind the scenes. Let's assume good things :) May Allah make it easier for everyone. Ameen

[@jackdexter3286]

Bad episode. This one's just the yappering.

[@Hanabanacoconut]

who else cracked up at her saying that their ritual of connection was watching rich people getting murdered? 😂 Ali was like 🫣 " i totally don't make TONS of content about telling people they can become wealthy"

[@annafilou]

OMG not the “women are sensitive during their period” myth. 😭 Had to stop watching right there-who knows if the rest is of the what the interviewee says is as baseless. 🥲

[@dakine4238]

As a woman I can say this is true for me. So it is important for my husband to be aware and for me too. I know I feel more intense emotions during pms and am more sensitive to things.

[@dmystfy]

Why is it a myth?

[@TchallaUduku]

I mean she is a doctor with more than 40 yrs of experience in the field and a woman herself. They are both cited and respected by almost all relationship specialists

[@millyc2044]

Any empirical evidence on that this is a myth?

[@thewindowsinger7866]

I don't think she is saying that from the point of the ancient belief that women are hysterical creatures. She is conveying that females are the emotionally wired ones mostly because their hormones keep fluctuating throughout the month. Hormones affect moods, health, and so much more. So, no, not a myth. Letting men know about is like ensuring that they should not take every bad things coming out of a woman personally and look at it from a physiological perspective.