How to Not Die Alone - A Dating Expert's Guide

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Logan Ury is a Behavioural Scientist turned dating coach who recently authored the bestselling book, How to Not Die Alone. Logan’s also the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge where she leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. In our conversation we discuss all things relationships and dating including how to apply behavioural science insights to the world of dating, what makes the perfect date and how to be a better life partner. Enjoy :)
Season 2 Episode 5
00:00 Intro
00:58 Getting into behavioural science
06:20 How does dating coaching work?
16:09 The three dating tendencies
24:05 The problem of focusing on the spark & the secretary problem
29:00 Is having friends enough?
31:18 Date like a scientist + objections to dating apps
38:46 Dating apps and masculinity
41:37 Dating app prompts
47:00 Generalisations about attractiveness
57:02 What makes a good relationships?
01:05:11 Myths about relationships and dating
01:07:17 Prom date vs life partner
01:19:17 The evaluative vs experiential mindset
01:24:10 Is it wrong not to know about what you like about someone?
01:26:10 The first kiss
01:30:01 What makes for a good or a bad date?
01:33:51 What are you top tips for being a better life partner?
01:42:13 Relationships are a life skill
01:45:02 What are your tips on being able to grow in a relationships together over time?
01:55:29 Instagram Q&A
🔗 CONNECT WITH LOGAN
📕 Get 'How Not To Die Alone' for 99p until 28th Feb - geni.us/n8xC90
🐦 Twitter - / loganury
📸 Instagram - / loganury
💻 Website - www.loganury.com/
🎲 Logan's Three Tendencies Quiz - www.loganury.com/quiz
🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI
🎥 KZbin Channel - / aliabdaal
🐦 Twitter - / aliabdaal
📸 Instagram - / aliabdaal
💻 Website - aliabdaal.com
👥 Linkedin - / ali-abdaal
📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED
Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely - geni.us/hqykrb
Algorithms To Live By by Brian Christian and Tom Griffiths - geni.us/5VBbt
Nonviolent Communication: A Language Of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg - geni.us/44nc9qi
She Comes First by Ian Kerner - geni.us/Bn0GaCO
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - geni.us/NHCwMR
Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel - geni.us/NmzoIhT
Dipsea Stories - www.dipseastories.com/
The Psychology Of Your Future Self by Dan Gilbert - bit.ly/3BcLf4d
Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan - geni.us/Fbz1KGz
Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon - geni.us/Lnu2T
E2 How To Build A Multi-Million $ Dating App | Shahzad Younas Founder & CEO of Muzmatch - • How To Build A Multi-M...
📄SHOW NOTES & TRANSCRIPT
Visit the website for the transcript and highlights from the conversation - aliabdaal.com/podcast/
🎙 ABOUT THE PODCAST
Deep Dive is the podcast that delves into the minds of entrepreneurs, creators and other inspiring people to uncover the philosophies, strategies and tools that help us live happier, healthier and more productive lives. In each episode, Ali has conversations with guests from wide-ranging areas around the five pillars of a good life: health, wealth, love, happiness and impact - to empower you to live your best life.
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[@thanh-thomasnguyen7969]

"You're trying to portray who you are and get one person who is interested in you. You are not trying to hack an entire gender and figure out what the most number of people would like; It's how do you get the person who most likes you, to like you." Love that.

[@ryguy8054]

While it makes a lot of sense, it feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack

[@Phoenix1664]

​@@ryguy8054Feels like, because it is

[@RafiBarides]

A two hour interview, she does not stutter once, does not say ummmm or uhhh once, every word is clear, her sentences are concise, perfectly articulate. She spoke on each topic with confidence and with nuance. Very cool episode-- not a boring moment! excited to buy the book.

[@TheWackness64]

Aren't these edited tho

[@davidgavney6711]

She speaks a lot for her career, so she has a well-honed verbal presence. I did find three Umm's: 1:35:09 and 1:35:11 & 1:35:17.

[@brycewilkins9421]

@@davidgavney6711😂😂😂thank you. The internet is truly undefeated.

[@melody_rumbie5]

Logan is truly amazing!!❤❤

[@bojack3827]

Alain de Botten is terrible in this field.

[@Icanmakeit343]

How interesting to have a guest who is intelligent, well-informed, eloquent and uses the science to back what she says. Thank you both.

[@fibbs6533]

Logan's honesty about her husband's cancer and the effect it has had on their relationship was so touching. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable in such a public way.

[@ShortenMonteCristo]

As a single guy I can't express how grateful I am videos like this exist for free. I bought her book because of it and already applied a lot of what she says. Buy the book guys, it touches on everything they say but in more detail. Awesome job hosting this podcast, and 10/10 guest.

[@karynstudiosloane-ceramics436]

Okay I'm finishing this up the next morning and I've got to say this interview is TOO good. I feel criminal not paying for it! This woman knows her stuff and you two together are wonderful chatting about this because of the dynamic of your personalities. I'll be rewatching this because there's no way I absorbed it all.

[@sdoken]

let us know if you rewatched the video and if you still feel that this was helpful and you are making progress in your relationship/love life thanks to the things you learned in this video!

[@karynstudiosloane-ceramics436]

@@sdoken 100% and this is ironic timing because I'm even reading the book at the moment, which is a gem. Got halfway through it in a day because I couldn't put it down. Definitely helping me in more than just my dating relationships, but also friendships as well. Good luck on your journey!

[@thelightinclarity]

​@@sdoken I'll answer this one! I watched this video because I wanted to know more about how to know more about myself and my own life. I have instituted some of the things spoken about due to reading 'eight dates' by John and Julie Gottman in 2018. I have also made a lot of life and personality changes as well during that time. My friendships have changed tremendously to where I adore the people I am with. Dating shifted because I am myself. I am on more dates and I'm not accepting just anyone. I have more fun, but I haven't found anyone who matches just yet, but I am never having the feeling of 'I am gonna be alone forever'. Logan knows her stuff, a lot of what she's saying is true in a lot of ways and can be organic. The advice that's like this allowed me to be my best self and changed my life.

[@colettedickinson2870]

The idea of independence is only relevant for the first part of your lives- your courtship and through your marriage. You will find you both change with time, probably after having children and also as your careers may change, too. You must maintain flexibility to change your expectations but stay committed to each other.

[@jeeteshjatav]

I am 17 year old . This podcast help me to look on relationships at whole new level. Thanks for creating this amazing podcast.

[@DiaboloMootopia]

you're so lucky to have heard this at the age of 17! Use it.

[@TeiteBumm]

i am 27 hahah same here brah

[@hyschara]

Lucky you! I'm 37 years old and I'm feeling exactly like how Ali does 🤣

[@krishpandey9725]

@@DiaboloMootopia is it lucky? I am also 17 but I don't know why I am feeling I will never find a person🥲 imagine losing hope a 17

[@DiaboloMootopia]

@@krishpandey9725 it's a hard time in life. It's probably more common than you think to have this hopeless feeling at that age. It's probably less common than you think to have a girlfriend at that age. I remember lots of guys claimed to at the time, but now I see that it was probably not true - an exaggeration at best. So, don't get too down about it. This too shall pass and better times will come. Above all, don't think that there's something specifically wrong with you. There's not. Your loneliness is normal for your age. You're fine my dude.

[@user-rl1eh8ti6y]

The best bit of advice i ever got was never try to mask who you are or try to be someone else when dating. If you a bit introverted dont try to pretend to be extroverted because you think that will impress someone, if you dont like football dont pretend to like a sports team just because a guy you like likes them, if your a total geek dont play that side down because you think it will put people of, if you swear like a trooper dont try be all sophisticated at your first date. At the end of the day you want to find some who likes you for you, if you put on an act even if they do start to show interest you will be left insecure wondering if they actually like you or not. So her advice to really try and show yourself on these profiles is great, if you love west ham put up a pic of you in a west ham shirt, if you love being being out in the garden show that. It may feel like a bit of a gut punch if someone doesnt really vibe with who you are but this is where self worth comes in, you need to love yourself enough to want to be wìth someone who likes you for you

[@Wiapple128]

Though your last sentences are totally true I don’t think the process that you are referring to is a recipe for success as an approach. Did this work out for you? Are you in a happy long term relationship?

[@ShawwnParrr]

I love how honest and vulnerable he is. It benefits us

[@heygraceshockey]

I think a lot of us who are children of divorce can relate to Logan’s curiosity about dating & relationships & romantic love… “Happily ever after wasn’t something I could take for granted.” 💜💕💜 Thank you Ali and Logan for sharing this valuable information in such a lovely way!

[@dennisitsme]

I love how well read she is and how she can bring up books on the spot with references. She never stumbled onto her words, which tells me that she truly believes in her opinions. She is one of those people I'd listen to again and again and still be blown away by her brilliant mind.

[@maaax573]

Me too! She's so well spoken

[@japonesa5186]

Thank you for being this open and sharing this discussion!

[@proxied8075]

Thanks for this interview-podcast! :) Loved hearing Logan's insights!

[@_lublub]

Though I feel alright to die alone, this is actually giving me a lot of insights and reminded me how important relationships are. Thanks Ali, perfect gift for Valentine's day! And hey, happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!

[@laDulaSh]

This is such a good episode! Enjoyed listening to it so much! Thank you both for sharing your valuable insights and knowledge with us!

[@amycallaghan2726]

An excellent deep dive and perfectly timed for us singleton’s on Valentine’s Day. Disney songs are just so well written. I feel like when I tell people I love Disney they quickly make assumptions about who I am when in fact I also play Magic The Gathering, love cooking for my loved ones and enjoy solitude. We are all very complex beings.

[@mariajosecampos4084]

I could listen to it for hours and hours. Such useful and precious stuff!

[@jaikumarsivalingam]

One of the best podcasts I've listened to in 2023 is this one. Thank you, Logan Ury and Ali Abdal!

[@angada]

Just LOVED this podcast. Made so many notes. Thank you both of you!

[@lastmazegaming]

Love the vulnerability of both of you! Excellent job 🔥💯

[@gesshyy]

This interview was exactly what I needed to hear. From book recommendations to life lessons.Thanks to both of you guys!!

[@samuelvilz]

Once again, an episode of Deep Dive coming to me at the exactly right time. I'll have to seriously ask myself many of the questions you two covered. I'm now definitely motivated to lose my illusions about "the spark" in favor of "the slow burn" 💚💚💚🔥 Thank you, Ali and Logan.

[@seanphillips6622]

Far out, this is incredible. I’ve read the book several times and watched interviews. This is an incredible addition

[@alisiachiara]

Such a brilliant video! It's so fun and interesting to listen to you both talking. Great job!

[@foziamahmoodali6491]

The whole holding the purse thing though - where she's giving her own situation as an example - there's stats out there that wives do stick by the husband in those situations but when the situation is reversed many husbands leave.

[@earthtoanouk]

In cancer diagnosis it’s about 20% of husbands leave their sick wives and 3% of wives leaving their sick husbands

[@Macca3]

Just came out of a two year relationship, felt like a few things applied to us. Very interesting to see!

[@Liz-tu5zq]

Very thoughtful and interesting discussion on relationships. Love 💕 the content. It would be nice if you when editing this prior to divide it into a part one and part two due to the amount of valuable content. I know that I will listen again and share will share with others!

[@niceandkind3385]

this is such a great collaboration. Oh my god, I feel seen, heard and I become much smarter listening to you two. Ali, you ask truly great questions and you both are at the "same level". Thank you two so much. So many helpful and reliable insights from this. Thanks once again.

[@nikitsmuthuuri2358]

This has been an insightful episode. Excellent questions posed by Ali, with great answers from the day's expert - Logan. I'll definitely keep referring to different timestamps on this video

[@Kasiabobasia]

Also Logan, if you happen to see this… thank you! This book was so helpful.

[@FaithTheGreatt]

I LOVE this interview!!

[@SusheeNzeutem]

What a great Podcast! I loved every minute of it. Thank you!

[@DoveDove-hn4by]

Hello __dear how are you doing today... 🌹🌹 How's your day going.. I hope you're having a good day 🏵️🏵️🏵️🌻...?

[@AN4_4]

omg it's her. love love loved the book. so glad you got to speak with her, thank u ali.

[@BlackBat808]

Great episode! Thanks for the great interview

[@xcavation123]

Great episode! Logan is such a great communicator. LOL at Ali throwing his female friends under the bus

[@MomoSimone22]

Logan is amazing! So articulate and this interview was so full of great information! I bought her book within the first 30 minutes of watching this!

[@DrBrunoRecipes]

Brilliant advice and excellent conversation 👌🏻 Greetings from Scotland 😊 Have a wonderful day everyone 🌻 Stay blessed ♥️

[@silfun9176]

Thanks for the list of books and resources, I was having a hard time finding one book that was mentioned at some time in the video.

[@mohammadalhindi7550]

Thank you ali and logan for this great podcast. I’ll really benefit from it since I’ve never been in a relationship yet. I’ve been wondering and really curious ali about the 12 check in questions. Can you provide em for us?

[@stacey546]

This was much needed, thank you.

[@testing1-2three]

Such a great talk. Thank you both for sharing.

[@nihalboukheloua7097]

I hv been waiting for it thank u ❤❤

[@anishaa6216]

Thank you for this brilliant podcast Ali and Logan. I always thought dating and love has to be organic and it’s all luck and kismet, and that terrified me a bit cuz i would think what if it’s not there in my luck and I can’t do anything about it. But now i feel hopeful that i can work towards it and make it happen.

[@ananastea]

just paused it to say that to me it’s just crazy how i have the same thing about “see the light” from tangled! i literally listened to it the other day and thought it’d be goals to sing it as a couple! i read the book following your advice and am enjoying the podcast so far, thank you!!

[@maishazarinanan5028]

Same!

[@razabadass]

Thank you Logan, Ali, Angus, Elizabeth and behind the scenes people in general, Raza :)

[@hillarykaelomolebatsi4783]

This was too beautiful… methods that encourage vulnerability and more humanness … I am taking many of the lessons here and I will most def recommend it

[@anjeeinkheart9102]

This was such a pleasure to listen to and think alongside as I attempt to get back into dating. I'm so glad to now know Logan Ury who's book I will look out for, she communicates so well. Logan seems to share ideas with Lori Gotllieb who's book I'm currently reading called 'Maybe you should talk to someone' I was making connections the entire time. This such a valuable podcast Ali, I will surely follow!

[@idkyouyet1408]

Such an informative podcast between two well spoken and educated personas!

[@aclb2045]

So in love for this conversation! Thank you both! 💜

[@karennakaoka6218]

Amazing interview!!! This video should have way more views

[@cuerpo.cosmos]

Excellent interview! Thanks

[@TangerineHorizons]

Really enjoyed this, thank you

[@ilovearr]

Loved it. Thank you.

[@halimabibi3886]

This was brilliant!

[@karynstudiosloane-ceramics436]

"hedge against future loneliness" is the must ali thing ever said hahahah I LOVE that, also this book seems phenomenal based on this interview and I cannot wait to read it.

[@CjOnTheGo]

been waiting for this ep now a couple of days and i think this is the best way to start my feb 14 so thank you for posting this so early! also wish you the best cuz i love your channel!

[@aliabdaal]

Woo!

[@homepickle]

You're a good teacher, Logan, and have a good speaking style for the topic -- reassuring and enlightening. I appreciate the openness from both of you. Great conversation.

[@monikozz]

love this episode. thank you!

[@maryo6021]

Outstanding content!👏🏾

[@nicholasmuiseYT]

I enjoyed listening to this, and there are great takeaways here. The only part I wish she would have acknowledged more openly was when he brought up the stats regarding the major disadvantage most guys have on dating apps. I get it, she works for Hinge and has a horse in the race there, however it could have been really interesting to hear an insiders take on those stats and not just brush over it.

[@unawalsh5486]

Really insightful thank you both !!

[@xenuone509]

Thank you to Logan and Ali! Especially for your vulnerabilities.

[@orion1two]

Wish I had been studying info on relationships/attraction many years ago. 32 now and single most of my life... Thank You for this.

[@julscw]

Thank you for this. Its amazing.

[@amalmohamednoor7261]

So inspiring. Thanks 😊

[@kokochanneru]

Yeah what about people over 26 who don't have the experience though.. What about the ones that are stuck at finding/creating the experience?

[@DeepDivewithAliAbdaal]

Read the book :) it’s very good for this

[@anhnguyenthingoc9504]

A superb interesting interview. This is my second time listening to it while it is more than 2 hours long. The most funny thing is that I got a lot of recommendations for new books to read, instead of dating advice 😂😂😂

[@grantpenton1850]

After 2 1/2 years as a single guy, I've lowered my expectations to meeting a new woman once a month, which may lead to a date 3 times a year, with maybe 1 kiss per year and a hug once almost every month. I write 20 customized introductions per week, and I respond to every one who writes back. I realize the competition is intense, and since the 80/20 rule applies throughout all age groups and that perhaps a quarter of older women on line are really interested in an intimate relationship I accept all opportunities to meet new women. I do include in my profile comments that I have no parents, no children and no family members who require my attention and that I work flexibly when I want to, so that I do have time for a new relationship- and that being physically active is very important for me. It might take another 5 years, but I'll keep working on it...

[@amospan14]

Thank you Logan and Ali for teaching us how not to die alone. I very much enjoyed this conversation. Cheers! =)

[@TheModernAlchemix]

NVC is a priceless tool that helps compassionately approach conflict

[@SamtenBhutan]

wonderful episode. Lots to learn from this episode and as always the key message is don't back down and keep going as change is inevitable. Thank you

[@IvyPhan]

Every dating adult on this planet should watch this video. Thank you so much it has helped me a lot ❤

[@chrismac_music]

This was so helpful and informative. Really enjoyed it. Thank you!

[@rogerhuggettjr.7675]

The question of should you accept someone just the way they are has two sides. If someone has moral failings or fears that are holding them back from being their best version of themself, should you try and change them: yes. Should you take a look at who they are from a Myers-Briggs level and try and ask them to be something that isn't in their psychological makeup to make them more compatible with what you want: no. It's kind of like raising children. You don't make them what you want but help them develop in a way natural to them. If that isn't good enough, you are with the wrong person or need to grow yourself.

[@bouchrahoumeur6742]

It was a great episode and I enjoyed all of it and it opened my mind That I shouldn't be so picky and have that long list of things that must be or mustn't be, you should just find a good company to share the journey with

[@Rosa-fs2zk]

I loved this podcast! Very interesting!

[@Heartford]

Fantastic podcast, so much useful information based on data and expertise. Thank you both!

[@angierox6964]

Excellent! I love the intelligence, education, information, objectivity, subjectivity and research in addition to life experience, laughter, and personalization of it all. I’ll be buying her book and I subscribed to you today. And in addition, the topic… I feel like I have a bit more confidence and direction in online dating and then hopefully maintaining a long-term relationship. Which I hope will be her next book. Thank you!

[@mishiva]

Thanks this was great 👍

[@eveeboss]

I'm currently on Hinge. This is really insightful!!! Interesting to watch from male POV too. Good stuff!

[@CallsItLikeISeeIt]

How’s that working out for ya (hinge)?

[@seminatarelli434]

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH ❤️

[@melowndes]

For me, definitely a penthouse conversation plus plus. I will listen again. Thank you both so much. 💓 Would love to have Logsn and your best book lists (soulabis).

[@melowndes]

*Logan

[@ennvee1989]

Wow I am so thankful for this interview. I am in my early 30s and have not really dated before.

[@d42]

Don’t get enn vee

[@Grace_Zandile97]

Totally can relate

[@Liankirry]

He has an avoidant side in his attachment style, hence the need for doing so much on his own. Trouble is, that's going to make it really hard to keep a relationship going down the line. A relationship doesn't thrive in counterdependence. It needs interdepence. The dating pool is flooded with people with an avoidant attachment style for this reason.

[@angelahenshall7655]

I was wondering if someone would point that out. It’s tough to raise kids with someone that needs so much time on his own.

[@kimberlynguyen7519]

Very informative Thank you very much

[@DoveDove-hn4by]

Hello __Kimberley... how are you doing today... 🌹🌹 How's your day going.. I hope you're having a good day 🏵️🏵️🏵️🌻...?

[@SierraAspenAutumn]

I needed all this information in my teens and early 20s. 🙇🏽‍♀️

[@saipiisaifxiv8089]

ngl. the moment she asked "are you blushing?" I WAS !

[@lbrigh6]

interviewer made excellent questions. I'm also a nerd, and it's difficult to find or keep interested in someone for more than a minute. Thanks to her interviews I've been watching, I decided to give a chance to a very nerdy, handsome scientist who wanted something serious with me for the past 4 years. interestingly, the things he used to do and get on my nerves are the exact things I love about him. We want to get married in South France. He is French.. I'm Brazilian American. Listening to her in another interview completely opened my eyes to realize I had the one right in front of me for the past 4 years, but my fear of choosing the wrong person and changing my great life for worse was keeping me from seeing him.

[@ritesh918]

Great podcast!

[@roniquebreauxjordan1302]

VERY interesting discussion...I'm seeing the wellness aspect that began when I worked for the Air Force in Family Support come full circle. Emotional Intelligence was "the thing" in the late 90s...human development being the goal..👏🏼👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@celine2131]

A very interesting subject and Logan knows really well about the it. I'm still looking for love at 47, it's never too late with some good mentors like her.

[@aaronmontblanc6704]

She has a very surface level understanding of behavioral science and relationships but that's obvious given her limited academic background.

[@mishguna7]

Thank you so much for this! As someone who doesn’t put myself out there too much, this has been such a great conversation for me to get my butt into gear! You are doing awesome work! Thank you and congratulations on your new relationship! Wishing you both all the best ❤️

[@dragos640]

Ali, you’re great, so honest and authentic 👏🏻 love Disney songs 😆 I totally get it, same problem here, trying to hide it but in the same time I am: my future partner would appreciate my honesty 😌

[@dianagula8101]

She's excellent. Much better content here than I've maybe ever seen.

[@MuzikAficionado]

When we say, "I want to have a car, a house and a life partner to enjoy it with", it is a superficial want that we expect to check off on our list, and start chasing in life. However, when we say, "I hope to be able to build a rewarding personal and professional life by becoming great at my work and relationships, and by becoming a good life partner", we add a value of intentionality to it by being what we majorly seek, and thereby inviting the sought after, instead of chasing or totally giving up on finding those who gel well with us and may be good long term partners, but may not be packaged acc to our expectations. In any case, most of us with high standards, protect ourselves from mistakes by either doubting others or our own feelings towards them, and kill any prospect of having a relationship. I think we need to get out there, have realistic expectations and open mindset, and a chilled behaviour, without "seeking" the one, but rather allow relationships to grow or not organically.

[@user-rl1eh8ti6y]

I am definitely a hesitator. Im not good looking enough, once i loose weight ill put myself out there, once i finish my degree ill put myself out there, once i get settled in my job ill do it, once i get my house... then years fly by and you find yourself perpetually single and not even having dates. Bloody scary but i am putting the effort in this year and following her advice.

[@CallsItLikeISeeIt]

Nope, put yourself out there now 😊

[@tatsianaherka]

just brilliant!

[@clickclackbadabingbadaboom3738]

loved this

[@bojack3827]

This woman is excellent

[@camilleandrews6086]

Great information thank you! Musing to myself how does attachment style impact ?

[@DoveDove-hn4by]

Hello __dear how are you doing today... 🌹🌹 How's your day going.. I hope you're having a good day 🏵️🏵️🏵️🌻...?