Friendship & The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

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In this video I'll talk about how the dismissive avoidant attachment style behaves in friendships.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #DismissiveAvoidant #ThaisGibson #PDS #Relationships #Friendship #FriendshipAdvice
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[@bricksfeathers5423]

It took me a long time and a lot of struggle to figure out what was going on with my DA friends. When I finally did, I decided to keep them at the level of a friendly acquaintance, no longer share deeply personal information, not take their behavior personally, and invest my energy elsewhere. Some are still friends, but many of them have drifted away which is okay by me because my frustration with their behavior has dropped significantly.

[@deon5329]

Has been my experience as well. Im not even anxious attachment, but it took me some time to realize its not personal. Adjusting expectations when you thought you had someone figured out can be jarring.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@Bricks & feathers wow you are soooo wise! 😍😍☺️☺️I gotta start doing that! I kinda already did, but on a bigger scale!

[@valentinanocross8677]

You wrote this beautufully. And expressed honestly. That's where I am at no longer feeling frustrated or fearful to express myself in a way of I just can't do this anymore because them not doing the work is the same meaning as 1) I am not ready to meet you where you're at val and 2) they don't see themsrlf as important enough to dive in and heal and they can only meet us at the level they are willing to meet themself at. I'm at what seems round 15 of dating since the ending 6 months ago, and the attachment work begun about 1,5 years ago, but since the Aha! moments 6 months ago every few weeks or months the new men I'm meeting drop off. This is good information along my journey. Not being attached to or afraid of my outcome. That is the person I would like to attract. I'm getting better at this and closer to the frequency of a constant state of love. Be the change we want to see in the world. -Ghandi

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@valentinanocross8677 huh round 15 of dating? Huh you're not frustrated that in the last 6months every few weeks guys you're dating just drop off? 🤔

[@valentinanocross8677]

@@firstladyqueen5985 I was practicing lots of things.. Mostly just enjoy some dates even when it's not a fit from the start. I'm American now learning to date in German. Plus other things... It's all ok.

[@DD-jb1lq]

Probably the best thing I have done in life was break the cycle of investing in DA friendships. It's almost like having a friend without a soul. The depth is missing and you can become a like an activity filler for someone instead of being treated like a person with feelings. Not saying they are bad people but it can be hurtful if you are a person who search for depth and share real things with others to be met with that leven of emptiness.

[@Pr_20]

I agree with this. I’m dating a DA it’s been 10 months. Although it’s nice that I feel like I’m his besty when we are together the depth of convo can be limited. And when we are apart I don’t get any affirmations or certainty.

[@DD-jb1lq]

@@Gdbd326 it can be so hard having those boundaries if you are a natural giver. But investing in more secure places is so worth it 💛

[@sohila5033]

I'm married to a DA and for the the last 10 years I thought I was loosing my mind. He always pretends like a conversation didn't happen or I just imagined something. This makes so much sense and no wonder I'm a wreck. He likes to stay home and be on his phone all the time and the only thing he ever complains about is sex and physical affection. Everything/everone else can go to hell for all he cares. He's not a bad person but extremely fragile, walking on eggshells and unpredictability of what might set him off is very threatening to AP. He likes to control everything and everyone to a point of squeezing the life out of me.

[@DD-jb1lq]

@@sohila5033 I'm.so sorry to hear about some of the struggles you have experienced. I think it helps if the DA is open to learning about their attachment style. But I'm so glad you have that awareness now. It can easily feel like you are the thing that is wrong (if you aren't educated about how unhealthy DA's are). I hope you can find a path that heals some of those patterns 💜

[@beyondher]

So well said! There is the pervasive sense that you are just filling their temporary need for connection, but it’s about them, they don’t truly care about you when they don’t need you.

[@cidmatrix9643]

Being a DA is like being an alien in a human suit when it comes to navigating relationships and people :/

[@lotuswolf1518]

Omg, my ex friends always called me alien I am autistic so I felt bullied I am not friends with them anymore but I don't like humans

[@George-Aguilar]

I was thinking like a robot? Or a turtle in a shel?

[@cadilac949]

That’s exactly how I feel. An alien

[@spigney4623]

I feel this so strongly

[@kimr8219]

I can't tell you how helpful this video is! I'm AP in friendships and one of my best friends is DA. We've been friends for almost 15 years and although we really are close and see and understand one another, I tend to get triggered and he tends to pull back in difficult situations. Before becoming aware of attachment styles I really only saw our friendship from my point of view. Now I feel like I understand him so much better and can really appreciate who he is, what he brings to our friendship, what he needs, and how lucky and honored I am for the times and ways he has been open and vulnerable with me. This changes so much in our friendship...for the better! Thank you for addressing friendships!!

[@lucilu239]

Can you make a video on how different attachment styles are with each other in friendships like “dynamic between dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied in a friendship”

[@wisdomguveya3728]

I'd love that fight with my best mate I'm FA they are DA. I lost a sibling and after a few days they were ripping into my character. Yes we fought months back but they decided it was time for them to bring up their qualms

[@honeymoney23]

Would love to see a full webinar on how to deal with a DA friend as a securely attached friend. How to negotiate expectations vs when it's time to cut ties and move on

[@warmhart2034]

I think just sticking with a "check-in" schedule - like reaching out to DA after two weeks or a month if you haven't heard from them. And looking for other friendships , preoccupations to fill the lack-of. And if no reciprocation from DA, we all get sick of it eventually😕

[@roshalllambert]

This was so accurate. Few things she said like keeping few close friends for a long time due to desire for consistency, starting off from where you left even after a long time, slow to warm up initially etc were so true. Thais is a mind reader period.

[@karenthompson5539]

Now I understand why my DA friend often says "we haven't known each other very long" or "how long have we known each other?" As if to say, we haven't spent enough time together for me to feel this close to you. This is scary!

[@Shewas-kathybates]

What part? And honestly people throw that phrase around all the time you might be looking too deep into this.

[@twinflamechaser10010]

Thais’s DA video notification.. Me: 🤩 another enlightenment day...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

haha too funny. Great comment! thanks for your support - PDS team member

[@isatorres1685]

Same haha

[@PeopleAreHell]

As a DA who cannot cope with emotions, emotional interaction and physical touch I wonder how many people (if any) would've wanted to date me and to this day don't know they dodged a bullet. 😅

[@colorfullyme]

please dont think of yourself this way. i am sure there are people who wouldve wanted to date you, but try connecting to yourself better at thais gibson suggests in the video. be patient and compassionate with yourself first!

[@elizabethakikodisdel4639]

i am struggling with this thought too! i feel completely broken and that i should just avoid relationships altogether as i feel as though i will cause inevitable collateral damage. however, if you can - try to get some therapy if you aren't already. also, try to remember that communication is key! both with yourself and the other person. self-compassion goes a long way! we have to have a strong sense of self, and it is through compassion for yourself that we can built that before we can move forward, i think. i'm not sure though, i'm very new to this! i know that this comment is old but i hope that you are managing to find peace with yourself.

[@PeopleAreHell]

@@elizabethakikodisdel4639 Hey, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I am in fact in therapy. My therapist is aware of it but I never brought it up to talk about it. There is just too much to process and work on, which takes time. And since I never was anything near intimacy with another person I don't know how to answer any question. Even some of Thais' Attachment Style Quiz questions I cannot answer. Healing takes time and a damn lot of energy. Reparenting, ego work, conciousness... You're walking a tough road and I hope you'll manage to keep on walking. :) Avoiding is a self protection mechanism for me. But Thais videos will really help you. :)

[@PeopleAreHell]

@@colorfullyme YT is stupid. It never notified me about your answer. Thanks for your reply. I appreaciate it. :)

[@colorfullyme]

@@PeopleAreHell No worries! It is so great you are aware of a lot of your issues. As you accept them and love yourself more and more, they will just start to change automatically :D

[@monicajohnson4318]

I would love to see a video about how to honor myself as a fearful avoidant (moving to secure) in a dismissive avoidant relationship who is unaware. When I try to vocalize my needs and he is triggered and shuts down the conversation and pulls away.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

it's really delicate with a DA...if it feels like conflict they shut down a bit because conflict felt bad and unsafe as a child. So you have to open with a validation and don't come at it with criticism or anger... they have to feel safe. You could say "hey just wanted to say that everything is good in the relationship and I enjoy being with you, but i was wondering if you could help me out with something.. "I'm not criticizing you but when you (..........) it makes me feel (........) and I am wondering if you could (insert specific strategy for how he can meet this need for you...DA doesn't unusually know what is needed even though it might seem obvious to you) Otherwise, I love you and appreciate getting to talk to you about this with you se we can keep growing together. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. " **I highly recommend taking the DA course in PDS because it really gets into how to best communicate and conflict resolution with a DA. Just be aware of DA's core wounds and try best to avoid then when asking for a need to be met. -PDS team member

[@annam1080]

Same x

[@HarryStyles_01]

So we can't disagree with them? We can't say this is wrong? We can't say how it's effecting me as an individual? Damn

[@shaynatulane8742]

I would love to see a course about Attachment Styles & Friendships that goes deeper than this video. And would especially like to know more about DA Style in Friendships in particular, since this is an area I struggle with a lot with a particular friend... Thank you, Thais, for creating this video [above]. I find the info it contained very helpful in providing insight into this certain friend of mine's behavior.

[@ceh171]

YES THAIS I am HERE for the friendship videos!!! Thank you so much. Because I’m so FA, I have been focusing my attachment style reprogramming on myself, my friendships, and my family relationships. More friendship content would be LOVED

[@PeterPan-jd9lu]

3:25 to skip the ad

[@cameranserrano1263]

This might be my fave video you’ve done! You are so talented. I wish I could hug you

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@Alphacentauri819 it actually is quite funny (and strange to other types).

[@luciaengel3]

I think so, too!!

[@cloudslady3400]

I think expressing my feelings made my DA friend even more cold with me..even though I just posted them online.. like I didn't have a conversation with her but I actually did this so I don't start to feel like avoiding her... I'm Fa but i'm really an open person and I'm not changing that 🌚

[@nidhi9026]

Its crazy how accurate this is

[@KP0p1437]

Funny how my "closest" friends are from my high school years (i'm 25 now) and we only interact every 3 months or so. I once ghosted them for half a year bc someone expressed their vulnerability too deep that i felt like it was a burden. We're talking like normal now and they have come to accept that i need space sometimes. The key to this friendship is to let them have their own other close friends too who will cater to their other needs that i can't meet

[@animekitten321]

so this answers three things about me 1: why I can't make friends outside of work 2: why I lose friends once they or I move on from a job 3: why I reattached so easily to a friend from school I hadn't spoken to for five years and indirectly why I can't meet new people outside of work

[@moirabaker458]

I always felt like an alien dropped into my family group. I never felt I belonged and at 66 years old now, I STILL feel I don't really belong anywhere

[@Linda-td5si]

This is an awesome video! It confirms a lot regarding my experiences with a DA. I love the clarity! Thank you, Thais and Team!🙂💚🌿

[@deon5329]

I encountered my first DA friend a few years ago. Much harder to read than other friends. Prefers meeting in small groups. I guess it minimizes burden of more personal conv. Have definitely had discussions on expectations after we got closer. Eventually I arrived at investing more energy in other friendships to meet my needs for consistency and social interaction. I hear from DA maybe every 5-6 weeks.

[@juliejay5436]

That's not bad Deon, if that DA friend was me, you would be getting a call or message from me maybe once or twice a year... 🤔

[@deon5329]

@@juliejay5436 yeah that would be tough for me. I tend to demote those relationships to acquaintance or forget about them in that time span.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@juliejay5436 so is it that you treat all your friends and relatives like that or just certain ones?

[@janelle9990]

I haven’t watched a new video in a while, the quality on this is soooo good! I love it

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

This has helped me SO much to understand my friend who is dismissive. Thank you, thank you!!

[@ShaunHolden]

I think it this video is so needed in this day and age! Subbed!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks Shaun! - PDS team member

[@kyaep4421]

I had the experience having an DA friend suddenly cut me off for whatever reason. I'm securely attached and I'm vulnerable and open to people but still independent. It doesn't bother me that she cut me off, but I do feel that she was doing out of fear and this video confirmed a lot patterns I've observed from her.

[@monicajohnson4318]

Ps... your videos have been super helpful for me understanding the DA... I've had a 4 year relationship with this person and so many things are making sense and helping me to understand him better... thank you so much for your content!

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@Monica Mathis are you still with him? It wasn't clear cause you said I've had and that's past tense and because you didn't say I've been together with him for 4 years now, or my significant other and I are on our 4th year, it's not clear to me. I am just wondering how you made it to 4, I'm not anywhere close to 4 years of consistency with the DA and I am getting to the point of wanting to give up. Also, living with him for 4 years would be wayyyyyy more stressful than living separate. Did you two live separate the entire time?

[@monicajohnson4318]

@@firstladyqueen5985 we lived together 3 out of the last 4 years. We both have a deep love for the other person but we didn't understand all these dynamics. We have lived separately for the last year but still in relationship and communication. He is my person.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@monicajohnson4318 awwww. That's so sweet! 😍😍❤️❤️☺️☺️I don't think mine has that hope! 😥😥😓😓😢😢

[@monicajohnson4318]

@@firstladyqueen5985 It has been a beautiful but difficult journey of healing and we are not the same people that started walking the road together. I do believe that what is meant for us will not pass us by. Some people are placed in our lives for just a season and some a lifetime, but all are for our growth and good... even the hard things if we allow them to be. Prayers of wisdom that you will know your path. 🙏 ❤

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@monicajohnson4318 thank you. ❤️❤️ P.s. I am glad to know that you both have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually through your healing journey in your life.

[@claird6477]

U just completely described me....

[@kindheitserien1622]

I am kind of a weird mixture of dismissive avoidant and fearful avoident. I like helping others with their problems but somethimes feel annoyed by it. I am never able to really open up to friends. I had one best friend almost knew nothing about me even though she thought she did. I felt very umcomfortable when she told me she loved me as a friend. I know it is nice but it makes me feel like uuugh please go away. But I am not that way with partners..I like it when they say nice things, but I am having a hard time saying nice things back. I need forever to attach to someone...it took me 3 years to attach to my friend. We are not in contact anymore probably cause she knew I was hiding things from her. She always asked me like something is wrong, you never tell me anything you can tell me anything, but I could never do it. But I would always listen to her problems. I used to be anxious of losing her too, but in the end, all feelings just went away, because she had hurt my feelings another time. Of course I would never tell her when something bothered me. We have not spoken for months, but I wish her the best, no hard feelings.

[@danae.stardoll7947]

This is me absolutely

[@gummi3128]

This is super relatable

[@georgee.9631]

I know this is an older post but i do have a question about a social DA. We became friends ok and in time we grew closer. I didn't realize at the time what all in tales intimacy. Since then i have learned. Looking back, i see she was very intimate with me. I got to know her brother, she would tell me what she was doing and when and with who. Even private and personal things. On 4 different occasions i told her she was treating me like a boyfriend. Obviously she insisted we were friends. How much intimacy do DAs offer so called friends? I ask because another of her longer term friends never was so intimate with her. He did not get to know her like I did. And eventually, she just ghosted me.

[@karenthompson5539]

Thank you for helping to understand the dynamic between AP me and my DA love interest friend. Come closer, get back is so confusing and frustrating.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Amazing information as always, Thais! Thank you so much!! VIDEO REQUEST: AA + DA in a love relationship: what happens when the AA starts mimicking the DA in order to keep things peaceful (distancing, not showing vulnerability, talking very little etc.)? Pretty please!

[@osml2.0]

I would like insight also. My experience was not good. Lose lose for PA. You actually start to lose yourself being something you are not. Held the treatment against me even though he himself does the same or worse. I don't get it from the surface level.

[@warmhart2034]

That's fine. I do that to my DA. But it comes to the point where the anxiety will get you, so then you reach out but keep it light and even better humorous.

[@verronica2]

IMHO either the AA will crack soon bc they cant uphold the charade, or the DA will actually react and start acting anxious - when this happens this will trigger the avoidant side of the AA even more but then the DA can invert this but mimicking avoidance as well and triggering the anxious part of the AA again, so they are stuck in a loop, they can play cat and mouse all day like this, both sides are never satisfied.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

3:25

[@MusicByViva]

Can you make a video on how the DA reacts to friendships that develop feelings/into a relationship?

[@live.life.secure.coaching]

Yes! I would love this!!!!

[@karrrot]

there are a lot of videos about the behaviors of attachment styles, but can talk more about how to correct these behaviors? would be super helpful!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

the courses in PDS are designed with extensive tools to correct the behaviors and get to the root of why. The courses are much more in depth an detailed. - PDS team member

[@mobpete]

What happens if you have the conversation over and over again with a DA about their disappearing/ limited communication and it doesn’t change? When is it time to let that relationship go?

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

Morgan Breon i feel you, morgan... been thinking about that too

[@nvh682]

After conversation 2

[@deon5329]

Been there with a friend. I just took a step back and tried to invest in other relationships. I hear from them maybe once a month. But its usually for some group related outing.

[@garytravers117]

@@nvh682 YES def after conversation 2

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I would say that you have to first make sure you've done some healing work on your end otherwise you'll be right back in a similar situation with similar frustrations. In those moments of frustration, explore if it's a need that you aren't ever meeting yourself and you are relying on him or other people to solely meet it. Secondly, When your DA withdraws or doesn't communicate as well as you'd like, what stories are you making the situation about you? Are you telling yourself he doesn't care about me? I am not good enough? I am unloved? If we believe any of those things we are going to suffer on the one sided story instead of seeing the whole picture. Try and see how he does care and that he shows it in different forms but not the ways you would specifically like. Also he is a DA so their need for space is greater than other attachment styles. There is also very specific ways to communicate a need to a DA without them feeling criticized or like conflict is happening, than their own wounds get activated and they shut down.... see my reply to Monica in an earlier comment on this video for an idea of how to better ask for how to get a DA to meet a need. Lastly if you have done inner work on yourself and you have tried different methods at some point you will have to decide if this person is someone you could see yourself with for a long time. But do the inner work first. Consider taking a PDS course on your attachment style and than the DA attachment style. IT will be an eye opener. - PDS team member

[@sheenaoconnell2096]

Good info, it's clear that you know your stuff. Just one thing. I hope this is useful. I'm sure that most of the people who don't watch your video until the end drop off because of the adverts in the beginning. If that stuff is necessary then put it at the end, let folks know that you can add value before telling them about what they can buy.

[@alekseva8885]

It was not mentioned that attachment styles can change. DA's cause others hurt and won't meet needs while we are instructed to be understanding friends and meet all of their unique (and challenging) needs. How about expecting people who hurt people to work on themselves, rather than us doing all this research and emotional gymnastics to accommodate them? All while not getting to be *ourselves*. One person gets to be themselves while the other one has to change who they are, suppress their personalities, needs, emotions, thoughts, etc.. The imbalance is toxic. Friendship is give and take. it can't be on one person's terms. That's inheritantly disrespectful. Ghosting, ignoring, disappearing, are abusive behaviors. If a DA is not working on it, then you are signing up to do all the work reaching out, walking on eggshells, and feel like crap in the end like they don't value you at all. Take them for no more than an aquaintance, and invest elsewhere.

[@womynislandnow2206]

100% agree

[@aoblues145]

Feels too accurate for me to deal with

[@firstladyqueen5985]

Ooooohhhhh wwwowww what an insight! 👀 It is as though I just got an epiphany! 👂 Hmmm so DA's are emotionally distant with the relationship they have with themselves?So FA's are afraid of the relationship they have with themselves? And so that must mean that AP's are anxious preoccupied with the relationship with themselves?🤔🤔🤔

[@verronica2]

It really triggers me to be left on read bc I consider it rude. Like if i cant engage, i will just not open your message until I have time to respond. I dont ooen a message and let it sit for hours or days to me that is as rude as ignore someone when they talk to me in person. I just had to tell this to a friend who keeps leaving me hanging and got the whole "im soo busy" shtick and mad at me (making me feel clingy) , as much as its my oldest friend and i dont have many...i just wanna drop her, im tired. Excuses excuses plus shame me in the process and attack me just bc i expressed something I didnt like...BTW she is the one that initiates convos and then stops responding.

[@Gdbd326]

I had exactly the same thing from a close friend. She initiated the conversations then stopped responding mid conversation leaving me on read. I raised it 3 times, got a nasty defensive reaction telling me I'm exaggerating, it's too much, it shouldnt ge a problem etc. Its ended up now with very rare text messages and the odd phone calls and not having all the constant stress feels so much better. I refuse to have one sided disrespectful conversations. Setting your boundaries will bring you a lot of peace in the end. Hope that helps.

[@julieuwitonze761]

Have you taken a decision towards your friend?

[@verronica2]

@@julieuwitonze761 i did actually. One day she yelled at me over me complaining bc she left me on read and mentioning in was just rude (like, at least dont open the message if you dont have time to read it so u dont leave me on read...) after that day I had enough, I cut her off. She has reached out twice, not interested.

[@julieuwitonze761]

@verronica2 what did she say about her not replying to your messages? Just reading the message and not replying. Why do they do that?

[@verronica2]

she said she was busy with her baby and couldnt respond when I wanted to, but this was apile up of things, of course once i wouldnt mind, but ut was constant and all I was saying is, I dont need you to answer fast, just dont open the mssg until you can respond bc it feels so rude to be left on read, and she yelled at me when I said I found that rude. I think the yelling did it for me I was like...dooooone girl. Rather make new friends. Its tough...but I know how to treat others well and expect the same @@julieuwitonze761

[@ant856]

Yayyyyyyyyyyyy.........................one on "FRIENDS!!!!!!!" :)

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Video idea: How does the DA treat his romantic partner in different circumstances (i.e. around his friends)/stages of the relationship?

[@mochipurrez3767]

He never introduces them to any friends or family or invites them to his house. Instead he visits her. He keeps his "relationship" with you separate and private. No social media. And you learn to accept this cause you know hes awkward and broken when it comes to normalcy of bein together and sacrifice your feelings about it just because you dont want to break his comfort zone about it.......

[@Stella-cv4mc]

I just saw she has a video that talks about how the DA shows up in stages of the relationship :) I will link it below. But maybe she can still talk about the DA behavior more, like, what are their triggers, why do they treat their partners different around their friends etc kzbin.info/www/bejne/oHStXn6lgtqrsNU

[@dclarke2179]

@@mochipurrez3767 Not true. Possibly you were more into him than he was you.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@valentinanocross8677mine also intiated/brought up **No secrets between us** when we just met aka like the 3rd or 4th day we hung out. Then did totally opposite but I don't think he's a FA I think he's a DA.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@valentinanocross8677 wow ah so the FA has more narcissistic wounds from their parents ah? Please explain further. I think mine is DA /FA aka I hear no secure and no AP from him.

[@amaliaesposito3942]

I feel amazed. So I came here because I had a past friend who was considered a D.A. I am a F.A who didn't express my feelings on actions that they did that made me uncomfortable and that lead me to a protest behavior. I said harsh things and was spiteful and basically ruined the friendship then and there in a moment of impulsiveness. I have been wanting to make amends but feel there's nothing I can really do but I came here anyway to learn more. Anyways I found that attachment styles must change depending on relationship, friendship or family because I relate to all of these. I also find that she does not adopt these traits from my interactions with her. I think that's interesting

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

The DA I know can talk all day long and generally does.

[@Pr_20]

But so they listen to what you have to say? My DA is always talking about himself his work etc but never wants to know anything about others or just dismisses this

[@elizabethakikodisdel4639]

could anyone recommend any way that i could go about apologising to a friend who i have hurt through my actions? i completely understand that an apology is not always to be accepted and i am not expecting this after the things i have done, but i would like to try to give a coherent apology nonetheless as i would hate to think that my friend(s) wonder if it was something that they did wrong (which they certainly did not). i just started therapy yesterday, and my therapist suggested that i might have DA attachment style. i have been doing a lot of research on it, and i am seriously trying to work on myself because i am petrified of continuing the cycle passed on to me by my parents. i recognise that i have hurt a lot of people, and it scares me that i have only just become self-aware. i'm also just worried that there is something deeply and intrinsically wrong with me and that i am just doomed to cause collateral damage? i understand that some people in the comments and watching this video may be looking for answers as to why their DA friend acted a certain way. i understand that it might be a rather selfish ask, and perhaps it is not even right for me to ask this, but what would you ever forgive your DA friend if you saw them actively trying to change? or would you continue to keep them at arm's length? can you ever move past the things your DA friend did in the past (i guess this depends on the person and what it was they actually did). sorry this is very rambling, and thank you for taking the time to read this. i hope that you are having a good day, whoever is reading! any book recommendations would also not go amiss! particularly on developing emotional maturity/intelligence?

[@CandelariaHdz]

Start with looking into Gottamans love language

[@wesauns.6776]

This is so sweet. I hope you're doing much better now.

[@fereshteyaghmaie3931]

Thais I have a question, is it possible to have/show different attachment style toward different people? For example i've seen some DAs showing anxious preoccupied traits toward their family member or SO. To the extent that it's hard to recognize their main attachment style. Could you please explain it in a seperate video? I would appreciate it.❤

[@monstergoat88]

that person could instead be an FA

[@rhokesh4391]

All of this makes me wonder- how do I tell the difference between introversion and avoidance?

[@oneelonpls4802]

From what I know, introversion and avoidance are two completely different things. Introversion means that you are not energised by social interaction (that has almost nothing to do with emotional connection). Avoidance means that u have trouble/can't form a deep meaningful emotional connection with others (that has almost nothing to do with how social you are). It's like compering a cat to spaghetti. Two different topics.

[@rhokesh4391]

@@oneelonpls4802 But they do feed off of each other, don't they? If you're not particularly social to begin with, you're gonna have a hard time finding people to connect with. If you have a hard time connecting, that's not going to make you particularly inclined to seek out interaction, because meh. If connection is exhausting AND scary, well... Speaking as someone who is quite likely both, I can't tell where the introversion ends and the avoidance starts. I just don't get a lot out of interaction, I don't see why anyone would be all that interested in spending time with me, I certainly don't seek out friendships- all my contacts are incidental, like coworkers, barn colleagues...- and I hardly ever get to know anyone well enough to make a connection. Last time I had someone I would call a friend, I quit my job soon after and had to move away. Now it just seems too much of an effort to make. I could go weeks without contact and I wouldn't miss it. Sure as hell couldn't tell you which of that is owed to which, though.

[@osml2.0]

1 example : If only introvert, when in a one on one situation and comfortable with the other person, they will not avoid talking about how they feel when asked and /or being questioned if they are possibly being misunderstood. They may even appreciate questioning because they don't want you to feel wronged by them. Avoidant can feel judged and blamed even if you were just trying to understand, especially in the beginning stages. Responses to you may not be factual but said in defense because of pain they are trying to avoid.

[@oneelonpls4802]

@@rhokesh4391 You said 'if you are not particarly social to begin with you are gonna have a hard time finding people to connect with' totally agree. It doesn't mean 'hard time connecting' tho. It means 'hard time finding people to connect with'. Two different things :)

[@oneelonpls4802]

@@rhokesh4391 if you are introverted you might not wanna meet others much, get tired easily by people, events etc. But if you finally find a friend you can create a bond, connect with them. When someone is avoidant they can be extraverted or introverted. Even if they have lots of friends tho they still can't connect or they have a really hard time connecting and creating this healthy bond.

[@elxgau]

Thanks! I have a question - you suggested having a conversation about boundaries and expectations, but DAs usually don't even want conversations like that. Any thoughts?

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@elxgau yeah they don't like in depth conversations that are personal and they absolutely abhor questions! It makes them soooo pissed and wanna throw their phone when people ask them "too much" questions or sometimes any question at all! They hate when their fave cousins, friends etc. Call them when they're watching shows on KZbin or playing around aka making rap songs after work.

[@samanthawh8272]

Video idea what the difference between hown the fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied are parented

[@firstladyqueen5985]

Great idea and diff between how the DA and AP are patented. And then AP And secure. And then DA and secure. ❤️❤️

[@auroraastarr]

Am a DA...I feel like everyone just hate DA s

[@hopek7033]

I finally figured out what's wrong with her after all these years. She does bad things. She is callous about how she affects people on her way to get her creature comforts.

[@jno207]

Thais, would you say that social DA's tend to have other social DA friends and that they reinforce each other's avoidant behavior? I have noticed the DA's that I know seem to all flock together and enjoy seeming to be above such things as relationships and feelings and reinforce each other's shunning of such things as weak and for lesser creatures. The emphasis when I have spent time in these groups seemed to be on what a drag relationships and possibly and family would be and implying it is for "losers" who settle for a boring life, etc. as if they preclude continuing to do the things and activities that they collectively enjoy. Thoughts?

[@dipikawagle7374]

Omg this is so accurate!

[@tanL22]

I mean, all people, regardless of their attachment style, want to be around like-minded individuals.

[@Shewas-kathybates]

They sound like teenagers give it some time

[@annajoie-blasing7006]

I’m this way with people I make friends with- other girls- but not people I’m dating (if I’m physically attracted to them AND there is chemistry). I’d because I’ve had toxic female friends. But when I’m dating someone I like THEN I become anxious preoccupied. Is this normal ???

[@jhjbkj5488]

same, i dont even know how

[@EphesianRose]

Same LoL

[@liaiscoolsunflower7506]

You’re probably fearful avoidant then

[@brunamartins8382]

Can we "heal" from it?

[@theresapilkington8365]

You tell me when it is over

[@ebelejoyyy]

interesting

[@CosmoMakeupgurl]

As a fearful avoidant...I say RUN

[@JeanLe]

:( i have to respectfully disagree with you. We are worth loving. We deserve love. We just need to find a way to show love to ourselves so we can understand what real love looks like

[@user-lw3ri8us4w]

@@JeanLe jean i wonder have you started working on your dismissive avoidant issues since making this comment? i’ve just started working on mine…

[@JeanLe]

@@user-lw3ri8us4w yes, i feel like i've done a 180 on my typical responses. it's been wonderful on my relationship with my partner, my relationship with myself, and i'm so proud of my attachment with the people around me. of course i'm not perfect (and we're human with flaws). Of course, I'll get triggered from time to time. it used to take me a couple of hours to a day to regulate myself to want to repair a relationship, it now takes me maybe at most 15 minutes. Somatic therapy, art therapy, couples therapy, and EMDR has done wonders for me. Talk therapy works to a certain degree, but the other approaches just seemed to accelerate change for me. self awareness + nervous system regulation = the best version of myself ever. hope you try it out!

[@thiagovilla970]

Oh no... I'm anxious-preoccupied and my friend is dismissive-avoidant :O

[@anhangamirim453]

Me!

[@lilyzemengist8091]

I'm aware that this is me unfortunately or fortunately. 😬I just don't know how else to be. Send help or a helping video please🙏🏾

[@PisceIncarnate]

Could use some serious help. I'm a borderline & my FP is what I now know to be Dismissive Avoidant. We went through a rough few months with a borderline flare up that almost cost me my life. They got dragged through all of it and then their illness flared up. They had some MAJOR flakes during the course. I confronted them about it and they flipped out. It's almost like they pulled a borderline "split" but aren't borderline. I didn't do anything wrong and it's been over two months. I want our friendship back. But only if it's healthier for them. So I'm studying their illness and bettering my understanding. Now I understand creating what seemed like conflict made them push back. A dismissive avoidant even just being a borderlines FP is difficult. But I give back. A lot. But I give back in a way that might not be best for a dismissive avoidant. I know that now. Now that I'm studying them, understanding them so much better, how do I get them back? How do I save our friendship? They're very special to me & I've decided this is a friend I'm not going to lose.

[@alexisjimenez925]

Been a couple years since you commented, but dealing with the same thing. What ended up happening?

[@PisceIncarnate]

@@alexisjimenez925 I went through the 1-2 year grieving process of losing an FP for someone with BPD. Afterwards through therapy and recovery I reflected on how unhealthy and unnatural a relationship like that is and unlearned dependency on it.

[@Blumelisaful]

Content starts at 3.20 mins

[@mandimandi365]

She just ghost me 3 yrs i was like wtf

[@Tarahsays]

You described me to a T😬

[@senseijen8963]

I just dawned on me that- minus or plus the high IQ - the character Sheldon on the Big Bang theory exhibits DA characteristics. Wow! Just my thoughts ~

[@heyowazzup8900]

I had the same thought as well a while ago)))

[@senseijen8963]

@@heyowazzup8900 true isn't? Sheldon exhibits DA behaviors. It's funny on the show but boy how painful it is to be with someone like him in reality. It's not that they're bad people, they're just....

[@heyowazzup8900]

Jen Ox Absolutely. Emy deserves a prize for patience.....

[@Steff_FL]

Good info but you speak way too fast and it’s hard to follow

[@aoblues145]

I feel like you are just describing an introvert.

[@Taki_Rad]

This is all great material but you’re talking wayyyyyyy too fast for me to be able to digest what you’re saying.

[@suheil9638]

Watch at 0.75x

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Haha I have to agree, she talks really fast and it's kinda difficult to keep up because every detail is so relevant

[@Taki_Rad]

Mercedes yes! Every word is super important!! I just want to make sure I don’t miss out anything but it get difficult. I’ll slow the speed down! The channel is amazing and super helpful 🙏😊

[@Taki_Rad]

Suheil thank you 🙏

[@mizenne]

Um... um... lots of umm

[@resueah7257]

Have you tried speaking knowledgeably about any subject unedited for 13 minutes straight?

[@mistersm]

Would you maybe please get to the point?

[@chrissysconvos]

Lol that's so rude, but a little funny. She's breaking it down sheesh

[@mistersm]

@@chrissysconvos 😋