Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man

Start your day with our morning show, Today Now! Join hosts Jim and Tracy as they welcome Dave Portman, a real-life Frankenstein's monster.
More coverage at: onion.com

[@Adam-de8jm]

“Heart was well loved before being taken by Dave.”

[@user-rp5mv1zx2g]

"Real-Life Frankenstein's Monster "Grateful""

[@5.426q]

@@user-rp5mv1zx2g ok

[@weplayatnight3913]

What in the fuck??

[@scottdoesntmatter4409]

This is not actually a stretch. In China, there is no waiting list for organs, because China executes political dissidents like Uighurs for their organs. Thus, there's a lot of Westerners paying China for their organs.

[@Dusty-y6b]

😂😂😂😂

[@Thrifty032781]

Jim and Tracy's passive aggressive guilt trip is too much. I died laughing. Then donated my heart to Dave Portman so that he could have a second heart.

[@WhatPlantsCrave-ur1ht]

R.I.P. Thrifty. You gave your life so Dave can live with guilt for twice as long.

[@drcgaming4195]

its soo good lmao

[@alifelessrock48]

I'm going to donate my imaginary heart to you for being such a wonderful, and generous human being. I'm sorry I can't donate a real heart, because I am told I am supposedly heartless.

[@yamnayaseed356]

How they’re able to record it without laughing their pants off makes me jealous

[@iamdumbsometimes483]

@@WhatPlantsCrave-ur1ht CAN I GET A GREGMALESAVED100OFKIDSFROMSTRAVATIONRAISEDAFAMILYOF20ANDHADHISHEARTSTOLENALLSOTHISHEARTLESSBASTARDCANLIVE

[@borssamer9210]

he probably caught his disease from studying anteaters in Argentina for 15 years

[@oddball_oddity]

lol was that still him? He looks healthier and younger with his new heart 😂

[@briandiehl9257]

@@oddball_oddity I dont think it is

[@Brett733]

It's definitely not the same guy

[@IForgotMyUsername5000]

The onion expanded universe

[@seemak8144]

😁😁

[@bitterpickles]

Ohmigod, that actor's expressions were absolutely perfect.

[@collinhennessy1521]

What actor? This was an interview with a heart transplant recipient, it didn't say anything about him being an actor.

[@wasniekzillered9030]

geo58impala you didn’t realize the first reply was a joke?

[@geo58impala]

I have autism, I can take things literally by mistake. Sorry.

[@milascave2]

geo: It's OK. I did it the first time I saw an onion video, too.

[@amedicabg]

It's so layered, it's almost like an onion

[@birdcult]

"Real-Life Frankenstein's Monster 'Grateful'" The guilt tripping is real 😂

[@darthmortus5702]

This is why these things are generally anonymous :P

[@milascave2]

Darth: I had a liver transplant. There is a way you can contact the family of the doner through a third party, and they can respond if they wish to. I waited until I was well enough to feel grateful. Then I sent the email. No response. So I know nothing about the person who gave me the liver. The only way I can pay back is to pay forward. I've made it clear to people I know that I want any part of me to go to anybody it might help, after I pass, and I carry an organ donor card. So far as I am concerned, once my brain switches off, my body is just a piece of rotting meat, unless any part of it can be used by somebody else. As for the rest of it, I could care less, really, what happens to it. It's of no more importance than my discarded hair after a haircut.

[@MaestroAlvis]

@@milascave2 The family had to consent to their information being given away, right?

[@milascave2]

@@MaestroAlvis Their information was not given away, the email was sent through a hospital intermediary. I never knew their email.

[@MaestroAlvis]

@@milascave2 Ok. Would the family have had to tell the hospital that they'd be willing to receive your communication? My point is, can't a family just say "glad we could help, we want nothing to do with the guy who gets the organs"

[@milascave2]

@@MaestroAlvis Probably. I don't know for sure, because I was never on the other side of it.

[@HWCars]

"Those are they eyes of the woman who loved the heart that beats in your chest right now."

[@Dusty-y6b]

😂😂😂😂

[@diodebridge]

The way he looks down and avoids eye contact is the funniest goddamn thing

[@GarthMurray1]

Like Dave, I also need a new heart. I have been driving around searching for a donor for months. Well, last week I got lucky when a drunk driver I was following hit a young boy riding his bicycle home from school. Excited, I followed the ambulance to the hospital. In the ER, as the boy's family prayed, I also prayed. I prayed as hard as I could that I would get that boy's young, healthy, heart! Sadly, though, it seems everyone else there was praying for the boy and he survived. I did, however, learn a valuable lesson that day: rather than driving around aimlessly all day feeling sorry for myself, I now wait for my new heart right outside the hospital's emergency entrance!

[@dan339dan]

Opportunities don't come to you. You have to make them for yourself!

[@blackfalkon4189]

@@dan339dan how heartless of you :|

[@aw3someisme469]

@@blackfalkon4189 i see what you did there

[@jimeagle3213]

Its surprisingly easy to find dead ppl when you are driving if you are more proactive about it

[@crispypodcast2843]

Never let them tell you that you can’t take somebody’s heart. Keep the faith brother💪🏻

[@justrandomthings319]

"We're gonna be throwing knives at a child magician." Lmfao.

[@pamelamassie1199]

@mrhappy532 yea me neither stay tuned

[@philos9295]

I cant wait for that!

[@Aberrantly]

Plural, not singular. Magician(S). I know that I'm a dick, and I'm okay with that. I was once being told to embrace myself for who I am, so I did. Heck, I still do. Do you hear me world? I am a DICK, and I am hella proud of it! (Please don't hit me, I easily bruise!)

[@mirlov]

@@Aberrantly No one gives a fuck

[@michaeljedd9359]

@@Aberrantly Why are you apologizing for being right??? You're not helping anyone by being silent and not pointing out someones mistake, it is constructive criticism.

[@AikiNickAMV2]

1:50 "Real-life Frankenstein's Monster 'Grateful'" :D

[@000Krim]

:)

[@yueshijoorya601]

The quotation marks though...

[@FoxtrotGolfLima]

omg their font was so spot-on that I completely missed this!!

[@thejoeker8439]

His awkward and downright ‘wtf are these questions...’ expressions are fucking spot on. And the disgust on their faces when he mentions giving canned food to the food drive... Oscar worthy performances truly

[@bikercat4138]

I think he had a change of heart after this interview

[@JohanKylander]

before it too.

[@FakeTier]

@@JohanKylander probably during it too

[@granty3796]

​@@FakeTier and after his death

[@blackfalkon4189]

thanx for the hearty laugh

[@tristenj1992]

1:11 The awkward silence after he answers this question is my favorite part of this entire skit

[@LiLAlbiHD]

Same lmao “mhm” “………….’

[@capncake8837]

Their expressions, too.

[@-Teague-]

You can see him go through the seven stages of dying inside during that two seconds 😂

[@eusguri2731]

@@-Teague- its just so sad

[@Joetheshow445]

People like Dave who may be after your heart!

[@terrace15]

@@Rahman.Shahadat wtf

[@CourtDreams]

*she looks down at heart*

[@sunkcostfallacy2738]

@@Rahman.Shahadat Bruh, you don't say that to a three year old comment. You say it to like, a 9, 10, or 13 year old comment. Those are the people more likely to be dead at this point. But a 3 year old comment? Probably not.

[@alexf9381]

@@sunkcostfallacy2738 It's stupid even to say it to a 10 year old comment but significantly more stupid for a 3 year old comment. That person is probably one of those 11 year old kids who feel like 3 years is like a century.

[@lucasemanuelgenova9179]

Did you get a transplant?

[@dvdjkaufmn]

"The most important thing is that you get to wake up every day and just keep moving on with your life." lolololol

[@Icee617]

That part killed me 😂😂😂

[@Intelwinsbigly]

Are you some kind of transformers furry?

[@DJBaBoresds]

hahahaha 2:30 "Thank you..." "You're leaving something out dave" "For the Heart..."

[@LowkeySlimes]

For your DEAD HUSBANDS heart

[@DR_Eggz]

He forgot his line prob lol

[@MrCScottie]

DR. Eggz It’s a skit, if they forget a line then they reshoot. That was just a well written line to make it more awkward and funny

[@elveeen899]

@@LowkeySlimes lol

[@JABS991]

2:02 ... 'Those are the eyes....' Love how they match the eyes so you can see his face. Brilliant editing.

[@iLuvMkLA]

Watch out there are people like david that could be after your heart.lmao

[@No-xw7mo]

Hello, it’s been 9 years since you left this comment and out of all 58 of the likers none of them have responded, so I am the first.

[@codygrace7618]

Metoo

[@_oreo1sgood687]

First comment after 10 years

[@imaremi351]

This comment feels special, purely because of how old it is.

[@jimothybikael]

Coronavirus, baby... Ulluluuuluul!lùu

[@foxgloves321]

"Heart was well-loved before being taken by Dave" holy shit

[@srbrant5391]

I support organ donations. Not because it saves lives, but because feasting on the hearts of lesser mortals grants me the favor of almighty Ug-Qualtoth.

[@robertheimrich8354]

Almighty Lord Ug-Qualtoth is not some pitiful being that needs to wait for an organ to be removed. Almighty Lord will do it himself whenever he feels in the mood, and any true follower would do the same.

[@half.blight]

Blood for the blood god!

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Sounds like that Uhg guy sure loves fisting mortals..

[@thatgoodpain]

All hail Ug-Qualoth

[@subscriberswithnovideos-xw9xc]

@@robertheimrich8354 Ug-Qualtoth Seningrah! (Hail the Lord Ug-Qualtoth), The Lord of Pimp slaps!

[@micahy.6190]

I love how they make sure to frame his gut in every shot.

[@Shiestey]

The way he points at the camera when he says “who may be after your heart” followed by Dave’s “wtf dude” look has me in tears. Idc how many times I’ve seen this video that line delivery is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen

[@7Kingsmen]

YOOOOOOO! Straight front stabbing that man on live TV! 😆🤣😂

[@andreachrist9877]

"Watch out, Megan." 💀💀💀

[@jotcw81]

"...and had it installed in your own chest"...OMG these were so so good!

[@RANDOM27ify]

Dave Portman, balding, heavy-set, mid-thirties. Has just survived a dangerous disease known as cardiomyopathy. Thanks to a heart transplant. Due to this, a news station has invited him on for an interview to hear his story. Little does Dave know that in accepting this invitation he will be stepping into another dimension. The Onion Zone.

[@GenevieveThornton]

Rod Serling would be proud 👏

[@-Teague-]

I KNEW WHERE THIS WAS GOING WHEN I READ THE FIRST LINE I CAN'T--

[@terracar2003]

I can hear the music now

[@colinzink6487]

@@terracar2003 and the voice

[@danitho]

Hahaha I love this!! I had to reread this in Rod Sterlings voice.

[@Sarevok12778]

That was possibly the most awkward thing I could imagine happening to someone in that situation. Props Onion.

[@constantinosschinas4503]

ok. hollywood's best writers, directors and actors are behind this. who the hell writes this stuff. i am not even googling it.

[@kumarlosthistouch]

Dog

[@creamley1851]

Dog

[@CRONA19]

Dog

[@AngelicBreath1111]

Dog

[@greenthunder1944]

Dog

[@asmita2318]

2:49 "watch out Megan. There are people like Dave who are after your heart."

[@codzilla02]

been 10 years and its still comedy gold

[@managersamuel]

Now 15 years

[@slapshot0074]

I really wish the onion existed in this format still. Loved it

[@TheConorsmithusa]

I miss it to

[@jessekigona2022]

"By all accounts he was one of the most remarkable human beings that ever lived" Greeeeg🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@alexanderpataki5567]

Wow, I appreciate the humor, but this is kind of hard to watch!

[@Sean-oh3ph]

heart to watch

[@Unworshipediety]

@@Sean-oh3ph lol

[@BDCKavalaGroup]

@@Sean-oh3ph haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaahahaahaahah dude wtf ahhahhaahah

[@jaredletobestjoker]

I mean, its meant to be awkward

[@Steamlazer]

What humour?

[@humantacos9800]

This is a morning show I’d actually watch

[@baxzyc]

"... he hung on to that slender reed of life long enough that he could make it to the hospital and they could cut that heart out of his chest and you could have it." Silencing. "Did you know Greg by the way? In life?" They're just out to make him feel SOOOO bad.

[@randomguy2048]

**fifteen years later**

[@tharwab]

“Real Life Frankenstein’s Monster ‘Grateful’ “ always gets me

[@A_Random_Rat]

Hey look, it's the guy who wasted 15 years researching anteaters!

[@ObscuredByTime]

It is, isn't it. That's also a really good one.

[@dielah12]

Funny, this is the 2nd video I've watched and the 1st was the anteater guy lol

[@ilyasmusa4196]

They look alike, but its not the same person..

[@donaldhamilton5345]

And the bastard's don't even eat ants !

[@heirofthenazareen3812]

You gotta do more with that generous man's heart than just send a can of beans to your daughter's school once a year, Dave. Go volunteer to help MS victims like he was doing! Take bags of groceries to the needy! Because, well.... we can always take that heart and give it to someone else.

[@spliter88]

it made me cry! It's such a beautifull story! ah... it's a wonderful world we live in when a great man can be sacrificed for any of us. thank you onion, you brought me another reason to live!.

[@skorpion1117]

2:53 the look on his face is just priceless

[@ahillmann]

I was really hoping for them to do a 10-minute awkward silence at the end of the interview.

[@UnderscoreNorth]

Those words weren't like daggers, they were more like chainsaws.

[@stinger59605]

The language of the doom slayer

[@songbirdsandsandwiches8217]

@@stinger59605 Please be respectful, it's a 7 year old comment, say Doomguy.

[@viirinsoftworks1304]

How else do you extract a heart?

[@adilshekh8879]

@@viirinsoftworks1304 chainsaws

[@thomasd3104]

Like the ones they’ll be throwing at the magicians

[@tfp3163]

Real-Life Frankensteins’s Monster ‘Grateful’ I hope that whoever wrote these captions got a raise.

[@hosseynshanbehzaadeh9342]

An Iranian talk show host actually did this a couple of years ago. They brought the dead boy's mom as a fucking surprise and told her this guy has your son's heart.

[@echad6259]

I'm new to this so for a minute I thought this was real.

[@igor-yp1xv]

Echad it is an awesome sensation isnt? remember those moments

[@nyankers]

@@igor-yp1xv once I was watching onion videos and somehow ended up on a real news story without realizing it it was surreal as fuck

[@wclifton968gameplaystutorials]

don't you ever read the channel name before watching the video?

[@abbiereynolds8016]

@@nyankers That happened to me one time as well. I was totally mind fucked lol😂😂

[@schattentaenzerin]

It's amazing how it started out as if the hosts are just phrasing things poorly and then evolved more and more into how evil they really are. Whoever wrote this is a genius!

[@StreakyBaconMan]

I love the headlines that scroll at the bottom so much. "Real-Life Frakenstein's Monster 'Grateful'"

[@Johnny.H158]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

[@Picnicl]

"I give my daughter canned goods for her school's annual food drive".

[@HonzukiNoGekokujou]

From the title, I completely thought the guy had orchestrated the whole accident, so I was waiting for the reveal that he actually knew the family or something right up until the mention of a child magician.

[@tabber87]

These are so well done with the graphics and acting. If the stories weren't so ridiculous I'd totally believe it.

[@ColsonsComics]

I’m a double liver transplant patient and this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

[@boop9430]

I miss the old onion 😭 these hosts were the best

[@danitho]

0:20 the way she said, "Joined by a man" was passive aggressive before the skit even started!! Fantastic acting!!

[@Juel92]

It's insane how clever these are and that the Onion puts most comedy shows to shame.

[@PremiumFuelOnly]

"Your leaving somthing out, Dave"

[@definitelynotthequestion5359]

Ah, some people out there are after my heart. Makes me feel all warm and tingly.

[@whatidoknow3417]

What I love best is how the man is visibly uncomfortable like the News reporters are the ones off, as if all of them in that studio are not weirdos

[@BennettParsons1]

This is easily one of the funniest comedy bits I have ever seen 😂

[@youtubecensors5419]

While recently renewing my driver's license, I learned to my horror that there are also people out there who are after my eyes!

[@EinFelsbrocken]

THESE 3 MINUTES ARE ABSOLUTELY GRUELING TO SIT THROUGH OH MY GOOOOD!!

[@Sumkrazyguy55]

"Watch out Megan there are people like Dave here who may be after your heart" Lmao!!

[@StevieObieYT]

01:30 Survivor: "Tbh I don't think of it as Greg's heart." Host: "I guess to you it could be any dead guy's heart." 💀

[@cwinowich]

Bro when he says watch out there may be people like dave here after your heart next, i just died thats great

[@PuppyOrion]

The more I watch these the more real they get. Nobody can act that well

[@Boxhemia]

i love how even Jim started losing it when he teased the knife throwing event

[@kostyapolykova9879]

oh man these actually help me when i'm feeling very depressed

[@greggotheeggo]

recently discovered the onion. new humour that’s a breath of fresh air.

[@bongumusamavuso9523]

"You're leaving something out there Dave, yes the heart"😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@SmashLiXs]

this guy in in guilt hell. he feels guilt being alive but killing himself would just add insult to the family he got the heart from

[@KyleKaspszyk]

Man these were absolutely brilliant

[@memyselfi8447]

"Real-life Frankenstein's monster 'grateful'" freaking brutal 🤣🤣🤣

[@itsacorporatething]

I love the look on his face when the interviewer says "there may be guys like dave here who want your heart."

[@HomelessOnline]

That Jim Haggerty is awesome! He is perfect for the job! And the production quality, and intro--these are great videos!

[@heckzotica]

The real heros are those parents giving their kids expired cans of yams, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin filling to take to their school drives. We salute you!

[@Macho_Fantastico]

I knew Greg, he was basically a living angel. Bless him.

[@telauzimar]

two things - "real life Frankenstein' Monster 'Grateful' " and "Heart was well loved before being taken by Dave" Pure greatness xDD

[@lugiamaster55555]

I thought the joke was going to be a murder, this is so much better

[@drcgaming4195]

i love the use of loaded language to make the dude feel so guilty the guy whose heart you own now "achieved so much in life" and "donated to an ms charity". so good

[@BuckBlaziken]

I love how he loses his composure saying he’s about to throw knives at child magicians

[@amirr.a.m.5059]

1:19 "Heart was taken from Loving Father" I'm dead!! 🤣🤣🤣

[@haerverk]

man, how authentic those anchors are :D and the format and all is spot on

[@duncanurquhart5278]

"We're going to be throwing knives at child magicians. You don't wanna miss that!"

[@sandesh9225]

What a positive news to start a day!

[@JCMiniPainting]

I'm still waiting to see this whole 'Throwing Knives at Children Magicians' thing...

[@dmitriyr4095]

I stayed for the segment where they throw knives at child magicians and got extremely disappointed when it didn’t come on.

[@None-Trick_Pony]

I love how when the anchor says the child magician line, he breaks character by laughing.

[@hyena131]

PatOfNoTrades He didn't break character. This is how these clips always go.

[@billygoatguy3960]

It also just makes them look even more nefarious

[@mariuszchile]

Thank you with all MY heart...

[@bruhmoment131]

I need to see the knives being thrown at a child magician, NOW!

[@drzkillz7642]

Wow, the guy they're interviewing seems really good-hearted.

[@CombatArmsGameplay21]

I cannot stop laughing

[@thebigcnel]

These 2 were just so good together.

[@rhythmnblues9195]

The montage of them smiling and laughing at the beginning is already getting me laughing because I know those are the smiles of condescension and ignorance…ah these clips are so good.

[@wiggy5209]

I'm pissed off at the onion news for bringing awareness of that heart gremlin to my phone.

[@supersophisticated9943]

These reporters are really acting on the logic of, “Well, if that dead man can't have the heart, *no one can.”*

[@zeejustin6]

Glad you could straighten things out for us.

[@jobasti98]

2:54 his look😂

[@teaguejelinek4038]

The "ok, wtf??" Look

[@deadman12078]

Could you imagine? Makes you hope that you can live each day to the fullest.

[@jasong4460]

The Onion should have a TV show

[@4jgarner]

The pause as if waiting for him to say more charity he does and letting it linger so the silence screams "pathetic" and disappointed. Beautiful.

[@sameer137]

Gosh, sometimes I forget that this is satire. This is so much like what real news shows are becoming.

[@-Teague-]

10 years later and no one on TV rn would have the guts to say this stuff 😅