Software Indicates Missing Child Likely A Prostitute By Now

Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.
More coverage at: onion.com

[@Juel92]

The actress who plays the mother plays it so perfectly that this sketch almost felt too dark for me.

[@consumy1841]

Actress? Man, I sure do love consuming raw onions!

[@williametherton4096]

Idk where The Onion got its actors, but some of this shit is almost too much. Check out the one where they praise a fat kid for his idea to wear a t-shirt at the pool to stop bullying, or when they teach a gorilla the meaning of death. Lol like wtf, I love this network and I'm sad it's not what it used to be

[@weirdo66636]

@@williametherton4096 what did it used to be? lol

[@aguyfromnz537]

This is real news moron

[@pebbleman721]

@@weirdo66636 You're looking at it. Onion doesn't have much funding now, so gold nuggets like this doesn't occur anymore

[@cyrax1311]

"That's good she's off the drugs!"

[@hunterjohnson7955]

cyrax1311 I fucking love when I read the comments as it say it 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@demetriusmiddleton1246]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@alexlogan202]

@@hunterjohnson7955 does drugs

[@etcetraetcetra3173]

Silver lining

[@lads.7715]

@@etcetraetcetra3173 silver lining... with a dark, purple outline...

[@datamasked623]

"Are those bruises from her pimp, Douglas?" "Yes."

[@captainegg2672]

Ago

[@pungoblin9377]

One step at a time, as they say.

[@kylegunn3420]

To escape her pain she would have taken up crystal meth.

[@dangersnail5839]

@@litty4553 Europeans can be Karen’s too

[@dangersnail5839]

@@litty4553 also, why are they painful to watch?

[@bitterpickles]

The script and editing are what really make this. Every time they update the girl's appearance they cut to the mother and her face is just incredible.

[@nmmxiii9389]

bitterpickles stfu tool

[@qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp]

no u

[@pee-bot]

@@nmmxiii9389 wtf do u mean

[@nmmxiii9389]

Rat King who tf r u

[@pee-bot]

@@nmmxiii9389 ur mom 😎

[@meedily]

I LOVE the insincerity in their voices. It's absolutely accurate with with most newspeople. Love it.

[@84blizzle]

meedily That's what is so genius about this channel, every word is properly placed, down to the reactions and atmosphere, every beat of there comedy is a jab at media coverage. They deserve more recognition imo.

[@medexamtoolsdotcom]

Then you should definitely watch this one kzbin.info/www/bejne/b4aXeZRvfbapg9E

[@FatGuyInSpace]

I'd say it's less insincerity and more like absolute disconnect

[@Redmenace96]

meedily, you hit the comedy nail with your hammer. Half of the humor in this, is the phoniness of the hosts. They couldn't care less about the human tragedy they are reporting. And that is the fact in our real world. You can't listen to those clowns.

[@batchagaloopytv5816]

its absolutely on point

[@Umprella]

Possibly the darkest video the Onion has ever produced, and also one of my favorites.

[@maxwellmaler3015]

ARPANET Troll you really haven't watched all of the onion, have you? Darkest video? Really? 😒

[@elevateordie]

@@maxwellmaler3015 hey Maxwell Maler...reply with a darker one!I think the panda abortion One is pretty good...

[@samsaraslight8377]

@@elevateordie porkin across America, Sex house. There are a hand full of them and they're all have insanely disturbing commentary.

[@ChinBiter47]

The et one is pretty good lmao

[@andrewjoyner4133]

Take a look at the 'missing girl probably raped' video

[@jhillst]

I always shake my head when I see these missing-child posters with age-progressed photos showing the child smiling with a perfect face and hair. Do they honestly think the person will look like that after being homeless or in captivity for over five years?

[@zain6008]

Sometimes the captors actually take decent care of them.

[@RalphRoberts1]

@Zain Al-Shallah This'll sound racist but I'm not at all surprised it's someone with your kind of name that'd make that comment.

[@zain6008]

@@RalphRoberts1 OK thats a fair joke lol( even tho its pretty racist I'm not offended) but I've seen cases in which the children actually don't go on the sides of their biological parents and instead treat their captor like their real parent. There was a pretty famous case recently I'll see if I can find it for you. Its horrible but it happens. I think I found it kzbin.info/www/bejne/mJnbd2ymi9NmpLc this might not be the same video but its the same case I think.

[@RalphRoberts1]

@Zain al-shallah Well that's completely different. As they pointed out in the video that rarely happens. That's a girl who was taken at birth so the kidnapper was the only person she ever knew as a parent. What jhillst was talking about was older abductees that actually have developed features to go by for age enhanced photos. If an individual sides with that kind of abductor they have Stockholm syndrome. Unless they were already in an abusive home and chose to go without force which wouldn't mean they're not still being manipulated and probably seduced.

[@user-pu2xu2iq9o]

Ralph Roberts that’s quite racist

[@wolfie8012]

I'm convinced there's a department at The Onion whose sole purpose is to come up with stuff that go too far lol

[@xX_wiLLiam_Xx]

@@lukusbread7241 no shit

[@danielmcsween884]

Ahahahaha.

[@chromevolt5494]

The sad thing is, we never what happens to those who actually go missing. And them making a satire just says something.

[@SteveJobzz]

They're called writers. Check it out.

[@commenterjosh2428]

I'd like to join that department

[@freetrial9793]

When they age her the attributes change too. "Mouth: used" "eyes: Haunted" 😂

[@warrentang7459]

Fuuuuuck

[@Dandandandandandandandandanda1]

Wow never notice the little details.

[@jenm1]

God that is too real :(

[@alexf9381]

@@jenm1 Yep.

[@snorfietsers4006]

Mouth: hungry

[@lancelefevre351]

Some of these can be a little tough to laugh at but, you've really got to hand it to them, they've got balls doing these kinds of skits. The shit is hilarious.

[@abrarhossain2682]

Why are there no comments?

[@JuanPablo-lt3us]

Abrar Hossain purged

[@-invalid-2882]

This was old before 13 year old girls cancelling on Twitter existed

[@sashatoao8421]

@@-invalid-2882 Ok I was about to get so fucking pissed off at you, but I just realized you're NOT Adolf Hitler. So it's fine.

[@superlolgal555]

I mean they're the people who got front page of the newspaper after 9/11, so they must be doing something right.

[@whitiscool1]

"whatever street gang she may have been running with..."

[@manaulhoque6507]

RIP Michael K Williams

[@abreathingcoffin8089]

The look in the moms eyes actually inspire dread and sadness in me

[@joew8438]

The actress who played the daughter had to first lose 20 pounds to play a meth addict convincing, then gain 30 pounds to play a homeless mother. Such commitment to the role!

[@thevideocommenter3061]

what actress? this is all real. be a little considerate for the pain the family goes through.

[@LmaoMoni]

@@thevideocommenter3061 you’re trolling right?

[@HYPERYoshi5]

@@LmaoMoni no? of course not

[@tombaker8481]

Don't forget all the hundreds of tricks she pulled to get into character!...she worked HARD!

[@ecMathGeek]

@@tombaker8481 There were a lot of hard things she had to work on.

[@Factrillion]

I have watched 6 million Bollywood films, but never saw a mom as convincing as this mom. Terrified me for how real the anguish looks on her face.

[@Celisar1]

With very subtle graduations. She is really doing some fabulous acting here.

[@derekchristenson5711]

I swear, the Onion has hired some of the best unknown actors in the world for these skits. They put some high-paid actors to shame.

[@kaiz1845]

@@derekchristenson5711 Not even "unknown actors" man, The Onion at times legit discover new actors FOR Hollywood. You know the Happy Death Day girl? She debuted here.

[@Resi1ience]

That woman did so well with so little that her acting alone makes this the most upsetting, offensive Onion skit. Because it feels too goddamn real

[@lukemorgan6166]

OK maybe you watched them But six million times? Seems a little much to me

[@SockPuppetSuperstar]

This kind of physical transformation is known as 'The Lohan Effect.'

[@toastyvlogs8431]

Sock Puppet Superstar 10 years ago today

[@aarontheperson6867]

@@toastyvlogs8431 1 year ago you posted a comment

[@toastyvlogs8431]

@@aarontheperson6867 oh wow thx for letting me know.

[@iplaygames8090]

@@toastyvlogs8431 5 months ago you responded to a responce about responding

[@toastyvlogs8431]

I Play Games 15 hours ago you responded to a response about thanking for responding to a response about responding

[@PotawatomiThunderNew]

Mom: Maybe she would have gone up to someone and asked for help and maybe they would have helped her Reporter: Well that’s an intriguing possibility- Forensics expert (cuts him off): I’m afraid it’s not likely whatsoever

[@warpromo6636]

wow! you said LITERALLY EXACTLY WHAT THE VIDEO SAID

[@PotawatomiThunderNew]

ᴡᴀʀᴘʀᴏᴍᴏ / E D I T S yeah, that’s the point. Because it’s funny. People quote lines from videos when they think it’s funny. Don’t act like you don’t understand the purpose of doing it.

[@warpromo6636]

@@PotawatomiThunderNew yea but its not a creative joke at all, you're just saying "who else found this funny?". you're basically the person who said a joke louder and got more attention

[@PotawatomiThunderNew]

ᴡᴀʀᴘʀᴏᴍᴏ / E D I T S “it’s not a creative joke at all” - yeah because it’s not making a joke period. It’s not meant to be creative, it’s not meant to be original, it’s not meant to make the person making the comment look like they are being funny themselves. It’s to do exactly what you just said; to say “who else found this funny?”. You recite your favorite joke and it becomes a spot for everyone else who’s favorite joke it was to stop and have a group laugh. It’s acknowledging your favorite part of it. You seem snobby as hell, get off your high horse.

[@warpromo6636]

@@PotawatomiThunderNew the only reason you have likes is because all the 3 year olds liked your comments, and dislikes dont make a difference

[@FuzedBox]

"It's good she's off the drugs!" Bwahahahahaha!

[@jerielfrancis3684]

😂

[@84blizzle]

The mother's face through out this 😂😂😂 lol this is so horrible

[@Rombbb]

2:43 the hostess' self-indulgence here is so hilarious, smug "look at us helping people" face 😂🤣😂🤣

[@brooksmc]

that's good she's off the drugs

[@tiotito31]

"Just trying to help bring a mother and daughter back together." LOL

[@L4MD4]

"The deep sadness in Tanya's eyes." Priceless, heh.

[@jerielfrancis3684]

😂

[@justrandomthings319]

The way they say it in such a matter of fact voice kills me. I don't know how they don't just burst out laughing.

[@sanna9062]

Acting. It's called acting.

[@DarrynJones]

File is corrupted here too. I contacted KZbin support, it was corrupted on their computer as well - they told me the only way it can be reported is by leaving a comment here and hoping the uploader sees it!

[@rkoislife1738]

its been 11 fucking years..... i dont think theres hope

[@mrmarcuskimful]

Yuor'e corupted

[@rkoislife1738]

@@mrmarcuskimful so is your spelling *hits a nae nae so fat that it creates a second, third, and ninth big bang*

[@rkoislife1738]

lmao nevermind i guess it looks like it took 11 years to fix this XD

[@mrmarcuskimful]

@@rkoislife1738 Fuk eye, just got REK'T

[@hya2in8]

does anyone else think the forensics expert was the pimp all along

[@PradhumnShandilya]

Underrated comment😂

[@xoxdid]

Yes. He knows too much

[@jimmyneutron6766]

Explains how he knows so much

[@Chchommi]

Douglas knows a bit too much, it makes you think...

[@bossle6834]

"But at least she's off drugs now" I died at that part

[@moistnugget4147]

Note the deep sadness in her eyes. 😂

[@lukelyon1781]

This just made me sad because it's so true. I used to be homeless and there were a lot of women and children like this😔😔😔

[@ignis_gehennalis_ov_God]

Hooooootttttt

[@monsesh1316]

Damn. I hope youre doing well now.

[@HaxxorElite]

​@@ignis_gehennalis_ov_Godwtf?

[@matth227]

@@HaxxorElitelook at his username. This person needs serious help

[@catsaresocute650]

That's something else about homelessness. I don't think people deserve to be homeless- I think probably all people would want a [decent] job and otherwise if they don't want to they probably can't - the reasons are probably menatl health or disbality issues that you should adress as medical issues. The problems are decent jobs, health

[@JerkDouglas]

Whoa, had to stifle a little tear coming out because of the mother's reaction shots. Absolutely brilliant.

[@quinnlevy8996]

Is the video corrupted for literally anyone else

[@mittenstherealest]

It definitely is for me! :(

[@MarkSir]

backup here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n6DJn2NsYs-AopY

[@goldchocobo5372]

Nope just u

[@shenahpark1011]

Same

[@sonemesis7083]

@@MarkSir ty good sir!

[@bengranville6604]

I FOUND HER! I opened up my bathroom door and there she was, right on the mirror

[@cooltoast9056]

r/cursedcomments moment

[@freneticgamer4174]

Thank you so much for that. I needed that hard of a laugh.

[@bengranville6604]

@@freneticgamer4174 cool beans

[@theon2769]

cool beans

[@duovigintillongaming3779]

​@@cooltoast9056I think the context from any point in the video or the title or the thumbnail is too low for this to make sense in r/cursedcomments

[@yatzibe]

1:32 *Attributes:* Hair, bleached Eyes, haunted Mouth, used Teeth, yellowed Skin, bruised Weight, 90 Height, 6'11"

[@Sundaeys]

It actually says 4'11"

[@yatzibe]

@@Sundaeys lmaoo i realised that right after commenting, but i decided id keep it since it sounds funny. thanks for pointing that out, though.

[@lperez4438]

Lol didn’t even notice that

[@classicpinball9873]

Yup she shrunk to 4’9 after the meth

[@belalabusultan5911]

I am glad there are helpful people like Douglas out there, sharing the truth with parents and lifting their spirit.

[@fireboltaz]

I wish the Onion still had the funds to produce these quality news reports

[@CoolPandaTheMovieNerd]

I mean that's usually how trafficking goes. They're let go after being forced drugs so they are either incoherent or afraid to say anything.

[@raspberrysoda2277]

Whenever I’m having a particularly shitty day I just watch this. It never gets old

[@damdaniel5106]

The actress who played the mother is so perfect. I felt so bad.

[@2000Betelgeuse]

1:15 The mother was beginning to have some hope and the detective totally blew her off.....lol

[@baonkang5990]

Why is no one talking about the glitchy video. Is it just me?

[@godhateseveryonewhodoesntr5977]

I think it has only recently become this glitchy because old comments don't talk about it. They even describe the people shown in the video while I can barely see those 2 eyes.

[@MarkSir]

backup here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n6DJn2NsYs-AopY

[@joeyexos6567]

Mines fine

[@blackqweenmars]

Respect for all the onion actors that can say all this weird stuff without laughing😭💀

[@alexandersheridan2179]

This might be "the" darkest Onion report, it get's me every time.💀

[@ryanstockdale3413]

“Dressed in a tattered Cleveland browns jersey” 😂😂😂

[@felicity4711]

Our own forensics expert, Frank “The Punisher” Castle.

[@hippiehillape]

Mom played it straight and nailed it

[@Wanttofanta]

I think this is the first Onion title that actually made me go "Holy shit...that's dark..." fkin hell lol

[@senatorpoopypants7182]

I totally thought by the end it would be a picture of a coffin behind a dumpster.

[@theloniouszappa]

These writers are going to hell 😂😂😂

[@manfromnantucket9544]

I like how her height keeps drastically changing

[@MichaelRosenblum_Emp500]

I love how at the end the mom looks like she doesn’t want the daughter to be found 😂

[@dogeraid5937]

Legally *ITS QUESTIONABLE* Morally *ITS DISGUSTING* Personally *I LIKE IT*

[@rodrigombl452]

That shit dont make sense

[@superdestrier9160]

of course you like it, DIO!!!!!!!!

[@Celisar1]

That raises a lot of questions.

[@Moustachebier]

“Dressed in a tattered Cleveland Browns jersey” lost it

[@ashlynarmstrong5483]

Wonder if anyone found Tanya yet. She's been missing for 17 years now. Hopes and prayers🙏

[@parth281995]

"That's good, she's off the drugs" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@randomwonders6320]

Each time they update the child’s photo the mom is devastated

[@djpage7]

"But she's off the drugs!" Kills me every time

[@Jenneil08]

God I love the mourning mother. Watching her face realistically fall from hopefull to devasted is so good.

[@jerryaubert6201]

Fearless satire. The onion was just across the way from me when I lived in Chicago.

[@UnrealStew]

I've seen this woman at least 30 times at my local Walmart.

[@KingfisherLtd]

"that's good she's off the drugs" and her face expression😂

[@user-wd8wx5md5z]

I had no idea american humor could be so dark and so realistic.

[@TheGEOPOLITICAN]

well you have missed out then

[@revwillyg6450]

We're a f*cked up bunch!😂

[@yvick7770]

Honestly any form of humor that is worth it’s oxygen is dark not just American humor.

[@mrbyamile6973]

At 2:25 "notice the deep sadness in Tanya's eyes" and they show the mother with the same exact look on her face as the "artist rendering" of her daughter.

[@AleQuag]

The little box with the mother face I just can't lmao

[@leminjapan]

I've somehow missed this one over the years and almost couldn't bring myself to watch it. This is bold, even for the Onion. They truly are the best at finding humour even in the most twisted places.

[@sameerhossain4448]

No one should have to suffer the pain of wearing a cleavland browns jersey

[@jenniferharrison1010]

You guys are fantastic THANKYOU XX

[@windozxpert]

After all these years, this story still brings a tear to my eye.

[@petitio_principii]

Should only have followed with, "even though we got to be realistic, the odds that she dumped the baby in the sewers and killed herself is highly likely, and increases by the minute." Only the Onion can make me laugh at such things.

[@thekiller7994]

Also, they should of mentioned the chances of Tanya probably getting murdered

[@mandarin4679]

I can’t imagine the desperation that might drive a sad, lost little girl to wear Cleveland Browns merch.

[@breebw]

1:56 "She would have become pregnant at the age of 13 at which time the pimp would have cut off her drug supply." Inaccurate. Pregnant teens are sought after on the streets. Her income potential would have climbed and peaked at the 8-9 months stage. Once she had the baby, that's when her income would have plummeted, at that point risking her drug supply. The child would be born badly malformed from the drug use, but thats of no concern to the pimp or the girl. Thats the reality.

[@minakoadachi4493]

Speaking from experience? Truly a tragedy.

[@justinw4514]

you might think that the pain and misery apparent in the expression of the final render is a result of the all the hardship the poor girl has suffered in her life, but actually that's just par for the course for the average Browns fan.

[@muggedinmadrid]

i love onion news. i think it's ingenious satire. but this one was uncomfortable viewing, knowing that this actually happens just made it too sad and shocking for me to laugh like i normally do.....

[@sethsassy]

I thought I was the only one. There isn't any real jokes here just a list of horrible things that happen to women.

[@taowroland8697]

@@sethsassy I mean, to be fair, way more men are homeless and having something to trade for resources makes survival easier for women.

[@everyone4352]

@@taowroland8697 That is actually kind of fair but it's still horrible

[@blondie9422]

Yeah this made me feel like I had a hollow pit of sadness inside me

[@OliverOttoman]

@@sethsassy the joke isn't that this happens to women, it's that the news covers stuff like that in these exploitative, pointlessly speculative, and sensationalized ways that often disregards feelings of a victim's family or loved ones or anyone who may have gone through something similar. It is uncomfortable obviously but it's hard to say it is actually cruel in its intent at all.

[@keeganclick1346]

He knows a bit too much.

[@jurgenpolednick6384]

Do you realy thing that someone selling the child wouldn't care about how she looks? The first rule is never beat them in the face!

[@porshprix4286]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@Sawlger]

With every picture and storyline unfolding, the more the girl looks like her mother... Which is another dark aspect in and of itself, was that what initially happened to the mom?! Damn ONN

[@donnyohakam]

"I just want her to come home" LMAOO

[@Ryvucz]

I really want to see bloopers from all of these skits.

[@CanImperator]

I'm having this moment where my KZbin suggestions are a mix of Onion videos and andtual news stories and it's pretty hard to tell which ones are real from the titles.

[@Benitojacova]

I'm the one who found and helped her actually... and by that I mean I'm the one who got her pregnant at 13 so that she could stop using the drugs. Although I haven't seen her since I do hope she's doing alright that kid must be a pain in the ass

[@mlgtroller6383]

I think I saw her robbing a bakery in downtown Boston you should go look for your "wife"

[@rico_1617]

Such generosity

[@asraiSOA]

"That's good she's off the drugs." -- LMFAO!!!

[@Chrisholmes1976]

I'm more wondering about Jim being missing. He went on the show porkin across America and then he just disappeared I'm really worried about Jim!! ;)

[@PSILOCYBINISTHEWAY]

This is actually such a heart breaking story

[@cquilty1]

@kevin-gd4xg No it's not - it's comedy/satire.

[@dancalvano8702]

@@cquilty1based on reality

[@cquilty1]

@@dancalvano8702 But *still* comedy/satire. Lighten up and take the stick out of your plump rear end.

[@ovalbeach]

"That's good she's off the drugs". Lol

[@Slemon426]

the mother's face throughout all of this is priceless

[@PencilBoxProjects]

The Mom is a good actress. She played the sad mother role very well.

[@billbob4243]

That is soo messed up Onion. And the most disturbing part is that her biological father is her most frequent John. Onion, you sick!

[@elizabethgillen3660]

It's gone all glitchy for me

[@jahmircoleman6728]

lizzybee 3.14 sammmmmee

[@elizabethgillen3660]

@@jahmircoleman6728 yeah it's really annoying

[@MarkSir]

backup here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n6DJn2NsYs-AopY

[@danielninio8407]

Mark Sir 教室 life saver

[@missiontobeaman3111]

Is that the joke?

[@mgstress]

Man, the onion got dark.

[@jerielfrancis3684]

Yeah

[@KhoPhi]

I'm seriously curious what happened within 2004 and 2006, because that's transition went downhill fast!

[@luufia]

she really inherited the saddness from her mother , they could be twins!

[@southy354]

The Onion does a great job in showing the news industry for what it is.

[@maha77]

I know Tanya, she works as a cashier in the Kwik-E-Mart, and good news for the mother, she completely turned her life around, but the bad news is she was chopped up into little bits by an Axe Murderer, but the good news is Tanya had a child so this mother is now a grandmother, but the bad news is that child is now a crack addict

[@---ec3jl]

How do you know her? It’s a fake news site. The Onion, do you know the actress? Or are you lying on the internet

[@arienkhan7070]

@@---ec3jl This is clearly a joke

[@WeirdA.I.-nw2mw]

As a parent whose daughter is missing, this clip is excellent!

[@depressedglub32]

“After her pregnancy died of chicken wings pulled from trash cans shes probably about 30 pounds overweight dressed in a tattered Cleveland Browns jersey, carrying a jaundice baby swaddled in a garbage bag” 💀💀💀

[@cb9600]

Pregnancy diet☺

[@renlentlesstourist7574]

i've been sleeping on the street for a year... and i even i found that 1 year age progression photo funny as fuck!

[@casual_villain]

Well at least she’s of the drugs

[@neverjethot]

It's 2017, she works at the DMV

[@nikoladoctorov553]

I feel like Tanya after her childbirth without even being a girl...

[@edmondsjc]

I need to hear more about that tool shed. My delightful mother-in-law drives me insane, and I want her out of my house.

[@briant7265]

The way the last shot looks just like the mother...! Nice touch!

[@clebo99]

This is close to 15 years old. Wow.