This Is How I Felt When I Was Avoidant

[@magnolia8585]

but the problem is, real avoidants never say " they need space". they just disappear. They even don't know they need space.

[@createwithcorri]

You can be a real avoidant and be conscious of it like I was, but it’s a problem like you say, and very dysfunctional when they don’t have that self awareness and instead of being able to express it, they just bolt. If you’re with a conscious avoidant, you’re in a better place, but staying with an unconscious avoidant is going to be a huge rollercoaster and very unsettling for the nervous system - boundaries are needed x

[@Pinchofpunch]

@@createwithcorri do they ever become conscious or change? Do they ever make the connection that they in fact caused the relationship to fail vs their ex?

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

Disappear.. for Months..

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

Boundaries don't really work on Avoidants who are unconscious. They just see Boundaries as restrictions which means less space. They get triggered and start to stonewall and shut down.

[@ijustneedmyself]

​@@createwithcorri I know one who's self-aware and still disappears. The next time he does I'm gone. And he knows that despite me not saying the words. I put down my boundary and cut off our physical relationship. We're trying the friend route 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Align45]

The thing is that most avoidants never communicate their feelings..it’s a one-sided relationship. Authentic communication is essential to any relationship that might have a chance. As far as I can tell, those with a secure, or even an anxious attachment DO offer this space. Very much so. Avoidants don’t see it. Not our job to fix it. You deserve better. It shouldn’t be this hard.

[@lak1294]

You're so right! It is FEAR that triggers an Avoidant or Anxious person's behaviour. 😱 And it also determines if they behave avoidantly or anxiously, in reaction to the other person's behaviour.

[@luketimewalker]

Extremely useful. Thank you.

[@Cristian0Cae]

It is really bad when you work hard to let the anxiety go and feel very safe to give someone space onto for them to dump you over the phone a week later. I feel I am back to the drawing board, as I will think my anxious instincts aren’t wrong. That everything seems so good and all of the sudden the rug gets pulled from under you. This happened to me before when I didn’t know what anxious attachment was and then again when I was working hard to be secure (and succeeded! I stopped checking the phone and worrying and became much more present). It is hard when your mind tells you that whatever was felt in that relationship was maybe a self delusion. I refuse to be defeated, but the scars keep adding up and I do fear I’ll either become an avoidant out of self preservation or just give up altogether on relationships.

[@createwithcorri]

Be determined to overcome your pattern and you will 🩷

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Let go of the need for others and you’ll never feel anxious when they leave.

[@ceciliamac4283]

Pray God for guidance and to be surrounded by conscious loving and kind humans. And continue to do shadow work. Our anxiety is sometimes a good thing. When something feels off, something is off. We just need to take some space and time and learn how to set boundaries.

[@vodacoma1747]

Corri... you are such a huge help for us, dealing with an avoidant. Speaking your pure true and experiences... no psychotherapist can do. Im 60..three relations (all avoidants 😎)... sometimes I feel I become an avoidant too. Thanks for your advice.

[@ragingspeedhorn]

I think it shows we all have a survival mechanism that becomes honed over time … we started out ok perhaps but interactions change us. Good vlog here .. thank you 👍🏼

[@ge0rgialiv]

Being something isn’t wrong but how you show up and treat people and then make them feel like you never mattered does, always gave space and love even after the break up and she ran away but always show up always love and understand we all have different needs and love languages but be true to you is the balance x

[@Pinchofpunch]

In the last two weeks of our two year relationship, she asked for me to leave the apartment for a few hours so she could clean by herself. I asked her why she felt the need to do that and she could not be specific or articulate her needs. I went ahead and gave her the space, about 3 hours and when I came home she was visibly upset. That triggered me because who the hell wants to come home and have your partner be angry of your mere presence. That was our last big fight that led us down her discard path. It was horrible

[@createwithcorri]

Oh I’m so sorry, that sounds very difficult and she sounds very unconscious. I doubt she meant to hurt you like that but equally it doesn’t make it ok or any easier for you x

[@therocknrollcook]

Unconscious, completely not self aware, blamed me for anything negative. : my DA ex male age 53 Hopeless. . . He’s sadly never experienced the mutual satisfaction of true love. I’ve been blessed to be in a long and loving relationship. I gave him two chances but he’s a lost cause.

[@ceciliamac4283]

@@therocknrollcookSo happy for you 🤍💞

[@ceciliamac4283]

That is very sad indeed. With time and work to heal and let go, you will meet the right person who would be conscious and loving 🫶🏼

[@barbara6840]

In the end the people we interact with can create any attachment style. I say if you are feeling ill, negative or losing yourself its because they are the disease and you have the symptoms.

[@Topgunpapa]

I am secure, she is fearful. Over a two year relationship, she left at least 10 times for up to two weeks. I know now it was to regulate. This last time she left August 16 and we have been in no contact ever since. My biggest dread is that I knew about attachment styles But did not do my due diligence to learn them. I now have a self issued masters degree in attachment styles. Everything you said in this video, we experienced. She's a fearful avoidant that leans anxious as well. I know now, I could have handled it so differently in our relationship would've continued and been so beautiful because our connection was so strong and our love was so deep. My instinct and intuition tells me I will hear from her and we will resume our relationship. I will function so differently

[@createwithcorri]

You did all you could do at the time with the knowledge you had at the time and the ability you had. So it was meant to be for both of your highest good. Trust the process x

[@annastone5624]

I hope this is a positive relationship for you? and you are not in an unequal partnership. It doesn’t sound like much fun!! Maybe find another securely attached person..

[@Miriam-um6yt]

Ya i feel the same...when people leave y dry like this.... without Communication it does say y are not so important after all...not a priority... To make a relationship lingterm both partner must feel committed..nobody is perfect...and it can get better only with a will and real action from both...soupur. helas usually there is one waiti g for the other for many years of misery... Eh im writing this to myself as well now...oups! Ouch...

[@ceciliamac4283]

@@Miriam-um6yt So true

[@marguskiis7711]

She is probably with another man already. Avoidants do it really fast during NC they think is a proof you don't care. Avoidant women can keep the rebounds for many years because rebounds are securely bad.

[@carlhouseofoliver345]

Awesome video ❤

[@SkinWzrd]

How do you do this if you're spouse of 26 years left you and ghosts you, stonewalls? He left me in the middle of the night two days after an argument. I think I need to file for a divorce since he won't come back,call or see me. I'm beyond exhausted by his immature and harmful behavior.

[@createwithcorri]

Oh gosh, so sorry you’re going through this. One day at a time x

[@4Authenticity]

Corri, thank you for this video. I have a question I’m hoping you can articulate a few responses to. When an avoidant says, “I need space.” What might that mean? I think that’s important because what is (or can be) heard is, “I’m breaking things off” “I’m seeing other people” or most common “You’re not the one/worthy/lovable” Not looking for direct answers to what I’ve posed, and maybe a follow up video would be easier? Thanks for what you do and how you do it!

[@createwithcorri]

This is where you need to clarify with them specifically. For me it meant “I need a bit more time than I’m getting for myself. Maybe a day or 2 where I can be alone or even an extra evening”. X

[@Andyange]

The scenario you explained 😢I know too well. Wish I knew about this stuff before so I could have behaved differently.

[@veronicanava6244]

Defense mechanisms from your own trauma, has nothing to do with the other person. Too much drama, no thank you.

[@ceciliamac4283]

What do you mean it has nothing to do with the other person?

[@ScottEversman]

How do you start this conversation with your AD (female) Partner?

[@ottagoldi9625]

yeah they think that just who they are....terrible even secure person will confused and feel unsafe with them .lol

[@Miriam-um6yt]

Im wondering how your channel Corrie is there mostly in percentage woman who actuslly are again searching...and make just not thinking over the past relation or the one they have and nit searching much what to do? I feel its often woman who in our generatiob have ti be rhe man like to initiate and the care giver to keep them...crazy world!

[@salahuddin1611]

I'm sure you had another recent video but it's now gone.